Hint #43

The “missionary position” is often rated “most preferred” by couples.  Use it as your basis.  Vary the position of your legs and arms, the angle of your bodies, and even the distance between them.  You’ll be surprised with how many variations can be had with this all-time favorite!

What would you like to take a break from this Spring Break?

Hint #42

If you want to bring a little more “imagination” into the bedroom, why not read a little erotic literature?  Take turns reading hot and steamy passages out loud.

What your sex life can learn from the Olympics

Last weekend Eric and I had our kid-free weekend. (We swap weekends with another couple so that every other month, we get a weekend alone. I highly recommend it!) This month’s question: What do you do when your child is taken care of? Go to the Olympics, of course!!

There are a dozen things I could share with you about my Olympic experience that you can apply to your sex life. The aerials alone should make you stop and pause. But here is the thing that struck me the most profoundly: the efficiency.

Everywhere we went, Olympic committee had thought ahead and anticipated the questions that people would ask and the things they would need. Trying to get to the flame? People were stationed in life-guard towers at every corner giving directions so that the crowds moved along quickly and without confusion. Not sure how this long line translates into actual waiting minutes? There was someone there to tell you. Turns out that line that looks like half an hour long is only ten minutes. Who knew!? Got someone trying to budge in line and pretending they are just lost? A security person would magically appear and graciously point them to the end of the line.

In essence, they had simplified the process. Considering the glut of people who had descended on the city and the chaos that could have ensued, people where happy and cheerful because (even when they were squashed like sardines on the Skytrain) their needs had been anticipated and met.

Often in long term relationships, we allow the swell of the details in our life to derail our intimacy with our lovers. In the clutter and chaos, our time together dissolves into two tired people zoning out to a TV show. But what if we could anticipate our spouse’s needs and then streamline our life so they are better met? Sex doesn’t just magically happen once you have been married for a few years. You have to clear things out of the way for it to happen.

What do you need to simplify in your life so that sex is more possible? What do you need to eliminate, delegate or ask for help on so that it can happen? What needs does your spouse have that you need to anticipate and meet? What systems are you going to put in place to make that possible?

Sitting with a bull-horn on a life-guard stand is probably not the solution, but you get the idea!  Share some of your ideas!

Mix a Sexy Love Chemical Cocktail

In my last guest post, I explained the brain chemistry behind romance and committed love. You can read it here. Now. Let’s talk about how you can use this knowledge to add sparkle to your relationship.

Here’s the recipe:

2 parts novelty (dopamine)

1 part danger (adrenaline)

1 part sensuality (oxytocin)

Shake it up really well, and then enjoy it together.

These are the three ingredients you need for your love chemical cocktail:

Novel sensory stimuli: I know, you’ve been told before to light scented candles and take a bubble bath together. Actually, this is a recipe for boring sex. One thing that attracts man and woman is otherness, so when you envelop him in feminine scents, he loses his focus on you as the Other, while he may seem less manly to you. Besides, that bubble bath may relax you but it will knock him out. Instead, go for a stimulating stew of unfamiliar sights, sounds, smells and tastes that will stimulate dopamine. Hit an ethnic enclave to enjoy a cuisine you’ve never tried, and then walk the streets or stop into a club. Spicy food is a plus, because the fire of the chili stimulates a bit of stress response. (Just don’t get indigestion, that will spoil the night.)

Danger: There’s a reason why people who’ve been through a disaster together often fall in love or become lifelong friends. Fear stimulates adrenaline, that potent liquor of romance. In addition, men’s desire to bond seems to be somewhat dependent on vasopressin, a chemical like oxytocin that triggers protective behaviors. So, do something together that feels dangerous. You both need to really get outside your comfort zone. Fire-walk or go zip-lining. If you’re not the physically adventurous type, put yourself into social danger. Crash a party or take an improv class. Even if you don’t enjoy the actual experience, the jolt of adrenaline will jazz you both up.

Sensuality: You don’t need to reject the deep oxytocin connection you share. Instead, honor it. Nature designed our bodies to link sex and connection. Not only is oxytocin released at orgasm, it’s also responsible for engorgement. After you’re revved up and in the mood for pleasure, thanks to adrenaline and dopamine, it’s time to set off some sparks. I’m not talking about jumping into bed, I’m talking about a continuum of physical contact that moves from sensual to sexual. Remember how the anticipation of reward is so, well, rewarding? And how novel stimuli increase levels of dopamine? Set aside enough time to get to know each other physically in a new way and to let interest and excitement build. Promise each other an orgasm. You can begin talking about what you’d like to do or simply hold hands. Shoot for 65 percent anticipation and only 35 percent activation. As you move into more intimate gestures, this is not the time to fall back on your tried-and-true sexual practice. It is the time to try something kinky or just different, if you’ve always wanted to. But don’t feel pressure to be inventive, simply let excitement and enjoyment build in a way that feels right to both of you.

Hone your love mixology skills and enjoy the intoxication of love all over again!

Susan Kuchinskas is the author of The Chemistry of Connection: How the oxytocin response can help you find trust, intimacy and love. She blogs about love, trust and oxytocin at Hug the Monkey.

Email her at susan at chemistryofconnection dot com.

Hint #41

Varied stimulation is the key to great orgasms.  Whether it’s the motion, the lotion, the direction, or the communication, always keep your lover guessing!

Love Those Love Chemicals

Wouldn’t it be great if there were a pill that could fire up you marriage? No, I am not talking about that little blue pill. I mean a drug that could bring back the passionate excitement you felt when you first met your mate.

Big Pharma doesn’t have anything like that in the works, but you can make your own passion-power drug at home, using that amazing chemical factory known as your brain. I’m not talking about alcohol, I’m talking about your body’s natural intoxicants, the brain chemicals that can bring you both to new heights of attraction and connection.

Before I explain how to become a brain-chemical barista, let’s talk about what’s happening in your brain when the chemistry between you and your mate goes from wow to whatever.

Those things we call feelings or emotions are the result of small changes in the chemicals flowing through our bloodstreams and circulating in our brains. The chemical composition can easily tilt as the result of outside stimuli, like a kind word or a bumped shin, and it can be shaped by our thoughts, as well.

After years of marriage, the neurochemical balance inevitably tilts toward an abundance of oxytocin, the chemical of nesting. Oxytocin is released in the brain in response at times when we’re near people we know and trust. It’s nicknamed the cuddle hormone because it seems to produce that calm, peaceful, connected feeling.

You could say that oxytocin is the chemical of committed love. Romantic passion, however, seems to be fueled by a combination of dopamine and adrenaline. Dopamine is the chemical of reward-seeking. Dopamine impels us to go after a reward, and at the same time, it tingles the brain’s pleasure centers. In fact, seeking a reward feels better than actually obtaining it. This was nature’s way of making sure we got off our butts each morning to climb that tree in search of more fruit.

Adrenaline, which is also part of the fight-or-flight response, gives us extra energy and puts all our senses on high alert. It gives that speedy, do-anything flavor to romance.

The oxytocin-based feeling of safety, comfort and connection in the home you’ve made together is one of the lovely things about marriage or cohabitation. But it’s not exciting; it’s not sexy. And humans have a powerful need for novelty and excitement. This is probably a leftover from the days when we ranged over the savannahs, hunting for food. You two don’t need to hunt for a mate, but you do need to get more adrenaline and dopamine into your relationship.

What’s the flavor of your domestic brew? Is it a bland milkshake or a cup of bitter tea? Shake it into a fun cocktail with a parasol in it or a top-shelf martini, even if you don’t drink. In part two, I’ll give you the recipe and instructions for your sexy love cocktail.

Susan Kuchinskas is the author of The Chemistry of Connection: How the oxytocin response can help you find trust, intimacy and love. She blogs about love, trust and oxytocin at Hug the Monkey.

Email her at susan at chemistryofconnection dot com.

The Olympics are Half Over…how have they affected your sex life?

Guest Writer - Susan Kuchinskas

Next week we have a real treat!  A 2 part series on “Love Chemicals” by renown author and expert Susan Kuchinskas.  She will be sharing her expertise with us - helping us understand the connections between the brain and our emotions.

Susan Kuchinskas is the author of The Chemistry of Connection: How the Oxytocin Response Can Help You Find Trust, Intimacy, and Love, combining cutting-edge research from neuroscience, psychology and biology to offer a full understanding of love — and how to get more of it.

Her radio and TV appearances include Mornings with Mike & Juliet, The View from the Bay, and Michael Roizen’s You the Owners Manual Radio Show.

She writes the blog Hug the Monkey, which is now recognized as one of the most authoritative sources for information on oxytocin on the web.

Hint #40

It may sound corny, but holding hands before sex is an orgasm booster.  The bonding effect releases oxytocin, a hormone released when you climax.

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