Creating space for meaningful conversations about sexual intimacy.

 

The Hunger Games

Posted on April 24, 2012

WARNING: This post has absolutely nothing to do with relationships or sex. Proceed with caution.

I don’t read fiction very often. It is not that I hate it – in fact, it is just the opposite. I absolutely adore fiction. Nancy Drew lit the fire for me, but I quickly moved on to whatever I could devour. Spy books held a particular place of affection for me. I remember reading the Robert Ludlum series of novels when I was 13 years old, convinced that I would grow up to be a CIA agent.

However, my problem with fiction is that it turns me into a really bad wife and mother. I become so engrossed that nothing else in the world exists as I turn page after page. All requests fall on deaf ears because I am so immersed in the book. As such, I have made it a rule to only indulge in fiction on vacation. While my family is happily distracted by the sun, sand and water, I treat myself.

But, rules are meant to be broken. And when a pastor piqued my interest in The Hunger Games trilogy (he was complaining on his social media feed that the kids in his church were reading the series more than the Bible), I snuck a peak at the first book, which incidentally, my husband had just finished. For those of you who have been living under the rock, the crux of the story in The Hunger Games is a group of children who are conscripted by a despicably corrupt government to fight to the death in an elaborate arena. It’s like The Gladiator…on crack cocaine.

The series was as gripping as advertised. I was sucked in. I picked up the books in between coaching calls and administrative emails (ok, I am lying – the administrative emails got put on hold) and finished the books in three days. They were extremely good.

Later, over coffee, I was chatting about the trilogy with a friend. (After all, if you are going to blow off emails to read a good book, you might as well use it as fodder for excellent conversations over coffee.) She was commenting about the level of violence and I responded that I didn’t think it was that bad. She said, “Well, some of the parts were hard to read.” And then she cringed.

She cringed.

I continued to chit-chat in a light-hearted way, but I have since gone back to think about the cringe. And the violence. And why it didn’t affect me more profoundly.

This is what I realized. Going into the series, I was subconsciously prepared for it to be as heart-sickening as some of the stories I have been told over the years about child soldiers. For well over a decade, Eric and I have been (either peripherally or intimately) involved in the issue of children at risk. That is a fancy term that the United Nations uses to talk about kids around the world who are systematically abused for the pleasures or financial gains of adults.

When I was in my early twenties, I listened to horrifying stories by Phyllis Kilbourn about the conscription of children into Liberia’s civil war. I am still haunted by those stories. No, I will not relay them here, but let me assure you that they make The Hunger Games look like child’s play. And they are real.

As I realized that I was unaffected by the gory details that went in to the trilogy, something else occurred to me. The very fact that the series is “Child Soldiers Lite” opens up the doors for discussions about what is actually taking place around the world. It is an amazing teaching tool for children who are old enough (I am thinking at least 12 or 13) to read the series.

Harness all that indignation and anger your children are feeling about outrageous abuses of power. Listen to their deep desires for justice. Explain to them that they are feeling matters. Their emotions point to something that is close to the heart of Jesus…the least of these.

I think it is awesome that our kids are getting so engrossed in The Hunger Games. Because The Hunger Games leads to a very natural conversation about the words of Jesus. And talking about the words of Jesus convicts us to follow the words of Jesus.

So, after you have had a conversation with your kids, challenge them to work towards solutions in parts of the world where young children are truly made to kill other children…and their own parents…and do other unthinkable things. They can fight on behalf of those kids. They can make a difference.

Of course, I am hopelessly biased towards my husband’s organization, World Relief Canada, but there are many others who are working diligently in Somalia, DR Congo and other parts of the world. Find out what you can do so that children in those parts of the world don’t have to live their own Hunger Games.

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The Night I Fainted

Posted on April 19, 2012

Over the Easter weekend, I fainted for the first time. I was at a party celebrating the recent wedding of a dear friend, in a room full of strangers (the bride was the only one I knew), and having a thoroughly delightful time. During the speeches, we all gathered around in a circle and talked about how we knew the happy couple and what we enjoyed about them. It was lovely.

But, as time went on, I got warm. And then very warm. And then hot. As the speeches concluded, I turned to Eric and reached for his hand. He smiled at me and I said, “I am going to need your help.” But evidently, that request only took place in my mind. I didn’t have a chance to get the words out before my vision darkened.

The next thing I remember is lying on the floor with Eric saying to me, “Eryn-Faye, are you with me? Are you with me?” I was a bit annoyed because I felt as though I was being woken up from a very nice dream. Until I realized I was still at the party and there were about 30 people looking anxiously at me. To say that I was dazed and confused is an understatement.

The paramedics came and checked me out, and declared that it seemed to be a simple case of getting over heated while standing for a period of time. (It is also worth pointing out that although I had eaten dinner before the party, I hadn’t had a tremendous amount of food during the day. I was pretty engrossed in reading The Hunger Games and had forgotten to eat. Which is odd, considering the main character of the book is always talking about being hungry. But I digress.)

As I reflect on this mini-adventure, there are two lessons that I think are worth sharing with you – lessons that we can apply to all areas of our lives.

1)   I took too long to acknowledge that I needed help. Here’s the truth: I knew I really wasn’t doing well about 4 minutes before I fainted. I knew I needed to sit down but I wanted to tough it out. I didn’t want to interrupt the speeches by walking though the people to find a seat. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself. (In hindsight, this is quite amusing considering how much focus I ended up attracting.) By the time I turned to Eric, I was physically incapable of asking for help, and I was going down.

2)   There are people who choose to be comfortable with discomfort. After I was moved to another room, with the windows open so that I could get some air, there were several people from the party – again, people I didn’t know – who came to check on me. They offered simple expressions – a warm smile, an inquiry on how I was doing, a pat on the shoulder – and yet those expressions were laden with meaning. It is awkward when you are having a fun social event and someone faints, or has a seizure, or something worse. It pushes our buttons. Silently, we are thinking, “What if that could happen to me? What is wrong with her? I would just die if that happened.” It makes us deeply uncomfortable. And yet, there are people who can get past their own discomfort and move in close to extend gifts of kindness, compassion and empathy.

Here’s the take away: Do you need to ask for help in your marriage, your sex life or even just for you? Are you waiting too long, thinking that you can hold out just a bit longer and not draw uncomfortable attention to yourself? Do you need to be asking right now, so that you greatly decrease your odds of ending up on the floor?

Secondly, are you the type of person who comes close to others in times of discomfort, in times of pain, in times of embarrassment?  Are you willing to link arms with that person and say, “Let’s do this together.” Are you prepared, as one person did, to share stories of times when you have been in similar situations?

Here’s what fainting taught me: I need to learn to ask for help faster, but I also need people around me who are comfortable with discomfort.

And I need to be that person to others.

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What My Vitamix Blender Has Taught Me About Love

Posted on April 17, 2012

I have a new addiction in my life. It’s a Vitamix blender. On our recent trip to Texas, we picked one up and since we returned, I have been using it 2-3 times a day. It is truly a glorious thing. You can even make soup in it. Blend for 10 minutes, and it is steaming hot!

My daughter is wholly on board with the new toy too. Every morning, she says to me, “Can I have a smoothie for lunch?” Of course I say yes, because it gives me another opportunity to indulge in my addiction. That, and the fact that she now – very happily – skips off to school to eat a staggering conglomeration of fruits and veggies without a whimper of protest. The amount of spinach that child has consumed is nothing short of a miracle.

But here is what my Vitamix has taught me. One of my passions, one of my “causes” in life is healthy living. This stems back to the fact that I became a cancer orphan at 21, my aunt is a breast-cancer survivor, my sister has had pre-cancerous cells and my daughter was diagnosed with Severe Chronic Neutropenia at 13 months. Pretty grim.

However, I have also realized that my cause stems from a deep desire to love my family. As Bell Hooks says, “To begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone using the word in this manner automatically assumes accountability and responsibility.”

I crazy love my family. I truly believe my husband to be the most amazing man and my daughter to be the most fascinating girl on the face of the planet. But loving them entails taking care of myself. When I choose to put down the candy bar and replace it with an apple, it is not because I am trying to look like Jennifer Garner (although she is gorgeous and there are days when I would really like to look like her), but it is because what I put in my body is my act of love for Eric and Riley. It extends far beyond speaking love and becomes doing love.

It says, “I choose to do all I can do to make it to your wedding and to the birth of your children.” It says, “I choose to sacrifice that candy bar so that I have more energy for you.” It says, “I choose to eat well so that my brain functions better…and I am thereby more patient, kind and compassionate with you.” It says, “Even though I would really like to go on a binge, I choose you instead.”

Some days, I do better than others. But that’s ok. Because it not about expecting perfection of myself, it is about choosing the journey.

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Fiddling with the State of Being (Dr. Paddy Ducklow)

Posted on April 12, 2012

I grew up in a home where alcohol ingestion was done compulsively. I discovered as a child that the drinking compulsion is an equal opportunity phenomenon – both my Mom and Dad were serious imbibers. I also learned that my parents and their friends formed an alcohol-conscious community where successful parties were granted the status of “great” by the quantity imbibed and the consequent sexualization of intimacies.

My parents were trained in drinking by the Canadian Forces during WW2 when service men and women had their pleasures subsidized by the government. I am reminded of this each and every November 11th and sometimes I stop to tell the “poppy people” why I am not buying their red and black lapel flowers while I stride righteously into the liquor store.

Over the years I have had lots of addicts of various sorts in my practice. I prefer to call them “obsessive fiddlers with states of being” – it sounds less prejudicial than “addicts” though that is what some of them are. These fine folk and friends have been compulsed by all sorts of obsessions: being happy, being right, being perfect, being taken care of, being in love, being admired, and the list goes on. (Perhaps making lists is a compulsion too?) And then they act these ideas out with predictable behaviours: drinking and drugging are common but so is arguing and defending and mean-spirited criticism. I especially dislike it when addicts pretend the moral high ground (e.g. “You are a bad person and I am busy being good or right,” or “I wouldn’t drink if you didn’t criticize me so much.”).

I often hear of sexual addictions as well. These are usually requests for affirmation and attention where the behaviours involve a moving computer image and a few square inches of genital flesh. What these folk want most often is some ordinary passion and some affection directed in their way. At least that is what heals them (mostly men) more than “Just Say No” mouse pads.

Now… I think that there are factors that may increase risk of some kind of addiction. Here are a few for you to consider and I am thinking especially of online compulsions:

♦  Fear of relationships can lead to online compulsions. I mean real relationships not surface social contacts. And a consequential lack of other interests and social isolation – this can lead to compulsive behaviour.
♦  Pre-existing abuse or addiction can easily transfer: for example, online gambling or gaming, cybersex, or online shopping.
♦  Social anxiety or nervousness can make online interactions a very attractive alternative to face-to-face interaction and thus much more compelling.
♦  Low self-esteem, poor body image, or untreated sexual dysfunction can add to obsessions and compulsions.

What fixes this more than anything else is a little reality and a little thoughtfulness. Person-to-person honesty and care, also called empathy, works well. I have found that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is really good in breaking the power of addictions and compulsions. I recommend people buy “Mind Over Mood: Change How You feel by Changing the Way You Think” by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky. It is best to work this through with a therapist and I have a copy in my office so that if you choose we can work through the harder parts together.

Dr. Paddy Ducklow is a Psychologist in Private Practice, Professor of Family Ministries at Carey Theological College at University of British Columbia, and Pastor Emeritus at CapChurch in North Vancouver. His website and blog is The Ducklows.

Blog reprinted with permission.

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Experiments in Gratitude

Posted on April 10, 2012

One thing that drives me nuts is kids who are ungrateful. You’ve seen them. They stand in the checkout line at the grocery store next to a mother who has a heavily laden buggy – usually filled with items custom tailored for said ungrateful kids – and whine and complain about what they don’t have in life. “But Mom, why can’t I have the chocolate bar??? But Mom. But Mom. Mommmmmm.” It is enough to make me seriously consider the virtues of a one-child policy or mass sterilization. In fact, for years Eric and I called those encounters “birth control” because we left the store so disenchanted with the whole parenting experience that our timeline for beginning a family got bumped back by six months every time we ran into one of those kids.

I suppose I am especially sensitive to the issue because Eric has devoted his life to non-profit work. He has always, for as long as we have been together, poured his soul into helping those less fortunate than the rest of us. I get a blow-by-blow of what happens in his world each and every evening, and this insight serves to drastically lower my tolerance for those who cannot appreciate the wealth they have been given in life.

Unfortunately, all of us fall prey to this insidious culture. Just the other day, after two hours of fun mother/daughter shopping for Easter supplies, Riley pouted in the back seat of the car because she wasn’t able to find exactly what she wanted. Let’s be clear, she didn’t come home empty-handed by any means, but that perfect item had remained elusive. I was seriously ticked off. As I contemplated my response, I ran through every scenario from grabbing her bunny ears off her head and throwing them out the window of the car to throwing all her toys into a trash bag and donating them to The Salvation Army to losing my temper and yelling at her to be grateful for what she has.

Thankfully, I didn’t do any of those things. And the reason why I didn’t was because, just that afternoon, I had watched Shawn Achor speak about real happiness…and real happiness entails cultivating a culture of gratefulness. So, instead of throwing a fit or striping Riley’s bedroom, I decided that the Frans family is going to do an Experiment in Gratitude. Following on Achor’s suggestions, each night we are each going to share three things for which we are grateful. Instead of bitching about lack of gratitude, we are going to start practicing it…together…because we can all use a dose of real happiness in our lives.

I highly recommend that you watch this video from Achor. Not only will you laugh your bunny tail off, but you might just find the keys to beginning an Experiment in Gratitude for your home as well.

 

The Happy Secret to Better Work Download

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5 Ways To Make Your Marriage Work

Posted on April 5, 2012

20 years ago, Eric and I began a very tumultuous relationship. After six years of on-again, off-again dating, we decided to pull the trigger and get married. Our friends and family were a little shocked. We were then, and still are, a very passionate couple and passion often manifests itself in a lot of fireworks. While a display of fireworks can be festive and breathtaking, handling explosives is never a completely safe endeavour.

Over the years, we have cultivated the skill to manage the passion without snuffing it out and yet sustaining as little damage as possible. I write this post on our 14th anniversary – we are pretty sure that everyone who wagered bets against us has lost by now – and I decided to share some of the ways we make it work. As I reflect on the years, there are five commitments that Eric and I make that weave strength into our marriage.

1)   We are deeply committed to each other. We have an unusual relationship because we are both public figures, out speaking to churches – but we do so as individuals and on different topics. On one hand, my husband, the Director of Philanthropy for World Relief Canada, tackles the complexities of international poverty, hunger, and education. On the other hand, I speak and preach at churches on the issues of sexual intimacy. Traditionally, the material that I handle is covered by a) a man or b) a couple, so Eric and I are keenly aware that what I do is counter-culture. Could Eric join me? Of course. He is an extremely gifted speaker and thoroughly knowledgeable about marriage. But his calling is different than mine. His work passions lie elsewhere. And I am deeply committed to seeing him grow and flourish in the area to which he is called. But he feels the same way about me. He is actively supportive of my business – from handling the website, to listening to my talking points as I write, to lending a critical eye to my forth-coming book. Truth be told, we love that we are different. We love that we are called to different areas of ministry. We laud each other’s passions and are each other’s biggest fans. We have a deep, abiding respect for the individuality that we bring to our marriage.

2)   We are deeply committed to our marriage. Marriage is not just a combination of two individuals. It is greater than the sum of its parts. It is its own entity. It lives or dies, it communicates to the world, and it can use its powers for good or for evil awesome. Just as Eric and I are deeply rooted in our understanding of ourselves as individuals, we also recognize that our marriage needs nurturing in order to remain strong. If we are not consciously investing in activities that strengthen our marriage, it will become at risk. We therefore jealously guard our date night, we practice what I preach on sexual intimacy, and we understand that we have a calling as a couple to impact the lives of people around us. Because we are people of faith, we believe that God is in the center of our lives, having a relationship with each of us but also having a relationship with our marriage. We build into each other and into our marriage. Here is a (rather crudely drawn) diagram to illustrate this:

3)   We are deeply committed to accountability. We have a circle of people who will speak into our lives and that of our marriage. Not too long ago, a friend sat with me over coffee and asked some very pointed questions. Let me tell you, vulnerability is never easy, but it is crucial. When I asked her what had given her such courage to probe (our relationship is fairly new), she told me that she had just seen another marriage fall apart while she remained quiet. “I decided that I would never be silent again.” This was extremely convicting to me because I have remained silent at times too – fearful that I would be “interfering”. We all need friends who have the courage to speak boldly into our lives, listen with empathy when we open up about our fears, doubts, hesitations and annoyances, and then guide us to greater intimacy with our spouses.

4)   We are deeply committed to authenticity. We have decided that our marriage is not about looking good. No one can weather years of marriage flawlessly. It just doesn’t happen. But when we pretend that everything is fabulous all of the time, it simply serves to make everyone else around us feel inadequate – because they have ups and downs too. Eric and I do have a great marriage, but it is because we have fought hard for it. There have been plenty of times when we didn’t like each other, we hurt each other, we failed to trust each other and we deeply offended each other. I will, no doubt, piss Eric off in the very near future and he will do the same. But that’s ok because marriage is not always a picnic. Very often, the good stuff is on the other side of the hard stuff because you don’t learn the lessons, work on your character, and become the person you need to be without the hard stuff acting as a catalyst to get you there. Inviting people on this journey with us gives us the space to be real and enables others to be real with us.

5)   We are deeply committed to growth. It never ceases to amaze me that people will skip off to a professional development seminar at work, but never carve out the same time for their marriage. Eric and I went on our first marriage retreat a mere four months after we tied the knot. This is not because we were already regretting our decision, but because we were keenly aware that if we did not continue to grow, we would die. This pattern has continued throughout our marriage. In February, we spoke at the Good to Great conference. Because we were taking the sexual intimacy segment, we were the last to present (you have to build up to sex). As we sat and listened to the other three speaker couples, we learned and gleaned new insight.

I am grateful for the 14 years I have had with Eric. He truly is the love of my life, the husband of my youth. I would not be the woman I am today without him. He saw things in me before I ever recognized them in myself. He has called forth greatness in me. Our adventures in passion continue, but they would have exploded into flames years ago if we hadn’t built those five commitments into our foundation.

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Christine Lingerie

Posted on April 3, 2012

Remember how I said I am not a good juggler? Here is one superb example of it. In September, I had the privilege to interview Christine Morton of Christine Lingerie. I am ashamed to admit that I couldn’t figure out how to post the video and so, rather than getting help, I allowed it to slip off my radar. This is such a shame, because Christine is really engaging and her line is stunning. Not only do movie stars love her product, but Christine really understands how to create sensual lingerie that works with a wide range of body types.

So in the spirit of “better late than never”, here is the video and the link to her site. (No, I didn’t figure out how to do it, but I finally asked for help.)

Here is the link to her site: Christine Lingerie

Interview with Christine Morton Play Now
| Play in Popup | Direct Link

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Fresh Start

Posted on March 29, 2012

So, it has been ages since I posted a blog. Life has been crazy busy. I finished the first draft of my book – nearly 118,000 words on relationships and sexual intimacy – and it is now being peer reviewed. That is incredibly intimidating – having other people read your work for the first time. It’s like handing someone your first baby and waiting for their response. Is she pretty? Will they like her? Will they approve? It is nothing short of terrifying. And yet, like so many watershed events in life, it is crucially important.

I have been facing down other giants as well. In the past 6 months, I have been invited to preach at numerous churches. Now, I have taught in churches for years but moving into the pulpit has been a transformative experience. You see, I grew up in a home wherein women were not to preach. They could teach in Sunday school and to women’s groups, but getting in front of a congregation and delivering a message was a no-no. So, when I was first asked to do a Sunday morning service, my jaw hit the ground. I really struggled internally with the question of whether I could justify it Biblically.

I am also realizing how critically important the concept of “shame” is to the work that I do. I have been researching the work of Dr. Brene Brown and implementing it in my coaching and teaching and the response has been overwhelmingly positive. You see, for all the strategies and practices that I teach, I have come to the conclusion that if people do not deal with the shame that they feel around the issues of sex, they will forever be anchored to their dysfunction.  All the “how-to’s” in the world will not interrupt the cycles of hurt and pain if people can not take an honest look at their own shame.

Finally, I have concluded that I am not a good juggler. I really struggle to coach, write, handle techy stuff, teach, and be a good wife and mother all at the same time. I am a linear, one-task-at-a-time type of girl, trying desperately to be a proficient multi-tasker. As such, this blog has suffered.

So here is what I have decided. I am not going to do teaching on my blog. If you want to hear my stuff, come out to one of my courses or bring me in to speak to your people. (Evidently, I now preach too.) If you want to read my blog, then be prepared for my musings on life, the universe and everything. Yes, I am sure they will intersect with issues pertaining to sexual intimacy because that is the world in which I dwell about 60 hours a week. But I also believe that authenticity and transparency are important and necessary as we all take this journey in life. It is my goal, therefore, to have more of that – to have more “Ferf” (my nickname) in my blog and less “Eryn-Faye”. Both are important, but they serve different purposes. Enjoy!

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How Much Sex Do You OWE Your Spouse?

Posted on September 12, 2011

How much does your spouse OWE you for lack of sex in your marriage? If you are French, the answer is 10,000 Euros.

Under the French Civil Code, couples entering into marriage agree to “shared communal life” and the judge presiding over a recent case agreed with the petitioner that this included sexual intimacy. The wife, who sued her ex-husband two years after their divorce, claimed that their sexless relationship directly led to the dissolution of their marriage and she was due financial compensation. All of a sudden, having a “headache” has gotten very expensive.

Read the whole article here: Frenchman Ordered to Pay Wife Damages for Lack of Sex

Thoughts??

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Making pre-marital “appearance deals”…

Posted on June 20, 2011

According to this article there is a new trend in “wedding contracts”…an appearance clause.

Joan Chang, a 27-year-old associate producer at CBC Radio who has been married for four years, has an appearance deal with her spouse. “He will not grow facial hair. And I will not cut my hair really short. Or wear a hat. He doesn’t like hats on ladies at all,” she says with a laugh.

Read the whole article on the Globe and Mail website.

What do you think?

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Eryn-Faye’s Feature Videos

VIDEOS TO BE REVEALED SHORTLY…