Three Steps to Cultivating the Erotic

I know I left you with a bit of a cliff-hanger last week. But I wanted you to have some time to truly ponder the weight of what I was suggesting. Allow me to now fill in some of the blanks for you. The very elements of mystery - the unknown, the uncertain, the ill-defined - are the places in which eroticism flourishes. The self-help guru Anthony Robbins says that the amount of passion in your relationship is directly proportional to the amount of uncertainty you can tolerate. Most of us like to play it safe, so once the first blush of love has subsided, we experience very little eroticism.  Often we feel a bit like the folks in this comic my husband found me - written and drawn by Jeph Jacques.

Here are a few things that eroticism needs in order to survive in your relationship:

1. Eroticism needs separateness.

Never before in history has there been so much pressure on relationships as there is in North America today. My husband and I saw how deeply engrained our own cultural biases were when we lived in Kathmandu, Nepal. We quickly came to realize that marriages such as our own were termed “love marriages” and they were actually looked down upon! This was quite a shock to us until we learned the rationale behind the distain.

Many of the older generation had the foresight to realize that the young couple, acting on a rush of hormones and endorphins, would not have sufficient wisdom to make a life-long choice of a spouse. The older generation expected that love would grow over the years of participating together in the daily duties of life. Financial stability, genetic compatibility, the support of a wider community, etc. rather than love were the hallmarks of a good match.

Now, before we get too critical of the pitfalls of that culture, let’s take a look at our own. Today, we put tremendous pressure on our spouses. We expect romance, deep understanding of our wants and needs, spiritual alignment, friendship (indeed the closest of friendship), passion, and agreement in parenting styles. This list goes on and on. We have, in essence, taken the admonition that “the two will become one” and interpreted it as complete and total enmeshment. I personally believe that our divorce rates are a reflection of the fact that our marriages are buckling under the strain of these ludicrously high expectations.

And yet, if we are to experience the erotic in our relationships, we have to give room to the fact that our spouse is indeed a separate person, whose fantasies and sexual tastes and desires might be very different than our own. When we embrace this separateness and allow it room in our relationship, the erotic has space to breathe.

I recently had a client tell me a story about her husband. One day, while away on a business trip, he had confessed to her that he had a secret fetish. On the surface, this was completely outside of her paradigm, but she realized that it wasn’t anything which violated her core values in the marriage. So instead of feeling threatened and responding with ridicule (such as “That is so strange and I really don’t want to have anything to do with it.”), she embraced the concept that her husband was a separate person, unique in his tastes and proclivities, and she told him she would be delighted to explore this avenue with him. The irony was that when she acknowledged and affirmed his individuality within the context of their relationship, their intimacy flourished.

Why do many people push back from the concept of separateness in marriage? I believe it has a lot to do with fear. If I accept that you are a separate individual, you might ask me to do something that is outside my own personal comfort zone, you might not want me, or you might define yourself differently than I do. Which leads me to my second point.

2. Eroticism needs fresh eyes.

Many of the couples I meet take a tremendous amount of pride in the fact that they “know” each other. This is a wonderful sentiment when it creates warmth and fondness and a sense of shared history in the relationship.

It can backfire on us though. When we become so secure in our belief that we “know” our spouse, we can stop looking for different perspectives on them. We get locked into our point of view, and even worse, we think that our opinions of our spouse are the “right” ones. In essence, we get so used to seeing what is in front of us that we no longer look for it any more. Psychologists call this problem habituation. As we become acclimated to the new stimuli, we begin to take it for granted. This can be an incredibly dangerous to the relationship.

The only group in which the divorce rate is going up in right now is empty-nesters. Everyone else’s divorce rate is remaining stable or going down. Theirs is going up. Why? I believe it is because theses couples took each other for granted for years but the cracks in the foundation of their relationship didn’t come to light until the kids left home. After years of “knowing” each other, we wake up and realize we don’t know each other at all!

To combat habituation, we need to be on the lookout for fresh perspectives on our spouse. My dear friend Sarah has the pleasure (or burden, depending on how you look at it) of seeing her husband through the eyes of another almost every time they go out for dinner. Sherman is a very attractive and gregarious guy who manages, without doing anything inappropriate I must stress, to make the waitresses swoon when he enters the restaurant. Many wives I know would respond to this situation by getting jealous or annoyed. Instead, Sarah has deliberately chosen to use these times as reminders of how sexy her husband is to other women. By making this choice, she allows these experiences ensure that her perception of Sherman never stales.

Couples would be wise to heed Sarah’s learnings when they think of their own sex lives. Men in particular, often pigeon-hole their wives as disinterested in sex and less sexual in general than men. Shmuly Boteach, the “Love Rabbi”, puts a lot of the weight of responsibility for this principle on the shoulders of men. He asserts that women are much more deeply sexual than men. They have layers to their sexuality which can be peeled back and discovered.

Here is what he says:

“The Talmud, written two thousand years ago, goes so far as to say that a man of leisure, that is a man whose occupation does not involve strenuous exertion is obligated to make love to his wife every single night. And that’s because his wife wants it every night. The rabbis of the Talmud understood women to be much more sexual than men. And to the extent that today so many married women claim instead to have a headache is because their husbands are having such bad sex with them that they’ve killed off their libidos.”

That’s an incredibly different perspective that what we culturally believe. Women actually have a deeper sense of sexuality but their libidos have been killed off by bad sex!

When we actively seek new perspectives on our spouses, when we are constantly on the lookout for change and growth in them, when we refuse to be fearful or dismissive of the perspectives of others, our own eroticism grows.

3. Eroticism needs delayed gratification.

We are, without a doubt, a culture of instant gratification. It is ingrained even in our children. Numerous studies have been run over the years asking children to choose between getting the object of their desire immediately or waiting a bit and getting even more. In one study done at Stanford, 70% of the children simply could not wait. They settled for less so that they could get it faster.

We cart this mentality right into our sex lives. We are besieged with images of couples having sex on first dates (sometimes the second if the couple is extra cautious). When we hop into the sack, it is all about the sprint to orgasm. Slam, bam, thank you ma’am.

And yet, instant gratification numbs eroticism. Eroticism thrives in being put off and delayed. Think back to the first kiss with your lover. Did you spend time thinking about when it was going to happen? How was it going to unfold? Where were you going to be? The delight of anticipation accelerated the desire.

We find the antithesis of this in most modern marriages. Couples zone out in front of the TV all evening and then will turn to each other and intone the words of Big John McCarthy, “let’s get it on!”  It’s no wonder that we have so many couples who are bored silly with their sex lives.

If you want to have eroticism in your sex life, you are going to have to be deliberate about cultivating it. The anticipation for sex should not begin when Leno goes off. It should begin in the morning or even the day before. You should be flirting, teasing, and touching hours before you ever take your clothes off. Only a small percentage of “sex” should take place when you are naked. The rest takes place when intercourse is not logistically possible but you are building up to the experience.

Think all of that takes too much energy? A boring, sexless marriage takes a whole lot more and it will cost you in the long run. So turn off the TV an hour earlier. Don’t panic - you can DVR it or wait until the series comes out on DVD. Flirt with each other leading up to the actual act. Look for chances to see your lover in a new light. If someone eyes up your lover don’t get jealous, get intrigued. And spend time exploring those layers of your sexuality.

Exploring the Erotic

The Mystery Box Tour - Part Three

Exploring the Erotic

In this hilarious clip from the TV show, Two and a Half Men, Charlie and his fiancée reflect the predicament in which many couples find themselves after years together:

Why is it that the more we get to know each other, the most comfortable we become in our relationship, and the more intimacy we cultivate, the more our desire diminishes? You would think that as we draw closer and closer, we would have more and more desire. But instead, as we grow comfortable in our relationship, sex ebbs and we no longer take the care to bank our stream off the side of the toilet.

In her book, Mating in Captivity, Ester Perel describes the paradox of knowledge and mystery. I described this paradox as being the illegitimate love child of Mulder and Scully but I think Perel is a bit more articulate!

“Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energized by it. If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is about having; desire is about wanting. An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness. It is less concerned with where it has already been than passionate about where it can still go. But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire. They forget that fire needs air.”

When you hear this explanation of desire and the erotic, it is easy to see why we have these strong feelings during the infancy of our relationship. These were the days when all the things that make desire flourish reigned supreme. Everything was new and fresh, waiting to be explored. And then, as we got to know each other, this driving force stalled. We spent so much time together than very little was new. The paradox is that the deeper we grow in our intimacy with each other, the more elusive eroticism becomes.

Some couples believe this is how marriage is meant to be. They sacrifice the passion of eroticism for the comforts and security of knowledge of each other. In fact, sometimes they go to great lengths to explain away the loss of their eroticism. “That was immature love and does not compare to what we have together now”, they say. Is there truth in this statement? Somewhat. It is true that there is incredible bonding that happens when a couple builds years of history together. Our knowledge base of each other makes us phenomenal friends and partners. But it doesn’t necessarily make us phenomenal lovers.

When it comes to maintaining amazing sex over the years with your spouse, I tend to agree with JJ Abrams - “Mystery is the infinite potential and possibility. It is hope. It is the catalyst for imagination. There are times when it is more important than knowledge.” Actively recognizing and cultivating mystery in your marriage will help keep the spark alive over all those years.

The million dollar question, however, is, “How do I cultivate both intimacy and eroticism?”

Think on that one this week. Discuss it with your spouse. I have some tips and suggestions that I will give you next week.

Relational Eroticism Part 2

I am not a history teacher by any means, but I have heard the comment that those who do not study the past are destined to repeat it.  I understood that statement to be an indictment on ignorance, and I have never wanted to be ignorant.  So, in order to “study the past” I became a student of it, mostly by watching the History Channel and Mel Gibson movies every now and again.  And one of my, now less so, guarded secrets is that I love watching the History Channel.  I was watching it the other day when my husband walked in.  He stared at the screen for a moment and saw men dressed up in medieval armor and turned and looked at me…waiting for some explanation as to why I was watching historical battles reenacted. I didn’t really have one other than a meek, “there wasn’t anything else on.”  But the truth is that I found it fascinating.

I love the names we have given to periods of time in history:  “The Dark Ages”, “The Renaissance”, “The Age of Enlightenment”…these all sound so romantic.  It’s way better than simply saying, “I grew up in the 70’s!  Best I have is “The Age of Bellbottoms and Awful Moustaches”, and that doesn’t roll off the tongue.

Just like looking back at pictures from the 1970’s and wondering how on earth our parents could have thought those clothes were fashionable in any way, when we look back on other ages in history it is always interesting to see what odd and even ignorant perceptions and paradigms people held so dear to themselves.

For instance, look at the so-called “Middle Ages” or “Dark Ages” for instance.  It was not until hundreds of years later that scholars began to use those terms for it, and it quickly took on a derogatory meaning.  It became a way to sum up that section of time by focusing on what was deemed to be “wrong with it.”  For a while it was called the “Age of Faith” because religion reigned supreme in the culture. Later, when this was deemed to be inappropriate because it is in direct conflict with the subsequent deification of intellect and man, scholars began referring to that period of history as “barbaric” and “priest-ridden”, and spoke of “these dark times”, “the centuries of ignorance”, and “the uncouth centuries”.

By the same token, these same scholars began calling their own time the “Age of Enlightenment.”  Thanks to the great oracle Google, I can tell you that, The Age of Enlightenment (or simply the Enlightenment) is a term used to describe a time in Western philosophy and cultural life, in which reason was advocated as the primary source and legitimacy for authority.  In fact, during this time reason was held to be the primary value of society.  Reason was prized above authority, intuition, emotion, mysticism, superstition, and faith.

Why am I forcing you into my private interest in history?  Because there are things we can learn from the past.  In fact, our current culture is shaped, in many ways, by cultural past. Studies have been done that show as much as 90% of our beliefs are secondary - meaning, that we either heard or read it, but did not personally experience it, and yet we believe it to be true. So when we hear “Dark Ages” we believe those times to be “bad” and when we hear “Enlightenment” we believe those times to be “good”.  What follows from that are logical conclusions that we should do like those who were “enlightened” and not be like those who were “ignorant”.   The pendulum has swung fully from a time where mysticism and faith (belief in that which cannot be seen or explained) were revered to a place where reason and understanding reign supreme.  Anything that cannot be fully known, understood, and explained in minute detail is not to be trusted.

The problem with this, like with any over-reaction, is that we have thrown the proverbial baby out with the bathwater.  Believe me, I too love to know and understand things.  When my husband is telling me something, I often serenade him with a chorus us “details, details…I WANT DETAILS!!!”  Seriously, I really do sing this to him.  It’s cute when I do it.  Seriously.

Anyway, the point here is that I am like everyone else when it comes to knowing things.  I want to know.  I need to know.  It’s my God-given right to know!  And therefore I tend to not trust things that I do not really understand.

This same philosophy has wormed its way into our belief about relationships.  I cannot tell you how many people have told me that they “deserve to know” every detail of their lover’s past and present in every area of their life.  And if they don’t know every detail, then they assume that things are being hidden and if things are being hidden then they must be bad or they wouldn’t hide them, and if they hide things then they don’t trust them, and if they don’t trust them then they cannot truly love them…and round and round the circle goes - each link in the chain assuming more and more negative qualities and it will become a major block in a relationship (if not a causal link to it failing).  Somehow in marriage we have come to the point where we actively and intentionally strive to eliminate all mystery.  We lose tolerance for a spouse who loads the dishwasher differently than we do - we don’t even bother to see why they do it a different way, we just know that our way is better.  We lose all tolerance for ambiguity - everything has to be nice and predictable.  Orderly.  Able to be quantified and classified.  Simple and easy to explain and understand.

The problem with this banal perspective is that it is, well, boring.  And aside from boring, it by definition extinguishes any erotic life from marriage.  Eroticism thrives in an atmosphere of mystery.  It allows for, and even encourages, spontaneity.  It provides fodder for our powerful imaginations to re-engage in the area of sex.   We regain a sense of wonder about sex.

I love the wording of that phrase: sense of wonder.  The very word bestows us with permission to not know.  To wonder is to not be sure - to not know.  And yet, one of the things we revere about children is their unadulterated sense of wonder - their amazing ability to simply look at things in awe without the overwhelming desire to understand it all.  They can take things at face value and appreciate them for what they are on the surface.  Faith comes easy to them.

We as adults, on the other hand, almost pride ourselves on our cynicism.  No one will take advantage of us.  We have ubiquitous sayings that permeate our sub-conscious like, “fool me once, shame on you - fool me twice, shame on me” or “if it seems too good to be true, then it is” or “I’m from Missouri, SHOW ME.”  We require proof.  In many ways we still cling to the pendulum that swung so far.

This is because, in North America, our thinking has been so radically impacted by the Age of Enlightenment. We can rationalize and explain virtually everything in our world. Intellectual discourse is high on our list of values. If I can explain things more articulately than you then I win the debate. We put very little value on mystery, on that which cannot be explained. Even our “mystery” shows on TV - CSI and Bones among others - are tied up neatly with a bow at the end of the episode. Shows which refuse to explain every little nuance - the show Lost comes to mind - drive us insane. (Why can’t they just tell us what is up with that island anyways?!)

And so it is with our relationships. Can’t communicate well? Head to your local bookstore and look through the thousands of self-help books. Or even better, flip on Dr. Phil - he will give you an answer. Can’t sustain an erection? Go to the doctor and get a prescription of Viagra or Cialis filled. If that doesn’t work, you can research penis implant surgery.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I am not saying that diligently seeking solutions to life’s problems is wrong. Au contraire - I wholeheartedly advocate being solution-oriented. And yet, there are times when we cannot find answers. Times when the prescription medication he is taking to keep him alive has devastating side effects on his libido and despite all the things you have tried, nothing can take away the ache that he doesn’t pursue you like he once did. Times where even though she has never had an orgasm with you, she finally confesses that she cannot live like this any more. Even though you have tried and tried, nothing is working and your fear that she will leave is escalating with each failed attempt.

In these moments, do we stop looking for solutions? No.

Rather we have to act like the love illegitimate love child of Mulder and Scully from the X-Files.  While looking for answers, we have to simultaneously learn to embrace the ambiguity of mystery. We choose to learn from the very fact that we do not know the answers. Contrary to everything our culture teaches us, we realize that we can grow from not knowing. We choose to see this mystery box as something that will weave richness into our life’s story rather than an inconvenience that needs to be immediately eradicated.

Richard Rohr calls this place “liminal space.” He says, “It is when you have left the “tried and true” but have not yet been able to replace it with anything else… It is when you are in between your old comfort zone and any possible new answer. It is no fun.”

No, it is not fun. However, if we can survive liminal space without bailing out too early for cheap and easy answers, we reap incredibly rich rewards: we become adept at dealing with anxiety, living with ambiguity, and stoking the flames of eroticism.

You thought I had forgotten about eroticism. Trust me…I’m getting there, but we have to build the foundation first. Next week: Exploring the Mystery of the Erotic or The Truth Erotic is Out There…

Relational Eroticism

One of the most profound talks I have ever seen took place when JJ Abrams spoke at the TED Conference. If you are not yet familiar with TED, you really should be. It is a conference held each year on topics which relate to Technology, Entertainment and Design. Experts from all around the world are invited to speak about their field of study in 18 minutes or less. God himself would only be allotted 18 minutes to speak at TED. And while it costs about $6,000 to buy a ticket to the conference - if you can get one at all - you can watch the talks online for free.

Back in March 2007, JJ Abrams spoke on mystery. When he was a young boy, his grandfather was the instrumental person in his life that encouraged both his love of mysteries and as well as his exploration into how things work. One of his grandfather’s gifts to him was a box of magic tricks advertised to have $50 worth of magic for only $15. Abrams has carried that box around with him for years, never opening it, as a reminder of his grandfather and the wonder of what the box might actually hold. As long as he keeps it closed, there is mystery. Abrams contends that “Mystery is the catalyst for imagination” and “there are times when mystery is more important than knowledge.”

If you want to watch his TED talk in its entire 18 minutes, click here - JJ Abrams - Magic Box .

The reason, he continues, that mystery trumps knowledge is that we crave “mystery boxes” in our stories. They are the lifeblood of entertainment.   Take Star Wars for example:

You got the droids; they meet the mysterious woman. Who’s that? We don’t know. Mystery box! Then you meet Luke Skywalker. He gets the droids, you see the holographic image. You learn, Oh, it’s a message. She wants to, you know, find Obi Wan Kenobi. He’s her only hope. But who’s Obi Wan Kenobi? Mystery box!  So he goes to Old Ben Kenobi and it turns out he is Obi Wan Kenobi and he knew Luke’s father.  But who is Luke’s father?  Mystery box!

It is these mystery boxes which draw us into the story. They stimulate our imagination. They are the great unknown. They bond us to the characters. They are the twists and turns which we do not expect but utterly delight us. That is our attitude…at least when they are happening on screen.

But what happens when we encounter mystery boxes in our own lives? Typically, we get very annoyed. They are inconvenient. They deter us from easy and fun things in our lives. They don’t fit into our neat and tidy version of a picture-perfect life.

However, if we were to translate our lives into a movie script, they would look like this:

• My 13 month old daughter was just diagnosed with a potentially life-threatening illness. We don’t know what is coming next. Mystery box.
• There is a world-wide economic downturn. How are we going to make it financially? Mystery box.
• My husband has just been put on anti-depressants which are killing his libido. How do we manage that? Mystery box.

In our personal lives, we want to - in fact we demand to - rip open the mystery box to see what is inside. The very circumstances that would make our life’s story a block-buster hit on screen are what we want to immediately eradicate. We want all the answers right here, right now. But the irony of the mystery box is that once you rip it open, all the possibilities are gone. Suddenly the anticipation of $50 worth of magic is replaced by the fact that you actually only got a bunch of cheap tricks.

And yet, if you are going to experience eroticism in your relationship, you are going to have to endure a bit of mystery.

How on earth do eroticism and mystery have anything to do with each other?

They have everything to do with each other. Think about it - when did you have the most passion and eroticism with your lover? I would put money on the earlier days of your relationship. Those were the days when we would kiss for hours; we would talk until 4 in the morning; we could not wait to get a phone call during the day from each other. To quote the band, The Police, it was the period in our relationship when “Every little thing she does is magic.”

Ironically, those were also the days when we knew very little about each other. Our hunger to become more knowledgeable of each other drove our passions. The very mystery of this new person sparked eroticism. But as we began to understand each other, as we began to grow deeper in love, and as we melded our worlds together, the eroticism faded.

In his book The Kosher Sutra, Shmuley Boteach describes it as such: “[Eroticism] is much like a secret that you long to hear. As soon as its contents are revealed, it has ceased to be a secret and in the process it has ceased to be interesting or erotic.”

If I had to wager a guess right now, I would bet that you have a lot of knowledge about your spouse but not a lot of mystery. I would further guess that you miss the passion that you once had in your relationship. Those two circumstances are intrinsically entwined.

So how do we nurture a relationship of intimacy over decades with our spouse and still experience mystery?

This is the topic I am going to be discussing over my next few blogs. Together, we will explore how the Age of Enlightenment and the accompanying deification of reason threatens to destroy the passion in our relationships. We will look at the annoyances of dealing with ambiguity and the importance of seeing our lovers through fresh eyes. We will brainstorm about ways to increase the erotic in our marriages. And somewhere, in the midst of all of this, I hope that we will begin once again feel the flames of passion. Perhaps we will even want to rip the clothes off of our lovers once again. Stay tuned.

NEW - Guest Writers for erynfaye.com

Socrates said that “An unexamined life is not worth living” and I couldn’t agree more. If we are not looking at what makes us think and behave the way we do, then we get mired down in patterns that are utterly predictable and, well, incredibly boring and tedious.

If I do nothing else on this website, I hope that I spark your interest in looking to see your lover in new ways and deepening your love and respect for each other.

One of the best ways to examine our own lives is by listening to the thoughts and perspectives of others. For nearly a year now, you have listened to what I have to say. Do not fear - I have no intentions of being quiet anytime soon. However, I have decided to invite guest writers to share their own ruminations on passion, love and intimacy. These guests come from various walks of life and all have thoroughly different perspectives, opinions and insights to share with you.

Some of these people are professional writers; others are not. Some of them will provide their own articles; others prefer an interview style. Some approach the subject with a clinical eye; others will share deeply personal stories.

Whatever format or voice they choose, remember this: it is through thoughtful discussion and discourse that we learn and grow.

Having said that, here is a suggestion for a “blogger date” with your spouse: When the guest posts come out, sit down and read the article together and then talk about the implications in your own love life. What strikes you as funny or odd or truly fantastic? Does the article seem out in left field or does it hit amazingly close to home? What can you incorporate in your own love life? What do you want to blush and laugh about?

Get ready to have your first blogger date on January 12^th.

I am delighted to announce that my first guest writer will be Cumingirl from Christian Nymphos.

Cumingirl will be writing on Anal Sex in Marriage.

Cumingirl is a devoted wife and full time mom of two living in the USA.  She is one of the co-creators of www.christiannymphos.org.  Their website is considered by many to be groundbreaking in its ability to intertwine sex and the Christian faith.  The site was launched as a way to teach married women to walk in sexual freedom with their husbands.

How to Look Good Naked

“All we’ve ever wanted is to look good naked; hope that someone can take it.
God save me rejection from my reflection; I want perfection”

Robbie Williams, Bodies

I am endlessly fascinated by the British series How to Look Good Naked. During each show the host, Gok Wan, will hone in on the deepest insecurities of a female guest and discover which body part she despises most about herself. He will then have her strip down to her “knickers” (or underwear for you non-British folk out there) and introduce her to a line up of average-looking women who are also in their undies. Gok explains to the guest that these women are lined up from smallest to largest of the hated body part. The woman then has to place herself where she thinks she fits in the line up. So, for example, if she is really concerned about her thighs, he arranges the women from smallest to largest thighs and then has the guest decides where she believes she measures up.

I have never seen a show where the guest didn’t go right near to the end where the largest body part was. Sometimes, while she does this, she is in tears completely undone by her self-loathing. However, Gok will then move her to the place where she actually belongs - this is most often nearer to the smaller end. The brilliant point that the show makes is that when it comes to body image, how we perceive ourselves is not necessarily reality.

We are besieged, each and every day, by images of “beauty” as defined by marketers. We somehow forget that it is their job to make us feel insecure about ourselves so that we will go out and buy their product. In fact, we get so caught up in what beauty is supposed to look like that when our lover tells us how good we look, we grimace and respond with an ungracious comment such as, “you need to get your eyes checked”. Internally, we are running through a checklist - formed through our consumption of airbrushed images - of all the reasons why s/he is wrong. But we, like the women on How to Look Good Naked, might have perspectives on our bodies which are very, very wrong.

Most people at this point go into a diatribe about how our character, our choices, our love for each other, our insides are most important in life. And I am all for those things. Truly.

However, there is no doubt that attraction is essential to a great sex life. You go to bed anticipating hot, steamy sex and all that passion you are feeling is immediately extinguished when he kisses you with unbrushed teeth and you get to taste what he had for dinner. Or she sidles up to you in her ratty sweats - so she can stay warm during foreplay, of course. Or he hasn’t cleaned under his finger nails since 1995. Or her hair hasn’t come down from that pony-tail since the kids were born. Physical attraction matters. You might be a beautiful person inside, but s/he is not making love to your insides.

When I am coaching couples, I try to redirect their focus from what our society says is attractive to what they find attractive in each other. Instead of scrambling to reach some unattainable cultural expectation (let’s face it, we’ve all seen rather unflattering photos of what the media refer to as “beautiful people”), find out what your lover sees as beautiful and what makes you feel attractive and sexy. Then set a goal to work on those things.

One of my clients shared with me her road to finding her “attractive self”. She has terrible skin sensitivities and so she cannot wear makeup easily and even hair products can be problematic. She always felt “less-than” because she couldn’t have the glamorous hair and makeup like the models. However, she discovered that she feels really attractive in skirts. So, she started to look for skirts which really make her feel sexy. Sometimes they are long; sometimes they are short. They had to be made of a fabric that felt good to her. She works with her husband, and so sometimes she goes to work with garters on underneath her skirts. And he loves this. Just knowing that his wife is wearing garters under her skirts is a complete turn-on to him especially since he can think about it all day at work. Now, if you saw her walking down the street and you were looking only for women who fit the model version of “gorgeous”, you might not give her a second glance. But she knows that she is attractive and her husband knows this too. They have found what really works for them.

What works for you and your lover? Do you actively put effort into being attractive for your spouse? If this is an area of your relationship that you would like to address, here are some things you can do:

1. What does your lover find attractive about you? Have you ever asked or have you just assumed? Ask him/her - what is your favourite feature about me? What do I do that you find attractive? If I am able to do nothing else to make myself attractive, but I could only do one thing for you - what would that one thing be? If s/he is open to the conversation, turn it around and tell him what you find attractive about him/her.
2. What makes you feel attractive, beautiful, sexy, hot? Do you allow yourself the time, the energy, the money to invest in this? How would your demeanor change if you did? Would your lover notice a difference? Would other people around you notice a difference? Find one (even small) way that you can feel more attractive this week and do it.
3. Buy an article of clothing that makes you feel incredible. How does it feel against your skin? What do you love about it - is it the colour, the shape, the fabric, the way you look in it? How does your lover respond when you wear it?

Personal Body Grooming

When I was in elementary school, I ran down the street to visit a girlfriend. Her mother opened the door dressed in her exercise gear. This was the age of the Jane Fonda Workout and doing aerobics videos at home was all the rage. I can only assume that the mother peeked through the peephole in her door and thought, “Oh, it is only Eryn-Faye” because I shudder to think that, given her state of dress, she would have opened it to just anyone. For even at my young age, my eyes were drawn to the bush which was popping out of both sides of her body-suit and I vividly remember thinking to myself, “Dear God, I will never let myself look like that!”

Being thoroughly scarred from that incident, I was always meticulous as a teenager to make sure that nothing escaped from my swimsuit when splashing around during the Texas summers. Bikini waxes or shavings were just a part of my regular grooming regime. However, I was well into my twenties before I realized that I could do more than just “edge the curb”, so to speak. People actually “mow the whole lawn”!

Here are some of the reasons why both men and women might want to look into more extensive body groming (FYI - men, we call this “man-scaping” for you):

• In today’s styles of skimpy bathing suits, shorts, workout clothes and even lingerie, clipping your pubic hair means that you don’t have to be worried about anything sticking out.  (and reading about it on someone’s website 30 years later)
• If you are concerned about hygiene issues, the idea of less hair is most likely very appealing.
• Oral sex is so much more enjoyable when your lover is well groomed.
• Intercourse takes on a host of new sensations when there is little or nothing as a barrier in between.
• Less hair means more to see, and this can be very exciting. Provided that the lights are on, of course.

If you decide to take the plunge, you have several options, three of which are the most popular:

Trimming - typically using scissors or a trimmer (hair or beard), this is an option that you can try at home. If this is your first time with a trimmer, start with a longer blade and then shorten it to the desired length. While it does not remove the hair completely, it does shorten the length and tidy up the area.

Pro’s - once you invest in a good pair or scissors or a trimmer, the procedure is cheap, easy and quickly done at home.

Con’s - you will never experience the smooth feeling of a shave or wax, and you will most likely have to finish up the more delicate areas with a razor.

Shaving - this is an exceedingly easy option as everyone keeps a razor in the house. Usually more than one. When shaving the pubic region, it is essential to have a sharp razor (brand new is best) and a good shaving cream or gel. If this is the first time to do any sort of upkeep in the pubic region, then you will want to trim the area first so that your razor isn’t dull by the time you get to the sensitive areas. Go slowly, and try not to shave over the same area multiple times so that you can avoid irritation to the skin. (If you need a great shaving cream which helps cut down on the irritation, try out Unisex Soft & Silky)

Pro’s - cheap, easy and quick to do. The only expense is making sure that you change out your razors regularly to ensure that they remain sharp. You will have the soft, smooth feeling immediately after shaving.

Con’s - in the early stages of re-growth, the hair is stubbly which can be uncomfortable. However, once you get past this stage (usually in a day or two) this discomfort abates.

Waxing - the key to getting a good wax job is finding someone who really knows what they are doing. My personal opinion is that this is not the type of service that you want to get at your local esthetics school where all the novices are trying their new found skill sets on you for a cheaper price. But that’s just me. I believe that in the world of pubic waxing, you get what you pay for. If possible, get a referral from a friend who has had a good experience. If not, make sure that the salon is reputable, clean, and that your esthetician has experience giving pubic waxes.

Most salons will give women several options including Brazilian waxing (a full removal of hair) or French waxing (a “landing strip” of hair is left remaining). Likewise, men have the option of going totally bald or just waxing portions of their pelvic region.

Pro’s - Since the hair is removed at the hair follicle, it takes longer to grow back in and when it does, it does not have the stubble which accompanies shaving. Some people claim that if you continue to wax, over time the hair also comes in thinner and thinner. Immediately following waxing, the area is completely soft and smooth.

Con’s - It can be a somewhat painful experience, although an experienced esthetician will keep this to a minimum and move the procedure along quickly so that the discomfort does not last for long. Furthermore, the process can be expensive depending on where you live (smaller towns which have fewer salons tend to up their prices for this specialty service). However, as I mentioned above, this is not a service you want to scrimp on the price. If it is worth doing, it is worth doing well.

At the end of the day, there are a lot of options out there so that you can keep your down below region well groomed. Which I am sure will make your lover very happy.   (And you won’t freak out elementary school kids either. Bonus.)

The Sexual Cycle

A friend of mine from Texas once told me that when her husband asks if she wants to have sex, she will often respond by saying to him, “I don’t know. Why don’t you kiss me and we will find out?”

Whether or not she knew it, she was reflecting what new research is telling us about the sexual cycle. Because of what we see on TV and in Hollywood and maybe even reflected in the lives of those around us, most of us believe that it looks like this:

And for many people - 50% of people in fact - this is the case. They realize that they want sex, which then promotes thoughts and actions which lead to arousal, which leads to a sexual encounter.

However, studies now tell us that this only represents half of the population. What about the other 50%?? The cycle actually looks like this to them:

They actually have to get in the mood and feel the physiological changes of arousal before it will click in their heads that they desire sex. They usually have a great time having sex once they get started, they just start a bit differently.

This is great news for couples who experience a “desire gap” in their marriages. One spouse (the High Desire Spouse - HDS) wants more sex than the other (the Low Desire Spouse - LDS).  As I mentioned in my article, Oh, Me So Horny, the one commonality in these relationships is the LDS gets to set the pace - they have veto power on sex in their marriage - which can cause the desire gap to grow and grow as the years go by.

But what if the LDS is simply someone who falls into the second category of cycles? What if this spouse is waiting to feel that desire in order to acquiesce to sex, all the while not realizing that s/he needs to allow themselves to get aroused first? Remember, a full half of the population falls into this category, so it is highly likely that one (or both) of you might find yourself saying, “Finally! Someone understands me!”

At the Divorce Busting^® conference I participated in, Michele Wiener-Davis told the story of one couple she met. The wife never wanted to have sex, but when she gave into her husband’s request, she actually had a great time and found the experience to be highly satisfying. The husband commented, “I wish I could take a Sharpie pen and write on her arm, ‘I like sex!’ Then, the next time I ask, she can read it and remind herself.”

While I think that the vast majority of people would be a bit embarrassed to have such a visual reminder of their sex life in such an obvious place (can you imagine the looks and questions she would get??!), the humour of this story strikes a cord of truth in most couples. So, here’s my advice to any Cycle 2 people out there - when your spouse approaches you to see if you are in the mood for sex, follow the advice of my friend in Texas and say, “Kiss me first so I can find out!”

So here are my questions for you:

• Are you a Cycle 1 or Cycle 2 person?
• Which one is your spouse?
• Are you in a mixed-cycle marriage?
• What can the two of you do to close the desire gap in your relationship?

Thanksgiving: Act “as if”

As I begin to write this article, George Michael floats into my mind. For the record, I am referring to the sexy, hotter-than-hell George Michael, not the creepy guy who got caught engaging in “lewd acts” in a public bathroom. And, I am sure that most of you are assuming that I am thinking about his song, “I want your sex”. But I am actually reflecting on his song, “Faith”. The tight, ripped jeans were enough to make a woman swoon. But I digress.

Recently, faith has been popping up on my radar screen frequently. I am currently coaching a woman who is separated from her husband but is longing to have him come home. He is taking all sorts of actions which most people would view as intolerable. Most people would recommend that this lady kick her husband to the curb and move on. In fact, her friends are boggled that she is still pursuing reconciliation. But she believes, deep in her heart, that she wants this man despite all the crap. In fact, she believes that they can grow as a couple because of the crap. She believes. She hopes. She has faith.

Faith is believing in things we cannot yet see. Having faith that our spouse will come back home. Believing that our sex life will indeed get better. Believing that marriage does not have to be dull, boring, monotonous. Believing that we can truly have our needs met within the context of this current relationship.

When we “act as if”, we are putting this faith into action. This “act as if” approach to life is echoed in the works of people such as Jack Canfield, Michele Weiner Davis and others. The basic concept is that when we “act as if” everything we want is about to happen has already happened or is in the process of happening, people’s attitudes and actions change around us. Because we are responding differently to the same set of circumstances, they cannot help but respond differently as well.

Think of it like a dance. When my husband and I dance, he makes this move, and I respond with this move. He puts his feet in this place, and I position my feet in this next position. As with partners on the dance floor who have practiced for years, our marriages can run on autopilot. He makes the dinner, and I clean up. He makes the first move in bed, and I respond. I tidy up the house, and he does the yard work. He tells me how beautiful I am and I write notes for him to find around the house. If both parties are happy with this arrangement and it is working for their marriage, then it is a wonderful benefit of being married. Sometimes being on autopilot is efficient - it saves time from negotiating each and every task or interpersonal exchange.

Inevitably though, things change over time. Perhaps a child came along, and so the person in charge of charge of initiating sex rolls over and falls asleep instead. Perhaps a new, more time consuming job comes along and so the house doesn’t get tidied as often. Maybe someone gets sick, and so the dinner routine becomes ordering take out. Sometimes the compliments and little notes become casualties of the immediacy of life. If couples are able to negotiate these changes in life with open communication about their expectations and needs, and find that there is compromise (at the very least) on these expectations and needs, then usually things proceed on well.

However, when couples become disappointed with each other because of lack of or ineffective communication, the dance can change from something that is fun to watch and be a part of, into one which is jarring and uncomfortable. No longer do the steps flow, but now he steps on her foot and she jerks back and he lurches forward to catch her and she moves her feet out of the way to avoid getting stepped on again. And yet, if the couple doesn’t stop and take stock of what is off-course, it is easy to fall into a new, awkward (if not painful) dance pattern.

It might look like this: he doesn’t seem happy anymore so she is cautious when he walks through the door. He sees that she is not exuberant to see him, and so he brushes past her to go see the kids. She feels ignored and so she doesn’t ask him about his day. He feels insignificant so after dinner, he withdraws to watch TV. She follows him into the TV room and complains that he never talks to her anymore. He feels nagged and responds by withdrawing further, maybe even to the guest room for the night. And on and on. Many times we have our own “dances” that we fall into - patterns which are highly predictable when we actually break them down into their individual steps.

The advantage of recognizing these patterns is that it empowers us to do something different. And we don’t both have to recognize the pattern - one of us will do. In fact, one small change in that old familiar pattern can affect a whole new chain of events.

“Acting as if” is a powerful tool in changing the pattern. So, in the example above, what if the wife’s reaction to her husband’s unhappiness had been to greet him at the door with a warm, “welcome home, honey” as if he was walking through the door as happy as could be? Or he had seen her cautious behaviour and gave her a big hug anyways? Either of those actions could have circumvented the other steps which led to his sleeping the guest room. Because when we “act as if” our demeanor, attitude and requests change and this has a domino effect in the lives around us. It is not being inauthentic or untrue to ourselves or play-acting, it is making a choice to see things through the eyes of faith and behave differently as a result.

This Thanksgiving season, what do you want to be thankful for? What do you have faith for? What are you holding on to believing for even though you cannot yet see the results? How can you “act as if” those results are already here?

Here are some ideas on how you can put this into practice:

• Imagine that everything was going the way you wanted it to, think about how would you be acting differently? Then act as if it is.

• Consider your current situation in your relationship.  Ask yourself if your circumstances have this changed how you act/react to him/her?  If the answer is yes, then go back to how you acted/reacted to him/her when things were going well.

• Take a moment and objectively think about your behaviour. Have you stopped doing the little things that you normally would do? Decide to re-implement them regardless of his/her attitude right now.  And remember that those “little things” are actually large, important things in a loving relationship.

And now, to give you a bit of encouragement, I am going to imbed the Faith video. Because we all need a little bit of faith. And because George really is hot.

Thanksgiving: Introduction

My husband and I have a consistent battle in raising our daughter. She is fortunate enough to be raised in a suburban family with access to private school education, dance classes, membership to Science World and a host of other opportunities. The child has never gone without food or shelter or clothing or other basic human needs. And while we wouldn’t even register as a blip on Forbes magazine’s list of the wealthy, when I look at the rest of the world, I cannot help but realize that we are incredibly privileged. And yet, because she has not yet traveled to other parts of the world to get perspective on how most children her age live, my daughter can easily fall into a pattern of complaining about what she doesn’t get.

Marketers are very familiar with this syndrome that Western children have. They call it the “nag factor”. They put down big money on the bet that parents can only handle the whining for so long before they give in and buy the item for their child. Companies now hire psychologists who give advice on how best to lure your child to the product that they offer. Cheryl Idell, an Executive VP for The Nielson Company, claims that a third of purchases for children are made because of this “nag factor”. Think about it. When was the last time your child asked to go out to eat, or for a certain pair of jeans, or even a pack of gum in the grocery store line?

In our family, we have realized that the only way to combat this swell in cultural tide is to pound home the concept of gratefulness. I am not going to intentionally withhold the opportunity for Riley to go to dance, an activity which she loves and offers all sorts of great learnings, but I can help her see that being thankful about this privilege is an essential tenant of being a Frans. As such, when she falls into a pattern of whining, Eric and I give her these instructions:

“Riley, we would love to hear what you have to say. However, for the next hour, every time you open your mouth to start a conversation, you must begin with the sentence, “I am thankful for…” Once you say something - and it can be something as simple as, “I am thankful that it is sunny today” - you can talk with us.”

When we employ this strategy, something interesting happens. Sure, she gets really angry at first. She pouts. She says she can’t find anything to say. But when we do not relent, she begins to talk about what she is grateful for. Usually her first couple of comments are surly. But as she begins to focus on what is good around her, her attitude changes. Life gets brighter and happier. And right before our eyes, our child changes from a sniveling brat into an incredibly pleasant child.

Even as adults, there is something to be said about the practice of actively looking for the things in our lives for which we are thankful. It’s like those optical illusions in which you can see two pictures. Do you see the beautiful young woman or the old hag?

When your spouse walks in the door, who do you see? Do you see someone who is constantly failing to live up to your expectations, or do you see the person who loves you and is doing their best? I believe a lot of what we see in our spouse emanates from our choice. When we adjust our focus to begin looking for the good in our spouse, our attitudes change. And when our attitudes change, this causes a domino reaction which reverberates through the rest of our relationship.

Since it is Thanksgiving this month in Canada (my American readers will just be studying ahead!), I am going to devote the next couple articles on specific strategies that we can employ to see our lover in a new light. Stayed tuned to see what you can learn!

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