I don’t read fiction very often. It is not that I hate it – in fact, it is just the opposite. I absolutely adore fiction. Nancy Drew lit the fire for me, but I quickly moved on to whatever I could devour. Spy books held a particular place of affection for me. I remember reading the Robert Ludlum series of novels when I was 13 years old, convinced that I would grow up to be a CIA agent.

However, my problem with fiction is that it turns me into a really bad wife and mother. I become so engrossed that nothing else in the world exists as I turn page after page. All requests fall on deaf ears because I am so immersed in the book. As such, I have made it a rule to only indulge in fiction on vacation. While my family is happily distracted by the sun, sand and water, I treat myself.

But, rules are meant to be broken. And when a pastor piqued my interest in The Hunger Games trilogy (he was complaining on his social media feed that the kids in his church were reading the series more than the Bible), I snuck a peak at the first book, which incidentally, my husband had just finished. For those of you who have been living under the rock, the crux of the story in The Hunger Games is a group of children who are conscripted by a despicably corrupt government to fight to the death in an elaborate arena. It’s like The Gladiator…on crack cocaine.

The series was as gripping as advertised. I was sucked in. I picked up the books in between coaching calls and administrative emails (ok, I am lying – the administrative emails got put on hold) and finished the books in three days. They were extremely good.

Later, over coffee, I was chatting about the trilogy with a friend. (After all, if you are going to blow off emails to read a good book, you might as well use it as fodder for excellent conversations over coffee.) She was commenting about the level of violence and I responded that I didn’t think it was that bad. She said, “Well, some of the parts were hard to read.” And then she cringed.

She cringed.

I continued to chit-chat in a light-hearted way, but I have since gone back to think about the cringe. And the violence. And why it didn’t affect me more profoundly.

This is what I realized. Going into the series, I was subconsciously prepared for it to be as heart-sickening as some of the stories I have been told over the years about child soldiers. For well over a decade, Eric and I have been (either peripherally or intimately) involved in the issue of children at risk. That is a fancy term that the United Nations uses to talk about kids around the world who are systematically abused for the pleasures or financial gains of adults.

When I was in my early twenties, I listened to horrifying stories by Phyllis Kilbourn about the conscription of children into Liberia’s civil war. I am still haunted by those stories. No, I will not relay them here, but let me assure you that they make The Hunger Games look like child’s play. And they are real.

As I realized that I was unaffected by the gory details that went in to the trilogy, something else occurred to me. The very fact that the series is “Child Soldiers Lite” opens up the doors for discussions about what is actually taking place around the world. It is an amazing teaching tool for children who are old enough (I am thinking at least 12 or 13) to read the series.

Harness all that indignation and anger your children are feeling about outrageous abuses of power. Listen to their deep desires for justice. Explain to them that they are feeling matters. Their emotions point to something that is close to the heart of Jesus…the least of these.

I think it is awesome that our kids are getting so engrossed in The Hunger Games. Because The Hunger Games leads to a very natural conversation about the words of Jesus. And talking about the words of Jesus convicts us to follow the words of Jesus.

So, after you have had a conversation with your kids, challenge them to work towards solutions in parts of the world where young children are truly made to kill other children…and their own parents…and do other unthinkable things. They can fight on behalf of those kids. They can make a difference.

Of course, I am hopelessly biased towards my husband’s organization, World Relief Canada, but there are many others who are working diligently in Somalia, DR Congo and other parts of the world. Find out what you can do so that children in those parts of the world don’t have to live their own Hunger Games.

But, as time went on, I got warm. And then very warm. And then hot. As the speeches concluded, I turned to Eric and reached for his hand. He smiled at me and I said, “I am going to need your help.” But evidently, that request only took place in my mind. I didn’t have a chance to get the words out before my vision darkened.

The next thing I remember is lying on the floor with Eric saying to me, “Eryn-Faye, are you with me? Are you with me?” I was a bit annoyed because I felt as though I was being woken up from a very nice dream. Until I realized I was still at the party and there were about 30 people looking anxiously at me. To say that I was dazed and confused is an understatement.

The paramedics came and checked me out, and declared that it seemed to be a simple case of getting over heated while standing for a period of time. (It is also worth pointing out that although I had eaten dinner before the party, I hadn’t had a tremendous amount of food during the day. I was pretty engrossed in reading The Hunger Games and had forgotten to eat. Which is odd, considering the main character of the book is always talking about being hungry. But I digress.)

As I reflect on this mini-adventure, there are two lessons that I think are worth sharing with you – lessons that we can apply to all areas of our lives.

1)   I took too long to acknowledge that I needed help. Here’s the truth: I knew I really wasn’t doing well about 4 minutes before I fainted. I knew I needed to sit down but I wanted to tough it out. I didn’t want to interrupt the speeches by walking though the people to find a seat. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself. (In hindsight, this is quite amusing considering how much focus I ended up attracting.) By the time I turned to Eric, I was physically incapable of asking for help, and I was going down.

2)   There are people who choose to be comfortable with discomfort. After I was moved to another room, with the windows open so that I could get some air, there were several people from the party – again, people I didn’t know – who came to check on me. They offered simple expressions – a warm smile, an inquiry on how I was doing, a pat on the shoulder – and yet those expressions were laden with meaning. It is awkward when you are having a fun social event and someone faints, or has a seizure, or something worse. It pushes our buttons. Silently, we are thinking, “What if that could happen to me? What is wrong with her? I would just die if that happened.” It makes us deeply uncomfortable. And yet, there are people who can get past their own discomfort and move in close to extend gifts of kindness, compassion and empathy.

Here’s the take away: Do you need to ask for help in your marriage, your sex life or even just for you? Are you waiting too long, thinking that you can hold out just a bit longer and not draw uncomfortable attention to yourself? Do you need to be asking right now, so that you greatly decrease your odds of ending up on the floor?

Secondly, are you the type of person who comes close to others in times of discomfort, in times of pain, in times of embarrassment?  Are you willing to link arms with that person and say, “Let’s do this together.” Are you prepared, as one person did, to share stories of times when you have been in similar situations?

Here’s what fainting taught me: I need to learn to ask for help faster, but I also need people around me who are comfortable with discomfort.

And I need to be that person to others.

My daughter is wholly on board with the new toy too. Every morning, she says to me, “Can I have a smoothie for lunch?” Of course I say yes, because it gives me another opportunity to indulge in my addiction. That, and the fact that she now – very happily – skips off to school to eat a staggering conglomeration of fruits and veggies without a whimper of protest. The amount of spinach that child has consumed is nothing short of a miracle.

But here is what my Vitamix has taught me. One of my passions, one of my “causes” in life is healthy living. This stems back to the fact that I became a cancer orphan at 21, my aunt is a breast-cancer survivor, my sister has had pre-cancerous cells and my daughter was diagnosed with Severe Chronic Neutropenia at 13 months. Pretty grim.

However, I have also realized that my cause stems from a deep desire to love my family. As Bell Hooks says, “To begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone using the word in this manner automatically assumes accountability and responsibility.”

I crazy love my family. I truly believe my husband to be the most amazing man and my daughter to be the most fascinating girl on the face of the planet. But loving them entails taking care of myself. When I choose to put down the candy bar and replace it with an apple, it is not because I am trying to look like Jennifer Garner (although she is gorgeous and there are days when I would really like to look like her), but it is because what I put in my body is my act of love for Eric and Riley. It extends far beyond speaking love and becomes doing love.

It says, “I choose to do all I can do to make it to your wedding and to the birth of your children.” It says, “I choose to sacrifice that candy bar so that I have more energy for you.” It says, “I choose to eat well so that my brain functions better…and I am thereby more patient, kind and compassionate with you.” It says, “Even though I would really like to go on a binge, I choose you instead.”

Some days, I do better than others. But that’s ok. Because it not about expecting perfection of myself, it is about choosing the journey.

My parents were trained in drinking by the Canadian Forces during WW2 when service men and women had their pleasures subsidized by the government. I am reminded of this each and every November 11^th and sometimes I stop to tell the “poppy people” why I am not buying their red and black lapel flowers while I stride righteously into the liquor store.

Over the years I have had lots of addicts of various sorts in my practice. I prefer to call them “obsessive fiddlers with states of being” – it sounds less prejudicial than “addicts” though that is what some of them are. These fine folk and friends have been compulsed by all sorts of obsessions: being happy, being right, being perfect, being taken care of, being in love, being admired, and the list goes on. (Perhaps making lists is a compulsion too?) And then they act these ideas out with predictable behaviours: drinking and drugging are common but so is arguing and defending and mean-spirited criticism. I especially dislike it when addicts pretend the moral high ground (e.g. “You are a bad person and I am busy being good or right,” or “I wouldn’t drink if you didn’t criticize me so much.”).

I often hear of sexual addictions as well. These are usually requests for affirmation and attention where the behaviours involve a moving computer image and a few square inches of genital flesh. What these folk want most often is some ordinary passion and some affection directed in their way. At least that is what heals them (mostly men) more than “Just Say No” mouse pads.

Now… I think that there are factors that may increase risk of some kind of addiction. Here are a few for you to consider and I am thinking especially of online compulsions:

♦  Fear of relationships can lead to online compulsions. I mean real relationships not surface social contacts. And a consequential lack of other interests and social isolation – this can lead to compulsive behaviour.
♦  Pre-existing abuse or addiction can easily transfer: for example, online gambling or gaming, cybersex, or online shopping.
♦  Social anxiety or nervousness can make online interactions a very attractive alternative to face-to-face interaction and thus much more compelling.
♦  Low self-esteem, poor body image, or untreated sexual dysfunction can add to obsessions and compulsions.

What fixes this more than anything else is a little reality and a little thoughtfulness. Person-to-person honesty and care, also called empathy, works well. I have found that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is really good in breaking the power of addictions and compulsions. I recommend people buy “Mind Over Mood: Change How You feel by Changing the Way You Think” by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky. It is best to work this through with a therapist and I have a copy in my office so that if you choose we can work through the harder parts together.

Dr. Paddy Ducklow is a Psychologist in Private Practice, Professor of Family Ministries at Carey Theological College at University of British Columbia, and Pastor Emeritus at CapChurch in North Vancouver. His website and blog is The Ducklows.

Blog reprinted with permission.

I suppose I am especially sensitive to the issue because Eric has devoted his life to non-profit work. He has always, for as long as we have been together, poured his soul into helping those less fortunate than the rest of us. I get a blow-by-blow of what happens in his world each and every evening, and this insight serves to drastically lower my tolerance for those who cannot appreciate the wealth they have been given in life.

Unfortunately, all of us fall prey to this insidious culture. Just the other day, after two hours of fun mother/daughter shopping for Easter supplies, Riley pouted in the back seat of the car because she wasn’t able to find exactly what she wanted. Let’s be clear, she didn’t come home empty-handed by any means, but that perfect item had remained elusive. I was seriously ticked off. As I contemplated my response, I ran through every scenario from grabbing her bunny ears off her head and throwing them out the window of the car to throwing all her toys into a trash bag and donating them to The Salvation Army to losing my temper and yelling at her to be grateful for what she has.

Thankfully, I didn’t do any of those things. And the reason why I didn’t was because, just that afternoon, I had watched Shawn Achor speak about real happiness…and real happiness entails cultivating a culture of gratefulness. So, instead of throwing a fit or striping Riley’s bedroom, I decided that the Frans family is going to do an Experiment in Gratitude. Following on Achor’s suggestions, each night we are each going to share three things for which we are grateful. Instead of bitching about lack of gratitude, we are going to start practicing it…together…because we can all use a dose of real happiness in our lives.

I highly recommend that you watch this video from Achor. Not only will you laugh your bunny tail off, but you might just find the keys to beginning an Experiment in Gratitude for your home as well.

Over the years, we have cultivated the skill to manage the passion without snuffing it out and yet sustaining as little damage as possible. I write this post on our 14^th anniversary – we are pretty sure that everyone who wagered bets against us has lost by now – and I decided to share some of the ways we make it work. As I reflect on the years, there are five commitments that Eric and I make that weave strength into our marriage.

1)   We are deeply committed to each other. We have an unusual relationship because we are both public figures, out speaking to churches – but we do so as individuals and on different topics. On one hand, my husband, the Director of Philanthropy for World Relief Canada, tackles the complexities of international poverty, hunger, and education. On the other hand, I speak and preach at churches on the issues of sexual intimacy. Traditionally, the material that I handle is covered by a) a man or b) a couple, so Eric and I are keenly aware that what I do is counter-culture. Could Eric join me? Of course. He is an extremely gifted speaker and thoroughly knowledgeable about marriage. But his calling is different than mine. His work passions lie elsewhere. And I am deeply committed to seeing him grow and flourish in the area to which he is called. But he feels the same way about me. He is actively supportive of my business – from handling the website, to listening to my talking points as I write, to lending a critical eye to my forth-coming book. Truth be told, we love that we are different. We love that we are called to different areas of ministry. We laud each other’s passions and are each other’s biggest fans. We have a deep, abiding respect for the individuality that we bring to our marriage.

2)   We are deeply committed to our marriage. Marriage is not just a combination of two individuals. It is greater than the sum of its parts. It is its own entity. It lives or dies, it communicates to the world, and it can use its powers for good or for evil awesome. Just as Eric and I are deeply rooted in our understanding of ourselves as individuals, we also recognize that our marriage needs nurturing in order to remain strong. If we are not consciously investing in activities that strengthen our marriage, it will become at risk. We therefore jealously guard our date night, we practice what I preach on sexual intimacy, and we understand that we have a calling as a couple to impact the lives of people around us. Because we are people of faith, we believe that God is in the center of our lives, having a relationship with each of us but also having a relationship with our marriage. We build into each other and into our marriage. Here is a (rather crudely drawn) diagram to illustrate this:

3)   We are deeply committed to accountability. We have a circle of people who will speak into our lives and that of our marriage. Not too long ago, a friend sat with me over coffee and asked some very pointed questions. Let me tell you, vulnerability is never easy, but it is crucial. When I asked her what had given her such courage to probe (our relationship is fairly new), she told me that she had just seen another marriage fall apart while she remained quiet. “I decided that I would never be silent again.” This was extremely convicting to me because I have remained silent at times too – fearful that I would be “interfering”. We all need friends who have the courage to speak boldly into our lives, listen with empathy when we open up about our fears, doubts, hesitations and annoyances, and then guide us to greater intimacy with our spouses.

4)   We are deeply committed to authenticity. We have decided that our marriage is not about looking good. No one can weather years of marriage flawlessly. It just doesn’t happen. But when we pretend that everything is fabulous all of the time, it simply serves to make everyone else around us feel inadequate – because they have ups and downs too. Eric and I do have a great marriage, but it is because we have fought hard for it. There have been plenty of times when we didn’t like each other, we hurt each other, we failed to trust each other and we deeply offended each other. I will, no doubt, piss Eric off in the very near future and he will do the same. But that’s ok because marriage is not always a picnic. Very often, the good stuff is on the other side of the hard stuff because you don’t learn the lessons, work on your character, and become the person you need to be without the hard stuff acting as a catalyst to get you there. Inviting people on this journey with us gives us the space to be real and enables others to be real with us.

5)   We are deeply committed to growth. It never ceases to amaze me that people will skip off to a professional development seminar at work, but never carve out the same time for their marriage. Eric and I went on our first marriage retreat a mere four months after we tied the knot. This is not because we were already regretting our decision, but because we were keenly aware that if we did not continue to grow, we would die. This pattern has continued throughout our marriage. In February, we spoke at the Good to Great conference. Because we were taking the sexual intimacy segment, we were the last to present (you have to build up to sex). As we sat and listened to the other three speaker couples, we learned and gleaned new insight.

I am grateful for the 14 years I have had with Eric. He truly is the love of my life, the husband of my youth. I would not be the woman I am today without him. He saw things in me before I ever recognized them in myself. He has called forth greatness in me. Our adventures in passion continue, but they would have exploded into flames years ago if we hadn’t built those five commitments into our foundation.

So in the spirit of “better late than never”, here is the video and the link to her site. (No, I didn’t figure out how to do it, but I finally asked for help.)

Here is the link to her site: Christine Lingerie

I have been facing down other giants as well. In the past 6 months, I have been invited to preach at numerous churches. Now, I have taught in churches for years but moving into the pulpit has been a transformative experience. You see, I grew up in a home wherein women were not to preach. They could teach in Sunday school and to women’s groups, but getting in front of a congregation and delivering a message was a no-no. So, when I was first asked to do a Sunday morning service, my jaw hit the ground. I really struggled internally with the question of whether I could justify it Biblically.

I am also realizing how critically important the concept of “shame” is to the work that I do. I have been researching the work of Dr. Brene Brown and implementing it in my coaching and teaching and the response has been overwhelmingly positive. You see, for all the strategies and practices that I teach, I have come to the conclusion that if people do not deal with the shame that they feel around the issues of sex, they will forever be anchored to their dysfunction.  All the “how-to’s” in the world will not interrupt the cycles of hurt and pain if people can not take an honest look at their own shame.

Finally, I have concluded that I am not a good juggler. I really struggle to coach, write, handle techy stuff, teach, and be a good wife and mother all at the same time. I am a linear, one-task-at-a-time type of girl, trying desperately to be a proficient multi-tasker. As such, this blog has suffered.

So here is what I have decided. I am not going to do teaching on my blog. If you want to hear my stuff, come out to one of my courses or bring me in to speak to your people. (Evidently, I now preach too.) If you want to read my blog, then be prepared for my musings on life, the universe and everything. Yes, I am sure they will intersect with issues pertaining to sexual intimacy because that is the world in which I dwell about 60 hours a week. But I also believe that authenticity and transparency are important and necessary as we all take this journey in life. It is my goal, therefore, to have more of that – to have more “Ferf” (my nickname) in my blog and less “Eryn-Faye”. Both are important, but they serve different purposes. Enjoy!

Joan Chang, a 27-year-old associate producer at CBC Radio who has been married for four years, has an appearance deal with her spouse. “He will not grow facial hair. And I will not cut my hair really short. Or wear a hat. He doesn’t like hats on ladies at all,” she says with a laugh.

Read the whole article on the Globe and Mail website.

What do you think?

According to Alec Baldwin, Rep. Anthony Weiner is, well, representing the modern human being.

He calls him the “modern, high functioning man.”

Is this what you think the modern man or woman is?

Read the article here and tell me what you think.

• Communication, self-esteem and understanding each other’s emotions make for great sex
• Men want to engage in activities which bring pleasure to women.
• When men are in tune with their partner’s emotions, women are more open to exploration.

You can read the entire article here.

What makes your sex life great?

After watching the animals for a number of days, Bateson dangled a piece of paper on string into their habitat. Before long, an otter came over to the string and began to bat at it. Very soon after, another otter joined in and then both otters started to play with each other. Even when Bateson removed the paper on the string, the otters continued to play.

How did two otters – creatures that are playful by nature – stop playing? Simply put, they got bored.

It is very easy for couples to get bored and, by extension, stop playing with each other when they have been married for years.

I was recently chatting with a client, and she mentioned that her husband liked to pull out a stuffed animal, put on an alter-ego voice, and make silly comments. She didn’t have a clue how to respond. Naturally a very serious person, this activity seemed very confusing to her. When I suggested that she make a silly comment in return – something fun and playful – it made her stop and think because it had been so long since she had been playful in their marriage.

Are you playful together? Believe it or not, this can be one of the most effective tools to making your relationship last. If you are having a lot of fun together, it makes it much harder to split up.

What are you doing to be playful with your spouse? Do you need to introduce something new into your environment to remind the two of you how to play again? What will that something new be? (as a suggestion: you might want to try something different than a just piece of paper on a string!) How can you make your spouse laugh this week? Can you surprise your spouse with something that will completely delight him or her?

As you think about those questions, let me leave you with a video of two otters, taking a nap at the Vancouver Aquarium. They are holding hands so that they will not float apart.

Remember: Playfulness not only combats boredom, but it also engenders intimacy.

Later, when Riley and I were talking about it, she began to tear up.

“Are you saying that I made a bad grade?” she asked as her lower lip quivered.

I hesitated for a beat and then said, “Yes, Baby Girl, you made a bad grade.”

A lot of parents would be horrified with me. I can hear them saying, “What?! You don’t use the term bad when talking to a child!” I could hear them complain that I was going to scar my child or permanently damage her self esteem.

In our society today, we have become so concerned with the emotions of our children that we will lie, cheat and steal to keep them from feeling badly. The theory goes that if we can organize a world where they feel safe and secure and loved and comfortable all the time, then surely they will become confident adults.

The problem with this approach is that it simply doesn’t work. An obese child who is told that she is fine just the way she is will still grow up with be an adult with chronic health problems. A child whose bullying behaviour is overlooked because he is having problems at home that are not his fault will not learn how to care for those around him. A child who thinks that a failed grade is actually good will never learn how to succeed.

And so I let my daughter feel the full weight of failure.

And then I gave her the tools to succeed.

“You see, Riley, a bad grade tells us two things: 1) You don’t understand the material and/or 2) You did not practice enough before the test. However, both of these things are fixable. We can make sure you learn the material and give you lots of practice so that when you will not make this grade again.”

The rest of the weekend, we worked hard. It was obvious that Riley was missing the foundational pieces to the concepts and so we made sure she got them. Then we built on the foundation until she was grasping math which was much more difficult than the concepts on the test.

She got it. She grew confident. She asked to practice so she could show us what she had learned. And she learned how to turn failure into success, a life lesson that is exponentially more important than a math grade.

Many of the couples I meet struggle even admitting that there is failure in their relationship. They dance around the subject, trying to project an image that is perfect. They hope that I don’t ask any questions that might poke that delicate exterior and expose it for what it truly is.

But, just like Riley, if we do not take an honest appraisal of our work and if we do not acknowledge places where we fail, we will never be able to move past failure to success. Admitting you have a problem, as they say in Alcoholics Anonymous, is the first step to a new life. The brilliance of taking this first step is that you can make changes, fix the problems and move to a place of health and true happiness.

What do you have in your relationship that is not working?   What is failing?

Once you have taken an inventory, begin to make changes. Need some help? You can book your coaching session with me today.

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Some questions are light-hearted such “what is your partner’s favourite food”, but most probe what people think their partner’s future plans and aspirations are.

If you are already married, use this as a conversation starter and see how well you know your spouse!

Let me know how it goes!!

As a coach, one of the common complaints that I hear is that the woman wants to “make love” and feels that her husband just wants to have “a quickie”. The former evokes images of a couple looking into each other’s eyes and kissing deeply while the latter conjures up the picture of getting pinned against the wall and being taken right then and there. Both can be deeply passionate, just different forms of expressing the passion.

Sometimes, sex will be a deep, soul-connecting intimacy with our spouse. Other times, it will just be a way to experience pleasure together quickly. Sometimes it will be a two-hour experience; sometimes it won’t last ten minutes. Sometimes it will be long and luxurious; other times it will be fast and frantic. Sometimes both spouses will walk away having experienced orgasm; other times the focus is on one person alone.

Difficulty arises, however, when couples fall into a rut of believing that it has to be one or the other… all the time. I have seen husbands refuse to acknowledge the need to make love and I have met wives who insist that each and every sexual encounter must be “making love”. A dogmatic adherence to one or the other undermines true intimacy. A steady diet of quickies denies the concepts of exploration, creativity, and deep communication because, amongst other reasons, there is simply no time to venture into those areas. On the other hand, if couples only have sex when they have time to make love, they might never get to it out of sheer busyness!

Both types of sex build intimacy if they are done in balance. Sometimes you need a gourmet meal; sometimes you need a snack.

Which one do you need to work into your sex life to regain balance?

Women who have unprotected sex were less likely to experience depression because semen itself acts as a natural anti-depressant.

In the midst of the controversy, the authors of the 2002 study to which he was referring have come out in support of his comments. Defending the original study, as well as the research that they have conducted since then, they said,

“There is growing evidence that human semen has the potential to produce profound effects on women.  We have replicated the effects showing female college students having sex without condoms are less depressed as measured by objective scores on the Beck Depression Inventory.  We’ve also examined the data as a function of whether the students were using hormonal contraceptives, whether they were in committed relationships, and how long these relationships have lasted.  The anti-depressant properties of semen exposure do not vary as function of any of these conditions.  It is not a question of whether females are sexually active, since students having sex with condoms show the same level of depression as those who are not having sex at all.  We have also received numerous semen testimonials from other women who attest to the anti-depressant effects of semen exposure and these accounts often include the use of control trials (i.e., comparisons generated by switching from condoms to unprotected sex, or vice a versa).”

Check out the full article here,  and tell me what you think. Should the doctor been asked to resign?

When it comes to my own profession, I also realize the prudence in speaking openly about sexual questions that come up. A few have with Riley…although not as many as I was expecting by this age. When she does broach the subject, I ask for clarity on what it is she is trying to learn and why, so that I can answer the question simply and truthfully but not answer too much. (There’s the old joke of the Dad who went into a lengthy explanation about sex to his child who asked “what’s sex”, only to find out that the child had been told by his mother that “dinner would be ready in a few “secs”.) I try to balance healthy candor about the subject of sexuality with the fact that we hold pretty conservative values as a family.

So, I was horrified to learn that Abercrombie & Fitch has just marketed a bikini for 7-year-old girls with a PUSH UP TOP.

Really????  Seriously!?!  Are you kidding me!!???

We are facing an epidemic of little girls growing up believing that their bodies are inadequate because of the ridiculous amount of media pressure to be a perpetual size 0, and yet they want to send a message to our 7-year-olds that their pre-pubescent chests are inadequate? It’s ludicrous.

But, as CNN’s LZ Granderson points out, companies such as Abercrombie & Fitch would not sell such items if there were not parents who buy them. Companies have increasingly pushed the boundaries on what is and what is not appropriate for teens and children for years, and have been allowed a ridiculous amount of latitude from parents. As parents, it is our duty to make sure that our children wear items that reflect a healthy amount of self-respect rather than just what is the latest fashion. As Granderson says,

I don’t care how popular Lil’ Wayne is, my son knows I would break both of his legs long before I would allow him to walk out of the house with his pants falling off his butt. Such a stance doesn’t always makes me popular — and the house does get tense from time to time — but I’m his father, not his friend.

Thank you, LZ for making the point that is so often lost on my peers. We did not give birth to children so that we could have life-long buddies. When we chose to produce off-spring, we were making a decision to train these little beings how to love themselves and how love others. Decisions that fall within these parameters do not necessarily make us popular with our children, but they do make us good parents.

Because of my job, I get asked all the time how to talk to kids about sex.  There are lots of opinions on that subject – when to start, how much to share, what’s age appropriate information.  But I don’t even have to broach any of those points to get to the basic premise here: Talking to your kids about sex includes how you let them dress – or how you choose to dress them.

That’s my take-away for this blog post.  But in the interest of fairness, I should say that Abercrombie & Fitch have agreed to remove the term “push up” from the title in favour of the less incendiary “striped triangle”, but have continued selling the padded bikinis.

What are you thoughts?

This is a fabulous article exploring the levels of expectation that we have about our relationships based on what we perceive to be “normal” in the media. Thank you, Desiree, for sending this one to me!

www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/features/25275-distorting-love

What are your thoughts??

Being a Parent vs Being a Spouse

And remember these 4 tips:

1. Your marriage is one of the most important relationships in your life.
2. Children need to see you two as a couple who will, at times, need to make that relationship top priority.
3. Limit your child’s extracurricular activities to one or two special ones. Let them understand that they need to choose. You’ll be surprised how having less “running around” will limit exhaustion and free up some much needed time for you.
4. If you have children from a previous marriage, include your new spouse in the time you spend with them. It will alleviate tension and resentment.

The team tackles issues such as gestures, phraseology, eye movements, expression, emphasis, content, lighting, makeup, and wardrobe. Yesterday was a particularly spectacular day because I wore a sweater that blended into the background and made me appear as though I had no arms.  Seriously, every person watching the video laughed out loud, pointed and said, “you have no arms!!” or “wardrobe malfunction!!”

It sucks.

I am deriving very little pleasure from this process.

All my insecurities and perfectionist tendencies are coming to the surface.

I want to run and hide every time the team meets.

I cringe every time a new video starts.

And yet, I am keenly aware that if I want to accomplish some of my goals for 2011 this is exactly the type of training that I need. I will only develop this skill set by completing my assignment each and every day and then learning how I can improve – not just through my own eyes, but from the perspectives of others too. It helps that when I look up from my computer to the list of goals that hangs on the wall across from me, I am able to remember the reasons why I must press on despite the fact that I am miles outside of my comfort zone.

But it still sucks.

As I ponder what I am doing, it occurs to me that it is not unlike one of the principles that I teach my coaching clients.

If you are going to become a better lover, you must practice. I don’t just mean have sex more often; I mean have times in which you consciously lower your expectations of each other. I find that we put enormous expectations on our sexual relationships. They have to be good, all the time. There is very little room for “practice sex”.

In practice sex, the two of you decide that you want to get more skilled in a particular area. Perhaps she has never had multiple orgasms before, and you want to see what it takes to get her there. Perhaps he would like oral sex as part of your foreplay, and you are completely intimidated by this concept.

Set aside time when the two of you agree that you are going to practice. By agreeing ahead of time, you ease the pressure of performance. Then, allow for mistakes (and possibly even mediocre sex) during this time.  Remember that it’s okay to not be great when you are practicing!!  The goal is learning how to become better!!

Just as I am learning as I shoot these videos, couples need to remember that in order to get really good at sex, you have to go through the awkward learning stage. So be patient with each other and enjoy it as much as possible!

I am now going to take my own advice and set up the video camera.

PS – My goal is to start rolling out “Vlogs” soon. Hopefully, I will have arms in them.

www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41578721/ns/health-kids_and_parenting/

Some of their tips include:

• Spread out the conversations
• Use anatomically correct terms
• Don’t lie
• Don’t assume
• Don’t judge
• Pass it on

Have you talked to your kids about sex?  How did you do it?

The Calgary Herald carried this story.

By the way, where did you learn about sex?  Parents? Friends? Movies? Books? By doing?

My city did not make the cut, but since sales of Michael Bublé CDs is one of the criteria, we may never make the rankings…

If you had to come up with the criteria what would it be?  Do you think your city is one of the most romantic?  Tell me why!

10 Simple Steps to the Perfect Valentine’s Date written by the incredible Marc Smith of Amuse Consulting.

Here’s to you and your lover having the best Valentine’s Day EVER!!!

Jillian Michaels entered our lives on January 3, 2011. Prior to that, I had been going swimming every morning.  But I am self-aware enough to realize that when winter arrived, the thought of having to dig my car out of the snow before driving to the pool at 6am was going to be a big enough disincentive to make me roll over and go back to sleep. I needed something that I could do in the warmth of my own home.

So, it came down to Jillian Michaels or a treadmill. She was cheaper and tells me what an amazing job I am doing, so she won. So now, Eric and I begin our morning by working out together. Not only are we encouraging each other in our pursuit for health and fitness, but evidently we are also making our sex life better.

Did you know that swimmers in their 60’s have the sex lives of people decades younger than them? Did you know that men and women who exercise 2-3 times a week rate their sex life as “above average”? Or that women have an easier time coming to orgasm and men lower their chances of impotence if they are exercising on a regular basis?

In short, the more consistently you exercise, the better your sex life will be.

Study after study has concluded that exercise has a both a physical and psychological impact. Here are some of the sexual side-effects of working out:

• Increased blood flow. The science of arousal is all about blood flow. When you feel that tingling sensation in your genitals, that is blood engorging your tissues and heightening their sense of arousal. Since exercise increases circulation, arousal will be easier to come by when you are engaging in sex.
• Increased body satisfaction. A study in 2000 found that when you are exercising regularly, you have higher self-confidence and self-image. So, no matter where you are in your weight-loss goals for the New Year, if you are exercising consistently, you are going to feel better about your body. And that has a profound impact on how you respond when your spouse wants to take your clothes off.
• Increased strength, cardio-fitness and flexibility. Not only will these side-effects of exercise make your current sex life more comfortable, but if you would like to try a new position or extend the length of your love-making, all of these factors come into play. The more fit you are, the more adventurous you can be.
• Lower stress. Stress is one of the huge impediments to having a thriving sex life. Since the endorphins released during exercise drive down the stress hormone cortisol, you are more likely to say “yes” to sex. (Incidentally, the hormones released during orgasm drive down cortisol even further.)

So now you have even more reasons to get out of bed when that horribly annoying alarm clock goes off at the same time every morning abruptly waking you up from the most amazing dream while you lie cocooned in the world’s warmest comforter.  Notice I didn’t say it made the exercising any more pleasant, only that the benefits are worth the effort!!

How about you?  What kind of exercise do you do?  Has it made a difference in your sex life?

I have to admit that this baffled me greatly, for if you know anything about the concept of Love Languages, gift giving is on the bottom of my list. I am much more likely to show you that I really like you by demonstrating all the other Love Languages before you get a present or card from me. It just isn’t a big thing.

So when Riley began giving away gifts that she herself had been given for Christmas and her birthday, Eric and I had to have a serious conversion. Were we going to allow this behaviour to continue? How important was cultivating this instinct in our daughter to us? Was encouraging a spirit of generosity and demonstration of love for her friends more important that the money we (and others) had poured into stuff for our kid over the years?

We decided on a compromise. First, we laid ground rules on which items could be given away. For instance, she was not allowed to give away “sentimental” gifts such as presents that her grandparents had lovingly picked out for her. Secondly, we encouraged her to make gifts for her friends. After deciding on this framework, Riley’s friends (or their moms) often left with a stuffed animal wrapped in hand-made wrapping paper and card. It worked.

Just last week, as she headed off to her Mandarin lessons, she decided that she needed to give her teacher a New Year’s gift. So, working with what she had available because class was starting in 20 minutes, she put together a baggie of chocolates and then put a sprig of our (very dead) Christmas tree in the knot of the baggie.

It looked, well, horrid.

I have to be honest, the Southern girl in me used to cringe when she would give gifts that looked like this. You see, I was brought up that if the gift was not presented perfectly, then it should not be given until you can make it look better. If it is worth doing, it is worth doing well – right?

But that misses the heart of giving. Stopping Riley and telling her that her gift didn’t look good enough would totally crush her and undermine the spirit of what she was trying to do.

And so, slowly and painfully, I have learned over the years not to spend too much time and energy worrying about the recipient’s reaction to Riley’s hodge-podge style of giving. In this most recent example, Riley made a gift comprised of candies that she had been given during the holiday season, decorated it and gave it to her teacher with much love. Who cares if the teacher was bothered by the dead tree attached to it?! Who cares if she is deep into her New Year’s resolution to lose weight and chocolate is the last thing she wants right now?!

As I was thinking more about this, it dawned on me that by the time Riley reaches adulthood, she is going to be a Gift-giver Supreme because she has had so many years of practice. Years in which she could give gifts that look, well, horrid and it was ok because she was learning to give. Since she is given the freedom to express her love, she will get better and better at the presentation as the years go on. And truth be told, she is already miles ahead on her presentation skills from several years ago.

It might be easy to read this post and think, “Well of course, she is six!”

But do you have this much patience for your spouse? When they are trying to acquire new skills in your relationship – new skills which will ultimately make your relationship better – do you allow them to express themselves as adequately as they can or do you get frustrated because it doesn’t look right…or isn’t presented the way you would do it…or isn’t wrapped perfectly?

I find that far too often couples get impatient when asking their partner for change. They will:

1. Wait until they are nearly exploding from frustration over an issue.
2. Ask their partner for change (read: demand change).
3. Expect immediate perfection (and note that “perfection” is usually defined as the way they want things done) when the partner makes the attempt to change.

This is crazy. Any skill set takes a while to learn but no one wants to learn when they are being criticized every step of the way. So give each other space and time to grow. Allow your spouse to try, even if it is awkwardly, and don’t allow yourself to listen to those inner thoughts that say, “It isn’t good enough.” Rejoice in the child-like steps that your spouse will take in his/her attempt to make the changes you have requested.  Because you know what “good enough” looks like to you – but they don’t – and your partner probably has to work hard to achieve your expectation of “good enough”.   And that kind of work takes time, patience and encouragement – from both sides!

So while they work on changing something, you can spend your time and effort creating an environment that encourages and rewards the effort – not just the perfection!

The trip was made possible by my aunt and uncle. When they asked what they could buy Riley for Christmas, I thought and thought and thought. She doesn’t need stuff. She is like many North American kids…she has everything she needs and then some. As such, Eric and I have been gravitating to the concept of investing in memories rather than things. Don’t get me wrong, this is not necessarily the cheapest option. Sometimes memories cost more than the hottest toy – take that Disney pass for example. But unlike the hottest toy that will be outgrown and tossed out in time, the memories will forge greater relationships in the moment and then last over the years.

As this was about memories, we took a million pictures at Disneyland. My favourite one is Riley, exhausted from the first 12-hour day, in bed in her pajamas with her dinner on her lap. She almost fell asleep as she ate her quesadilla! She was so happy and so tired!

When our friend Louise came to visit for the holiday season, she built upon this memory-building gift giving idea. Her gift to Riley (and our family by extension) was tickets to a performance of the National Ballet’s rendition of The Nutcracker. For a little girl who has been taking ballet for three years, this was a magical moment. She even wore her pink ballet outfit to the performance and got to meet some of the ballerinas.

But since Riley is a bit too young to fully grasp the concept of “memory building = Christmas gifts”, we realized that we would need to wrap some things up that represented our time together. We figured a basically empty tree and an admonition, “But remember your gift happened weeks ago” would not cut it. So we framed a huge collage of Riley’s time in Disneyland as well as the signed poster that she got at the ballet. On Christmas morning, as she tore off the wrapping paper, she squealed and relived the memories as she poured over each photo. Now those frames hang in her room, representing the gifts that she was given this year.

I realize that I am too late to give you advice on gift giving this past holiday season. But here is a suggestion for the rest of the year – Valentine’s Day, birthdays, your anniversary. Take the amount that you would have spent on a traditional gift for your lover and invest that money into a “memory date” instead. Here are some ideas:

• A Starbucks (or other favourite coffee/tea house) card charged with enough money for 5 coffee dates together. Make the stipulation that you can only use the card together so that s/he doesn’t use it all up on the way to work each morning.
• Tickets to an event that means something to you as a couple (or at least the person who is receiving the gift – part of this gift is participating in their interests!). Perhaps it is a concert, theatre presentation, movie tickets or even a Monster Truck Rally!
• A gift card to your favourite restaurant so that you can escape together when life gets crazy and stressful.
• A weekend get-away package set for sometime when you can get good deals. Book the travel and accommodations and then plan some activities so that you can present the overall concept as your gift.
• Gift certificates from your favourite babysitter so that your spouse can cash them in when s/he decides that the two of you need to get out for an evening. (If you think that handing your babysitter a wad of cash in return for a promise of service is an unwise idea, then have the necessary amount for 2-3 nights out tucked inside an envelope that is only used for this purpose.)
• Coupons for a walk together at the local park, a boat ride, a time tobogganing, a trip to the local art gallery, a walk in the downtown part of your city, a ride on a train, time to volunteer together at a local soup kitchen, a trip to a local tourist spot, cups of hot chocolate delivered to bed complete with whipped cream on top, and so forth.

Here is my final suggestion: if it is decent to do so (because you can most certainly spice up the suggestions I have given above), take a camera with you during your “memory date” so that you can preserve your time together. Because while the primary investment you are making is time – the return on that investment are life-long memories.

“I used weight-gain to make myself less desirable.”

Having sex caused so much pain because it reminded her of her failure to conceive, and so she began to – very physically – insulate herself from both this pain and her husband. This brutally honest statement flies in the face of our cultural assumption that people who struggle with weight issues should just learn to “eat better” and the following article addresses this matter.

The original article can be found here.

Please note that I am not advocating this organization or their weight loss program, but their analysis of the psychological motivations of weight gain deserve thought and reflection.  Feel free to share yours here.  Feed back is always appreciated.