There are a dozen things I could share with you about my Olympic experience that you can apply to your sex life. The aerials alone should make you stop and pause. But here is the thing that struck me the most profoundly: the efficiency.

Everywhere we went, Olympic committee had thought ahead and anticipated the questions that people would ask and the things they would need. Trying to get to the flame? People were stationed in life-guard towers at every corner giving directions so that the crowds moved along quickly and without confusion. Not sure how this long line translates into actual waiting minutes? There was someone there to tell you. Turns out that line that looks like half an hour long is only ten minutes. Who knew!? Got someone trying to budge in line and pretending they are just lost? A security person would magically appear and graciously point them to the end of the line.

In essence, they had simplified the process. Considering the glut of people who had descended on the city and the chaos that could have ensued, people where happy and cheerful because (even when they were squashed like sardines on the Skytrain) their needs had been anticipated and met.

Often in long term relationships, we allow the swell of the details in our life to derail our intimacy with our lovers. In the clutter and chaos, our time together dissolves into two tired people zoning out to a TV show. But what if we could anticipate our spouse’s needs and then streamline our life so they are better met? Sex doesn’t just magically happen once you have been married for a few years. You have to clear things out of the way for it to happen.

What do you need to simplify in your life so that sex is more possible? What do you need to eliminate, delegate or ask for help on so that it can happen? What needs does your spouse have that you need to anticipate and meet? What systems are you going to put in place to make that possible?

Sitting with a bull-horn on a life-guard stand is probably not the solution, but you get the idea!  Share some of your ideas!

In my last guest post, I explained the brain chemistry behind romance and committed love. You can read it here. Now. Let’s talk about how you can use this knowledge to add sparkle to your relationship.

Here’s the recipe:

2 parts novelty (dopamine)

1 part danger (adrenaline)

1 part sensuality (oxytocin)

Shake it up really well, and then enjoy it together.

These are the three ingredients you need for your love chemical cocktail:

Novel sensory stimuli: I know, you’ve been told before to light scented candles and take a bubble bath together. Actually, this is a recipe for boring sex. One thing that attracts man and woman is otherness, so when you envelop him in feminine scents, he loses his focus on you as the Other, while he may seem less manly to you. Besides, that bubble bath may relax you but it will knock him out. Instead, go for a stimulating stew of unfamiliar sights, sounds, smells and tastes that will stimulate dopamine. Hit an ethnic enclave to enjoy a cuisine you’ve never tried, and then walk the streets or stop into a club. Spicy food is a plus, because the fire of the chili stimulates a bit of stress response. (Just don’t get indigestion, that will spoil the night.)

Danger: There’s a reason why people who’ve been through a disaster together often fall in love or become lifelong friends. Fear stimulates adrenaline, that potent liquor of romance. In addition, men’s desire to bond seems to be somewhat dependent on vasopressin, a chemical like oxytocin that triggers protective behaviors. So, do something together that feels dangerous. You both need to really get outside your comfort zone. Fire-walk or go zip-lining. If you’re not the physically adventurous type, put yourself into social danger. Crash a party or take an improv class. Even if you don’t enjoy the actual experience, the jolt of adrenaline will jazz you both up.

Sensuality: You don’t need to reject the deep oxytocin connection you share. Instead, honor it. Nature designed our bodies to link sex and connection. Not only is oxytocin released at orgasm, it’s also responsible for engorgement. After you’re revved up and in the mood for pleasure, thanks to adrenaline and dopamine, it’s time to set off some sparks. I’m not talking about jumping into bed, I’m talking about a continuum of physical contact that moves from sensual to sexual. Remember how the anticipation of reward is so, well, rewarding? And how novel stimuli increase levels of dopamine? Set aside enough time to get to know each other physically in a new way and to let interest and excitement build. Promise each other an orgasm. You can begin talking about what you’d like to do or simply hold hands. Shoot for 65 percent anticipation and only 35 percent activation. As you move into more intimate gestures, this is not the time to fall back on your tried-and-true sexual practice. It is the time to try something kinky or just different, if you’ve always wanted to. But don’t feel pressure to be inventive, simply let excitement and enjoyment build in a way that feels right to both of you.

Hone your love mixology skills and enjoy the intoxication of love all over again!

Susan Kuchinskas is the author of The Chemistry of Connection: How the oxytocin response can help you find trust, intimacy and love. She blogs about love, trust and oxytocin at Hug the Monkey.

Email her at susan at chemistryofconnection dot com.

Wouldn’t it be great if there were a pill that could fire up you marriage? No, I am not talking about that little blue pill. I mean a drug that could bring back the passionate excitement you felt when you first met your mate.

Big Pharma doesn’t have anything like that in the works, but you can make your own passion-power drug at home, using that amazing chemical factory known as your brain. I’m not talking about alcohol, I’m talking about your body’s natural intoxicants, the brain chemicals that can bring you both to new heights of attraction and connection.

Before I explain how to become a brain-chemical barista, let’s talk about what’s happening in your brain when the chemistry between you and your mate goes from wow to whatever.

Those things we call feelings or emotions are the result of small changes in the chemicals flowing through our bloodstreams and circulating in our brains. The chemical composition can easily tilt as the result of outside stimuli, like a kind word or a bumped shin, and it can be shaped by our thoughts, as well.

After years of marriage, the neurochemical balance inevitably tilts toward an abundance of oxytocin, the chemical of nesting. Oxytocin is released in the brain in response at times when we’re near people we know and trust. It’s nicknamed the cuddle hormone because it seems to produce that calm, peaceful, connected feeling.

You could say that oxytocin is the chemical of committed love. Romantic passion, however, seems to be fueled by a combination of dopamine and adrenaline. Dopamine is the chemical of reward-seeking. Dopamine impels us to go after a reward, and at the same time, it tingles the brain’s pleasure centers. In fact, seeking a reward feels better than actually obtaining it. This was nature’s way of making sure we got off our butts each morning to climb that tree in search of more fruit.

Adrenaline, which is also part of the fight-or-flight response, gives us extra energy and puts all our senses on high alert. It gives that speedy, do-anything flavor to romance.

The oxytocin-based feeling of safety, comfort and connection in the home you’ve made together is one of the lovely things about marriage or cohabitation. But it’s not exciting; it’s not sexy. And humans have a powerful need for novelty and excitement. This is probably a leftover from the days when we ranged over the savannahs, hunting for food. You two don’t need to hunt for a mate, but you do need to get more adrenaline and dopamine into your relationship.

What’s the flavor of your domestic brew? Is it a bland milkshake or a cup of bitter tea? Shake it into a fun cocktail with a parasol in it or a top-shelf martini, even if you don’t drink. In part two, I’ll give you the recipe and instructions for your sexy love cocktail.

Susan Kuchinskas is the author of The Chemistry of Connection: How the oxytocin response can help you find trust, intimacy and love. She blogs about love, trust and oxytocin at Hug the Monkey.

Email her at susan at chemistryofconnection dot com.

Susan Kuchinskas is the author of The Chemistry of Connection: How the Oxytocin Response Can Help You Find Trust, Intimacy, and Love, combining cutting-edge research from neuroscience, psychology and biology to offer a full understanding of love — and how to get more of it.

Her radio and TV appearances include Mornings with Mike & Juliet, The View from the Bay, and Michael Roizen’s You the Owners Manual Radio Show.

She writes the blog Hug the Monkey, which is now recognized as one of the most authoritative sources for information on oxytocin on the web.

I know I left you with a bit of a cliff-hanger last week. But I wanted you to have some time to truly ponder the weight of what I was suggesting. Allow me to now fill in some of the blanks for you. The very elements of mystery - the unknown, the uncertain, the ill-defined - are the places in which eroticism flourishes. The self-help guru Anthony Robbins says that the amount of passion in your relationship is directly proportional to the amount of uncertainty you can tolerate. Most of us like to play it safe, so once the first blush of love has subsided, we experience very little eroticism.  Often we feel a bit like the folks in this comic my husband found me - written and drawn by Jeph Jacques.

Here are a few things that eroticism needs in order to survive in your relationship:

1. Eroticism needs separateness.

Never before in history has there been so much pressure on relationships as there is in North America today. My husband and I saw how deeply engrained our own cultural biases were when we lived in Kathmandu, Nepal. We quickly came to realize that marriages such as our own were termed “love marriages” and they were actually looked down upon! This was quite a shock to us until we learned the rationale behind the distain.

Many of the older generation had the foresight to realize that the young couple, acting on a rush of hormones and endorphins, would not have sufficient wisdom to make a life-long choice of a spouse. The older generation expected that love would grow over the years of participating together in the daily duties of life. Financial stability, genetic compatibility, the support of a wider community, etc. rather than love were the hallmarks of a good match.

Now, before we get too critical of the pitfalls of that culture, let’s take a look at our own. Today, we put tremendous pressure on our spouses. We expect romance, deep understanding of our wants and needs, spiritual alignment, friendship (indeed the closest of friendship), passion, and agreement in parenting styles. This list goes on and on. We have, in essence, taken the admonition that “the two will become one” and interpreted it as complete and total enmeshment. I personally believe that our divorce rates are a reflection of the fact that our marriages are buckling under the strain of these ludicrously high expectations.

And yet, if we are to experience the erotic in our relationships, we have to give room to the fact that our spouse is indeed a separate person, whose fantasies and sexual tastes and desires might be very different than our own. When we embrace this separateness and allow it room in our relationship, the erotic has space to breathe.

I recently had a client tell me a story about her husband. One day, while away on a business trip, he had confessed to her that he had a secret fetish. On the surface, this was completely outside of her paradigm, but she realized that it wasn’t anything which violated her core values in the marriage. So instead of feeling threatened and responding with ridicule (such as “That is so strange and I really don’t want to have anything to do with it.”), she embraced the concept that her husband was a separate person, unique in his tastes and proclivities, and she told him she would be delighted to explore this avenue with him. The irony was that when she acknowledged and affirmed his individuality within the context of their relationship, their intimacy flourished.

Why do many people push back from the concept of separateness in marriage? I believe it has a lot to do with fear. If I accept that you are a separate individual, you might ask me to do something that is outside my own personal comfort zone, you might not want me, or you might define yourself differently than I do. Which leads me to my second point.

2. Eroticism needs fresh eyes.

Many of the couples I meet take a tremendous amount of pride in the fact that they “know” each other. This is a wonderful sentiment when it creates warmth and fondness and a sense of shared history in the relationship.

It can backfire on us though. When we become so secure in our belief that we “know” our spouse, we can stop looking for different perspectives on them. We get locked into our point of view, and even worse, we think that our opinions of our spouse are the “right” ones. In essence, we get so used to seeing what is in front of us that we no longer look for it any more. Psychologists call this problem habituation. As we become acclimated to the new stimuli, we begin to take it for granted. This can be an incredibly dangerous to the relationship.

The only group in which the divorce rate is going up in right now is empty-nesters. Everyone else’s divorce rate is remaining stable or going down. Theirs is going up. Why? I believe it is because theses couples took each other for granted for years but the cracks in the foundation of their relationship didn’t come to light until the kids left home. After years of “knowing” each other, we wake up and realize we don’t know each other at all!

To combat habituation, we need to be on the lookout for fresh perspectives on our spouse. My dear friend Sarah has the pleasure (or burden, depending on how you look at it) of seeing her husband through the eyes of another almost every time they go out for dinner. Sherman is a very attractive and gregarious guy who manages, without doing anything inappropriate I must stress, to make the waitresses swoon when he enters the restaurant. Many wives I know would respond to this situation by getting jealous or annoyed. Instead, Sarah has deliberately chosen to use these times as reminders of how sexy her husband is to other women. By making this choice, she allows these experiences ensure that her perception of Sherman never stales.

Couples would be wise to heed Sarah’s learnings when they think of their own sex lives. Men in particular, often pigeon-hole their wives as disinterested in sex and less sexual in general than men. Shmuly Boteach, the “Love Rabbi”, puts a lot of the weight of responsibility for this principle on the shoulders of men. He asserts that women are much more deeply sexual than men. They have layers to their sexuality which can be peeled back and discovered.

Here is what he says:

“The Talmud, written two thousand years ago, goes so far as to say that a man of leisure, that is a man whose occupation does not involve strenuous exertion is obligated to make love to his wife every single night. And that’s because his wife wants it every night. The rabbis of the Talmud understood women to be much more sexual than men. And to the extent that today so many married women claim instead to have a headache is because their husbands are having such bad sex with them that they’ve killed off their libidos.”

That’s an incredibly different perspective that what we culturally believe. Women actually have a deeper sense of sexuality but their libidos have been killed off by bad sex!

When we actively seek new perspectives on our spouses, when we are constantly on the lookout for change and growth in them, when we refuse to be fearful or dismissive of the perspectives of others, our own eroticism grows.

3. Eroticism needs delayed gratification.

We are, without a doubt, a culture of instant gratification. It is ingrained even in our children. Numerous studies have been run over the years asking children to choose between getting the object of their desire immediately or waiting a bit and getting even more. In one study done at Stanford, 70% of the children simply could not wait. They settled for less so that they could get it faster.

We cart this mentality right into our sex lives. We are besieged with images of couples having sex on first dates (sometimes the second if the couple is extra cautious). When we hop into the sack, it is all about the sprint to orgasm. Slam, bam, thank you ma’am.

And yet, instant gratification numbs eroticism. Eroticism thrives in being put off and delayed. Think back to the first kiss with your lover. Did you spend time thinking about when it was going to happen? How was it going to unfold? Where were you going to be? The delight of anticipation accelerated the desire.

We find the antithesis of this in most modern marriages. Couples zone out in front of the TV all evening and then will turn to each other and intone the words of Big John McCarthy, “let’s get it on!”  It’s no wonder that we have so many couples who are bored silly with their sex lives.

If you want to have eroticism in your sex life, you are going to have to be deliberate about cultivating it. The anticipation for sex should not begin when Leno goes off. It should begin in the morning or even the day before. You should be flirting, teasing, and touching hours before you ever take your clothes off. Only a small percentage of “sex” should take place when you are naked. The rest takes place when intercourse is not logistically possible but you are building up to the experience.

Think all of that takes too much energy? A boring, sexless marriage takes a whole lot more and it will cost you in the long run. So turn off the TV an hour earlier. Don’t panic - you can DVR it or wait until the series comes out on DVD. Flirt with each other leading up to the actual act. Look for chances to see your lover in a new light. If someone eyes up your lover don’t get jealous, get intrigued. And spend time exploring those layers of your sexuality.

Instantly, I remembered my confusion as a child about that word sexy as I watched a television show with Rod Stewart prancing about the stage with spiked hair and tight leather pants singing:

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy
Come on, sugar, let me know
If you really need me just reach out and touch me
Come on, honey, tell me so

So yes! What is sexy?

Thankfully, I remembered and repeated a quote I had read in a book from a mother who  when asked the same question by her 5 year old she said, “Sexy is when it feels good to be in your own skin. Your own body feels right, it feels comfortable. Sexy is when you love being you. Because it all starts with being sexy on the inside.”

My daughter was satisfied and I got curious.

A few days later, the aforementioned sexy husband and I headed away for the weekend and I placed the question on the table for discussion. That question has begun a month long theme of ‘What is sexy?’ As a life coach I am all about questions…good questions. The kind of questions that linger in one’s awareness like perfume or cologne long after the date is over.   I am not always about finding the answers because once you do…. you stop looking, discovering, growing. Often I think, we are meant to live the questions. I want to live ‘What is ’sexy?’ for a long time.

So, we discussed the obvious physical attributes but then kept going looking at the wider definition. Almost every day since the question was posed we have delved deeper….how sexy is defined during different season of life, busting cliches like sexy is taking out the garbage and looking at the even bigger question for ourselves, ‘Am I sexy?’

It is amazing once a word is in your awareness how it shows up everywhere. A movie director client described her job as sexy, a salesman eagerly attributes sexiness to the red sports car he is selling and I even overheard a discussion commenting on a new sexy computer software program.

Sexy describes a life force. As Kris Carr named her documentary Crazy Sexy Cancer and subsequent website Crazy Sexy Life, she attribute the word sexy to an intrinsic  force within all of us.

When I begin a coaching partnership with a new client I often start by having them read the famous quote by Marianne Williamson and underline one or two sentences that have particular significance to them:

‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.’

Sexy is not a word in the quote but it could be. Who are you to be sexy? I believe if I gave a group of men and women a list of 100 words and asked them to pick 10 words to describe themselves that sexy would rarely be chosen. Sexiness is powerful. It can attract what we don’t want as much as what we do. It connects us to a powerful force that can have us feel like we are riding a thoroughbred…and we have not finished jockey training school. Or it causes us to face the some truth about our attractiveness and worse than being sexy is the fear of being vain, conceited or self-centered. To truly own the word we have to come to terms a part of ourselves that can feel both vulnerable and potent.

So in an act of curiosity and simply research for this article I invited others into the question.  I asked several groups of people “How would you answer the question, ‘What is sexy?’”

Some laughed nervously and changed the topic, from some I got radio silence, but all in all an overwhelming response.

It seems I am not the only one intrigued to define and explore this word that has so much power, magnetism and energy. It appears to be a loaded question and yet even in our over-sexed culture…very difficult to define.

Several people gave one word or simple answers:

• Confidence
• Enthusiasm
• Tool-belt
• A smile
• Joie de vivre
• A peek of skin
• Sparkly eyes
• Stubble
• A long pony tail that swings when she walks.
• A pregnant woman in a bikini.
• The sensation of all the senses.
• Nothing but a Canucks jersey.
• Sexy comes from within when you are reminded that you are… beautiful!
• Sexy is feeling like the most amazing person in the world whether I’m dressed up to the nines or wearing sweatpants and a tee!
• I feel sexiest when my mind is touching someone else’s.
• A woman ’showing off’ her body without ’showing too much’ is incredibly sexy.
• It is the look that is unaware of the presence of anyone else.

Others had a lot more to say:

• What is sexy? Well, if you mean, ‘what does the word sexy mean’, then sexy is anything that inspires sexual interest and feeling. But what inspires sexual interest and feeling? Used to be tequila or beer kegs. Has also been the power of making someone want me - that was damned sexy. For a time, another’s disinterest could be sexy. Sometimes being attractive to others made another person sexy - their very desired-ness was sexy to me.

• What is sexy? I was shocked that my brain went numb when I asked myself this question. What do I find sexy? Still numb. The short answer is that I think I find individuals that have the quiet self assurance  that comes from being authentic, sexy. There also needs to be some level of health. Too much coughing and complaining is not sexy!!

• I’ve been thinking about “sexy” the last couple of days and my definition for myself is that I often feel sexy when I am wearing  clothes that make me strut just a little. It is my husband who helped me be more fully aware of what it means to be a woman, what it means to be sexy.  His delights  in my body and my sexiness.

• Thank you for your question!  We talked about it for awhile but over the course of the conversation we got <ahem> distracted! <wink>

• If we are to believe what the media pumps out about “what is sexy”, it’s reserved for the young perfect few.  It has been said that the brain is the biggest sex organ in the body next to the skin.  Sexy is a state of mind for me not what I look like.  I am sexy because the love in my life makes me so. I am allowed to be myself (including flaws) and I am loved.  Love allows me to be confident.

• ‘Sexy’ is knowing that you are desirable to others.  Sometimes that is in a physical way, but it can also be on an emotional, intellectual or even spiritual level.  It is knowing that others want to connect with you, and that in some way, you are very attractive to them.

• Sexy is an individual definition based on the eyes and heart of another person. It is also a definition you can hold for yourself about yourself.  You can choose that perspective, no matter what your body shape

• If I were explaining it to my 3 year old daughters I would say:  ”Sexy is when you feel a certain way.  It’s partly about the way you say your words, the way you wiggle and spin, the way you whisper and smile.  God made you a girl, a beautiful girl and I love it when you announce to me, ‘I’m bootiful!’ That is sexy.”

Reflecting on God, I am always fascinated to think about all of the things God didn’t have to create…colour, music, taste, laughter, nipples on men.  And what about sexuality…..Maybe God could have given the baby delivery job to the storks after all.  Procreation aside, why is sexuality essential to our existence? To our relationships? To ourselves?

Our view of sex, sexy, and sexual energy can be so extremely narrow. The truth is that we struggle in our connection with the earth, with each other and with ourselves. Our sexuality is our awareness that we are separate and our sexuality is all about all the ways we go about trying to connect.

In Rob Bell’s book, Sex God, he raises some interesting points paraphrased here:

For many, sexuality is simply what happens between two people involving physical pleasure. But that’s only a small percentage of what sexuality is. Music, for example,  is powerful because it connects us…it is sexual. We generally don’t think of it in those terms but it is true. Certain communal events draws us together into something bigger than the event itself…we are connected…the way it is supposed  to be; a run for a common cause, a concert, a rally, a church service. Our sexuality is all of the ways we strive to reconnect with our world, with each other, and with God. This why places like the red light district in Amsterdam are so sexually repressed. Lots of physical interaction and no connection. Lust comes from a deep lack of satisfaction with life. Lust says, “If you just have this everything would be fine.” Lust promises what it can’t deliver.

Sexuality in its purest form offers us acceptance of ourselves, others and God…..which is the greatest connection there is.

So when our sexuality is defined by what we are made for (connection) and what is possible (acceptance) then ’sexy’  becomes an invitation to connect as we are meant to.

So what happens when you ask yourself the question, ‘What is sexy?’

Can you say that you are sexy? Why or why not?

What would happen if you did?

So as the Olympic spirit descends on Vancouver, BC here is the essence of sexy fun by Evgeni Plushenko, 2006 Winter Olympics Gold medalist.

_____________________________________________________________________________

LAURA NORTH, CPCC
Certified Professional Co-Active Coach
www.truenorthcoaching.com

Laura is a bold and intuitive coach certified through The Coaches Training Institute. She is an excellent communicator who has assisted many in overcoming personal and professional challenges. Laura believes that when we struggle to find the answers to our questions perhaps we need to look at the questions we are asking.

Like most of us, Laura’s most profound learning has been taught by life itself. As a cancer survivor (Hodgkin’s Disease) at the age of 19, Laura knows what it means to fight for your life. Her strength is supporting others to clarify what they want, identify obstacles (real or imaginary) create a plan and then get moving.

After fifteen years in Education she describes that time in her life as one of the most exhausting, yet most fulfilling. “I learned more about life, relationships and discovering who I was during those years. Children are wise and gifted teachers” says Laura.

Laura’s greatest longing is for people to know deeply who they are…..beloved children of a loving God. She does not market herself as a ‘Christian Coach” as she loves to ask all people questions to have them seek for truth and watch God show up in beautifully intimate ways just where they are.

As the founder of True North Coaching in the late nineties, she is one of Vancouver’s first certified professional coaches. She attracts a wide variety of clients locally and internationally and is a celebrated speaker and workshop leader. Laura lives in Vancouver, Canada with her husband of 20 years and two young children.

The Mystery Box Tour - Part Three

Exploring the Erotic

In this hilarious clip from the TV show, Two and a Half Men, Charlie and his fiancée reflect the predicament in which many couples find themselves after years together:

Why is it that the more we get to know each other, the most comfortable we become in our relationship, and the more intimacy we cultivate, the more our desire diminishes? You would think that as we draw closer and closer, we would have more and more desire. But instead, as we grow comfortable in our relationship, sex ebbs and we no longer take the care to bank our stream off the side of the toilet.

In her book, Mating in Captivity, Ester Perel describes the paradox of knowledge and mystery. I described this paradox as being the illegitimate love child of Mulder and Scully but I think Perel is a bit more articulate!

“Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energized by it. If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is about having; desire is about wanting. An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness. It is less concerned with where it has already been than passionate about where it can still go. But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire. They forget that fire needs air.”

When you hear this explanation of desire and the erotic, it is easy to see why we have these strong feelings during the infancy of our relationship. These were the days when all the things that make desire flourish reigned supreme. Everything was new and fresh, waiting to be explored. And then, as we got to know each other, this driving force stalled. We spent so much time together than very little was new. The paradox is that the deeper we grow in our intimacy with each other, the more elusive eroticism becomes.

Some couples believe this is how marriage is meant to be. They sacrifice the passion of eroticism for the comforts and security of knowledge of each other. In fact, sometimes they go to great lengths to explain away the loss of their eroticism. “That was immature love and does not compare to what we have together now”, they say. Is there truth in this statement? Somewhat. It is true that there is incredible bonding that happens when a couple builds years of history together. Our knowledge base of each other makes us phenomenal friends and partners. But it doesn’t necessarily make us phenomenal lovers.

When it comes to maintaining amazing sex over the years with your spouse, I tend to agree with JJ Abrams - “Mystery is the infinite potential and possibility. It is hope. It is the catalyst for imagination. There are times when it is more important than knowledge.” Actively recognizing and cultivating mystery in your marriage will help keep the spark alive over all those years.

The million dollar question, however, is, “How do I cultivate both intimacy and eroticism?”

Think on that one this week. Discuss it with your spouse. I have some tips and suggestions that I will give you next week.

As we meandered around, I noticed that a new store had opened up. The name of the store caught my eye because it had been recommended to me by a friend when it was at another location. Since it used to be located in the heart of downtown Vancouver, I had not yet had a chance to visit it but had carried the business card around in my wallet for months. Then, voilla, there it was relocated to Granville Island!

I sent Eric and Riley to check out another part of the island while I perused the place. I have to say that it was the most delightful “adult” store I have ever entered. Tart Boutique barrages the senses with elegance, sophistication and sensuality. Their tag line - deliciously sexy - truly captures the essence of the store. The boutique has products which range from classy cuff links for men, to stylish hats, to beautiful clothing, to corsets.

And of course, they have bedroom toys as well. However, the toys are all sculpted to look like works of art. (I know - it is amazing that someone finally figured out how to bring pleasure without looking like a body part.) The boxes which line the shelves are white with the brand name displayed - a far cry from the stereotypical packaging which has a picture of a busty woman on the front.

In fact, the place is so classy that a child could easily enter the store and leave with her innocence completely intact. Not that you need to take your kids - in fact, the experience will be much more pleasurable if you leave them at home. But the fact that they are welcome, because the goods of the store are so tastefully and discreetly displayed, speaks volumes for the boutique.

So often, when looking through “adult” stores, it is impossible to escape the seedy feeling. It is true that some stores are doing better at reaching an audience that wants to be sensual without being sleazy. However, Tart far surpassed the competition. In fact, they are in a league of their own.

So, if you are visiting Granville Island, I recommend that you pay them a visit. I certainly will be going back!

But all of us wrestle with this concept at sometime in our life.  We all use the word.  We’ve all heard it used in various settings that seemingly have nothing to do with sex.  SO what is “sexy”?  Tune in next week as Laura North walks us through her own exploration of this question!

LAURA NORTH, CPCC
Certified Professional Co-Active Coach
www.truenorthcoaching.com

Laura is a bold and intuitive coach certified through The Coaches Training Institute. She
is an excellent communicator who has assisted many in overcoming personal and
professional challenges. Laura believes that when we struggle to find the answers to our
questions perhaps we need to look at the questions we are asking.

Like most of us, Laura’s most profound learning has been taught by life itself. As a
cancer survivor (Hodgkin’s Disease) at the age of 19, Laura knows what it means to fight
for your life. Her strength is supporting others to clarify what they want, identify obstacles
(real or imaginary) create a plan and then get moving.

After fifteen years in Education she describes that time in her life as one of the most
exhausting, yet most fulfilling. “I learned more about life, relationships and discovering
who I was during those years. Children are wise and gifted teachers” says Laura.

Laura’s greatest longing is for people to know deeply who they
are…..beloved children of a loving God. She does not market herself as a ‘Christian
Coach” as she loves to ask all people questions to have them seek for truth and watch
God show up in beautifully intimate ways just where they are.

As the founder of True North Coaching in the late nineties, she is one of Vancouver’s
first certified professional coaches. She attracts a wide variety of clients locally and
internationally and is a celebrated speaker and workshop leader. Laura lives in
Vancouver, Canada with her husband of 20 years and two young children.

Here are 10 of my quick tips for ensuring a successful date that is sure to wow your loved one.

The restaurant date:

1. Pick a restaurant you both have enjoyed and you know provides great food and service. Don’t try a new restaurant for the first time, you may or may not get the service you hope for.
2. Choose your table ahead of time. When making your reservation actually go into the restaurant and request the specific table you want. Perhaps you want a bit of privacy, maybe you want to ensure you are away from the entrance and the kitchen. The trick is to ensure the table you request makes the night about the two of you and not what’s happening in the rest of the restaurant.
3. Choose the menu ahead of time. Pick everything from the wine, the appetizers, main course desert etc… if you are not a “foodie” ask the restaurant to help you. The goal is to make your date feel pampered and also let’s them know that you’ve paid attention and really know their likes and dislikes.
4. Order your date’s favourite flowers and have them delivered with your Valentines Day card to the restaurant. Make sure you put the name the reservation is under on the card so they know what table to put them on for when you arrive.
5. Build anticipation… you’ve picked the restaurant, your table and the food now you start to tease your date with just enough info to make them wonder what you’ve planned. Let them know you have a date but give them nothing else, not the time, the place, anything J
6. Valentines Day morning start off with a cute and funny Valentines Day card. Include some of the details for your upcoming date. Let them know what type of outfit to wear and what time they should expect to be ready for.
7. Valentines Day after work it’s all about being stress free. Make sure that everything has been prepped in advance for the return home, candles are strategically placed, favourite mood music playlist has been created and is all set to go. When you arrive home it will only take two minutes for the mood to be continued.
8. Dress for success. The adage usually applies to work and career but it applies just the same here. Make sure you look your best, smell good, and have your hair cut the day or two before.
9. The perfect Valentines Day Gift isn’t about how much you’ve spent, its about how much thought went into it. With all the planning you’ve done on the dinner the gift should also be thoughtful and meaningful. One of my favourites costs nothing, relationship gift certificates! Create a few gift certificates that your date can redeem at a later time. Things should include experiences that your date often asks for but are not always possible due to busy lives. For example “a candle lit scented bath”, “a romantic massage”, “a home made dinner for two” are just a few of the possibilities. Be creative and make them specific to your loved one.
10. Most importantly be authentic, real and be present! The greatest gift we can give someone is to be in the moment with them and to give them our full attention.

Hopefully these will give you some inspiration in creating your perfect date.  If you choose to cook a meal at home see how the tips would be relevant and adjust accordingly.  The principles are the same.

Founder of Amuse Consulting, Marc Smith brings more than a decade of event planning experience to each event. Having worked for seven years at Capers Community Markets in Vancouver as Regional Demo and Special Event Coordinator, Marc planned a wide variety of sponsored and in-store events. He is also a graduate (and valedictorian!) of Leadership Vancouver, as well as a founding board member of the BC Ethics in Action Society

Amuse Consulting Inc. is a full service boutique event planning company in Vancouver. We specialize in creating events for Businesses and Not-for-Profits that integrate seamlessly with the brand and identity of our clients. A strategic project management style approach infused with sustainability and community-minded initiatives ensure your event is on track for all of the triple bottom lines. Financial, Environmental and Social Impact.

I love the names we have given to periods of time in history:  “The Dark Ages”, “The Renaissance”, “The Age of Enlightenment”…these all sound so romantic.  It’s way better than simply saying, “I grew up in the 70’s!  Best I have is “The Age of Bellbottoms and Awful Moustaches”, and that doesn’t roll off the tongue.

Just like looking back at pictures from the 1970’s and wondering how on earth our parents could have thought those clothes were fashionable in any way, when we look back on other ages in history it is always interesting to see what odd and even ignorant perceptions and paradigms people held so dear to themselves.

For instance, look at the so-called “Middle Ages” or “Dark Ages” for instance.  It was not until hundreds of years later that scholars began to use those terms for it, and it quickly took on a derogatory meaning.  It became a way to sum up that section of time by focusing on what was deemed to be “wrong with it.”  For a while it was called the “Age of Faith” because religion reigned supreme in the culture. Later, when this was deemed to be inappropriate because it is in direct conflict with the subsequent deification of intellect and man, scholars began referring to that period of history as “barbaric” and “priest-ridden”, and spoke of “these dark times”, “the centuries of ignorance”, and “the uncouth centuries”.

By the same token, these same scholars began calling their own time the “Age of Enlightenment.”  Thanks to the great oracle Google, I can tell you that, The Age of Enlightenment (or simply the Enlightenment) is a term used to describe a time in Western philosophy and cultural life, in which reason was advocated as the primary source and legitimacy for authority.  In fact, during this time reason was held to be the primary value of society.  Reason was prized above authority, intuition, emotion, mysticism, superstition, and faith.

Why am I forcing you into my private interest in history?  Because there are things we can learn from the past.  In fact, our current culture is shaped, in many ways, by cultural past. Studies have been done that show as much as 90% of our beliefs are secondary - meaning, that we either heard or read it, but did not personally experience it, and yet we believe it to be true. So when we hear “Dark Ages” we believe those times to be “bad” and when we hear “Enlightenment” we believe those times to be “good”.  What follows from that are logical conclusions that we should do like those who were “enlightened” and not be like those who were “ignorant”.   The pendulum has swung fully from a time where mysticism and faith (belief in that which cannot be seen or explained) were revered to a place where reason and understanding reign supreme.  Anything that cannot be fully known, understood, and explained in minute detail is not to be trusted.

The problem with this, like with any over-reaction, is that we have thrown the proverbial baby out with the bathwater.  Believe me, I too love to know and understand things.  When my husband is telling me something, I often serenade him with a chorus us “details, details…I WANT DETAILS!!!”  Seriously, I really do sing this to him.  It’s cute when I do it.  Seriously.

Anyway, the point here is that I am like everyone else when it comes to knowing things.  I want to know.  I need to know.  It’s my God-given right to know!  And therefore I tend to not trust things that I do not really understand.

This same philosophy has wormed its way into our belief about relationships.  I cannot tell you how many people have told me that they “deserve to know” every detail of their lover’s past and present in every area of their life.  And if they don’t know every detail, then they assume that things are being hidden and if things are being hidden then they must be bad or they wouldn’t hide them, and if they hide things then they don’t trust them, and if they don’t trust them then they cannot truly love them…and round and round the circle goes - each link in the chain assuming more and more negative qualities and it will become a major block in a relationship (if not a causal link to it failing).  Somehow in marriage we have come to the point where we actively and intentionally strive to eliminate all mystery.  We lose tolerance for a spouse who loads the dishwasher differently than we do - we don’t even bother to see why they do it a different way, we just know that our way is better.  We lose all tolerance for ambiguity - everything has to be nice and predictable.  Orderly.  Able to be quantified and classified.  Simple and easy to explain and understand.

The problem with this banal perspective is that it is, well, boring.  And aside from boring, it by definition extinguishes any erotic life from marriage.  Eroticism thrives in an atmosphere of mystery.  It allows for, and even encourages, spontaneity.  It provides fodder for our powerful imaginations to re-engage in the area of sex.   We regain a sense of wonder about sex.

I love the wording of that phrase: sense of wonder.  The very word bestows us with permission to not know.  To wonder is to not be sure - to not know.  And yet, one of the things we revere about children is their unadulterated sense of wonder - their amazing ability to simply look at things in awe without the overwhelming desire to understand it all.  They can take things at face value and appreciate them for what they are on the surface.  Faith comes easy to them.

We as adults, on the other hand, almost pride ourselves on our cynicism.  No one will take advantage of us.  We have ubiquitous sayings that permeate our sub-conscious like, “fool me once, shame on you - fool me twice, shame on me” or “if it seems too good to be true, then it is” or “I’m from Missouri, SHOW ME.”  We require proof.  In many ways we still cling to the pendulum that swung so far.

This is because, in North America, our thinking has been so radically impacted by the Age of Enlightenment. We can rationalize and explain virtually everything in our world. Intellectual discourse is high on our list of values. If I can explain things more articulately than you then I win the debate. We put very little value on mystery, on that which cannot be explained. Even our “mystery” shows on TV - CSI and Bones among others - are tied up neatly with a bow at the end of the episode. Shows which refuse to explain every little nuance - the show Lost comes to mind - drive us insane. (Why can’t they just tell us what is up with that island anyways?!)

And so it is with our relationships. Can’t communicate well? Head to your local bookstore and look through the thousands of self-help books. Or even better, flip on Dr. Phil - he will give you an answer. Can’t sustain an erection? Go to the doctor and get a prescription of Viagra or Cialis filled. If that doesn’t work, you can research penis implant surgery.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I am not saying that diligently seeking solutions to life’s problems is wrong. Au contraire - I wholeheartedly advocate being solution-oriented. And yet, there are times when we cannot find answers. Times when the prescription medication he is taking to keep him alive has devastating side effects on his libido and despite all the things you have tried, nothing can take away the ache that he doesn’t pursue you like he once did. Times where even though she has never had an orgasm with you, she finally confesses that she cannot live like this any more. Even though you have tried and tried, nothing is working and your fear that she will leave is escalating with each failed attempt.

In these moments, do we stop looking for solutions? No.

Rather we have to act like the love illegitimate love child of Mulder and Scully from the X-Files.  While looking for answers, we have to simultaneously learn to embrace the ambiguity of mystery. We choose to learn from the very fact that we do not know the answers. Contrary to everything our culture teaches us, we realize that we can grow from not knowing. We choose to see this mystery box as something that will weave richness into our life’s story rather than an inconvenience that needs to be immediately eradicated.

Richard Rohr calls this place “liminal space.” He says, “It is when you have left the “tried and true” but have not yet been able to replace it with anything else… It is when you are in between your old comfort zone and any possible new answer. It is no fun.”

No, it is not fun. However, if we can survive liminal space without bailing out too early for cheap and easy answers, we reap incredibly rich rewards: we become adept at dealing with anxiety, living with ambiguity, and stoking the flames of eroticism.

You thought I had forgotten about eroticism. Trust me…I’m getting there, but we have to build the foundation first. Next week: Exploring the Mystery of the Erotic or The Truth Erotic is Out There…

I announced this revelation on my Facebook page and it lit up like a Christmas tree. (One that is impeccably decorated and lacking the God-awful elf dangling front and center.) Women rushed to share their endorsement of this statement. It seems I am not the only one with a deep fondness for shoes.

In fact, S. Rachman and R.J. Hodgson, two sex researchers conducting studies in 1968, decided to try and create a shoe fetish in male test subjects using Pavlov’s theory of conditioning. It worked. The men became aroused simply from the sight of shoes after the experiment was over. While knee-high boots and high-heeled black shoes seemed effective, “no man got an erection from looking at brown string sandals.” Thank you to Mary Roach who wrote the brilliant book Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex and shared this tidbit with us.

The moral of the story? Men, let your wives buy as many shoes as they want. Women, stay away from brown string sandals.

I know that most of you are aware that Valentine’s Day is coming up, but perhaps you are too tired, too preoccupied with your New Year’s goals, or too annoyed by the occasion to pay much attention. Many people find this “holiday” to be overwhelming.  All of us, at one time or another, have harbored homicidal thoughts toward Cupid.

This year, however, I am going to make the planning easy for you. Next week, Marc Smith, a professional event planner and the founder of Amuse Consulting, will be sharing “10 Simple Steps to the Perfect Valentine’s Date.”

These brilliant and yet easy ideas will ensure that you create a date you’ll both remember for years. Check back with us on January 26^th.

Download this file as a .mov file for your Quick Time player OR as a .m4v file for your ipod OR as a .mp3 file to listen to the audio on itunes

Back in March 2007, JJ Abrams spoke on mystery. When he was a young boy, his grandfather was the instrumental person in his life that encouraged both his love of mysteries and as well as his exploration into how things work. One of his grandfather’s gifts to him was a box of magic tricks advertised to have $50 worth of magic for only $15. Abrams has carried that box around with him for years, never opening it, as a reminder of his grandfather and the wonder of what the box might actually hold. As long as he keeps it closed, there is mystery. Abrams contends that “Mystery is the catalyst for imagination” and “there are times when mystery is more important than knowledge.”

If you want to watch his TED talk in its entire 18 minutes, click here - JJ Abrams - Magic Box .

The reason, he continues, that mystery trumps knowledge is that we crave “mystery boxes” in our stories. They are the lifeblood of entertainment.   Take Star Wars for example:

You got the droids; they meet the mysterious woman. Who’s that? We don’t know. Mystery box! Then you meet Luke Skywalker. He gets the droids, you see the holographic image. You learn, Oh, it’s a message. She wants to, you know, find Obi Wan Kenobi. He’s her only hope. But who’s Obi Wan Kenobi? Mystery box!  So he goes to Old Ben Kenobi and it turns out he is Obi Wan Kenobi and he knew Luke’s father.  But who is Luke’s father?  Mystery box!

It is these mystery boxes which draw us into the story. They stimulate our imagination. They are the great unknown. They bond us to the characters. They are the twists and turns which we do not expect but utterly delight us. That is our attitude…at least when they are happening on screen.

But what happens when we encounter mystery boxes in our own lives? Typically, we get very annoyed. They are inconvenient. They deter us from easy and fun things in our lives. They don’t fit into our neat and tidy version of a picture-perfect life.

However, if we were to translate our lives into a movie script, they would look like this:

• My 13 month old daughter was just diagnosed with a potentially life-threatening illness. We don’t know what is coming next. Mystery box.
• There is a world-wide economic downturn. How are we going to make it financially? Mystery box.
• My husband has just been put on anti-depressants which are killing his libido. How do we manage that? Mystery box.

In our personal lives, we want to - in fact we demand to - rip open the mystery box to see what is inside. The very circumstances that would make our life’s story a block-buster hit on screen are what we want to immediately eradicate. We want all the answers right here, right now. But the irony of the mystery box is that once you rip it open, all the possibilities are gone. Suddenly the anticipation of $50 worth of magic is replaced by the fact that you actually only got a bunch of cheap tricks.

And yet, if you are going to experience eroticism in your relationship, you are going to have to endure a bit of mystery.

How on earth do eroticism and mystery have anything to do with each other?

They have everything to do with each other. Think about it - when did you have the most passion and eroticism with your lover? I would put money on the earlier days of your relationship. Those were the days when we would kiss for hours; we would talk until 4 in the morning; we could not wait to get a phone call during the day from each other. To quote the band, The Police, it was the period in our relationship when “Every little thing she does is magic.”

Ironically, those were also the days when we knew very little about each other. Our hunger to become more knowledgeable of each other drove our passions. The very mystery of this new person sparked eroticism. But as we began to understand each other, as we began to grow deeper in love, and as we melded our worlds together, the eroticism faded.

In his book The Kosher Sutra, Shmuley Boteach describes it as such: “[Eroticism] is much like a secret that you long to hear. As soon as its contents are revealed, it has ceased to be a secret and in the process it has ceased to be interesting or erotic.”

If I had to wager a guess right now, I would bet that you have a lot of knowledge about your spouse but not a lot of mystery. I would further guess that you miss the passion that you once had in your relationship. Those two circumstances are intrinsically entwined.

So how do we nurture a relationship of intimacy over decades with our spouse and still experience mystery?

This is the topic I am going to be discussing over my next few blogs. Together, we will explore how the Age of Enlightenment and the accompanying deification of reason threatens to destroy the passion in our relationships. We will look at the annoyances of dealing with ambiguity and the importance of seeing our lovers through fresh eyes. We will brainstorm about ways to increase the erotic in our marriages. And somewhere, in the midst of all of this, I hope that we will begin once again feel the flames of passion. Perhaps we will even want to rip the clothes off of our lovers once again. Stay tuned.