Missing the Woman I Fell in Love With – thoughts

I ran across this article on CNN the other day and as I read it, my eyes filled with tears. In my practice, I meet so many women like the wife of this author but to hear the story from her husband’s perspective was, well, heart breaking.

It makes me want to yell and scream that marriage doesn’t have to be like what he is describing. That as the years go by, we can continue to connect in a special way that is uniquely us beyond our identities as mom, dad, daughter, son, boss or coworker.

But intimacy is built on the myriad of little choices that we make. The choice to gently touch as we pass by each other. The choice to give a lingering kiss goodbye in the morning rather than a peck on the cheek. The choice to ask, “How was your day?”, and then really listen to the answer. The choice to make time to write a little note and drop it on his pillow for him to find. The choice to put the kids to bed early. The choice to leave the TV turned off.

The relationship that we have with our spouse is unique – no other relationship has such a powerful potential for adventure, happiness, pleasure, companionship, and yes, intimacy. But it will only reach that potential if we choose for it to be so.

If you have not done so already, go read the original article here or on my article page.  Then come back and think about these questions?

  • Do you “miss” the person you fell in love with and what has changed in your relationship that causes you to “miss” them?
  • What specific choices are you going to make today, tomorrow, this week that will create intimacy between you and your lover?

Let us know your answers, and more importantly, let us know how the week goes when you implement these choices!!

4 replies
  1. Marie
    Marie says:

    My husband and I… this was our story too. We started date nights and efforts to nurture intimacy, and now we keep finding things to nurture it.

    Your site and advice is so needed. I am telling everyone I can about it.

    Here is my tip: Make it a pattern to go to bed together whenever possible. Be available for pillow talk, snuggling, and loving. You can always get back up after your spouse falls asleep.

    • Eryn-Faye Frans
      Eryn-Faye Frans says:

      Marie I am so pleased that you have found my site helpful – and of course, I always appreciate word-of-mouth references! I am a huge advocate of date-nights, or anything that gets you and your lover alone with each other again. I totally agree with you on the bedtime tip. When my husband and I got married, I did not realize that he was such a night owl and that I was such an early bedtime girl. It could have become a major issue for us if we hadn’t talked about it fairly quickly. I wanted him to go to sleep (come to bed) when I did, and he wanted to stay up until he “got tired”. We eventually compromised and he would come to bed with me and focus on me and let me drift off to sleep and I would let him bring his book or laptop to bed and keep working until he got tired. We both got what we were “expecting” and we had the physical closeness too. Great tip!

  2. Marie
    Marie says:

    Theses articles just as easily could have been, “Missing the Man I fell in Love with.” The solutions would be the same.

    When we got married and had children right away, my life revolved around taking care of our children, and his became revolved around his career and church projects. We led separate lives while living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed. (We went nowhere with just the two of us… including our anniversaries, for years. Each year I would beg for a date as an anniversary gift.) He had lured me into marriage. He had hiswife, so he was on to his next conquest, his business. I was his live in maid, nanny, and bed-warmer. The romance and intimacy dwindled.

    It wasn’t just me who had changed, it was both of us.

    • Eryn-Faye Frans
      Eryn-Faye Frans says:

      You are very right – this article is not about either gender, it is about both. We all change – men AND women. The important thing is that we don’t grow apart as we grow. We absolutely must remember what it was that brought us together in the first place. No one marries their lover thinking, “I can’t wait! In just a few years, we can have a dog, 2.3 kids, a mortgage and become asexual roommates.” And yet, that is right where so many couples end up. They forget. They drift away. They grow apart. And soon, they can’t remember why they got together and can think of no real reason to stay together. Intimacy and romance are the hallmarks that should define our relationships.

      It breaks my heart to hear that the early years of your marriage were so lonely for you, but I know that yours is not an uncommon story. The good news is that it can be turned around. You can bring back the excitement and romance and intimacy in your relationship. I know countless women who have! Change isn’t bad…it just needs to be managed and priorities must be kept in order. You and your lover are priority #1.

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