Consummation 101

Welcome back to class.  This will be our last day of class before you “graduate”.  Feel free to have a big party tonight, but don’t pass out invitations in class unless you are inviting everyone!

But before we get too far into the celebration mode, let’s not forget that we do have a class today.  And yes, as promised, this really will focus on the sexual aspect of relationships.  No guys, if you have been diligently and patiently doing all the homework with your lady, then today’s lesson is truly well earned.  If you have sulked through class doing the bare minimums…well, then quid pro quo should not surprise you in the least.  You get what you give…

That being said, ladies - those of you who think that communication is the end-all-be-all of intimacy and understanding each other, I point you to a universally respected philosopher, Plato who said:

You can learn more from someone in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.

Not the kind of thing you would expect to hear from the guy who wrote The Republic and lectured on metaphysics in ancient Greece is it?  But it is true.

Now, I have already received quite a few emails in anticipation of this particular article.  My favorite was a simple, short question that said, “Are you teaching how to have sex?”  This is a question that I get asked all the time - especially in social settings when somebody blurts out that I am a “passion coach for sex”.  There is that awkward silence where people take that in and process it.  I usually take a deep breath and try to explain why that statement is as wrong as it is right, but someone always asks the question, “do you teach people how to have sex?”

The short of it is of course, no.  This article is not going to be a “tab A - slot B” diagram.   The underlying cause in the dramatic rise in sexless marriages in North America is not a lack of understanding of how a penis and vagina connect together.  I have yet to have anyone come to me for help and say, “I keep hearing about this thing called sex, but I have no idea what it is or how it works.”

No, for most of us, sex gets lost in the clutter of daily life, or set aside because of physical or emotional issues.   And yet physical intimacy is as important to a strong relationship as commitment and communication.  And yes, I did just switch terms from sex to physical intimacy.  They are slightly synonymous.  Sex is always physical intimacy, but physical intimacy is not always sex.

Easy guys, I am not going to say that a good cuddle can take the place of sex on a daily basis.  I don’t believe that.  But I do think both are important.  One of the issues that we face in North American culture today is that we have become so focused on goal achievement.  Now, usually this is a very good thing.  But often our greatest strength can also be our greatest weakness.  In a sexual relationship “finishing” the task at hand as quickly and efficiently as possible is not the best approach.  (the occasional “quickie” notwithstanding of course, but a healthy relationship cannot exist only on “quickies”)

Remember back to the beginning of your relationship.  Was there a time when you couldn’t wait to have sex?  All you wanted to do was run your hands all over your lover’s body and explore every inch of them?  When simply stroking their skin would lurch you both to an almost overwhelming physical response?  When you would kiss for hours because you weren’t sure the two of you were ready to take the physical further?

Physical relationships always start somewhere.  Sitting next to someone and your legs touch.  Reaching for something at the same time and your fingers brush against each another’s.  Somewhere along the way all this accidental touching changes to be more intentional.   One of you, maybe both of you at the same time, reaches for the other’s hand - and you never stop holding hands after that.

The first hug - maybe stilted and done with one arm.  The eventually that becomes a two armed hug where you lean into each other and shoulders connect but a little kid could still walk between you while you hug.  And finally, there comes the full-frontal embrace.  Arms around each other, heads tilt to opposite angles and rest on each other shoulders.  Neck touches neck.  Chest touches chest.  Belly to belly, thigh to thigh and hands move slowly up and down the back - longing to go just a little lower.

Then the first kiss.  Maybe it starts as cheeks touching and you make a little kissing noise as you do it (how very European of you).  Then it will proceed to a quick lip to lip that barely gives you time to pucker, but you think about it for hours afterwards.  Eventually you work up to that first real kiss.  It might not last for hours - maybe it is under the porch light at the end of a great date.  The first real kiss.  You are looking right at each other and your eyes keep moving from their eyes to their lips, like an unspoken ask for permission.  Then you begin the long slow movement forward as you both realize that this is going to happen.  Your lips part just as you come together and your eyes close as you give yourself over to “the kiss.”

Once that seal is broken you are kissing all the time.  You find excuses to be together just so you can kiss again.   You can be on the phone together for hours, not talking, because all you really want to do is be close to them - and when you are, talking is not the highest priority on your list.

Remember those days?  Back then we were not in a sprint to the finish line.  Sure, we probably wanted to speed things up a bit, but we were never rushed.   And yet today we are overwhelmed with activities and responsibilities and physical intimacy doesn’t get the prioritization it deserves.  Ironically, it is often the very fact that we know we can “get it” anytime that induces us to put it off - often to the point that we never do.

We have to reprioritize our lives.  If we want our relationship to grow and thrive, and not be satisfied with it simply continuing to exist, then we need to get back to the basics.  Let’s build on the foundation that we have.  Those feelings and activities might be buried under years and years of distractions and actions, but if you dig down, you will find that foundation.

Yes, I understand that you are busy, that your life is hectic and that you run at a frantic pace.  I understand that you have kids and they have some kind of built in amorous radar that forces them to suddenly need your attention if you and your lover so much as exchange a meaningful gaze.  But I also know that your sex life is important.  That it needs and deserves time and attention.  You deserve some time and attention.

So find some alone time.  Call into work sick one day and stay in bed - together.  Get up REALLY early and learn to explore each other again.  Find a friend to watch the kids for a night - or even for a few hours.  Trade off with another couple - each of you can watch the other’s kids while you go out (or stay in) once a month.

And get back to basics.  When was the last time you climbed on the bed and kissed deeply and lost track of time in each other’s embrace?  When was the last time you gave each other an hour long sensual massage - making sure to touch every single part of your lover’s body?

My husband once told me that he had a basketball coach who enforced a very strict rule.  Every time they brought the ball down court, they had to pass the ball 4 times minimum before they were allowed to shoot.  Sounds crazy doesn’t it?  What if there was an open shot?  What if they had an easy lay-up?  Didn’t matter.  The rule was 4 passes first.  I will admit that I don’t know enough about basketball to understand his rationale, but I am going to steal his concept anyway.  Next time you have sex, put this rule in place:  No vaginal penetration and no orgasms for either of you until you have both gotten fully naked, kissed deeply for at least 10 minutes and touched every part of each other’s bodies.  This is not a fast break play (to stay with the basketball analogy).  You have to intentionally build up to sex.  Nothing is to be rushed along.

Here’s a quick quiz for you:

Men: do you know what it takes for your lover to have multiple orgasms?  Wouldn’t it be great to find out?  If she has had them before with you, what is the highest number of them she has ever had (and can you beat that number)?

Women: do you know how long your lover’s refractory period is? (The refractory period is the recovery phase after orgasm during which it is physiologically impossible for a man to have additional orgasms. It is also sometimes explained as the time immediately following orgasm during which a man cannot achieve an erection.)  The best part is that there is only one way to find out the answer to this particular question…

If you are going to commit to focusing on your sex life, start first by focusing on having sex.  But focus on the full experience of it - from initial arousal through the complete build up to each person’s orgasms, then (to steal a line from hair care products) rinse and repeat.  Make physical intimacy a priority - yes, that means that something else will be pushed down the priority list.  Then schedule ahead specific times where sexual intimacy becomes THE PRIORITY.   Plan ahead.   I know, scheduling sex might not sound  like the spontaneous love making that everyone on TV is having, but it is simply to help you gain perspective on its importance.  You aren’t scheduling the sex - just the time for it.  The sex can still be spontaneous, and in fact it should be.  If you schedule one night a month where you will have long, uninterrupted time for sex, then switch back and forth on who plans it.  Talk in between times about what you like and don’t like.  What you have tried and what you haven’t (but secretly always wanted to).  Find new favorite positions or fantasies.  Have some fun.

I have coached many many people who lost the fun in sex.  I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the statement, “sex just isn’t fun anymore.”  Don’t be afraid to laugh together in the bedroom, or the kitchen table or the shower or wherever you decide to consummate your relationship again.  Sex is fun.

If you have gotten this far in the class, then you understand how integral commitment and communication are to a relationship - now you’ll find out how consummation interweaves with them as well.  None of them are complete without all of them.

So go - kiss, hug, stroke, have sex.  You heard me.  Go on.  And, maybe you shouldn’t invite anyone else to your graduation party after all.  

Commitment 101

So?  How’s the communication going?  You have to love a teacher that ENCOURAGES talking in class!  We are breaking the school mold there aren’t we?  Did you find out what your lover’s love language is?  Did you already know?  How about your own love language?  Did you know what it was before you did the exercise?

Now that you know how to “talk” to each other in the way each of you hear “I Love You” best, have you been telling each other everyday?  Feel free to share with us what you have been learning.  Discussion is the best way for all of us to learn - especially when the topic was communication!!

Since last time I forced a “pop quiz” on you, this time I promise no testing.  Today is more about class work.  I hear you guys…”lecture, tests, class work - when do we have a time devoted to nothing but recess?”  It will come.  Have a little patience.

Today we are going to talk about one of the core pillars of a relationship - commitment.  I know that for some people, “commitment” is like a really long 4-letter word.  It evokes fear and loathing and possibly twitches and facial ticks.  But it need not.  Since we are all in (or preparing for) long-term relationships here, let me try and explain it from a different point of view.

Let’s go over to the play area in the classroom - over there where the building blocks are.  See this block?  Commitment is like this block.  It is the foundational component required to build the level of trust necessary for a complete sex life.  Ahhh…that got your attention didn’t it.  See, the stronger the commitment (or foundation), the greater the trust can flourish.  The greater the level of trust, the deeper the level of intimacy.  When you have deep levels of trust and intimacy, sex becomes more creative and enacted with “reckless abandon” because there is no fear.  This will allow you to build a sex life that will have you waking up each morning already looking forward to when you get to go to bed together again!

Now, to be fair, commitment does not always equal trust, but in a relationship, a lack of commitment is always indicative of a lack of trust.  And generally speaking, a lack of trust will lead you to a sexless marriage/relationship faster than you can turn on the TV or say, “I have a headache”.

I see those hands raised all over the class.  And I love that all the men are asking the same question. “how do I build that foundation?”   Well, that is a two way street boys and girls.  Commitment and trust go hand in hand.  You cannot really build one without affecting the other.

You see, trust is the culmination of good communication and constant maintenance. Relationships are based upon trust and cannot exist without it. Taking the time to practice trust building is not only a good idea - it is absolutely necessary.  The “constant maintenance” that I speak of is the day-to-day part of commitment.  Keeping a commitment starts with making the decision to show up day after day after day.  Taking it a level deeper is to say, I will not leave. To use the school analogy, it is to decide that you will not drop the class even if you fail a test or an exercise.  It is to say, “I will stick with the material until I bring this up to an A.”  Remember that when working towards a goal, you must focus on what you want to obtain and avoid the impulse to go back to what you know and to what is comfortable.  Often times commitment is not comfortable, but true living is outside the proverbial comfort zone.

One of the greatest examples of commitment in history was the Spanish Conquistador Hernando Cortez.  When he landed in Mexico, one of his first orders to his men was to burn the ships.  Cortez was committed to his mission and did not want to allow himself or his men the option of going back to Spain.  By removing this option to leave, Cortez and his men were forced to focus on how they could make the mission successful.   That is the beauty of commitment, once you make a commitment you are forced to focus on how to make it successful.  Cortez did not try to make the mission comfortable.  They did not build huts, plug in an Xbox and simply exist there since they couldn’t go back.  They looked for opportunities to make everything about the experience positive and worthwhile.  They actively and daily sought success within the commitment of the mission.

It is no different in our lives; commitment is a series of conscious choices.  A conscious choice to not attack or berate your lover when an argument starts (even if you didn’t start it).  A conscious choice to put your lover’s needs above your own (even when your needs are just as important to you).  A conscious choice to speak their love language each day.  A conscious choice to not slide into a comfortable apathy of existence.  These are the basic activities of commitment.

Trust, on the other hand, can be “practiced” in more tangible ways.  Oh sure, keeping your word is a huge way to build trust.  Doing what you say you will do, and not doing what you promised you wouldn’t do - these are trust-building activities.  I am constantly telling my 5-year-old daughter that “promises matter” - and at that early age she knows better than to make one lightly.  Because make no mistake, trust is built and earned.  In fact, there is an old saying goes something like this: “Trust takes a long time to build up, but can be destroyed in an instant.”  For each of you to trust the other, you are required to put yourself out on the line and the other is required to be there for you.  Let me put it another way.

We learn to trust only by repeatedly taking personal risk and experiencing positive outcomes.

If you are not willing to take personal risk - you can never learn to trust.  If your lover does not affect your outcome from that risk in a positive manner - you cannot learn to trust them.

Since we are over here in the activity center of the classroom, lets talk about some trust building exercises we can do!  I am going to give you a few activities for you to do at home.  Try them all out.  Some you might like, some you might find uncomfortable and some you might flat out dislike.  That’s okay.  Do them anyways.  They don’t take long and they really do help bring to the surface matters involving trust.   When I talk with couples about trust, I usually ask them directly if they trust one another. Invariably I get “Yes” for an answer, even if it is hesitant.  But if we dig a little deeper we often discover that this trust level is conditional. Yes, they trust one another to behavior generally within the bounds of acceptable social behavior.  Yes, they trust each other to do the minimum accepted standards of relationship care.  Yes, they trust each other to keep the expectations down.  It reminds me of that line from the Gin Blossoms’ song, Hey Jealousy:

You can trust me not to drink, and not to sleep around…and if you don’t expect too much from me, you might not be let down.

I think we can, and should, be comfortable with expecting a little more than that from our lover.

First exercise: eye contact. Yep, it is as simple as that.  Sit directly across from your lover (not too far apart) and look into each other’s eyes without looking away for 60 seconds.  I know how easy this sounds.  But the point is not to make each other laugh or giggle.  The point is to honestly look into each other’s eyes.  They say the eyes are the windows to the soul.  But so often we pass by those windows without ever really looking inside.  Of course, we often pull the shades on those windows too because we would rather not let people see what’s in there.  So for each of you, in quiet contemplation, look into the other’s eyes while opening up and letting them see in yours.  Then discuss what you did.  What did you think about the exercise?  How did it make you feel about the other person?  If you could let your lover see into your soul, would you be comfortable letting them?

Second exercise: same thing only different.  This time sit directly across from your lover (not too far apart) and look into each other’s eyes without looking away for 60 seconds.  BUT, this time, I want the two of you touching.  Hold hands.  Interlock fingers.  Practice “interdigitation” as my husband likes to call it.  Stroke the palms of each other’s hands (if you aren’t too ticklish).  Make physical contact the entire time.  And with the understanding you gained from the previous exercise, see if you can look deeper and see more of your lover this time.  The discussion points are the same for you afterwards.

Third exercise:  proximity alert. This time sit directly across from your lover (not too far apart) and look into each other’s eyes without looking away for 60 seconds.  BUT during the exercise, keep moving closer to each other - slowly.  Inch by inch (or millimeter by millimeter if you prefer metric) ever so slowly move closer and closer to one another. This will eventually put you in each other’s personal space.  That is part of the exercise, don’t stop it from happening.  If you touch noses, you moved too quickly.  If you don’t get in each other’s personal space, you moved to slowly.  Try again in these instances.  (Or hold still touching noses if you can do it without laughing).   Afterwards talk about how proximity to each other helped or hindered looking into each other’s eyes. Did you feel closer as you got closer?  Did being that close with your eyes open make you uncomfortable?  And why or why not?

Final exercise: together write a relationship commitment statement.  This will allow you to verbalize exactly what your commitment is to the relationship and to each other.  If it helps, think of it like a company’s mission statement.  It should include: your purpose, goals, and commitments.  What is the purpose of your relationship?  What are your goals in your relationship?  What are your commitments to each other in this relationship?

These are great conversations to have.  Then put your answers into a formal relationship commitment statement.  Put it on paper.  Have it framed and hung on your bedroom wall.  Turn the making of it into a work project for the two of you.  Put as much effort into “making” it as you did talking it into existence.

And remember that to avoid turning around and abandoning your goals, you must make going forward more compelling then going back.  So our next class will focus on some things that might help “compel you forward” in your relationship. Yes, guys…that means sex.

Back to School Kits

Product of the Week: Create Your Own Back To School Kit!

When I was speaking on the radio yesterday, I had a few moments to chat with Jacked-in Jessica before we went live on air. She happened to mention that she had been buying school clothes and supplies for a month so that she didn’t have all the cost hit her at once. Clever lady!

Now that your kids have gone back to school and you have finished purchasing everything that they need, how about thinking about your own back to school assignments and getting supplies for those?

For a limited time (until the end of September), I am running a Create Your Own Back to School Kit. Put together any of your favourite items and get 20% off! Not sure what to get? Mix and match some of my best sellers.

Once you have finished shopping online, put in the discount code POWBTS to receive your 20% discount!

Pure Satisfaction. This topical gel contains L-arginine which increases blood flow into the tissues. What does this do? It gets you in the mood a whole lot faster, helps women lubricate easier, and gives powerful orgasms! (Not for pregnant women - we don’t want you going into premature labour!!).

Revelation Lubricant. This water-based lubricant is designed to feel like a silicone lubricant. What is the result? An incredibly versatile lubricant with a silky feel, long-lasting action and no stickiness after sex! A true favourite, this item comes highly recommended by scores of my clients.

D’Lickious. This edible can be used on him or her to greatly enhance oral sex. Not only does the tingling sensation add to the fun, but the flavour can actually help calm her gag reflex (a big bonus for most of the women I meet). This is a huge favourite with the men, but it is great for the women too!

The Progressor. This is the couple’s toy which gets rave reviews from my clients. Slip the sleeve on him so that it vibrates on her during intercourse and your chances of having simultaneous orgasms will go through the roof. Slip the sleeve off the toy and it converts to a bullet adding even more versatility to this popular product.

The Gigi. In any couple’s relationship, there will be a time where intercourse is not possible (when it is “that” time of the month, she has just had a baby, one person is ill, etc.), but you still want to maintain sexual intimacy. This sleeve for him is perfect for those times and is an excellent couple’s toy!

Passion Parties Adult Toy Cleanser. Protect your investment by getting the proper cleanser for your toys. This concentrate is mixed with water and it lasts and lasts.

Communication 101

OK kids!   How did your time together go?  Did you recreate your first date?  Did you go the Happy Camper route?  Did you check out the airport and watch planes come in?  Whatever you did, the point was spending time together - quality time together.  I hope that you did, and hope that you will share some of that with us all in the comments, so we can all learn together!

Alright, this is school, so put your books away, clean off your desks, get out a clean piece of paper and let’s take a pop quiz!  True or False. 50/50 chance of getting it wrong right.  (These questions and the follow up information come from Michele Weiner-Davis’ “The Marriage Breakthrough” seminar © 2001.  Used with permission.)

1. Conflict and Anger are signs that your relationship is failing.

False All relationships are subject to rocky ups and downs.  Many people feel that their marriage/relationship is doomed because they argue.  THIS IS NOT THE CASE.  Passionate people are passionate in all areas.  Some of the most passionate people in the bedroom have some of the most passionate arguments.  I worry more about relationships where the two people “never argue”.  That can be indicative of a sexless marriage as well - one with no passion anywhere in it.  How we resolve conflict and how we fight are much more important indicators.  When Eric and I went through pre-marital counseling one of the greatest tips we were given was to set the ground-rules for how we would fight.  We were not so naïve as to believe that we would not fight, so we had to agree up front to fight fair, and we set strict rules about what we could and could not do or say in an argument.  We have lived by those rules and updated them constantly as we change and grow.

2. You’re more likely to divorce if there are differences in your beliefs, backgrounds or interests

False Research shows that people who remain happily married are not necessarily more similar to each other than those who divorce.  They just learn effective ways of managing their differences and nurturing the things they do have in common.  So all that talk about “how can we stay together when we’re so different” or “we need to get a divorce because we’ve grown apart” is complete bunk.  When Eric was growing up he always assumed that he would marry a good little Texan girl who grew up trained to be a Southern Belle, and loved to cook, clean and sew.  I can tell you honestly, he was 0-fer on those.  Our compatibility had very little to do with how much we had in common.  I didn’t even like the Dallas Cowboys when we met - and that was borderline heretical!

3. In healthy relationships, major disagreements get resolved over time.

False Research tells us that approximately 60% of what couples argue about is un-resolvable.  The issues couples disagree about in the beginning of their relationship are the same things they disagree about years down the road.  What does change is the way in which they handle their disagreements.  (if you have trained them right, the men just give in over time)  Ok, I kid about that part.  The true nature of maturity, both as an individual and as a couple, is developing and growing our ability to appropriately and effectively handle issues and conflict - not our ability to avoid them.  Shumley Boteach (Host of “Shalom in the Home”) has said, “wrestling with our humanity is the very stuff of living.  In life, righteousness is defined not through perfection, but rather through struggle.  It is our endeavor to try and to do the right thing amid a predilection to do otherwise that makes us unique, not the fact that we always choose the right thing.”

4. Couples should have a shared definition of what it means to be loving.

False Too often people tell themselves, “If you loved me you would feel the same way I do about _________.”  Everyone communicates differently.  There is nothing better about one form of communication over another.  The trick is to learn HOW to hear what the other is saying.  Gary Chapman wrote the groundbreaking book on the “5 Love Languages”.  In summary he explains that there are 5 ways we can communicate our love, and while all of us can do each one of them there is often a primary way that we prefer to have love communicated to us.

The 5 languages are:

Words of Affirmation
Mark Twain once said “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”  Verbal appreciation speaks powerfully to persons whose primary Love Language is “Words of Affirmation.”  Simple statements, such as, “You look great in that suit,” or “You must be the best baker in the world! I love your oatmeal cookies,” are sometimes all a person needs to hear to feel loved.

Quality Time
Quality time is more than mere proximity. It’s about focusing all your energy on your mate. A husband watching sports while talking to his wife is NOT quality time. Unless all of your attention is focused on your mate, even an intimate dinner for two can come and go without a minute of quality time being shared.

Receiving Gifts
Some mates respond well to visual symbols of love. If you speak this love language, you are more likely to treasure any gift as an expression of love and devotion. People who speak this love language often feel that a lack of gifts represents a lack of love from their mate. Luckily, this love language is one of the easiest to learn.

Acts of Service
Sometimes simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of love. Even simple things like laundry and taking out the trash require some form of planning, time, effort, and energy.  Doing humble chores can be a very powerful expression of love and devotion to your mate.

Physical Touch
Many mates feel the most loved when they receive physical contact from their partner. For a mate who speaks this love language loudly, physical touch can make or break the relationship.

Sexual intercourse makes many mates feel secure and loved in a marriage. However, it is only one dialect of physical touch. Many parts of the body are extremely sensitive to stimulation. It is important to discover how your partner not only physically responds but also psychologically responds to these touches.

Ok.  Turn in your quizzes.

How did you do?  It’s ok no matter what you scored - you’re here to learn right?  You know what I really love about the 5 Love Languages?  They are all the basics that you can see in any school setting through the innocence of children.  Let’s go to the playground for recess and you can see what I am talking about.

Words of Affirmation are always found on the playground.  Little Johnny can tell Suzie that her dress is awful pretty, or that he likes he curls, or he can tell her how impressed he is that she can run faster than any boy in class!  All he is doing is expressing appreciation for her.

To see Quality Time in action let’s head over to the swing set.  This is one of the best examples of quality time.  Little Johnny can push Suzie in the swing for the entire recess period and both of them be happy about it.  He is paying complete attention to her and making sure that she is going as high as she wants to.  She is being doted on because he is listening to her and responding to her wishes.  The communication can be as simple as “higher!” or “that’s too high!” but it is so much deeper than just the words.  She is communicating a need and he is meeting it.  She is being heard and she knows it because he changes in reaction to it.  That is the quintessential quality time: proximity, focused attention and truly hearing the other’s needs.

Receiving Gifts is also in full display at school.  Sometimes it might not work out so well, like when Little Johnny gives Suzie his prized frog he caught.  Sometimes it does, like when Suzie gives Little Johnny a pen because he left his at home.  It is simply giving to someone else something that has value - either to you or to them.  It is especially impactful when the item has value to both parties - such as when Little Johnny breaks his homemade chocolate chip cookie in half and slides a piece to Suzie during snack time.  Giving a gift in a public setting also has extra value because Suzie’s friends see the transaction and they get to talk about it afterwards, thereby increasing the importance of the gift and it’s attached meaning.  This is why brining your lover flowers home is a wonderful thing to do, but having them delivered to her at work or when she is sure to be in front of friends is even more impactful.

Acts of Service is almost ubiquitous in school settings.  How often do you see people offer to carry books, or open a door or help with homework?  These are all acts of service that tell the person that they are important.  It communicates very clearly that I see you and I know you.  And because of that, I am aware of what your needs are and I am going to go out of my way to meet those needs.  Acts of service require us to be aware and to be self-starters.  See a need and get up and meet that need (preferably before you are asked to do so).  If there is a piece of clothing on the floor - pick it up!  If there are dishes in the sink - put them in the dishwasher, or <gasp> wash them yourself!  If he’s mowing the lawn and you can tell that it is hot outside, take him a big glass of his favorite ice-cold beverage.  The key: notice and be proactive - don’t wait to be asked.

Physical Touch is probably the easiest to see on the playground.  Everyone of us has played tag before.  What is the basic point?  To touch!  Remember the swing set where quality time is camping out?  In order to push someone on the swing you have to touch them.  Win a game and high five?  Touch.  Punch a buddy in the arm? Touch.  Almost all the games we create on the playground requires some level of touch.  Our relationships are no different.  Yes, every guy wants to claim Physical Touch as their primary love language in the hopes that their wife will read “sex is my love language.”  But stereotyping aside, there is more to physical touch than simply sex in a relationship.  It can be a gentle caress as you walk by your lover.  A lingering hug that promises more.  A quick peck on the cheek just to say hi.  Holding hands in a public area.  Cuddling on the couch while watching a movie.  Physical touch is a way of reminding the person that you are there for them - that they are not alone.  Our bodies and minds respond to touch.  Studies have shown that infants who receive hugs and touch every day will develop better cognitively.  My daughter’s class last year sang the “Four Hugs a Day” for all the parents as a reminder to everyone of the importance of physical contact for showing love, support and connectedness.

So your assignment this time?  Head out to the playground with your lover and through practice and patience try out all the love languages and see what you respond to best and which one you are most fluent in.  Take some notes.  Learn with each other.  Copying off of your lover’s work is highly encouraged!!

Then each day, go out of your way to intentionally speak your lover’s Love Language at least once - every day!!

There’s the bell!  Go play!!

First Day of Class

Welcome everyone!  Let’s all find a seat.

Just so you know, as much as possible I am going to try and follow along with the basic structure of elementary school.  I like elementary school because it really does have a little bit of something for everyone.  Research shows that women are more comfortable listening when someone is talking and then having people listen when they talk.  Check.  We get that in elementary school.  Men, on the other hand, generally prefer activities - doing things, making things, building things and knocking them down, physical exertion.  Check.  We get that in elementary school.  We’re going to do a little of all of it.  SO…men be prepared to join the women for the “lecture and discussion” portion of this class, and women be prepared to join the men on the “playground” for some quality “recreation” time.

And speaking of time.  One of elementary school’s strengths is that it is a planned, scheduled and required activity.  Albeit with some bitching and complaining every now and then, kids know that they are in class every Monday to Friday from 8ish to 3ish.  We, however, will not be taking that much of your time.  What we will be doing (and by “we” I mean “y’all”) is committing to spend a certain amount of time every day doing the homework laid out in this course.  It won’t be burdensome I promise.  In fact, I bet you’ll end up really enjoying it.  But, just like a relationship, you will only get out of this what you put into it.  Time matters.  It matters to this exercise, and it matters to your lover.  So if you have not been putting an appropriate amount of time in your relationship of late, here is your chance to start.  Carve out some time for each other - time spent in close proximity to each other! Time with just the two of you.  Find that time!  No kids, no relatives, no buddies, no friends, no extended family.  Just the two of you.  Once the two of you are alone together, we will begin with the basics.

In almost everyone’s life we have had a teacher who, on the first day of school, makes us write an essay on “What I Did This Summer.”  We are supposed to reflect back on the summer and think about our favorite things we did.  (Then they suck the joy out of those events by making us write an essay about them.)  Our first assignment flows from that idea, but no essay!!

I want you to think back to when you two first met.  What were your favorite things you did?  Eric and I used to go eat Mexican food at a place called Tia’s in Arlington, Texas every Thursday night before a college group meeting on campus.  We talked about our lives, learned about each other, told stories about our past and shared dreams of our futures.  Sometimes we would go to DFW airport and park the car right in front of the tarmac and watch the planes land and take off right over our heads.  We’d imagine where they were going and what adventures they were taking and what we’d do if we were going to the same place.  “That plane is going to New York City.  If I were on it, I’d be going to watch musicals on Broadway” or “I’d be going to Yankee Stadium to watch every game of their next home stand.”  And yes, we really were that stereotypical.

What did you do when you first met and started spending time together?  Think about the activities you did, but also think about why you did them.  What drew you to each other?  Was it that intriguing twinkle in his eye that promised adventure?  Was it the lipstick she wore that you just had to kiss?  Was it a shared love for something?  Was it an animal-like attraction that made you just want to eat them up?  There was something that drew you together at the very beginnings.  What was it?  Think about it and then talk about it with each other.  Share those memories.  So many couples tell me, “I don’t know why we don’t do that anymore…I guess we just got too busy.”  Something in those activates drew you together.  Figure it out with each other - you might be surprised what it was for them.  Then, figure out if it is something you can do again.  Make a list of what you used to do, and start doing some of them again.  If it seems awkward at first, it is okay.  Remember that it is an assignment, so you can blame it on that if you need to.  But get out there and start.

Want bonus points?  Recreate your first date and surprise your lover by taking them on your first date all over again.

Ok, ok, I can already hear the grumblings and complaining from the back of the class.  I know there is someone out there who only did those things to impress the girl and had no real interest in actually doing those things or going to those places.  (The same can often be said of the girls too.  Not all of us actually enjoy sitting on the couch all Sunday afternoon watching football and listening to you comment on the game. - Eric, if that sounds awkwardly familiar, I am only saying that to help others out…I really did enjoy that.  No really, I did.  Honest…)

Here’s how to settle that.  I have heard this exercise called many things, but my personal favorite is the “Happy Camper Date”.  The basic premise of this is that one of you gets to pick what YOU want to do on the date.  The other one goes along without a word or look of disdain.  You who are not as ecstatically happy about the event of the evening are going to be a “Happy Camper” no matter what.  If she wants to go to an antique quilting show (and even I would sympathize with you on that) you will go and convince everyone there that you are as pleased a punch to be there.  No one should have an inkling of an idea that you are not as engaged as she is.  Why?  Because it is important to her.  And she is what you are all about that night.  If it makes her happy, then it makes you happy.  Don’t worry - it works both ways.  Next time, when it is your turn to pick and the monster truck rally is in town, guess who is going to be proudly wearing a Grave Digger t-shirt next to you in the arena?

I also know that the next question (because I am going to ignore all those questions about monster trucks and how I even knew the name of one of them) will revolve around kids/money/time.  Some version of “But we can do that because we (a) don’t have the money (b) can’t get/pay for a sitter (c) don’t have schedules that allow for that (d) all of the above - I don’t have time to work extra jobs so that I can make enough money to pay for a sitter for my kids.  For me, this one is all about priorities.  When you commit to the class, you commit to being creative.  Find another couple who will “take the class” with you.  Then you can trade off watching each other’s kids for date night.  No cost option!  As far as time goes…make time!  This is your most important relationship - act like it.  It is a simple matter of priorities.  I am not asking you to commit to going out every night.  Start with once and build from there.  And as far as money goes, do something that doesn’t cost a lot (or anything).  One of the reasons we watched planes come in was because we were in college and cheap.  Other reasons included privacy and unlimited opportunity to make-out, but I digress.

My last strongly worded admonition.  During these times: women - focus on “doing” and men - focus on “talking”.  I realize that neither of you may know how to do either of those things well (or at least at a level of competence that your lover would find fully pleasing).  But that is why it is so important.  We are learning the basics here - practice makes perfect, remember?

Back to School - for you!

“BACK TO SCHOOL”

One of those phrases that can strike fear and loathing into your heart or get you very very excited.  Often times the former is the older kids and the latter is either young students or parents!  As fall begins to approach we see the gearing up for back to school happening all around us.  Even if you don’t have kids of your own, you cannot help but be caught up in the marketing that dominates every store from now through the start of September.  And if you do have kids…well, then you are already in the midst of buying clothes and back packs and lunch pails and pens and notebooks and scissors and glue and every other item on the rather extensive “school supply” list that you have.  But once the first day excitement (or drama) wanes, the day to day routine will set in: bedtimes become more consistent, alarms start getting set in kids rooms again, lunches are made, after school activities start up, homework starts being done (hopefully!) and days start setting back into routine.  Kids know that everyday will consist of Reading, Writing and Arithmetic will some electives thrown in and, most importantly, some form of recess!  The details might differ, but the basics are the same everywhere.

Many of you might be looking forward to the start of school, especially if you are like me and you have been on deck for your young children all day every day.  I feel like I have been the main entertainment center for my 5-year-old daughter since pre-school ended in June.  Working from home with little ones running around in the summer is like a three-month oxymoron!  Personally, I can’t wait for school to start.  Peace and quiet in the house from 8:30am to 3:15pm every weekday!?  Are you kidding me?  I am doing the happy dance even thinking about it!!

As adults, we often think about back-to-school as a childhood phenomenon.  We remember the bells ringing, the teachers, the classes we liked (or didn’t) and for sure we remember recess.  But back-to-school is not about us now, or only tangentially at best.  I have to admit though, that school really is a great way to learn.  It forces us to focus on information daily.  We do get better by repetition.  Practice does make perfect.  And for children one of the most important things we can do for them is help build a solid foundation.  But what about us?  Adults.  Are there things we need to learn, or re-learn?  What can we be practicing every day that will make us better at the foundational stuff?

Oh, I am not talking about reading, writing or math for us.  I am talking relationships. (note the subtle yet ingenious segue)  For many of us we need to take a lesson from elementary school and get back to the basics.  SO for the next bit, we are going BACK TO SCHOOL.  Our courses will be a little different.  I am not concerned if little Johnny can’t read, but I am very concerned that John can’t communicate with his wife.  I am not focusing on little Suzie not working and playing well with others in the classroom, but I am very focused on helping Susan work and play well in the bedroom!  Our curriculum will focus on communication, intimacy, and yes, sex.

Bells going to ring soon…who’s with me?  Don’t make me take attendance!!