Hint #49

Ever thought of flexing a little muscle in the bedroom?  Clench your buttocks and upper thigh muscles before making out.  It helps increase the blood flow to your pelvic area and sensitivity of your genitalia.

Power Play - A Guest Q&A

In my line of work, I see couples who have all sorts of tastes and proclivities in their sex lives. They run from “plain vanilla” to the downright exotic. As a die-hard marriage enthusiast, my main objective in working with these couples is to ensure that their communication skills about their sex life get better and better with each passing year, and that they are able to meet each other’s needs, desires and secret fantasies in a way which builds strength into the marriage rather than weakening it. Regardless of what the couple engages in privately, I believe that respect, trust and genuine care for each other are essential for a sex life to thrive.

In this guest post, I have decided to give you a look into the lives of a couple who tend more to the exotic end of the scale. A simple anonymous Q&A seemed like the best way to convey the information.  When this couple first came to me, they were secretly battling a sexless marriage. Finding the ways to even broach the subject of sex was a chore. Years later, they have found their stride in an area of sexuality which is still incredibly taboo.

Let’s start with the basics - a simple explanation.  What is “power play” in the bedroom?
He said:

Power play in the bedroom is not about blowing off steam or venting a day’s frustrations. It’s about pleasuring my wife by dominating her physically and sexually, but not emotionally or mentally.

For us, it’s an escape, a fantasy world- like dressing up as pirates or policemen. Because heavy-handed domination isn’t part of our daily relationship, it’s a creative way for us to escape sexually.

She said:

Power play is, for me, a welcome escape from being a wife and mother.  Instead of being the responsible one, I get to surrender all control and just enjoy my husband and some rocking sex.  It’s really refreshing.  I suspect that a lot of women who enjoy this type of play are strong and competent in everyday life. Isn’t that what a fantasy is, escaping by pretending to be someone you aren’t?

This isn’t the only kind of sex we enjoy- it’s just one more way that we can experience intimacy, one more option to choose from.  Sometimes we have very tender sex.

There is so much respect in this- you have to understand that the thought of being humiliated is not sexy, and my husband would never do that.  He would never say horrid things to me, even as part of a fantasy.  But for me being physically dominated by my husband is totally safe, and actually comforting- it took a lot of courage for him to spank me the first time, there had to be trust both ways.  I don’t think that we could enjoy this kind of play if there wasn’t deep trust already established.

So what made you try this?

He said:

I was actually quite surprised to discover my wife had domination fantasies. She’s always been a very dominant woman- not specifically with regard to sex, but in the rest of our life. We really do run our marriage relationship on pretty equal grounds, and while we both have our areas of responsibility where we tend to control things, overall we work together as equals. Finding out she really got off on being tied down or handled a bit roughly really marked a significant place in our sexual relationship.

I was raised to thoroughly respect women, and of course once I was married, that meant being respectful in bed as well. Proper foreplay, ensuring my wife’s pleasure before mine, and never “using” her for my own satisfaction were all part of that respect. Oh, she’d sometimes tell me to just get my sex on and not worry about her, but I never was comfortable actually doing so. But once I began to understand (with her help) that what really turned her was not particularly the act of “taking her”, but more the excitement she got from being dominated by me, I was able to relax about the whole thing and really get into it.

What really opened up this whole aspect of our sexuality for us was when we read Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty novels together. We never actually made it through the whole series, but it was enough to make my wife sit up and say “That’s what turns my crank!” It took a while before I was able to adjust my own attitudes enough to be comfortable turning her over my knees and spanking her till she was bright red, but it certainly helped, seeing how much being dominated really fired her up! It definitely makes adjustment easier when there’s such a positive and immediate return for the effort.

She said:

Reading those stories was a huge step out of our comfort zone, and something that not all couples will be comfortable with.  But realising that there are a lot of ways that couples can express their sexuality got us talking about what turned us on, got us open to experimenting more.  And it’s an ongoing conversation.  We love road trips, because we can talk in total privacy for the whole time!

We experimented a tiny bit at a time- we certainly didn’t just jump in at the deep end with restraints and a flogger.  Every once in a while, something new gets tried, either after a conversation we’ve had, or sometimes I think it’s just instinct.

Do you have any advice for other couples?

He said:

Stepping out of your comfort zone sexually requires a huge amount of trust, we’ve mentioned before. If you feel that there is a lack of trust between you and your spouse, you should really work to correct that before experimenting with something new or potentially dangerous. Power play can easily become abuse unless you both know exactly where your partner is emotionally, and that’s the last thing you want in a relationship.

She said:

Talk about what interests you.  Work to create a safe atmosphere in the bedroom and experiment.  Be sure to let each other know what you like and don’t like.  Start small.  If power play piques your interest, try playing with restraints or a blindfold.

He said:

I’d also add that once you’ve talked about it, don’t go crazy and buy a huge pile of ‘gadgets’. Experiment with what you have around the house- use a necktie for a blindfold (the silk is very sensual); use a bathrobe tie as a restraint; use an old, soft leather belt as a flogger. Once you know what you both really like, it’s well worth it to invest in some commercial toys that will really enhance your play together. Some of the things we’ve found fun are nipple clamps, a nice flogger with lots of tiny strands (adds more sensation than a belt or paddle-style flogger while actually being gentler), silky ropes (you can buy special ones that attach to your bed, but we just bought a few metres of soft rope from the fabric supply store), and of course a blindfold is a staple in power play. Many couples also enjoy costuming that enhances the power disparity- examples would include the French Maid and Secretary outfits for women, and if it’s the guy who’s being submissive, there’s the popular Handyman and Pool Boy fantasies. Whatever your choice, remember, it’s about mutual fun and pleasure.

So have a blast, and play safe!

Hint #42

If you want to bring a little more “imagination” into the bedroom, why not read a little erotic literature?  Take turns reading hot and steamy passages out loud.

How do you practice intimacy outside the bedroom?

How to determine what is right/wrong in the bedroom

In this short Q&A, Eryn-Faye, Canada’s Passion Coach, answers an audience member’s question about how to determine what is “right” or “wrong” in the marriage bed. As this clip is a short cut-in from a longer segment, we do want to emphasize that obvious physical health concerns play an important role regarding any decision a person makes.

Download this file as a .mov file for your Quick Time player OR as a .m4v file for your ipod OR as a .mp3 file to listen to the audio on itunes

Hint #35

If you’re the one that tends to take a passive role in the bedroom, its time to take charge.  If you’re normally the one that rules the roost, take a back seat for once.  Switch your roles in the bedroom for a thrilling change of pace.

Anal Sex in Marriage - A Guest Post

It’s a beautiful evening and the kids are gone to grandma’s house.  There is a fire in the fireplace, the candles are lit, and the music is low and sultry.  You are kissing and fondling and things are quickly moving to the next level when you feel your husband’s fingers at the entrance of the forbidden zone!  Oh no, wait, that isn’t his finger at all!  As this realization hits your face, your wonderful soul-mate husband of many years leans over and whispers in your ear…”feeling adventurous?”

Ever happened to you?  Well, this scenario (with various different changes) is played out in marital beds all over.  I’ve had women to ask me why in the world their husband seems so infatuated with their bottom.  To me the answer is pretty simple.  Men get sexual gratification from sticking their member into small damp holes.  Once a man and woman are married, their bodies belong to each other.  Of course it’s only natural for a husband to think of all the places he can go with it.  The three holes that are large enough to accommodate a penis are the mouth, vagina, and anus.  A simple, mildly blunt explanation as to why a husband may be intrigued or interested in anal sex.

It would be unfair though; to say that husbands are the only ones interested in back door play.  Many women are also curious about this ‘taboo’ subject.  In my own marriage, I have always been the aggressor when it comes to anal play/sex.  I had experimented myself during some alone time and found that there really are some nerve endings at the entrance of the anus that feel so pleasurable when stimulated!  I told my husband about it and asked if he minded using a finger there from time to time during intercourse.  The results were mind-blowing orgasms that made me melt and made him feel pretty good too!

So… how does a couple know if it’s really okay to try anal sex?  I firmly believe that a married couple should feel free to try almost anything they want to in their own marriage bed.  I draw the line at involving a third party, which includes other people physically and also pornography (this could be a whole other article in itself).  A healthy marriage is between the husband, wife, and God.  I also draw the line with sex acts that will hurt or demean one of you.  If you are involved in an act that makes you feel humiliated or degraded, then that act is unhealthy for your marriage.  That is a gateway for resentment to set in.

Anal sex can be very pleasurable for some women.  (Notice I said some and not all.)  We hear about orgasms that start from the clitoris or from the G-spot, but there are many women out there who swear that they have had orgasms originating from their anus.  I believe them because it’s happened to me as well.  But for all the women who claim to love anal sex, there seem to be just as many who don’t like it at all.  For some women it seems degrading and for others it’s uncomfortable or just down right painful.  Communication is so important here.  If you are curious about it, then TALK to your spouse!  Ask them how they feel about trying some anal play.  Find out if he/she is uncomfortable with the idea.  Discuss any concerns openly with each other.  There are some possible medical issues that could result from participating in anal sex, including infection and damage to the rectum, so it would be wise to research this together before deciding on trying it. If you find that your concerns and uneasiness outweigh the curiosity and eagerness, then you probably need to stop and back up a bit.  If you and your spouse have researched this topic and feel like it is something you’d like to try together, then here are a few things to keep in mind.

• You need to start small with a pinky finger or similar sized toy and gradually work your way up to the size of the husband’s penis.  You may find that you can’t accommodate your husband’s penis but you do like the feel of his index finger.
• STOP if you get to something that hurts. DO NOT try to “push past the pain.”  If there is pain it’s there for a reason and should be taken as a warning.  You are looking for sexual pleasure, not something that hurts you.
• There is no such thing as too much lube. Use copious amounts of it, all over you and your husband.  Use the amount you think you’ll need, and then add some more.
• Go slow and let her be in charge. Let her choose the position that she likes and allow her to set the pace.  It may take several minutes for her to be able to handle the full monty, so be patient and wait until she is ready for more.  Short, slow strokes are best to start off with.

You may wonder how in the world anal sex can deepen intimacy in marriage.  Over the last few years I’ve heard many stories of this, including one woman who wrote to me explaining how she had been sexually active with several other men before marrying her husband.  In her marriage, anal sex was a very intimate and bonding act for the simple reason that she had never had anal sex with any other man.  Her promiscuous past included vaginal sex with other men, but they both knew that the only man she had ever had anal intercourse with was her husband.  Thus, it became a very intimate act between them.

Like all other sex acts, this is a decision that is left up to each individual couple.  Anal sex isn’t for everyone.  It’s not the be-all end-all sex act.  It’s simply one out of hundreds of things that a married couple should feel free to try, if they both want to.  If both of you aren’t on the same page about it, then choose another book.  It shouldn’t be a divisive issue.  So communicate, research, and make a decision together.  And above all, have fun!

Cumingirl is a devoted wife and full time mom of two living in the USA.  She is one of the co-creators of www.christiannymphos.org.  Their website is considered by many to be groundbreaking in its ability to intertwine sex and the Christian faith.  The site was launched as a way to teach married women to walk in sexual freedom with their husbands.

What’s All the BUZZ About?

From pre-engaged individuals to those with over 30 years of marriage - people always seem to have the same questions when it comes to the “taboo” subject of bedroom toys.  And so many don’t know where to go for the answers. But now it’s finally here!  Eryn-Faye’s first behind the scenes e-book focused specifically on Bedroom Toys.

From the perspective that only Canada’s Passion Coach can bring, Eryn-Faye targets the questions you are asking with the answers you are seeking. Eryn-Faye covers it all - from the basics of what a bedroom toy is (and isn’t) to how to talk about them with your lover.

With her trademark humor and frankness, she broaches topics you care about - Are they dirty?  Can I get addicted to them?  Why would I even want one? It’s all in there.  Wondering if you (or your lover) will become “unnecessary”?  She covers that too.

From communication skills to the infamous “walk of shame” when leaving an adult bookstore - Eryn-Faye deals with all of it. The Top 8 Questions Couples Ask About Bedroom Toys are all in here.

Isn’t it time you stopped wondering and started knowing?

You can purchase What’s All the BUZZ About for just $5 USD.

Simply click the Add to Cart button to purchase this exciting eBook!

Hint #27

Does your bedroom need a little fix me up when it comes to transforming it into a “shag den”?  Take a quick look around…if you have pictures of your kids, best friends, or parents, think about relocating them to the family room.  Do you have candles and matches easily accessible?  Do you have sexy music at your finger tips?  It doesn’t take much, but the small things will go a long way to boosting your libido.

(in honor of Hallowen) Have you ever dressed up in the bedroom?

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