Ever thought of flexing a little muscle in the bedroom? Clench your buttocks and upper thigh muscles before making out. It helps increase the blood flow to your pelvic area and sensitivity of your genitalia.
If you want to bring a little more “imagination” into the bedroom, why not read a little erotic literature? Take turns reading hot and steamy passages out loud.
In this short Q&A, Eryn-Faye, Canada’s Passion Coach, answers an audience member’s question about how to determine what is “right” or “wrong” in the marriage bed. As this clip is a short cut-in from a longer segment, we do want to emphasize that obvious physical health concerns play an important role regarding any decision a person makes.
Download this file as a .mov file for your Quick Time player OR as a .m4v file for your ipod OR as a .mp3 file to listen to the audio on itunes
If you’re the one that tends to take a passive role in the bedroom, its time to take charge. If you’re normally the one that rules the roost, take a back seat for once. Switch your roles in the bedroom for a thrilling change of pace.
It’s a beautiful evening and the kids are gone to grandma’s house. There is a fire in the fireplace, the candles are lit, and the music is low and sultry. You are kissing and fondling and things are quickly moving to the next level when you feel your husband’s fingers at the entrance of the forbidden zone! Oh no, wait, that isn’t his finger at all! As this realization hits your face, your wonderful soul-mate husband of many years leans over and whispers in your ear…”feeling adventurous?”
Ever happened to you? Well, this scenario (with various different changes) is played out in marital beds all over. I’ve had women to ask me why in the world their husband seems so infatuated with their bottom. To me the answer is pretty simple. Men get sexual gratification from sticking their member into small damp holes. Once a man and woman are married, their bodies belong to each other. Of course it’s only natural for a husband to think of all the places he can go with it. The three holes that are large enough to accommodate a penis are the mouth, vagina, and anus. A simple, mildly blunt explanation as to why a husband may be intrigued or interested in anal sex.
It would be unfair though; to say that husbands are the only ones interested in back door play. Many women are also curious about this ‘taboo’ subject. In my own marriage, I have always been the aggressor when it comes to anal play/sex. I had experimented myself during some alone time and found that there really are some nerve endings at the entrance of the anus that feel so pleasurable when stimulated! I told my husband about it and asked if he minded using a finger there from time to time during intercourse. The results were mind-blowing orgasms that made me melt and made him feel pretty good too!
So… how does a couple know if it’s really okay to try anal sex? I firmly believe that a married couple should feel free to try almost anything they want to in their own marriage bed. I draw the line at involving a third party, which includes other people physically and also pornography (this could be a whole other article in itself). A healthy marriage is between the husband, wife, and God. I also draw the line with sex acts that will hurt or demean one of you. If you are involved in an act that makes you feel humiliated or degraded, then that act is unhealthy for your marriage. That is a gateway for resentment to set in.
Anal sex can be very pleasurable for some women. (Notice I said some and not all.) We hear about orgasms that start from the clitoris or from the G-spot, but there are many women out there who swear that they have had orgasms originating from their anus. I believe them because it’s happened to me as well. But for all the women who claim to love anal sex, there seem to be just as many who don’t like it at all. For some women it seems degrading and for others it’s uncomfortable or just down right painful. Communication is so important here. If you are curious about it, then TALK to your spouse! Ask them how they feel about trying some anal play. Find out if he/she is uncomfortable with the idea. Discuss any concerns openly with each other. There are some possible medical issues that could result from participating in anal sex, including infection and damage to the rectum, so it would be wise to research this together before deciding on trying it. If you find that your concerns and uneasiness outweigh the curiosity and eagerness, then you probably need to stop and back up a bit. If you and your spouse have researched this topic and feel like it is something you’d like to try together, then here are a few things to keep in mind.
- You need to start small with a pinky finger or similar sized toy and gradually work your way up to the size of the husband’s penis. You may find that you can’t accommodate your husband’s penis but you do like the feel of his index finger.
- STOP if you get to something that hurts. DO NOT try to “push past the pain.” If there is pain it’s there for a reason and should be taken as a warning. You are looking for sexual pleasure, not something that hurts you.
- There is no such thing as too much lube. Use copious amounts of it, all over you and your husband. Use the amount you think you’ll need, and then add some more.
- Go slow and let her be in charge. Let her choose the position that she likes and allow her to set the pace. It may take several minutes for her to be able to handle the full monty, so be patient and wait until she is ready for more. Short, slow strokes are best to start off with.
You may wonder how in the world anal sex can deepen intimacy in marriage. Over the last few years I’ve heard many stories of this, including one woman who wrote to me explaining how she had been sexually active with several other men before marrying her husband. In her marriage, anal sex was a very intimate and bonding act for the simple reason that she had never had anal sex with any other man. Her promiscuous past included vaginal sex with other men, but they both knew that the only man she had ever had anal intercourse with was her husband. Thus, it became a very intimate act between them.
Like all other sex acts, this is a decision that is left up to each individual couple. Anal sex isn’t for everyone. It’s not the be-all end-all sex act. It’s simply one out of hundreds of things that a married couple should feel free to try, if they both want to. If both of you aren’t on the same page about it, then choose another book. It shouldn’t be a divisive issue. So communicate, research, and make a decision together. And above all, have fun!
Cumingirl is a devoted wife and full time mom of two living in the USA. She is one of the co-creators of www.christiannymphos.org. Their website is considered by many to be groundbreaking in its ability to intertwine sex and the Christian faith. The site was launched as a way to teach married women to walk in sexual freedom with their husbands.
Does your bedroom need a little fix me up when it comes to transforming it into a “shag den”? Take a quick look around…if you have pictures of your kids, best friends, or parents, think about relocating them to the family room. Do you have candles and matches easily accessible? Do you have sexy music at your finger tips? It doesn’t take much, but the small things will go a long way to boosting your libido.
62 Days Later…
Back in June, I issued a challenge to my readers to have sex every day for from June 15th to August 15th. The 62 Day Challenge.
Who out there took the challenge?
What did you find?
What was your favourite part?
Allow me to say that I have a general rule wherein I do not reveal the nitty-gritty’s of my sex life with Eric because it is, well, ours. However, I do think it is important to highlight some of the things we learned throughout the challenge. So here are some of my thoughts on the past two months.
- We figured out very soon into the challenge that with this level of consistency, there was no such thing as “a quickie”. This side effect had its pros and cons. On the pro side, it gave us the time – indeed it forced us – to be creative. Sex very simply could not be the same old routine because one of the basic elements – time – had changed. On the con side, I needed to be prepared all the time. Bottles of lubricant were omnipresent.
- A broken foot is very difficult to work around. Early in the challenge I fell and broke my foot. Everyone has assumed I was doing something kinky during the challenge but the true story is very dull – I tripped over Eric’s slippers. I have to be honest and admit that in the early days when the break was fresh, I chose to bond with the Extra Strength Advil rather than bonding sexually with my husband. Having said that, the pain does abate over time and it is possible to have sex with a cast on. Just for the record.
- Gastro-intestinal viruses and sex do not mix. There is just a “yuck” factor of having sex with all the physical manifestations of such a virus. Enough said.
- Skype sex is a fun concept for long distance intimacy unless you are staying at someone’s house. The mood is quickly doused when the hostess wants to talk to you as much as your husband does. Especially when he is staying in the living room on the couch.
- We both loved the fact that sex was a given. Instead of doing the initiation dance (who is going to initiate and when is s/he going to do it?) it was an unspoken agreement that it would just happen. Both of us were working towards the goal of getting it done. It brought a heightened sense of teamwork into this part of our relationship.
- Our desire to have sex grew. The more we had, the more we wanted. I was a bit surprised by this development. I thought I would be satiated the more I had, but the reverse actually took place. This made me do quite a bit of contemplation on the “use it or lose it” theory.
- Finally, we had fun. We laughed more, joked together more, flirted more, and enjoyed each other more. That alone was worth the price of admission.
Do you have any stories to tell? You have the advantage of being anonymous, so let us know if anything outrageous, hilarious or even sweet happened with you and your lover during the challenge. (and even if you didn’t take the challenge, feel free to share why you didn’t or what kept you from it – we’re all friends here an nobody judges!!)
Viennese Oyster. The Amazon. The Hammock. The Screw. Reverse Spoon. Lap-dancing Cowgirl. The Snow Plow. The Butterfly Effect. The Rickshaw. The Happy Landing. Yin Yang. The Stick Shift. The Three O’clock Appointment. The Slinky. Rock a Thigh Baby. Deep Impact. The Splitter. The Lazy Dog. Standing Tall. Bend Over Backwards.
What do these terms all have in common? They are all sexual positions.
For centuries men and women have been trying all sorts of positions and giving them interesting names. (In fact the oldest sex manual in the world is the Chinese ‘Handbooks of Sex’ written 5,000 years ago by Emperor Huang-Ti, 2697-2598 B.C.) And yet, despite the wide variety of options that we have imagined, conceived and invented, couples still report their favourites to be:
- Man on top (aka: Missionary Position)
- Woman on top (aka: Cowgirl)
- Rear-entry position (aka: Doggie Style)
Now, there are obvious advantages to these positions. In the doggie style position, the man is able to view the woman from behind which can be very visually stimulating. Women enjoy this position because it allows for deep penetration and g-spot stimulation. In the Cowgirl position, the woman can often control the thrusting as well as receive adequate stimulation to the clitoris (for example, through manual or vibrator stimulation) so that she can have an orgasm. In this position, the man is able to see his partner’s body stretching out above him. And the missionary position is popular for its intimacy as the couple is face to face with a high degree of body contact. Although only about 12% of women report that they can orgasm through this position, they still rank it as a favourite.
And yet, studies show that when couples are trying to inject new life into their sexual intimacy, the first thing they do is try new positions. This experimenting in the bedroom wards off boredom, allows spouses to see each other in a different way (literally and figuratively) and gives them the opportunity to experience new pleasure.
Want to start slowly? How about spicing up your favourite position by adding:
- A mirror (or two) so that your visibility is increased
- Water (try the Cowgirl position in the bathtub, or Doggie style in the shower. NOTE: for water play I strongly recommend a silicon based lubricant
- New lighting (candle light, a softer bulb in the bedside table, all the overhead lights turned on)
- An edible lubricant
When you are ready to move on to new positions, there are numerous books and websites devoted to enlightening people on different positions. Some of my favourites are:
- Dr. Sadie Alison’s Ride ‘Em Cowgirl. Dr. Alison gives detailed information written while maintaining a sense of humour so the reading never gets boring. This book gives a variety of positions including those which are good for the g-spot, pregnancy and those who are overweight.
- Cosmopolitan’s position of the day. This site gives great tips and suggestions and the diagrams detailing the positions are clean-cut. They also give every position a “Carnal Challenge” rating so you know how difficult it will be to try.
- Christian Nymphos. Designed for couples “of faith”, this website offers a weekly position recommendation. While the positions are not illustrated, they are explained quite well.
On a personal note, I found myself really struggling with what direction to take this article. I figured I would ask my husband for his thoughts and get his perspective, so I told him, “Honey, I am having a hard time coming up with an angle for this article on positions.”
There was the briefest look of shock across Eric’s face before he burst out laughing. Usually, we spend our time intentionally making double entendres (it’s part and parcel of the job), but this time, I was so focused on the task at hand that I completely missed it! The laugher was so infectious that it broke my writer’s block!