Hint #42

If you want to bring a little more “imagination” into the bedroom, why not read a little erotic literature?  Take turns reading hot and steamy passages out loud.

How do you practice intimacy outside the bedroom?

How to determine what is right/wrong in the bedroom

In this short Q&A, Eryn-Faye, Canada’s Passion Coach, answers an audience member’s question about how to determine what is “right” or “wrong” in the marriage bed. As this clip is a short cut-in from a longer segment, we do want to emphasize that obvious physical health concerns play an important role regarding any decision a person makes.

Download this file as a .mov file for your Quick Time player OR as a .m4v file for your ipod OR as a .mp3 file to listen to the audio on itunes

Hint #35

If you’re the one that tends to take a passive role in the bedroom, its time to take charge.  If you’re normally the one that rules the roost, take a back seat for once.  Switch your roles in the bedroom for a thrilling change of pace.

Anal Sex in Marriage - A Guest Post

It’s a beautiful evening and the kids are gone to grandma’s house.  There is a fire in the fireplace, the candles are lit, and the music is low and sultry.  You are kissing and fondling and things are quickly moving to the next level when you feel your husband’s fingers at the entrance of the forbidden zone!  Oh no, wait, that isn’t his finger at all!  As this realization hits your face, your wonderful soul-mate husband of many years leans over and whispers in your ear…”feeling adventurous?”

Ever happened to you?  Well, this scenario (with various different changes) is played out in marital beds all over.  I’ve had women to ask me why in the world their husband seems so infatuated with their bottom.  To me the answer is pretty simple.  Men get sexual gratification from sticking their member into small damp holes.  Once a man and woman are married, their bodies belong to each other.  Of course it’s only natural for a husband to think of all the places he can go with it.  The three holes that are large enough to accommodate a penis are the mouth, vagina, and anus.  A simple, mildly blunt explanation as to why a husband may be intrigued or interested in anal sex.

It would be unfair though; to say that husbands are the only ones interested in back door play.  Many women are also curious about this ‘taboo’ subject.  In my own marriage, I have always been the aggressor when it comes to anal play/sex.  I had experimented myself during some alone time and found that there really are some nerve endings at the entrance of the anus that feel so pleasurable when stimulated!  I told my husband about it and asked if he minded using a finger there from time to time during intercourse.  The results were mind-blowing orgasms that made me melt and made him feel pretty good too!

So… how does a couple know if it’s really okay to try anal sex?  I firmly believe that a married couple should feel free to try almost anything they want to in their own marriage bed.  I draw the line at involving a third party, which includes other people physically and also pornography (this could be a whole other article in itself).  A healthy marriage is between the husband, wife, and God.  I also draw the line with sex acts that will hurt or demean one of you.  If you are involved in an act that makes you feel humiliated or degraded, then that act is unhealthy for your marriage.  That is a gateway for resentment to set in.

Anal sex can be very pleasurable for some women.  (Notice I said some and not all.)  We hear about orgasms that start from the clitoris or from the G-spot, but there are many women out there who swear that they have had orgasms originating from their anus.  I believe them because it’s happened to me as well.  But for all the women who claim to love anal sex, there seem to be just as many who don’t like it at all.  For some women it seems degrading and for others it’s uncomfortable or just down right painful.  Communication is so important here.  If you are curious about it, then TALK to your spouse!  Ask them how they feel about trying some anal play.  Find out if he/she is uncomfortable with the idea.  Discuss any concerns openly with each other.  There are some possible medical issues that could result from participating in anal sex, including infection and damage to the rectum, so it would be wise to research this together before deciding on trying it. If you find that your concerns and uneasiness outweigh the curiosity and eagerness, then you probably need to stop and back up a bit.  If you and your spouse have researched this topic and feel like it is something you’d like to try together, then here are a few things to keep in mind.

• You need to start small with a pinky finger or similar sized toy and gradually work your way up to the size of the husband’s penis.  You may find that you can’t accommodate your husband’s penis but you do like the feel of his index finger.
• STOP if you get to something that hurts. DO NOT try to “push past the pain.”  If there is pain it’s there for a reason and should be taken as a warning.  You are looking for sexual pleasure, not something that hurts you.
• There is no such thing as too much lube. Use copious amounts of it, all over you and your husband.  Use the amount you think you’ll need, and then add some more.
• Go slow and let her be in charge. Let her choose the position that she likes and allow her to set the pace.  It may take several minutes for her to be able to handle the full monty, so be patient and wait until she is ready for more.  Short, slow strokes are best to start off with.

You may wonder how in the world anal sex can deepen intimacy in marriage.  Over the last few years I’ve heard many stories of this, including one woman who wrote to me explaining how she had been sexually active with several other men before marrying her husband.  In her marriage, anal sex was a very intimate and bonding act for the simple reason that she had never had anal sex with any other man.  Her promiscuous past included vaginal sex with other men, but they both knew that the only man she had ever had anal intercourse with was her husband.  Thus, it became a very intimate act between them.

Like all other sex acts, this is a decision that is left up to each individual couple.  Anal sex isn’t for everyone.  It’s not the be-all end-all sex act.  It’s simply one out of hundreds of things that a married couple should feel free to try, if they both want to.  If both of you aren’t on the same page about it, then choose another book.  It shouldn’t be a divisive issue.  So communicate, research, and make a decision together.  And above all, have fun!

Cumingirl is a devoted wife and full time mom of two living in the USA.  She is one of the co-creators of www.christiannymphos.org.  Their website is considered by many to be groundbreaking in its ability to intertwine sex and the Christian faith.  The site was launched as a way to teach married women to walk in sexual freedom with their husbands.

What’s All the BUZZ About?

From pre-engaged individuals to those with over 30 years of marriage - people always seem to have the same questions when it comes to the “taboo” subject of bedroom toys.  And so many don’t know where to go for the answers. But now it’s finally here!  Eryn-Faye’s first behind the scenes e-book focused specifically on Bedroom Toys.

From the perspective that only Canada’s Passion Coach can bring, Eryn-Faye targets the questions you are asking with the answers you are seeking. Eryn-Faye covers it all - from the basics of what a bedroom toy is (and isn’t) to how to talk about them with your lover.

With her trademark humor and frankness, she broaches topics you care about - Are they dirty?  Can I get addicted to them?  Why would I even want one? It’s all in there.  Wondering if you (or your lover) will become “unnecessary”?  She covers that too.

From communication skills to the infamous “walk of shame” when leaving an adult bookstore - Eryn-Faye deals with all of it. The Top 8 Questions Couples Ask About Bedroom Toys are all in here.

Isn’t it time you stopped wondering and started knowing?

You can purchase What’s All the BUZZ About for just $5 USD.

Simply click the Add to Cart button to purchase this exciting eBook!

Hint #27

Does your bedroom need a little fix me up when it comes to transforming it into a “shag den”?  Take a quick look around…if you have pictures of your kids, best friends, or parents, think about relocating them to the family room.  Do you have candles and matches easily accessible?  Do you have sexy music at your finger tips?  It doesn’t take much, but the small things will go a long way to boosting your libido.

(in honor of Hallowen) Have you ever dressed up in the bedroom?

Consummation 101

Welcome back to class.  This will be our last day of class before you “graduate”.  Feel free to have a big party tonight, but don’t pass out invitations in class unless you are inviting everyone!

But before we get too far into the celebration mode, let’s not forget that we do have a class today.  And yes, as promised, this really will focus on the sexual aspect of relationships.  No guys, if you have been diligently and patiently doing all the homework with your lady, then today’s lesson is truly well earned.  If you have sulked through class doing the bare minimums…well, then quid pro quo should not surprise you in the least.  You get what you give…

That being said, ladies - those of you who think that communication is the end-all-be-all of intimacy and understanding each other, I point you to a universally respected philosopher, Plato who said:

You can learn more from someone in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.

Not the kind of thing you would expect to hear from the guy who wrote The Republic and lectured on metaphysics in ancient Greece is it?  But it is true.

Now, I have already received quite a few emails in anticipation of this particular article.  My favorite was a simple, short question that said, “Are you teaching how to have sex?”  This is a question that I get asked all the time - especially in social settings when somebody blurts out that I am a “passion coach for sex”.  There is that awkward silence where people take that in and process it.  I usually take a deep breath and try to explain why that statement is as wrong as it is right, but someone always asks the question, “do you teach people how to have sex?”

The short of it is of course, no.  This article is not going to be a “tab A - slot B” diagram.   The underlying cause in the dramatic rise in sexless marriages in North America is not a lack of understanding of how a penis and vagina connect together.  I have yet to have anyone come to me for help and say, “I keep hearing about this thing called sex, but I have no idea what it is or how it works.”

No, for most of us, sex gets lost in the clutter of daily life, or set aside because of physical or emotional issues.   And yet physical intimacy is as important to a strong relationship as commitment and communication.  And yes, I did just switch terms from sex to physical intimacy.  They are slightly synonymous.  Sex is always physical intimacy, but physical intimacy is not always sex.

Easy guys, I am not going to say that a good cuddle can take the place of sex on a daily basis.  I don’t believe that.  But I do think both are important.  One of the issues that we face in North American culture today is that we have become so focused on goal achievement.  Now, usually this is a very good thing.  But often our greatest strength can also be our greatest weakness.  In a sexual relationship “finishing” the task at hand as quickly and efficiently as possible is not the best approach.  (the occasional “quickie” notwithstanding of course, but a healthy relationship cannot exist only on “quickies”)

Remember back to the beginning of your relationship.  Was there a time when you couldn’t wait to have sex?  All you wanted to do was run your hands all over your lover’s body and explore every inch of them?  When simply stroking their skin would lurch you both to an almost overwhelming physical response?  When you would kiss for hours because you weren’t sure the two of you were ready to take the physical further?

Physical relationships always start somewhere.  Sitting next to someone and your legs touch.  Reaching for something at the same time and your fingers brush against each another’s.  Somewhere along the way all this accidental touching changes to be more intentional.   One of you, maybe both of you at the same time, reaches for the other’s hand - and you never stop holding hands after that.

The first hug - maybe stilted and done with one arm.  The eventually that becomes a two armed hug where you lean into each other and shoulders connect but a little kid could still walk between you while you hug.  And finally, there comes the full-frontal embrace.  Arms around each other, heads tilt to opposite angles and rest on each other shoulders.  Neck touches neck.  Chest touches chest.  Belly to belly, thigh to thigh and hands move slowly up and down the back - longing to go just a little lower.

Then the first kiss.  Maybe it starts as cheeks touching and you make a little kissing noise as you do it (how very European of you).  Then it will proceed to a quick lip to lip that barely gives you time to pucker, but you think about it for hours afterwards.  Eventually you work up to that first real kiss.  It might not last for hours - maybe it is under the porch light at the end of a great date.  The first real kiss.  You are looking right at each other and your eyes keep moving from their eyes to their lips, like an unspoken ask for permission.  Then you begin the long slow movement forward as you both realize that this is going to happen.  Your lips part just as you come together and your eyes close as you give yourself over to “the kiss.”

Once that seal is broken you are kissing all the time.  You find excuses to be together just so you can kiss again.   You can be on the phone together for hours, not talking, because all you really want to do is be close to them - and when you are, talking is not the highest priority on your list.

Remember those days?  Back then we were not in a sprint to the finish line.  Sure, we probably wanted to speed things up a bit, but we were never rushed.   And yet today we are overwhelmed with activities and responsibilities and physical intimacy doesn’t get the prioritization it deserves.  Ironically, it is often the very fact that we know we can “get it” anytime that induces us to put it off - often to the point that we never do.

We have to reprioritize our lives.  If we want our relationship to grow and thrive, and not be satisfied with it simply continuing to exist, then we need to get back to the basics.  Let’s build on the foundation that we have.  Those feelings and activities might be buried under years and years of distractions and actions, but if you dig down, you will find that foundation.

Yes, I understand that you are busy, that your life is hectic and that you run at a frantic pace.  I understand that you have kids and they have some kind of built in amorous radar that forces them to suddenly need your attention if you and your lover so much as exchange a meaningful gaze.  But I also know that your sex life is important.  That it needs and deserves time and attention.  You deserve some time and attention.

So find some alone time.  Call into work sick one day and stay in bed - together.  Get up REALLY early and learn to explore each other again.  Find a friend to watch the kids for a night - or even for a few hours.  Trade off with another couple - each of you can watch the other’s kids while you go out (or stay in) once a month.

And get back to basics.  When was the last time you climbed on the bed and kissed deeply and lost track of time in each other’s embrace?  When was the last time you gave each other an hour long sensual massage - making sure to touch every single part of your lover’s body?

My husband once told me that he had a basketball coach who enforced a very strict rule.  Every time they brought the ball down court, they had to pass the ball 4 times minimum before they were allowed to shoot.  Sounds crazy doesn’t it?  What if there was an open shot?  What if they had an easy lay-up?  Didn’t matter.  The rule was 4 passes first.  I will admit that I don’t know enough about basketball to understand his rationale, but I am going to steal his concept anyway.  Next time you have sex, put this rule in place:  No vaginal penetration and no orgasms for either of you until you have both gotten fully naked, kissed deeply for at least 10 minutes and touched every part of each other’s bodies.  This is not a fast break play (to stay with the basketball analogy).  You have to intentionally build up to sex.  Nothing is to be rushed along.

Here’s a quick quiz for you:

Men: do you know what it takes for your lover to have multiple orgasms?  Wouldn’t it be great to find out?  If she has had them before with you, what is the highest number of them she has ever had (and can you beat that number)?

Women: do you know how long your lover’s refractory period is? (The refractory period is the recovery phase after orgasm during which it is physiologically impossible for a man to have additional orgasms. It is also sometimes explained as the time immediately following orgasm during which a man cannot achieve an erection.)  The best part is that there is only one way to find out the answer to this particular question…

If you are going to commit to focusing on your sex life, start first by focusing on having sex.  But focus on the full experience of it - from initial arousal through the complete build up to each person’s orgasms, then (to steal a line from hair care products) rinse and repeat.  Make physical intimacy a priority - yes, that means that something else will be pushed down the priority list.  Then schedule ahead specific times where sexual intimacy becomes THE PRIORITY.   Plan ahead.   I know, scheduling sex might not sound  like the spontaneous love making that everyone on TV is having, but it is simply to help you gain perspective on its importance.  You aren’t scheduling the sex - just the time for it.  The sex can still be spontaneous, and in fact it should be.  If you schedule one night a month where you will have long, uninterrupted time for sex, then switch back and forth on who plans it.  Talk in between times about what you like and don’t like.  What you have tried and what you haven’t (but secretly always wanted to).  Find new favorite positions or fantasies.  Have some fun.

I have coached many many people who lost the fun in sex.  I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the statement, “sex just isn’t fun anymore.”  Don’t be afraid to laugh together in the bedroom, or the kitchen table or the shower or wherever you decide to consummate your relationship again.  Sex is fun.

If you have gotten this far in the class, then you understand how integral commitment and communication are to a relationship - now you’ll find out how consummation interweaves with them as well.  None of them are complete without all of them.

So go - kiss, hug, stroke, have sex.  You heard me.  Go on.  And, maybe you shouldn’t invite anyone else to your graduation party after all.  

62 Day Challenge - Followup

62 Days Later…

Back in June, I issued a challenge to my readers to have sex every day for from June 15^th to August 15^th.  The 62 Day Challenge.

Who out there took the challenge?

What did you find?

What was your favourite part?

Allow me to say that I have a general rule wherein I do not reveal the nitty-gritty’s of my sex life with Eric because it is, well, ours. However, I do think it is important to highlight some of the things we learned throughout the challenge. So here are some of my thoughts on the past two months.

1. We figured out very soon into the challenge that with this level of consistency, there was no such thing as “a quickie”. This side effect had its pros and cons. On the pro side, it gave us the time - indeed it forced us - to be creative. Sex very simply could not be the same old routine because one of the basic elements - time - had changed. On the con side, I needed to be prepared all the time. Bottles of lubricant were omnipresent.
2. A broken foot is very difficult to work around. Early in the challenge I fell and broke my foot. Everyone has assumed I was doing something kinky during the challenge but the true story is very dull - I tripped over Eric’s slippers. I have to be honest and admit that in the early days when the break was fresh, I chose to bond with the Extra Strength Advil rather than bonding sexually with my husband. Having said that, the pain does abate over time and it is possible to have sex with a cast on. Just for the record.
3. Gastro-intestinal viruses and sex do not mix. There is just a “yuck” factor of having sex with all the physical manifestations of such a virus. Enough said.
4. Skype sex is a fun concept for long distance intimacy unless you are staying at someone’s house. The mood is quickly doused when the hostess wants to talk to you as much as your husband does. Especially when he is staying in the living room on the couch.
5. We both loved the fact that sex was a given. Instead of doing the initiation dance (who is going to initiate and when is s/he going to do it?) it was an unspoken agreement that it would just happen. Both of us were working towards the goal of getting it done. It brought a heightened sense of teamwork into this part of our relationship.
6. Our desire to have sex grew. The more we had, the more we wanted. I was a bit surprised by this development. I thought I would be satiated the more I had, but the reverse actually took place. This made me do quite a bit of contemplation on the “use it or lose it” theory.
7. Finally, we had fun. We laughed more, joked together more, flirted more, and enjoyed each other more. That alone was worth the price of admission.

Do you have any stories to tell? You have the advantage of being anonymous, so let us know if anything outrageous, hilarious or even sweet happened with you and your lover during the challenge.  (and even if you didn’t take the challenge, feel free to share why you didn’t or what kept you from it - we’re all friends here an nobody judges!!)

Next Page »