Creating space for meaningful conversations about sexual intimacy.

 

Posts tagged: cancer

Making “The Ask”

Posted on September 20, 2010

makingtheask_590x3001

Making the Ask…without pushing their buttons

It is that time of year again. The Terry Fox Run will be this Friday and there is a flurry of young children asking their parents and neighbours to give them money. Allow me to give some background information for my American readers. Thirty years ago, this young man had lost a leg to cancer and yet attempted to run across Canada. While he died before completing his run, his dream of raising awareness and funds for cancer has been realized to a far greater extent than even he could have imagined. His courage inspired a nation to take action.

Every year now, school children across Canada run in honour of his memory and get pledges in the name of cancer research.

Our daughter was first exposed to the legacy of Terry Fox two years ago when she was four. She had started school and the Run was one of the first activities that the school promoted. Since her father is a professional fundraiser, we were thrilled at the opportunity to teach Riley how to “make an ask”.

That first year, Eric sent around an email to the staff in his office, alerting them to the fact that his daughter would be coming to ask them for money. The request was fairly straightforward: Please listen to what she says and then ask her questions. Why is she raising money? Why is this an important cause for her? Eric then made it clear that the staff did not have to donate money, because learning to be gracious with a “no” is just as important skill set for Riley to develop as being grateful for a “yes”.

When she was four, she was so nervous that she flipped her long, brown hair as she stammered, “Will you support…my…cause?” Last year, she wasn’t a novice anymore so she went for the jugular, “Will you please give me money so that children don’t have to die of cancer?”

She is incredibly effective. The first two years, her class brought in more than any of the other classes in the school and Riley was personally responsible for a quarter of those funds, even though there were 20 kids in her class. Needless to say, we are glowing with pride.

But our pride exceeds the satisfaction of a parent who is teaching their child simply how to succeed. It goes further than watching our little girl grow up. It even surpasses the delight of seeing her grasp the foundational understanding that we are all responsible to give our time and money to causes that are larger than ourselves.

You see, over the past several years, Riley has been – in a very deliberate fashion – learning and practicing a skill set that many adults do not have – The Ask.  This year, she has realized that 3 of her grandparents died of cancer and so the Terry Fox Run is even more important to her.  She has her own page on the Terry Fox website here – in case you would like to donate to her cause.

Success gurus will be quick to point out that, to get wherever it is that you want to go in life, you must ask for what you want. In his book The Success Principles, Jack Canfield shares a story of going to a seminar at which his seat had a yellow folder sitting on it. But he hated the colour yellow. The instructor then told the class that, if they did not like the colour of the folder that they had, they should ask to switch with someone with a different colour. Turns out, the lady next to Jack hated the colour she had too and when the two of them spoke up, expressed their desires, and consequently traded folders, they were both much happier.

Folder colours? Really? Is it that important?

The story illustrates the fact that most of us put up with things that we do not really want in our lives. Why? Perhaps we were not given permission when we were kids to have an opinion. Everything in our childhood was scripted around what the adults thought was good and right. Perhaps we learned that we should always sacrifice what we wanted for the desires of others. Or maybe, we just never learned to ask for what we wanted. And don’t delude yourself, asking for what you want is a skill set that takes time and practice to develop.

Not surprisingly, a lack of this lack of skill set shows up in our sex lives. If you can’t make an ask in other areas, you surely aren’t going to be able to do it in the most intimate, vulnerable, exposed area of your life. And yet, if you cannot clearly communicate what you want in your sexual relationship, it becomes more and more difficult to fake your satisfaction over the years. “I just can’t do it anymore” is a refrain that I have heard far too often.

So how do you start? How do you reverse years of allowing your partner to think that everything is hunky-dory when it really isn’t? This is a question I explore with many of my coaching clients. And while I must stress that change in this area does take time and patience, here are a few pointers to get you started.

1. Take the time to clearly define in your own mind what you want.

What is it about your sex life that you want to change? Don’t be satisfied with vague concepts – get specific. If you “want more foreplay”, then you need to understand what “more” looks like. Does it mean that you want your partner to kiss you on the mouth for several minutes before attempting to touch you anywhere else? Does it mean that you want to be flirted with throughout the day? Does it mean that you want to be able to hug without it leading straight to sex? Does it mean that you want to orgasm first? Knowing what you want will give your spouse the tools to succeed in making the changes with you.

2. Prepare the person to whom you are making The Ask.

This is especially important when you have been in a long-term relationship and your partner thinks everything is going great. Just as Eric sends out an email to prep people in his office before Riley goes in for The Ask, your spouse might need a bit of warning ahead of time. Saying, “I want us to get better and better with time and so I have been thinking about some changes to make to our relationship.” If your spouse does better with the written word, then leaving a note in his/her lunch bag or on the mirror might work the best. The key to the preparation is that you pique interest.

3. Choose your timing carefully.

Men, even if you have followed step 2 above, launching into that conversation with your wife at the end of a long day of juggling work and kids is probably not going to bring success. You will most likely have a very angry woman on your hands who feels like this is just another area in her life that she is screwing up.  Women, if your husband is settling in to watch his favourite team play on TV, that does not make him a “captive audience”.   You might be better served to send the kids off to Grandma’s house and whisk your spouse away for a weekend – or at least an afternoon.

4. State The Ask in a way they can hear.

“Our sex life sucks,” is NOT the way you should introduce the subject. If you are talking about it together, focusing on what you want to see grow is much more positive.  Talk about what you do appreciate in your sex life, and then you can flow into ideas that build on the foundation you have.  Bring them into your fantasy – your perfect sex life.  Invite them to be the star in your imagination.  Use terms that they understand.  Discussions that are unclear will only serve to exacerbate the problem.  Don’t be embarrassed to be specific in your wants.

5. Watch and wait.

As Riley has learned, sometimes people say, “no”. For whatever reason, they are not in the place to join her in her cause. Likewise, your spouse might say no.  The idea of even talking about your sex life might be overwhelming for them.  Your sex life is not a sprint.  The purpose of this is not to get to the finish as quickly as possible.  Sex, like relationships, is a journey.  Building memories together is the glue that bonds and memories take time.  Your patience can overcome their fear.

Just because you ask, does not entitle you to a yes response.  Remember you have spent a good deal of time considering what it is you want.  Allow them time to consider what you are asking.  Give them a chance to reflect on what you want…and to think about what they want as well.  You may very well be opening a door for them too – maybe they want more too!  Help them express that by listening and not interrupting.

We have a rule in our household that every request that is made deliberately needs to be respected and honoured with consideration. If my husband comes to me and asks something of me, I need to listen and consider. (I am ignoring this principle in my life regarding his repeated requests for an iPad, but I digress.)  The point is that you make love through your conversations as surely as you do physically.

As the discussion unfolds you can direct them to questions that will help them talk to you: What is stopping you from taking this next step with me? What makes you hold back? Is the timing wrong? Do you not like the request? Does it make you feel fearful? Use this time and conversation to look for insight into your spouse.

Seeing things from a new perspective through personal coaching may be all that stands between you and the sex life you have always imagined.  If you need a little extra help on this subject, give me a call.

7 Comments - Posted in Blog, Featured Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Sex After Cancer – Tips

Posted on September 10, 2010

As I have mentioned in previous articles, the obstacles to sexual intimacy that women face when recovering from breast cancer are often shrouded in silence. This article offers practical tips and suggestions for women and their partners as they navigate the complexities of sex after cancer.

Return to Intimacy for Breast Cancer Survivors

1 Comment - Posted in Articles, Blog Tagged with: , , , , ,

Sex and Cancer Survivors Thrivers

Posted on April 8, 2010

I love my job. There is no doubt in the world that I am doing exactly what I was made to do. I love reading about, writing about and speaking about sex.

But during Spring Break, I experienced one of the high points of my career. I was invited to speak to a support group for women in various stages of breast cancer on sex and cancer. To give you a bit of a peak into my personal world, I am a cancer orphan. I lost my mother to ovarian cancer and my father to brain cancer. My aunt is a breast cancer survivor. Cancer has ravaged my family and daily impacts the way I think, act and view life.

And yet, here I was, standing in front of a group of women who had been radically affected by cancer but who were determined NOT to be defined by it. They had come to hear me speak so that they could find answers and share solutions with each other on ways to have a good sex life once again.

There is no doubt that we live in an amazing age. More and more women are detecting cancer earlier and are surviving a disease which would have been certain death twenty years ago. Kids are getting to have their mothers for longer. Husbands are not been widowed as often.

But there is a shadowy side to this phenomenal survival rate. When you survive, you have to live life after cancer. Many women find that their sex lives are radically altered due to chemotherapy, surgery and the trauma of their experience. Their bodies don’t respond the same way that they did before cancer. They might have pain and discomfort. They have been launched into menopause and have to tackle all the effects of this passage in life. They grapple with bodies that no longer look the same…different breasts, scars, and defiled body image. And they may face a chasm of sexlessness which began during the early stages of diagnosis and was never quite bridged even after they were given a clean bill of health.

Under these circumstances, how do you restart the conversation with your spouse? How do you begin to have sex again? How do you get past all the physical and emotional hurdles that are thrown at you? These were all questions that these women had.

As I watched them share with each other, I was once again moved by the power of women talking openly and honestly about their sex lives. I have found that the most devious and insidious enemy of a great sex life is isolation. For if you feel that you are the only one who is dealing with the problems you face, you will be less likely to seek help. When we come together and share (with guidelines about privacy and confidentiality, of course), we can break through barriers that we had previously viewed as insurmountable.

Allow me to share with you five things that these women taught me from their own journeys:

1)   You are not alone. If you are struggling with sex after cancer, the issues you are facing have been faced by scores of women before you. Join a support group and see how other women have found solutions, read up on the subject, and talk to your doctor about different avenues to try. (Here is a great book suggestion: Woman, Cancer, Sex)

2)   Understand the stages. It is highly likely that when you are first diagnosed, you and your spouse will focus on the life-saving decisions you have to make. As you go through treatment, you will focus on making your appointments, having energy for your family and keeping a positive attitude. Sex will slide down on your priority list. This is normal and completely understandable. However, there will come a time when life normalizes and sex will come back into your thoughts. Making it a priority in your relationship once again might feel awkward and stilted.

3)   Communicate, communicate, communicate. Finding the ways to address this issue with your spouse can be difficult. The topic becomes the 800lb gorilla in the room that you both dance around. He is thinking, “If I bring it up, she might burst into tears.” You are thinking, “I wonder if he misses it?” If you are looking for a way to bridge the communication gap over this thorny issue, take a drive. Ask your spouse how s/he is feeling about sex and listen to his/her response. Sometimes being side by side (rather than face to face) helps diffuse some of the tension that has built up.

4)   Get uncomfortable being uncomfortable. There is truth to the saying that everything you want in life is outside your comfort zone. If you are going to have a good sex life again, you are most likely going to have to try new things to see what works with your new body. You are going to have to be brave and courageous. Perhaps you will need a vibrator to “find” your orgasm again. Perhaps you need a lubricant which does not contain any estrogen to combat the vaginal dryness. Perhaps you will need to find a naturopath who can give neuroshots to restore sensation to your pelvic floor. Being willing to push past your inhibitions in order to find solutions that work for you is a crucial piece to restoring a good sex life.

5)   Begin with sensate focus exercises. If you are wondering how to begin having sex again after a long dry spell, start slowly and don’t immediately shoot for gold. Trying sensate focused massages are a great way to get started. Remember point number 4 – communicate first about your desires and goals for the exercise. For complete instructions, read this article.

Finally, remember that every couple handles life after cancer differently. The key is making sure that how you approach your sex life is truly working for both of you. If you need some more tips on how other couples have dealt with this situation, check out this article from the Duke Clinical Research Institute.

0 Comments - Posted in Blog Tagged with: , , , , , , , ,

Sexual Intimacy Disrupted by Cancer

Posted on April 7, 2010

This article, in its entirety, can be found at dukehealth.org published by Duke Medicine News and Communications.

Cancer often leads to significant and long-term disruption in sexual function and intimacy, regardless of the type of cancer or how far along the patient is in the treatment plan, according to a new study from Duke Clinical Research Institute (DCRI) appearing in the journal Psycho-Oncology.

“We discovered that having cancer — any kind of cancer — can alter a patient’s sex life,” said Kathryn Flynn, PhD, an assistant professor at the DCRI and the first author of the study. Researchers found that in some patients problems persisted long after treatment was over.

But researchers also found that changes in sexual function were not necessarily correlated with a decline in sexual satisfaction. “That’s an important distinction we feel needs to be recognized by researchers who are working on better ways to measure quality of life among people with cancer,” Flynn added.

Both men and women reported that loss of sexual desire was a problem. And while some patients in post-treatment groups reported that that sexual desire had returned, it never did for others.

Flynn says that one of the most interesting findings that may improve how sexual function is measured came from participants’ revelations about the complex relationships between sexual function and intimacy and satisfaction with their sex life.

Their experiences tended to fall into one of four categories:

  • Intimacy declined when sexual activity declined. Men and women both reported feeling isolated and sometimes pushing a partner away when sexual intercourse was not possible.
  • Intimacy became an alternative to sexual activity. Some participants found that emotional intimacy was an acceptable substitute for sexual activity and were satisfied with the closeness it brought about.
  • Intimacy became sexual activity. A minority of participants redefined sex so that the activities they could participate in (e.g., holding hands) were what they considered their sex life.
  • Increased intimacy led to improvement in sexual activity. A number of patients let changes in sexual function provide an opportunity to find additional means of sexual expression that actually expanded their pleasure with each other.

“There is no doubt that sexual function and intimacy are important aspects of quality of life for people with cancer and their partners,” says Flynn.

While I could not agree more with what Dr. Flynn says, I would go further and say that sexual function and intimacy are important aspects of quality of life for people and their partners period.  I have written many times on the topic of intimacy and what it entails and yet there is so much more to be said on it.  We’ve done a couple of polls already this year on intimacy – How Do You Practice Intimacy Outside the Bedroom as well as asking the question, What’s Your Biggest Roadblock to Sexual Intimacy?  But these four points that come from a study of cancer patients and survivors really put a fine point on the importance of intimacy.  I had the privilege of speaking to a group of women who call themselves Thrivers – not just surviving cancer, but thriving through it!  Their experiences and stories moved me deeply.  Later this week I will share with you some of the perspectives that they taught me.  Read it here!

In the meantime, give yourself a check up – ask yourself, “how’s my intimacy level with my lover?”

0 Comments - Posted in Articles, Blog Tagged with: , , , , ,

Eryn-Faye’s Feature Videos

VIDEOS TO BE REVEALED SHORTLY…