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Posts tagged: commitment
Talking to my 5 year old…
Dear Eryn-Faye,
I really appreciate your what you are offering couples, families and individuals.
My wife and I are looking for some ideas/ advice about how to talk to our daughter.
She is 5 years old and for about 2 years (since she was about 3) we have noticed at times when she is bored/ alone in her room (as she has a younger brother who is 2 years younger), she “humps” her pillow or teddy bear. At first we thought nothing of it, and then we noticed that she would get quite red in the cheeks and was quite worked up. When we inquired what she was doing, she said it felt good. Understanding a bit about the way we’re built, we could see she was stimulating herself, and it felt good. This behavior has seemed to decrease (maybe we see her doing it once a month), but is still consistent to when she is in her room and “bored.”
I know there may be many thoughts on masturbation (which this might be defined as, but I would probably lean toward the definition of self-exploration, as she’s only 5).
So I struggle with dealing with her behavior or trying to figure out what to say, without making her think that her sexual feelings are bad (which I’m sure she doesn’t think these are sexual feelings).
How do we as a couple talk address this issue with her?
Advice? Books to read?
Allow me to say that I appreciate that you have decided to write, because it demonstrates that you are taking your role as a parent very seriously!
You have a wonderful opening to speak with your daughter about healthy sexuality. These conversations should take place throughout the rearing of the child in an age-appropriate manner, beginning with basic knowledge such as the proper names for anatomy and going from there. Most experts will tell us that if you have not initiated the concept of sexuality to your kids early on, they will hear about it on the playground from other children (albeit a very convoluted version). Proactive parents will take control of the message so that this topic is accurately presented to their children. I believe that, as parents, we have an amazing message to communicate to our children about how we were made.
The body is a magnificent design, and it is understandable and natural that we want to explore it. It is very common for little girls to “hump” things. I had one coaching client relay to me that her (probably very embarrassed) parents had to drag her out of church one day because she wouldn’t stop humping the church pew! (I bet you are breathing a sigh of relief right now that you aren’t dealing with that one!) But I tell that anecdote mainly to let you know that your daughter is completely normal and that this is fairly ordinary behaviour. We simply don’t talk about it publicly too often which can lead to concerns such as what you have.
As far as things you can do as a parent, considering your daughter’s age, you can explain that it is acceptable for her to explore in private but not in public. We use this same reasoning when we explain why we cover the areas of a bathing suit because these are the parts of our bodies that belong only to us and need to be kept private (understanding, of course, that mommy and daddy and doctors might touch those areas for health/hygiene reasons). Not only are you able to set the foundation for a series of conversations about sexuality and create a sense of openness about this topic but you will also be setting the groundwork for appropriate touch and “stranger-danger” conversations with your daughter.
I would also recommend that you and your wife construct your answer to THE QUESTION right now. (Meaning, “Where do babies come from?” or “What is sex?”) Decide together what you are going to say, and practice it together if this makes you more comfortable. At your daughter’s age, it is best to keep your answer simple, and having a book to illustrate your conversation is extremely helpful especially if some (or all) of these terms are new to your daughter. Amazing You! Getting Smart about Your Private Parts by Gail Saltz and Lynne Avril Cravath is an excellent resource for your daughter’s age. You can find it on Amazon here.
And the website Talking with Kids has some helpful hints on these discussions as well.
As a parent myself, I want to encourage you again. Your desire to be proactive in your daughter’s life is exceptional. Taking the time to ask questions -even when they are seen as “awkward” – is indicative of how seriously you take your parenting duties. You have my deepest respect. I wish that all parents were so willing to seek help and advice.
I hope you find these resources helpful! If you have any further questions or feedback for other parents, please feel free to write back at any time!
Warmly,
Eryn-Faye, Passion Coach
Co-dependent Issues
Dear Eryn-Faye,
My question is how to handle a co-dependent relationship issue.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half and my boyfriend won’t let me keep anything at his place or introduce me to his parents. Exceptions are toothbrush, toothpaste and shampoo. This took almost a year before I was permitted to leave these basic items at his home.
To say my boyfriend is territorial and defensive is an understatement.
My boyfriend says that he is protecting his mother and has had negative experiences in the past and does not want to cause her anymore stress from relationships that could possibly fail.
Furthermore, my boyfriend has asked me to marry him during sex and then afterwards, once back to reality, he changes his mind. He says that saying things like “he wants to marry me” heightens his sexual experience and that I take things too seriously. I am beginning to resent his lack of empathy for my feelings.
I love many things about my boyfriend and am perplexed in how to address these issues without causing a big argument.
I feel disposable in the relationship when my boyfriend treats me this way.
I have tried to address these issues with him and am at my wits end….
Suggestions are more than welcome…
Let me begin by saying that my heart goes out to you right now. I can understand that you are frustrated and need some outside insight on your situation!
In my practice, I often speak with couples about the three “C’s” – commitment, communication, and consummation (aka sex). These elements provide the foundation for a healthy, long-lasting relationship. If you are weak or lacking in one or more areas, then the entirety of your relationship is in jeopardy.
Commitment is the element which binds the couple together through thick and thin. It is not only the decision that “I am with this person”, but also the decision to make healthy sacrifices for your partner because you recognize their individual value. As we deepen our commitment, we realize that our own selfishness is a hindrance to our relationship and with it we will not grow as a couple. The tricky part about commitment is that both parties have to be on board. If one partner is constantly sacrificing for the other out of fear of making the other partner mad, or starting a huge fight, or being left by their partner, then there is a breakdown in the whole system.
Communication is the freedom to express what we are feeling and thinking with our partner without the fear of retribution. It is how we let that person really get to know who we are – our likes and dislikes, why we react a certain way, what our dreams are for our lives. It is also the way we do check-ups on our relationship – are we meeting each other’s needs, are we showing love to our partner in a manner that they understand, how can we work to correct the issue that we are facing together in our relationship.
Your boyfriend’s lack of desire or willingness to fully incorporate you into his life and his blatant lack of regard for your feelings lead me to think that he is not willing to develop the commitment or communication part of your relationship. I was horrified by his explanation for saying he wants to marry you during sex as just to “heighten his sexual experience.” (By the way, I did mention this situation to a few of my male colleagues, just to get a male perspective on your boyfriend, and they were all equally as horrified.) The general consensus was that his actions and comments do not reflect someone who is interested in a healthy relationship.
I am also concerned that you might be struggling with some underlining self-esteem issues which are the source of why you allow your boyfriend to treat you in such a manner. A counselor will help you understand your worth as a person, break patterns that you might have which lead you into unhealthy relationships, and shed light on ways that you can develop healthy relationships with people who value and respect you.
I realize that this is “messy” and maybe it is not what you wanted to hear from me. However, I would love to be here for you as you walk through these issues, and I welcome any further questions that you have. Please feel free to write back at any time!
Warmly,
Eryn-Faye, Passion Coach
A Lost Art?
Dear Eryn-Faye,
Being single again in my fifties, I would love to embrace another committed relationship but it seems all the fellows I meet want to go directly to sex. What happened to good old fashioned courting? A lost art in my opinion.
How can a fellow know he wants to be intimate with me unless he takes the time to get to know me first and then see if any fondness grows? I always tell possible suitors that sex is never my goal but could be an outcome depending on whether a deeper connection occurs on all levels (spirit, heart, mind, soul).
Am I from the dark ages wanting to get to know someone first and experience falling in love? It seems to be such an instant society… entitled to the prize without much effort!
Thanks for listening!
I love your comment about us living in an instant society. Most of us send email or a text message instead of a letter, and so we are unaccustomed to wait for what we really want. (Think back to times when people waited for weeks or more to hear back from the person they wrote) In my opinion, this decreases our ability to persevere, sacrifice and work for what we really want…and then to appreciate it once we have it! And you are certainly correct – this attitude translates into our perspective on sex as well. We are blitzed by media images of couples who meet, go on one date, and then fall into bed together. While this may work for some couples, many find that they start off on the wrong foot because they haven’t really invested in getting to know each other before they became sexually involved.
The other day, I was doing some research on cheating and was reading a book called “Close Calls”, by Dave Carder. He had a very interesting perspective on the beginning of sexual relationships that I would like to share with you:
“Your relationship is only as old as it is nonsexual. The relationship stops growing once it becomes sexual, because the physical aspect will become the primary focus. It is the sexual tension in a dating relationship that drives you to get to know the other person and that keeps you exploring the difficult subjects that are necessary to establish a long-term, well-matched experience.”
So allow me to applaud you in making the very wise and mature decision to slow down the sexual part of your relationship as you look for a good man. While it might be a rather lonely road to walk at times, I think you will be very satisfied with the results that it produces over the long-term. The fellow who wins your heart will be worth it (and yes, men who “court” are still out there!!).
Warmly,
Eryn-Faye, Passion Coach
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