WE MOVED!!!!

You might have noticed a bit of, well, inactivity on this site of late. It is not that I am trying to ignore you. Not at all.

I have, however, been in the midst of a cross-country move from Vancouver, British Columbia to Toronto, Ontario. From the time we signed the paperwork agreeing to the relocation to the time the movers showed up on our front door step was a mere five weeks. That didn’t seem all that absurd to me when we signed the papers - I was so utterly naïve!!

As you can well imagine, the past couple months have been completely chaotic and it has been all I can do to keep up with my coaching appointments. And needless to say (although I will spell it out for you) writing my blog has slipped off the radar completely.

I am pleased to announce that I am (somewhat) settled. Eric and I are indeed in Toronto (Riley’s trip to Texas turned out to be amazing timing) but we are living in a hotel since our house will not be ready until October. All of our things are tucked away in a couple of containers at the mover’s storage facility so we don’t feel completely at home, but at least we are parked in one place for six weeks.

The good news is that I have a list of blog posts that I cannot wait to write. Stay tuned!

Are you really too tired to have sex?

http://www.yourtango.com/proconnect/201074147/are-you-really-too-tired-sex

In this article, Dr. Trina Read tackles head on the “I’m too tired” excuse for a lack of sex in a marriage.  According to Dr. Read, “many a men and women has confessed that saying ‘I’m too tired’ has become a bad habit—they say it before they really think about whether they are or not.”

Where do you land on this?  Are you really too tired to have sex, or are you too tired to figure out what’s really wrong?

Thoughts?

The Flat Tire

Last week, when I was driving Riley to school, I heard a weird noise coming from the wheel well that even I, who is not in any way mechanically inclined, knew was not a good sign.

I pulled over at the next safe place and got out of the car to inspect the damage. Sure enough, the wheel was flat. Making a quick phone call to the school to tell them that Riley would be late was easy. Figuring out how to proceed was more difficult. Eric was out of town, and (to be brutally honest) I forgot in the panic of the moment that we had Roadstar Assistance because I have never used it before.

I did briefly consider changing it myself. To my father’s defense, he had taught me how to change a tire as one of the rites of passage that every teenage girl should undergo. But that was back in high school (eons ago) and I knew for a fact that my tires had been put on with pneumatic tools. Even if I could remember what to do, I seriously doubted that I had the strength to do it.

Even though he was far away, Eric did prove to be extraordinarily helpful. He hopped on the internet and got me the name and number of our tire shop and recommended I call them. When the man picked up the phone, I threw myself on his mercy. I played the “husband out of town” and “five-year-old in the backseat” cards like a champ.

“Where are you?”, he asked after he had explained that he probably couldn’t help because he had a guy out sick and another out of the shop. When I told him, he said, “Hang on, I think my guy is two blocks from you!” Sure enough, my knight in shining armor (or at least a ball cap and big truck) showed up five minutes later.

Within moments, he had the spare on my car and was heading back to the shop to start fixing my tire. The problem? It had gotten screwed. Literally. Evidently, I had run over the screw at one of the many construction sites around our house. What a humorous way to start the day.

You might be wondering how this story has anything to do with passion. Here’s the deal: I had rushed out of the house that morning without any makeup on. To you, that might not be a big deal. In fact, that might be how you start every morning (especially if you are a reader of the male persuasion). But I grew up in Texas. And Texan women of my generation don’t go to the grocery store to pick up a gallon of milk without putting on makeup. It’s just what we do.

As a result of this upbringing, there are at most 3 times a year that I will venture out without a full complement of makeup. This was one of those times…and I got caught with a flat tire. I felt decidedly unattractive.

The gentlemen at the tire store didn’t seem to notice. I suppose the fact that I live in British Columbia, wherein makeup is definitely optional, made me blend in better.

The next day, I went back to the tire shop to get my winter tires removed (which technically was before the official start of summer, so I felt okay about that). Since I had clients to meet and things to do, I looked, well, normal. When I eneterd the store, the guy at the front desk looked somewhat surprised and said, “You look different today.” I responded, “You caught me on a bad day yesterday.” And then he said something that amazed me, “Funny, I thought I caught you on a great day.”

Now, he could have been being kind. After all, they do give superb customer service at this shop (as evidenced by my rescue the day before) and so maybe it is second nature to assuage the embarrassment of female patrons.

Or maybe he was telling the truth. Maybe how I see myself isn’t how others see me. Maybe what I personally find “attractive” doesn’t register as necessary or even as “attractive” for others.

When I am teaching clients on the importance of attractiveness, I always stress how important it is to ask your spouse what s/he finds attractive. Taking care of yourself and putting effort into how you appear is important to keep the passion alive in your relationship but how this looks is different to everyone. You could spend hours of time on something that you think makes you look hot but your spouse doesn’t give a rip. In that process, you might be overlooking what really matters to him/her. So, how do you know for sure? Ask.

All things considered, I am glad that I had a flat that day. I was able to experience, with fresh eyes, things that I tell my clients.  And if you’re going to be wrong about something, being seen as attractive when you don’t think you are is a pretty decent thing to be wrong on.  Maybe I don’t always have to be right!!

What about you?   Are you sure you know what your lover finds attractive?

Winning Isn’t Everything

Not too long ago, a dear friend came to visit us. During the course of her stay, we had much discussion about her new career. After years of working in the field of web design, she has taken to has taken up designing board games. She seems to have a natural talent for it; two of her prototypes have a very strong potential to be published in the next year.  Not bad for a newbie designer.

Because my repertoire of games runs the very uncreative gambit from Go Fish to Monopoly, I found this new world to be completely fascinating. The more I learned about the intricacies of the process of publishing games, the more impressed I became. And, of course, you can’t hang out with a game designer without playing a lot of games. So, after Riley was put to bed at night, our friend would pull out various games and we would play.

One game, Dominion, was addictive. We played every chance we could get. The hours would melt away, and I would look at the clock in horror when I realized it was late into the morning hours and we were still playing.

Needless to say, once our friend returned home, Eric and I immediately purchased the game. After all, TV had become incredibly boring in light of the fact that we could collect gold and potions and other such fun baubles.

Fairly quickly, however, I noticed a disturbing trend. Eric and I would play; he would beat me (badly); I would get angry; I would go to bed in a huff. Evidently, my husband’s skill at the game had escaped my notice when there were several people playing and was magnified when it was just the two of us. We were not just playing the game of Dominion on the kitchen table; it was manifesting itself in our relationship too. The fact that he won ALL THE TIME had me seriously pissed off.

Have you ever tried to have sex when you are pissed off? It doesn’t work so well. Pretty soon I noticed that it had been a long time since we had sex. (I will refrain from mentioning a specific time frame here only because I believe that every one should decide for their own relationship how much sex is “enough”. Just take my word that, for us, it was a long time.)

Since we both saw the pattern of drought that was emerging, we would start the evening with the best of intentions. “Let’s play a quick game and then have sex,” I would enthuse. (Why didn’t I reverse the order, you ask? Simply put, our five-year old does not go to sleep immediately at bed time, so we have a “no sex” safety-buffer zone for about an hour after we put her down.)

And then, after one game, I would want another…and another. But by the time my husband had thoroughly trounced me over and over, I was physically and emotionally exhausted and ready to call it an evening. “I don’t like playing with you,” I would pout. Until the next night came and I would ask to play again. Seriously, a therapist would probably have a field-day with me.

I did get me thinking, though. The game of Dominion might seem like a silly example, but there are lots of little irritations that we allow to invade our sex lives:

• He doesn’t pick up his socks and has no clue about the enormous amount of housework that I have to do = No sex for you buddy.
• She is watching her TV shows (again), so I will roll over and fall asleep. Pocket veto.

Really, at the end of the day, there are so many things that get in the way of a good sex life that really shouldn’t get in the way. Isn’t your sex life more important?

Finally, FINALLY, I took a bit of my own advice and decided to do something about this issue. I had a few options:

1)   I could stop playing the game.

2)   I could change my attitude towards winning. My husband, to his defense, was trying to teach me new strategies so that I could get better. He wasn’t being a jerk about the whole thing. Really. No, really.

3)   I could do some work during the “buffer” time, then have sex, then play the game. (And get pissed off or not at that point…either way it wouldn’t have impact on our sex life!)

4)   Try other options that hadn’t yet occurred to me.

Recognizing what we need to change and then going and making that change is challenging. My problem was that I enjoyed the behaviour that ultimately led to my anger. I liked playing the game. I liked trying to win. But the long-term effect was counter-productive for my relationship. So I needed to change.

I personally chose a combination of options 2 and 3. We still play the game, and I still have delusions of beating Eric, but it no longer has a negative impact on our sex life. And in my mind, that is a pretty big win.

And I take my wins where I can get them, because they still aren’t happening in Dominion…but I’m not bitter (anymore)!!

The Greatest Gift

When was the last time you told your children how much you love your spouse?

That’s right.

When was the last time you looked your kids in the eyes and said, “I am so in love with your Dad [or Mom]“?

Are you terrified that they will feel unloved? Are you nervous that they will fall over themselves and say, “Ahhhh, that’s gross!!” Would they be totally confused? What holds you back?

Recently, I had to explain the concept of divorce to my daughter. Our goddaughter is part of a blended family, and so when my daughter asked some probing questions about them, I decided to answer honestly (but with brevity since she is only five). Many of Riley’s schoolmates come from single-parent households, but this was the first time she connected the dots with someone who is really close to our family.

The sadness that Riley felt was palpable. She didn’t understand how two people could marry and then divorce. It was incomprehensible to her that you would not live with the father of your child. In fact, she was so disturbed by the concept that she had another heart-to-heart with her teacher that day at school. I wish we were all so disturbed by divorce. The impact on a family is truly nothing less than devastating.

Kids live with the fear that their mom and dad will split up. This is understandable. They see it on TV (in one of Riley’s favourite shows, the dad is conspicuously absent). It is happening to their friends all around them. Why wouldn’t they wonder if they are next?

I believe that one of the greatest gifts you can give your kids is love for your spouse. Your marital happiness is the foundation of your family unit. And your kids need to hear about it. They need to know that you go on dates because your relationship with each other is precious. They need to see you flirt and cuddle and laugh. They need to hear that you love each other.

I don’t care if you are on your first, second or third marriage…if you are committed to making it work, then talk about how much you love your spouse around your kids.

“Riley, I love your Daddy.”

“Yeah, I know Mom. You tell me that all the time.”

Perhaps she will appreciate it more when she marries. Until then, I will have to keep modeling it for her.

Statistical Research on Divorce

This is a fascinating article on what puts your marriage at a higher risk of divorce. Are you in one of these risk categories? If so, then take this article as a nudge to keep working to keep your marriage strong and healthy.

The original article with references can be found here.

15 Ways to Predict Divorce

by Anneli Rufus

1. If you’re a married American, your marriage is between 40 and 50 percent likely to end in divorce.

2. If you live in a red state, you’re 27 percent more likely to get divorced than if you live in a blue state.

3. If you argue with your spouse about finances once a week, your marriage is 30 percent more likely to end in divorce than if you argue with your spouse about finances less frequently.

4. If your parents were divorced, you’re at least 40 percent more likely to get divorced than if they weren’t. If your parents married others after divorcing, you’re 91 percent more likely to get divorced.

5. If only one partner in your marriage is a smoker, you’re 75 percent to 91 percent more likely to divorce than smokers who are married to fellow smokers.

6. If you have a daughter, you’re nearly 5 percent more likely to divorce than if you have a son.

7. If you’re an evangelical Christian adult who has been married, there’s a 26 percent likelihood that you’ve been divorced—compared to a 28 percent chance for Catholics and a 38 percent chance for non-Christians

8. If you live in Wayne County, Indiana, and are over 15 years old, there’s a 19.2 percent chance that you’ve been divorced.

9. If both you and your partner have had previous marriages, you’re 90 percent more likely to get divorced than if this had been the first marriage for both of you.

10. If you’re a woman two or more years older than your husband, your marriage is 53 percent more likely to end in divorce than if he was one year younger to three years older

11. If you’re of “below average” intelligence, you’re 50 percent more likely to be divorced than those of “above average” intelligence.

12. If you’ve been diagnosed with cervical cancer, your likelihood of getting divorced is 40 percent higher than standard rates; it’s 20 percent higher if you’ve been diagnosed with testicular cancer.

13. If you have twins or triplets, your marriage is 17 percent more likely to end in divorce than if your children are not multiple births.

14. If you’re a female serial cohabiter—a woman who has lived with more than one partner before your first marriage—then you’re 40 percent more likely to get divorced than women who have never done so.

15. If you’re in a male same-sex marriage, it’s 50 percent more likely to end in divorce than a heterosexual marriage. If you’re in a female same-sex marriage, this figure soars to 167 percent.

Keep in mind that stats are just numbers - nothing is a guarantee.  There are a few of these that could apply to my marriage, but I am not concerned because of what they say.  We should always be working on our relationships regardless of any statistics.  A marriage is the very last thing we should ever take for granted, no matter what the “numbers” say!!

How is yours?

A Male Birth Control Pill??

Birth Control Pills for Men <- click for original article

I have to admit that, before reading this article, the idea of a male birth control pill had never crossed my mind. Men have condoms, why would they need a pill? But then my mind went to a conversation I had just last week with a client wherein she talked about her husband’s loathing for condoms. (My husband has always said it is like having a shower with your rain coat on.) She also had no desire to use the pill herself due to the side effects that she experienced. For couples in this situation, maybe a male pill would provide an alternate resource. Interesting concept.

What are your thoughts??

Perfectionism

I meet a lot of perfectionists in my line of work. Perhaps there is an unusually high correlation between perfectionism and sexual hang-ups.

Perfectionists do not like mistakes. They like to be correct all the time. There is no tolerance for error in a perfectionist’s world.

However, this is a problem in sexual relationship because good sex takes practice. Inherent in the concept of practice is the understanding that there is room to make mistakes. When you are “practicing”, mistakes are acceptable, permissible and even expected.

I have noticed that when perfectionists become extremely fearful of making mistakes, they give up all together. Perhaps they try a few times, realize that they are not living up to their own internal standards and then they give up. The worst culprits give up without even trying. They are terrified of mediocre and so they twist the old adage of  “If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well” to justify their inaction. And in doing so, they completely miss the value of battling through the awkward learning stage.

To combat the threat of perfectionism in our own household, I have a saying that I give to my young daughter, “We learn more from our failures than our successes.” Our failures are not just a vivid reminder that we are not perfect (which, as it turns out, is really ok); they also give us valuable clues as to the areas we need to adjust, change and grow in our lives so that we can be successful.

People who can grab onto this concept are high achievers.  Like perfectionists, high achievers have very high standards of what they want to accomplish in their lives. But unlike perfectionists, they embrace mistakes and failures as part of the normal learning process they must endure to get to greatness. They elicit and heed feedback because they can use the information to move past the awkward learning stage onto the skilled phase.

I met a high achiever this weekend at one of my Passion Salons. This woman shared that she had wanted to become better at oral sex. Now, I have met many women who realized they were not good at oral sex and so they just gave up. Instead, this woman asked her husband for feedback. What do you like? Is this working? What can I do to get better?

Unfortunately, her husband wasn’t particularly skilled at giving her the feedback she needed. Maybe he was embarrassed, maybe he preoccupied in the moment or perhaps he didn’t know the answer to her question! However, she wanted more information, so she rented a “how to” video and practiced her new learnings on her husband. He was thrilled. And when I met her, she had a confidence that emanated from her.

Here is a suggestion for you: try some “practice sex”. Set aside time when the two of you agree that you are going to practice something that you are not good at but you want to become more skilled. Allow for mistakes and mediocre sex during this time with a view that you need to go through the awkward to get to great.  Let go of your need to be right, or perfect or flawless.  Enjoy each other and the process and you’ll find that you really start to enjoy each other and the process!!

Changing the Dance

This article was originally written and sent out to those who have signed up for my newsletters, but I keep getting asked for it…so, I am posting it here on the main site for everyone.  It was written last year when I was at a conference, but the information is timeless.  Enjoy!

Changing the Dance

For those of you who have been reading my blog, you are familiar with the fact that we love to dance in our household. In fact, Eric was the one who taught me how to dance the two-step and the jitterbug. In the beginning, the steps seemed complicated and I tried to lead all the time (a future indicator of other aspects of our relationship), but over time, dancing together became second nature. Without giving it any thought, I could tell where he was going to go next, how he was going to turn me, when to hang on tight because I was going to be spinning pretty soon.

In the Divorce Busting® course this weekend, we are learning how most relationships are just like that well-practiced dance. He makes this move, and I respond with this move. He puts his feet in this place, and I position my feet in this next position. As with partners on the dance floor who have practiced for years, our marriages can run on autopilot. He makes the dinner, and I clean up. He makes the first move in bed, and I respond. I tidy up the house, and he does the yard work. He tells me how beautiful I am and I write notes for him to find around the house. If both parties are happy with this arrangement and it is working for their marriage, then it is a wonderful benefit of being married. Sometimes being on autopilot is efficient - it saves time from negotiating each and every task or interpersonal exchange.

Inevitably though, things change over time. Perhaps a child came along, and so the person in charge of charge of initiating sex rolls over and falls asleep instead. Perhaps a new, more time consuming job comes along and so the house doesn’t get tidied as often. Maybe someone gets sick, and so the dinner routine becomes ordering take out. Sometimes the compliments and little notes become casualties of the immediacy of life. If couples are able to negotiate these changes in life with open communication about their expectations and needs, and find that there is compromise (at the very least) on these expectations and needs, then usually things proceed on well.

However, when couples become disappointed with each other because of lack of or ineffective communication, the dance can change into something that is not longer fun to watch or participate in to one which is jarring and uncomfortable. No longer do the steps flow, but now he steps on her foot and she jerks back and he lurches forward to catch her and she moves her feet out of the way to avoid getting stepped on again. And yet, if the couple doesn’t stop and take stock of what is off-course, it is easy to fall into a new, awkward dance pattern.

It might look like this: he doesn’t seem happy anymore so she is cautious when he walks through the door. He sees that she is not exuberant to see him, and so he brushes past her to go see the kids. She feels ignored and so she doesn’t ask him about his day. He feels insignificant so after dinner, he withdraws to watch TV. She follows him into the TV room and complains that he never talks to her anymore. He feels nagged and responds by withdrawing further, maybe even to the guest room for the night. And on and on. Many times we have our own “dances” that we fall into - patterns which are highly predictable when we actually break them down into their individual steps.

The advantage of recognizing these patterns is that it empowers us to do something different. And we don’t both have to recognize the pattern - one of us will do. In fact, one small change in that old familiar pattern can affect a whole new chain of events. So, in the example above, what if the wife’s reaction to her husband’s unhappiness had been to greet him at the door with a warm, “welcome home, honey”? Or he had seen her cautious behaviour and gave her a big hug anyways? Either of those actions could have circumvented the other steps which led to his sleeping the guest room.

So, if you two are fighting repeatedly about the same subject, you can make changes which will alter the outcome of the “same old fight”.

Not convinced that one person can make such a change?

Let me put it to you this way: imagine that you are with your spouse and the two of you are feeling loving towards each other and having a time of really connecting. Maybe you are having a deep conversation or enjoying an activity that you both love. Can you think of a way in which you can completely derail your time together and make it go from great to awful? Of course you do. All couples know how to push each other’s buttons. If I want to annoy Eric, I stomp on the imaginary brake on my side of the car to show I don’t like how he is driving. If I really want to piss him off, I just have to question his integrity!

So, if you can identify what will get them angry, then you can certainly identify what makes them loving. And you can start practicing pushing those buttons instead.

Here are a few tips and suggestions if you want to break the patterns of behaviour that feel like the same old thing in your relationship which don’t lead to a positive end:

• Do a 180 - do something that is the complete opposite of what you normally do. Do you always jump into the middle of your husband’s relationship with your kids because you think he has an overly strict disciplinary style with them? Why don’t you stop and see what changes happen? Perhaps when you get out of the way, he will have a chance to see his behaviour for what it is and pull back again. Or perhaps you will learn a new level of respect for his desire to put boundaries on your kids. Or perhaps your kids will thrive without you interfering with Dad’s techniques. You won’t know until you try.

• Act “as if” - if everything was going the way you wanted it to be, how would you be acting differently? Let’s say your spouse has a lousy attitude lately. Perhaps you even know why his/her attitude stinks - s/he is stressed at work, worried about finances, etc - but it still doesn’t change the fact that his/her attitude stinks. Has this changed your reaction to him/her? Have you stopped doing the little things (that are actually large things in a loving relationship) which you normally would do? Think about re-implementing them regardless of his/her attitude right now.

• Stop doing “more of the same” - if giving your spouse the cold shoulder, or talking until you are blue in the face, or moping around the house is not producing the changes that you want to see in your spouse then stop. Try something new (see the above two points!)

Recognizing the patterns in your relationship is empowering. But so is effecting positive change. So many times, we get so mired down in the tedium of everyday life that we fail to see that we can respond differently and get different results. We only see the forest rather than the individual trees.

Here are my questions for you:

1. What dance in your life do you want to change?
2. What are the steps of that dance?
3. What will you do differently to try for a different outcome?

Share your stories with me!

Sex is Like Typing

Today I converted. Mac has been proselytizing long and hard and has finally won my heart. Perhaps I fell in love the trendy guy who plays Mac in the commercials on TV. Perhaps it is because so many of my friends have Macs. Perhaps it is that every time I sit in my husband’s office, I get jealous because he has a Mac and I do not.

For the last year or so, my husband and I have had an on going discussion about a new computer. It was not a question of “if” but “when”. My laptop was far too old. And while age in and of itself was not enough reason for me to go through the pain of moving my life from one computer to another, the fact that it took 7 minutes to boot up was grating severely on my nerves. (Yes, I timed it.) So, the question turned to the type of computer I would get. I was angling for a Mac, but my husband declared that I was not “Mac Worthy”. I felt like I was stuck in an old Seinfield episode. You know the one…”sponge worthy”.

It is true that I do not do the incredibly tech-y things that Mac is designed for. I am not designing websites; I am writing copy. I am not editing graphics; I am sketching my ideas by hand. All the people who design my sites and edit my graphics have Macs. Technically, I don’t NEED one.

But Macs are sexy. And fast. And you can shut the cover without turning off the entire computer.

Finally, my husband and I came to a compromise. We have a friend who has a lightly-used Mac laptop, and we would buy it off of him. I get the benefits of a Mac without the full weight of the price tag.

So today, I am typing on a new keyboard and getting used to its nuances. I choose the smaller computer intentionally so that I can take it with me on the road. (There is nothing worse than having an idea for a blog and writing it on a scrap of paper that inevitably gets lost.) The downside to a smaller computer is that the keyboard is slightly smaller as well. And I am finding that the “Y” key is sticking a bit. I have to hit it a bit harder to get it to work. But everything else is rainbows and unicorns - just like they promise it will be on the commercials!  All of this reminds me of an illustration I use when teaching clients about sexuality.

Sex is like typing.

If your goal is to be a phenomenal lover, it takes time, practice and feedback to learn how to hit the right keys at the right time to get the desired outcome. If you are not getting feedback, you won’t be a good typist. If you don’t practice, you won’t be a good typist. Our bodies are a lot like this keyboard.

But, let’s change up the illustration a bit. In real life, our “keyboard” actually changes over time. Sometimes, only a couple keys are out of place. If they are keys that we don’t use often such a “q” or “x”, it will probably take us a while to notice. But if the “a” or the “t” suddenly moved places, we will take heed immediately. If someone switched our normal keyboard for a Dvorak keyboard on us, we would probably come unglued.

In our sex lives, we need to realize that change is inevitable. What worked in your sex life when you got married might not work after you have had kids and will most likely not work after menopause. Throw in a chronic illness or job loss or depression and you are getting calls from a completely different playbook altogether.

You can approach these changes in a couple ways:

1. You realize that change is bound to happen and so you shore up your communication skills. That way, when change does come, you have a way to express your needs to your spouse and sort through the challenges together.
2. You can get all pissy and pout about the drain of kids, or getting older, or whatever else is bothering you - with all that free time you’re going to have when you stop having sex altogether.

You get to choose. Do you want to be reactive or proactive?

One last thought. Think of all the new things you will get to try as you take your new “keyboard” out for a whirl over the years. The very fact that change is inevitable forces us to get out of the rut we have fallen in, look at our spouse through new lenses, and learn about each other in a deeper way. This process, when done well, builds incredible intimacy.

Me? I am embracing change today. Good-bye, PC, I will not miss thee.  I’ll learn to live with a sticky Y key.  Worst-case scenario is that I type in “sexy” and only get “sex” on the page.  And getting sex when you weren’t expecting it ain’t all bad!!

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