Creating space for meaningful conversations about sexual intimacy.

 

Posts tagged: cuddle

Post Halloween Reflections

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Since my daughter is still young, Halloween is a HUGE event in our household. The conversations about costumes and candy and safety begin literally weeks before the big event. This year, Riley’s teacher fully embraced the season and read what Riley called “spooky-scary” books to them, wore Halloween ties and pumpkin earrings, and sent home a list of ways to be safe and responsible while Trick or Treating. Riley was so excited that she could barely see straight.

One morning, she announced to me that her teacher had said that they could wear heels to the class Halloween party, as long as they “went with the outfit”.

Now, allow me to give you a little insight on my daughter. She is a fashionista. Young though she is, she has an innate sense of style – albeit her own unique style which often involves pairing pink fluffy dresses with cowboy boots and a string of costume pearls. I seriously doubt that you would find anything even remotely resembling a “Riley Line” on the catwalks of Wal-Mart much less Milan or Paris. But it nevertheless emanates from who she is and how she wants to present herself to the world.  And ever since her MiMi bought her first (and only) pair for her this summer, she has absolutely adored heels.

So after her big announcement regarding the permissibility of wearing heels, I then asked her, “What do you want to be for Halloween?”

“A WITCH!” She cried excitedly.

“Do witches wear heels??” I was a little dubious.

“THIS witch does!” She grinned from ear to ear. Her enthusiasm was matched only by her self-confidence.  However, in an unfortunate blow to fashionable Halloween witches everywhere, when we went looking for costumes, she decided that big pointy hats and black shawls were not so stylish and she ended up going as a mermaid.  And with the same enthusiasm she employed towards her first idea, she made no bones about the fact that mermaids also wear heels.

And so, when the big night finally rolled around, we dressed up and unashamedly set off to randomly knock on doors, beg for food and take candy from strangers.

Like all kids, Riley loves the costumes and candy, but I love the community spirit that Halloween builds. It is one of the few times when we actually see and interact with our neighbours. Parents linger along the streets as their children go from door to door. I met – for the first time – the moms and dads of many of Riley’s schoolmates. I walked through my neighbourhood rather than driving. I slowed down. I chatted. I began relationships.

One couple in particular stood out to me. As they walked along, they held hands and were as warm in their affection for each other as the night was cold. But when I realized that they newly dating and not married, it made me very sad that they were showing up all the rest of us who were.

But it also gave me pause to think, as I grabbed Eric’s hand and cuddled up to him.  I know for a fact that I am more in love with my husband than she is with her boyfriend.  I know this because we have 18 years of history, of moments lived and memories shared.  So why on earth would I not be more affectionate towards my husband?

So here is my thought for you: make time this week for a little PDA (public display of affection) with your spouse. Nothing obscene, of course.  But hold a hand, give a smooch, link arms together. And then write me to tell what you did and what the reaction was around you. I want to know!

And then have some left over candy as a “reward”!

Four Kisses a Day – thoughts

Last week, I had the privilege of being my daughter’s guest at her school’s annual Spring Tea. In her class, there is a mix of 3, 4 and 5 year-olds and they had all been busy for weeks making the preparations to serve their parents at this special event. As the parents waited in the hall outside the classroom, the children came out one at a time to speak to their parent and say, “Welcome to our Spring Tea. Won’t you come in?” The little girls finished their request with a curtsy and the boys bowed. We were then escorted to our assigned tables, complete with place cards. The theme of the tea was Mexico, so once everyone was seated, the children served us lemonade, chips and hot sauce, and quesadillas. It was incredibly sweet to see them so very excited, and yet behaving like proper little hosts and hostesses as they fulfilled all their duties.

After we had our goodies served to us, the children when to the front of the classroom and sang to us (mostly in Spanish) for about 10 minutes. Cameras flashed and video recorders whirled as all the parents attempted to capture this performance for posterity. My favourite song was called “Four Hugs a Day”. They introduced it in Spanish, but not speaking the language myself, I didn’t have a clue what it was. I was fortunate because after the first verse in Spanish, they sang it in English. And here is how it goes:

Four hugs a day, that’s the minimum.
Four hugs a day, NOT the maximum.
Step One: Look them right in the eye
Step Two: Face to face
Step Three: Reach out your arms
Step Four: You can’t do any harm with
Four hugs a day, that’s the minimum.
Four hugs a day, NOT the maximum
.”

Needless to say, all the parents beamed with pride. How can you NOT hug your kid after a performance like that??!!

But evidently, the theme of Four a Day doesn’t seem limited to school Spring Teas!

If you follow me on Twitter, then you might have seen me retweet some things from @hismilkmaid (her Twitter name).  One of her posts was on a study out of England that I thought was really interesting.  Recently the UK newspaper, The Telegraph, reported that a new study has come out which says that couples who kiss four times a day are more likely to stay married.  (if you want to read the article you can, here.) In fact, if you want the whole prescription for success according to the study, it’s:

  • kissing 4 times a day
  • having sex 2-3 times a week
  • staying in touch during the day (by phone, email, text, etc.)
  • enjoying two romantic meals out each month
  • spending three nights of the week cuddling on the sofa together and
  • getting away for a couple of romantic weekends each year
  • one annual foreign holiday

These activities shore up the foundation of your relationship and helps ward off divorce.  I made special note of the “annual foreign holiday” to my husband, who smiled and said, “I guess we’ll have to take our chances” and winked.  Oh well, even if I don’t get a yearly trip to someplace exotic the rest of these really are great ideas for couples.

So in light of this study, here are my coaching tips for the day:

  • Kiss on your wife or husband today (yes, four times!). Try a couple warm kisses and a couple deep kisses (remember what those are??).  Why not throw in a couple of extra little kisses on the top of their head as you walk by them.
  • Send an email or text (their preferred method) telling them how much they mean to you.
  • Be intentionally intimate with your lover – have sex tonight!
  • Plan a romantic dinner with your lover.  Go out to a nice restaurant or stay home and make a romantic dinner right there in your own home – you could picnic on your bed for instance.

And for those wanting more than something that can be done today:

  • Start saving for and booking a getaway night or weekend for the two of you. Send the kids to relatives, do a kid-swap with friends (they take your kids one weekend and you take theirs another weekend), hire a young married couple to come for the weekend to babysit. Get creative and get it done!

And lastly, with apologies to my daughter’s pre-school class, and sing with me…

Four kisses a day, that’s the minimum.
Four kisses a day, NOT the maximum.
Step One: Look them right in the eye
Step Two: Face to face
Step Three: Pucker up your lips
Step Four: You can’t do any harm with
Four kisses a day, that’s the minimum.
Four kisses a day, NOT the maximum
.”

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