An Open Letter to my Husband

Dear Husband,
I love the fact that you are always on the lookout for new information on my business. What I do just wouldn’t be the same without you. Not only are you my VP of Research & Development (a job with little pay but many perks) you are also the love of my life. And so, when you sent me a not-so-subtle email message about this article that you found (“THIS IS A MUST READ”), I was quite happy to oblige.

As I read the article, I wondered how much you were actually saying to me. I talk about the importance of communication all the time, and yet it is so easy to let the sound of our own voices be drowned out by the cacophony of daily life. It is easy to talk about communication, but it is much more difficult to do. Perhaps you were telling me something…something that you had never quite found the words to express yourself. And so I looked for little pieces of you throughout the writings of this author. His raw honesty was both refreshing and disturbing and has me asking a lot of questions.

What do you mean that guys are “sick of date night“? Isn’t that our time to spend alone time with you? Oh right… You like to be surprised too. You like spontaneity. I used to do random little things for you all the time before we had our daughter and I don’t find enough time to do them anymore. I bet you miss those times and wish we had them back. I get it. I need to schedule spontaneity until it (hopefully) evolves into a naturally occurring event.

And do you really, honestly, think that I am hot when I am bending over to put dirty dishes in the dishwasher? Really? Is that why you are always grabbing my butt when I am trying to clean up the kitchen? Instead of finding it annoying, I guess I should change my perspective. It seems that in the midst of the mundane, you are still attracted to me, and I need to appreciate it for what it is.

And you are turned on by the fact that I am the mother of your daughter? And your time with the guys actually makes you excited to come back home to me? And when you reach to hold me in the middle of the night, it’s not just because you want to have sex??? Amazing. Simply amazing.

I see a whole new side to you through the eyes of this tidbit on the internet. And I love what I see because I have a whole new respect for who you are and what you need from me. Thanks for sending me the link, honey. And plan for some spontaneity tonight! Nudge, nudge, wink, wink!

Couples - read the article together and give me your comments:
What Your Husband Wants You to Know, But Isn’t Telling You

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PDA - public display of affection

I go to Hip Hop classes. Yes, that’s right. It’s my way of taking my own advice. You see, when I am contorting my body into all sorts of new positions which feel incredibly awkward all the while trying to make them look sexy and full of attitude, I get in touch with my inner diva a bit better. I love the sweat dripping off me at the end of my class because it is proof that I really worked hard, even if I sucked at it. I love the sense of accomplishment that comes when I get a move coordinated to the proper beat of the music. I love the fact that I dance with a bunch of middle-aged moms who, like me, are trying to regain a bit of their youth through this class. I love pretending that my husband is in the audience getting totally turned on by my new moves.

After class is over, the ‘tude is dropped and we all morph back into the suburban moms that we are in our real lives and troop over to the local Starbucks. LL Cool J would be so proud. Anyways, tonight we were enjoying conversation about our kids and their dance classes (and how much better than us they are), and all of a sudden our gaze was irresistibly drawn to a young couple who had walked in, arm in arm. After placing their order, they moved over to the pick up counter, and while they were waiting for their coffees (or vanilla cream frappachinos), they embraced and proceeded to kiss. Now, make no mistake - I’m not talking a little peck on the lips. I’m talking the full-on open-mouth French kiss.  Also known as: lip locking, mugging down, tongue wrestling, spit swapping, or my husband’s personal favourite - tonsil hockey.  (when we were dating he liked to refer to himself as the Wayne Gretzke of tonsil hockey)

The reaction around our table was quite interesting. I mean, just 20 minutes before this little public display of  affection, we were throwing our boobs around and grabbing our crotches as we prepped for our dance recital (yes, this is truly part of our dance). You would think – given how comfortable we have become with groping ourselves in front of other people – that some PDA wouldn’t faze us in the slightest.  You might even think that we would have whistled or cheered or clapped.  But that was not our reaction.

Instead, the table suddenly went completely quiet. And then the obligatory “get a room” comment was thrown out. And then we all tittered about how inappropriate it was – those two standing in our Starbucks stoking the flames of their hormones.

But as I drove home, I wondered when was the last time these women kissed their husbands like that young couple. Come to think of it, when was the last time I kissed my husband like that? Are we so offended because this behaviour is truly inappropriate (after all, we watch far worse on TV, movies, dance videos, and the like)? Or are we offended because it is a face to face reminder of what we have let slide in our own relationships? Something that we have let go. Something that we deeply miss, when we are being honest with ourselves.

I recently had a friend point out an article in a magazine. It talked about relationships and sex, and concluded by saying that if we still had the passion that had before we got married, we would never get anything else done besides having sex. Now, I don’t know about that, but I sure think those kids in the Starbucks were having more fun than we were.

When is the last time you kissed your spouse like he was your lover (or like she was your lover)?

Four Kisses a Day - thoughts

Last week, I had the privilege of being my daughter’s guest at her school’s annual Spring Tea. In her class, there is a mix of 3, 4 and 5 year-olds and they had all been busy for weeks making the preparations to serve their parents at this special event. As the parents waited in the hall outside the classroom, the children came out one at a time to speak to their parent and say, “Welcome to our Spring Tea. Won’t you come in?” The little girls finished their request with a curtsy and the boys bowed. We were then escorted to our assigned tables, complete with place cards. The theme of the tea was Mexico, so once everyone was seated, the children served us lemonade, chips and hot sauce, and quesadillas. It was incredibly sweet to see them so very excited, and yet behaving like proper little hosts and hostesses as they fulfilled all their duties.

After we had our goodies served to us, the children when to the front of the classroom and sang to us (mostly in Spanish) for about 10 minutes. Cameras flashed and video recorders whirled as all the parents attempted to capture this performance for posterity. My favourite song was called “Four Hugs a Day”. They introduced it in Spanish, but not speaking the language myself, I didn’t have a clue what it was. I was fortunate because after the first verse in Spanish, they sang it in English. And here is how it goes:

“Four hugs a day, that’s the minimum.
Four hugs a day, NOT the maximum.
Step One: Look them right in the eye
Step Two: Face to face
Step Three: Reach out your arms
Step Four: You can’t do any harm with
Four hugs a day, that’s the minimum.
Four hugs a day, NOT the maximum.”

Needless to say, all the parents beamed with pride. How can you NOT hug your kid after a performance like that??!!

But evidently, the theme of Four a Day doesn’t seem limited to school Spring Teas!

If you follow me on Twitter, then you might have seen me retweet some things from @hismilkmaid (her Twitter name).  One of her posts was on a study out of England that I thought was really interesting.  Recently the UK newspaper, The Telegraph, reported that a new study has come out which says that couples who kiss four times a day are more likely to stay married.  (if you want to read the article you can, here.) In fact, if you want the whole prescription for success according to the study, it’s:

• kissing 4 times a day
• having sex 2-3 times a week
• staying in touch during the day (by phone, email, text, etc.)
• enjoying two romantic meals out each month
• spending three nights of the week cuddling on the sofa together and
• getting away for a couple of romantic weekends each year
• one annual foreign holiday

These activities shore up the foundation of your relationship and helps ward off divorce.  I made special note of the “annual foreign holiday” to my husband, who smiled and said, “I guess we’ll have to take our chances” and winked.  Oh well, even if I don’t get a yearly trip to someplace exotic the rest of these really are great ideas for couples.

So in light of this study, here are my coaching tips for the day:

• Kiss on your wife or husband today (yes, four times!). Try a couple warm kisses and a couple deep kisses (remember what those are??).  Why not throw in a couple of extra little kisses on the top of their head as you walk by them.

• Send an email or text (their preferred method) telling them how much they mean to you.

• Be intentionally intimate with your lover – have sex tonight!

• Plan a romantic dinner with your lover.  Go out to a nice restaurant or stay home and make a romantic dinner right there in your own home – you could picnic on your bed for instance.

And for those wanting more than something that can be done today:

• Start saving for and booking a getaway night or weekend for the two of you. Send the kids to relatives, do a kid-swap with friends (they take your kids one weekend and you take theirs another weekend), hire a young married couple to come for the weekend to babysit. Get creative and get it done!

And lastly, with apologies to my daughter’s pre-school class, and sing with me…

“Four kisses a day, that’s the minimum.
Four kisses a day, NOT the maximum.
Step One: Look them right in the eye
Step Two: Face to face
Step Three: Pucker up your lips
Step Four: You can’t do any harm with
Four kisses a day, that’s the minimum.
Four kisses a day, NOT the maximum.”

Four Kisses a Day

Keeping Romance Alive

Sharing two hobbies, having three cuddles every 24 hours, saying at least one ‘I love you’ a day and enjoying two romantic meals a month could also help ensure a lasting liaison.

Researchers also discovered the husband and wife who will stay true to their ’til death us do part’ vow will have met through friends – and tied the knot after three and a half years together.

More than 3,000 married adults were polled to discover the secrets of their success in staying together.

Carol Richardson of confetti.co.uk said: “The research shows just how many components make up the perfect marriage, including the ideal age gap, dating duration and time to get married.

“After wedding hype is over, the study shows how important it is to keep the magic alive with regular kisses, cuddles and romantic nights out.”

The study found the longest-lasting marriages involve a man who walked down the aisle at the age of 31 – two years and three months older than their partner.

They should also say ‘I love you’ to each other at least once every day and have sex three times a week.

To keep the spark alive the poll found that married folk should enjoy two romantic meals out each month and spend three nights of the week cuddling on the sofa together.

They will also keep in regular touch – even when they are at work – through at least three phone calls, text messages or emails.

Two surprise weekends away every year, one annual foreign holiday and two UK breaks will also keep the marriage strong.

But while the ideal couple will share two hobbies, the study also revealed it’s important to keep some independence by having two separate nights out with friends a month.

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Full article: www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/4902206/Four-kisses-a-day-are-key-to-long-lasting-marriage-survey-suggests.html

Photo: The Telegraph

Missing the woman I fell in love with

By Josh Lerman on parenting.com

Tue April 7, 2009

(Parenting.com) — My wife and I share a home and a bed. We kiss goodbye in the morning and hello in the evening with such ritualistic regularity that if one of them somehow gets missed, I worry it means bad luck.

We have a marriage in which we tell each other things, without large, dramatic fights, a marriage that in our affection and respect for each other seems awfully good in comparison to those of most of our friends.

But somehow in the past ten years or so since our first daughter was born, in the mad swirl of breastfeeding and colic, of Pull-Ups and wipes, dinners and playdates, car repairs and sweeping, versions of each other that we used to take for granted — versions of our relationship — have gone missing.

Christina and I met around 20 years ago. The friend of a friend of one of my college roommates, she appeared to me first at a party a few weeks after graduation. I thought she was gorgeous, and remember standing in the kitchen talking to her, trying to make her laugh.

She left the party early, and I later heard she’d gone off to Europe. There was a boyfriend.

But through the coincidences of social life in a big city, I ended up living with a high school friend of hers, while she returned to New York to work in the same office as another friend of mine from college. We became part of each other’s circle of friends.

Over the next year or two, as we spent time with each other on a semi-regular basis, our banter became more flirtatious, and I finally asked what she was doing Friday night. She answered “Something with you,” and we’ve been together ever since.

What I remember most about our first years together was our laughter. We giggled in bed at night and over the course of long weekend mornings, lying on our backs, legs draped across each other’s legs. Shameless hilarity in restaurants, malls, on the sidewalk — a private world of absurdity and delight, in love with the ridiculousness of the world and each other.

We moved in together, married, and bought an apartment. Jobs gotten and lost, money pressures, depression, a relative’s drinking problem, fertility issues — the stuff of adult life — all pounded at us but ultimately pushed us closer. At last we became parents together, sharing the shocking face-smack of responsibility and obligation that comes with the precarious-seeming beauty of infancy.

Of course we were still silly together — it’s who we were — but there was less time, less energy. Christina’s body, during pregnancy and breastfeeding, and even after, it seemed, was owned by our daughter Olivia. The baby was lavished with affection, but maybe not husband and wife so much.

The baby was tickled and sung to and spoken nonsense to and made to laugh, but maybe not the husband and wife so much.

A new job, more fertility trials, the dehumanizing infinity of adoption paperwork capped by waiting, waiting, and finally our baby, a second daughter, Lucy. Our life continued, almost on autopilot.

The children grow and their needs change. They must be fed, the mortgage paid, the sidewalk shoveled, bedtimes enforced. The obligations — to the preschool, the PTA, my job, Christina’s work, Olivia’s preposterously plentiful homework — are a constant, staticky background to our lives.

My wife and I support each other, can count on the other, and on random weekends away can recapture flashes of that old lightheartedness.

And there are new shared pleasures: looking at each other in baffled rapture at the half-wit brilliance of 4-year-old Lucy explaining “how they make grass”; beaming with outsize pride at 9-year-old Olivia’s dance-recital seriousness and grace; witnessing a spontaneous, unexpected gesture of affection from an older sister to a younger. And the attempted mom-dad hugs in the kitchen dissolving into four-headed laughing kiss-fests.

But it’s too little, too fleeting. We spend so much of our lives passing each other on the way somewhere. Me on the way to see whether the sudden, eerie silence from the girls’ room is Lucy scaling her dresser like a climbing wall (it is). Christina on the way to the basement to put the laundry in the dryer because no, I have to admit, it wouldn’t occur to me to do it on my own.

Our bedtimes drift apart — Christina’s closer to the girls’, mine later toward a precious hour or two of private, need-free quiet time listening to music, reading, or watching bad TV.

What’s gone is the pure selfishness that brought us together. Something that belonged only to us, that was unique to us and part of us, has gotten lost.

But isn’t this what happens in life — that what I remember was a time, not a thing, and we can no more recapture those versions of ourselves than we can travel to ancient Rome? That a normal part of becoming an adult, of raising a family together, is leaving behind treasured swaths of the love affair that got us here — the mindless lust, the inside jokes, the laughter? Perhaps. But even so, selfish though it may be, I miss my wife.

So we must build on what we had — what we still have. We’re different people now, in different lives. We’ve changed, and so our love must change. The problem isn’t really that something is lost. It’s that we’ve been looking in the wrong direction, sitting there waiting for something to materialize instead of getting up and making it ourselves.

We’ll have to try a little harder to see past the day-to-day. If I do, I’ll find my wife — she’s in the basement taking stuff out of the dryer.

And if she can postpone bedtime for just a few minutes (please!), she’ll find me down in the living room watching bad TV. I can’t tell you how easy it would be to get me to turn that damn thing off.

By Josh Lerman

Copyright 2009 The Parenting Group. All rights reserved.  Read the original article here.

And read Eryn-Faye’s response to this article in her blog, then share your thoughts too!

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Eryn-Faye on Marriage Uncensored with Dave and Christie

On March 15th, Marriage Uncensored with Dave and Christie asked me to come on the show and talk to them about my role as Canada’s Passion Coach. They wanted the discussion to revolve around the kind of questions that I get asked “behind closed doors” by women and men. The episode is only 24 minutes long (half-hour show) but we cover a lot of ground! You can watch the entire show here, or download it and watch it later. You can even get the audio for your ipod. Hope you enjoy!

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Learning to Date Again

Why is it that we stop dating when we get married? Theoretically, once we live under the same roof we should have more money to spend on each other because we have combined expenses. Are we afraid of spending time alone because we have forgotten what to talk about? Do we confuse quality time together with the fact that we are in the same room watching TV together? If we are going to keep that spark alive – the one that drew us to each other in the first place – then it needs to be nurtured. And one of the best ways to nurture it is to date each other!

How do you do it? Here are five ideas:

1.    Start dating again. Choose to go on regular dates with your spouse. Put the date on the calendar, book a babysitter, make reservations at a restaurant, purchase tickets to the game and go! If you are out of the habit, then begin dating your spouse once a month and make it easy to remember (for example, the first Saturday of the month is date night). Make it your goal to decrease the time in between so that you eventually go on dates once a week.

2.    Don’t let cost get in the way. I promise you, the cost of having regular dates is far less than the cost of a divorce. Build the expense of your dates into your budget so that you know how much you can spend and not feel guilty about it. Remember that this money is an investment into your marriage. However, if you are really pinching pennies, then get creative. Set up a babysitting co-op with friends: you watch their kids one night, and then they watch your kids another night. Go on inexpensive dates: have coffee at a local coffee shop; park close to the airport and watch the planes come in; take a long walk together.

3.    Try a “Happy Camper” Date. For a lot of couples, just trying to decide what to do on their date causes conflict because they have different interests and tastes. Here’s how the “happy camper” date works: one week you go on a date and your husband gets to choose what he activity he wants the two of you to do. (He gets to pick the movie, the restaurant, the hockey game, etc.) You go on this date with a great attitude – you are the “happy camper” this week. However, the following week, it is his turn to be the happy camper and do whatever you would like to do without complaining. This experience gives us greater insight into what makes our spouse tick and it builds our common history together which, in turn, leads to a stronger marriage.

4.    Set the rules of the date. The focus of the date is the two of you deepening your relationship together as a couple. So consider limiting your conversations about the kids or work (these can often be all consuming topics). If this leaves you nothing to talk about, then think of things that you used to talk about before the kids came along, what is going on in the world around you, or get a book which gives you questions to ask each other. Learning to talk again as two lovers may feel awkward at first, but the more you practice it, the easier it will be.

5.    Put some effort into your appearance. Remember spending hours in front of the mirror or in the closet picking out the perfect outfit when you were first going out? Fixing your hair so that it looked just right (women – this isn’t just directed at you. I have known plenty of men who spend more time on their hair than women!) Doesn’t your spouse deserve the same now? The art of attraction should never be neglected or lost simply because your partner said “I do.”

One of my coaching clients had an amazing perspective on marriage. She told me that her spouse is the one person who will be witness to her journey through life. We leave our parents’ home, our kids eventually leave ours, we change jobs and friends move away. But our spouse stays with us and we build a common history together over the years. Solidify this history with memories of the two of you.

How often do you go on dates with your spouse?

Want some tips?  Read Learning to Date Again

10 Ways to Reconnect with Your Spouse as Lover

In my business, I often ask couples to tell me what hinders them from having the sex life they dream about. The number one answer that I get is, “the kids.” These parents deeply love their children, but are keenly aware that their sex life began to abate when little Johnnie or little Susie was born. We live in a culture which dotes on children - we make them the center of our world; we make sure that they are exposed to every possible activity so that they can thrive in adulthood; we keep them up with us until we go to bed so that we can spend as much time with them as possible.

The problem with having our kids as an exclusive focus in our marriage is that we forget the romance, the friendship, and the attraction that drew us together in the first place. So many times, couples have very little to say when I ask what they talk about besides the topic of their kids. It seems to be the only thing that they have in common. However, if we want a long-lasting relationship with this person, we need to remember that the kids will eventually leave home (after all, we are raising adults, not children). And when that happens, we want to make sure that our companionship together was not built wholly on them.

Here are 10 ways that you can stay connected with your spouse as a lover, not just as a parent:

1. Start dating again. Go on regular dates with your spouse. Begin with once a month and then increase the frequency so that eventually you go on dates once a week. #1 rule of the date: No talking about the kids! If you are struggling about things to talk about, think of things that you used to talk about before the kids came along, what is going on in the world around you, or get a book which gives you questions to ask each other. Learning to talk about as lovers may feel awkward at first, but the more you practice it, the easier it will be.
2. Establish good sleep patterns for your children. This includes having a regular bedtime for them that is earlier that when you and your spouse go to bed. If your kids are younger, have a set time when they have to be in their rooms even if their lights are not out. Not only is this good for your sex life, but it is also essential for the health of your children.[1] Need some advice on how much sleep your kids actually need? Check out the National Sleep Foundation’s recommendations here.
3. Establish good sleep patterns for yourself! Oftentimes, we fall into the trap of thinking, “If I stay up later, I can get more done.” However, exhaustion ultimately makes us less effective and it also undermines our sexual relationship (which, in turn, undermines our marriage). So, get into a bedtime routine which ensures that you will get enough hours of sleep. Not sure how much is enough? Find out here.
4. Take time each day to connect emotionally. Have a time each day where you and your spouse sit down together and have a short conversation without the children present. Let the children know that Mom and Dad need ten minutes alone and make sure that they have something that can keep them occupied and safe during this time. This allows you to connect daily but it also models to your children the importance of your relationship together as a couple. They will reap the benefits of this modeling when they have their own relationships.
5. Make sex a priority. Sex is the one thing that sets your spouse apart from a really good friend. It is the physical and spiritual connection that you have with this special someone that you share with no other. Set up “sex dates” so that you don’t allow too much time to pass between sexual encounters. Get answers to any physical difficulties that you are experiencing. Stop making excuses (when the kids get older, this will get better…).
6. Ensure privacy. Are you one of those people who can’t get past the idea of your children walking in on you in the throes of passion? Start teaching your children the importance of Mommy-Daddy alone time. This is time when the two of you focus solely on each other.  It doesn’t have to be sex every time, but once the kids understand the importance of the uninterrupted time, you can worry less about, well, interruptions. But just to be on the safe side, put a lock on your door and get a white noise machine so that you can ensure that you will not be seen or heard by the kids. After all, the modeling I spoke of earlier only goes so far!
7. Begin a regular exercise routine. What does this have to do with sex??? The science behind arousal is all about blood flow. When you are working out on a consistent basis, you are increasing blood flow to your extremities and you can reap the benefits of this in the bedroom. Not convinced? Exercising also leads to a better body image, helps us sleep better and reduces stress - all of which make intimacy easier.
8. Variety is the spice of life! We all have our favorites (and knowing your spouse’s favorites is great way to make your marriage sizzle) but variety expands our horizons. How do you find our whether your kids like PB&J sandwiches? Or curry? Or sushi? You let them try. So, add something new to your “menu” once a month. If you both hate it, then scratch it off the list of things you will do again. However, you might be surprised and find a new favourite!
9. Find out what makes your spouse feel loved. As spouse who feels loved is much more likely to want to jump into bed. Do they need a back massage? A heart-to-heart talk? An afternoon away from the kids? A compliment on how good they look? A love note tucked into the laptop? How about the having the toilets scrubbed? Find out what sets the stage for romance for your lover and then do it unbidden.
10. Get out of town! Vacation sex is the best. The kids aren’t around (so you don’t have to be quiet or worry about them walking in on you), you can sleep when you want to, you don’t have to get home to a babysitter and you have time to linger. Figure out a way to spend at least one weekend a year away from the kids and try to increase this frequency as the years go on. If you don’t have a relative or babysitter to watch the kids, do an exchange with friends. You take their kids one weekend and then they take your kids another weekend. It’s a win/win for both couples.

Not to put too fine a point on it, there is a reason KT Oslin wrote the lyrics “Don’t kiss me like we’re married…Kiss me like we’re lovers”. All too often we separate the two - especially once kids come along. Never let that passion for each other fade away. It is much easier to stay connected in the first place than it is to re-connect after years of simply parenting together. As my husband likes to say, “parallel parenting is great so long as you can be horizontal in the bedroom too!”

If the spark is fading, then take the steps now to rekindle the passion that you once had (or always wanted). If you still “got it”, then don’t lose it through neglect. Work on it like you were losing it, and you will always have it!

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[1] In the September 1 Issue of the Journal of SLEEP, Jacques Montplaisir, MD, of the Sleep Disorders Center at Sacre-Coeur Hospital in Montreal, Canada concluded that children who do not get enough sleep are at higher risk of obesity, ADHD and slower cognitive abilities.

Rediscovering Passion

In the course of my business as a Passion Coach, I have had the privilege of talking to hundreds of women about passion, sensuality, and sexuality. In all of these conversations, the best way I have heard “passion” defined was by a dear friend in California. She said to me,

“Passion is what allows me to breathe, and yet it is passion that takes my breath away.”

In that simple, and yet profound statement, she summed up the two sides of passion. On one hand, it is the essence of life because it makes us feel alive and connected. It underpins our hopes and dreams. It is the “why” to our “what” and “how”. It is the inner compass that we were given so that we wouldn’t lose our way on the journey of life. It points to the unique direction that we are supposed to go. Robin Williams’ character in the movie Dead Poet’s Society described it as “sucking the marrow out of life”. Bon Jovi described it as waking up to “French kiss the morning.” It allows us to breathe.

But passion can also be a lightening bolt that hits us out of the blue. Being blown away by a performance. Bursting into tears while listening to a song on the radio. That “ah-ha” moment where everything is just snaps into focus and is crystal clear. A look across the room that just makes your knees weak. It takes our breath away.

Unfortunately, we often allow passion to drop to the bottom of our priority list. It gets drowned out by the details of life. We sacrifice it on the alter of the convenient, the immediate, the proper, the conventional, the expected.

And so now it is…

…Simpler to make sure that little Susie gets to school on time than to realize that something that we dreamed of in our own childhood has been neglected for years … safer to plop down in front of the tube and see other people’s passions play out on screen than giving life to our own passions … easier to become roommates with our spouse rather than putting in the effort to reignite that spark that drew us together in the first place.

I am an adamant believer that passion doesn’t have to disappear. But, in order to stay alive, it must be nurtured. Or, as the author Erwin McManus puts it, “the better world you keep waiting for needs you to accept your life’s calling and responsibility, and then to create it.”[1]

If it has been so long since you paid heed to the inner compass of your passion, you might need some help rediscovering it. Here are some exercises that you can do:

1.     Spend an hour at the park with a journal. Watch the kids on the playground and remember what you were like as a child. What did you dream about? What made you most happy? What did you want to be when you grew up? What captured your imagination? What did you find interesting?

2.     Watch your favorite movie. What do you love about it? Why? What draws you to its characters? Why do you like/hate them? How does this movie inspire you to live? Does it reflect anything that you would like to emulate?

3.     Listen to music that deeply moves you. Reflect on the meaning of the words to you. What is it that evokes emotion within you? Why do you cry or laugh when you hear it? Not sure which song to choose? Here is a suggestion: “I Hope you Dance” by Lee Ann Womack.

4.     Remember your first date with your spouse. What did you enjoy the most? What did you laugh about together? Where did you go? Have you ever gone back to that place? What did you talk about? Why did you decide to go on a second date?

5.     Go to a card shop. Browse through the aisles and read cards for various people and occasions. Who are the people dearest to you? What are your fondest memories with those people? Have you slowed down enough to truly let them know how much they mean to you?

6.     Park near the airport in a place where the planes are visible. Watch them taking off or landing and think about places you have wanted to visit, things you have wanted to see, and people you have wanted to meet. (Hint: this makes a great date too!)

7.     Take an art class. I recently had a friend tell me that she had taken an oil painting class. While she does not consider herself an artist and would not classify what she did during the class as “good” in the retail sense of the word, it was an amazing eye-opener for her as to what art can draw forth. She took the class during a difficult time and her emotions came out on the canvass. It enabled her to express herself at a time when this was very difficult.

8.     Think about the messages your parents gave you about passion. Was it important in your household? Were you told that you were being silly, or did they open doors to help you discover your passions? How have you incorporated these messages into the way you think now? What are the messages that you send to your children? Are they the messages that you want to be sending?

9.     Buy an article of clothing that makes you feel incredible. How does it feel against your skin? What do you love about it - is it the colour, the shape, the fabric, the way you look in it? How does your lover respond when you wear it?

10.  Take a moment to think about your spouse’s passion. What have you done to nurture it? Have you actively campaigned against it? Do you even know what his/her passion is? What type of person would your spouse be if he/she was fully living out his/her passions?

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[1] P. 19, Wide Awake: The Future is Waiting Within You.

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