What’s All the BUZZ About?

From pre-engaged individuals to those with over 30 years of marriage - people always seem to have the same questions when it comes to the “taboo” subject of bedroom toys.  And so many don’t know where to go for the answers. But now it’s finally here!  Eryn-Faye’s first behind the scenes e-book focused specifically on Bedroom Toys.

From the perspective that only Canada’s Passion Coach can bring, Eryn-Faye targets the questions you are asking with the answers you are seeking. Eryn-Faye covers it all - from the basics of what a bedroom toy is (and isn’t) to how to talk about them with your lover.

With her trademark humor and frankness, she broaches topics you care about - Are they dirty?  Can I get addicted to them?  Why would I even want one? It’s all in there.  Wondering if you (or your lover) will become “unnecessary”?  She covers that too.

From communication skills to the infamous “walk of shame” when leaving an adult bookstore - Eryn-Faye deals with all of it. The Top 8 Questions Couples Ask About Bedroom Toys are all in here.

Isn’t it time you stopped wondering and started knowing?

You can purchase What’s All the BUZZ About for just $5 USD.

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Consummation 101

Welcome back to class.  This will be our last day of class before you “graduate”.  Feel free to have a big party tonight, but don’t pass out invitations in class unless you are inviting everyone!

But before we get too far into the celebration mode, let’s not forget that we do have a class today.  And yes, as promised, this really will focus on the sexual aspect of relationships.  No guys, if you have been diligently and patiently doing all the homework with your lady, then today’s lesson is truly well earned.  If you have sulked through class doing the bare minimums…well, then quid pro quo should not surprise you in the least.  You get what you give…

That being said, ladies - those of you who think that communication is the end-all-be-all of intimacy and understanding each other, I point you to a universally respected philosopher, Plato who said:

You can learn more from someone in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.

Not the kind of thing you would expect to hear from the guy who wrote The Republic and lectured on metaphysics in ancient Greece is it?  But it is true.

Now, I have already received quite a few emails in anticipation of this particular article.  My favorite was a simple, short question that said, “Are you teaching how to have sex?”  This is a question that I get asked all the time - especially in social settings when somebody blurts out that I am a “passion coach for sex”.  There is that awkward silence where people take that in and process it.  I usually take a deep breath and try to explain why that statement is as wrong as it is right, but someone always asks the question, “do you teach people how to have sex?”

The short of it is of course, no.  This article is not going to be a “tab A - slot B” diagram.   The underlying cause in the dramatic rise in sexless marriages in North America is not a lack of understanding of how a penis and vagina connect together.  I have yet to have anyone come to me for help and say, “I keep hearing about this thing called sex, but I have no idea what it is or how it works.”

No, for most of us, sex gets lost in the clutter of daily life, or set aside because of physical or emotional issues.   And yet physical intimacy is as important to a strong relationship as commitment and communication.  And yes, I did just switch terms from sex to physical intimacy.  They are slightly synonymous.  Sex is always physical intimacy, but physical intimacy is not always sex.

Easy guys, I am not going to say that a good cuddle can take the place of sex on a daily basis.  I don’t believe that.  But I do think both are important.  One of the issues that we face in North American culture today is that we have become so focused on goal achievement.  Now, usually this is a very good thing.  But often our greatest strength can also be our greatest weakness.  In a sexual relationship “finishing” the task at hand as quickly and efficiently as possible is not the best approach.  (the occasional “quickie” notwithstanding of course, but a healthy relationship cannot exist only on “quickies”)

Remember back to the beginning of your relationship.  Was there a time when you couldn’t wait to have sex?  All you wanted to do was run your hands all over your lover’s body and explore every inch of them?  When simply stroking their skin would lurch you both to an almost overwhelming physical response?  When you would kiss for hours because you weren’t sure the two of you were ready to take the physical further?

Physical relationships always start somewhere.  Sitting next to someone and your legs touch.  Reaching for something at the same time and your fingers brush against each another’s.  Somewhere along the way all this accidental touching changes to be more intentional.   One of you, maybe both of you at the same time, reaches for the other’s hand - and you never stop holding hands after that.

The first hug - maybe stilted and done with one arm.  The eventually that becomes a two armed hug where you lean into each other and shoulders connect but a little kid could still walk between you while you hug.  And finally, there comes the full-frontal embrace.  Arms around each other, heads tilt to opposite angles and rest on each other shoulders.  Neck touches neck.  Chest touches chest.  Belly to belly, thigh to thigh and hands move slowly up and down the back - longing to go just a little lower.

Then the first kiss.  Maybe it starts as cheeks touching and you make a little kissing noise as you do it (how very European of you).  Then it will proceed to a quick lip to lip that barely gives you time to pucker, but you think about it for hours afterwards.  Eventually you work up to that first real kiss.  It might not last for hours - maybe it is under the porch light at the end of a great date.  The first real kiss.  You are looking right at each other and your eyes keep moving from their eyes to their lips, like an unspoken ask for permission.  Then you begin the long slow movement forward as you both realize that this is going to happen.  Your lips part just as you come together and your eyes close as you give yourself over to “the kiss.”

Once that seal is broken you are kissing all the time.  You find excuses to be together just so you can kiss again.   You can be on the phone together for hours, not talking, because all you really want to do is be close to them - and when you are, talking is not the highest priority on your list.

Remember those days?  Back then we were not in a sprint to the finish line.  Sure, we probably wanted to speed things up a bit, but we were never rushed.   And yet today we are overwhelmed with activities and responsibilities and physical intimacy doesn’t get the prioritization it deserves.  Ironically, it is often the very fact that we know we can “get it” anytime that induces us to put it off - often to the point that we never do.

We have to reprioritize our lives.  If we want our relationship to grow and thrive, and not be satisfied with it simply continuing to exist, then we need to get back to the basics.  Let’s build on the foundation that we have.  Those feelings and activities might be buried under years and years of distractions and actions, but if you dig down, you will find that foundation.

Yes, I understand that you are busy, that your life is hectic and that you run at a frantic pace.  I understand that you have kids and they have some kind of built in amorous radar that forces them to suddenly need your attention if you and your lover so much as exchange a meaningful gaze.  But I also know that your sex life is important.  That it needs and deserves time and attention.  You deserve some time and attention.

So find some alone time.  Call into work sick one day and stay in bed - together.  Get up REALLY early and learn to explore each other again.  Find a friend to watch the kids for a night - or even for a few hours.  Trade off with another couple - each of you can watch the other’s kids while you go out (or stay in) once a month.

And get back to basics.  When was the last time you climbed on the bed and kissed deeply and lost track of time in each other’s embrace?  When was the last time you gave each other an hour long sensual massage - making sure to touch every single part of your lover’s body?

My husband once told me that he had a basketball coach who enforced a very strict rule.  Every time they brought the ball down court, they had to pass the ball 4 times minimum before they were allowed to shoot.  Sounds crazy doesn’t it?  What if there was an open shot?  What if they had an easy lay-up?  Didn’t matter.  The rule was 4 passes first.  I will admit that I don’t know enough about basketball to understand his rationale, but I am going to steal his concept anyway.  Next time you have sex, put this rule in place:  No vaginal penetration and no orgasms for either of you until you have both gotten fully naked, kissed deeply for at least 10 minutes and touched every part of each other’s bodies.  This is not a fast break play (to stay with the basketball analogy).  You have to intentionally build up to sex.  Nothing is to be rushed along.

Here’s a quick quiz for you:

Men: do you know what it takes for your lover to have multiple orgasms?  Wouldn’t it be great to find out?  If she has had them before with you, what is the highest number of them she has ever had (and can you beat that number)?

Women: do you know how long your lover’s refractory period is? (The refractory period is the recovery phase after orgasm during which it is physiologically impossible for a man to have additional orgasms. It is also sometimes explained as the time immediately following orgasm during which a man cannot achieve an erection.)  The best part is that there is only one way to find out the answer to this particular question…

If you are going to commit to focusing on your sex life, start first by focusing on having sex.  But focus on the full experience of it - from initial arousal through the complete build up to each person’s orgasms, then (to steal a line from hair care products) rinse and repeat.  Make physical intimacy a priority - yes, that means that something else will be pushed down the priority list.  Then schedule ahead specific times where sexual intimacy becomes THE PRIORITY.   Plan ahead.   I know, scheduling sex might not sound  like the spontaneous love making that everyone on TV is having, but it is simply to help you gain perspective on its importance.  You aren’t scheduling the sex - just the time for it.  The sex can still be spontaneous, and in fact it should be.  If you schedule one night a month where you will have long, uninterrupted time for sex, then switch back and forth on who plans it.  Talk in between times about what you like and don’t like.  What you have tried and what you haven’t (but secretly always wanted to).  Find new favorite positions or fantasies.  Have some fun.

I have coached many many people who lost the fun in sex.  I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the statement, “sex just isn’t fun anymore.”  Don’t be afraid to laugh together in the bedroom, or the kitchen table or the shower or wherever you decide to consummate your relationship again.  Sex is fun.

If you have gotten this far in the class, then you understand how integral commitment and communication are to a relationship - now you’ll find out how consummation interweaves with them as well.  None of them are complete without all of them.

So go - kiss, hug, stroke, have sex.  You heard me.  Go on.  And, maybe you shouldn’t invite anyone else to your graduation party after all.  

The Science of Kissing

Did you know that there is a science that studies kissing? It is called Philematology! Scientists study everything from the origins of kissing, to its effect on the brain, to its role in effecting long term attachment. Here are some of the things that they have found:

• Evidence suggest that kissing most likely began as a way for mothers to feed their children. Due to the lack of food processors millions of years ago, they would chew up food and pass it to their infants, mouth to mouth, so that the children could derive the benefits of nutrition of this pre-chewed food.
• There are many nerve endings in lips and tongue, which are stimulated by kissing and make it a pleasurable experience.
• There are 3 sets of muscles that act on the lips, and they are an anchor point for 10 others.
• Kissing is thought to have been important from an evolutionary perspective because a bad first kiss might have indicated that you would not be compatible with this person as a life-long mate.
• Passionate kissing releases oxytocin and other “feel-good hormones” into the brain. (Oxytocin is the same hormone which is released during orgasm and breast feeding).
• Cortisol, the stress hormone, decreases during a session of kissing.
• Men are often “wet” or “open mouthed” kissers and they have testosterone (linked to sex drive) in their saliva. Some believe that this was so that the sex drive in females would be triggered through kissing.

Helen Fisher, a renowned anthropologist with Rutgers University, has spent years researching and writing about the effects of love on the brain. Ms Fisher found that when subjects looked at pictures of their loved one as they had their brains scanned with a MRI machine, the most active areas of the brain were the regions which govern pleasure, motivation and reward. In fact, these are the very areas which are activated during the use of drugs such as cocaine! Now it makes sense that when we are deeply in love with another, it feels like we are on a “high”!

Furthermore, she believes that there are three regions of the brain which are responsible for mating and reproduction: the sex drive, the passion of being in love, and attachment. According to the results from the MRIs, the chemicals and hormones released during kissing can activate any or all of these three areas of the brain.

This is amazing to me! Want to increase your sense of passionate love? Kiss! Want to deepen your long-term attachment to your spouse? Kiss! Want to end up in the sack? Kiss!

Here are some ideas for you to implement this week:

1. Experiment with different types of kisses. Vary the type of kiss as well its placement. Try pecks on the cheek, a kiss on the head, a warm kiss on the palm of your lover’s hand, a closed-mouth kiss after a deep gaze into your lover’s eyes, a lingering wet kiss. Try kissing with your eyes open. Kiss with your eyes closed.
2. Feeling like you are about to fight? Try kissing instead. I know you won’t feel like it, but try it anyways. See what happens to your disagreement. Worst case scenario, you end up fighting after the kiss, but you were well on your way to doing that anyways. Maybe kissing will remind you why you are together and help you come to a more productive resolution to your dispute.
3. Decide that you will not allow your spouse to walk out or come into the house without a kiss. Perhaps this can become one of your greeting rituals to increase the intimacy in your relationship.

Sometimes, we want to feel the intimacy and love and passion before we take action. However, if you believe the science, it seems that we might have to take the action first. So, give yourself permission to act regardless of your feelings and see where it leads you. You might be surprised when your feelings fall in line!

What is included in your DAILY kissing life with your lover?

And yes, this time you can choose MORE THAN ONE!!

PDA - public display of affection

I go to Hip Hop classes. Yes, that’s right. It’s my way of taking my own advice. You see, when I am contorting my body into all sorts of new positions which feel incredibly awkward all the while trying to make them look sexy and full of attitude, I get in touch with my inner diva a bit better. I love the sweat dripping off me at the end of my class because it is proof that I really worked hard, even if I sucked at it. I love the sense of accomplishment that comes when I get a move coordinated to the proper beat of the music. I love the fact that I dance with a bunch of middle-aged moms who, like me, are trying to regain a bit of their youth through this class. I love pretending that my husband is in the audience getting totally turned on by my new moves.

After class is over, the ‘tude is dropped and we all morph back into the suburban moms that we are in our real lives and troop over to the local Starbucks. LL Cool J would be so proud. Anyways, tonight we were enjoying conversation about our kids and their dance classes (and how much better than us they are), and all of a sudden our gaze was irresistibly drawn to a young couple who had walked in, arm in arm. After placing their order, they moved over to the pick up counter, and while they were waiting for their coffees (or vanilla cream frappachinos), they embraced and proceeded to kiss. Now, make no mistake - I’m not talking a little peck on the lips. I’m talking the full-on open-mouth French kiss.  Also known as: lip locking, mugging down, tongue wrestling, spit swapping, or my husband’s personal favourite - tonsil hockey.  (when we were dating he liked to refer to himself as the Wayne Gretzke of tonsil hockey)

The reaction around our table was quite interesting. I mean, just 20 minutes before this little public display of  affection, we were throwing our boobs around and grabbing our crotches as we prepped for our dance recital (yes, this is truly part of our dance). You would think – given how comfortable we have become with groping ourselves in front of other people – that some PDA wouldn’t faze us in the slightest.  You might even think that we would have whistled or cheered or clapped.  But that was not our reaction.

Instead, the table suddenly went completely quiet. And then the obligatory “get a room” comment was thrown out. And then we all tittered about how inappropriate it was – those two standing in our Starbucks stoking the flames of their hormones.

But as I drove home, I wondered when was the last time these women kissed their husbands like that young couple. Come to think of it, when was the last time I kissed my husband like that? Are we so offended because this behaviour is truly inappropriate (after all, we watch far worse on TV, movies, dance videos, and the like)? Or are we offended because it is a face to face reminder of what we have let slide in our own relationships? Something that we have let go. Something that we deeply miss, when we are being honest with ourselves.

I recently had a friend point out an article in a magazine. It talked about relationships and sex, and concluded by saying that if we still had the passion that had before we got married, we would never get anything else done besides having sex. Now, I don’t know about that, but I sure think those kids in the Starbucks were having more fun than we were.

When is the last time you kissed your spouse like he was your lover (or like she was your lover)?

Great Sex Starts With Your Mouth

Great sex starts with your mouth! No, I am not talking about oral sex (at least, not right now), but I am talking about communication!

Even though we are blitzed every day with media images about sex, we still have such a hard time talking about the details of sex particularly with our spouses! This is such a shame, because talking together builds intimacy which then spills over into the bedroom.

When was the last time the two of you talked about sex? I don’t mean when was the last time you fought about it. When was the last time you had a time where the two of you were alone, and were able to talk about what you love the most about your sex life together. Not sure where to start?

Here are some tips for talking about your sex life:

• Don’t do it in the bedroom. While giving feedback in the moment can be helpful in some circumstances, if that is the first time you have ever talked about sex, this could backfire on you! Instead, go out for coffee together or take a walk in the park, or have dinner, and talk about what you love. If you are nervous about it, jot down some notes before hand so you can read them to your spouse - or give them the list to read. Better yet, both of you can write out lists and then switch them over dinner.

• Ask open-ended questions. When is your favorite time of the day or night to have sex? Where is your favorite place to have sex? What is your “Top Five List” for best sex together? What is the most pleasurable way to orgasm? All of these questions are designed to just get you to start talking, so you don’t have to worry about answering them all at once. Consider this an opportunity to have multiple dates with your spouse.

• What you focus on will grow. Don’t spend your time talking about what doesn’t work; instead, talk about what does work. If one of you has a higher sex drive than the other (and contrary to cultural opinion, this can be either the man or the woman), then talk about the times you have had sex and what was pleasurable, enjoyable, and intimate about those times. Talk about what attracted you to each other in the first place. Discuss the love you feel for your spouse when he/she does . The more you focus on the positive aspects of your relationship, the more likely you are to recognize those things in your spouse.

And once you get the answers from your lover, make sure you incorporate them into your sex life. Does your spouse love deep kissing? Then remember back to the line from KD Lang’s song “Don’t kiss me like we’re married, kiss me like we’re lovers”. Put it into practice. Does your spouse love variety in the bedroom? Then surprise them with something new - research a new position, put new lighting in the room, pick a new place to have sex. Talking, listening, implementing - all of these are incredibly important to a great sex life!

More Questions to Open Up the Discussion on Sex

• When is your favourite time of the day or night to have sex?
• Where is your favourite place to have sex?
• What is your “Top Five List” for best sex together?
• What is the most pleasurable way to orgasm?
• What do you enjoy me doing the most?
• What body part do you enjoy me touching?
• Do you have any fantasies about sex?
• If so, what are they?
• What makes you feel most connected to me?
• What gets you horny?