The Sexual Cycle

A friend of mine from Texas once told me that when her husband asks if she wants to have sex, she will often respond by saying to him, “I don’t know. Why don’t you kiss me and we will find out?”

Whether or not she knew it, she was reflecting what new research is telling us about the sexual cycle. Because of what we see on TV and in Hollywood and maybe even reflected in the lives of those around us, most of us believe that it looks like this:

And for many people - 50% of people in fact - this is the case. They realize that they want sex, which then promotes thoughts and actions which lead to arousal, which leads to a sexual encounter.

However, studies now tell us that this only represents half of the population. What about the other 50%?? The cycle actually looks like this to them:

They actually have to get in the mood and feel the physiological changes of arousal before it will click in their heads that they desire sex. They usually have a great time having sex once they get started, they just start a bit differently.

This is great news for couples who experience a “desire gap” in their marriages. One spouse (the High Desire Spouse - HDS) wants more sex than the other (the Low Desire Spouse - LDS).  As I mentioned in my article, Oh, Me So Horny, the one commonality in these relationships is the LDS gets to set the pace - they have veto power on sex in their marriage - which can cause the desire gap to grow and grow as the years go by.

But what if the LDS is simply someone who falls into the second category of cycles? What if this spouse is waiting to feel that desire in order to acquiesce to sex, all the while not realizing that s/he needs to allow themselves to get aroused first? Remember, a full half of the population falls into this category, so it is highly likely that one (or both) of you might find yourself saying, “Finally! Someone understands me!”

At the Divorce Busting^® conference I participated in, Michele Wiener-Davis told the story of one couple she met. The wife never wanted to have sex, but when she gave into her husband’s request, she actually had a great time and found the experience to be highly satisfying. The husband commented, “I wish I could take a Sharpie pen and write on her arm, ‘I like sex!’ Then, the next time I ask, she can read it and remind herself.”

While I think that the vast majority of people would be a bit embarrassed to have such a visual reminder of their sex life in such an obvious place (can you imagine the looks and questions she would get??!), the humour of this story strikes a cord of truth in most couples. So, here’s my advice to any Cycle 2 people out there - when your spouse approaches you to see if you are in the mood for sex, follow the advice of my friend in Texas and say, “Kiss me first so I can find out!”

So here are my questions for you:

• Are you a Cycle 1 or Cycle 2 person?
• Which one is your spouse?
• Are you in a mixed-cycle marriage?
• What can the two of you do to close the desire gap in your relationship?

62 Day Challenge - Followup

62 Days Later…

Back in June, I issued a challenge to my readers to have sex every day for from June 15^th to August 15^th.  The 62 Day Challenge.

Who out there took the challenge?

What did you find?

What was your favourite part?

Allow me to say that I have a general rule wherein I do not reveal the nitty-gritty’s of my sex life with Eric because it is, well, ours. However, I do think it is important to highlight some of the things we learned throughout the challenge. So here are some of my thoughts on the past two months.

1. We figured out very soon into the challenge that with this level of consistency, there was no such thing as “a quickie”. This side effect had its pros and cons. On the pro side, it gave us the time - indeed it forced us - to be creative. Sex very simply could not be the same old routine because one of the basic elements - time - had changed. On the con side, I needed to be prepared all the time. Bottles of lubricant were omnipresent.
2. A broken foot is very difficult to work around. Early in the challenge I fell and broke my foot. Everyone has assumed I was doing something kinky during the challenge but the true story is very dull - I tripped over Eric’s slippers. I have to be honest and admit that in the early days when the break was fresh, I chose to bond with the Extra Strength Advil rather than bonding sexually with my husband. Having said that, the pain does abate over time and it is possible to have sex with a cast on. Just for the record.
3. Gastro-intestinal viruses and sex do not mix. There is just a “yuck” factor of having sex with all the physical manifestations of such a virus. Enough said.
4. Skype sex is a fun concept for long distance intimacy unless you are staying at someone’s house. The mood is quickly doused when the hostess wants to talk to you as much as your husband does. Especially when he is staying in the living room on the couch.
5. We both loved the fact that sex was a given. Instead of doing the initiation dance (who is going to initiate and when is s/he going to do it?) it was an unspoken agreement that it would just happen. Both of us were working towards the goal of getting it done. It brought a heightened sense of teamwork into this part of our relationship.
6. Our desire to have sex grew. The more we had, the more we wanted. I was a bit surprised by this development. I thought I would be satiated the more I had, but the reverse actually took place. This made me do quite a bit of contemplation on the “use it or lose it” theory.
7. Finally, we had fun. We laughed more, joked together more, flirted more, and enjoyed each other more. That alone was worth the price of admission.

Do you have any stories to tell? You have the advantage of being anonymous, so let us know if anything outrageous, hilarious or even sweet happened with you and your lover during the challenge.  (and even if you didn’t take the challenge, feel free to share why you didn’t or what kept you from it - we’re all friends here an nobody judges!!)

ED in Newlyweds

Dear Eryn-Faye,

As a newlywed wife my husband experienced E.D. (he is only 47) on our honeymoon and the problem has cont’d, specifically the inability to maintain the erection. We have tried all the meds out there, we are now exploring injection and it has worked better. Nonetheless, the doctor basically assessed that my husband does not have a physical problem but that it was mental. As a wife, I do not fit in the category of a passive, sexual partner. Rather I am more assertive, have lots of desire but am turned off with the E.D. and my husband knows it. He has said that I “shoot him down”. Please help. We have been married a little over one year.

Let me begin by saying that my heart goes out to you during this painful and difficult time. The first year of marriage often brings issues to light which can feel overwhelming, particularly when they are of a sexual nature. Please allow me to offer you some resources which might help your specific circumstances.

First of all, I encourage you to continue to work with your doctors to find a medical or psychological answer to what you are facing in your sexual relationship. They will have knowledge of the most recent therapies that are available that would be suitable to your circumstances and your husband’s state of health. As you are pursuing that avenue, here are a few other suggestions:

On the Ask Eryn-Faye section of my website, I have answered a question which pertains to erectile difficulties and there might be some helpful information there.  While the couple who wrote in were older than you and your husband, you might find the principles of the article to be helpful. As an encouragement to you, 47 isn’t too young to be dealing with erectile difficulties; in fact, I coached one couple in their 20’s who were dealing with this issue.

No matter what age they are, every man wants to be the superhero in the bedroom and losing that ability strikes deeply at their ego. It is crucial right now that your actions do not exacerbate an already complicated issue by making your husband feel more inadequate than he is already feeling. In fact, if the problem is indeed psychological then the tension that the two of you are experiencing over the matter is going to aggravate it. Maintaining sexual intimacy (even if you cannot have penetration) is very important during this stage. If your husband is initiating sex, then by all means – take him up on the offer!  But as a woman who identifies as assertive, you as well can (and should) communicate your desire for him by instigating sexual intimacy and/or activity.

If he cannot experience or maintain an erection, then allow him to pleasure you in other ways. Experiment with different ways to achieve orgasm (manual, oral, etc.). If you are a woman who needs to have something inside of her to feel that your sexual experience is “complete”, then ask him to use his fingers or a bedroom toy. Channel all that desire that you have into building your sexual relationship even if it looks different than what you had envisioned.

Finally, it is important to prevent the issue of sexual dysfunction from overtaking all aspects of your relationship. Obviously, there was something about your husband that caused you to fall in love and marry him, so focus on those areas and build on them so that they grow deeper as you both seek solutions to address the erectile difficulties.

Thank you so much for reaching out to me with this very important question. It is very important that you feel the freedom to ask questions, as asking questions is an important way to see your relationship with your husband grow and deepen. If you have any further questions or comments, I would love to hear from you again!!

Warmly,
Eryn-Faye, Passion Coach