This article was originally written and sent out to those who have signed up for my newsletters, but I keep getting asked for it…so, I am posting it here on the main site for everyone.  It was written last year when I was at a conference, but the information is timeless.  Enjoy!

Changing the Dance

For those of you who have been reading my blog, you are familiar with the fact that we love to dance in our household. In fact, Eric was the one who taught me how to dance the two-step and the jitterbug. In the beginning, the steps seemed complicated and I tried to lead all the time (a future indicator of other aspects of our relationship), but over time, dancing together became second nature. Without giving it any thought, I could tell where he was going to go next, how he was going to turn me, when to hang on tight because I was going to be spinning pretty soon.

In the Divorce Busting® course this weekend, we are learning how most relationships are just like that well-practiced dance. He makes this move, and I respond with this move. He puts his feet in this place, and I position my feet in this next position. As with partners on the dance floor who have practiced for years, our marriages can run on autopilot. He makes the dinner, and I clean up. He makes the first move in bed, and I respond. I tidy up the house, and he does the yard work. He tells me how beautiful I am and I write notes for him to find around the house. If both parties are happy with this arrangement and it is working for their marriage, then it is a wonderful benefit of being married. Sometimes being on autopilot is efficient – it saves time from negotiating each and every task or interpersonal exchange.

Inevitably though, things change over time. Perhaps a child came along, and so the person in charge of charge of initiating sex rolls over and falls asleep instead. Perhaps a new, more time consuming job comes along and so the house doesn’t get tidied as often. Maybe someone gets sick, and so the dinner routine becomes ordering take out. Sometimes the compliments and little notes become casualties of the immediacy of life. If couples are able to negotiate these changes in life with open communication about their expectations and needs, and find that there is compromise (at the very least) on these expectations and needs, then usually things proceed on well.

However, when couples become disappointed with each other because of lack of or ineffective communication, the dance can change into something that is not longer fun to watch or participate in to one which is jarring and uncomfortable. No longer do the steps flow, but now he steps on her foot and she jerks back and he lurches forward to catch her and she moves her feet out of the way to avoid getting stepped on again. And yet, if the couple doesn’t stop and take stock of what is off-course, it is easy to fall into a new, awkward dance pattern.

It might look like this: he doesn’t seem happy anymore so she is cautious when he walks through the door. He sees that she is not exuberant to see him, and so he brushes past her to go see the kids. She feels ignored and so she doesn’t ask him about his day. He feels insignificant so after dinner, he withdraws to watch TV. She follows him into the TV room and complains that he never talks to her anymore. He feels nagged and responds by withdrawing further, maybe even to the guest room for the night. And on and on. Many times we have our own “dances” that we fall into – patterns which are highly predictable when we actually break them down into their individual steps.

The advantage of recognizing these patterns is that it empowers us to do something different. And we don’t both have to recognize the pattern – one of us will do. In fact, one small change in that old familiar pattern can affect a whole new chain of events. So, in the example above, what if the wife’s reaction to her husband’s unhappiness had been to greet him at the door with a warm, “welcome home, honey”? Or he had seen her cautious behaviour and gave her a big hug anyways? Either of those actions could have circumvented the other steps which led to his sleeping the guest room.

So, if you two are fighting repeatedly about the same subject, you can make changes which will alter the outcome of the “same old fight”.

Not convinced that one person can make such a change?

Let me put it to you this way: imagine that you are with your spouse and the two of you are feeling loving towards each other and having a time of really connecting. Maybe you are having a deep conversation or enjoying an activity that you both love. Can you think of a way in which you can completely derail your time together and make it go from great to awful? Of course you do. All couples know how to push each other’s buttons. If I want to annoy Eric, I stomp on the imaginary brake on my side of the car to show I don’t like how he is driving. If I really want to piss him off, I just have to question his integrity!

So, if you can identify what will get them angry, then you can certainly identify what makes them loving. And you can start practicing pushing those buttons instead.

Here are a few tips and suggestions if you want to break the patterns of behaviour that feel like the same old thing in your relationship which don’t lead to a positive end:

• Do a 180 – do something that is the complete opposite of what you normally do. Do you always jump into the middle of your husband’s relationship with your kids because you think he has an overly strict disciplinary style with them? Why don’t you stop and see what changes happen? Perhaps when you get out of the way, he will have a chance to see his behaviour for what it is and pull back again. Or perhaps you will learn a new level of respect for his desire to put boundaries on your kids. Or perhaps your kids will thrive without you interfering with Dad’s techniques. You won’t know until you try.

• Act “as if” – if everything was going the way you wanted it to be, how would you be acting differently? Let’s say your spouse has a lousy attitude lately. Perhaps you even know why his/her attitude stinks – s/he is stressed at work, worried about finances, etc – but it still doesn’t change the fact that his/her attitude stinks. Has this changed your reaction to him/her? Have you stopped doing the little things (that are actually large things in a loving relationship) which you normally would do? Think about re-implementing them regardless of his/her attitude right now.

• Stop doing “more of the same” – if giving your spouse the cold shoulder, or talking until you are blue in the face, or moping around the house is not producing the changes that you want to see in your spouse then stop. Try something new (see the above two points!)

Recognizing the patterns in your relationship is empowering. But so is effecting positive change. So many times, we get so mired down in the tedium of everyday life that we fail to see that we can respond differently and get different results. We only see the forest rather than the individual trees.

Here are my questions for you:

1. What dance in your life do you want to change?
2. What are the steps of that dance?
3. What will you do differently to try for a different outcome?

Share your stories with me!