Perfectionism

I meet a lot of perfectionists in my line of work. Perhaps there is an unusually high correlation between perfectionism and sexual hang-ups.

Perfectionists do not like mistakes. They like to be correct all the time. There is no tolerance for error in a perfectionist’s world.

However, this is a problem in sexual relationship because good sex takes practice. Inherent in the concept of practice is the understanding that there is room to make mistakes. When you are “practicing”, mistakes are acceptable, permissible and even expected.

I have noticed that when perfectionists become extremely fearful of making mistakes, they give up all together. Perhaps they try a few times, realize that they are not living up to their own internal standards and then they give up. The worst culprits give up without even trying. They are terrified of mediocre and so they twist the old adage of  “If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well” to justify their inaction. And in doing so, they completely miss the value of battling through the awkward learning stage.

To combat the threat of perfectionism in our own household, I have a saying that I give to my young daughter, “We learn more from our failures than our successes.” Our failures are not just a vivid reminder that we are not perfect (which, as it turns out, is really ok); they also give us valuable clues as to the areas we need to adjust, change and grow in our lives so that we can be successful.

People who can grab onto this concept are high achievers.  Like perfectionists, high achievers have very high standards of what they want to accomplish in their lives. But unlike perfectionists, they embrace mistakes and failures as part of the normal learning process they must endure to get to greatness. They elicit and heed feedback because they can use the information to move past the awkward learning stage onto the skilled phase.

I met a high achiever this weekend at one of my Passion Salons. This woman shared that she had wanted to become better at oral sex. Now, I have met many women who realized they were not good at oral sex and so they just gave up. Instead, this woman asked her husband for feedback. What do you like? Is this working? What can I do to get better?

Unfortunately, her husband wasn’t particularly skilled at giving her the feedback she needed. Maybe he was embarrassed, maybe he preoccupied in the moment or perhaps he didn’t know the answer to her question! However, she wanted more information, so she rented a “how to” video and practiced her new learnings on her husband. He was thrilled. And when I met her, she had a confidence that emanated from her.

Here is a suggestion for you: try some “practice sex”. Set aside time when the two of you agree that you are going to practice something that you are not good at but you want to become more skilled. Allow for mistakes and mediocre sex during this time with a view that you need to go through the awkward to get to great.  Let go of your need to be right, or perfect or flawless.  Enjoy each other and the process and you’ll find that you really start to enjoy each other and the process!!

What’s All the BUZZ About?

From pre-engaged individuals to those with over 30 years of marriage - people always seem to have the same questions when it comes to the “taboo” subject of bedroom toys.  And so many don’t know where to go for the answers. But now it’s finally here!  Eryn-Faye’s first behind the scenes e-book focused specifically on Bedroom Toys.

From the perspective that only Canada’s Passion Coach can bring, Eryn-Faye targets the questions you are asking with the answers you are seeking. Eryn-Faye covers it all - from the basics of what a bedroom toy is (and isn’t) to how to talk about them with your lover.

With her trademark humor and frankness, she broaches topics you care about - Are they dirty?  Can I get addicted to them?  Why would I even want one? It’s all in there.  Wondering if you (or your lover) will become “unnecessary”?  She covers that too.

From communication skills to the infamous “walk of shame” when leaving an adult bookstore - Eryn-Faye deals with all of it. The Top 8 Questions Couples Ask About Bedroom Toys are all in here.

Isn’t it time you stopped wondering and started knowing?

You can purchase What’s All the BUZZ About for just $5 USD.

Simply click the Add to Cart button to purchase this exciting eBook!

Personal Body Grooming

When I was in elementary school, I ran down the street to visit a girlfriend. Her mother opened the door dressed in her exercise gear. This was the age of the Jane Fonda Workout and doing aerobics videos at home was all the rage. I can only assume that the mother peeked through the peephole in her door and thought, “Oh, it is only Eryn-Faye” because I shudder to think that, given her state of dress, she would have opened it to just anyone. For even at my young age, my eyes were drawn to the bush which was popping out of both sides of her body-suit and I vividly remember thinking to myself, “Dear God, I will never let myself look like that!”

Being thoroughly scarred from that incident, I was always meticulous as a teenager to make sure that nothing escaped from my swimsuit when splashing around during the Texas summers. Bikini waxes or shavings were just a part of my regular grooming regime. However, I was well into my twenties before I realized that I could do more than just “edge the curb”, so to speak. People actually “mow the whole lawn”!

Here are some of the reasons why both men and women might want to look into more extensive body groming (FYI - men, we call this “man-scaping” for you):

• In today’s styles of skimpy bathing suits, shorts, workout clothes and even lingerie, clipping your pubic hair means that you don’t have to be worried about anything sticking out.  (and reading about it on someone’s website 30 years later)
• If you are concerned about hygiene issues, the idea of less hair is most likely very appealing.
• Oral sex is so much more enjoyable when your lover is well groomed.
• Intercourse takes on a host of new sensations when there is little or nothing as a barrier in between.
• Less hair means more to see, and this can be very exciting. Provided that the lights are on, of course.

If you decide to take the plunge, you have several options, three of which are the most popular:

Trimming - typically using scissors or a trimmer (hair or beard), this is an option that you can try at home. If this is your first time with a trimmer, start with a longer blade and then shorten it to the desired length. While it does not remove the hair completely, it does shorten the length and tidy up the area.

Pro’s - once you invest in a good pair or scissors or a trimmer, the procedure is cheap, easy and quickly done at home.

Con’s - you will never experience the smooth feeling of a shave or wax, and you will most likely have to finish up the more delicate areas with a razor.

Shaving - this is an exceedingly easy option as everyone keeps a razor in the house. Usually more than one. When shaving the pubic region, it is essential to have a sharp razor (brand new is best) and a good shaving cream or gel. If this is the first time to do any sort of upkeep in the pubic region, then you will want to trim the area first so that your razor isn’t dull by the time you get to the sensitive areas. Go slowly, and try not to shave over the same area multiple times so that you can avoid irritation to the skin. (If you need a great shaving cream which helps cut down on the irritation, try out Unisex Soft & Silky)

Pro’s - cheap, easy and quick to do. The only expense is making sure that you change out your razors regularly to ensure that they remain sharp. You will have the soft, smooth feeling immediately after shaving.

Con’s - in the early stages of re-growth, the hair is stubbly which can be uncomfortable. However, once you get past this stage (usually in a day or two) this discomfort abates.

Waxing - the key to getting a good wax job is finding someone who really knows what they are doing. My personal opinion is that this is not the type of service that you want to get at your local esthetics school where all the novices are trying their new found skill sets on you for a cheaper price. But that’s just me. I believe that in the world of pubic waxing, you get what you pay for. If possible, get a referral from a friend who has had a good experience. If not, make sure that the salon is reputable, clean, and that your esthetician has experience giving pubic waxes.

Most salons will give women several options including Brazilian waxing (a full removal of hair) or French waxing (a “landing strip” of hair is left remaining). Likewise, men have the option of going totally bald or just waxing portions of their pelvic region.

Pro’s - Since the hair is removed at the hair follicle, it takes longer to grow back in and when it does, it does not have the stubble which accompanies shaving. Some people claim that if you continue to wax, over time the hair also comes in thinner and thinner. Immediately following waxing, the area is completely soft and smooth.

Con’s - It can be a somewhat painful experience, although an experienced esthetician will keep this to a minimum and move the procedure along quickly so that the discomfort does not last for long. Furthermore, the process can be expensive depending on where you live (smaller towns which have fewer salons tend to up their prices for this specialty service). However, as I mentioned above, this is not a service you want to scrimp on the price. If it is worth doing, it is worth doing well.

At the end of the day, there are a lot of options out there so that you can keep your down below region well groomed. Which I am sure will make your lover very happy.   (And you won’t freak out elementary school kids either. Bonus.)

Top Ten Technology Flirts

Yesterday was a crazy day. You know the type where you have to carry a colour-coded schedule just to make it through the day without doing something foolish like, well, forgetting your kid at school??? (Don’t laugh too hard. We did that earlier this week) It was bonkers. Eric and I were flying in different directions, Riley had places to be and needs to be met. We ended the day flopped on the bed together, eating pizza and watching a kid’s movie about enchanted princesses and undying love.

After we put Riley to bed, Eric and I ventured downstairs with ambitious plans to work some more. This is one of the significant pitfalls of working from home. The lines between work and home life get completely blurred and it becomes exceedingly easy to work all the time. There is no such thing as a 9-5 work schedule. That could be a blog post in and of its own!

But on this occasion, we were just too tired to work. Instead, we ended up sitting right next to each other with our computers out. Then we found each other on Facebook. And we starting flirting. Outrageously. Which led to hearty laughter. Then our friends and family started to chime in on the discussion and we giggled even more. At last count, we were up to 32 comments and one “like”. I’m not sure what the record for comments on Facebook is - I am sure that we fell far short of that record - but that was a lot for us!

This interaction led me to think: who is your spouse flirting with on Facebook today? If it’s not you, there is a problem. This is a skill set you might want to pick up.

Realizing that this is a significant issue, I consulted one of my techy guru friends for his hottest tips on ways to use technology to flirt with your spouse.  Around here we call him JDog.  I think you’ll find him to be as refreshing and enlightening as we do.

J-Dog’s Top Ten List:

J-Dog’s Note: Ok, so Eryn-Faye asked me to come up with ten ways to flirt using technology, and I thought, “Oh, that’s easy!” Turns out that with the steady march of this thing we call ‘convergence’, the lines between various technologies are becoming less and less clear. Some of these suggestions will obviously cross over to others, and some won’t as much. The one commonality should be creativity - as long as you can think of something fun and creative to say to your lover, the technology can help you convey that message. I managed to come up with ten, although the last one is illegal, so don’t do it, ok?

Also, I’ll add the standard disclaimer that I’m a guy, and in spite my attempt to balance this with tips for both sexes, my own biases will show. Whatever.

1. Texting. Most people have mobile phones these days, and many couples each have their own. Texting is usually free, especially between family members (check your rate plan before going crazy with the texts, though!). Send your spouse a short, badly-spelled note informing them of just how hot you think they are. If you’re female, include details about your underwear. While this is quite effective if they are at work, it can be even more fun to do when you’re in the same room as each other. It’s a very good way to build the sexual tension between you when you’re at a party, for example.

A sub-genre of this is known as ’sexting’, and is generally more risqué (and risky!) and involves sending sexy photos of yourself to your spouse’s cellphone or email. A couple things to keep in mind if you want to try this are that you shouldn’t be stupid and include pictures of your face, because it’s pretty much guaranteed these pictures will not remain entirely private (especially if the recipient is a guy!). Also, be very careful when selecting the recipient from your address book, as a slip of the finger on that tiny keypad means the wrong person gets to see your naughty bits! Again, check your rate plan to make sure it’s not going to bankrupt you to send that picture.

If you don’t have a mobile to send text from, most carriers allow you to send texts from their website, or via email. For example, for Telus Mobility customers, you’d send an email to tendigitmobilenumber@msg.telus.com. Check your carrier’s website for details on how to do this.

2. Skype. This would include other kinds of real-time text chat as well, such as MSN, Yahoo! Chat, or Google Chat. Whatever network you both use, put it to good use by turning up the heat now and then. If you are apart from each other during the day, try to get online at the same time now and then, and just talk about how much you love each other, or how much you miss them. Tell him about your underwear. If your network of choice supports video, use it! It’s amazing what a turn on it is just to see your lover’s face while you talk to them. And if you have the opportunity, live video can spice things up in other ways too!

3. Music. It’s long been known that music is a great way to romance a woman. Dudes, fire up iTunes and buy her a gift card or use the Gift This function to send a specific song directly to her inbox. Browse the Latin and Jazz genres, or find a new mix of one of your old favourites. Girls, just send him a song about underwear. There’s lots on there, trust me.

4. Twitter. You can say a lot in 140 characters or less. Tweet about your lover. Let your followers know how much you appreciate them. Just for fun, start a hashtag with their name, and use it lots. And use the private message capabilities to add some spice!

5. Facebook. Eryn-Faye mentioned this one in her post, and I have to say it was a lot of fun watching that conversation go on! Facebook is a great way to publicly flirt with your lover, and letting your friends inject their own humour into the process can result in some hilarious moments. Use your status updates to brag about how great your spouse is - making oblique references to their sexual prowess not only tells them you think they are ‘all that’, but it is a great self esteem booster to have one’s praises sung in public. Doesn’t hurt the libido, either - which is what we’re going for here!

6. Telephone. Sure, it’s old-school, but sometimes, it’s just what the doctor ordered. The ability to hear your lover in real-time, with no delays, jitter, or dropped packets can be very refreshing. Call her up and let them know exactly what you’d like to do with her when you get home. Or, call him up and tell him about your underwear.

7. Voicemail. If your lover works in an office, you can call the switchboard and ask the receptionist to transfer you directly to their voicemail, rather than ringing their extension. This way, you can leave them a surprise message - be sure to preface it with “Darling, please make sure your speakerphone is off”!

8. Email. Even those of us without mobile phones have access to email, and this can be put to great use in the flirting game. Guidelines involve not using corporate email accounts for naughty exchanges (get a gmail account - it’s free, already!), and remembering to be careful about sending incriminating photos. Underwear shots are great, as long as your face isn’t visible.

9. Video. The availability of video recording technology such as camcorders, cell phones, and webcams means that it’s easier than ever to create a visual delight for your lover. This can be a lot of fun, especially because it’s so very ‘naughty’. You know what makes your lover tick, so include those things in your video. As with other forms of electronic flirting, it’s very important that you ensure the privacy of your material: no faces or identifiable markings such as tattoos; don’t use workplace networks to send private files (most log everything, and copies can be made for auditors or investigators upon request); and make sure that your personal computer is secure, both from outside penetration (hur, hur) as well as from family members (especially children, for heaven’s sake!). I would suggest getting PGP encryption keys and using them to lock all your private files.

10. Hack one of those roadside construction signs with the big digital displays. Replace the warning message about the bridge washing out or whatever with something that tells passersby how amazing awesome your lover is. You have fewer characters than Twitter, here - so use shorthand! And wear gloves so you don’t leave fingerprints, ok? I’m just sayin’…

As with all types of flirting, it’s important to remember that the most effective methods will employ your lover’s Love Language. Once you have that figured out, technology and gadgets can really help you push those buttons!

Eryn-Faye’s note: Ladies, for what it’s worth, underwear seems to be a consistent theme!

Consummation 101

Welcome back to class.  This will be our last day of class before you “graduate”.  Feel free to have a big party tonight, but don’t pass out invitations in class unless you are inviting everyone!

But before we get too far into the celebration mode, let’s not forget that we do have a class today.  And yes, as promised, this really will focus on the sexual aspect of relationships.  No guys, if you have been diligently and patiently doing all the homework with your lady, then today’s lesson is truly well earned.  If you have sulked through class doing the bare minimums…well, then quid pro quo should not surprise you in the least.  You get what you give…

That being said, ladies - those of you who think that communication is the end-all-be-all of intimacy and understanding each other, I point you to a universally respected philosopher, Plato who said:

You can learn more from someone in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.

Not the kind of thing you would expect to hear from the guy who wrote The Republic and lectured on metaphysics in ancient Greece is it?  But it is true.

Now, I have already received quite a few emails in anticipation of this particular article.  My favorite was a simple, short question that said, “Are you teaching how to have sex?”  This is a question that I get asked all the time - especially in social settings when somebody blurts out that I am a “passion coach for sex”.  There is that awkward silence where people take that in and process it.  I usually take a deep breath and try to explain why that statement is as wrong as it is right, but someone always asks the question, “do you teach people how to have sex?”

The short of it is of course, no.  This article is not going to be a “tab A - slot B” diagram.   The underlying cause in the dramatic rise in sexless marriages in North America is not a lack of understanding of how a penis and vagina connect together.  I have yet to have anyone come to me for help and say, “I keep hearing about this thing called sex, but I have no idea what it is or how it works.”

No, for most of us, sex gets lost in the clutter of daily life, or set aside because of physical or emotional issues.   And yet physical intimacy is as important to a strong relationship as commitment and communication.  And yes, I did just switch terms from sex to physical intimacy.  They are slightly synonymous.  Sex is always physical intimacy, but physical intimacy is not always sex.

Easy guys, I am not going to say that a good cuddle can take the place of sex on a daily basis.  I don’t believe that.  But I do think both are important.  One of the issues that we face in North American culture today is that we have become so focused on goal achievement.  Now, usually this is a very good thing.  But often our greatest strength can also be our greatest weakness.  In a sexual relationship “finishing” the task at hand as quickly and efficiently as possible is not the best approach.  (the occasional “quickie” notwithstanding of course, but a healthy relationship cannot exist only on “quickies”)

Remember back to the beginning of your relationship.  Was there a time when you couldn’t wait to have sex?  All you wanted to do was run your hands all over your lover’s body and explore every inch of them?  When simply stroking their skin would lurch you both to an almost overwhelming physical response?  When you would kiss for hours because you weren’t sure the two of you were ready to take the physical further?

Physical relationships always start somewhere.  Sitting next to someone and your legs touch.  Reaching for something at the same time and your fingers brush against each another’s.  Somewhere along the way all this accidental touching changes to be more intentional.   One of you, maybe both of you at the same time, reaches for the other’s hand - and you never stop holding hands after that.

The first hug - maybe stilted and done with one arm.  The eventually that becomes a two armed hug where you lean into each other and shoulders connect but a little kid could still walk between you while you hug.  And finally, there comes the full-frontal embrace.  Arms around each other, heads tilt to opposite angles and rest on each other shoulders.  Neck touches neck.  Chest touches chest.  Belly to belly, thigh to thigh and hands move slowly up and down the back - longing to go just a little lower.

Then the first kiss.  Maybe it starts as cheeks touching and you make a little kissing noise as you do it (how very European of you).  Then it will proceed to a quick lip to lip that barely gives you time to pucker, but you think about it for hours afterwards.  Eventually you work up to that first real kiss.  It might not last for hours - maybe it is under the porch light at the end of a great date.  The first real kiss.  You are looking right at each other and your eyes keep moving from their eyes to their lips, like an unspoken ask for permission.  Then you begin the long slow movement forward as you both realize that this is going to happen.  Your lips part just as you come together and your eyes close as you give yourself over to “the kiss.”

Once that seal is broken you are kissing all the time.  You find excuses to be together just so you can kiss again.   You can be on the phone together for hours, not talking, because all you really want to do is be close to them - and when you are, talking is not the highest priority on your list.

Remember those days?  Back then we were not in a sprint to the finish line.  Sure, we probably wanted to speed things up a bit, but we were never rushed.   And yet today we are overwhelmed with activities and responsibilities and physical intimacy doesn’t get the prioritization it deserves.  Ironically, it is often the very fact that we know we can “get it” anytime that induces us to put it off - often to the point that we never do.

We have to reprioritize our lives.  If we want our relationship to grow and thrive, and not be satisfied with it simply continuing to exist, then we need to get back to the basics.  Let’s build on the foundation that we have.  Those feelings and activities might be buried under years and years of distractions and actions, but if you dig down, you will find that foundation.

Yes, I understand that you are busy, that your life is hectic and that you run at a frantic pace.  I understand that you have kids and they have some kind of built in amorous radar that forces them to suddenly need your attention if you and your lover so much as exchange a meaningful gaze.  But I also know that your sex life is important.  That it needs and deserves time and attention.  You deserve some time and attention.

So find some alone time.  Call into work sick one day and stay in bed - together.  Get up REALLY early and learn to explore each other again.  Find a friend to watch the kids for a night - or even for a few hours.  Trade off with another couple - each of you can watch the other’s kids while you go out (or stay in) once a month.

And get back to basics.  When was the last time you climbed on the bed and kissed deeply and lost track of time in each other’s embrace?  When was the last time you gave each other an hour long sensual massage - making sure to touch every single part of your lover’s body?

My husband once told me that he had a basketball coach who enforced a very strict rule.  Every time they brought the ball down court, they had to pass the ball 4 times minimum before they were allowed to shoot.  Sounds crazy doesn’t it?  What if there was an open shot?  What if they had an easy lay-up?  Didn’t matter.  The rule was 4 passes first.  I will admit that I don’t know enough about basketball to understand his rationale, but I am going to steal his concept anyway.  Next time you have sex, put this rule in place:  No vaginal penetration and no orgasms for either of you until you have both gotten fully naked, kissed deeply for at least 10 minutes and touched every part of each other’s bodies.  This is not a fast break play (to stay with the basketball analogy).  You have to intentionally build up to sex.  Nothing is to be rushed along.

Here’s a quick quiz for you:

Men: do you know what it takes for your lover to have multiple orgasms?  Wouldn’t it be great to find out?  If she has had them before with you, what is the highest number of them she has ever had (and can you beat that number)?

Women: do you know how long your lover’s refractory period is? (The refractory period is the recovery phase after orgasm during which it is physiologically impossible for a man to have additional orgasms. It is also sometimes explained as the time immediately following orgasm during which a man cannot achieve an erection.)  The best part is that there is only one way to find out the answer to this particular question…

If you are going to commit to focusing on your sex life, start first by focusing on having sex.  But focus on the full experience of it - from initial arousal through the complete build up to each person’s orgasms, then (to steal a line from hair care products) rinse and repeat.  Make physical intimacy a priority - yes, that means that something else will be pushed down the priority list.  Then schedule ahead specific times where sexual intimacy becomes THE PRIORITY.   Plan ahead.   I know, scheduling sex might not sound  like the spontaneous love making that everyone on TV is having, but it is simply to help you gain perspective on its importance.  You aren’t scheduling the sex - just the time for it.  The sex can still be spontaneous, and in fact it should be.  If you schedule one night a month where you will have long, uninterrupted time for sex, then switch back and forth on who plans it.  Talk in between times about what you like and don’t like.  What you have tried and what you haven’t (but secretly always wanted to).  Find new favorite positions or fantasies.  Have some fun.

I have coached many many people who lost the fun in sex.  I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the statement, “sex just isn’t fun anymore.”  Don’t be afraid to laugh together in the bedroom, or the kitchen table or the shower or wherever you decide to consummate your relationship again.  Sex is fun.

If you have gotten this far in the class, then you understand how integral commitment and communication are to a relationship - now you’ll find out how consummation interweaves with them as well.  None of them are complete without all of them.

So go - kiss, hug, stroke, have sex.  You heard me.  Go on.  And, maybe you shouldn’t invite anyone else to your graduation party after all.  

Awareness Regarding Sex and Menopause

In this short Q&A, Eryn-Faye, Canada’s Passion Coach, answers an audience member’s question about the major issues regarding sex and menopause.

Download this file as a .mov file for your Quick Time player OR as a .m4v file for your ipod OR as a .mp3 file to listen to the audio on itunes

The Most Popular Man at a Nudist Colony

Who is the most popular man at a nudist colony?

The man who can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.

Wow! Not only is that guy well endowed, but he has a pretty strong erection too! Oftentimes we talk about kegel exercises for women, but overlook the fact that men derive great benefit from doing these exercises as well. As men increase the strength of their PC muscles they will find that it:

• Helps with premature ejaculation
• Increases the intensity of their orgasms
• Increases the strength of their erections
• Helps increase over-all control in the pelvic region
• Increases their odds of having multiple orgasms

Advantages of Kegel exercises: These exercises do not take a lot of time out of your day, and they can be done without anyone noticing that you are doing them. Do them in your car on your commute to work, sitting at your desk at the office or while you are watching TV.

Finding the PC muscle: Go to the bathroom. As you begin to pee, stop the flow of urine. This muscle that you use to halt the urination is your pubococcygeus or PC muscle. (If you want to isolate this muscle to ensure that you are using the correct one, you can insert your finger in your anus. As you flex your PC muscle, the anus will tighten.)

Basic kegel: Once you have identified your PC muscle, you can begin doing kegel exercises. The goal is to squeeze your PC muscles as tight as possible and hold them for 10 seconds. However, when you are starting, hold them for as long as you can and work up to 10 seconds. After each kegel, rest for the same amount of time that you squeezed. For example, if you contracted your muscles for 5 seconds, then rest for 5 seconds. Work up to 10 reps, 3-4 times a day.

Advanced kegels:

• Squeeze and release rapidly for 10 seconds. Rest for 10 seconds. Do 3 sets. Work up to sets of 1 minute each.
• Squeeze and hold. Hold for 2 minutes. Do one set. Work up to 3 sets, resting in between each.
• Squeeze and release your muscles 50 times. Do one set.

You might want to note, however, that just like building your 6-pack takes time, so does building your PC muscles. Work on them daily and you will definitely see an improvement in the next couple months or so. You will reap all the benefits of a strong erection, but won’t have to clean up after sticky donuts!

“Like dumbbells for Your Hoo-Hoo”

Have you taken the poll yet? If not, go do that right now!

The correct answer to the question is: that simply by doing kegel exercises, you can achieve ALL of these things:

• Strengthening pubococcygeus muscles
• Making child birth easier
• Increasing the odds that your perineum will more likely be intact (fewer tears and episiotomies) throughout childbirth
• Enhancing sexual enjoyment for both men and women (including better orgasms!)
• Preventing prolapses (slipping out of place) of pelvic organs
• Preventing leaking urine when you sneeze or cough or jump on a trampoline
• Helping men achieve stronger erections

In my mind, this is a pretty strong incentive list! In this article, I will focus on kegel exercises for women, but I will address men in my blog post this week.

For women, the pelvic floor is like a basket of muscle. It holds in our bladder, our uterus and other sexual reproductive organs. As we get older, as we have children and as we gain weight, this muscle can begin to sag and lose over-all tightness. We also can experience decreased sexual sensation.

To combat this deterioration, doctors recommend that we do kegel exercises. The best way to illustrate a kegel exercise is as such: sit on the toilet and as you begin to pee, stop the flow of urine. This muscle that you are using is your pubococcygeus muscle, more commonly referred to as your PC muscle. A proper kegel exercise is contracting this muscle and holding it for 10 seconds. Doctors recommend that we do 3 sets of 20 kegels every day!

(Note: it is important to make sure that you are actually using your PC muscle and not your thighs or buttocks muscles. If you want to make sure that you are only using your PC muscle, then spread your legs on either side of the toilet as you begin to pee. This will ensure that you isolate the PC muscle and use only it.)

While this sounds a bit complicated when you get started, believe me, it is really simple once you get the hang of it. But where on earth are you going to find time to add this to your daily routine? It is surprisingly easy. Since no one can actually see you doing a kegel, you can do them just about anywhere. Sitting at a red light? Do some kegels. Standing in line at a grocery store? Do some kegels. Watching your favourite show on TV? Do some kegels. Although it takes some awareness and mental discipline, it is really quite easy to do.

Like all types of exercises, there are ways that you can vary the routine. Rather than just simple contractions, you can try:

The Flutter: Squeeze and release rapidly. Focus initially on a tight squeeze and release. Work your way up to doing it quickly. Do 30 flutters.

The Elevator: Picture your muscles as an elevator car at the bottom of your vagina, slowly moving its way up to the top. As the “elevator” goes up, increase the intensity of your squeeze. At the top, be squeezing the tightest. When the elevator moves down, slowly release the intensity. Repeat 10 times.  If you grew up in the 80’s you can sing Aerosmith’s Love in an Elevator while you do them.

Weighted Kegels: If you wanted to build the muscle in your bicep, you could curl your arm repeatedly and see small differences. Yet, if you picked up a 5- or 10-lb dumbbell in your hand, your arm will reap the benefits of doing the exercises with weights. Our PC muscles are no different. Add weights, and you will notice a more rapid increase in the strength of your muscles. Here are a couple options:

• Ben-wa Balls. Although two balls come in a set, I recommend that women start with just one. Insert it inside the vagina and hold it in place using your PC muscles. You will need to be standing for the balls to work. (Ladies, just for the record, it is not going anywhere. It is too large to go through the cervix!). Once you can hold one ball in place for 10 minutes or so, put in the second one and work your way up to 10 minutes with both inserted.
• Pleasure Pods. I have to admit, these are my favourite. They can be used two ways: 1) insert the whole thing into the vagina and hold it in place with your PC muscles while standing; or 2) lie down and insert the pod in half-way (where it narrows in the middle) and do any of the kegel exercises described above. You can be doing this while watching a movie (at home, obviously) or TV or even reading a book. One lady noted, “It’s like a dumbbell for your hoo-hoo!” Yes, yes it is.

At the end of the day, the most important aspect to highlight is that we are responsible for taking care of our bodies. The effort that we put into taking care of ourselves will have enormous benefits in many areas of our lives. Women have come to me, after becoming conscientious about doing their kegels, and told me that their orgasms have intensified, that they can feel their husbands for the first time since child birth, that they no longer fear jumping on a trampoline with their kids and they can watch a Depends commercial without a secret terror that they will need the product in the not-so-distant future. By taking some very simple steps, they have increased their overall satisfaction with their bodies, their sex lives and their comfort in social situations.

Now, isn’t that worth a bit of effort?

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Laughing About Lingerie

This past weekend, our family attended a wedding of a dear friend. Since my husband was the master of ceremonies for the reception, we were invited to the all the festivities which lead up to the big event. During the rehearsal dinner at a local restaurant, several of us ended up in the bathroom to have a last minute discussion about sex. Two things might jump out at you about that last statement:

1. public bathroom; and
2. sex talk.

It just goes to show you that women will talk about sex anywhere! The environment was less than stellar, but I am always willing to work with what is available, and it was a follow-up to a more thorough discussion that the bride and I had had earlier in a much better setting.

As toilets were flushing in the stalls behind us, the bride mentioned the amazing lingerie shower that she had been thrown and all the new items that she was going to get to model for her new hubby. We all laughed that most men won’t even remember what you had on because it ends up in a pile on the floor so quickly! One lady mentioned that she wore an outfit three times before her husband recognized it as part of her wardrobe.

Over the years of marriage, however, we often stop trying so hard to look enticing for our husband. Maybe we gained a little weight and so now we feel self-conscious. Maybe we spend our money on clothes for our kids instead of ourselves. Maybe we are just so tired at the end of the day that we just want to crawl into our favourite sweat pants. Maybe we don’t feel like we deserve to get something that is so flimsy and worn for such a short period of time. Maybe we have just forgotten about how much fun it is to wear something sexy.

Here’s my question for all of you who have been married for a while: When was the last time you donned something special for your spouse? If it has been a while, then what is stopping you? How can you overcome that obstacle?

Need some great ideas?

• Get a lacy bra with matching panties – this is a somewhat practical suggestion as you can wear them all day but still look hot for hubby later!
• Purchase a teddy – if you don’t like the way your stomach looks, this is a very sexy way to cover it up!
• Try some silk or satin – they feel great against your skin!
• Check out this great blog post on crotchless panties

Now, in the words of that great American poet Justin Timberlake, go bring sexy back!!

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A Case for Toys

Recently on a talk show, after a great discussion about which bedroom toys I thought were the best for men, women and couples, I was asked why I thought bedroom toys were such a good idea. For some people, they have always been seen as dirty and kinky, as a replacement for a partner, or simply unnecessary. But over the years, I have seen them be instrumental in revitalizing the sex lives of countless couples for several different reasons.

They open up the lines of communication in the bedroom.
As I mentioned in another post, communication is one of the key components to having great sex. And yet it is one of the scariest things to do (or even try) for most couples. Toys help alleviate this fear and lessen the stress by giving a focal point for both parties to start with. Think about it - it is virtually impossible to throw one of these items on the bed and not have some level of conversation about it – even if you are just laughing. (And remember, laughter in the bedroom can be a good thing too!) I had a lady tell me once that she had bought a couple’s toy and called her husband on the way home to ask him to bring out batteries for it. When she got home, he was sitting in bed looking as excited as she had seen him in years, with every single battery in the house spread out on the bed, and he quipped, “I didn’t know what kind we needed.” Just the mere idea of a toy got them talking about their sex lives. (It also led to the “best sex of their lives” according to her.) Thirty years into marriage, this couple found the key to talking about their sex life for the first time.

Bedroom toys help reduce the “ego factor”.

One of the reasons that talking about sex is difficult is because we are afraid of hurting each other’s feelings. Women, you know that if he is doing something to you with his body that is just not working, it can be very difficult to say “stop” because you are afraid that he is going to feel inadequate. Men, aren’t you secretly afraid that if you say “no” to ANYTHING that your wife is trying, then she will stop experimenting altogether – after all, many of us feel that getting something is better than nothing right? But when you are figuring out what works and what doesn’t work for you with a bedroom toy, it takes a lot of the pressure off. For example, saying, “I don’t like how a bullet (mini vibrator) feels there” is much less intimidating to say (or hear) than, “I don’t like it when YOU do that.”  This way you are both learning together and no one is to “blame” if either of you don’t like it.  And if you DO like it, you have opened up a whole new world of enjoyment for you both.

They help in situations where there are physiological difficulties.
Studies tell us that 43% of women and 31% of men have some sort of sexual dysfunction in the bedroom. These dysfunctions can run the gambit from low libido to erectile difficulties to complete inability to orgasm. A woman who has never been able to orgasm or has “lost” her orgasm due to menopause might be able experience this pleasure with the help of a vibrator. A man who is having a hard time keeping an erection might benefit from a C-Ring. And men and women who struggle with low libido discover that sex can be easier (and faster!) with the use of bedroom toys.

Bedroom toys add variety and fun to our sex lives!
I am a big believer that if we are going to have long lasting and healthy relationships we have to become experts in two areas:

1. recognizing when we are in a rut, and
2. knowing how to get out of that rut.

And bedroom toys are a great way to spice things up in the bedroom by trying something we haven’t tried before. In fact, a couple who have never been able to have face-to-face, simultaneous orgasms might be able to experience this intimacy for the first time with a couples’ toy. One client of mine had always thought a face-to-face simultaneous orgasm was an invention of Hollywood (only when people are acting). But when she and her husband used a couple’s toy for the first time, they realized that it did not just happen in the movies!!

Considering these things, it is easy to see why I am such a believer in bedroom toys. I do not mean to imply that toys can fix all the issues that a couple has, nor would I push anyone to try them if they are not comfortable with the idea. But if you are having any of the aforementioned issues, or are just looking to try something new, then I think bedroom toys are a great place to start.

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