A Case for Toys

Recently on a talk show, after a great discussion about which bedroom toys I thought were the best for men, women and couples, I was asked why I thought bedroom toys were such a good idea. For some people, they have always been seen as dirty and kinky, as a replacement for a partner, or simply unnecessary. But over the years, I have seen them be instrumental in revitalizing the sex lives of countless couples for several different reasons.

They open up the lines of communication in the bedroom.
As I mentioned in another post, communication is one of the key components to having great sex. And yet it is one of the scariest things to do (or even try) for most couples. Toys help alleviate this fear and lessen the stress by giving a focal point for both parties to start with. Think about it - it is virtually impossible to throw one of these items on the bed and not have some level of conversation about it – even if you are just laughing. (And remember, laughter in the bedroom can be a good thing too!) I had a lady tell me once that she had bought a couple’s toy and called her husband on the way home to ask him to bring out batteries for it. When she got home, he was sitting in bed looking as excited as she had seen him in years, with every single battery in the house spread out on the bed, and he quipped, “I didn’t know what kind we needed.” Just the mere idea of a toy got them talking about their sex lives. (It also led to the “best sex of their lives” according to her.) Thirty years into marriage, this couple found the key to talking about their sex life for the first time.

Bedroom toys help reduce the “ego factor”.

One of the reasons that talking about sex is difficult is because we are afraid of hurting each other’s feelings. Women, you know that if he is doing something to you with his body that is just not working, it can be very difficult to say “stop” because you are afraid that he is going to feel inadequate. Men, aren’t you secretly afraid that if you say “no” to ANYTHING that your wife is trying, then she will stop experimenting altogether – after all, many of us feel that getting something is better than nothing right? But when you are figuring out what works and what doesn’t work for you with a bedroom toy, it takes a lot of the pressure off. For example, saying, “I don’t like how a bullet (mini vibrator) feels there” is much less intimidating to say (or hear) than, “I don’t like it when YOU do that.”  This way you are both learning together and no one is to “blame” if either of you don’t like it.  And if you DO like it, you have opened up a whole new world of enjoyment for you both.

They help in situations where there are physiological difficulties.
Studies tell us that 43% of women and 31% of men have some sort of sexual dysfunction in the bedroom. These dysfunctions can run the gambit from low libido to erectile difficulties to complete inability to orgasm. A woman who has never been able to orgasm or has “lost” her orgasm due to menopause might be able experience this pleasure with the help of a vibrator. A man who is having a hard time keeping an erection might benefit from a C-Ring. And men and women who struggle with low libido discover that sex can be easier (and faster!) with the use of bedroom toys.

Bedroom toys add variety and fun to our sex lives!
I am a big believer that if we are going to have long lasting and healthy relationships we have to become experts in two areas:

1. recognizing when we are in a rut, and
2. knowing how to get out of that rut.

And bedroom toys are a great way to spice things up in the bedroom by trying something we haven’t tried before. In fact, a couple who have never been able to have face-to-face, simultaneous orgasms might be able to experience this intimacy for the first time with a couples’ toy. One client of mine had always thought a face-to-face simultaneous orgasm was an invention of Hollywood (only when people are acting). But when she and her husband used a couple’s toy for the first time, they realized that it did not just happen in the movies!!

Considering these things, it is easy to see why I am such a believer in bedroom toys. I do not mean to imply that toys can fix all the issues that a couple has, nor would I push anyone to try them if they are not comfortable with the idea. But if you are having any of the aforementioned issues, or are just looking to try something new, then I think bedroom toys are a great place to start.

ED in Newlyweds

Dear Eryn-Faye,

As a newlywed wife my husband experienced E.D. (he is only 47) on our honeymoon and the problem has cont’d, specifically the inability to maintain the erection. We have tried all the meds out there, we are now exploring injection and it has worked better. Nonetheless, the doctor basically assessed that my husband does not have a physical problem but that it was mental. As a wife, I do not fit in the category of a passive, sexual partner. Rather I am more assertive, have lots of desire but am turned off with the E.D. and my husband knows it. He has said that I “shoot him down”. Please help. We have been married a little over one year.

Let me begin by saying that my heart goes out to you during this painful and difficult time. The first year of marriage often brings issues to light which can feel overwhelming, particularly when they are of a sexual nature. Please allow me to offer you some resources which might help your specific circumstances.

First of all, I encourage you to continue to work with your doctors to find a medical or psychological answer to what you are facing in your sexual relationship. They will have knowledge of the most recent therapies that are available that would be suitable to your circumstances and your husband’s state of health. As you are pursuing that avenue, here are a few other suggestions:

On the Ask Eryn-Faye section of my website, I have answered a question which pertains to erectile difficulties and there might be some helpful information there.  While the couple who wrote in were older than you and your husband, you might find the principles of the article to be helpful. As an encouragement to you, 47 isn’t too young to be dealing with erectile difficulties; in fact, I coached one couple in their 20’s who were dealing with this issue.

No matter what age they are, every man wants to be the superhero in the bedroom and losing that ability strikes deeply at their ego. It is crucial right now that your actions do not exacerbate an already complicated issue by making your husband feel more inadequate than he is already feeling. In fact, if the problem is indeed psychological then the tension that the two of you are experiencing over the matter is going to aggravate it. Maintaining sexual intimacy (even if you cannot have penetration) is very important during this stage. If your husband is initiating sex, then by all means – take him up on the offer!  But as a woman who identifies as assertive, you as well can (and should) communicate your desire for him by instigating sexual intimacy and/or activity.

If he cannot experience or maintain an erection, then allow him to pleasure you in other ways. Experiment with different ways to achieve orgasm (manual, oral, etc.). If you are a woman who needs to have something inside of her to feel that your sexual experience is “complete”, then ask him to use his fingers or a bedroom toy. Channel all that desire that you have into building your sexual relationship even if it looks different than what you had envisioned.

Finally, it is important to prevent the issue of sexual dysfunction from overtaking all aspects of your relationship. Obviously, there was something about your husband that caused you to fall in love and marry him, so focus on those areas and build on them so that they grow deeper as you both seek solutions to address the erectile difficulties.

Thank you so much for reaching out to me with this very important question. It is very important that you feel the freedom to ask questions, as asking questions is an important way to see your relationship with your husband grow and deepen. If you have any further questions or comments, I would love to hear from you again!!

Warmly,
Eryn-Faye, Passion Coach