If you want to bring a little more “imagination” into the bedroom, why not read a little erotic literature? Take turns reading hot and steamy passages out loud.
Posts tagged: erotic
Exploring the Erotic
The Mystery Box Tour – Part Three
Exploring the Erotic
In this hilarious clip from the TV show, Two and a Half Men, Charlie and his fiancée reflect the predicament in which many couples find themselves after years together:
Why is it that the more we get to know each other, the most comfortable we become in our relationship, and the more intimacy we cultivate, the more our desire diminishes? You would think that as we draw closer and closer, we would have more and more desire. But instead, as we grow comfortable in our relationship, sex ebbs and we no longer take the care to bank our stream off the side of the toilet.
In her book, Mating in Captivity, Ester Perel describes the paradox of knowledge and mystery. I described this paradox as being the illegitimate love child of Mulder and Scully but I think Perel is a bit more articulate!
“Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energized by it. If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is about having; desire is about wanting. An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness. It is less concerned with where it has already been than passionate about where it can still go. But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire. They forget that fire needs air.”
When you hear this explanation of desire and the erotic, it is easy to see why we have these strong feelings during the infancy of our relationship. These were the days when all the things that make desire flourish reigned supreme. Everything was new and fresh, waiting to be explored. And then, as we got to know each other, this driving force stalled. We spent so much time together than very little was new. The paradox is that the deeper we grow in our intimacy with each other, the more elusive eroticism becomes.
Some couples believe this is how marriage is meant to be. They sacrifice the passion of eroticism for the comforts and security of knowledge of each other. In fact, sometimes they go to great lengths to explain away the loss of their eroticism. “That was immature love and does not compare to what we have together now”, they say. Is there truth in this statement? Somewhat. It is true that there is incredible bonding that happens when a couple builds years of history together. Our knowledge base of each other makes us phenomenal friends and partners. But it doesn’t necessarily make us phenomenal lovers.
When it comes to maintaining amazing sex over the years with your spouse, I tend to agree with JJ Abrams – “Mystery is the infinite potential and possibility. It is hope. It is the catalyst for imagination. There are times when it is more important than knowledge.” Actively recognizing and cultivating mystery in your marriage will help keep the spark alive over all those years.
The million dollar question, however, is, “How do I cultivate both intimacy and eroticism?”
Think on that one this week. Discuss it with your spouse. I have some tips and suggestions that I will give you next week.
Relational Eroticism Part 2
I am not a history teacher by any means, but I have heard the comment that those who do not study the past are destined to repeat it. I understood that statement to be an indictment on ignorance, and I have never wanted to be ignorant. So, in order to “study the past” I became a student of it, mostly by watching the History Channel and Mel Gibson movies every now and again. And one of my, now less so, guarded secrets is that I love watching the History Channel. I was watching it the other day when my husband walked in. He stared at the screen for a moment and saw men dressed up in medieval armor and turned and looked at me…waiting for some explanation as to why I was watching historical battles reenacted. I didn’t really have one other than a meek, “there wasn’t anything else on.” But the truth is that I found it fascinating.
I love the names we have given to periods of time in history: “The Dark Ages”, “The Renaissance”, “The Age of Enlightenment”…these all sound so romantic. It’s way better than simply saying, “I grew up in the 70′s! Best I have is “The Age of Bellbottoms and Awful Moustaches”, and that doesn’t roll off the tongue.
Just like looking back at pictures from the 1970′s and wondering how on earth our parents could have thought those clothes were fashionable in any way, when we look back on other ages in history it is always interesting to see what odd and even ignorant perceptions and paradigms people held so dear to themselves.
For instance, look at the so-called “Middle Ages” or “Dark Ages” for instance. It was not until hundreds of years later that scholars began to use those terms for it, and it quickly took on a derogatory meaning. It became a way to sum up that section of time by focusing on what was deemed to be “wrong with it.” For a while it was called the “Age of Faith” because religion reigned supreme in the culture. Later, when this was deemed to be inappropriate because it is in direct conflict with the subsequent deification of intellect and man, scholars began referring to that period of history as “barbaric” and “priest-ridden”, and spoke of “these dark times”, “the centuries of ignorance”, and “the uncouth centuries”.
By the same token, these same scholars began calling their own time the “Age of Enlightenment.” Thanks to the great oracle Google, I can tell you that, The Age of Enlightenment (or simply the Enlightenment) is a term used to describe a time in Western philosophy and cultural life, in which reason was advocated as the primary source and legitimacy for authority. In fact, during this time reason was held to be the primary value of society. Reason was prized above authority, intuition, emotion, mysticism, superstition, and faith.
Why am I forcing you into my private interest in history? Because there are things we can learn from the past. In fact, our current culture is shaped, in many ways, by cultural past. Studies have been done that show as much as 90% of our beliefs are secondary – meaning, that we either heard or read it, but did not personally experience it, and yet we believe it to be true. So when we hear “Dark Ages” we believe those times to be “bad” and when we hear “Enlightenment” we believe those times to be “good”. What follows from that are logical conclusions that we should do like those who were “enlightened” and not be like those who were “ignorant”. The pendulum has swung fully from a time where mysticism and faith (belief in that which cannot be seen or explained) were revered to a place where reason and understanding reign supreme. Anything that cannot be fully known, understood, and explained in minute detail is not to be trusted.
The problem with this, like with any over-reaction, is that we have thrown the proverbial baby out with the bathwater. Believe me, I too love to know and understand things. When my husband is telling me something, I often serenade him with a chorus us “details, details…I WANT DETAILS!!!” Seriously, I really do sing this to him. It’s cute when I do it. Seriously.
Anyway, the point here is that I am like everyone else when it comes to knowing things. I want to know. I need to know. It’s my God-given right to know! And therefore I tend to not trust things that I do not really understand.
This same philosophy has wormed its way into our belief about relationships. I cannot tell you how many people have told me that they “deserve to know” every detail of their lover’s past and present in every area of their life. And if they don’t know every detail, then they assume that things are being hidden and if things are being hidden then they must be bad or they wouldn’t hide them, and if they hide things then they don’t trust them, and if they don’t trust them then they cannot truly love them…and round and round the circle goes – each link in the chain assuming more and more negative qualities and it will become a major block in a relationship (if not a causal link to it failing). Somehow in marriage we have come to the point where we actively and intentionally strive to eliminate all mystery. We lose tolerance for a spouse who loads the dishwasher differently than we do – we don’t even bother to see why they do it a different way, we just know that our way is better. We lose all tolerance for ambiguity – everything has to be nice and predictable. Orderly. Able to be quantified and classified. Simple and easy to explain and understand.
The problem with this banal perspective is that it is, well, boring. And aside from boring, it by definition extinguishes any erotic life from marriage. Eroticism thrives in an atmosphere of mystery. It allows for, and even encourages, spontaneity. It provides fodder for our powerful imaginations to re-engage in the area of sex. We regain a sense of wonder about sex.
I love the wording of that phrase: sense of wonder. The very word bestows us with permission to not know. To wonder is to not be sure – to not know. And yet, one of the things we revere about children is their unadulterated sense of wonder – their amazing ability to simply look at things in awe without the overwhelming desire to understand it all. They can take things at face value and appreciate them for what they are on the surface. Faith comes easy to them.
We as adults, on the other hand, almost pride ourselves on our cynicism. No one will take advantage of us. We have ubiquitous sayings that permeate our sub-conscious like, “fool me once, shame on you – fool me twice, shame on me” or “if it seems too good to be true, then it is” or “I’m from Missouri, SHOW ME.” We require proof. In many ways we still cling to the pendulum that swung so far.
This is because, in North America, our thinking has been so radically impacted by the Age of Enlightenment. We can rationalize and explain virtually everything in our world. Intellectual discourse is high on our list of values. If I can explain things more articulately than you then I win the debate. We put very little value on mystery, on that which cannot be explained. Even our “mystery” shows on TV – CSI and Bones among others – are tied up neatly with a bow at the end of the episode. Shows which refuse to explain every little nuance – the show Lost comes to mind – drive us insane. (Why can’t they just tell us what is up with that island anyways?!)
And so it is with our relationships. Can’t communicate well? Head to your local bookstore and look through the thousands of self-help books. Or even better, flip on Dr. Phil – he will give you an answer. Can’t sustain an erection? Go to the doctor and get a prescription of Viagra or Cialis filled. If that doesn’t work, you can research penis implant surgery.
Please don’t misunderstand me. I am not saying that diligently seeking solutions to life’s problems is wrong. Au contraire – I wholeheartedly advocate being solution-oriented. And yet, there are times when we cannot find answers. Times when the prescription medication he is taking to keep him alive has devastating side effects on his libido and despite all the things you have tried, nothing can take away the ache that he doesn’t pursue you like he once did. Times where even though she has never had an orgasm with you, she finally confesses that she cannot live like this any more. Even though you have tried and tried, nothing is working and your fear that she will leave is escalating with each failed attempt.
In these moments, do we stop looking for solutions? No.
Rather we have to act like the love illegitimate love child of Mulder and Scully from the X-Files. While looking for answers, we have to simultaneously learn to embrace the ambiguity of mystery. We choose to learn from the very fact that we do not know the answers. Contrary to everything our culture teaches us, we realize that we can grow from not knowing. We choose to see this mystery box as something that will weave richness into our life’s story rather than an inconvenience that needs to be immediately eradicated.
Richard Rohr calls this place “liminal space.” He says, “It is when you have left the “tried and true” but have not yet been able to replace it with anything else… It is when you are in between your old comfort zone and any possible new answer. It is no fun.”
No, it is not fun. However, if we can survive liminal space without bailing out too early for cheap and easy answers, we reap incredibly rich rewards: we become adept at dealing with anxiety, living with ambiguity, and stoking the flames of eroticism.
You thought I had forgotten about eroticism. Trust me…I’m getting there, but we have to build the foundation first. Next week: Exploring the Mystery of the Erotic or The Truth Erotic is Out There…
Relational Eroticism
One of the most profound talks I have ever seen took place when JJ Abrams spoke at the TED Conference. If you are not yet familiar with TED, you really should be. It is a conference held each year on topics which relate to Technology, Entertainment and Design. Experts from all around the world are invited to speak about their field of study in 18 minutes or less. God himself would only be allotted 18 minutes to speak at TED. And while it costs about $6,000 to buy a ticket to the conference – if you can get one at all – you can watch the talks online for free.
Back in March 2007, JJ Abrams spoke on mystery. When he was a young boy, his grandfather was the instrumental person in his life that encouraged both his love of mysteries and as well as his exploration into how things work. One of his grandfather’s gifts to him was a box of magic tricks advertised to have $50 worth of magic for only $15. Abrams has carried that box around with him for years, never opening it, as a reminder of his grandfather and the wonder of what the box might actually hold. As long as he keeps it closed, there is mystery. Abrams contends that “Mystery is the catalyst for imagination” and “there are times when mystery is more important than knowledge.”
If you want to watch his TED talk in its entire 18 minutes, click here – JJ Abrams – Magic Box .
The reason, he continues, that mystery trumps knowledge is that we crave “mystery boxes” in our stories. They are the lifeblood of entertainment. Take Star Wars for example:
You got the droids; they meet the mysterious woman. Who’s that? We don’t know. Mystery box! Then you meet Luke Skywalker. He gets the droids, you see the holographic image. You learn, Oh, it’s a message. She wants to, you know, find Obi Wan Kenobi. He’s her only hope. But who’s Obi Wan Kenobi? Mystery box! So he goes to Old Ben Kenobi and it turns out he is Obi Wan Kenobi and he knew Luke’s father. But who is Luke’s father? Mystery box!
It is these mystery boxes which draw us into the story. They stimulate our imagination. They are the great unknown. They bond us to the characters. They are the twists and turns which we do not expect but utterly delight us. That is our attitude…at least when they are happening on screen.
But what happens when we encounter mystery boxes in our own lives? Typically, we get very annoyed. They are inconvenient. They deter us from easy and fun things in our lives. They don’t fit into our neat and tidy version of a picture-perfect life.
However, if we were to translate our lives into a movie script, they would look like this:
- My 13 month old daughter was just diagnosed with a potentially life-threatening illness. We don’t know what is coming next. Mystery box.
- There is a world-wide economic downturn. How are we going to make it financially? Mystery box.
- My husband has just been put on anti-depressants which are killing his libido. How do we manage that? Mystery box.
In our personal lives, we want to – in fact we demand to – rip open the mystery box to see what is inside. The very circumstances that would make our life’s story a block-buster hit on screen are what we want to immediately eradicate. We want all the answers right here, right now. But the irony of the mystery box is that once you rip it open, all the possibilities are gone. Suddenly the anticipation of $50 worth of magic is replaced by the fact that you actually only got a bunch of cheap tricks.
And yet, if you are going to experience eroticism in your relationship, you are going to have to endure a bit of mystery.
How on earth do eroticism and mystery have anything to do with each other?
They have everything to do with each other. Think about it – when did you have the most passion and eroticism with your lover? I would put money on the earlier days of your relationship. Those were the days when we would kiss for hours; we would talk until 4 in the morning; we could not wait to get a phone call during the day from each other. To quote the band, The Police, it was the period in our relationship when “Every little thing she does is magic.”
Ironically, those were also the days when we knew very little about each other. Our hunger to become more knowledgeable of each other drove our passions. The very mystery of this new person sparked eroticism. But as we began to understand each other, as we began to grow deeper in love, and as we melded our worlds together, the eroticism faded.
In his book The Kosher Sutra, Shmuley Boteach describes it as such: “[Eroticism] is much like a secret that you long to hear. As soon as its contents are revealed, it has ceased to be a secret and in the process it has ceased to be interesting or erotic.”
If I had to wager a guess right now, I would bet that you have a lot of knowledge about your spouse but not a lot of mystery. I would further guess that you miss the passion that you once had in your relationship. Those two circumstances are intrinsically entwined.
So how do we nurture a relationship of intimacy over decades with our spouse and still experience mystery?
This is the topic I am going to be discussing over my next few blogs. Together, we will explore how the Age of Enlightenment and the accompanying deification of reason threatens to destroy the passion in our relationships. We will look at the annoyances of dealing with ambiguity and the importance of seeing our lovers through fresh eyes. We will brainstorm about ways to increase the erotic in our marriages. And somewhere, in the midst of all of this, I hope that we will begin once again feel the flames of passion. Perhaps we will even want to rip the clothes off of our lovers once again. Stay tuned.
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