What’s All the BUZZ About?

From pre-engaged individuals to those with over 30 years of marriage - people always seem to have the same questions when it comes to the “taboo” subject of bedroom toys.  And so many don’t know where to go for the answers. But now it’s finally here!  Eryn-Faye’s first behind the scenes e-book focused specifically on Bedroom Toys.

From the perspective that only Canada’s Passion Coach can bring, Eryn-Faye targets the questions you are asking with the answers you are seeking. Eryn-Faye covers it all - from the basics of what a bedroom toy is (and isn’t) to how to talk about them with your lover.

With her trademark humor and frankness, she broaches topics you care about - Are they dirty?  Can I get addicted to them?  Why would I even want one? It’s all in there.  Wondering if you (or your lover) will become “unnecessary”?  She covers that too.

From communication skills to the infamous “walk of shame” when leaving an adult bookstore - Eryn-Faye deals with all of it. The Top 8 Questions Couples Ask About Bedroom Toys are all in here.

Isn’t it time you stopped wondering and started knowing?

You can purchase What’s All the BUZZ About for just $5 USD.

Simply click the Add to Cart button to purchase this exciting eBook!

Consummation 101

Welcome back to class.  This will be our last day of class before you “graduate”.  Feel free to have a big party tonight, but don’t pass out invitations in class unless you are inviting everyone!

But before we get too far into the celebration mode, let’s not forget that we do have a class today.  And yes, as promised, this really will focus on the sexual aspect of relationships.  No guys, if you have been diligently and patiently doing all the homework with your lady, then today’s lesson is truly well earned.  If you have sulked through class doing the bare minimums…well, then quid pro quo should not surprise you in the least.  You get what you give…

That being said, ladies - those of you who think that communication is the end-all-be-all of intimacy and understanding each other, I point you to a universally respected philosopher, Plato who said:

You can learn more from someone in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.

Not the kind of thing you would expect to hear from the guy who wrote The Republic and lectured on metaphysics in ancient Greece is it?  But it is true.

Now, I have already received quite a few emails in anticipation of this particular article.  My favorite was a simple, short question that said, “Are you teaching how to have sex?”  This is a question that I get asked all the time - especially in social settings when somebody blurts out that I am a “passion coach for sex”.  There is that awkward silence where people take that in and process it.  I usually take a deep breath and try to explain why that statement is as wrong as it is right, but someone always asks the question, “do you teach people how to have sex?”

The short of it is of course, no.  This article is not going to be a “tab A - slot B” diagram.   The underlying cause in the dramatic rise in sexless marriages in North America is not a lack of understanding of how a penis and vagina connect together.  I have yet to have anyone come to me for help and say, “I keep hearing about this thing called sex, but I have no idea what it is or how it works.”

No, for most of us, sex gets lost in the clutter of daily life, or set aside because of physical or emotional issues.   And yet physical intimacy is as important to a strong relationship as commitment and communication.  And yes, I did just switch terms from sex to physical intimacy.  They are slightly synonymous.  Sex is always physical intimacy, but physical intimacy is not always sex.

Easy guys, I am not going to say that a good cuddle can take the place of sex on a daily basis.  I don’t believe that.  But I do think both are important.  One of the issues that we face in North American culture today is that we have become so focused on goal achievement.  Now, usually this is a very good thing.  But often our greatest strength can also be our greatest weakness.  In a sexual relationship “finishing” the task at hand as quickly and efficiently as possible is not the best approach.  (the occasional “quickie” notwithstanding of course, but a healthy relationship cannot exist only on “quickies”)

Remember back to the beginning of your relationship.  Was there a time when you couldn’t wait to have sex?  All you wanted to do was run your hands all over your lover’s body and explore every inch of them?  When simply stroking their skin would lurch you both to an almost overwhelming physical response?  When you would kiss for hours because you weren’t sure the two of you were ready to take the physical further?

Physical relationships always start somewhere.  Sitting next to someone and your legs touch.  Reaching for something at the same time and your fingers brush against each another’s.  Somewhere along the way all this accidental touching changes to be more intentional.   One of you, maybe both of you at the same time, reaches for the other’s hand - and you never stop holding hands after that.

The first hug - maybe stilted and done with one arm.  The eventually that becomes a two armed hug where you lean into each other and shoulders connect but a little kid could still walk between you while you hug.  And finally, there comes the full-frontal embrace.  Arms around each other, heads tilt to opposite angles and rest on each other shoulders.  Neck touches neck.  Chest touches chest.  Belly to belly, thigh to thigh and hands move slowly up and down the back - longing to go just a little lower.

Then the first kiss.  Maybe it starts as cheeks touching and you make a little kissing noise as you do it (how very European of you).  Then it will proceed to a quick lip to lip that barely gives you time to pucker, but you think about it for hours afterwards.  Eventually you work up to that first real kiss.  It might not last for hours - maybe it is under the porch light at the end of a great date.  The first real kiss.  You are looking right at each other and your eyes keep moving from their eyes to their lips, like an unspoken ask for permission.  Then you begin the long slow movement forward as you both realize that this is going to happen.  Your lips part just as you come together and your eyes close as you give yourself over to “the kiss.”

Once that seal is broken you are kissing all the time.  You find excuses to be together just so you can kiss again.   You can be on the phone together for hours, not talking, because all you really want to do is be close to them - and when you are, talking is not the highest priority on your list.

Remember those days?  Back then we were not in a sprint to the finish line.  Sure, we probably wanted to speed things up a bit, but we were never rushed.   And yet today we are overwhelmed with activities and responsibilities and physical intimacy doesn’t get the prioritization it deserves.  Ironically, it is often the very fact that we know we can “get it” anytime that induces us to put it off - often to the point that we never do.

We have to reprioritize our lives.  If we want our relationship to grow and thrive, and not be satisfied with it simply continuing to exist, then we need to get back to the basics.  Let’s build on the foundation that we have.  Those feelings and activities might be buried under years and years of distractions and actions, but if you dig down, you will find that foundation.

Yes, I understand that you are busy, that your life is hectic and that you run at a frantic pace.  I understand that you have kids and they have some kind of built in amorous radar that forces them to suddenly need your attention if you and your lover so much as exchange a meaningful gaze.  But I also know that your sex life is important.  That it needs and deserves time and attention.  You deserve some time and attention.

So find some alone time.  Call into work sick one day and stay in bed - together.  Get up REALLY early and learn to explore each other again.  Find a friend to watch the kids for a night - or even for a few hours.  Trade off with another couple - each of you can watch the other’s kids while you go out (or stay in) once a month.

And get back to basics.  When was the last time you climbed on the bed and kissed deeply and lost track of time in each other’s embrace?  When was the last time you gave each other an hour long sensual massage - making sure to touch every single part of your lover’s body?

My husband once told me that he had a basketball coach who enforced a very strict rule.  Every time they brought the ball down court, they had to pass the ball 4 times minimum before they were allowed to shoot.  Sounds crazy doesn’t it?  What if there was an open shot?  What if they had an easy lay-up?  Didn’t matter.  The rule was 4 passes first.  I will admit that I don’t know enough about basketball to understand his rationale, but I am going to steal his concept anyway.  Next time you have sex, put this rule in place:  No vaginal penetration and no orgasms for either of you until you have both gotten fully naked, kissed deeply for at least 10 minutes and touched every part of each other’s bodies.  This is not a fast break play (to stay with the basketball analogy).  You have to intentionally build up to sex.  Nothing is to be rushed along.

Here’s a quick quiz for you:

Men: do you know what it takes for your lover to have multiple orgasms?  Wouldn’t it be great to find out?  If she has had them before with you, what is the highest number of them she has ever had (and can you beat that number)?

Women: do you know how long your lover’s refractory period is? (The refractory period is the recovery phase after orgasm during which it is physiologically impossible for a man to have additional orgasms. It is also sometimes explained as the time immediately following orgasm during which a man cannot achieve an erection.)  The best part is that there is only one way to find out the answer to this particular question…

If you are going to commit to focusing on your sex life, start first by focusing on having sex.  But focus on the full experience of it - from initial arousal through the complete build up to each person’s orgasms, then (to steal a line from hair care products) rinse and repeat.  Make physical intimacy a priority - yes, that means that something else will be pushed down the priority list.  Then schedule ahead specific times where sexual intimacy becomes THE PRIORITY.   Plan ahead.   I know, scheduling sex might not sound  like the spontaneous love making that everyone on TV is having, but it is simply to help you gain perspective on its importance.  You aren’t scheduling the sex - just the time for it.  The sex can still be spontaneous, and in fact it should be.  If you schedule one night a month where you will have long, uninterrupted time for sex, then switch back and forth on who plans it.  Talk in between times about what you like and don’t like.  What you have tried and what you haven’t (but secretly always wanted to).  Find new favorite positions or fantasies.  Have some fun.

I have coached many many people who lost the fun in sex.  I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the statement, “sex just isn’t fun anymore.”  Don’t be afraid to laugh together in the bedroom, or the kitchen table or the shower or wherever you decide to consummate your relationship again.  Sex is fun.

If you have gotten this far in the class, then you understand how integral commitment and communication are to a relationship - now you’ll find out how consummation interweaves with them as well.  None of them are complete without all of them.

So go - kiss, hug, stroke, have sex.  You heard me.  Go on.  And, maybe you shouldn’t invite anyone else to your graduation party after all.  

“Like dumbbells for Your Hoo-Hoo”

Have you taken the poll yet? If not, go do that right now!

The correct answer to the question is: that simply by doing kegel exercises, you can achieve ALL of these things:

• Strengthening pubococcygeus muscles
• Making child birth easier
• Increasing the odds that your perineum will more likely be intact (fewer tears and episiotomies) throughout childbirth
• Enhancing sexual enjoyment for both men and women (including better orgasms!)
• Preventing prolapses (slipping out of place) of pelvic organs
• Preventing leaking urine when you sneeze or cough or jump on a trampoline
• Helping men achieve stronger erections

In my mind, this is a pretty strong incentive list! In this article, I will focus on kegel exercises for women, but I will address men in my blog post this week.

For women, the pelvic floor is like a basket of muscle. It holds in our bladder, our uterus and other sexual reproductive organs. As we get older, as we have children and as we gain weight, this muscle can begin to sag and lose over-all tightness. We also can experience decreased sexual sensation.

To combat this deterioration, doctors recommend that we do kegel exercises. The best way to illustrate a kegel exercise is as such: sit on the toilet and as you begin to pee, stop the flow of urine. This muscle that you are using is your pubococcygeus muscle, more commonly referred to as your PC muscle. A proper kegel exercise is contracting this muscle and holding it for 10 seconds. Doctors recommend that we do 3 sets of 20 kegels every day!

(Note: it is important to make sure that you are actually using your PC muscle and not your thighs or buttocks muscles. If you want to make sure that you are only using your PC muscle, then spread your legs on either side of the toilet as you begin to pee. This will ensure that you isolate the PC muscle and use only it.)

While this sounds a bit complicated when you get started, believe me, it is really simple once you get the hang of it. But where on earth are you going to find time to add this to your daily routine? It is surprisingly easy. Since no one can actually see you doing a kegel, you can do them just about anywhere. Sitting at a red light? Do some kegels. Standing in line at a grocery store? Do some kegels. Watching your favourite show on TV? Do some kegels. Although it takes some awareness and mental discipline, it is really quite easy to do.

Like all types of exercises, there are ways that you can vary the routine. Rather than just simple contractions, you can try:

The Flutter: Squeeze and release rapidly. Focus initially on a tight squeeze and release. Work your way up to doing it quickly. Do 30 flutters.

The Elevator: Picture your muscles as an elevator car at the bottom of your vagina, slowly moving its way up to the top. As the “elevator” goes up, increase the intensity of your squeeze. At the top, be squeezing the tightest. When the elevator moves down, slowly release the intensity. Repeat 10 times.  If you grew up in the 80’s you can sing Aerosmith’s Love in an Elevator while you do them.

Weighted Kegels: If you wanted to build the muscle in your bicep, you could curl your arm repeatedly and see small differences. Yet, if you picked up a 5- or 10-lb dumbbell in your hand, your arm will reap the benefits of doing the exercises with weights. Our PC muscles are no different. Add weights, and you will notice a more rapid increase in the strength of your muscles. Here are a couple options:

• Ben-wa Balls. Although two balls come in a set, I recommend that women start with just one. Insert it inside the vagina and hold it in place using your PC muscles. You will need to be standing for the balls to work. (Ladies, just for the record, it is not going anywhere. It is too large to go through the cervix!). Once you can hold one ball in place for 10 minutes or so, put in the second one and work your way up to 10 minutes with both inserted.
• Pleasure Pods. I have to admit, these are my favourite. They can be used two ways: 1) insert the whole thing into the vagina and hold it in place with your PC muscles while standing; or 2) lie down and insert the pod in half-way (where it narrows in the middle) and do any of the kegel exercises described above. You can be doing this while watching a movie (at home, obviously) or TV or even reading a book. One lady noted, “It’s like a dumbbell for your hoo-hoo!” Yes, yes it is.

At the end of the day, the most important aspect to highlight is that we are responsible for taking care of our bodies. The effort that we put into taking care of ourselves will have enormous benefits in many areas of our lives. Women have come to me, after becoming conscientious about doing their kegels, and told me that their orgasms have intensified, that they can feel their husbands for the first time since child birth, that they no longer fear jumping on a trampoline with their kids and they can watch a Depends commercial without a secret terror that they will need the product in the not-so-distant future. By taking some very simple steps, they have increased their overall satisfaction with their bodies, their sex lives and their comfort in social situations.

Now, isn’t that worth a bit of effort?

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A Case for Toys

Recently on a talk show, after a great discussion about which bedroom toys I thought were the best for men, women and couples, I was asked why I thought bedroom toys were such a good idea. For some people, they have always been seen as dirty and kinky, as a replacement for a partner, or simply unnecessary. But over the years, I have seen them be instrumental in revitalizing the sex lives of countless couples for several different reasons.

They open up the lines of communication in the bedroom.
As I mentioned in another post, communication is one of the key components to having great sex. And yet it is one of the scariest things to do (or even try) for most couples. Toys help alleviate this fear and lessen the stress by giving a focal point for both parties to start with. Think about it - it is virtually impossible to throw one of these items on the bed and not have some level of conversation about it – even if you are just laughing. (And remember, laughter in the bedroom can be a good thing too!) I had a lady tell me once that she had bought a couple’s toy and called her husband on the way home to ask him to bring out batteries for it. When she got home, he was sitting in bed looking as excited as she had seen him in years, with every single battery in the house spread out on the bed, and he quipped, “I didn’t know what kind we needed.” Just the mere idea of a toy got them talking about their sex lives. (It also led to the “best sex of their lives” according to her.) Thirty years into marriage, this couple found the key to talking about their sex life for the first time.

Bedroom toys help reduce the “ego factor”.

One of the reasons that talking about sex is difficult is because we are afraid of hurting each other’s feelings. Women, you know that if he is doing something to you with his body that is just not working, it can be very difficult to say “stop” because you are afraid that he is going to feel inadequate. Men, aren’t you secretly afraid that if you say “no” to ANYTHING that your wife is trying, then she will stop experimenting altogether – after all, many of us feel that getting something is better than nothing right? But when you are figuring out what works and what doesn’t work for you with a bedroom toy, it takes a lot of the pressure off. For example, saying, “I don’t like how a bullet (mini vibrator) feels there” is much less intimidating to say (or hear) than, “I don’t like it when YOU do that.”  This way you are both learning together and no one is to “blame” if either of you don’t like it.  And if you DO like it, you have opened up a whole new world of enjoyment for you both.

They help in situations where there are physiological difficulties.
Studies tell us that 43% of women and 31% of men have some sort of sexual dysfunction in the bedroom. These dysfunctions can run the gambit from low libido to erectile difficulties to complete inability to orgasm. A woman who has never been able to orgasm or has “lost” her orgasm due to menopause might be able experience this pleasure with the help of a vibrator. A man who is having a hard time keeping an erection might benefit from a C-Ring. And men and women who struggle with low libido discover that sex can be easier (and faster!) with the use of bedroom toys.

Bedroom toys add variety and fun to our sex lives!
I am a big believer that if we are going to have long lasting and healthy relationships we have to become experts in two areas:

1. recognizing when we are in a rut, and
2. knowing how to get out of that rut.

And bedroom toys are a great way to spice things up in the bedroom by trying something we haven’t tried before. In fact, a couple who have never been able to have face-to-face, simultaneous orgasms might be able to experience this intimacy for the first time with a couples’ toy. One client of mine had always thought a face-to-face simultaneous orgasm was an invention of Hollywood (only when people are acting). But when she and her husband used a couple’s toy for the first time, they realized that it did not just happen in the movies!!

Considering these things, it is easy to see why I am such a believer in bedroom toys. I do not mean to imply that toys can fix all the issues that a couple has, nor would I push anyone to try them if they are not comfortable with the idea. But if you are having any of the aforementioned issues, or are just looking to try something new, then I think bedroom toys are a great place to start.

Eryn-Faye on Marriage Uncensored with Dave and Christie

On March 15th, Marriage Uncensored with Dave and Christie asked me to come on the show and talk to them about my role as Canada’s Passion Coach. They wanted the discussion to revolve around the kind of questions that I get asked “behind closed doors” by women and men. The episode is only 24 minutes long (half-hour show) but we cover a lot of ground! You can watch the entire show here, or download it and watch it later. You can even get the audio for your ipod. Hope you enjoy!

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Too Old to Play?

Dear Eryn-Faye,

My partner is 75 years old and he has not had regular sex for quite a few years. He is having a problem having a strong erection and gets frustrated easily by this even though I do not put pressure on him to perform. I love him and would like to have a strong sex life but I am unsure of what to do to get him feeling more comfortable. Is there any age where men or women feel that sex is not part of there lives anymore?

The issue that you are experiencing is very common. As men age, they have increased difficulties with having and maintaining an erection. This is obviously an issue as we are having sex later and later in life. In my years as a Passion Coach, I have never met someone who was too old to have sex! The logistics may be a bit more complicated than when we were younger, but the interest and desire for intimacy is still there!

Allow me to give you a few suggestions that you and your partner can try together. First, if he is able to achieve erection, then you could use a “C-Ring” to help him maintain the erection. This item is a stretchy ring, usually made from silicone, which is placed around the base of the penis once it is erect. As the blood flow into the penis is restricted, it stays erect for longer. They are sometimes sold at drug stores or your can order them online. Here is a link to a company which sells C-Rings. You can order them in the privacy of your own home and they are delivered in plain packaging for your privacy and confidentiality.

* See the “Magic Rings” or the “Intimacy Enhancer”

For a complete explanation of how to put them on, how long to use them, etc., please visit this link.

A second suggestion is for your partner to visit his doctor. In these situations, doctors often prescribe a drug such as Viagra which can help men experience and maintain erection. This can be a very satisfying solution for couples.

Finally, allow me to speak to your comment about not wanting to put pressure on your partner. As I am sure you are aware, sometimes this issue is very difficult for men to talk about. A lot of their masculinity is tied up in their ability to “perform” and when this is waning, it can strike deep at the core of their identity. For tips on how to how to talk about this subject, this link has some excellent information: http://www.allabouted.com/english/relationships/partner.html.

Thank you for writing in to us. If you have any other questions, or just want to comment, I would love to hear from you again!

Sincerely,

Eryn-Faye, Passion Coach

Enhancing Experiences

My husband and I have really nothing but positive things to say about Eryn-Faye.

Ever since we communicated with her, we have found that we experience more pleasure during intercourse. It also adds an element of excitement to know that your husband is thoroughly enjoying himself.

Her expertise, non-nonsense coaching and support allows me to relax and know that I will experience intercourse without any discomfort. Going to Eryn-Faye and even just talking with her is well worth it!

~ New Mother