Creating space for meaningful conversations about sexual intimacy.

 

Posts tagged: female orgasm

I Seem to Have Misplaced My Orgasm

Posted on May 18, 2010

I recently received this excellent question from a lady who was attending one of my Passion Salons. She asked:

My question is regards to orgasm. I love having sex with my husband and we have regular sex… but I orgasm maybe twice a year. I suppose it’s possible that my reactions are small or I am unaware with the signs. We have tried many toys to help, lots of oral sex but I am just not there.  Is this possible?  Could I be missing something?

Now while there are numerous ways to approach a situation in which a woman wants to enjoy orgasm more frequently (there are all sorts of psychological, physical and environmental reasons why orgasm might be difficult), there is one strategy that I would like to highlight for the purposes of this blog: LOOK FOR THE EXCEPTIONS.

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When we look for exceptions, we realize that there are times when things do go the way we would like them to go, and we analyze the circumstances around these times. For example, he doesn’t always throw his underwear on the floor…occasionally, he will pick it up and put it in the laundry hamper. Or, she doesn’t always feel the need to have a deep heart to heart talk in the middle of a televised ball game.

The power for looking for exceptions is that when you identify the circumstances that produced positive results, you have a much higher chance of duplicating them and thereby getting what you want on a more consistent basis. Perhaps your husband puts up his dirty laundry on days when he is feeling successful. Perhaps your wife lets you watch the whole game uninterrupted (except to bring a beer) when she feels emotionally close to you already.

So, when I was responding to this lady’s question, I asked her, “What is different about the times you are able to orgasm? Are you away on vacation? Are you incredibly aroused? Have you had a drink of wine? Are the kids with the grandparents? Does he make love to you in a certain manner? Where is your mind in these times? Where are you (in water, in a bed, on the floor, etc.)? What position are you in? Did you just have a fight? Did you just have a heart-to-heart conversation? Does he smell a certain way? How much foreplay was there before you reached orgasm?  How long did it take you to reach orgasm?”

Pay attention when things go well. They didn’t just magically end up that way – something produced that effect. When you know what that “something” is, you can make it happen again.  And as my husband likes to say, “to quote G.I. Joe, ‘knowing is half the battle.’”

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G-spot orgasms and “squirting”…

Posted on April 30, 2009

Dear Eryn-Faye,

I was wondering…I’ve had the privilege of making my girlfriend “squirt” by stimulating her G-Spot. She said it was the most incredible orgasm and it really was a full body orgasm for sure but I was wondering what the whole phenomenon was. What actually comes out of a woman when she has this type of orgasm? And (come on let’s face it) she has them back to back and as many times as I give them to her…HOW FAIR IS THAT!!!??? LOL!

Let me start by saying that you are a very lucky man! Not a lot of women ever even look for, much less find, their G-spot.  And even fewer have ejaculation, and yet the women who do describe it as one of the best experiences they have ever had. I am a firm believer that we can all find our G-spots; it just takes time, practice and trust in our lover.

You have asked an excellent question about the ejaculate that comes out during a G-spot orgasm. Many women who experience this ejaculate are fearful that they are peeing the bed. However, there have been studies done on it and it is similar to seminal fluid, it just obviously doesn’t have the semen in it. While the ejaculate does come from the urethra (the same place that we pee from), it is very different than urine. You will find that it has a sweet scent (as opposed to the pungent smell of urine), it is clear (rather than yellow), and it won’t stain the bed sheets. There can, however, be quite a bit of fluid that comes out, so make sure you have towels handy if you don’t want to soak the bed.

As for that last part…life’s not fair! We get multiple orgasms and you don’t have to go through childbirth.  Grass is always greener on the other side my friend…

Again, thanks for such a great question!

Warmly,

Eryn-Faye, Passion Coach

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First Time

Posted on January 12, 2009

Dear Eryn-Faye,

My fiancee and I are both virgins. We are waiting until marriage. We would like our first time to be natural (i.e. no condom/ interference with contact) but also do not want to get pregnant. She has medical conditions that prevent her from being on any pill/insert/hormonal supplement. We would not mind bringing in condoms after the first time. Any advice?

I totally understand your desire to have the first time feel as natural as possible. However, there is no way to guarantee that you won’t get pregnant. Even though using a condom is not 100% accurate, it is the best option when you cannot use the other methods (the pill, the patch, the shot, the IUD, the ring, etc.). You will raise the risk of pregnancy significantly if you choose not to use a condom. You could look into a spermicidal lubricant so that you are not completely unprotected, but this is certainly not fool-proof and you could easily get pregnant on your wedding night. If you do choose this option, have your fiancée apply it as a “test run” before your wedding night to ensure that she is not allergic to any of the ingredients in it. Ultimately, the two of you need to make the decision together as to what is more important – protecting against pregnancy or having a “natural” experience – because you can’t be guaranteed to have both at once.

But as a professional, who has coached hundreds of people in the area of sexuality, please allow me to give you a few pointers which you might find helpful. Oftentimes, we have preconceived (and incorrect) notions of what sex will be like before we actually engage in it. Understanding the realities beforehand greatly increases our chances of enjoying that first experience.

  1. Most men, when they have not had sex before their wedding night, experience orgasm very quickly. This will not be a contentious issue if both of you are have realistic expectations on your wedding night. Having a condom on actually helps you have longer staying power, which will be helpful to your bride’s enjoyment of the experience. Just a thought.
  2. Take a lubricant on your honeymoon. The ability to lubricate to the extent needed varies from woman to woman, and having a lubricant on hand will greatly increase her comfort and therefore enjoyment. I am a fan of water-based lubricants as they are the easiest to clean up, but feel free to find what works for you.  Here are some choices.
  3. Encourage your fiancée to go to the doctor a few months before the big day, tell him/her that she is a virgin and about to have sex for the first time. If the doctor sees that she is particularly small, there are ways for her to stretch herself in preparation for you. While this might seem a bit embarrassing right now, trust me, it is so much better than her being in a lot of pain the first time (or first week or even first month) that you have sex!!
  4. Read up on the female orgasm!   The male orgasm is far less complex than the female orgasm. Fewer than 30% of women have an orgasm through vaginal penetration alone – the vast majority of women need stimulation on the clitoris in order to orgasm. Allowing your bride to “go first” will increase the chances of sufficient lubrication, allow her to be more relaxed, and ensure that both of you will be satisfied. If she doesn’t have an orgasm on that first night, don’t worry! The two of you have a lifetime together to figure it all out. (However, do write me back – or have her write me – so that I can give you some tips and suggestions for that department!)
  5. Be prepared for a clean up afterwards! Bring a hand towel, or box of Kleenex to bed with you so that you don’t have to sleep in the “wet spot” your first night together. Besides, great sex often requires a shower afterwards!

I realize that my answer goes beyond what you were asking originally, but I would love for the two of you to have the very best experience possible on your wedding night. Remember that sex is not a “gifting” that some people are endowed with and others are not. Instead, think of it as a skill set that the two of you will learn and perfect over time together. I would love to hear from you again (and your fiancée too) if you have any further comments or questions!!

Sincerely,

Eryn-Faye, Passion Coach

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