Anal Sex in Marriage - A Guest Post

It’s a beautiful evening and the kids are gone to grandma’s house.  There is a fire in the fireplace, the candles are lit, and the music is low and sultry.  You are kissing and fondling and things are quickly moving to the next level when you feel your husband’s fingers at the entrance of the forbidden zone!  Oh no, wait, that isn’t his finger at all!  As this realization hits your face, your wonderful soul-mate husband of many years leans over and whispers in your ear…”feeling adventurous?”

Ever happened to you?  Well, this scenario (with various different changes) is played out in marital beds all over.  I’ve had women to ask me why in the world their husband seems so infatuated with their bottom.  To me the answer is pretty simple.  Men get sexual gratification from sticking their member into small damp holes.  Once a man and woman are married, their bodies belong to each other.  Of course it’s only natural for a husband to think of all the places he can go with it.  The three holes that are large enough to accommodate a penis are the mouth, vagina, and anus.  A simple, mildly blunt explanation as to why a husband may be intrigued or interested in anal sex.

It would be unfair though; to say that husbands are the only ones interested in back door play.  Many women are also curious about this ‘taboo’ subject.  In my own marriage, I have always been the aggressor when it comes to anal play/sex.  I had experimented myself during some alone time and found that there really are some nerve endings at the entrance of the anus that feel so pleasurable when stimulated!  I told my husband about it and asked if he minded using a finger there from time to time during intercourse.  The results were mind-blowing orgasms that made me melt and made him feel pretty good too!

So… how does a couple know if it’s really okay to try anal sex?  I firmly believe that a married couple should feel free to try almost anything they want to in their own marriage bed.  I draw the line at involving a third party, which includes other people physically and also pornography (this could be a whole other article in itself).  A healthy marriage is between the husband, wife, and God.  I also draw the line with sex acts that will hurt or demean one of you.  If you are involved in an act that makes you feel humiliated or degraded, then that act is unhealthy for your marriage.  That is a gateway for resentment to set in.

Anal sex can be very pleasurable for some women.  (Notice I said some and not all.)  We hear about orgasms that start from the clitoris or from the G-spot, but there are many women out there who swear that they have had orgasms originating from their anus.  I believe them because it’s happened to me as well.  But for all the women who claim to love anal sex, there seem to be just as many who don’t like it at all.  For some women it seems degrading and for others it’s uncomfortable or just down right painful.  Communication is so important here.  If you are curious about it, then TALK to your spouse!  Ask them how they feel about trying some anal play.  Find out if he/she is uncomfortable with the idea.  Discuss any concerns openly with each other.  There are some possible medical issues that could result from participating in anal sex, including infection and damage to the rectum, so it would be wise to research this together before deciding on trying it. If you find that your concerns and uneasiness outweigh the curiosity and eagerness, then you probably need to stop and back up a bit.  If you and your spouse have researched this topic and feel like it is something you’d like to try together, then here are a few things to keep in mind.

• You need to start small with a pinky finger or similar sized toy and gradually work your way up to the size of the husband’s penis.  You may find that you can’t accommodate your husband’s penis but you do like the feel of his index finger.
• STOP if you get to something that hurts. DO NOT try to “push past the pain.”  If there is pain it’s there for a reason and should be taken as a warning.  You are looking for sexual pleasure, not something that hurts you.
• There is no such thing as too much lube. Use copious amounts of it, all over you and your husband.  Use the amount you think you’ll need, and then add some more.
• Go slow and let her be in charge. Let her choose the position that she likes and allow her to set the pace.  It may take several minutes for her to be able to handle the full monty, so be patient and wait until she is ready for more.  Short, slow strokes are best to start off with.

You may wonder how in the world anal sex can deepen intimacy in marriage.  Over the last few years I’ve heard many stories of this, including one woman who wrote to me explaining how she had been sexually active with several other men before marrying her husband.  In her marriage, anal sex was a very intimate and bonding act for the simple reason that she had never had anal sex with any other man.  Her promiscuous past included vaginal sex with other men, but they both knew that the only man she had ever had anal intercourse with was her husband.  Thus, it became a very intimate act between them.

Like all other sex acts, this is a decision that is left up to each individual couple.  Anal sex isn’t for everyone.  It’s not the be-all end-all sex act.  It’s simply one out of hundreds of things that a married couple should feel free to try, if they both want to.  If both of you aren’t on the same page about it, then choose another book.  It shouldn’t be a divisive issue.  So communicate, research, and make a decision together.  And above all, have fun!

Cumingirl is a devoted wife and full time mom of two living in the USA.  She is one of the co-creators of www.christiannymphos.org.  Their website is considered by many to be groundbreaking in its ability to intertwine sex and the Christian faith.  The site was launched as a way to teach married women to walk in sexual freedom with their husbands.

Introducing the We-Vibe II

I am absolutely thrilled to announce that I am now selling the We-Vibe II. This little gadget has consistently been rated as one of the top couples’ toy across North America.

Here are some of its highlights:

• The Vibe is worn during intercourse. Women will feel stimulation on the clitoral and G-spot areas simultaneously; men will feel the vibrations on the penis.
• It has a rechargeable battery - plug it in to recharge when you aren’t using it so it is always ready to go.
• It is quiet but has strong vibrations - 3,000 or 5,000 rpm depending on the setting!
• It is designed to be incredibly flexible to fit all body shapes and sizes.
• The Vibe is phthalate-free, made from medical grade silicone.

I have a few clients who have already tried out this little item and have RAVED about it. It would make an amazing Christmas present!

For complete information on the Vibe, check out the link from their website:     http://we-vibe.com/.

My favourite line on their video: Do not clean in the dishwasher!!

Introductory price

(good until November 30, 2009)

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Consummation 101

Welcome back to class.  This will be our last day of class before you “graduate”.  Feel free to have a big party tonight, but don’t pass out invitations in class unless you are inviting everyone!

But before we get too far into the celebration mode, let’s not forget that we do have a class today.  And yes, as promised, this really will focus on the sexual aspect of relationships.  No guys, if you have been diligently and patiently doing all the homework with your lady, then today’s lesson is truly well earned.  If you have sulked through class doing the bare minimums…well, then quid pro quo should not surprise you in the least.  You get what you give…

That being said, ladies - those of you who think that communication is the end-all-be-all of intimacy and understanding each other, I point you to a universally respected philosopher, Plato who said:

You can learn more from someone in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.

Not the kind of thing you would expect to hear from the guy who wrote The Republic and lectured on metaphysics in ancient Greece is it?  But it is true.

Now, I have already received quite a few emails in anticipation of this particular article.  My favorite was a simple, short question that said, “Are you teaching how to have sex?”  This is a question that I get asked all the time - especially in social settings when somebody blurts out that I am a “passion coach for sex”.  There is that awkward silence where people take that in and process it.  I usually take a deep breath and try to explain why that statement is as wrong as it is right, but someone always asks the question, “do you teach people how to have sex?”

The short of it is of course, no.  This article is not going to be a “tab A - slot B” diagram.   The underlying cause in the dramatic rise in sexless marriages in North America is not a lack of understanding of how a penis and vagina connect together.  I have yet to have anyone come to me for help and say, “I keep hearing about this thing called sex, but I have no idea what it is or how it works.”

No, for most of us, sex gets lost in the clutter of daily life, or set aside because of physical or emotional issues.   And yet physical intimacy is as important to a strong relationship as commitment and communication.  And yes, I did just switch terms from sex to physical intimacy.  They are slightly synonymous.  Sex is always physical intimacy, but physical intimacy is not always sex.

Easy guys, I am not going to say that a good cuddle can take the place of sex on a daily basis.  I don’t believe that.  But I do think both are important.  One of the issues that we face in North American culture today is that we have become so focused on goal achievement.  Now, usually this is a very good thing.  But often our greatest strength can also be our greatest weakness.  In a sexual relationship “finishing” the task at hand as quickly and efficiently as possible is not the best approach.  (the occasional “quickie” notwithstanding of course, but a healthy relationship cannot exist only on “quickies”)

Remember back to the beginning of your relationship.  Was there a time when you couldn’t wait to have sex?  All you wanted to do was run your hands all over your lover’s body and explore every inch of them?  When simply stroking their skin would lurch you both to an almost overwhelming physical response?  When you would kiss for hours because you weren’t sure the two of you were ready to take the physical further?

Physical relationships always start somewhere.  Sitting next to someone and your legs touch.  Reaching for something at the same time and your fingers brush against each another’s.  Somewhere along the way all this accidental touching changes to be more intentional.   One of you, maybe both of you at the same time, reaches for the other’s hand - and you never stop holding hands after that.

The first hug - maybe stilted and done with one arm.  The eventually that becomes a two armed hug where you lean into each other and shoulders connect but a little kid could still walk between you while you hug.  And finally, there comes the full-frontal embrace.  Arms around each other, heads tilt to opposite angles and rest on each other shoulders.  Neck touches neck.  Chest touches chest.  Belly to belly, thigh to thigh and hands move slowly up and down the back - longing to go just a little lower.

Then the first kiss.  Maybe it starts as cheeks touching and you make a little kissing noise as you do it (how very European of you).  Then it will proceed to a quick lip to lip that barely gives you time to pucker, but you think about it for hours afterwards.  Eventually you work up to that first real kiss.  It might not last for hours - maybe it is under the porch light at the end of a great date.  The first real kiss.  You are looking right at each other and your eyes keep moving from their eyes to their lips, like an unspoken ask for permission.  Then you begin the long slow movement forward as you both realize that this is going to happen.  Your lips part just as you come together and your eyes close as you give yourself over to “the kiss.”

Once that seal is broken you are kissing all the time.  You find excuses to be together just so you can kiss again.   You can be on the phone together for hours, not talking, because all you really want to do is be close to them - and when you are, talking is not the highest priority on your list.

Remember those days?  Back then we were not in a sprint to the finish line.  Sure, we probably wanted to speed things up a bit, but we were never rushed.   And yet today we are overwhelmed with activities and responsibilities and physical intimacy doesn’t get the prioritization it deserves.  Ironically, it is often the very fact that we know we can “get it” anytime that induces us to put it off - often to the point that we never do.

We have to reprioritize our lives.  If we want our relationship to grow and thrive, and not be satisfied with it simply continuing to exist, then we need to get back to the basics.  Let’s build on the foundation that we have.  Those feelings and activities might be buried under years and years of distractions and actions, but if you dig down, you will find that foundation.

Yes, I understand that you are busy, that your life is hectic and that you run at a frantic pace.  I understand that you have kids and they have some kind of built in amorous radar that forces them to suddenly need your attention if you and your lover so much as exchange a meaningful gaze.  But I also know that your sex life is important.  That it needs and deserves time and attention.  You deserve some time and attention.

So find some alone time.  Call into work sick one day and stay in bed - together.  Get up REALLY early and learn to explore each other again.  Find a friend to watch the kids for a night - or even for a few hours.  Trade off with another couple - each of you can watch the other’s kids while you go out (or stay in) once a month.

And get back to basics.  When was the last time you climbed on the bed and kissed deeply and lost track of time in each other’s embrace?  When was the last time you gave each other an hour long sensual massage - making sure to touch every single part of your lover’s body?

My husband once told me that he had a basketball coach who enforced a very strict rule.  Every time they brought the ball down court, they had to pass the ball 4 times minimum before they were allowed to shoot.  Sounds crazy doesn’t it?  What if there was an open shot?  What if they had an easy lay-up?  Didn’t matter.  The rule was 4 passes first.  I will admit that I don’t know enough about basketball to understand his rationale, but I am going to steal his concept anyway.  Next time you have sex, put this rule in place:  No vaginal penetration and no orgasms for either of you until you have both gotten fully naked, kissed deeply for at least 10 minutes and touched every part of each other’s bodies.  This is not a fast break play (to stay with the basketball analogy).  You have to intentionally build up to sex.  Nothing is to be rushed along.

Here’s a quick quiz for you:

Men: do you know what it takes for your lover to have multiple orgasms?  Wouldn’t it be great to find out?  If she has had them before with you, what is the highest number of them she has ever had (and can you beat that number)?

Women: do you know how long your lover’s refractory period is? (The refractory period is the recovery phase after orgasm during which it is physiologically impossible for a man to have additional orgasms. It is also sometimes explained as the time immediately following orgasm during which a man cannot achieve an erection.)  The best part is that there is only one way to find out the answer to this particular question…

If you are going to commit to focusing on your sex life, start first by focusing on having sex.  But focus on the full experience of it - from initial arousal through the complete build up to each person’s orgasms, then (to steal a line from hair care products) rinse and repeat.  Make physical intimacy a priority - yes, that means that something else will be pushed down the priority list.  Then schedule ahead specific times where sexual intimacy becomes THE PRIORITY.   Plan ahead.   I know, scheduling sex might not sound  like the spontaneous love making that everyone on TV is having, but it is simply to help you gain perspective on its importance.  You aren’t scheduling the sex - just the time for it.  The sex can still be spontaneous, and in fact it should be.  If you schedule one night a month where you will have long, uninterrupted time for sex, then switch back and forth on who plans it.  Talk in between times about what you like and don’t like.  What you have tried and what you haven’t (but secretly always wanted to).  Find new favorite positions or fantasies.  Have some fun.

I have coached many many people who lost the fun in sex.  I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the statement, “sex just isn’t fun anymore.”  Don’t be afraid to laugh together in the bedroom, or the kitchen table or the shower or wherever you decide to consummate your relationship again.  Sex is fun.

If you have gotten this far in the class, then you understand how integral commitment and communication are to a relationship - now you’ll find out how consummation interweaves with them as well.  None of them are complete without all of them.

So go - kiss, hug, stroke, have sex.  You heard me.  Go on.  And, maybe you shouldn’t invite anyone else to your graduation party after all.  

It’s Amazing What You Can Find on TV

I was probably one of the few people who actually loved the TV show, Lipstick Jungle starring Brooke Shields, Kim Raver, and Lindsay Price. In fact, judging by how quickly it got canceled, I might have been the only one!  To me, it was the grown up version of Sex in the City. The ladies in Lipstick Jungle were a bit older, very focused on their careers, and yet dealt with the complexities of balancing their work persona with being wives, moms and lovers.

In one of my favourite episodes, Nico deliberates about getting a collagen injection into her G-spot so that she could increase the pleasure in her sex life. The whole episode centers around her internal debate - is it safe? Will it really work? Does it make me slutty? How do I even find it? (She has to give serious thought to this latter question after the nurse tells her that the doctor prefers it if his patients do their personal “market research” ahead of time so they can tell him exactly where their G-spot is at the time of the procedure!) In the end, the writers she decides that it is too intriguing an option to pass up. The audience sees her in the cab ride home afterward, and every time the cab hits a bump, she gets a wider and wider smile on her face.

Believe it or not, this procedure is actually real. More and more women are visiting doctors who take needles, insert them into the G-spot, and inject collagen. Collagen swelled lips are evidently passé; we have now moved onto our G-spots!!

Once the procedure takes effect (just minutes and supposedly you can have sex 4 hours later!), the G-spot swells to the size of a quarter and grows very sensitive to stimulation. They say that a majority of women report enhanced sexual sensation after the procedure. One press release advertises that you can have the procedure in the morning, and “experience intense multiple orgasms tonight”!

So why isn’t every woman rushing out to get this procedure done? Well, I would assume that getting a vaginal injection is not high on ladies’ priority lists.  And then, even if you can suppress the fear factor of having a needle inserted up your hoo-hoo, you will be shelling out a lot of money (anywhere between $1800-$2500) and the effects can wear off in less than 4 months.

In case you need me to do the math for you, that’s over $450 a month (on the cheap end) for multiple orgasms. Now, I am a huge proponent of making an investment into your sex life, but that is a bit much for me - especially when there is a risk of it not working for you.  And I didn’t even go looking for on-line stories of the procedure going horribly wrong.

I personally, just couldn’t justify it.  If I want to increase feeling and intensity in the G-spot, I would just use G-spot Crème (which happens to be the product of the week…I know, convenient, right?).  The crème is cheaper, non-invasive and doesn’t require a doctor or anesthetic.  What’s not to love about that?!

Anyway, the point of this post is simply to note the extremes that some women are willing to go to in order to attempt to enhance their sexual experiences.   Some ladies are willing to pay a lot of money and have surgical procedures done over and over again to find that elusive sexual nirvana.  So, my question, for those brave enough to answer:

what is the most “extreme” thing you have done in an attempt to increase your sexual experience?  And…did it work for you?

(keep in mind that everyone’s “extreme” is different.  I am not simply looking for salacious stories, I honestly want to know if you have tried things to spice up your sex life.)

Finding the G-Spot

For those of you who have been paying attention to this site, you may have noticed that I have begun to move towards a weekly focused theme on the site.  Each Monday the Passion Poll asks a question, which introduces the subject of the week.  I try to put up an article that gives some specific information regarding the subject, and the P.O.W. (Product of the Week) is always something that can help you explore this topic a little more thoroughly.  The blog portion is intended to add some anecdotal information about the subject.  All of this is intentional. I want you to be able to gain depth of insight on each of these issues; be on the lookout to learn something you might have never learned before; or be reminded of something that you have forgotten. And most importantly, have something that you can put into practice this week with your spouse.

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As you have probably noticed, this week, the subject is the often spoken about, sometimes elusive, but truly amazing: female G-spot. Named after the German gynecologist Ernst Gräfenberg who discovered it in the 1950’s, the G-spot is a patch of tissue that is similar in nature to the tissue inside the head of the man’s penis. It is about the size of a dime when the woman is not aroused, but as she becomes so, it grows to the size of a quarter. It is located 1-3 inches inside the vagina, to the front (so it you are lying down, it is towards the top of your body). Every woman’s body is different, but the G-spot will be in the same general vicinity.  This diagram might be helpful for you to understand its whereabouts:

Because it is located in close proximity to the urethra, when the G-spot is touched many women interpret the feeling as the need to use the bathroom. (If this makes you uncomfortable, empty your bladder before embarking on any G-spot finding expeditions!) As you continue to stimulate the G-spot, this sensation fades and gives way to another sensation. Some women find the find the new sensation mildly pleasant, others find it arousing, and still others find intense and orgasmic pleasure. Women in the latter category have described the G-spot orgasm to me as “the exorcist orgasm” or a “full body heaving”. While the clitoral orgasm seems to be centralized around the pelvic region, the G-spot orgasm emanates throughout the whole body.

Some women who achieve a G-spot orgasm will also have “female ejaculation”. (They will often come up to me with a shy smile and whisper, “I squirt!”) This ejaculate comes out of the urethra and so women are often afraid that they have urinated in the bed. However, this fluid is completely different than urine. It is clear (vs. yellow), it has a sweet smell (vs. pungent), and it won’t stain your bed sheets. Having said all of this, there can be quite a bit of it, so I always recommend that you are prepared for the possibility with some towels on your bed just to make the clean up easier.

If I have you curious, and you want to embark on a hunt for your G-spot, here are some thoughts on finding it. It is a process - it takes time, experience and a high degree of comfort with your body and your lover to experience orgasm through this form of stimulation. Most women report that they are very relaxed and highly aroused when they experience this type of orgasm for the first time. If you are using fingers, it can be difficult to find on your own, but if your husband inserts two fingers inside of you, and strokes the G-spot in a firm “come hither” motion, this can be extremely successful. Many women have also found that using a vibrator is most helpful, especially as they are just learning to find it, because the toy will put firm pressure on the area. There are many that are made specifically for this purpose.  I can recommend these few specifically.  Finally, let me encourage you…even if it takes time to find, don’t give up!  If you allow yourself, you will enjoy the journey as well as the destination.

Product of the Week: G-Spot Creme

G-Spot Crème produces a stimulating, tingling effect to inspire sensual excitement in the G-Spot. The rich ingredients interact with your G-Spot to promote a higher awareness of sexual sensitivity, enabling greater sexual pleasure. Formulated with just the right balance of ingredients to influence a woman’s sexual response, G-Spot Crème is pH balanced, water soluble and condom friendly. G-Spot Crème was designed for women by women to instill a positive level of confident sexual awareness, while providing the internal stimulation their bodies crave.

Standard pricing for this product is CDN $36.00 if ordered from Canada or US $29.50 for those ordering from the States.

PRODUCT OF THE WEEK DISCOUNT

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US customers - please note that when you order the item, the Canadian price will show up on your order form. HOWEVER, this price will be changed to US pricing before the charge is applied to your credit card and an email will be sent to you reflecting the new price.

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G-spot Orgasms

G-spot orgasms and “squirting”…

Dear Eryn-Faye,

I was wondering…I’ve had the privilege of making my girlfriend “squirt” by stimulating her G-Spot. She said it was the most incredible orgasm and it really was a full body orgasm for sure but I was wondering what the whole phenomenon was. What actually comes out of a woman when she has this type of orgasm? And (come on let’s face it) she has them back to back and as many times as I give them to her…HOW FAIR IS THAT!!!??? LOL!

Let me start by saying that you are a very lucky man! Not a lot of women ever even look for, much less find, their G-spot.  And even fewer have ejaculation, and yet the women who do describe it as one of the best experiences they have ever had. I am a firm believer that we can all find our G-spots; it just takes time, practice and trust in our lover.

You have asked an excellent question about the ejaculate that comes out during a G-spot orgasm. Many women who experience this ejaculate are fearful that they are peeing the bed. However, there have been studies done on it and it is similar to seminal fluid, it just obviously doesn’t have the semen in it. While the ejaculate does come from the urethra (the same place that we pee from), it is very different than urine. You will find that it has a sweet scent (as opposed to the pungent smell of urine), it is clear (rather than yellow), and it won’t stain the bed sheets. There can, however, be quite a bit of fluid that comes out, so make sure you have towels handy if you don’t want to soak the bed.

As for that last part…life’s not fair! We get multiple orgasms and you don’t have to go through childbirth.  Grass is always greener on the other side my friend…

Again, thanks for such a great question!

Warmly,

Eryn-Faye, Passion Coach

Eryn-Faye on Marriage Uncensored with Dave and Christie

On March 15th, Marriage Uncensored with Dave and Christie asked me to come on the show and talk to them about my role as Canada’s Passion Coach. They wanted the discussion to revolve around the kind of questions that I get asked “behind closed doors” by women and men. The episode is only 24 minutes long (half-hour show) but we cover a lot of ground! You can watch the entire show here, or download it and watch it later. You can even get the audio for your ipod. Hope you enjoy!

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