Somewhere between the “this food is awesome” appetizer and the “I am so full I could puke” course of our fondue meal on New Year’s Eve, one of our friends broached the topic of resolutions. There were a few smirks, a few comments mentioning the same ol’ same ol’. Lose weight. Make more money. Blah, blah. After a bit of awkwardness due to the lack of enthusiasm around the subject, my husband finally put an end to the discussion when he announced that in 1992 (the year we met, ironically enough) he made a New Year’s resolution to never make a resolution again. In all his years, it is the only one which he has successfully kept.
Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on your view, not everyone makes resolutions like my husband. For the vast majority of us, at the beginning of each year, there is an innate desire to start fresh and an overwhelming desire to commit to that fresh start. For some of us, we let go of the past year with a tinge of regret for it was good to us. For others, we look to the new year with a bit of desperation. “Thank God that year is over; this year has to be better” we mutter as we clink our glasses of champagne at midnight. There is something slightly magical about that hour. It’s as if we can turn the page on the divorce or house fire or grief which marred the year. We can begin a new chapter.
But just as we begin to feel hopeful and excited, cynicism sets in. If you resolve to make a change in your life, how long can it actually last? In North America, the average New Year’s resolution lasts for three weeks. Culturally, we can’t even cut it for a month. Perhaps we are lazy. Perhaps we get distracted. Perhaps we feel overwhelmed. Perhaps we don’t make our resolution a goal that we can actually achieve.
(Vote in the poll – what’s the longest you have kept a New Year’s Resolution?)
Regardless of our reasons, the frightening thing about our inability to stick it out is that the very minimum amount of time that it takes to form a new habit is 21 days. Neurologically, when we create new habits, we are forming new pathways in the brain and actually replacing our old habits with new ones. If we are not constantly reinforcing the new actions (and yes, that means every single day without fail) the old habits are going to remain dominant. In fact, NASA did experiments which indicated that this process can take anywhere from 25 days to 30 days. Essentially, people are bailing out of their resolutions just as their new habits are beginning to take root.
I say all of this to offer hope. Goal setting can be an incredibly powerful tool when used properly. When I see clients who want to see change in their relationship…
I tell them to give goal setting a P.A.S.S.
P – Positive
My aunt has a saying, “What you focus on will grow.” The concept is borne of the ancient wisdom, “seek and you shall find”. If you are diligently looking for something, you are going to find it. How does this have anything to do with goal setting?
Let’s say you created the goal “I want to stop nagging my husband.” What are you going to be focused on? Nagging! You will be counting up the number of nags each week and comparing them to nags last week.
When you redefine your goal to be positively stated, think of it this way: when you have stopped nagging, what will you be doing instead? You have all this free time now so what are you going to do with it? You might say, “I want to thank my husband when he demonstrates his love to me” or, “I want to tell my husband that he is a good father” or “I want to give my husband a back rub when he gets home.”
Now your focus will change to the positive actions that you are taking and you will notice.
A – Action-oriented
Many people make the mistake of making a goal of feeling good. Obviously, we all want to be happy in life, but defining your goals around your feelings is at best ambiguous and at worst a completely frustrating endeavour. Instead I encourage my clients to focus on actions they can take. Having consistently taken those actions, the feelings and emotions will be the rewards that follow.
So, for example, some people resolve “to love their husbands more in 2010.” An admirable goal for sure, but what does that mean in real terms?
What if you say instead: I want to greet me my husband with a kiss every day when he gets home from work. Or, I want to tell my husband that I love him at least once a day.
Those are specific, quantifiable things that we can measure. You will know whether you have success in your goal or not because the actions were either taken or they were not. The feelings of loving your husband more will flow out of your intentional actions – because what you focus on grows!
S – Short-term
If you have a huge goal, I applaud you. Around our household, we call these BHAGs (BEE-hags) for Big Hairy Audacious Goal. I love big hopes and dreams and goals. I think everyone needs to have a BHAG that s/he is working towards because it takes our eyes off of the immediate and gives us hope for something big.
However, every large goal has to be broken down into small, bite-sized pieces. In order to get to achieve success, you are going to have a myriad of short-term, one month, one week, one day goals which are going to get you there. After all, “a journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step.”
The benefit of these shorter-term goals is twofold. First, once you taste success, you are motivated to have more. Secondly, consistency will propel you towards your overall goal. It’s the old hare vs. turtle story – as you plug away faithfully, you will eventually get there.
If you want to see change in your relationship, I would recommend a goal that you can reach by Valentine’s Day which is about six weeks away. It is long enough (even by NASA’s standards) to engrain a new habit, but short enough to taste success. Once you have determined what you want to do over the next six weeks then break that goal down into chunks of one week goals, one day goals and so forth.
S – Specific
It is imperative that your goal identifies a specific action to be done a specific number of times in a specific period. If you want to have more sex in your relationship over the next six weeks, what does that look like? Is that one time? Or three or six or twelve?
Consider this as a goal instead, “I want to have sex with my spouse at least two times a week from now until Valentine’s Day. Mondays and Thursdays are probably the easiest to aim for because we have more energy on those days.”
So What Now?
Although it might seem counter-intuitive in our culture which thrives on the belief that faster is better, there is an old adage which holds a lot of truth: “good change is slow change.”
- So slow down and think longer term, then
- Clearly define what you want to see over the next several weeks,
- Pick specific, tangible things you are going to do each day, and finally
- Be consistent in fulfilling your daily assignments for yourself.
Set Valentine’s Day as your initial time commitment to this goal. Do your daily tasks every day until Valentine’s Day.
At the very least, you will have succeeded more that the rest of North America. And you can celebrate that success together with your lover!
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