If you want to bring a little more “imagination” into the bedroom, why not read a little erotic literature? Take turns reading hot and steamy passages out loud.
Posts tagged: imagination
Relational Eroticism
One of the most profound talks I have ever seen took place when JJ Abrams spoke at the TED Conference. If you are not yet familiar with TED, you really should be. It is a conference held each year on topics which relate to Technology, Entertainment and Design. Experts from all around the world are invited to speak about their field of study in 18 minutes or less. God himself would only be allotted 18 minutes to speak at TED. And while it costs about $6,000 to buy a ticket to the conference – if you can get one at all – you can watch the talks online for free.
Back in March 2007, JJ Abrams spoke on mystery. When he was a young boy, his grandfather was the instrumental person in his life that encouraged both his love of mysteries and as well as his exploration into how things work. One of his grandfather’s gifts to him was a box of magic tricks advertised to have $50 worth of magic for only $15. Abrams has carried that box around with him for years, never opening it, as a reminder of his grandfather and the wonder of what the box might actually hold. As long as he keeps it closed, there is mystery. Abrams contends that “Mystery is the catalyst for imagination” and “there are times when mystery is more important than knowledge.”
If you want to watch his TED talk in its entire 18 minutes, click here – JJ Abrams – Magic Box .
The reason, he continues, that mystery trumps knowledge is that we crave “mystery boxes” in our stories. They are the lifeblood of entertainment. Take Star Wars for example:
You got the droids; they meet the mysterious woman. Who’s that? We don’t know. Mystery box! Then you meet Luke Skywalker. He gets the droids, you see the holographic image. You learn, Oh, it’s a message. She wants to, you know, find Obi Wan Kenobi. He’s her only hope. But who’s Obi Wan Kenobi? Mystery box! So he goes to Old Ben Kenobi and it turns out he is Obi Wan Kenobi and he knew Luke’s father. But who is Luke’s father? Mystery box!
It is these mystery boxes which draw us into the story. They stimulate our imagination. They are the great unknown. They bond us to the characters. They are the twists and turns which we do not expect but utterly delight us. That is our attitude…at least when they are happening on screen.
But what happens when we encounter mystery boxes in our own lives? Typically, we get very annoyed. They are inconvenient. They deter us from easy and fun things in our lives. They don’t fit into our neat and tidy version of a picture-perfect life.
However, if we were to translate our lives into a movie script, they would look like this:
- My 13 month old daughter was just diagnosed with a potentially life-threatening illness. We don’t know what is coming next. Mystery box.
- There is a world-wide economic downturn. How are we going to make it financially? Mystery box.
- My husband has just been put on anti-depressants which are killing his libido. How do we manage that? Mystery box.
In our personal lives, we want to – in fact we demand to – rip open the mystery box to see what is inside. The very circumstances that would make our life’s story a block-buster hit on screen are what we want to immediately eradicate. We want all the answers right here, right now. But the irony of the mystery box is that once you rip it open, all the possibilities are gone. Suddenly the anticipation of $50 worth of magic is replaced by the fact that you actually only got a bunch of cheap tricks.
And yet, if you are going to experience eroticism in your relationship, you are going to have to endure a bit of mystery.
How on earth do eroticism and mystery have anything to do with each other?
They have everything to do with each other. Think about it – when did you have the most passion and eroticism with your lover? I would put money on the earlier days of your relationship. Those were the days when we would kiss for hours; we would talk until 4 in the morning; we could not wait to get a phone call during the day from each other. To quote the band, The Police, it was the period in our relationship when “Every little thing she does is magic.”
Ironically, those were also the days when we knew very little about each other. Our hunger to become more knowledgeable of each other drove our passions. The very mystery of this new person sparked eroticism. But as we began to understand each other, as we began to grow deeper in love, and as we melded our worlds together, the eroticism faded.
In his book The Kosher Sutra, Shmuley Boteach describes it as such: “[Eroticism] is much like a secret that you long to hear. As soon as its contents are revealed, it has ceased to be a secret and in the process it has ceased to be interesting or erotic.”
If I had to wager a guess right now, I would bet that you have a lot of knowledge about your spouse but not a lot of mystery. I would further guess that you miss the passion that you once had in your relationship. Those two circumstances are intrinsically entwined.
So how do we nurture a relationship of intimacy over decades with our spouse and still experience mystery?
This is the topic I am going to be discussing over my next few blogs. Together, we will explore how the Age of Enlightenment and the accompanying deification of reason threatens to destroy the passion in our relationships. We will look at the annoyances of dealing with ambiguity and the importance of seeing our lovers through fresh eyes. We will brainstorm about ways to increase the erotic in our marriages. And somewhere, in the midst of all of this, I hope that we will begin once again feel the flames of passion. Perhaps we will even want to rip the clothes off of our lovers once again. Stay tuned.
Rediscovering Passion
In the course of my business as a Passion Coach, I have had the privilege of talking to hundreds of women about passion, sensuality, and sexuality. In all of these conversations, the best way I have heard “passion” defined was by a dear friend in California. She said to me,
“Passion is what allows me to breathe, and yet it is passion that takes my breath away.”
In that simple, and yet profound statement, she summed up the two sides of passion. On one hand, it is the essence of life because it makes us feel alive and connected. It underpins our hopes and dreams. It is the “why” to our “what” and “how”. It is the inner compass that we were given so that we wouldn’t lose our way on the journey of life. It points to the unique direction that we are supposed to go. Robin Williams’ character in the movie Dead Poet’s Society described it as “sucking the marrow out of life”. Bon Jovi described it as waking up to “French kiss the morning.” It allows us to breathe.
But passion can also be a lightening bolt that hits us out of the blue. Being blown away by a performance. Bursting into tears while listening to a song on the radio. That “ah-ha” moment where everything is just snaps into focus and is crystal clear. A look across the room that just makes your knees weak. It takes our breath away.
Unfortunately, we often allow passion to drop to the bottom of our priority list. It gets drowned out by the details of life. We sacrifice it on the alter of the convenient, the immediate, the proper, the conventional, the expected.
And so now it is…
…Simpler to make sure that little Susie gets to school on time than to realize that something that we dreamed of in our own childhood has been neglected for years … safer to plop down in front of the tube and see other people’s passions play out on screen than giving life to our own passions … easier to become roommates with our spouse rather than putting in the effort to reignite that spark that drew us together in the first place.
I am an adamant believer that passion doesn’t have to disappear. But, in order to stay alive, it must be nurtured. Or, as the author Erwin McManus puts it, “the better world you keep waiting for needs you to accept your life’s calling and responsibility, and then to create it.”[1]
If it has been so long since you paid heed to the inner compass of your passion, you might need some help rediscovering it. Here are some exercises that you can do:
1. Spend an hour at the park with a journal. Watch the kids on the playground and remember what you were like as a child. What did you dream about? What made you most happy? What did you want to be when you grew up? What captured your imagination? What did you find interesting?
2. Watch your favorite movie. What do you love about it? Why? What draws you to its characters? Why do you like/hate them? How does this movie inspire you to live? Does it reflect anything that you would like to emulate?
3. Listen to music that deeply moves you. Reflect on the meaning of the words to you. What is it that evokes emotion within you? Why do you cry or laugh when you hear it? Not sure which song to choose? Here is a suggestion: “I Hope you Dance” by Lee Ann Womack.
4. Remember your first date with your spouse. What did you enjoy the most? What did you laugh about together? Where did you go? Have you ever gone back to that place? What did you talk about? Why did you decide to go on a second date?
5. Go to a card shop. Browse through the aisles and read cards for various people and occasions. Who are the people dearest to you? What are your fondest memories with those people? Have you slowed down enough to truly let them know how much they mean to you?
6. Park near the airport in a place where the planes are visible. Watch them taking off or landing and think about places you have wanted to visit, things you have wanted to see, and people you have wanted to meet. (Hint: this makes a great date too!)
7. Take an art class. I recently had a friend tell me that she had taken an oil painting class. While she does not consider herself an artist and would not classify what she did during the class as “good” in the retail sense of the word, it was an amazing eye-opener for her as to what art can draw forth. She took the class during a difficult time and her emotions came out on the canvass. It enabled her to express herself at a time when this was very difficult.
8. Think about the messages your parents gave you about passion. Was it important in your household? Were you told that you were being silly, or did they open doors to help you discover your passions? How have you incorporated these messages into the way you think now? What are the messages that you send to your children? Are they the messages that you want to be sending?
9. Buy an article of clothing that makes you feel incredible. How does it feel against your skin? What do you love about it – is it the colour, the shape, the fabric, the way you look in it? How does your lover respond when you wear it?
10. Take a moment to think about your spouse’s passion. What have you done to nurture it? Have you actively campaigned against it? Do you even know what his/her passion is? What type of person would your spouse be if he/she was fully living out his/her passions?
[1] P. 19, Wide Awake: The Future is Waiting Within You.
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