Viennese Oyster. The Amazon. The Hammock. The Screw. Reverse Spoon. Lap-dancing Cowgirl. The Snow Plow. The Butterfly Effect. The Rickshaw. The Happy Landing. Yin Yang. The Stick Shift. The Three O’clock Appointment. The Slinky. Rock a Thigh Baby. Deep Impact. The Splitter. The Lazy Dog. Standing Tall. Bend Over Backwards.
What do these terms all have in common? They are all sexual positions.
For centuries men and women have been trying all sorts of positions and giving them interesting names. (In fact the oldest sex manual in the world is the Chinese ‘Handbooks of Sex’ written 5,000 years ago by Emperor Huang-Ti, 2697-2598 B.C.) And yet, despite the wide variety of options that we have imagined, conceived and invented, couples still report their favourites to be:
- Man on top (aka: Missionary Position)
- Woman on top (aka: Cowgirl)
- Rear-entry position (aka: Doggie Style)
Now, there are obvious advantages to these positions. In the doggie style position, the man is able to view the woman from behind which can be very visually stimulating. Women enjoy this position because it allows for deep penetration and g-spot stimulation. In the Cowgirl position, the woman can often control the thrusting as well as receive adequate stimulation to the clitoris (for example, through manual or vibrator stimulation) so that she can have an orgasm. In this position, the man is able to see his partner’s body stretching out above him. And the missionary position is popular for its intimacy as the couple is face to face with a high degree of body contact. Although only about 12% of women report that they can orgasm through this position, they still rank it as a favourite.
And yet, studies show that when couples are trying to inject new life into their sexual intimacy, the first thing they do is try new positions. This experimenting in the bedroom wards off boredom, allows spouses to see each other in a different way (literally and figuratively) and gives them the opportunity to experience new pleasure.
Want to start slowly? How about spicing up your favourite position by adding:
- A mirror (or two) so that your visibility is increased
- Water (try the Cowgirl position in the bathtub, or Doggie style in the shower. NOTE: for water play I strongly recommend a silicon based lubricant
- New lighting (candle light, a softer bulb in the bedside table, all the overhead lights turned on)
- An edible lubricant
When you are ready to move on to new positions, there are numerous books and websites devoted to enlightening people on different positions. Some of my favourites are:
- Dr. Sadie Alison’s Ride ‘Em Cowgirl. Dr. Alison gives detailed information written while maintaining a sense of humour so the reading never gets boring. This book gives a variety of positions including those which are good for the g-spot, pregnancy and those who are overweight.
- Cosmopolitan’s position of the day. This site gives great tips and suggestions and the diagrams detailing the positions are clean-cut. They also give every position a “Carnal Challenge” rating so you know how difficult it will be to try.
- Christian Nymphos. Designed for couples “of faith”, this website offers a weekly position recommendation. While the positions are not illustrated, they are explained quite well.
On a personal note, I found myself really struggling with what direction to take this article. I figured I would ask my husband for his thoughts and get his perspective, so I told him, “Honey, I am having a hard time coming up with an angle for this article on positions.”
There was the briefest look of shock across Eric’s face before he burst out laughing. Usually, we spend our time intentionally making double entendres (it’s part and parcel of the job), but this time, I was so focused on the task at hand that I completely missed it! The laugher was so infectious that it broke my writer’s block!
Who is the most popular man at a nudist colony?
The man who can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.
Wow! Not only is that guy well endowed, but he has a pretty strong erection too! Oftentimes we talk about kegel exercises for women, but overlook the fact that men derive great benefit from doing these exercises as well. As men increase the strength of their PC muscles they will find that it:
- Helps with premature ejaculation
- Increases the intensity of their orgasms
- Increases the strength of their erections
- Helps increase over-all control in the pelvic region
- Increases their odds of having multiple orgasms
Advantages of Kegel exercises: These exercises do not take a lot of time out of your day, and they can be done without anyone noticing that you are doing them. Do them in your car on your commute to work, sitting at your desk at the office or while you are watching TV.
Finding the PC muscle: Go to the bathroom. As you begin to pee, stop the flow of urine. This muscle that you use to halt the urination is your pubococcygeus or PC muscle. (If you want to isolate this muscle to ensure that you are using the correct one, you can insert your finger in your anus. As you flex your PC muscle, the anus will tighten.)
Basic kegel: Once you have identified your PC muscle, you can begin doing kegel exercises. The goal is to squeeze your PC muscles as tight as possible and hold them for 10 seconds. However, when you are starting, hold them for as long as you can and work up to 10 seconds. After each kegel, rest for the same amount of time that you squeezed. For example, if you contracted your muscles for 5 seconds, then rest for 5 seconds. Work up to 10 reps, 3-4 times a day.
- Squeeze and release rapidly for 10 seconds. Rest for 10 seconds. Do 3 sets. Work up to sets of 1 minute each.
- Squeeze and hold. Hold for 2 minutes. Do one set. Work up to 3 sets, resting in between each.
- Squeeze and release your muscles 50 times. Do one set.
You might want to note, however, that just like building your 6-pack takes time, so does building your PC muscles. Work on them daily and you will definitely see an improvement in the next couple months or so. You will reap all the benefits of a strong erection, but won’t have to clean up after sticky donuts!
This past weekend, our family attended a wedding of a dear friend. Since my husband was the master of ceremonies for the reception, we were invited to the all the festivities which lead up to the big event. During the rehearsal dinner at a local restaurant, several of us ended up in the bathroom to have a last minute discussion about sex. Two things might jump out at you about that last statement:
- public bathroom; and
- sex talk.
It just goes to show you that women will talk about sex anywhere! The environment was less than stellar, but I am always willing to work with what is available, and it was a follow-up to a more thorough discussion that the bride and I had had earlier in a much better setting.
As toilets were flushing in the stalls behind us, the bride mentioned the amazing lingerie shower that she had been thrown and all the new items that she was going to get to model for her new hubby. We all laughed that most men won’t even remember what you had on because it ends up in a pile on the floor so quickly! One lady mentioned that she wore an outfit three times before her husband recognized it as part of her wardrobe.
Over the years of marriage, however, we often stop trying so hard to look enticing for our husband. Maybe we gained a little weight and so now we feel self-conscious. Maybe we spend our money on clothes for our kids instead of ourselves. Maybe we are just so tired at the end of the day that we just want to crawl into our favourite sweat pants. Maybe we don’t feel like we deserve to get something that is so flimsy and worn for such a short period of time. Maybe we have just forgotten about how much fun it is to wear something sexy.
Here’s my question for all of you who have been married for a while: When was the last time you donned something special for your spouse? If it has been a while, then what is stopping you? How can you overcome that obstacle?
Need some great ideas?
- Get a lacy bra with matching panties – this is a somewhat practical suggestion as you can wear them all day but still look hot for hubby later!
- Purchase a teddy – if you don’t like the way your stomach looks, this is a very sexy way to cover it up!
- Try some silk or satin – they feel great against your skin!
- Check out this great blog post on crotchless panties
Now, in the words of that great American poet Justin Timberlake, go bring sexy back!!
Last week, I had the privilege of being my daughter’s guest at her school’s annual Spring Tea. In her class, there is a mix of 3, 4 and 5 year-olds and they had all been busy for weeks making the preparations to serve their parents at this special event. As the parents waited in the hall outside the classroom, the children came out one at a time to speak to their parent and say, “Welcome to our Spring Tea. Won’t you come in?” The little girls finished their request with a curtsy and the boys bowed. We were then escorted to our assigned tables, complete with place cards. The theme of the tea was Mexico, so once everyone was seated, the children served us lemonade, chips and hot sauce, and quesadillas. It was incredibly sweet to see them so very excited, and yet behaving like proper little hosts and hostesses as they fulfilled all their duties.
After we had our goodies served to us, the children when to the front of the classroom and sang to us (mostly in Spanish) for about 10 minutes. Cameras flashed and video recorders whirled as all the parents attempted to capture this performance for posterity. My favourite song was called “Four Hugs a Day”. They introduced it in Spanish, but not speaking the language myself, I didn’t have a clue what it was. I was fortunate because after the first verse in Spanish, they sang it in English. And here is how it goes:
“Four hugs a day, that’s the minimum.
Four hugs a day, NOT the maximum.
Step One: Look them right in the eye
Step Two: Face to face
Step Three: Reach out your arms
Step Four: You can’t do any harm with
Four hugs a day, that’s the minimum.
Four hugs a day, NOT the maximum.”
Needless to say, all the parents beamed with pride. How can you NOT hug your kid after a performance like that??!!
But evidently, the theme of Four a Day doesn’t seem limited to school Spring Teas!
If you follow me on Twitter, then you might have seen me retweet some things from @hismilkmaid (her Twitter name). One of her posts was on a study out of England that I thought was really interesting. Recently the UK newspaper, The Telegraph, reported that a new study has come out which says that couples who kiss four times a day are more likely to stay married. (if you want to read the article you can, here.) In fact, if you want the whole prescription for success according to the study, it’s:
- kissing 4 times a day
- having sex 2-3 times a week
- staying in touch during the day (by phone, email, text, etc.)
- enjoying two romantic meals out each month
- spending three nights of the week cuddling on the sofa together and
- getting away for a couple of romantic weekends each year
- one annual foreign holiday
These activities shore up the foundation of your relationship and helps ward off divorce. I made special note of the “annual foreign holiday” to my husband, who smiled and said, “I guess we’ll have to take our chances” and winked. Oh well, even if I don’t get a yearly trip to someplace exotic the rest of these really are great ideas for couples.
So in light of this study, here are my coaching tips for the day:
- Kiss on your wife or husband today (yes, four times!). Try a couple warm kisses and a couple deep kisses (remember what those are??). Why not throw in a couple of extra little kisses on the top of their head as you walk by them.
- Send an email or text (their preferred method) telling them how much they mean to you.
- Be intentionally intimate with your lover – have sex tonight!
- Plan a romantic dinner with your lover. Go out to a nice restaurant or stay home and make a romantic dinner right there in your own home – you could picnic on your bed for instance.
And for those wanting more than something that can be done today:
- Start saving for and booking a getaway night or weekend for the two of you. Send the kids to relatives, do a kid-swap with friends (they take your kids one weekend and you take theirs another weekend), hire a young married couple to come for the weekend to babysit. Get creative and get it done!
And lastly, with apologies to my daughter’s pre-school class, and sing with me…
“Four kisses a day, that’s the minimum.
Four kisses a day, NOT the maximum.
Step One: Look them right in the eye
Step Two: Face to face
Step Three: Pucker up your lips
Step Four: You can’t do any harm with
Four kisses a day, that’s the minimum.
Four kisses a day, NOT the maximum.”
On March 15th, Marriage Uncensored with Dave and Christie asked me to come on the show and talk to them about my role as Canada’s Passion Coach. They wanted the discussion to revolve around the kind of questions that I get asked “behind closed doors” by women and men. The episode is only 24 minutes long (half-hour show) but we cover a lot of ground! You can watch the entire show here. Hope you enjoy!
My partner is 75 years old and he has not had regular sex for quite a few years. He is having a problem having a strong erection and gets frustrated easily by this even though I do not put pressure on him to perform. I love him and would like to have a strong sex life but I am unsure of what to do to get him feeling more comfortable. Is there any age where men or women feel that sex is not part of there lives anymore?
The issue that you are experiencing is very common. As men age, they have increased difficulties with having and maintaining an erection. This is obviously an issue as we are having sex later and later in life. In my years as a Passion Coach, I have never met someone who was too old to have sex! The logistics may be a bit more complicated than when we were younger, but the interest and desire for intimacy is still there!
Allow me to give you a few suggestions that you and your partner can try together. First, if he is able to achieve erection, then you could use a “C-Ring” to help him maintain the erection. This item is a stretchy ring, usually made from silicone, which is placed around the base of the penis once it is erect. As the blood flow into the penis is restricted, it stays erect for longer. They are sometimes sold at drug stores or your can order them online. Here is a link to a company which sells C-Rings. You can order them in the privacy of your own home and they are delivered in plain packaging for your privacy and confidentiality.
For a complete explanation of how to put them on, how long to use them, etc., please visit this link.
A second suggestion is for your partner to visit his doctor. In these situations, doctors often prescribe a drug such as Viagra which can help men experience and maintain erection. This can be a very satisfying solution for couples.
Finally, allow me to speak to your comment about not wanting to put pressure on your partner. As I am sure you are aware, sometimes this issue is very difficult for men to talk about. A lot of their masculinity is tied up in their ability to “perform” and when this is waning, it can strike deep at the core of their identity. For tips on how to how to talk about this subject, this link has some excellent information: http://www.allabouted.com/english/relationships/partner.html.
Thank you for writing in to us. If you have any other questions, or just want to comment, I would love to hear from you again!
Eryn-Faye, Passion Coach
My husband and I have really nothing but positive things to say about Eryn-Faye.
Ever since we communicated with her, we have found that we experience more pleasure during intercourse. It also adds an element of excitement to know that your husband is thoroughly enjoying himself.
Her expertise, non-nonsense coaching and support allows me to relax and know that I will experience intercourse without any discomfort. Going to Eryn-Faye and even just talking with her is well worth it!
~ New Mother
My question is how to handle a co-dependent relationship issue.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half and my boyfriend won’t let me keep anything at his place or introduce me to his parents. Exceptions are toothbrush, toothpaste and shampoo. This took almost a year before I was permitted to leave these basic items at his home.
To say my boyfriend is territorial and defensive is an understatement.
My boyfriend says that he is protecting his mother and has had negative experiences in the past and does not want to cause her anymore stress from relationships that could possibly fail.
Furthermore, my boyfriend has asked me to marry him during sex and then afterwards, once back to reality, he changes his mind. He says that saying things like “he wants to marry me” heightens his sexual experience and that I take things too seriously. I am beginning to resent his lack of empathy for my feelings.
I love many things about my boyfriend and am perplexed in how to address these issues without causing a big argument.
I feel disposable in the relationship when my boyfriend treats me this way.
I have tried to address these issues with him and am at my wits end….
Suggestions are more than welcome…
Let me begin by saying that my heart goes out to you right now. I can understand that you are frustrated and need some outside insight on your situation!
In my practice, I often speak with couples about the three “C’s” – commitment, communication, and consummation (aka sex). These elements provide the foundation for a healthy, long-lasting relationship. If you are weak or lacking in one or more areas, then the entirety of your relationship is in jeopardy.
Commitment is the element which binds the couple together through thick and thin. It is not only the decision that “I am with this person”, but also the decision to make healthy sacrifices for your partner because you recognize their individual value. As we deepen our commitment, we realize that our own selfishness is a hindrance to our relationship and with it we will not grow as a couple. The tricky part about commitment is that both parties have to be on board. If one partner is constantly sacrificing for the other out of fear of making the other partner mad, or starting a huge fight, or being left by their partner, then there is a breakdown in the whole system.
Communication is the freedom to express what we are feeling and thinking with our partner without the fear of retribution. It is how we let that person really get to know who we are – our likes and dislikes, why we react a certain way, what our dreams are for our lives. It is also the way we do check-ups on our relationship – are we meeting each other’s needs, are we showing love to our partner in a manner that they understand, how can we work to correct the issue that we are facing together in our relationship.
Your boyfriend’s lack of desire or willingness to fully incorporate you into his life and his blatant lack of regard for your feelings lead me to think that he is not willing to develop the commitment or communication part of your relationship. I was horrified by his explanation for saying he wants to marry you during sex as just to “heighten his sexual experience.” (By the way, I did mention this situation to a few of my male colleagues, just to get a male perspective on your boyfriend, and they were all equally as horrified.) The general consensus was that his actions and comments do not reflect someone who is interested in a healthy relationship.
I am also concerned that you might be struggling with some underlining self-esteem issues which are the source of why you allow your boyfriend to treat you in such a manner. A counselor will help you understand your worth as a person, break patterns that you might have which lead you into unhealthy relationships, and shed light on ways that you can develop healthy relationships with people who value and respect you.
I realize that this is “messy” and maybe it is not what you wanted to hear from me. However, I would love to be here for you as you walk through these issues, and I welcome any further questions that you have. Please feel free to write back at any time!
Eryn-Faye, Passion Coach