The Greatest Gift

When was the last time you told your children how much you love your spouse?

That’s right.

When was the last time you looked your kids in the eyes and said, “I am so in love with your Dad [or Mom]“?

Are you terrified that they will feel unloved? Are you nervous that they will fall over themselves and say, “Ahhhh, that’s gross!!” Would they be totally confused? What holds you back?

Recently, I had to explain the concept of divorce to my daughter. Our goddaughter is part of a blended family, and so when my daughter asked some probing questions about them, I decided to answer honestly (but with brevity since she is only five). Many of Riley’s schoolmates come from single-parent households, but this was the first time she connected the dots with someone who is really close to our family.

The sadness that Riley felt was palpable. She didn’t understand how two people could marry and then divorce. It was incomprehensible to her that you would not live with the father of your child. In fact, she was so disturbed by the concept that she had another heart-to-heart with her teacher that day at school. I wish we were all so disturbed by divorce. The impact on a family is truly nothing less than devastating.

Kids live with the fear that their mom and dad will split up. This is understandable. They see it on TV (in one of Riley’s favourite shows, the dad is conspicuously absent). It is happening to their friends all around them. Why wouldn’t they wonder if they are next?

I believe that one of the greatest gifts you can give your kids is love for your spouse. Your marital happiness is the foundation of your family unit. And your kids need to hear about it. They need to know that you go on dates because your relationship with each other is precious. They need to see you flirt and cuddle and laugh. They need to hear that you love each other.

I don’t care if you are on your first, second or third marriage…if you are committed to making it work, then talk about how much you love your spouse around your kids.

“Riley, I love your Daddy.”

“Yeah, I know Mom. You tell me that all the time.”

Perhaps she will appreciate it more when she marries. Until then, I will have to keep modeling it for her.

Power Play - A Guest Q&A

In my line of work, I see couples who have all sorts of tastes and proclivities in their sex lives. They run from “plain vanilla” to the downright exotic. As a die-hard marriage enthusiast, my main objective in working with these couples is to ensure that their communication skills about their sex life get better and better with each passing year, and that they are able to meet each other’s needs, desires and secret fantasies in a way which builds strength into the marriage rather than weakening it. Regardless of what the couple engages in privately, I believe that respect, trust and genuine care for each other are essential for a sex life to thrive.

In this guest post, I have decided to give you a look into the lives of a couple who tend more to the exotic end of the scale. A simple anonymous Q&A seemed like the best way to convey the information.  When this couple first came to me, they were secretly battling a sexless marriage. Finding the ways to even broach the subject of sex was a chore. Years later, they have found their stride in an area of sexuality which is still incredibly taboo.

Let’s start with the basics - a simple explanation.  What is “power play” in the bedroom?
He said:

Power play in the bedroom is not about blowing off steam or venting a day’s frustrations. It’s about pleasuring my wife by dominating her physically and sexually, but not emotionally or mentally.

For us, it’s an escape, a fantasy world- like dressing up as pirates or policemen. Because heavy-handed domination isn’t part of our daily relationship, it’s a creative way for us to escape sexually.

She said:

Power play is, for me, a welcome escape from being a wife and mother.  Instead of being the responsible one, I get to surrender all control and just enjoy my husband and some rocking sex.  It’s really refreshing.  I suspect that a lot of women who enjoy this type of play are strong and competent in everyday life. Isn’t that what a fantasy is, escaping by pretending to be someone you aren’t?

This isn’t the only kind of sex we enjoy- it’s just one more way that we can experience intimacy, one more option to choose from.  Sometimes we have very tender sex.

There is so much respect in this- you have to understand that the thought of being humiliated is not sexy, and my husband would never do that.  He would never say horrid things to me, even as part of a fantasy.  But for me being physically dominated by my husband is totally safe, and actually comforting- it took a lot of courage for him to spank me the first time, there had to be trust both ways.  I don’t think that we could enjoy this kind of play if there wasn’t deep trust already established.

So what made you try this?

He said:

I was actually quite surprised to discover my wife had domination fantasies. She’s always been a very dominant woman- not specifically with regard to sex, but in the rest of our life. We really do run our marriage relationship on pretty equal grounds, and while we both have our areas of responsibility where we tend to control things, overall we work together as equals. Finding out she really got off on being tied down or handled a bit roughly really marked a significant place in our sexual relationship.

I was raised to thoroughly respect women, and of course once I was married, that meant being respectful in bed as well. Proper foreplay, ensuring my wife’s pleasure before mine, and never “using” her for my own satisfaction were all part of that respect. Oh, she’d sometimes tell me to just get my sex on and not worry about her, but I never was comfortable actually doing so. But once I began to understand (with her help) that what really turned her was not particularly the act of “taking her”, but more the excitement she got from being dominated by me, I was able to relax about the whole thing and really get into it.

What really opened up this whole aspect of our sexuality for us was when we read Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty novels together. We never actually made it through the whole series, but it was enough to make my wife sit up and say “That’s what turns my crank!” It took a while before I was able to adjust my own attitudes enough to be comfortable turning her over my knees and spanking her till she was bright red, but it certainly helped, seeing how much being dominated really fired her up! It definitely makes adjustment easier when there’s such a positive and immediate return for the effort.

She said:

Reading those stories was a huge step out of our comfort zone, and something that not all couples will be comfortable with.  But realising that there are a lot of ways that couples can express their sexuality got us talking about what turned us on, got us open to experimenting more.  And it’s an ongoing conversation.  We love road trips, because we can talk in total privacy for the whole time!

We experimented a tiny bit at a time- we certainly didn’t just jump in at the deep end with restraints and a flogger.  Every once in a while, something new gets tried, either after a conversation we’ve had, or sometimes I think it’s just instinct.

Do you have any advice for other couples?

He said:

Stepping out of your comfort zone sexually requires a huge amount of trust, we’ve mentioned before. If you feel that there is a lack of trust between you and your spouse, you should really work to correct that before experimenting with something new or potentially dangerous. Power play can easily become abuse unless you both know exactly where your partner is emotionally, and that’s the last thing you want in a relationship.

She said:

Talk about what interests you.  Work to create a safe atmosphere in the bedroom and experiment.  Be sure to let each other know what you like and don’t like.  Start small.  If power play piques your interest, try playing with restraints or a blindfold.

He said:

I’d also add that once you’ve talked about it, don’t go crazy and buy a huge pile of ‘gadgets’. Experiment with what you have around the house- use a necktie for a blindfold (the silk is very sensual); use a bathrobe tie as a restraint; use an old, soft leather belt as a flogger. Once you know what you both really like, it’s well worth it to invest in some commercial toys that will really enhance your play together. Some of the things we’ve found fun are nipple clamps, a nice flogger with lots of tiny strands (adds more sensation than a belt or paddle-style flogger while actually being gentler), silky ropes (you can buy special ones that attach to your bed, but we just bought a few metres of soft rope from the fabric supply store), and of course a blindfold is a staple in power play. Many couples also enjoy costuming that enhances the power disparity- examples would include the French Maid and Secretary outfits for women, and if it’s the guy who’s being submissive, there’s the popular Handyman and Pool Boy fantasies. Whatever your choice, remember, it’s about mutual fun and pleasure.

So have a blast, and play safe!

Sexual Intimacy Disrupted by Cancer

This article, in its entirety, can be found at dukehealth.org published by Duke Medicine News and Communications.

Cancer often leads to significant and long-term disruption in sexual function and intimacy, regardless of the type of cancer or how far along the patient is in the treatment plan, according to a new study from Duke Clinical Research Institute (DCRI) appearing in the journal Psycho-Oncology.

“We discovered that having cancer — any kind of cancer — can alter a patient’s sex life,” said Kathryn Flynn, PhD, an assistant professor at the DCRI and the first author of the study. Researchers found that in some patients problems persisted long after treatment was over.

But researchers also found that changes in sexual function were not necessarily correlated with a decline in sexual satisfaction. “That’s an important distinction we feel needs to be recognized by researchers who are working on better ways to measure quality of life among people with cancer,” Flynn added.

Both men and women reported that loss of sexual desire was a problem. And while some patients in post-treatment groups reported that that sexual desire had returned, it never did for others.

Flynn says that one of the most interesting findings that may improve how sexual function is measured came from participants’ revelations about the complex relationships between sexual function and intimacy and satisfaction with their sex life.

Their experiences tended to fall into one of four categories:

• Intimacy declined when sexual activity declined. Men and women both reported feeling isolated and sometimes pushing a partner away when sexual intercourse was not possible.
• Intimacy became an alternative to sexual activity. Some participants found that emotional intimacy was an acceptable substitute for sexual activity and were satisfied with the closeness it brought about.
• Intimacy became sexual activity. A minority of participants redefined sex so that the activities they could participate in (e.g., holding hands) were what they considered their sex life.
• Increased intimacy led to improvement in sexual activity. A number of patients let changes in sexual function provide an opportunity to find additional means of sexual expression that actually expanded their pleasure with each other.

“There is no doubt that sexual function and intimacy are important aspects of quality of life for people with cancer and their partners,” says Flynn.

While I could not agree more with what Dr. Flynn says, I would go further and say that sexual function and intimacy are important aspects of quality of life for people and their partners period.  I have written many times on the topic of intimacy and what it entails and yet there is so much more to be said on it.  We’ve done a couple of polls already this year on intimacy - How Do You Practice Intimacy Outside the Bedroom as well as asking the question, What’s Your Biggest Roadblock to Sexual Intimacy?  But these four points that come from a study of cancer patients and survivors really put a fine point on the importance of intimacy.  I had the privilege of speaking to a group of women who call themselves Thrivers - not just surviving cancer, but thriving through it!  Their experiences and stories moved me deeply.  Later this week I will share with you some of the perspectives that they taught me.  Read it here!

In the meantime, give yourself a check up - ask yourself, “how’s my intimacy level with my lover?”

What your sex life can learn from the Olympics

Last weekend Eric and I had our kid-free weekend. (We swap weekends with another couple so that every other month, we get a weekend alone. I highly recommend it!) This month’s question: What do you do when your child is taken care of? Go to the Olympics, of course!!

There are a dozen things I could share with you about my Olympic experience that you can apply to your sex life. The aerials alone should make you stop and pause. But here is the thing that struck me the most profoundly: the efficiency.

Everywhere we went, Olympic committee had thought ahead and anticipated the questions that people would ask and the things they would need. Trying to get to the flame? People were stationed in life-guard towers at every corner giving directions so that the crowds moved along quickly and without confusion. Not sure how this long line translates into actual waiting minutes? There was someone there to tell you. Turns out that line that looks like half an hour long is only ten minutes. Who knew!? Got someone trying to budge in line and pretending they are just lost? A security person would magically appear and graciously point them to the end of the line.

In essence, they had simplified the process. Considering the glut of people who had descended on the city and the chaos that could have ensued, people where happy and cheerful because (even when they were squashed like sardines on the Skytrain) their needs had been anticipated and met.

Often in long term relationships, we allow the swell of the details in our life to derail our intimacy with our lovers. In the clutter and chaos, our time together dissolves into two tired people zoning out to a TV show. But what if we could anticipate our spouse’s needs and then streamline our life so they are better met? Sex doesn’t just magically happen once you have been married for a few years. You have to clear things out of the way for it to happen.

What do you need to simplify in your life so that sex is more possible? What do you need to eliminate, delegate or ask for help on so that it can happen? What needs does your spouse have that you need to anticipate and meet? What systems are you going to put in place to make that possible?

Sitting with a bull-horn on a life-guard stand is probably not the solution, but you get the idea!  Share some of your ideas!

What’s your biggest roadblock to sexual intimacy?

How do you practice intimacy outside the bedroom?

Relational Eroticism Part 2

I am not a history teacher by any means, but I have heard the comment that those who do not study the past are destined to repeat it.  I understood that statement to be an indictment on ignorance, and I have never wanted to be ignorant.  So, in order to “study the past” I became a student of it, mostly by watching the History Channel and Mel Gibson movies every now and again.  And one of my, now less so, guarded secrets is that I love watching the History Channel.  I was watching it the other day when my husband walked in.  He stared at the screen for a moment and saw men dressed up in medieval armor and turned and looked at me…waiting for some explanation as to why I was watching historical battles reenacted. I didn’t really have one other than a meek, “there wasn’t anything else on.”  But the truth is that I found it fascinating.

I love the names we have given to periods of time in history:  “The Dark Ages”, “The Renaissance”, “The Age of Enlightenment”…these all sound so romantic.  It’s way better than simply saying, “I grew up in the 70’s!  Best I have is “The Age of Bellbottoms and Awful Moustaches”, and that doesn’t roll off the tongue.

Just like looking back at pictures from the 1970’s and wondering how on earth our parents could have thought those clothes were fashionable in any way, when we look back on other ages in history it is always interesting to see what odd and even ignorant perceptions and paradigms people held so dear to themselves.

For instance, look at the so-called “Middle Ages” or “Dark Ages” for instance.  It was not until hundreds of years later that scholars began to use those terms for it, and it quickly took on a derogatory meaning.  It became a way to sum up that section of time by focusing on what was deemed to be “wrong with it.”  For a while it was called the “Age of Faith” because religion reigned supreme in the culture. Later, when this was deemed to be inappropriate because it is in direct conflict with the subsequent deification of intellect and man, scholars began referring to that period of history as “barbaric” and “priest-ridden”, and spoke of “these dark times”, “the centuries of ignorance”, and “the uncouth centuries”.

By the same token, these same scholars began calling their own time the “Age of Enlightenment.”  Thanks to the great oracle Google, I can tell you that, The Age of Enlightenment (or simply the Enlightenment) is a term used to describe a time in Western philosophy and cultural life, in which reason was advocated as the primary source and legitimacy for authority.  In fact, during this time reason was held to be the primary value of society.  Reason was prized above authority, intuition, emotion, mysticism, superstition, and faith.

Why am I forcing you into my private interest in history?  Because there are things we can learn from the past.  In fact, our current culture is shaped, in many ways, by cultural past. Studies have been done that show as much as 90% of our beliefs are secondary - meaning, that we either heard or read it, but did not personally experience it, and yet we believe it to be true. So when we hear “Dark Ages” we believe those times to be “bad” and when we hear “Enlightenment” we believe those times to be “good”.  What follows from that are logical conclusions that we should do like those who were “enlightened” and not be like those who were “ignorant”.   The pendulum has swung fully from a time where mysticism and faith (belief in that which cannot be seen or explained) were revered to a place where reason and understanding reign supreme.  Anything that cannot be fully known, understood, and explained in minute detail is not to be trusted.

The problem with this, like with any over-reaction, is that we have thrown the proverbial baby out with the bathwater.  Believe me, I too love to know and understand things.  When my husband is telling me something, I often serenade him with a chorus us “details, details…I WANT DETAILS!!!”  Seriously, I really do sing this to him.  It’s cute when I do it.  Seriously.

Anyway, the point here is that I am like everyone else when it comes to knowing things.  I want to know.  I need to know.  It’s my God-given right to know!  And therefore I tend to not trust things that I do not really understand.

This same philosophy has wormed its way into our belief about relationships.  I cannot tell you how many people have told me that they “deserve to know” every detail of their lover’s past and present in every area of their life.  And if they don’t know every detail, then they assume that things are being hidden and if things are being hidden then they must be bad or they wouldn’t hide them, and if they hide things then they don’t trust them, and if they don’t trust them then they cannot truly love them…and round and round the circle goes - each link in the chain assuming more and more negative qualities and it will become a major block in a relationship (if not a causal link to it failing).  Somehow in marriage we have come to the point where we actively and intentionally strive to eliminate all mystery.  We lose tolerance for a spouse who loads the dishwasher differently than we do - we don’t even bother to see why they do it a different way, we just know that our way is better.  We lose all tolerance for ambiguity - everything has to be nice and predictable.  Orderly.  Able to be quantified and classified.  Simple and easy to explain and understand.

The problem with this banal perspective is that it is, well, boring.  And aside from boring, it by definition extinguishes any erotic life from marriage.  Eroticism thrives in an atmosphere of mystery.  It allows for, and even encourages, spontaneity.  It provides fodder for our powerful imaginations to re-engage in the area of sex.   We regain a sense of wonder about sex.

I love the wording of that phrase: sense of wonder.  The very word bestows us with permission to not know.  To wonder is to not be sure - to not know.  And yet, one of the things we revere about children is their unadulterated sense of wonder - their amazing ability to simply look at things in awe without the overwhelming desire to understand it all.  They can take things at face value and appreciate them for what they are on the surface.  Faith comes easy to them.

We as adults, on the other hand, almost pride ourselves on our cynicism.  No one will take advantage of us.  We have ubiquitous sayings that permeate our sub-conscious like, “fool me once, shame on you - fool me twice, shame on me” or “if it seems too good to be true, then it is” or “I’m from Missouri, SHOW ME.”  We require proof.  In many ways we still cling to the pendulum that swung so far.

This is because, in North America, our thinking has been so radically impacted by the Age of Enlightenment. We can rationalize and explain virtually everything in our world. Intellectual discourse is high on our list of values. If I can explain things more articulately than you then I win the debate. We put very little value on mystery, on that which cannot be explained. Even our “mystery” shows on TV - CSI and Bones among others - are tied up neatly with a bow at the end of the episode. Shows which refuse to explain every little nuance - the show Lost comes to mind - drive us insane. (Why can’t they just tell us what is up with that island anyways?!)

And so it is with our relationships. Can’t communicate well? Head to your local bookstore and look through the thousands of self-help books. Or even better, flip on Dr. Phil - he will give you an answer. Can’t sustain an erection? Go to the doctor and get a prescription of Viagra or Cialis filled. If that doesn’t work, you can research penis implant surgery.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I am not saying that diligently seeking solutions to life’s problems is wrong. Au contraire - I wholeheartedly advocate being solution-oriented. And yet, there are times when we cannot find answers. Times when the prescription medication he is taking to keep him alive has devastating side effects on his libido and despite all the things you have tried, nothing can take away the ache that he doesn’t pursue you like he once did. Times where even though she has never had an orgasm with you, she finally confesses that she cannot live like this any more. Even though you have tried and tried, nothing is working and your fear that she will leave is escalating with each failed attempt.

In these moments, do we stop looking for solutions? No.

Rather we have to act like the love illegitimate love child of Mulder and Scully from the X-Files.  While looking for answers, we have to simultaneously learn to embrace the ambiguity of mystery. We choose to learn from the very fact that we do not know the answers. Contrary to everything our culture teaches us, we realize that we can grow from not knowing. We choose to see this mystery box as something that will weave richness into our life’s story rather than an inconvenience that needs to be immediately eradicated.

Richard Rohr calls this place “liminal space.” He says, “It is when you have left the “tried and true” but have not yet been able to replace it with anything else… It is when you are in between your old comfort zone and any possible new answer. It is no fun.”

No, it is not fun. However, if we can survive liminal space without bailing out too early for cheap and easy answers, we reap incredibly rich rewards: we become adept at dealing with anxiety, living with ambiguity, and stoking the flames of eroticism.

You thought I had forgotten about eroticism. Trust me…I’m getting there, but we have to build the foundation first. Next week: Exploring the Mystery of the Erotic or The Truth Erotic is Out There…

Relational Eroticism

One of the most profound talks I have ever seen took place when JJ Abrams spoke at the TED Conference. If you are not yet familiar with TED, you really should be. It is a conference held each year on topics which relate to Technology, Entertainment and Design. Experts from all around the world are invited to speak about their field of study in 18 minutes or less. God himself would only be allotted 18 minutes to speak at TED. And while it costs about $6,000 to buy a ticket to the conference - if you can get one at all - you can watch the talks online for free.

Back in March 2007, JJ Abrams spoke on mystery. When he was a young boy, his grandfather was the instrumental person in his life that encouraged both his love of mysteries and as well as his exploration into how things work. One of his grandfather’s gifts to him was a box of magic tricks advertised to have $50 worth of magic for only $15. Abrams has carried that box around with him for years, never opening it, as a reminder of his grandfather and the wonder of what the box might actually hold. As long as he keeps it closed, there is mystery. Abrams contends that “Mystery is the catalyst for imagination” and “there are times when mystery is more important than knowledge.”

If you want to watch his TED talk in its entire 18 minutes, click here - JJ Abrams - Magic Box .

The reason, he continues, that mystery trumps knowledge is that we crave “mystery boxes” in our stories. They are the lifeblood of entertainment.   Take Star Wars for example:

You got the droids; they meet the mysterious woman. Who’s that? We don’t know. Mystery box! Then you meet Luke Skywalker. He gets the droids, you see the holographic image. You learn, Oh, it’s a message. She wants to, you know, find Obi Wan Kenobi. He’s her only hope. But who’s Obi Wan Kenobi? Mystery box!  So he goes to Old Ben Kenobi and it turns out he is Obi Wan Kenobi and he knew Luke’s father.  But who is Luke’s father?  Mystery box!

It is these mystery boxes which draw us into the story. They stimulate our imagination. They are the great unknown. They bond us to the characters. They are the twists and turns which we do not expect but utterly delight us. That is our attitude…at least when they are happening on screen.

But what happens when we encounter mystery boxes in our own lives? Typically, we get very annoyed. They are inconvenient. They deter us from easy and fun things in our lives. They don’t fit into our neat and tidy version of a picture-perfect life.

However, if we were to translate our lives into a movie script, they would look like this:

• My 13 month old daughter was just diagnosed with a potentially life-threatening illness. We don’t know what is coming next. Mystery box.
• There is a world-wide economic downturn. How are we going to make it financially? Mystery box.
• My husband has just been put on anti-depressants which are killing his libido. How do we manage that? Mystery box.

In our personal lives, we want to - in fact we demand to - rip open the mystery box to see what is inside. The very circumstances that would make our life’s story a block-buster hit on screen are what we want to immediately eradicate. We want all the answers right here, right now. But the irony of the mystery box is that once you rip it open, all the possibilities are gone. Suddenly the anticipation of $50 worth of magic is replaced by the fact that you actually only got a bunch of cheap tricks.

And yet, if you are going to experience eroticism in your relationship, you are going to have to endure a bit of mystery.

How on earth do eroticism and mystery have anything to do with each other?

They have everything to do with each other. Think about it - when did you have the most passion and eroticism with your lover? I would put money on the earlier days of your relationship. Those were the days when we would kiss for hours; we would talk until 4 in the morning; we could not wait to get a phone call during the day from each other. To quote the band, The Police, it was the period in our relationship when “Every little thing she does is magic.”

Ironically, those were also the days when we knew very little about each other. Our hunger to become more knowledgeable of each other drove our passions. The very mystery of this new person sparked eroticism. But as we began to understand each other, as we began to grow deeper in love, and as we melded our worlds together, the eroticism faded.

In his book The Kosher Sutra, Shmuley Boteach describes it as such: “[Eroticism] is much like a secret that you long to hear. As soon as its contents are revealed, it has ceased to be a secret and in the process it has ceased to be interesting or erotic.”

If I had to wager a guess right now, I would bet that you have a lot of knowledge about your spouse but not a lot of mystery. I would further guess that you miss the passion that you once had in your relationship. Those two circumstances are intrinsically entwined.

So how do we nurture a relationship of intimacy over decades with our spouse and still experience mystery?

This is the topic I am going to be discussing over my next few blogs. Together, we will explore how the Age of Enlightenment and the accompanying deification of reason threatens to destroy the passion in our relationships. We will look at the annoyances of dealing with ambiguity and the importance of seeing our lovers through fresh eyes. We will brainstorm about ways to increase the erotic in our marriages. And somewhere, in the midst of all of this, I hope that we will begin once again feel the flames of passion. Perhaps we will even want to rip the clothes off of our lovers once again. Stay tuned.

Anal Sex in Marriage - A Guest Post

It’s a beautiful evening and the kids are gone to grandma’s house.  There is a fire in the fireplace, the candles are lit, and the music is low and sultry.  You are kissing and fondling and things are quickly moving to the next level when you feel your husband’s fingers at the entrance of the forbidden zone!  Oh no, wait, that isn’t his finger at all!  As this realization hits your face, your wonderful soul-mate husband of many years leans over and whispers in your ear…”feeling adventurous?”

Ever happened to you?  Well, this scenario (with various different changes) is played out in marital beds all over.  I’ve had women to ask me why in the world their husband seems so infatuated with their bottom.  To me the answer is pretty simple.  Men get sexual gratification from sticking their member into small damp holes.  Once a man and woman are married, their bodies belong to each other.  Of course it’s only natural for a husband to think of all the places he can go with it.  The three holes that are large enough to accommodate a penis are the mouth, vagina, and anus.  A simple, mildly blunt explanation as to why a husband may be intrigued or interested in anal sex.

It would be unfair though; to say that husbands are the only ones interested in back door play.  Many women are also curious about this ‘taboo’ subject.  In my own marriage, I have always been the aggressor when it comes to anal play/sex.  I had experimented myself during some alone time and found that there really are some nerve endings at the entrance of the anus that feel so pleasurable when stimulated!  I told my husband about it and asked if he minded using a finger there from time to time during intercourse.  The results were mind-blowing orgasms that made me melt and made him feel pretty good too!

So… how does a couple know if it’s really okay to try anal sex?  I firmly believe that a married couple should feel free to try almost anything they want to in their own marriage bed.  I draw the line at involving a third party, which includes other people physically and also pornography (this could be a whole other article in itself).  A healthy marriage is between the husband, wife, and God.  I also draw the line with sex acts that will hurt or demean one of you.  If you are involved in an act that makes you feel humiliated or degraded, then that act is unhealthy for your marriage.  That is a gateway for resentment to set in.

Anal sex can be very pleasurable for some women.  (Notice I said some and not all.)  We hear about orgasms that start from the clitoris or from the G-spot, but there are many women out there who swear that they have had orgasms originating from their anus.  I believe them because it’s happened to me as well.  But for all the women who claim to love anal sex, there seem to be just as many who don’t like it at all.  For some women it seems degrading and for others it’s uncomfortable or just down right painful.  Communication is so important here.  If you are curious about it, then TALK to your spouse!  Ask them how they feel about trying some anal play.  Find out if he/she is uncomfortable with the idea.  Discuss any concerns openly with each other.  There are some possible medical issues that could result from participating in anal sex, including infection and damage to the rectum, so it would be wise to research this together before deciding on trying it. If you find that your concerns and uneasiness outweigh the curiosity and eagerness, then you probably need to stop and back up a bit.  If you and your spouse have researched this topic and feel like it is something you’d like to try together, then here are a few things to keep in mind.

• You need to start small with a pinky finger or similar sized toy and gradually work your way up to the size of the husband’s penis.  You may find that you can’t accommodate your husband’s penis but you do like the feel of his index finger.
• STOP if you get to something that hurts. DO NOT try to “push past the pain.”  If there is pain it’s there for a reason and should be taken as a warning.  You are looking for sexual pleasure, not something that hurts you.
• There is no such thing as too much lube. Use copious amounts of it, all over you and your husband.  Use the amount you think you’ll need, and then add some more.
• Go slow and let her be in charge. Let her choose the position that she likes and allow her to set the pace.  It may take several minutes for her to be able to handle the full monty, so be patient and wait until she is ready for more.  Short, slow strokes are best to start off with.

You may wonder how in the world anal sex can deepen intimacy in marriage.  Over the last few years I’ve heard many stories of this, including one woman who wrote to me explaining how she had been sexually active with several other men before marrying her husband.  In her marriage, anal sex was a very intimate and bonding act for the simple reason that she had never had anal sex with any other man.  Her promiscuous past included vaginal sex with other men, but they both knew that the only man she had ever had anal intercourse with was her husband.  Thus, it became a very intimate act between them.

Like all other sex acts, this is a decision that is left up to each individual couple.  Anal sex isn’t for everyone.  It’s not the be-all end-all sex act.  It’s simply one out of hundreds of things that a married couple should feel free to try, if they both want to.  If both of you aren’t on the same page about it, then choose another book.  It shouldn’t be a divisive issue.  So communicate, research, and make a decision together.  And above all, have fun!

Cumingirl is a devoted wife and full time mom of two living in the USA.  She is one of the co-creators of www.christiannymphos.org.  Their website is considered by many to be groundbreaking in its ability to intertwine sex and the Christian faith.  The site was launched as a way to teach married women to walk in sexual freedom with their husbands.

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