The Sexual Cycle

A friend of mine from Texas once told me that when her husband asks if she wants to have sex, she will often respond by saying to him, “I don’t know. Why don’t you kiss me and we will find out?”

Whether or not she knew it, she was reflecting what new research is telling us about the sexual cycle. Because of what we see on TV and in Hollywood and maybe even reflected in the lives of those around us, most of us believe that it looks like this:

And for many people - 50% of people in fact - this is the case. They realize that they want sex, which then promotes thoughts and actions which lead to arousal, which leads to a sexual encounter.

However, studies now tell us that this only represents half of the population. What about the other 50%?? The cycle actually looks like this to them:

They actually have to get in the mood and feel the physiological changes of arousal before it will click in their heads that they desire sex. They usually have a great time having sex once they get started, they just start a bit differently.

This is great news for couples who experience a “desire gap” in their marriages. One spouse (the High Desire Spouse - HDS) wants more sex than the other (the Low Desire Spouse - LDS).  As I mentioned in my article, Oh, Me So Horny, the one commonality in these relationships is the LDS gets to set the pace - they have veto power on sex in their marriage - which can cause the desire gap to grow and grow as the years go by.

But what if the LDS is simply someone who falls into the second category of cycles? What if this spouse is waiting to feel that desire in order to acquiesce to sex, all the while not realizing that s/he needs to allow themselves to get aroused first? Remember, a full half of the population falls into this category, so it is highly likely that one (or both) of you might find yourself saying, “Finally! Someone understands me!”

At the Divorce Busting^® conference I participated in, Michele Wiener-Davis told the story of one couple she met. The wife never wanted to have sex, but when she gave into her husband’s request, she actually had a great time and found the experience to be highly satisfying. The husband commented, “I wish I could take a Sharpie pen and write on her arm, ‘I like sex!’ Then, the next time I ask, she can read it and remind herself.”

While I think that the vast majority of people would be a bit embarrassed to have such a visual reminder of their sex life in such an obvious place (can you imagine the looks and questions she would get??!), the humour of this story strikes a cord of truth in most couples. So, here’s my advice to any Cycle 2 people out there - when your spouse approaches you to see if you are in the mood for sex, follow the advice of my friend in Texas and say, “Kiss me first so I can find out!”

So here are my questions for you:

• Are you a Cycle 1 or Cycle 2 person?
• Which one is your spouse?
• Are you in a mixed-cycle marriage?
• What can the two of you do to close the desire gap in your relationship?

Consummation 101

Welcome back to class.  This will be our last day of class before you “graduate”.  Feel free to have a big party tonight, but don’t pass out invitations in class unless you are inviting everyone!

But before we get too far into the celebration mode, let’s not forget that we do have a class today.  And yes, as promised, this really will focus on the sexual aspect of relationships.  No guys, if you have been diligently and patiently doing all the homework with your lady, then today’s lesson is truly well earned.  If you have sulked through class doing the bare minimums…well, then quid pro quo should not surprise you in the least.  You get what you give…

That being said, ladies - those of you who think that communication is the end-all-be-all of intimacy and understanding each other, I point you to a universally respected philosopher, Plato who said:

You can learn more from someone in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.

Not the kind of thing you would expect to hear from the guy who wrote The Republic and lectured on metaphysics in ancient Greece is it?  But it is true.

Now, I have already received quite a few emails in anticipation of this particular article.  My favorite was a simple, short question that said, “Are you teaching how to have sex?”  This is a question that I get asked all the time - especially in social settings when somebody blurts out that I am a “passion coach for sex”.  There is that awkward silence where people take that in and process it.  I usually take a deep breath and try to explain why that statement is as wrong as it is right, but someone always asks the question, “do you teach people how to have sex?”

The short of it is of course, no.  This article is not going to be a “tab A - slot B” diagram.   The underlying cause in the dramatic rise in sexless marriages in North America is not a lack of understanding of how a penis and vagina connect together.  I have yet to have anyone come to me for help and say, “I keep hearing about this thing called sex, but I have no idea what it is or how it works.”

No, for most of us, sex gets lost in the clutter of daily life, or set aside because of physical or emotional issues.   And yet physical intimacy is as important to a strong relationship as commitment and communication.  And yes, I did just switch terms from sex to physical intimacy.  They are slightly synonymous.  Sex is always physical intimacy, but physical intimacy is not always sex.

Easy guys, I am not going to say that a good cuddle can take the place of sex on a daily basis.  I don’t believe that.  But I do think both are important.  One of the issues that we face in North American culture today is that we have become so focused on goal achievement.  Now, usually this is a very good thing.  But often our greatest strength can also be our greatest weakness.  In a sexual relationship “finishing” the task at hand as quickly and efficiently as possible is not the best approach.  (the occasional “quickie” notwithstanding of course, but a healthy relationship cannot exist only on “quickies”)

Remember back to the beginning of your relationship.  Was there a time when you couldn’t wait to have sex?  All you wanted to do was run your hands all over your lover’s body and explore every inch of them?  When simply stroking their skin would lurch you both to an almost overwhelming physical response?  When you would kiss for hours because you weren’t sure the two of you were ready to take the physical further?

Physical relationships always start somewhere.  Sitting next to someone and your legs touch.  Reaching for something at the same time and your fingers brush against each another’s.  Somewhere along the way all this accidental touching changes to be more intentional.   One of you, maybe both of you at the same time, reaches for the other’s hand - and you never stop holding hands after that.

The first hug - maybe stilted and done with one arm.  The eventually that becomes a two armed hug where you lean into each other and shoulders connect but a little kid could still walk between you while you hug.  And finally, there comes the full-frontal embrace.  Arms around each other, heads tilt to opposite angles and rest on each other shoulders.  Neck touches neck.  Chest touches chest.  Belly to belly, thigh to thigh and hands move slowly up and down the back - longing to go just a little lower.

Then the first kiss.  Maybe it starts as cheeks touching and you make a little kissing noise as you do it (how very European of you).  Then it will proceed to a quick lip to lip that barely gives you time to pucker, but you think about it for hours afterwards.  Eventually you work up to that first real kiss.  It might not last for hours - maybe it is under the porch light at the end of a great date.  The first real kiss.  You are looking right at each other and your eyes keep moving from their eyes to their lips, like an unspoken ask for permission.  Then you begin the long slow movement forward as you both realize that this is going to happen.  Your lips part just as you come together and your eyes close as you give yourself over to “the kiss.”

Once that seal is broken you are kissing all the time.  You find excuses to be together just so you can kiss again.   You can be on the phone together for hours, not talking, because all you really want to do is be close to them - and when you are, talking is not the highest priority on your list.

Remember those days?  Back then we were not in a sprint to the finish line.  Sure, we probably wanted to speed things up a bit, but we were never rushed.   And yet today we are overwhelmed with activities and responsibilities and physical intimacy doesn’t get the prioritization it deserves.  Ironically, it is often the very fact that we know we can “get it” anytime that induces us to put it off - often to the point that we never do.

We have to reprioritize our lives.  If we want our relationship to grow and thrive, and not be satisfied with it simply continuing to exist, then we need to get back to the basics.  Let’s build on the foundation that we have.  Those feelings and activities might be buried under years and years of distractions and actions, but if you dig down, you will find that foundation.

Yes, I understand that you are busy, that your life is hectic and that you run at a frantic pace.  I understand that you have kids and they have some kind of built in amorous radar that forces them to suddenly need your attention if you and your lover so much as exchange a meaningful gaze.  But I also know that your sex life is important.  That it needs and deserves time and attention.  You deserve some time and attention.

So find some alone time.  Call into work sick one day and stay in bed - together.  Get up REALLY early and learn to explore each other again.  Find a friend to watch the kids for a night - or even for a few hours.  Trade off with another couple - each of you can watch the other’s kids while you go out (or stay in) once a month.

And get back to basics.  When was the last time you climbed on the bed and kissed deeply and lost track of time in each other’s embrace?  When was the last time you gave each other an hour long sensual massage - making sure to touch every single part of your lover’s body?

My husband once told me that he had a basketball coach who enforced a very strict rule.  Every time they brought the ball down court, they had to pass the ball 4 times minimum before they were allowed to shoot.  Sounds crazy doesn’t it?  What if there was an open shot?  What if they had an easy lay-up?  Didn’t matter.  The rule was 4 passes first.  I will admit that I don’t know enough about basketball to understand his rationale, but I am going to steal his concept anyway.  Next time you have sex, put this rule in place:  No vaginal penetration and no orgasms for either of you until you have both gotten fully naked, kissed deeply for at least 10 minutes and touched every part of each other’s bodies.  This is not a fast break play (to stay with the basketball analogy).  You have to intentionally build up to sex.  Nothing is to be rushed along.

Here’s a quick quiz for you:

Men: do you know what it takes for your lover to have multiple orgasms?  Wouldn’t it be great to find out?  If she has had them before with you, what is the highest number of them she has ever had (and can you beat that number)?

Women: do you know how long your lover’s refractory period is? (The refractory period is the recovery phase after orgasm during which it is physiologically impossible for a man to have additional orgasms. It is also sometimes explained as the time immediately following orgasm during which a man cannot achieve an erection.)  The best part is that there is only one way to find out the answer to this particular question…

If you are going to commit to focusing on your sex life, start first by focusing on having sex.  But focus on the full experience of it - from initial arousal through the complete build up to each person’s orgasms, then (to steal a line from hair care products) rinse and repeat.  Make physical intimacy a priority - yes, that means that something else will be pushed down the priority list.  Then schedule ahead specific times where sexual intimacy becomes THE PRIORITY.   Plan ahead.   I know, scheduling sex might not sound  like the spontaneous love making that everyone on TV is having, but it is simply to help you gain perspective on its importance.  You aren’t scheduling the sex - just the time for it.  The sex can still be spontaneous, and in fact it should be.  If you schedule one night a month where you will have long, uninterrupted time for sex, then switch back and forth on who plans it.  Talk in between times about what you like and don’t like.  What you have tried and what you haven’t (but secretly always wanted to).  Find new favorite positions or fantasies.  Have some fun.

I have coached many many people who lost the fun in sex.  I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the statement, “sex just isn’t fun anymore.”  Don’t be afraid to laugh together in the bedroom, or the kitchen table or the shower or wherever you decide to consummate your relationship again.  Sex is fun.

If you have gotten this far in the class, then you understand how integral commitment and communication are to a relationship - now you’ll find out how consummation interweaves with them as well.  None of them are complete without all of them.

So go - kiss, hug, stroke, have sex.  You heard me.  Go on.  And, maybe you shouldn’t invite anyone else to your graduation party after all.  

The Science of Kissing

Did you know that there is a science that studies kissing? It is called Philematology! Scientists study everything from the origins of kissing, to its effect on the brain, to its role in effecting long term attachment. Here are some of the things that they have found:

• Evidence suggest that kissing most likely began as a way for mothers to feed their children. Due to the lack of food processors millions of years ago, they would chew up food and pass it to their infants, mouth to mouth, so that the children could derive the benefits of nutrition of this pre-chewed food.
• There are many nerve endings in lips and tongue, which are stimulated by kissing and make it a pleasurable experience.
• There are 3 sets of muscles that act on the lips, and they are an anchor point for 10 others.
• Kissing is thought to have been important from an evolutionary perspective because a bad first kiss might have indicated that you would not be compatible with this person as a life-long mate.
• Passionate kissing releases oxytocin and other “feel-good hormones” into the brain. (Oxytocin is the same hormone which is released during orgasm and breast feeding).
• Cortisol, the stress hormone, decreases during a session of kissing.
• Men are often “wet” or “open mouthed” kissers and they have testosterone (linked to sex drive) in their saliva. Some believe that this was so that the sex drive in females would be triggered through kissing.

Helen Fisher, a renowned anthropologist with Rutgers University, has spent years researching and writing about the effects of love on the brain. Ms Fisher found that when subjects looked at pictures of their loved one as they had their brains scanned with a MRI machine, the most active areas of the brain were the regions which govern pleasure, motivation and reward. In fact, these are the very areas which are activated during the use of drugs such as cocaine! Now it makes sense that when we are deeply in love with another, it feels like we are on a “high”!

Furthermore, she believes that there are three regions of the brain which are responsible for mating and reproduction: the sex drive, the passion of being in love, and attachment. According to the results from the MRIs, the chemicals and hormones released during kissing can activate any or all of these three areas of the brain.

This is amazing to me! Want to increase your sense of passionate love? Kiss! Want to deepen your long-term attachment to your spouse? Kiss! Want to end up in the sack? Kiss!

Here are some ideas for you to implement this week:

1. Experiment with different types of kisses. Vary the type of kiss as well its placement. Try pecks on the cheek, a kiss on the head, a warm kiss on the palm of your lover’s hand, a closed-mouth kiss after a deep gaze into your lover’s eyes, a lingering wet kiss. Try kissing with your eyes open. Kiss with your eyes closed.
2. Feeling like you are about to fight? Try kissing instead. I know you won’t feel like it, but try it anyways. See what happens to your disagreement. Worst case scenario, you end up fighting after the kiss, but you were well on your way to doing that anyways. Maybe kissing will remind you why you are together and help you come to a more productive resolution to your dispute.
3. Decide that you will not allow your spouse to walk out or come into the house without a kiss. Perhaps this can become one of your greeting rituals to increase the intimacy in your relationship.

Sometimes, we want to feel the intimacy and love and passion before we take action. However, if you believe the science, it seems that we might have to take the action first. So, give yourself permission to act regardless of your feelings and see where it leads you. You might be surprised when your feelings fall in line!

Kissy Kissy Smoochy Smoochy

This past November, my husband and I were put in charge of the game at his company Christmas party. I really have no clue what they were thinking. They knew what I do professionally. They knew my husband will talk about anything, anywhere. You would think that they would have thought that decision through a bit more carefully. But they chose us. As a result, the couples became a target for our all-time favourite game: Rate Your Mate. Ah yes, Eric and I have spent many an evening playing this classic with various friends and finding out the secrets of their daily interactions with each other.

The vast majority of the questions are quite benign. They ask things such as, “What is the colour of your spouse’s toothbrush?” or, “Where is your spouse’s favourite vacation spot?” Of course, the questions that everyone remembers long after the game is over are the ones that have to do with romance and sex. I am still slightly scarred by the interaction that we once witnessed while playing with Eric’s aunt and uncle:

Question: Where is your favourite place to make Whoopee?
Uncle: The closet
Aunt: [horrified by the thought since she is claustrophobic] “That is NOT where we do it!”
Uncle: [smirk] “But I would like to.”

You would think that after such an emotionally disturbing revelation, we would throw away the game and never speak of it again. Instead, we decided to use it at our Christmas party with a bunch of couples that we have known for less than a year. We threw caution to the wind and figured that they would either 1) love it or 2) never ask us to run the games again. Either way, really, we would come out ahead.

We saved our favourite question for the grand finale of the night as it was the most difficult and therefore worth the most points:

“If you could describe your kissing ability as any household appliance, what would it be and why?”

(For those of you keeping score, the spouse answering the question got points for the correct what and bonus points for the correct why.)

Here are some of the answers that we got:

• A microwave because it heats you up from the inside out
• An oven because it is slow and thorough and it does the right job
• An iron because it will heat you up and smooth everything out
• A food processor because it does exactly what you need it to do no matter what you put in it

The people in the audience were rolling laughing as the contestants came up with their responses. In fact, the whole game was a hit due to the bravery and creativity of the couples who had been chosen to play. We spent the evening focusing on the ways we interact with each other, how we show our love, and even how we describe our kissing ability. And no, Eric didn’t get fired for choosing the game. Bonus.

What about you? How would you answer that question: If you had to describe your kissing ability as any household appliance, what would it be and why?

Let me know what you would say!

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PDA - public display of affection

I go to Hip Hop classes. Yes, that’s right. It’s my way of taking my own advice. You see, when I am contorting my body into all sorts of new positions which feel incredibly awkward all the while trying to make them look sexy and full of attitude, I get in touch with my inner diva a bit better. I love the sweat dripping off me at the end of my class because it is proof that I really worked hard, even if I sucked at it. I love the sense of accomplishment that comes when I get a move coordinated to the proper beat of the music. I love the fact that I dance with a bunch of middle-aged moms who, like me, are trying to regain a bit of their youth through this class. I love pretending that my husband is in the audience getting totally turned on by my new moves.

After class is over, the ‘tude is dropped and we all morph back into the suburban moms that we are in our real lives and troop over to the local Starbucks. LL Cool J would be so proud. Anyways, tonight we were enjoying conversation about our kids and their dance classes (and how much better than us they are), and all of a sudden our gaze was irresistibly drawn to a young couple who had walked in, arm in arm. After placing their order, they moved over to the pick up counter, and while they were waiting for their coffees (or vanilla cream frappachinos), they embraced and proceeded to kiss. Now, make no mistake - I’m not talking a little peck on the lips. I’m talking the full-on open-mouth French kiss.  Also known as: lip locking, mugging down, tongue wrestling, spit swapping, or my husband’s personal favourite - tonsil hockey.  (when we were dating he liked to refer to himself as the Wayne Gretzke of tonsil hockey)

The reaction around our table was quite interesting. I mean, just 20 minutes before this little public display of  affection, we were throwing our boobs around and grabbing our crotches as we prepped for our dance recital (yes, this is truly part of our dance). You would think – given how comfortable we have become with groping ourselves in front of other people – that some PDA wouldn’t faze us in the slightest.  You might even think that we would have whistled or cheered or clapped.  But that was not our reaction.

Instead, the table suddenly went completely quiet. And then the obligatory “get a room” comment was thrown out. And then we all tittered about how inappropriate it was – those two standing in our Starbucks stoking the flames of their hormones.

But as I drove home, I wondered when was the last time these women kissed their husbands like that young couple. Come to think of it, when was the last time I kissed my husband like that? Are we so offended because this behaviour is truly inappropriate (after all, we watch far worse on TV, movies, dance videos, and the like)? Or are we offended because it is a face to face reminder of what we have let slide in our own relationships? Something that we have let go. Something that we deeply miss, when we are being honest with ourselves.

I recently had a friend point out an article in a magazine. It talked about relationships and sex, and concluded by saying that if we still had the passion that had before we got married, we would never get anything else done besides having sex. Now, I don’t know about that, but I sure think those kids in the Starbucks were having more fun than we were.

When is the last time you kissed your spouse like he was your lover (or like she was your lover)?

Four Kisses a Day - thoughts

Last week, I had the privilege of being my daughter’s guest at her school’s annual Spring Tea. In her class, there is a mix of 3, 4 and 5 year-olds and they had all been busy for weeks making the preparations to serve their parents at this special event. As the parents waited in the hall outside the classroom, the children came out one at a time to speak to their parent and say, “Welcome to our Spring Tea. Won’t you come in?” The little girls finished their request with a curtsy and the boys bowed. We were then escorted to our assigned tables, complete with place cards. The theme of the tea was Mexico, so once everyone was seated, the children served us lemonade, chips and hot sauce, and quesadillas. It was incredibly sweet to see them so very excited, and yet behaving like proper little hosts and hostesses as they fulfilled all their duties.

After we had our goodies served to us, the children when to the front of the classroom and sang to us (mostly in Spanish) for about 10 minutes. Cameras flashed and video recorders whirled as all the parents attempted to capture this performance for posterity. My favourite song was called “Four Hugs a Day”. They introduced it in Spanish, but not speaking the language myself, I didn’t have a clue what it was. I was fortunate because after the first verse in Spanish, they sang it in English. And here is how it goes:

“Four hugs a day, that’s the minimum.
Four hugs a day, NOT the maximum.
Step One: Look them right in the eye
Step Two: Face to face
Step Three: Reach out your arms
Step Four: You can’t do any harm with
Four hugs a day, that’s the minimum.
Four hugs a day, NOT the maximum.”

Needless to say, all the parents beamed with pride. How can you NOT hug your kid after a performance like that??!!

But evidently, the theme of Four a Day doesn’t seem limited to school Spring Teas!

If you follow me on Twitter, then you might have seen me retweet some things from @hismilkmaid (her Twitter name).  One of her posts was on a study out of England that I thought was really interesting.  Recently the UK newspaper, The Telegraph, reported that a new study has come out which says that couples who kiss four times a day are more likely to stay married.  (if you want to read the article you can, here.) In fact, if you want the whole prescription for success according to the study, it’s:

• kissing 4 times a day
• having sex 2-3 times a week
• staying in touch during the day (by phone, email, text, etc.)
• enjoying two romantic meals out each month
• spending three nights of the week cuddling on the sofa together and
• getting away for a couple of romantic weekends each year
• one annual foreign holiday

These activities shore up the foundation of your relationship and helps ward off divorce.  I made special note of the “annual foreign holiday” to my husband, who smiled and said, “I guess we’ll have to take our chances” and winked.  Oh well, even if I don’t get a yearly trip to someplace exotic the rest of these really are great ideas for couples.

So in light of this study, here are my coaching tips for the day:

• Kiss on your wife or husband today (yes, four times!). Try a couple warm kisses and a couple deep kisses (remember what those are??).  Why not throw in a couple of extra little kisses on the top of their head as you walk by them.

• Send an email or text (their preferred method) telling them how much they mean to you.

• Be intentionally intimate with your lover – have sex tonight!

• Plan a romantic dinner with your lover.  Go out to a nice restaurant or stay home and make a romantic dinner right there in your own home – you could picnic on your bed for instance.

And for those wanting more than something that can be done today:

• Start saving for and booking a getaway night or weekend for the two of you. Send the kids to relatives, do a kid-swap with friends (they take your kids one weekend and you take theirs another weekend), hire a young married couple to come for the weekend to babysit. Get creative and get it done!

And lastly, with apologies to my daughter’s pre-school class, and sing with me…

“Four kisses a day, that’s the minimum.
Four kisses a day, NOT the maximum.
Step One: Look them right in the eye
Step Two: Face to face
Step Three: Pucker up your lips
Step Four: You can’t do any harm with
Four kisses a day, that’s the minimum.
Four kisses a day, NOT the maximum.”

Four Kisses a Day

Keeping Romance Alive

Sharing two hobbies, having three cuddles every 24 hours, saying at least one ‘I love you’ a day and enjoying two romantic meals a month could also help ensure a lasting liaison.

Researchers also discovered the husband and wife who will stay true to their ’til death us do part’ vow will have met through friends – and tied the knot after three and a half years together.

More than 3,000 married adults were polled to discover the secrets of their success in staying together.

Carol Richardson of confetti.co.uk said: “The research shows just how many components make up the perfect marriage, including the ideal age gap, dating duration and time to get married.

“After wedding hype is over, the study shows how important it is to keep the magic alive with regular kisses, cuddles and romantic nights out.”

The study found the longest-lasting marriages involve a man who walked down the aisle at the age of 31 – two years and three months older than their partner.

They should also say ‘I love you’ to each other at least once every day and have sex three times a week.

To keep the spark alive the poll found that married folk should enjoy two romantic meals out each month and spend three nights of the week cuddling on the sofa together.

They will also keep in regular touch – even when they are at work – through at least three phone calls, text messages or emails.

Two surprise weekends away every year, one annual foreign holiday and two UK breaks will also keep the marriage strong.

But while the ideal couple will share two hobbies, the study also revealed it’s important to keep some independence by having two separate nights out with friends a month.

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Full article: www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/4902206/Four-kisses-a-day-are-key-to-long-lasting-marriage-survey-suggests.html

Photo: The Telegraph

Oral Sex Basics for Him

Recently, due to an excellent question from one of my clients, I wrote an article on the Oral Sex Basics for Her. And, since I am an equal opportunity Passion Coach, (and because I was besieged with demands from the men out there) it is only fair that I follow up with some Oral Sex Basics for Him.

Here are some facts about women that you may not know:

• Women typically have a more difficult time coming to orgasm than a man does. It can take women 20-40 minutes to warm up enough to experience that plateau of pleasure. Men, on the other hand, can take much less time to have an orgasm. Rather than finding this gap of time to be a frustration, figure out some fun and effective ways to fill it.  (Sex is not a race to orgasm - if your mindset is “I won” than obviously your lover “lost”.)
• 70% of women need clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. This means the vast majority cannot have an orgasm during penetration alone.  Oral sex is a phenomenal way to make sure that she is satisfied.  (And believe me, satisfaction is what you are aiming for here.)
• The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings - that is a lot to be packed into such a small area!  (Take your time and think of it as a challenge to try and find them all.)

Ready for the tips? Here they are:

1. Prep for the event. Husbands, make sure your facial hair is well groomed. If you shave, then make sure you have shaved recently. For women with a sensitive clitoris, coming in contact with stubble can be incredibly uncomfortable and might even bring the whole session to a screeching halt. Wives, you too can be well groomed. Many couples report that shaving her pubic hair, trimming it with electric clippers or having it waxed enhances the sensations and increases the pleasure for both man and woman.
2. Remove the Barriers. Just as I recommended with the Oral Sex Basics for Her, most couples I meet are nervous about two things when I talk about oral sex: the smells and the taste. As such, I highly recommend that you begin with having a shower or bath together and incorporate soaping each other down into your foreplay. This ensures that you will not be sidelined by hygiene issues and it gets you warmed up (literally and figuratively). The sensation of the water, combined with the slickness of soap, is a great way to enhance the sense of touch. If you enjoy the warmth of the shower and don’t mind a bit of splashing, begin oral sex there!
3. Take your time. Men, I cannot stress this enough - DO NOT go straight for the goods! Remember the tip above, that is takes women about 20-40 minutes to get warmed up enough to experience orgasm? If you stimulate her on the clitoris immediately, she will most likely get over-stimulated before she gets close to having an orgasm. Instead, spend time exploring the other areas of her body and enjoy kissing her before you even get close to her pelvic region. Not only will this build intimacy between the two of you, but it will also give her time to become aroused. When you do begin to kiss her vagina, pay attention to it in its entirety, not just the clitoris.  If sports metaphors help you, then remember that this not a sprint; (and no, this isn’t training for a marathon either)
4. Don’t get a tongue cramp. Ok, I don’t know if you can actually get a cramp in your tongue. However, it is a muscle (actually a grouping of muscles), so I guess it is possible. In all seriousness, do a little experiment right now. Stretch your tongue all the way out of your mouth and hold it there for a minute. Feel tired? A lot of men make the mistake of sticking their tongue out as far as possible and then battering the clitoris back and forth with it. They get tired and their wives get annoyed.  Instead, think of oral sex as kissing your wife with your lips and use your tongue creatively.
5. Use variety of touch. The tongue is an incredibly flexible muscle, so try flattening it out, making it thin, put light pressure on her and then firm pressure, licking with it slowly or flicking it quickly, draw figure 8’s, spell out words and find out what her favourite letter is.  If you can multi-task at this point, then use your hands to caress her legs, stomach, inner thighs. You can also take a finger or two and slip them inside of her vagina. (Keep a lubricant handy so that this is comfortable for her.)
6. Try an edible. There are a number of topical creams and gels on the market which add a flavour to the experience as well as help augment the blood flow into the vaginal tissue which make arousal easier for a lot of women. They are great options for all couples who want to add a bit of fun to their experience, and they are especially good for couples who are concerned about the smells and tastes of oral sex.   Edibles like Tasty Tease or Pure Satisfaction can be used directly on the clitorus, but are not meant to be inserted in the vigaina.  Please take care here - never use anything with oils or sugar in a woman’s vagina as it can lead to yeast infections.
7. Keep the rhythm. As your wife is getting close to orgasm, make sure you keep the pace and rhythm of what you are doing consistent. Nothing is worse for a woman than being on the verge of orgasm and then feeling the touch change to something that isn’t as pleasant! If your wife is responding to what you are doing, for goodness sakes don’t stop!
8. Get feedback. Every woman is different in what type of sexual touch she prefers, and so to understand how your wife ticks and what makes her tingle, you are going to have to ask her. I can give you all the tips in the world, but if you don’t get feedback from your lover, you are never going to make it to Oral Sex Connoisseur status. Some women need the hood of the clitoris to be pulled back so that you can get direct stimulation on her clitoris, some women need the hood of the clitoris to keep it covered because direct stimulation can be painful, some women need a very firm touch, other women need a soft touch. If your wife has not yet discovered what type of touch she enjoys, then encourage her to be honest and learn together!

Got the Basics Down? Here are some other ideas to incorporate:

• Hum while you are kissing her to create a new sensation
• Put a small piece of ice in your mouth to create a cooling sensation
• Whisper in her ear how much you are going to enjoy licking her
• Let her know what you are going to do to her, and then delay the process by taking your time undressing her slowly
• Talk to her while you you are performing oral sex - tell her what you like about doing it and what you like about her
• Blindfold her and talk her through the entire experience without letting her “see” anything
• Add a bullet vibrator for some extra fun

I don’t want to appear like this article is exhaustive…feel free to add you own suggestions if you think I have overlooked something!

For those interested in the products mentioned in this article (edibles, bullet, or flavoured lubricants), I would be happy to discuss them with you and order them for you if you are interested.  Contact me here.

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Missing the Woman I Fell in Love With - thoughts

I ran across this article on CNN the other day and as I read it, my eyes filled with tears. In my practice, I meet so many women like the wife of this author but to hear the story from her husband’s perspective was, well, heart breaking.

It makes me want to yell and scream that marriage doesn’t have to be like what he is describing. That as the years go by, we can continue to connect in a special way that is uniquely us beyond our identities as mom, dad, daughter, son, boss or coworker.

But intimacy is built on the myriad of little choices that we make. The choice to gently touch as we pass by each other. The choice to give a lingering kiss goodbye in the morning rather than a peck on the cheek. The choice to ask, “How was your day?”, and then really listen to the answer. The choice to make time to write a little note and drop it on his pillow for him to find. The choice to put the kids to bed early. The choice to leave the TV turned off.

The relationship that we have with our spouse is unique - no other relationship has such a powerful potential for adventure, happiness, pleasure, companionship, and yes, intimacy. But it will only reach that potential if we choose for it to be so.

If you have not done so already, go read the original article here or on my article page.  Then come back and think about these questions?

• Do you “miss” the person you fell in love with and what has changed in your relationship that causes you to “miss” them?
• What specific choices are you going to make today, tomorrow, this week that will create intimacy between you and your lover?

Let us know your answers, and more importantly, let us know how the week goes when you implement these choices!!

Oral Sex Basics for Her

A client recently asked me, “So how do I give oral sex to my husband?” Excellent question! If you google “give a man a blow job”, you are bound to end up with lots of information (or pictures or a virus) that you really don’t want.

Your friends may not feel comfortable giving you step by step instructions, especially when you and your husband are coming over for barbeque this weekend. Your mom probably dodged the question if you even had the courage to ask. And your husband – well – he is probably so concerned that he might somehow turn you off the idea completely that he is terrified to address the subject.

So, let me help you out. Here is a run-down on the things that I have researched, heard about, and even run by my R&D department.

1. Relax - Remember that oral sex is great foreplay for a man, even if you are intimidated at first to bring him to ejaculation orally. Oral sex is a skill set to be developed just like typing. When you first started typing, it felt awkward and strange learning to move your fingers to push the correct keys, but after time and practice, it became second nature. Practice the first few steps of this process and then add more steps until you are comfortable with finishing all of them.
2. Communication - You should communicate clearly before you get started about your intentions so that he is not disappointed by unrealistic expectations (ie: “honey, I want to get better at this but I am going to start slowly and I may not be able to finish you off right away.”). Moreover, asking him what he likes about the idea of oral sex so that you can incorporate it. Every man is different in what he finds erotic and stimulating, so the very best oral sex is always based on what he likes.
3. Getting Ready – You probably want to have a good lubricant on hand (a water-based, flavoured lubricant is best) so that you don’t have to be concerned about using only your own saliva during oral sex. This also removes the necessity of having your mouth to do all the stimulating of the shaft (aka “deep-throating”) because you can use your lubricated hand to slide up and down his shaft while your mouth is elsewhere!
4. Removing Barriers – Most women I meet are nervous about two things when I talk about oral sex: the smells and the taste. We will talk about the latter in just a moment, but for the former I highly recommend that you begin with having a shower or bath together and incorporate soaping each other down into your foreplay. This ensures that you will not be sidelined by hygiene issues and it gets you warmed up (literally and figuratively). The sensation of the water, combined with the slickness of soap, is a great way to enhance the sense of touch. If you enjoy the warmth of the shower and don’t mind a bit of splashing, begin oral sex there!
5. Getting Started - Begin exploring by kissing and stroking the head of the penis, the shaft, the scrotum, the perineum (this area between the anus and testicles is rich with nerve endings) – whatever you are comfortable with and he likes. As you feel comfortable, take the head of the penis into your mouth, lick and suck on it gently. As you get more coordinated, use your hand to stroke the shaft while your lips are paying attention to the top of his penis.
6. “Don’t orphan the balls!” – This is one of my favourite quotes from a client who was chatting to his wife about oral sex. Oftentimes, women focus too much on the penis to the neglect of the scrotum and perineum and yet these area are full of sensitive nerve endings. You can get creative with your touch – vary it from a gentle to firmer massage to running your nails across him to a very wet, sloppy kiss.
7. The Gag Reflex - As you get used to the sensation of having his penis in your mouth, you can take more in. If you have a sensitive gag reflex, go slowly and take your time. For women with this issue – and I have met many of you – the topical gel “D’Lictious” gives a tingling sensation which helps to calm the gag reflex. Apply it on the penis and swallow a small amount before you get started.  Another option is to incorporate a GiGi into the act.  You can use it on the shaft of his penis and as it slides over the head he may not even know when the GiGi stops and your mouth begins!
8. Maintaining Contact – It is the stoking action on the penis which will bring your husband to ejaculation, and as you become more adept at oral sex, you will be able to recognize the signs that this is about to happen. The most important part of the finish is that you don’t break contact as this is one of the most intimate parts of the lovemaking. If you are not comfortable with the concept of swallowing, then keep moving your hand up and down the shaft until it covers (gently) the tip of the penis. This area gets very sensitive after orgasm, so ask your husband how much pressure he likes while he is enjoying his orgasm.
9. Getting Feedback – This might seem like the most awkward part of the whole experience, but it really is one of the essentials and it goes back to the emphasis that I put on communication earlier. Ask him what he liked and what you can do better next time. I am not suggesting that you ask him the moment that you two are finished being intimate. Wait a day or two and then ask. You will never become an expert at this (or anything in life) if you don’t elicit feedback and, frankly, he is the only one who can give it to you here. Understand that talking about sex can be the hottest thing in your sex life because it shows that you care about making it great, you are interested in what he thinks, and you are enthusiastic. And those are all great turn-on’s for a guy.

Got the Basics Down? Here are some other ideas to incorporate:

• Look up into his eyes while you have his penis in your mouth
• Hum while you are sucking to create a new sensation
• Put a small piece of ice in your mouth to create a cooling sensation
• Whisper in his ear how much you are going to enjoy licking him
• Let him know what you are going to do to him, and then delay the process by taking your time undressing him and touching him first
• Add a bullet vibrator for some extra fun. Put the speed on low and tantalize his scrotum with it

For those interested in the products mentioned in this article (D’Lictious, GiGi, bullet, or flavoured lubricants), I would be happy to discuss them with you and order them for you if you are interested.  Contact me here.