Relational Eroticism Part 2

I am not a history teacher by any means, but I have heard the comment that those who do not study the past are destined to repeat it.  I understood that statement to be an indictment on ignorance, and I have never wanted to be ignorant.  So, in order to “study the past” I became a student of it, mostly by watching the History Channel and Mel Gibson movies every now and again.  And one of my, now less so, guarded secrets is that I love watching the History Channel.  I was watching it the other day when my husband walked in.  He stared at the screen for a moment and saw men dressed up in medieval armor and turned and looked at me…waiting for some explanation as to why I was watching historical battles reenacted. I didn’t really have one other than a meek, “there wasn’t anything else on.”  But the truth is that I found it fascinating.

I love the names we have given to periods of time in history:  “The Dark Ages”, “The Renaissance”, “The Age of Enlightenment”…these all sound so romantic.  It’s way better than simply saying, “I grew up in the 70’s!  Best I have is “The Age of Bellbottoms and Awful Moustaches”, and that doesn’t roll off the tongue.

Just like looking back at pictures from the 1970’s and wondering how on earth our parents could have thought those clothes were fashionable in any way, when we look back on other ages in history it is always interesting to see what odd and even ignorant perceptions and paradigms people held so dear to themselves.

For instance, look at the so-called “Middle Ages” or “Dark Ages” for instance.  It was not until hundreds of years later that scholars began to use those terms for it, and it quickly took on a derogatory meaning.  It became a way to sum up that section of time by focusing on what was deemed to be “wrong with it.”  For a while it was called the “Age of Faith” because religion reigned supreme in the culture. Later, when this was deemed to be inappropriate because it is in direct conflict with the subsequent deification of intellect and man, scholars began referring to that period of history as “barbaric” and “priest-ridden”, and spoke of “these dark times”, “the centuries of ignorance”, and “the uncouth centuries”.

By the same token, these same scholars began calling their own time the “Age of Enlightenment.”  Thanks to the great oracle Google, I can tell you that, The Age of Enlightenment (or simply the Enlightenment) is a term used to describe a time in Western philosophy and cultural life, in which reason was advocated as the primary source and legitimacy for authority.  In fact, during this time reason was held to be the primary value of society.  Reason was prized above authority, intuition, emotion, mysticism, superstition, and faith.

Why am I forcing you into my private interest in history?  Because there are things we can learn from the past.  In fact, our current culture is shaped, in many ways, by cultural past. Studies have been done that show as much as 90% of our beliefs are secondary - meaning, that we either heard or read it, but did not personally experience it, and yet we believe it to be true. So when we hear “Dark Ages” we believe those times to be “bad” and when we hear “Enlightenment” we believe those times to be “good”.  What follows from that are logical conclusions that we should do like those who were “enlightened” and not be like those who were “ignorant”.   The pendulum has swung fully from a time where mysticism and faith (belief in that which cannot be seen or explained) were revered to a place where reason and understanding reign supreme.  Anything that cannot be fully known, understood, and explained in minute detail is not to be trusted.

The problem with this, like with any over-reaction, is that we have thrown the proverbial baby out with the bathwater.  Believe me, I too love to know and understand things.  When my husband is telling me something, I often serenade him with a chorus us “details, details…I WANT DETAILS!!!”  Seriously, I really do sing this to him.  It’s cute when I do it.  Seriously.

Anyway, the point here is that I am like everyone else when it comes to knowing things.  I want to know.  I need to know.  It’s my God-given right to know!  And therefore I tend to not trust things that I do not really understand.

This same philosophy has wormed its way into our belief about relationships.  I cannot tell you how many people have told me that they “deserve to know” every detail of their lover’s past and present in every area of their life.  And if they don’t know every detail, then they assume that things are being hidden and if things are being hidden then they must be bad or they wouldn’t hide them, and if they hide things then they don’t trust them, and if they don’t trust them then they cannot truly love them…and round and round the circle goes - each link in the chain assuming more and more negative qualities and it will become a major block in a relationship (if not a causal link to it failing).  Somehow in marriage we have come to the point where we actively and intentionally strive to eliminate all mystery.  We lose tolerance for a spouse who loads the dishwasher differently than we do - we don’t even bother to see why they do it a different way, we just know that our way is better.  We lose all tolerance for ambiguity - everything has to be nice and predictable.  Orderly.  Able to be quantified and classified.  Simple and easy to explain and understand.

The problem with this banal perspective is that it is, well, boring.  And aside from boring, it by definition extinguishes any erotic life from marriage.  Eroticism thrives in an atmosphere of mystery.  It allows for, and even encourages, spontaneity.  It provides fodder for our powerful imaginations to re-engage in the area of sex.   We regain a sense of wonder about sex.

I love the wording of that phrase: sense of wonder.  The very word bestows us with permission to not know.  To wonder is to not be sure - to not know.  And yet, one of the things we revere about children is their unadulterated sense of wonder - their amazing ability to simply look at things in awe without the overwhelming desire to understand it all.  They can take things at face value and appreciate them for what they are on the surface.  Faith comes easy to them.

We as adults, on the other hand, almost pride ourselves on our cynicism.  No one will take advantage of us.  We have ubiquitous sayings that permeate our sub-conscious like, “fool me once, shame on you - fool me twice, shame on me” or “if it seems too good to be true, then it is” or “I’m from Missouri, SHOW ME.”  We require proof.  In many ways we still cling to the pendulum that swung so far.

This is because, in North America, our thinking has been so radically impacted by the Age of Enlightenment. We can rationalize and explain virtually everything in our world. Intellectual discourse is high on our list of values. If I can explain things more articulately than you then I win the debate. We put very little value on mystery, on that which cannot be explained. Even our “mystery” shows on TV - CSI and Bones among others - are tied up neatly with a bow at the end of the episode. Shows which refuse to explain every little nuance - the show Lost comes to mind - drive us insane. (Why can’t they just tell us what is up with that island anyways?!)

And so it is with our relationships. Can’t communicate well? Head to your local bookstore and look through the thousands of self-help books. Or even better, flip on Dr. Phil - he will give you an answer. Can’t sustain an erection? Go to the doctor and get a prescription of Viagra or Cialis filled. If that doesn’t work, you can research penis implant surgery.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I am not saying that diligently seeking solutions to life’s problems is wrong. Au contraire - I wholeheartedly advocate being solution-oriented. And yet, there are times when we cannot find answers. Times when the prescription medication he is taking to keep him alive has devastating side effects on his libido and despite all the things you have tried, nothing can take away the ache that he doesn’t pursue you like he once did. Times where even though she has never had an orgasm with you, she finally confesses that she cannot live like this any more. Even though you have tried and tried, nothing is working and your fear that she will leave is escalating with each failed attempt.

In these moments, do we stop looking for solutions? No.

Rather we have to act like the love illegitimate love child of Mulder and Scully from the X-Files.  While looking for answers, we have to simultaneously learn to embrace the ambiguity of mystery. We choose to learn from the very fact that we do not know the answers. Contrary to everything our culture teaches us, we realize that we can grow from not knowing. We choose to see this mystery box as something that will weave richness into our life’s story rather than an inconvenience that needs to be immediately eradicated.

Richard Rohr calls this place “liminal space.” He says, “It is when you have left the “tried and true” but have not yet been able to replace it with anything else… It is when you are in between your old comfort zone and any possible new answer. It is no fun.”

No, it is not fun. However, if we can survive liminal space without bailing out too early for cheap and easy answers, we reap incredibly rich rewards: we become adept at dealing with anxiety, living with ambiguity, and stoking the flames of eroticism.

You thought I had forgotten about eroticism. Trust me…I’m getting there, but we have to build the foundation first. Next week: Exploring the Mystery of the Erotic or The Truth Erotic is Out There…

What’s All the BUZZ About?

From pre-engaged individuals to those with over 30 years of marriage - people always seem to have the same questions when it comes to the “taboo” subject of bedroom toys.  And so many don’t know where to go for the answers. But now it’s finally here!  Eryn-Faye’s first behind the scenes e-book focused specifically on Bedroom Toys.

From the perspective that only Canada’s Passion Coach can bring, Eryn-Faye targets the questions you are asking with the answers you are seeking. Eryn-Faye covers it all - from the basics of what a bedroom toy is (and isn’t) to how to talk about them with your lover.

With her trademark humor and frankness, she broaches topics you care about - Are they dirty?  Can I get addicted to them?  Why would I even want one? It’s all in there.  Wondering if you (or your lover) will become “unnecessary”?  She covers that too.

From communication skills to the infamous “walk of shame” when leaving an adult bookstore - Eryn-Faye deals with all of it. The Top 8 Questions Couples Ask About Bedroom Toys are all in here.

Isn’t it time you stopped wondering and started knowing?

You can purchase What’s All the BUZZ About for just $5 USD.

Simply click the Add to Cart button to purchase this exciting eBook!

What would you rather get for Christmas from your lover?

Make sure you read the blog post A Christmas Gift for Your Lover!

A Christmas Gift for Your Lover

This week, the government announced that the recession in Canada has ended. The official definition of recovery has been satisfied, and the government is certain that growth will continue. Of course, this is very welcome news.

However, for the average Joe (or Jane), we have yet to see the trickle down effects of this announcement. Just this week, a dear friend of mine lost his job. Other friends are wondering what they will do to bring in extra money in the New Year. People are still hesitant to spend money and are scaling back on their Christmas shopping list. All in all, it is not a year to go out and buy that Jaguar that you have always wanted.

As I began thinking of a gift I could give my husband which is both meaningful and easy on the pocketbook, I began mulling over the presents that he has given me over the years. What a stroll down memory lane! I find it intriguing that the gifts which come to mind aren’t the most expensive ones he has given me, but they were the gifts which reflected the fact that he just knows me.

Here is an idea for a Christmas gift: write your lover a letter thanking him/her for the top 5 (or 10) gifts that s/he has ever given you over the years. List out the gifts AND the reasons why they are so precious to you. Then tuck the letter under the tree.

I considered blogging about my own list, but I think I will save that for my husband. Perhaps he will allow me to share it with you in the New Year!

How to Look Good Naked

“All we’ve ever wanted is to look good naked; hope that someone can take it.
God save me rejection from my reflection; I want perfection”

Robbie Williams, Bodies

I am endlessly fascinated by the British series How to Look Good Naked. During each show the host, Gok Wan, will hone in on the deepest insecurities of a female guest and discover which body part she despises most about herself. He will then have her strip down to her “knickers” (or underwear for you non-British folk out there) and introduce her to a line up of average-looking women who are also in their undies. Gok explains to the guest that these women are lined up from smallest to largest of the hated body part. The woman then has to place herself where she thinks she fits in the line up. So, for example, if she is really concerned about her thighs, he arranges the women from smallest to largest thighs and then has the guest decides where she believes she measures up.

I have never seen a show where the guest didn’t go right near to the end where the largest body part was. Sometimes, while she does this, she is in tears completely undone by her self-loathing. However, Gok will then move her to the place where she actually belongs - this is most often nearer to the smaller end. The brilliant point that the show makes is that when it comes to body image, how we perceive ourselves is not necessarily reality.

We are besieged, each and every day, by images of “beauty” as defined by marketers. We somehow forget that it is their job to make us feel insecure about ourselves so that we will go out and buy their product. In fact, we get so caught up in what beauty is supposed to look like that when our lover tells us how good we look, we grimace and respond with an ungracious comment such as, “you need to get your eyes checked”. Internally, we are running through a checklist - formed through our consumption of airbrushed images - of all the reasons why s/he is wrong. But we, like the women on How to Look Good Naked, might have perspectives on our bodies which are very, very wrong.

Most people at this point go into a diatribe about how our character, our choices, our love for each other, our insides are most important in life. And I am all for those things. Truly.

However, there is no doubt that attraction is essential to a great sex life. You go to bed anticipating hot, steamy sex and all that passion you are feeling is immediately extinguished when he kisses you with unbrushed teeth and you get to taste what he had for dinner. Or she sidles up to you in her ratty sweats - so she can stay warm during foreplay, of course. Or he hasn’t cleaned under his finger nails since 1995. Or her hair hasn’t come down from that pony-tail since the kids were born. Physical attraction matters. You might be a beautiful person inside, but s/he is not making love to your insides.

When I am coaching couples, I try to redirect their focus from what our society says is attractive to what they find attractive in each other. Instead of scrambling to reach some unattainable cultural expectation (let’s face it, we’ve all seen rather unflattering photos of what the media refer to as “beautiful people”), find out what your lover sees as beautiful and what makes you feel attractive and sexy. Then set a goal to work on those things.

One of my clients shared with me her road to finding her “attractive self”. She has terrible skin sensitivities and so she cannot wear makeup easily and even hair products can be problematic. She always felt “less-than” because she couldn’t have the glamorous hair and makeup like the models. However, she discovered that she feels really attractive in skirts. So, she started to look for skirts which really make her feel sexy. Sometimes they are long; sometimes they are short. They had to be made of a fabric that felt good to her. She works with her husband, and so sometimes she goes to work with garters on underneath her skirts. And he loves this. Just knowing that his wife is wearing garters under her skirts is a complete turn-on to him especially since he can think about it all day at work. Now, if you saw her walking down the street and you were looking only for women who fit the model version of “gorgeous”, you might not give her a second glance. But she knows that she is attractive and her husband knows this too. They have found what really works for them.

What works for you and your lover? Do you actively put effort into being attractive for your spouse? If this is an area of your relationship that you would like to address, here are some things you can do:

1. What does your lover find attractive about you? Have you ever asked or have you just assumed? Ask him/her - what is your favourite feature about me? What do I do that you find attractive? If I am able to do nothing else to make myself attractive, but I could only do one thing for you - what would that one thing be? If s/he is open to the conversation, turn it around and tell him what you find attractive about him/her.
2. What makes you feel attractive, beautiful, sexy, hot? Do you allow yourself the time, the energy, the money to invest in this? How would your demeanor change if you did? Would your lover notice a difference? Would other people around you notice a difference? Find one (even small) way that you can feel more attractive this week and do it.
3. Buy an article of clothing that makes you feel incredible. How does it feel against your skin? What do you love about it - is it the colour, the shape, the fabric, the way you look in it? How does your lover respond when you wear it?

What is your lover’s most “attractive” asset?

How much absence makes the “heart grow fonder”?

Personal Body Grooming

When I was in elementary school, I ran down the street to visit a girlfriend. Her mother opened the door dressed in her exercise gear. This was the age of the Jane Fonda Workout and doing aerobics videos at home was all the rage. I can only assume that the mother peeked through the peephole in her door and thought, “Oh, it is only Eryn-Faye” because I shudder to think that, given her state of dress, she would have opened it to just anyone. For even at my young age, my eyes were drawn to the bush which was popping out of both sides of her body-suit and I vividly remember thinking to myself, “Dear God, I will never let myself look like that!”

Being thoroughly scarred from that incident, I was always meticulous as a teenager to make sure that nothing escaped from my swimsuit when splashing around during the Texas summers. Bikini waxes or shavings were just a part of my regular grooming regime. However, I was well into my twenties before I realized that I could do more than just “edge the curb”, so to speak. People actually “mow the whole lawn”!

Here are some of the reasons why both men and women might want to look into more extensive body groming (FYI - men, we call this “man-scaping” for you):

• In today’s styles of skimpy bathing suits, shorts, workout clothes and even lingerie, clipping your pubic hair means that you don’t have to be worried about anything sticking out.  (and reading about it on someone’s website 30 years later)
• If you are concerned about hygiene issues, the idea of less hair is most likely very appealing.
• Oral sex is so much more enjoyable when your lover is well groomed.
• Intercourse takes on a host of new sensations when there is little or nothing as a barrier in between.
• Less hair means more to see, and this can be very exciting. Provided that the lights are on, of course.

If you decide to take the plunge, you have several options, three of which are the most popular:

Trimming - typically using scissors or a trimmer (hair or beard), this is an option that you can try at home. If this is your first time with a trimmer, start with a longer blade and then shorten it to the desired length. While it does not remove the hair completely, it does shorten the length and tidy up the area.

Pro’s - once you invest in a good pair or scissors or a trimmer, the procedure is cheap, easy and quickly done at home.

Con’s - you will never experience the smooth feeling of a shave or wax, and you will most likely have to finish up the more delicate areas with a razor.

Shaving - this is an exceedingly easy option as everyone keeps a razor in the house. Usually more than one. When shaving the pubic region, it is essential to have a sharp razor (brand new is best) and a good shaving cream or gel. If this is the first time to do any sort of upkeep in the pubic region, then you will want to trim the area first so that your razor isn’t dull by the time you get to the sensitive areas. Go slowly, and try not to shave over the same area multiple times so that you can avoid irritation to the skin. (If you need a great shaving cream which helps cut down on the irritation, try out Unisex Soft & Silky)

Pro’s - cheap, easy and quick to do. The only expense is making sure that you change out your razors regularly to ensure that they remain sharp. You will have the soft, smooth feeling immediately after shaving.

Con’s - in the early stages of re-growth, the hair is stubbly which can be uncomfortable. However, once you get past this stage (usually in a day or two) this discomfort abates.

Waxing - the key to getting a good wax job is finding someone who really knows what they are doing. My personal opinion is that this is not the type of service that you want to get at your local esthetics school where all the novices are trying their new found skill sets on you for a cheaper price. But that’s just me. I believe that in the world of pubic waxing, you get what you pay for. If possible, get a referral from a friend who has had a good experience. If not, make sure that the salon is reputable, clean, and that your esthetician has experience giving pubic waxes.

Most salons will give women several options including Brazilian waxing (a full removal of hair) or French waxing (a “landing strip” of hair is left remaining). Likewise, men have the option of going totally bald or just waxing portions of their pelvic region.

Pro’s - Since the hair is removed at the hair follicle, it takes longer to grow back in and when it does, it does not have the stubble which accompanies shaving. Some people claim that if you continue to wax, over time the hair also comes in thinner and thinner. Immediately following waxing, the area is completely soft and smooth.

Con’s - It can be a somewhat painful experience, although an experienced esthetician will keep this to a minimum and move the procedure along quickly so that the discomfort does not last for long. Furthermore, the process can be expensive depending on where you live (smaller towns which have fewer salons tend to up their prices for this specialty service). However, as I mentioned above, this is not a service you want to scrimp on the price. If it is worth doing, it is worth doing well.

At the end of the day, there are a lot of options out there so that you can keep your down below region well groomed. Which I am sure will make your lover very happy.   (And you won’t freak out elementary school kids either. Bonus.)

Does it count as “sex” if your lover doesn’t orgasm?

What gets you most aroused?

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