Dear Eryn-Faye,
Being single again in my fifties, I would love to embrace another committed relationship but it seems all the fellows I meet want to go directly to sex. What happened to good old fashioned courting? A lost art in my opinion.
How can a fellow know he wants to be intimate with me unless he takes the time to get to know me first and then see if any fondness grows? I always tell possible suitors that sex is never my goal but could be an outcome depending on whether a deeper connection occurs on all levels (spirit, heart, mind, soul).
Am I from the dark ages wanting to get to know someone first and experience falling in love? It seems to be such an instant society… entitled to the prize without much effort!
Thanks for listening!
I love your comment about us living in an instant society. Most of us send email or a text message instead of a letter, and so we are unaccustomed to wait for what we really want. (Think back to times when people waited for weeks or more to hear back from the person they wrote) In my opinion, this decreases our ability to persevere, sacrifice and work for what we really want…and then to appreciate it once we have it! And you are certainly correct – this attitude translates into our perspective on sex as well. We are blitzed by media images of couples who meet, go on one date, and then fall into bed together. While this may work for some couples, many find that they start off on the wrong foot because they haven’t really invested in getting to know each other before they became sexually involved.
The other day, I was doing some research on cheating and was reading a book called “Close Calls”, by Dave Carder. He had a very interesting perspective on the beginning of sexual relationships that I would like to share with you:
“Your relationship is only as old as it is nonsexual. The relationship stops growing once it becomes sexual, because the physical aspect will become the primary focus. It is the sexual tension in a dating relationship that drives you to get to know the other person and that keeps you exploring the difficult subjects that are necessary to establish a long-term, well-matched experience.”
So allow me to applaud you in making the very wise and mature decision to slow down the sexual part of your relationship as you look for a good man. While it might be a rather lonely road to walk at times, I think you will be very satisfied with the results that it produces over the long-term. The fellow who wins your heart will be worth it (and yes, men who “court” are still out there!!).
Warmly,
Eryn-Faye, Passion Coach
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