The Greatest Gift

When was the last time you told your children how much you love your spouse?

That’s right.

When was the last time you looked your kids in the eyes and said, “I am so in love with your Dad [or Mom]“?

Are you terrified that they will feel unloved? Are you nervous that they will fall over themselves and say, “Ahhhh, that’s gross!!” Would they be totally confused? What holds you back?

Recently, I had to explain the concept of divorce to my daughter. Our goddaughter is part of a blended family, and so when my daughter asked some probing questions about them, I decided to answer honestly (but with brevity since she is only five). Many of Riley’s schoolmates come from single-parent households, but this was the first time she connected the dots with someone who is really close to our family.

The sadness that Riley felt was palpable. She didn’t understand how two people could marry and then divorce. It was incomprehensible to her that you would not live with the father of your child. In fact, she was so disturbed by the concept that she had another heart-to-heart with her teacher that day at school. I wish we were all so disturbed by divorce. The impact on a family is truly nothing less than devastating.

Kids live with the fear that their mom and dad will split up. This is understandable. They see it on TV (in one of Riley’s favourite shows, the dad is conspicuously absent). It is happening to their friends all around them. Why wouldn’t they wonder if they are next?

I believe that one of the greatest gifts you can give your kids is love for your spouse. Your marital happiness is the foundation of your family unit. And your kids need to hear about it. They need to know that you go on dates because your relationship with each other is precious. They need to see you flirt and cuddle and laugh. They need to hear that you love each other.

I don’t care if you are on your first, second or third marriage…if you are committed to making it work, then talk about how much you love your spouse around your kids.

“Riley, I love your Daddy.”

“Yeah, I know Mom. You tell me that all the time.”

Perhaps she will appreciate it more when she marries. Until then, I will have to keep modeling it for her.

Thanksgiving: Act “as if”

As I begin to write this article, George Michael floats into my mind. For the record, I am referring to the sexy, hotter-than-hell George Michael, not the creepy guy who got caught engaging in “lewd acts” in a public bathroom. And, I am sure that most of you are assuming that I am thinking about his song, “I want your sex”. But I am actually reflecting on his song, “Faith”. The tight, ripped jeans were enough to make a woman swoon. But I digress.

Recently, faith has been popping up on my radar screen frequently. I am currently coaching a woman who is separated from her husband but is longing to have him come home. He is taking all sorts of actions which most people would view as intolerable. Most people would recommend that this lady kick her husband to the curb and move on. In fact, her friends are boggled that she is still pursuing reconciliation. But she believes, deep in her heart, that she wants this man despite all the crap. In fact, she believes that they can grow as a couple because of the crap. She believes. She hopes. She has faith.

Faith is believing in things we cannot yet see. Having faith that our spouse will come back home. Believing that our sex life will indeed get better. Believing that marriage does not have to be dull, boring, monotonous. Believing that we can truly have our needs met within the context of this current relationship.

When we “act as if”, we are putting this faith into action. This “act as if” approach to life is echoed in the works of people such as Jack Canfield, Michele Weiner Davis and others. The basic concept is that when we “act as if” everything we want is about to happen has already happened or is in the process of happening, people’s attitudes and actions change around us. Because we are responding differently to the same set of circumstances, they cannot help but respond differently as well.

Think of it like a dance. When my husband and I dance, he makes this move, and I respond with this move. He puts his feet in this place, and I position my feet in this next position. As with partners on the dance floor who have practiced for years, our marriages can run on autopilot. He makes the dinner, and I clean up. He makes the first move in bed, and I respond. I tidy up the house, and he does the yard work. He tells me how beautiful I am and I write notes for him to find around the house. If both parties are happy with this arrangement and it is working for their marriage, then it is a wonderful benefit of being married. Sometimes being on autopilot is efficient - it saves time from negotiating each and every task or interpersonal exchange.

Inevitably though, things change over time. Perhaps a child came along, and so the person in charge of charge of initiating sex rolls over and falls asleep instead. Perhaps a new, more time consuming job comes along and so the house doesn’t get tidied as often. Maybe someone gets sick, and so the dinner routine becomes ordering take out. Sometimes the compliments and little notes become casualties of the immediacy of life. If couples are able to negotiate these changes in life with open communication about their expectations and needs, and find that there is compromise (at the very least) on these expectations and needs, then usually things proceed on well.

However, when couples become disappointed with each other because of lack of or ineffective communication, the dance can change from something that is fun to watch and be a part of, into one which is jarring and uncomfortable. No longer do the steps flow, but now he steps on her foot and she jerks back and he lurches forward to catch her and she moves her feet out of the way to avoid getting stepped on again. And yet, if the couple doesn’t stop and take stock of what is off-course, it is easy to fall into a new, awkward (if not painful) dance pattern.

It might look like this: he doesn’t seem happy anymore so she is cautious when he walks through the door. He sees that she is not exuberant to see him, and so he brushes past her to go see the kids. She feels ignored and so she doesn’t ask him about his day. He feels insignificant so after dinner, he withdraws to watch TV. She follows him into the TV room and complains that he never talks to her anymore. He feels nagged and responds by withdrawing further, maybe even to the guest room for the night. And on and on. Many times we have our own “dances” that we fall into - patterns which are highly predictable when we actually break them down into their individual steps.

The advantage of recognizing these patterns is that it empowers us to do something different. And we don’t both have to recognize the pattern - one of us will do. In fact, one small change in that old familiar pattern can affect a whole new chain of events.

“Acting as if” is a powerful tool in changing the pattern. So, in the example above, what if the wife’s reaction to her husband’s unhappiness had been to greet him at the door with a warm, “welcome home, honey” as if he was walking through the door as happy as could be? Or he had seen her cautious behaviour and gave her a big hug anyways? Either of those actions could have circumvented the other steps which led to his sleeping the guest room. Because when we “act as if” our demeanor, attitude and requests change and this has a domino effect in the lives around us. It is not being inauthentic or untrue to ourselves or play-acting, it is making a choice to see things through the eyes of faith and behave differently as a result.

This Thanksgiving season, what do you want to be thankful for? What do you have faith for? What are you holding on to believing for even though you cannot yet see the results? How can you “act as if” those results are already here?

Here are some ideas on how you can put this into practice:

• Imagine that everything was going the way you wanted it to, think about how would you be acting differently? Then act as if it is.

• Consider your current situation in your relationship.  Ask yourself if your circumstances have this changed how you act/react to him/her?  If the answer is yes, then go back to how you acted/reacted to him/her when things were going well.

• Take a moment and objectively think about your behaviour. Have you stopped doing the little things that you normally would do? Decide to re-implement them regardless of his/her attitude right now.  And remember that those “little things” are actually large, important things in a loving relationship.

And now, to give you a bit of encouragement, I am going to imbed the Faith video. Because we all need a little bit of faith. And because George really is hot.

Communication 101

OK kids!   How did your time together go?  Did you recreate your first date?  Did you go the Happy Camper route?  Did you check out the airport and watch planes come in?  Whatever you did, the point was spending time together - quality time together.  I hope that you did, and hope that you will share some of that with us all in the comments, so we can all learn together!

Alright, this is school, so put your books away, clean off your desks, get out a clean piece of paper and let’s take a pop quiz!  True or False. 50/50 chance of getting it wrong right.  (These questions and the follow up information come from Michele Weiner-Davis’ “The Marriage Breakthrough” seminar © 2001.  Used with permission.)

1. Conflict and Anger are signs that your relationship is failing.

False All relationships are subject to rocky ups and downs.  Many people feel that their marriage/relationship is doomed because they argue.  THIS IS NOT THE CASE.  Passionate people are passionate in all areas.  Some of the most passionate people in the bedroom have some of the most passionate arguments.  I worry more about relationships where the two people “never argue”.  That can be indicative of a sexless marriage as well - one with no passion anywhere in it.  How we resolve conflict and how we fight are much more important indicators.  When Eric and I went through pre-marital counseling one of the greatest tips we were given was to set the ground-rules for how we would fight.  We were not so naïve as to believe that we would not fight, so we had to agree up front to fight fair, and we set strict rules about what we could and could not do or say in an argument.  We have lived by those rules and updated them constantly as we change and grow.

2. You’re more likely to divorce if there are differences in your beliefs, backgrounds or interests

False Research shows that people who remain happily married are not necessarily more similar to each other than those who divorce.  They just learn effective ways of managing their differences and nurturing the things they do have in common.  So all that talk about “how can we stay together when we’re so different” or “we need to get a divorce because we’ve grown apart” is complete bunk.  When Eric was growing up he always assumed that he would marry a good little Texan girl who grew up trained to be a Southern Belle, and loved to cook, clean and sew.  I can tell you honestly, he was 0-fer on those.  Our compatibility had very little to do with how much we had in common.  I didn’t even like the Dallas Cowboys when we met - and that was borderline heretical!

3. In healthy relationships, major disagreements get resolved over time.

False Research tells us that approximately 60% of what couples argue about is un-resolvable.  The issues couples disagree about in the beginning of their relationship are the same things they disagree about years down the road.  What does change is the way in which they handle their disagreements.  (if you have trained them right, the men just give in over time)  Ok, I kid about that part.  The true nature of maturity, both as an individual and as a couple, is developing and growing our ability to appropriately and effectively handle issues and conflict - not our ability to avoid them.  Shumley Boteach (Host of “Shalom in the Home”) has said, “wrestling with our humanity is the very stuff of living.  In life, righteousness is defined not through perfection, but rather through struggle.  It is our endeavor to try and to do the right thing amid a predilection to do otherwise that makes us unique, not the fact that we always choose the right thing.”

4. Couples should have a shared definition of what it means to be loving.

False Too often people tell themselves, “If you loved me you would feel the same way I do about _________.”  Everyone communicates differently.  There is nothing better about one form of communication over another.  The trick is to learn HOW to hear what the other is saying.  Gary Chapman wrote the groundbreaking book on the “5 Love Languages”.  In summary he explains that there are 5 ways we can communicate our love, and while all of us can do each one of them there is often a primary way that we prefer to have love communicated to us.

The 5 languages are:

Words of Affirmation
Mark Twain once said “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”  Verbal appreciation speaks powerfully to persons whose primary Love Language is “Words of Affirmation.”  Simple statements, such as, “You look great in that suit,” or “You must be the best baker in the world! I love your oatmeal cookies,” are sometimes all a person needs to hear to feel loved.

Quality Time
Quality time is more than mere proximity. It’s about focusing all your energy on your mate. A husband watching sports while talking to his wife is NOT quality time. Unless all of your attention is focused on your mate, even an intimate dinner for two can come and go without a minute of quality time being shared.

Receiving Gifts
Some mates respond well to visual symbols of love. If you speak this love language, you are more likely to treasure any gift as an expression of love and devotion. People who speak this love language often feel that a lack of gifts represents a lack of love from their mate. Luckily, this love language is one of the easiest to learn.

Acts of Service
Sometimes simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of love. Even simple things like laundry and taking out the trash require some form of planning, time, effort, and energy.  Doing humble chores can be a very powerful expression of love and devotion to your mate.

Physical Touch
Many mates feel the most loved when they receive physical contact from their partner. For a mate who speaks this love language loudly, physical touch can make or break the relationship.

Sexual intercourse makes many mates feel secure and loved in a marriage. However, it is only one dialect of physical touch. Many parts of the body are extremely sensitive to stimulation. It is important to discover how your partner not only physically responds but also psychologically responds to these touches.

Ok.  Turn in your quizzes.

How did you do?  It’s ok no matter what you scored - you’re here to learn right?  You know what I really love about the 5 Love Languages?  They are all the basics that you can see in any school setting through the innocence of children.  Let’s go to the playground for recess and you can see what I am talking about.

Words of Affirmation are always found on the playground.  Little Johnny can tell Suzie that her dress is awful pretty, or that he likes he curls, or he can tell her how impressed he is that she can run faster than any boy in class!  All he is doing is expressing appreciation for her.

To see Quality Time in action let’s head over to the swing set.  This is one of the best examples of quality time.  Little Johnny can push Suzie in the swing for the entire recess period and both of them be happy about it.  He is paying complete attention to her and making sure that she is going as high as she wants to.  She is being doted on because he is listening to her and responding to her wishes.  The communication can be as simple as “higher!” or “that’s too high!” but it is so much deeper than just the words.  She is communicating a need and he is meeting it.  She is being heard and she knows it because he changes in reaction to it.  That is the quintessential quality time: proximity, focused attention and truly hearing the other’s needs.

Receiving Gifts is also in full display at school.  Sometimes it might not work out so well, like when Little Johnny gives Suzie his prized frog he caught.  Sometimes it does, like when Suzie gives Little Johnny a pen because he left his at home.  It is simply giving to someone else something that has value - either to you or to them.  It is especially impactful when the item has value to both parties - such as when Little Johnny breaks his homemade chocolate chip cookie in half and slides a piece to Suzie during snack time.  Giving a gift in a public setting also has extra value because Suzie’s friends see the transaction and they get to talk about it afterwards, thereby increasing the importance of the gift and it’s attached meaning.  This is why brining your lover flowers home is a wonderful thing to do, but having them delivered to her at work or when she is sure to be in front of friends is even more impactful.

Acts of Service is almost ubiquitous in school settings.  How often do you see people offer to carry books, or open a door or help with homework?  These are all acts of service that tell the person that they are important.  It communicates very clearly that I see you and I know you.  And because of that, I am aware of what your needs are and I am going to go out of my way to meet those needs.  Acts of service require us to be aware and to be self-starters.  See a need and get up and meet that need (preferably before you are asked to do so).  If there is a piece of clothing on the floor - pick it up!  If there are dishes in the sink - put them in the dishwasher, or <gasp> wash them yourself!  If he’s mowing the lawn and you can tell that it is hot outside, take him a big glass of his favorite ice-cold beverage.  The key: notice and be proactive - don’t wait to be asked.

Physical Touch is probably the easiest to see on the playground.  Everyone of us has played tag before.  What is the basic point?  To touch!  Remember the swing set where quality time is camping out?  In order to push someone on the swing you have to touch them.  Win a game and high five?  Touch.  Punch a buddy in the arm? Touch.  Almost all the games we create on the playground requires some level of touch.  Our relationships are no different.  Yes, every guy wants to claim Physical Touch as their primary love language in the hopes that their wife will read “sex is my love language.”  But stereotyping aside, there is more to physical touch than simply sex in a relationship.  It can be a gentle caress as you walk by your lover.  A lingering hug that promises more.  A quick peck on the cheek just to say hi.  Holding hands in a public area.  Cuddling on the couch while watching a movie.  Physical touch is a way of reminding the person that you are there for them - that they are not alone.  Our bodies and minds respond to touch.  Studies have shown that infants who receive hugs and touch every day will develop better cognitively.  My daughter’s class last year sang the “Four Hugs a Day” for all the parents as a reminder to everyone of the importance of physical contact for showing love, support and connectedness.

So your assignment this time?  Head out to the playground with your lover and through practice and patience try out all the love languages and see what you respond to best and which one you are most fluent in.  Take some notes.  Learn with each other.  Copying off of your lover’s work is highly encouraged!!

Then each day, go out of your way to intentionally speak your lover’s Love Language at least once - every day!!

There’s the bell!  Go play!!

The Freedom of Forgiveness

A number of years ago, my husband went through a certification process on a “relapse prevention” program. He was a fundraiser for a non-profit which worked with addicts breaking their addictions and getting back on their feet. The course wasn’t strictly necessary for his position, but he felt it was important to know what the counselors deal with on a regular basis so that he could more effectively tell their stories to potential funders.

The course was intensive and the participants were required to do homework each night. One evening when he came home, he told me they had gone through the section on forgiveness - an essential section for any addict who wants to truly leave their compulsions behind them and move on. I was intrigued with the conversation until he turned to me and said, “I think we should go through the exercise and talk about your father.”

Oh crap.

In the later years of his life, my father had made some - let’s put it mildly - “poor choices” which had HUGE ramifications for us kids. I had tried to forgive him. I thought I had done a decent job at it.

But here’s the thing about forgiveness: it is a large, ambiguous, and difficult-to-pin-down concept. Sure, we have all heard the quote that refusing to forgive someone is like drinking poison and expecting them to die. But how do you know when you have actually forgiven them? What do you say and do? Can you ever move to the place of having fondness for the person?

Out of sheer love for my husband, I decided to listen to the perspective that he had gained at the course. Michael Dye, the author of the course, had an interesting spin on forgiveness. It wasn’t just a question of what the person did and how you can “let go”, it was an in-depth look at what you had told yourself when you were hurt.

Through my tears, Eric helped me fill out the chart. Here is one example of what I wrote:

Person: My Dad

Offense: He re-married four months after my Mom died.

Judgment: He is selfish and weak, unable to live without a woman.

Vow: I will never need a man like he needed a woman…I won’t be that weak.

Effect on me: Trust issues in my relationship with Eric which have taken years to address properly.

Person’s Debt: He owed me the right to grieve at my own pace - without a step-mother - for at least a year.

There were actually a litany of offenses, but I won’t bore you with all the sordid details. Eric sat next to me on the couch and wouldn’t let me leave until I had put everything on paper. It took hours. At the end of the list, Dye has you verbally articulate a forgiveness statement releasing the person of not only the offense (the typical approach to forgiveness exercises) but also the DEBT that they still owe you. Keep in mind, the debt might not be logical at all. It is your emotional response to the hurt you have experienced. For example, you could be forgiving a parent for being absentee during your childhood. S/he might “owe” you all the time that you lost with them.

It is the DEBT part of this exercise that is profound. Because unless you actually know what you are forgiving a person for - meaning what debt you are releasing them from - it is impossible to forgive them. If you try to address the offense, but never dig deeper to the debt, you will be spinning your wheels.

How does this have anything to do with sex???

Because I meet a significant number of people who have been unable to move past offenses and debts that his/her spouse has inflicted. A lot of these people are still married but can’t figure out why their sex life is tanking. Let me tell you, if you think you can have a thriving sex life when you are holding on to something that your spouse did to you, you are out to lunch. Sex is one of the most intimate ways we express ourselves with our partners, and this expression will be severely curtailed by unforgiveness. It festers and grows until it becomes all encompassing.

Let me tell you what I experienced after I completed the exercise regarding my father. All of a sudden, for the first time in years, I was able to remember the good things he had done for me. It was as if all the unforgiveness had been a cloud that prevented me from seeing him for what he truly was - a man capable of making some very good as well as some very bone-headed decisions. And there is enormous freedom in coming to that place.

One last thought…forgiveness is a unilateral act. You do not need an apology, an acknowledgement or even a public allocution from your spouse or other offenders in order to forgive. My father had been dead for years when Eric and I went through the exercise. It was for me and me alone. And it brought enormous freedom.

Who do you need to forgive in your life?

Don’t forget to vote in our forgiveness poll!!!

OH me so horny

As I mentioned in one of my blog posts, Guess Who’s Coming to Town, I was recently able to spend some time with one of my heroes, Michelle Weiner-Davis. Her work in the field of marriages on the brink of divorce - and specifically when the cause of that brink is their lack-luster or non-existent sex life - has been lauded everywhere from Oprah to The Today Show to CNN.

In her books, The Sex-Starved Marriage and The Sex-Starved Wife, Mrs. Davis moves past the gender stereotypes of [husband=horny] and [wife=disinterested] to a gender-neutral depiction of the High Desire Spouse and Low Desire Spouse. In some marriages, spouses get slotted into one role and stay there. In others, however, the roles can change back and forth due to stress, illness, exhaustion, children, hormonal fluctuations and a host of other life circumstances.

Regardless of who is the “horny” person in the marriage, one thing is always constant - the person who gets to set the frequency in the sexual relationship is the Low Desire Spouse. Whoever says “no” wins. If both parties are communicating about this issue and accepting of this arrangement, then it is usually smooth sailing. However, problems develop when:

• There is a large gap between what the High Desire Spouse wants and what the Low Desire Spouse wants

• This gap grows because the Low Desire Spouse begins to avoid all physical touch out of fear it will lead to sex

• The High Desire Spouse begins to push harder for sex in response to the Low Desire Spouse’s pulling away

• Communication about the subject becomes acrimonious or non-existent

• One or both parties begin to feel misunderstood or unloved by the other party

Sadly, if this cycle of misunderstanding, lack of communication and lack of physical connection is allowed to perpetuate in the relationship, then the marriage becomes at risk for infidelity and/or divorce.

So how can you become proactive to make sure your relationship is not at risk? As with most aspects of marriage, it takes open communication and willingness to compromise without being judgmental of your spouse. Remember, one role is not better than the other - it is simply a product of putting two different individuals in a relationship together. And if there are issues in the marriage that are a result of your differences, it is not a “his” or “her” problem, it’s a problem for “y’all” (yes, those are my Southern roots coming out). So stop blaming each other and get to work. Need some suggestions?

Here are a few exercises to be proactive in your marriage:

• Take a moment to look at your relationship through your lover’s eyes. Ask yourself:

• High Desire Spouses: How does it make him/her feel when I initiate sex? What am I noticing about him/her before I initiate? What makes my spouse feel loved and respected and how can I do those things for him/her?

• Low Desire Spouses: How does it make him/her feel when I say “no”? How does he/she interpret my refusal to give a hug or a kiss? What would I be communicating to him/her if I said “yes” even if I am not totally in the mood?

• What you focus on will grow. What were the circumstances around the last time you had great sex (or even sex at all)? Who initiated? Was there something special that happened? How were you feeling emotionally before you had sex? Did you feel empowered? Or less tired? Or deeply connected to your spouse? Did something different go through your mind beforehand? Once you have a clear picture of what is was that made that last encounter great, reduplicate it!

• Rediscover the warmth of physical touch. Initiate touch during times when it is not possible to have sex so that neither party feels any pressure. Walk down the street holding hands, give a hug or kiss while the kids are in the room, sit close to each other on the coach while company is over, have a cuddle while the TV is on, etc.

• Try something new. Do you know the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a new outcome. If what you have been trying isn’t working, then try something different and see what kind of response you get. Change the time or location of your sexual encounters, learn a new sexual technique, make the choice to say “yes” no matter when the next request comes, etc.

• Read the Michele Weiner-Davis’ books. These books are a good read for anyone who is interested in this subject, but essential reading for couples who are struggling with the pain of sex-starved marriages. Her approach is practical to understand and implement. Here’s a link to her on Amazon.ca

I do want to take a moment to reiterate that the labels of “high-desire” and “low-desire” are not permanently affixed.  In both men and women, and in relationships in general, libido ebbs and flows.  The spouse that is high desire today may be the low desire spouse next month.  Sometimes relationships can reach an equilibrium where your desires match. Whatever the case you find yourself in TODAY, know that any number of factors can cause that to be different tomorrow.  The important thing to remember is that communicating to each other your wants/needs/desires regarding sex is what keeps your relationship strong in this area.

If you haven’t yet, please do go vote in the poll on “Who Has the Higher Sex Drive in Your Relationship“.  And remember that when you vote, you are not slapping yourself with a permanet label - just noting where your relationship is at the moment!

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An Open Letter to my Husband

Dear Husband,
I love the fact that you are always on the lookout for new information on my business. What I do just wouldn’t be the same without you. Not only are you my VP of Research & Development (a job with little pay but many perks) you are also the love of my life. And so, when you sent me a not-so-subtle email message about this article that you found (“THIS IS A MUST READ”), I was quite happy to oblige.

As I read the article, I wondered how much you were actually saying to me. I talk about the importance of communication all the time, and yet it is so easy to let the sound of our own voices be drowned out by the cacophony of daily life. It is easy to talk about communication, but it is much more difficult to do. Perhaps you were telling me something…something that you had never quite found the words to express yourself. And so I looked for little pieces of you throughout the writings of this author. His raw honesty was both refreshing and disturbing and has me asking a lot of questions.

What do you mean that guys are “sick of date night“? Isn’t that our time to spend alone time with you? Oh right… You like to be surprised too. You like spontaneity. I used to do random little things for you all the time before we had our daughter and I don’t find enough time to do them anymore. I bet you miss those times and wish we had them back. I get it. I need to schedule spontaneity until it (hopefully) evolves into a naturally occurring event.

And do you really, honestly, think that I am hot when I am bending over to put dirty dishes in the dishwasher? Really? Is that why you are always grabbing my butt when I am trying to clean up the kitchen? Instead of finding it annoying, I guess I should change my perspective. It seems that in the midst of the mundane, you are still attracted to me, and I need to appreciate it for what it is.

And you are turned on by the fact that I am the mother of your daughter? And your time with the guys actually makes you excited to come back home to me? And when you reach to hold me in the middle of the night, it’s not just because you want to have sex??? Amazing. Simply amazing.

I see a whole new side to you through the eyes of this tidbit on the internet. And I love what I see because I have a whole new respect for who you are and what you need from me. Thanks for sending me the link, honey. And plan for some spontaneity tonight! Nudge, nudge, wink, wink!

Couples - read the article together and give me your comments:
What Your Husband Wants You to Know, But Isn’t Telling You

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“traditional wedding vows”

“I,          , take you,        , to be my wedded (wife/husband), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; till death do us part.”

Four Kisses a Day - thoughts

Last week, I had the privilege of being my daughter’s guest at her school’s annual Spring Tea. In her class, there is a mix of 3, 4 and 5 year-olds and they had all been busy for weeks making the preparations to serve their parents at this special event. As the parents waited in the hall outside the classroom, the children came out one at a time to speak to their parent and say, “Welcome to our Spring Tea. Won’t you come in?” The little girls finished their request with a curtsy and the boys bowed. We were then escorted to our assigned tables, complete with place cards. The theme of the tea was Mexico, so once everyone was seated, the children served us lemonade, chips and hot sauce, and quesadillas. It was incredibly sweet to see them so very excited, and yet behaving like proper little hosts and hostesses as they fulfilled all their duties.

After we had our goodies served to us, the children when to the front of the classroom and sang to us (mostly in Spanish) for about 10 minutes. Cameras flashed and video recorders whirled as all the parents attempted to capture this performance for posterity. My favourite song was called “Four Hugs a Day”. They introduced it in Spanish, but not speaking the language myself, I didn’t have a clue what it was. I was fortunate because after the first verse in Spanish, they sang it in English. And here is how it goes:

“Four hugs a day, that’s the minimum.
Four hugs a day, NOT the maximum.
Step One: Look them right in the eye
Step Two: Face to face
Step Three: Reach out your arms
Step Four: You can’t do any harm with
Four hugs a day, that’s the minimum.
Four hugs a day, NOT the maximum.”

Needless to say, all the parents beamed with pride. How can you NOT hug your kid after a performance like that??!!

But evidently, the theme of Four a Day doesn’t seem limited to school Spring Teas!

If you follow me on Twitter, then you might have seen me retweet some things from @hismilkmaid (her Twitter name).  One of her posts was on a study out of England that I thought was really interesting.  Recently the UK newspaper, The Telegraph, reported that a new study has come out which says that couples who kiss four times a day are more likely to stay married.  (if you want to read the article you can, here.) In fact, if you want the whole prescription for success according to the study, it’s:

• kissing 4 times a day
• having sex 2-3 times a week
• staying in touch during the day (by phone, email, text, etc.)
• enjoying two romantic meals out each month
• spending three nights of the week cuddling on the sofa together and
• getting away for a couple of romantic weekends each year
• one annual foreign holiday

These activities shore up the foundation of your relationship and helps ward off divorce.  I made special note of the “annual foreign holiday” to my husband, who smiled and said, “I guess we’ll have to take our chances” and winked.  Oh well, even if I don’t get a yearly trip to someplace exotic the rest of these really are great ideas for couples.

So in light of this study, here are my coaching tips for the day:

• Kiss on your wife or husband today (yes, four times!). Try a couple warm kisses and a couple deep kisses (remember what those are??).  Why not throw in a couple of extra little kisses on the top of their head as you walk by them.

• Send an email or text (their preferred method) telling them how much they mean to you.

• Be intentionally intimate with your lover – have sex tonight!

• Plan a romantic dinner with your lover.  Go out to a nice restaurant or stay home and make a romantic dinner right there in your own home – you could picnic on your bed for instance.

And for those wanting more than something that can be done today:

• Start saving for and booking a getaway night or weekend for the two of you. Send the kids to relatives, do a kid-swap with friends (they take your kids one weekend and you take theirs another weekend), hire a young married couple to come for the weekend to babysit. Get creative and get it done!

And lastly, with apologies to my daughter’s pre-school class, and sing with me…

“Four kisses a day, that’s the minimum.
Four kisses a day, NOT the maximum.
Step One: Look them right in the eye
Step Two: Face to face
Step Three: Pucker up your lips
Step Four: You can’t do any harm with
Four kisses a day, that’s the minimum.
Four kisses a day, NOT the maximum.”

Missing the woman I fell in love with

By Josh Lerman on parenting.com

Tue April 7, 2009

(Parenting.com) — My wife and I share a home and a bed. We kiss goodbye in the morning and hello in the evening with such ritualistic regularity that if one of them somehow gets missed, I worry it means bad luck.

We have a marriage in which we tell each other things, without large, dramatic fights, a marriage that in our affection and respect for each other seems awfully good in comparison to those of most of our friends.

But somehow in the past ten years or so since our first daughter was born, in the mad swirl of breastfeeding and colic, of Pull-Ups and wipes, dinners and playdates, car repairs and sweeping, versions of each other that we used to take for granted — versions of our relationship — have gone missing.

Christina and I met around 20 years ago. The friend of a friend of one of my college roommates, she appeared to me first at a party a few weeks after graduation. I thought she was gorgeous, and remember standing in the kitchen talking to her, trying to make her laugh.

She left the party early, and I later heard she’d gone off to Europe. There was a boyfriend.

But through the coincidences of social life in a big city, I ended up living with a high school friend of hers, while she returned to New York to work in the same office as another friend of mine from college. We became part of each other’s circle of friends.

Over the next year or two, as we spent time with each other on a semi-regular basis, our banter became more flirtatious, and I finally asked what she was doing Friday night. She answered “Something with you,” and we’ve been together ever since.

What I remember most about our first years together was our laughter. We giggled in bed at night and over the course of long weekend mornings, lying on our backs, legs draped across each other’s legs. Shameless hilarity in restaurants, malls, on the sidewalk — a private world of absurdity and delight, in love with the ridiculousness of the world and each other.

We moved in together, married, and bought an apartment. Jobs gotten and lost, money pressures, depression, a relative’s drinking problem, fertility issues — the stuff of adult life — all pounded at us but ultimately pushed us closer. At last we became parents together, sharing the shocking face-smack of responsibility and obligation that comes with the precarious-seeming beauty of infancy.

Of course we were still silly together — it’s who we were — but there was less time, less energy. Christina’s body, during pregnancy and breastfeeding, and even after, it seemed, was owned by our daughter Olivia. The baby was lavished with affection, but maybe not husband and wife so much.

The baby was tickled and sung to and spoken nonsense to and made to laugh, but maybe not the husband and wife so much.

A new job, more fertility trials, the dehumanizing infinity of adoption paperwork capped by waiting, waiting, and finally our baby, a second daughter, Lucy. Our life continued, almost on autopilot.

The children grow and their needs change. They must be fed, the mortgage paid, the sidewalk shoveled, bedtimes enforced. The obligations — to the preschool, the PTA, my job, Christina’s work, Olivia’s preposterously plentiful homework — are a constant, staticky background to our lives.

My wife and I support each other, can count on the other, and on random weekends away can recapture flashes of that old lightheartedness.

And there are new shared pleasures: looking at each other in baffled rapture at the half-wit brilliance of 4-year-old Lucy explaining “how they make grass”; beaming with outsize pride at 9-year-old Olivia’s dance-recital seriousness and grace; witnessing a spontaneous, unexpected gesture of affection from an older sister to a younger. And the attempted mom-dad hugs in the kitchen dissolving into four-headed laughing kiss-fests.

But it’s too little, too fleeting. We spend so much of our lives passing each other on the way somewhere. Me on the way to see whether the sudden, eerie silence from the girls’ room is Lucy scaling her dresser like a climbing wall (it is). Christina on the way to the basement to put the laundry in the dryer because no, I have to admit, it wouldn’t occur to me to do it on my own.

Our bedtimes drift apart — Christina’s closer to the girls’, mine later toward a precious hour or two of private, need-free quiet time listening to music, reading, or watching bad TV.

What’s gone is the pure selfishness that brought us together. Something that belonged only to us, that was unique to us and part of us, has gotten lost.

But isn’t this what happens in life — that what I remember was a time, not a thing, and we can no more recapture those versions of ourselves than we can travel to ancient Rome? That a normal part of becoming an adult, of raising a family together, is leaving behind treasured swaths of the love affair that got us here — the mindless lust, the inside jokes, the laughter? Perhaps. But even so, selfish though it may be, I miss my wife.

So we must build on what we had — what we still have. We’re different people now, in different lives. We’ve changed, and so our love must change. The problem isn’t really that something is lost. It’s that we’ve been looking in the wrong direction, sitting there waiting for something to materialize instead of getting up and making it ourselves.

We’ll have to try a little harder to see past the day-to-day. If I do, I’ll find my wife — she’s in the basement taking stuff out of the dryer.

And if she can postpone bedtime for just a few minutes (please!), she’ll find me down in the living room watching bad TV. I can’t tell you how easy it would be to get me to turn that damn thing off.

By Josh Lerman

Copyright 2009 The Parenting Group. All rights reserved.  Read the original article here.

And read Eryn-Faye’s response to this article in her blog, then share your thoughts too!

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Missing the Woman I Fell in Love With - thoughts

I ran across this article on CNN the other day and as I read it, my eyes filled with tears. In my practice, I meet so many women like the wife of this author but to hear the story from her husband’s perspective was, well, heart breaking.

It makes me want to yell and scream that marriage doesn’t have to be like what he is describing. That as the years go by, we can continue to connect in a special way that is uniquely us beyond our identities as mom, dad, daughter, son, boss or coworker.

But intimacy is built on the myriad of little choices that we make. The choice to gently touch as we pass by each other. The choice to give a lingering kiss goodbye in the morning rather than a peck on the cheek. The choice to ask, “How was your day?”, and then really listen to the answer. The choice to make time to write a little note and drop it on his pillow for him to find. The choice to put the kids to bed early. The choice to leave the TV turned off.

The relationship that we have with our spouse is unique - no other relationship has such a powerful potential for adventure, happiness, pleasure, companionship, and yes, intimacy. But it will only reach that potential if we choose for it to be so.

If you have not done so already, go read the original article here or on my article page.  Then come back and think about these questions?

• Do you “miss” the person you fell in love with and what has changed in your relationship that causes you to “miss” them?
• What specific choices are you going to make today, tomorrow, this week that will create intimacy between you and your lover?

Let us know your answers, and more importantly, let us know how the week goes when you implement these choices!!

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