There is a story that is often told of Gregory Bateson, an anthropologist and the husband of the Margaret Mead. He was asked to come observe a group of otters that seemed depressed to their zookeepers. Otters, if you didn’t know, love to play. You can watch them for hours as they leap, swim, wrestle with each other and get up to all sorts of antics. These otters, however, seemed listless and lethargic.
After watching the animals for a number of days, Bateson dangled a piece of paper on string into their habitat. Before long, an otter came over to the string and began to bat at it. Very soon after, another otter joined in and then both otters started to play with each other. Even when Bateson removed the paper on the string, the otters continued to play.
How did two otters – creatures that are playful by nature – stop playing? Simply put, they got bored.
It is very easy for couples to get bored and, by extension, stop playing with each other when they have been married for years.
I was recently chatting with a client, and she mentioned that her husband liked to pull out a stuffed animal, put on an alter-ego voice, and make silly comments. She didn’t have a clue how to respond. Naturally a very serious person, this activity seemed very confusing to her. When I suggested that she make a silly comment in return – something fun and playful – it made her stop and think because it had been so long since she had been playful in their marriage.
Are you playful together? Believe it or not, this can be one of the most effective tools to making your relationship last. If you are having a lot of fun together, it makes it much harder to split up.
What are you doing to be playful with your spouse? Do you need to introduce something new into your environment to remind the two of you how to play again? What will that something new be? (as a suggestion: you might want to try something different than a just piece of paper on a string!) How can you make your spouse laugh this week? Can you surprise your spouse with something that will completely delight him or her?
As you think about those questions, let me leave you with a video of two otters, taking a nap at the Vancouver Aquarium. They are holding hands so that they will not float apart.
Remember: Playfulness not only combats boredom, but it also engenders intimacy.
Does time with your spouse get squeezed out because you are spending so much on your kids? Read this article for tips on bringing balance and protecting your marriage.
Your marriage is one of the most important relationships in your life.
Children need to see you two as a couple who will, at times, need to make that relationship top priority.
Limit your child’s extracurricular activities to one or two special ones. Let them understand that they need to choose. You’ll be surprised how having less “running around” will limit exhaustion and free up some much needed time for you.
If you have children from a previous marriage, include your new spouse in the time you spend with them. It will alleviate tension and resentment.
Ordinarily, I bounce along in life, having a series of wild and wacky and usually embarrassing things that happen to me that I can pass onto you in the context of developing a deeper and richer sex life.
But lately life has been teaching me about something more serious. Something that causes one to stop, to ponder, to contemplate. Something that is extraordinarily uncomfortable to acknowledge. And yet something that, I believe, is at the heart of why so many people have such pain when talking about their sex lives.
My personal journey started when I was doing that aforementioned bouncing along and I ran smack-dab into a situation wherein I had caused pain to another. To be sure, this was not intentional on my part in any way, but intent did not mitigate the fact that I hurt someone. I did. And I felt awful for having caused them pain.
But their reaction to me – whether or not they intended it to be – was devastating. I was shaken to my very core. Suddenly my emotions were all over the map.
I cried. I raged. I had dialogues in my head wherein I called upon all my debate skills from law school and trounced them in public. But when all of this subsided, I wondered, “why is this affecting me so personally?” To be completely blunt, I had apologized to them for causing pain, so I could not figure out why I was still in emotional turmoil over this situation!
So, as is my habit when I find myself in unknown waters, I researched. And to my surprise, my research led me to the concept of shame.
Dr. Brune Brown (a self-described researcher/story-teller), who has spent a decade researching “connection”, says that shame is the fear of disconnection. It is the silent, inner question that we all ask, “Is there something about me that if people see, I won’t be worthy of connection?” And in her brilliant book, The Artist Way, Julia Cameron defines the act of shaming as “the attempt to prevent a person from behaving in a way that embarrasses us.”
We all have things within us that we are deeply afraid to reveal to others. Dr. Brown asserts that all humans capable of empathy have shame and the less we talk about it, the more we have it. We all wear masks that hide the parts of us that we don’t want others to see.
It is my profession to poke behind the masks that people wear and peek into their innermost fears and doubts. I cannot count the number of couples I have met who appeared to all those around them to “have it together” and yet they were secretly meeting with me to discuss their sexless marriage, or the incompatibility of their sexual proclivities or the fact that they loved each other, but were no longer “in love”.
I have also met countless young couples, boasting that they would do just fine in their sex lives because they had done all the research on the quantitative and qualitative elements necessary to sustain a healthy relationship. Later, they creep back to me because, in their youthful zeal, they had failed to see that there are things that you very simply cannot anticipate through theory…only experience can truly test whether you can thrive. Relationships, simply put, are not academic.
But what happens when we say something or do something (intentionally or inadvertently) that rips the mask off of someone and exposes their shame?
Most people resort to blame. (Dr. Brown says the clinical definition of blame is “a way to discharge pain and discomfort.”) For if they can turn the argument around and make you look and feel bad – if they can shame you – then they will feel safe and secure once again with their mask firmly back in place. It turns the spotlight from shining on their insecurities to redirects the light onto you. For, as we all know, the spotlight can be extremely uncomfortable.
Here is an example from my coaching practice. I met with a woman who had been married for decades and had decided that the sex life she had lived with was not what she wanted for the rest of her relationship. She had come to the place of needing a substantial change if she was going to stick around. After a series of conversations, her husband threw up his hands in disgust and said, “What is wrong with you? Sex has always been good for me!”
This woman, after years of silence, had expressed a desire to change their sex life, and his response was to cover his own shame of being unable to satisfy his wife by telling her that she was the problem. She had embarrassed him, and he responded by shaming her.
So how do you confront shame and blame in the bedroom?
It starts with you. Shift your focus from the other person and onto you. What did they say that made you feel vulnerable, exposed or insecure? Is there any truth to what they said? If so, what changes can you make in your behavior, your choices and your attitudes towards yourself and others? Once you have that figured out, get to work.
Do not deny the pain. Cameron has a profound way of addressing shame and blame. Instead of saying, “It doesn’t matter”, she instead says, “I will heal.” In this way, she encourages us not to deny the feelings that resulted from the blame, but rather to allow ourselves to move past them.
Be patient with others. Sometimes just understanding that we are all covering our own shame gives us patience and grace for others. Furthermore, when we refuse to accept the shame and refuse to strike back in blame, we disrupt the pattern and thereby grow in personal strength.
Be kind to yourself. Because she is a teacher of the creative, Cameron suggests that the very best way to move past shame is to be creative once again. Perhaps you do not consider yourself a creative person, so you think this is not a solution for you. The point, however, stands. Do something that reminds you of who you really are: have lunch with a friend who can kindly speak truth to you, read old letters from people who love and encourage you, or write in your journal about the things you believe to be true.
Move to a place of forgiveness. Eventually, when you are ready (do not rush this process just because it is the right thing to do!), begin the process of forgiveness. If you need pointers, read my article Freedom of Forgiveness.
Of course, putting several bullet points on paper makes the process seem simple. Let me to assure you that it is not. But it is a starting place. If you want to research a bit more, take 20 minutes and watch Dr. Brown’s presentation at TED here.
So what do you think? Have you ever been shamed…have you ever reacted to someone by shaming them? Your thought are always welcome!
Every thought of taking a walk while you fight? This Real Simple article explains why this (and 9 other clever tips) can help divorce-proof your marriage!
One of the things I most appreciate about Michele Weiner Davis and her approach to therapy is her philosophy that a change in perception can trigger a ripple effect in your relationship which has wide-reaching positive impact. Check out this article, wherein she gives straightforward tips on Becoming a Solutions Detective in Your Marriage.
When was the last time you told your children how much you love your spouse?
That’s right.
When was the last time you looked your kids in the eyes and said, “I am so in love with your Dad [or Mom]“?
Are you terrified that they will feel unloved? Are you nervous that they will fall over themselves and say, “Ahhhh, that’s gross!!” Would they be totally confused? What holds you back?
Recently, I had to explain the concept of divorce to my daughter. Our goddaughter is part of a blended family, and so when my daughter asked some probing questions about them, I decided to answer honestly (but with brevity since she is only five). Many of Riley’s schoolmates come from single-parent households, but this was the first time she connected the dots with someone who is really close to our family.
The sadness that Riley felt was palpable. She didn’t understand how two people could marry and then divorce. It was incomprehensible to her that you would not live with the father of your child. In fact, she was so disturbed by the concept that she had another heart-to-heart with her teacher that day at school. I wish we were all so disturbed by divorce. The impact on a family is truly nothing less than devastating.
Kids live with the fear that their mom and dad will split up. This is understandable. They see it on TV (in one of Riley’s favourite shows, the dad is conspicuously absent). It is happening to their friends all around them. Why wouldn’t they wonder if they are next?
I believe that one of the greatest gifts you can give your kids is love for your spouse. Your marital happiness is the foundation of your family unit. And your kids need to hear about it. They need to know that you go on dates because your relationship with each other is precious. They need to see you flirt and cuddle and laugh. They need to hear that you love each other.
I don’t care if you are on your first, second or third marriage…if you are committed to making it work, then talk about how much you love your spouse around your kids.
“Riley, I love your Daddy.”
“Yeah, I know Mom. You tell me that all the time.”
Perhaps she will appreciate it more when she marries. Until then, I will have to keep modeling it for her.
A number of years ago, my husband went through a certification process on a “relapse prevention” program. He was a fundraiser for a non-profit which worked with addicts breaking their addictions and getting back on their feet. The course wasn’t strictly necessary for his position, but he felt it was important to know what the counselors deal with on a regular basis so that he could more effectively tell their stories to potential funders.
The course was intensive and the participants were required to do homework each night. One evening when he came home, he told me they had gone through the section on forgiveness – an essential section for any addict who wants to truly leave their compulsions behind them and move on. I was intrigued with the conversation until he turned to me and said, “I think we should go through the exercise and talk about your father.”
Oh crap.
In the later years of his life, my father had made some – let’s put it mildly – “poor choices” which had HUGE ramifications for us kids. I had tried to forgive him. I thought I had done a decent job at it.
But here’s the thing about forgiveness: it is a large, ambiguous, and difficult-to-pin-down concept. Sure, we have all heard the quote that refusing to forgive someone is like drinking poison and expecting them to die. But how do you know when you have actually forgiven them? What do you say and do? Can you ever move to the place of having fondness for the person?
Out of sheer love for my husband, I decided to listen to the perspective that he had gained at the course. Michael Dye, the author of the course, had an interesting spin on forgiveness. It wasn’t just a question of what the person did and how you can “let go”, it was an in-depth look at what you had told yourself when you were hurt.
Through my tears, Eric helped me fill out the chart. Here is one example of what I wrote:
Person: My Dad
Offense: He re-married four months after my Mom died.
Judgment: He is selfish and weak, unable to live without a woman.
Vow: I will never need a man like he needed a woman…I won’t be that weak.
Effect on me: Trust issues in my relationship with Eric which have taken years to address properly.
Person’s Debt: He owed me the right to grieve at myownpace – without a step-mother – for at least a year.
There were actually a litany of offenses, but I won’t bore you with all the sordid details. Eric sat next to me on the couch and wouldn’t let me leave until I had put everything on paper. It took hours. At the end of the list, Dye has you verbally articulate a forgiveness statement releasing the person of not only the offense (the typical approach to forgiveness exercises) but also the DEBT that they still owe you. Keep in mind, the debt might not be logical at all. It is your emotional response to the hurt you have experienced. For example, you could be forgiving a parent for being absentee during your childhood. S/he might “owe” you all the time that you lost with them.
It is the DEBT part of this exercise that is profound. Because unless you actually know what you are forgiving a person for – meaning what debt you are releasing them from – it is impossible to forgive them. If you try to address the offense, but never dig deeper to the debt, you will be spinning your wheels.
How does this have anything to do with sex???
Because I meet a significant number of people who have been unable to move past offenses and debts that his/her spouse has inflicted. A lot of these people are still married but can’t figure out why their sex life is tanking. Let me tell you, if you think you can have a thriving sex life when you are holding on to something that your spouse did to you, you are out to lunch. Sex is one of the most intimate ways we express ourselves with our partners, and this expression will be severely curtailed by unforgiveness. It festers and grows until it becomes all encompassing.
Let me tell you what I experienced after I completed the exercise regarding my father. All of a sudden, for the first time in years, I was able to remember the good things he had done for me. It was as if all the unforgiveness had been a cloud that prevented me from seeing him for what he truly was – a man capable of making some very good as well as some very bone-headed decisions. And there is enormous freedom in coming to that place.
One last thought…forgiveness is a unilateral act. You do not need an apology, an acknowledgement or even a public allocution from your spouse or other offenders in order to forgive. My father had been dead for years when Eric and I went through the exercise. It was for me and me alone. And it brought enormous freedom.
As I mentioned in one of my blog posts, Guess Who’s Coming to Town, I was recently able to spend some time with one of my heroes, Michelle Weiner-Davis. Her work in the field of marriages on the brink of divorce – and specifically when the cause of that brink is their lack-luster or non-existent sex life – has been lauded everywhere from Oprah to The Today Show to CNN.
In her books, The Sex-Starved Marriage and The Sex-Starved Wife, Mrs. Davis moves past the gender stereotypes of [husband=horny] and [wife=disinterested] to a gender-neutral depiction of the High Desire Spouse and Low Desire Spouse. In some marriages, spouses get slotted into one role and stay there. In others, however, the roles can change back and forth due to stress, illness, exhaustion, children, hormonal fluctuations and a host of other life circumstances.
Regardless of who is the “horny” person in the marriage, one thing is always constant – the person who gets to set the frequency in the sexual relationship is the Low Desire Spouse. Whoever says “no” wins. If both parties are communicating about this issue and accepting of this arrangement, then it is usually smooth sailing. However, problems develop when:
There is a large gap between what the High Desire Spouse wants and what the Low Desire Spouse wants
This gap grows because the Low Desire Spouse begins to avoid all physical touch out of fear it will lead to sex
The High Desire Spouse begins to push harder for sex in response to the Low Desire Spouse’s pulling away
Communication about the subject becomes acrimonious or non-existent
One or both parties begin to feel misunderstood or unloved by the other party
Sadly, if this cycle of misunderstanding, lack of communication and lack of physical connection is allowed to perpetuate in the relationship, then the marriage becomes at risk for infidelity and/or divorce.
So how can you become proactive to make sure your relationship is not at risk? As with most aspects of marriage, it takes open communication and willingness to compromise without being judgmental of your spouse. Remember, one role is not better than the other – it is simply a product of putting two different individuals in a relationship together. And if there are issues in the marriage that are a result of your differences, it is not a “his” or “her” problem, it’s a problem for “y’all” (yes, those are my Southern roots coming out). So stop blaming each other and get to work. Need some suggestions?
Here are a few exercises to be proactive in your marriage:
Take a moment to look at your relationship through your lover’s eyes. Ask yourself:
High Desire Spouses: How does it make him/her feel when I initiate sex? What am I noticing about him/her before I initiate? What makes my spouse feel loved and respected and how can I do those things for him/her?
Low Desire Spouses: How does it make him/her feel when I say “no”? How does he/she interpret my refusal to give a hug or a kiss? What would I be communicating to him/her if I said “yes” even if I am not totally in the mood?
What you focus on will grow. What were the circumstances around the last time you had great sex (or even sex at all)? Who initiated? Was there something special that happened? How were you feeling emotionally before you had sex? Did you feel empowered? Or less tired? Or deeply connected to your spouse? Did something different go through your mind beforehand? Once you have a clear picture of what is was that made that last encounter great, reduplicate it!
Rediscover the warmth of physical touch. Initiate touch during times when it is not possible to have sex so that neither party feels any pressure. Walk down the street holding hands, give a hug or kiss while the kids are in the room, sit close to each other on the coach while company is over, have a cuddle while the TV is on, etc.
Try something new. Do you know the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a new outcome. If what you have been trying isn’t working, then try something different and see what kind of response you get. Change the time or location of your sexual encounters, learn a new sexual technique, make the choice to say “yes” no matter when the next request comes, etc.
Read the Michele Weiner-Davis’ books. These books are a good read for anyone who is interested in this subject, but essential reading for couples who are struggling with the pain of sex-starved marriages. Her approach is practical to understand and implement. Here’s a link to her on Amazon.ca
I do want to take a moment to reiterate that the labels of “high-desire” and “low-desire” are not permanently affixed. In both men and women, and in relationships in general, libido ebbs and flows. The spouse that is high desire today may be the low desire spouse next month. Sometimes relationships can reach an equilibrium where your desires match. Whatever the case you find yourself in TODAY, know that any number of factors can cause that to be different tomorrow. The important thing to remember is that communicating to each other your wants/needs/desires regarding sex is what keeps your relationship strong in this area.
If you haven’t yet, please do go vote in the poll on “Who Has the Higher Sex Drive in Your Relationship“. And remember that when you vote, you are not slapping yourself with a permanet label – just noting where your relationship is at the moment!
Dear Husband,
I love the fact that you are always on the lookout for new information on my business. What I do just wouldn’t be the same without you. Not only are you my VP of Research & Development (a job with little pay but many perks) you are also the love of my life. And so, when you sent me a not-so-subtle email message about this article that you found (“THIS IS A MUST READ”), I was quite happy to oblige.
As I read the article, I wondered how much you were actually saying to me. I talk about the importance of communication all the time, and yet it is so easy to let the sound of our own voices be drowned out by the cacophony of daily life. It is easy to talk about communication, but it is much more difficult to do. Perhaps you were telling me something…something that you had never quite found the words to express yourself. And so I looked for little pieces of you throughout the writings of this author. His raw honesty was both refreshing and disturbing and has me asking a lot of questions.
What do you mean that guys are “sick of date night“? Isn’t that our time to spend alone time with you? Oh right… You like to be surprised too. You like spontaneity. I used to do random little things for you all the time before we had our daughter and I don’t find enough time to do them anymore. I bet you miss those times and wish we had them back. I get it. I need to schedule spontaneity until it (hopefully) evolves into a naturally occurring event.
And do you really, honestly, think that I am hot when I am bending over to put dirty dishes in the dishwasher? Really? Is that why you are always grabbing my butt when I am trying to clean up the kitchen? Instead of finding it annoying, I guess I should change my perspective. It seems that in the midst of the mundane, you are still attracted to me, and I need to appreciate it for what it is.
And you are turned on by the fact that I am the mother of your daughter? And your time with the guys actually makes you excited to come back home to me? And when you reach to hold me in the middle of the night, it’s not just because you want to have sex??? Amazing. Simply amazing.
I see a whole new side to you through the eyes of this tidbit on the internet. And I love what I see because I have a whole new respect for who you are and what you need from me. Thanks for sending me the link, honey. And plan for some spontaneity tonight! Nudge, nudge, wink, wink!
“I, , take you, , to be my wedded (wife/husband), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; till death do us part.”
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