Flicking the Bean

A week later, I am still quoting The Ugly Truth to anyone who will listen to me. Friends have heard the run-down and I have giggled with women at parties about it. In fact, I even found myself sharing a scene from the movie during a coaching session with a client.

In this scene, the leading man asks the leading lady how often she “flicks the bean”. She is horrified and tells him that she doesn’t do that. He responds, “If you don’t even want to have sex with you, what makes you think that he will want to have sex with you?”

Controversial? Maybe.

Crass? Probably.

Thought provoking? Definitely.

Here is what I have found in my coaching business. Women who refuse to touch themselves as they are growing up have much more difficulty in their sex lives than women who masturbated before marriage. Why? Because prior to their sexual relationship, women in the former group (Group One) don’t have a clue what turns them on, what type of touch they enjoy, and what brings them to orgasm. Women in the latter group (Group Two), by contrast, are experts on their own bodies before a man enters the picture.

Granted, there are definitely couples who successfully navigate the Group One’s lack of experimentation. They typically have excellent communication skills, a shared sense of adventure and a lot of self-confidence going into their relationship. They understand that they will be figuring this stuff out together and are not embarrassed to make a lot of mistakes along the way.

Most couples, however, don’t get that far. A woman who has never given herself permission to explore her own body might also be terribly intimidated to talk about the ins and outs (pun intended) of sex. If she doesn’t have a community around her which is helping her find the words to communicate her desires effectively to her husband, and if he is just as lost as she is, then their relationship will slowly spiral downwards. Pleasure for her becomes allusive or utterly absent and the desire for sex tapers off as the years go on. And if you have paid attention to my writings on sexless or sex-starved marriages, you know that this can have serious ramifications on their marriage. (http://erynfaye.com/oh-me-so-horny/)

Even if women in Group Two struggle with their communication (and let me say that talking about sex with our lover can be intimidating for the most knowledgeable of us), they at least know what works. This gives them a basis upon which they can nudge him in the right direction, drop hints, or even allow their husbands to watch and learn. These women have a target which is clearly defined; they have success in hitting that target, and just have to work towards training their husbands to hit it. The barriers to them experiencing pleasure in their relationship are not as numerous.

Are there parameters that I personally put on the masturbation exploration? Yes. I am not a huge fan of a woman (or a man for that matter) using porn to arouse themselves. I have seen far too many couples slide into an unhealthy need (some would even use the word addiction) for porn. I am a big believer that there are lots of other ways you can become aroused without the use of this risky behaviour.

However, outside of this little restriction, my advice is or those of you who want to figure things out, you have my permission: Go flick the bean.

Hint #5

Believe it or not, but self pleasure is a great way to have a first time orgasm for those having a hard time reaching that plateau.  It’s also a way to enhance your orgasms if you have a little more experience under your belt.  The reason is simple: if you don’t know how to give yourself pleasure, how do you expect to be able to tell your lover how to give you pleasure.  Being self aware in all areas of your life and body is beneficial to you.

How Much is TOO MUCH Sex?

How much sex is too much sex?   That could be a poll, but there would have to be too many answers listed - everyone would have a differing opinion on that question.  But it is a question that gets asked a lot.  It gets asked so often, that Douglas Brown decided to write a book on it

Douglas Brown, the author of the book Just Do It, and his wife committed to have sex 101 days in a row. You heard that right - 101 days in a row.  Excuses were not an option - they couldn’t whine about being tired, or the kids in the next room, or not being in the mood. They very simply did it.

When interviewed at the end of the their experiment, they said they were closer as a couple. They had deeper intimacy, better communication and more romance. Furthermore (and this is the part of the story that I find particularly interesting), they started paying more attention to their bodies.  They began to exercise and eat better.

I suppose this makes sense. If you are spending that much time naked, it would be natural to look at your body more often. The less covered up you are, the more you have to acknowledge yourself “au naturale”. And it got me thinking…summer has begun and we have turned our attention to all those bits that are bigger or flabbier or less toned than we want. What if we could get rid of those parts AND build intimacy with our spouse?

Here’s my challenge: Make a Sexy Summer Pact with your spouse.

Commit to having sex everyday until mid-August. If you start June 15th and go until August 15th, that is 62 days - far less that Douglas Brown and his wife, but long enough to give you a feel for what it is like to connect every day in a sexual way. How knows? Maybe you will like it so much you will go for the full 101 days!!

Now, I want to be clear about this challenge.  There are quite a few logistics to take into consideration (Mr. Brown had a prescription for Viagra filled as a “just in case” measure - I am not advocating that!!)

If you are going to take up the challenge, here are some considerations and logistics to think about:

• Define “sex” - Vaginal penetration is not necessary to count as “sex”. In fact, I would encourage you to learn to you satisfy each other in other creative ways too. Need suggestions to get started?

o    Hand jobs - use your hands to help each other reach climax
o    Oral Sex
o    Bedroom toys and vibrators can be used to reach orgasm
o    Mutual masturbation while looking into each other’s eyes
o    Skin Time - just get naked with each other and lay up against one another (Just don’t fall into the trap of only doing this one!!  You both really ought to orgasm - mutual satisfaction is always the goal.)

• Try different times of the day and locations to add variety and spice
• Load up on lubricant so that you can take advantage of a quick moment or for hand jobs or toys
• Use the challenge as an excuse to try new things in the bedroom and talk to each other about your secret fantasies
• If you are out of town and away from each other, substitute a sexy phone call…and see where that leads!
• NO EXCUSES!!!

I realize that there are those of us out there who have issues reaching orgasm - physically or psychologically.  This exercise is not intended to single you out or make you feel badly about yourselves or your situation, rather I would hope that this would be an opportunity for you to really explore your sexual relationship with your lover.  Talk, look, explore and learn about each other’s bodies in ways you never have.  The goal is building a whole new level of intimacy, so make sure that is your focus.

Regardless of whether you are motivated to take the pact because of the caloric burn, or the increase in intimacy, or merely because it sounds interesting, have fun!

One more thing…go make a reservation for a nice restaurant right now for August 15th. Book the babysitter too. The two of you can toast your Sexy Summer and discuss what you have both discovered about your relationship during your pact. Maybe you can take your measurements too and see how many inches you have burned off!!

How about it? Are you in? Let me know your feedback. I would love hear from the people who are taking up the challenge!

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Talking to my 5 year old…

Dear Eryn-Faye,

I really appreciate your what you are offering couples, families and individuals.

My wife and I are looking for some ideas/ advice about how to talk to our daughter.

She is 5 years old and for about 2 years (since she was about 3) we have noticed at times when she is bored/ alone in her room (as she has a younger brother who is 2 years younger), she “humps” her pillow or teddy bear. At first we thought nothing of it, and then we noticed that she would get quite red in the cheeks and was quite worked up. When we inquired what she was doing, she said it felt good. Understanding a bit about the way we’re built, we could see she was stimulating herself, and it felt good. This behavior has seemed to decrease (maybe we see her doing it once a month), but is still consistent to when she is in her room and “bored.”

I know there may be many thoughts on masturbation (which this might be defined as, but I would probably lean toward the definition of self-exploration, as she’s only 5).

So I struggle with dealing with her behavior or trying to figure out what to say, without making her think that her sexual feelings are bad (which I’m sure she doesn’t think these are sexual feelings).

How do we as a couple talk address this issue with her?

Advice? Books to read?

Allow me to say that I appreciate that you have decided to write, because it demonstrates that you are taking your role as a parent very seriously!

You have a wonderful opening to speak with your daughter about healthy sexuality. These conversations should take place throughout the rearing of the child in an age-appropriate manner, beginning with basic knowledge such as the proper names for anatomy and going from there. Most experts will tell us that if you have not initiated the concept of sexuality to your kids early on, they will hear about it on the playground from other children (albeit a very convoluted version). Proactive parents will take control of the message so that this topic is accurately presented to their children. I believe that, as parents, we have an amazing message to communicate to our children about how we were made.

The body is a magnificent design, and it is understandable and natural that we want to explore it. It is very common for little girls to “hump” things. I had one coaching client relay to me that her (probably very embarrassed) parents had to drag her out of church one day because she wouldn’t stop humping the church pew! (I bet you are breathing a sigh of relief right now that you aren’t dealing with that one!)  But I tell that anecdote mainly to let you know that your daughter is completely normal and that this is fairly ordinary behaviour.  We simply don’t talk about it publicly too often which can lead to concerns such as what you have.

As far as things you can do as a parent, considering your daughter’s age, you can explain that it is acceptable for her to explore in private but not in public. We use this same reasoning when we explain why we cover the areas of a bathing suit because these are the parts of our bodies that belong only to us and need to be kept private (understanding, of course, that mommy and daddy and doctors might touch those areas for health/hygiene reasons). Not only are you able to set the foundation for a series of conversations about sexuality and create a sense of openness about this topic but you will also be setting the groundwork for appropriate touch and “stranger-danger” conversations with your daughter.

I would also recommend that you and your wife construct your answer to THE QUESTION right now. (Meaning, “Where do babies come from?” or “What is sex?”) Decide together what you are going to say, and practice it together if this makes you more comfortable. At your daughter’s age, it is best to keep your answer simple, and having a book to illustrate your conversation is extremely helpful especially if some (or all) of these terms are new to your daughter.  Amazing You! Getting Smart about Your Private Parts by Gail Saltz and Lynne Avril Cravath is an excellent resource for your daughter’s age.  You can find it on Amazon here.

And the website Talking with Kids has some helpful hints on these discussions as well.

As a parent myself, I want to encourage you again.  Your desire to be proactive in your daughter’s life is exceptional.  Taking the time to ask questions -even when they are seen as “awkward” - is indicative of how seriously you take your parenting duties.  You have my deepest respect.  I wish that all parents were so willing to seek help and advice.

I hope you find these resources helpful! If you have any further questions or feedback for other parents, please feel free to write back at any time!

Warmly,
Eryn-Faye, Passion Coach