A week later, I am still quoting The Ugly Truth to anyone who will listen to me. Friends have heard the run-down and I have giggled with women at parties about it. In fact, I even found myself sharing a scene from the movie during a coaching session with a client.
In this scene, the leading man asks the leading lady how often she “flicks the bean”. She is horrified and tells him that she doesn’t do that. He responds, “If you don’t even want to have sex with you, what makes you think that he will want to have sex with you?”
Controversial? Maybe.
Crass? Probably.
Thought provoking? Definitely.
Here is what I have found in my coaching business. Women who refuse to touch themselves as they are growing up have much more difficulty in their sex lives than women who masturbated before marriage. Why? Because prior to their sexual relationship, women in the former group (Group One) don’t have a clue what turns them on, what type of touch they enjoy, and what brings them to orgasm. Women in the latter group (Group Two), by contrast, are experts on their own bodies before a man enters the picture.
Granted, there are definitely couples who successfully navigate the Group One’s lack of experimentation. They typically have excellent communication skills, a shared sense of adventure and a lot of self-confidence going into their relationship. They understand that they will be figuring this stuff out together and are not embarrassed to make a lot of mistakes along the way.
Most couples, however, don’t get that far. A woman who has never given herself permission to explore her own body might also be terribly intimidated to talk about the ins and outs (pun intended) of sex. If she doesn’t have a community around her which is helping her find the words to communicate her desires effectively to her husband, and if he is just as lost as she is, then their relationship will slowly spiral downwards. Pleasure for her becomes allusive or utterly absent and the desire for sex tapers off as the years go on. And if you have paid attention to my writings on sexless or sex-starved marriages, you know that this can have serious ramifications on their marriage. (erynfaye.com/oh-me-so-horny/)
Even if women in Group Two struggle with their communication (and let me say that talking about sex with our lover can be intimidating for the most knowledgeable of us), they at least know what works. This gives them a basis upon which they can nudge him in the right direction, drop hints, or even allow their husbands to watch and learn. These women have a target which is clearly defined; they have success in hitting that target, and just have to work towards training their husbands to hit it. The barriers to them experiencing pleasure in their relationship are not as numerous.
Are there parameters that I personally put on the masturbation exploration? Yes. I am not a huge fan of a woman (or a man for that matter) using porn to arouse themselves. I have seen far too many couples slide into an unhealthy need (some would even use the word addiction) for porn. I am a big believer that there are lots of other ways you can become aroused without the use of this risky behaviour.
However, outside of this little restriction, my advice is or those of you who want to figure things out, you have my permission: Go flick the bean.
Follow Us!