The Mystery Box Tour – Part Three

Exploring the Erotic

In this hilarious clip from the TV show, Two and a Half Men, Charlie and his fiancée reflect the predicament in which many couples find themselves after years together:

Why is it that the more we get to know each other, the most comfortable we become in our relationship, and the more intimacy we cultivate, the more our desire diminishes? You would think that as we draw closer and closer, we would have more and more desire. But instead, as we grow comfortable in our relationship, sex ebbs and we no longer take the care to bank our stream off the side of the toilet.

In her book, Mating in Captivity, Ester Perel describes the paradox of knowledge and mystery. I described this paradox as being the illegitimate love child of Mulder and Scully but I think Perel is a bit more articulate!

“Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energized by it. If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is about having; desire is about wanting. An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness. It is less concerned with where it has already been than passionate about where it can still go. But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire. They forget that fire needs air.”

When you hear this explanation of desire and the erotic, it is easy to see why we have these strong feelings during the infancy of our relationship. These were the days when all the things that make desire flourish reigned supreme. Everything was new and fresh, waiting to be explored. And then, as we got to know each other, this driving force stalled. We spent so much time together than very little was new. The paradox is that the deeper we grow in our intimacy with each other, the more elusive eroticism becomes.

Some couples believe this is how marriage is meant to be. They sacrifice the passion of eroticism for the comforts and security of knowledge of each other. In fact, sometimes they go to great lengths to explain away the loss of their eroticism. “That was immature love and does not compare to what we have together now”, they say. Is there truth in this statement? Somewhat. It is true that there is incredible bonding that happens when a couple builds years of history together. Our knowledge base of each other makes us phenomenal friends and partners. But it doesn’t necessarily make us phenomenal lovers.

When it comes to maintaining amazing sex over the years with your spouse, I tend to agree with JJ Abrams – “Mystery is the infinite potential and possibility. It is hope. It is the catalyst for imagination. There are times when it is more important than knowledge.” Actively recognizing and cultivating mystery in your marriage will help keep the spark alive over all those years.

The million dollar question, however, is, “How do I cultivate both intimacy and eroticism?”

Think on that one this week. Discuss it with your spouse. I have some tips and suggestions that I will give you next week.