Great sex starts with your mouth! No, I am not talking about oral sex (at least, not right now), but I am talking about communication!

Even though we are blitzed every day with media images about sex, we still have such a hard time talking about the details of sex particularly with our spouses! This is such a shame, because talking together builds intimacy which then spills over into the bedroom.

When was the last time the two of you talked about sex? I don’t mean when was the last time you fought about it. When was the last time you had a time where the two of you were alone, and were able to talk about what you love the most about your sex life together. Not sure where to start?

Here are some tips for talking about your sex life:

• Don’t do it in the bedroom. While giving feedback in the moment can be helpful in some circumstances, if that is the first time you have ever talked about sex, this could backfire on you! Instead, go out for coffee together or take a walk in the park, or have dinner, and talk about what you love. If you are nervous about it, jot down some notes before hand so you can read them to your spouse – or give them the list to read. Better yet, both of you can write out lists and then switch them over dinner.

• Ask open-ended questions. When is your favorite time of the day or night to have sex? Where is your favorite place to have sex? What is your “Top Five List” for best sex together? What is the most pleasurable way to orgasm? All of these questions are designed to just get you to start talking, so you don’t have to worry about answering them all at once. Consider this an opportunity to have multiple dates with your spouse.

• What you focus on will grow. Don’t spend your time talking about what doesn’t work; instead, talk about what does work. If one of you has a higher sex drive than the other (and contrary to cultural opinion, this can be either the man or the woman), then talk about the times you have had sex and what was pleasurable, enjoyable, and intimate about those times. Talk about what attracted you to each other in the first place. Discuss the love you feel for your spouse when he/she does . The more you focus on the positive aspects of your relationship, the more likely you are to recognize those things in your spouse.

And once you get the answers from your lover, make sure you incorporate them into your sex life. Does your spouse love deep kissing? Then remember back to the line from KD Lang’s song “Don’t kiss me like we’re married, kiss me like we’re lovers”. Put it into practice. Does your spouse love variety in the bedroom? Then surprise them with something new – research a new position, put new lighting in the room, pick a new place to have sex. Talking, listening, implementing – all of these are incredibly important to a great sex life!

More Questions to Open Up the Discussion on Sex

• When is your favourite time of the day or night to have sex?
• Where is your favourite place to have sex?
• What is your “Top Five List” for best sex together?
• What is the most pleasurable way to orgasm?
• What do you enjoy me doing the most?
• What body part do you enjoy me touching?
• Do you have any fantasies about sex?
• If so, what are they?
• What makes you feel most connected to me?
• What gets you horny?