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Perfectionism

I meet a lot of perfectionists in my line of work. Perhaps there is an unusually high correlation between perfectionism and sexual hang-ups.

Perfectionists do not like mistakes. They like to be correct all the time. There is no tolerance for error in a perfectionist’s world.

However, this is a problem in sexual relationship because good sex takes practice. Inherent in the concept of practice is the understanding that there is room to make mistakes. When you are “practicing”, mistakes are acceptable, permissible and even expected.

I have noticed that when perfectionists become extremely fearful of making mistakes, they give up all together. Perhaps they try a few times, realize that they are not living up to their own internal standards and then they give up. The worst culprits give up without even trying. They are terrified of mediocre and so they twist the old adage of  “If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well” to justify their inaction. And in doing so, they completely miss the value of battling through the awkward learning stage.

To combat the threat of perfectionism in our own household, I have a saying that I give to my young daughter, “We learn more from our failures than our successes.” Our failures are not just a vivid reminder that we are not perfect (which, as it turns out, is really ok); they also give us valuable clues as to the areas we need to adjust, change and grow in our lives so that we can be successful.

People who can grab onto this concept are high achievers.  Like perfectionists, high achievers have very high standards of what they want to accomplish in their lives. But unlike perfectionists, they embrace mistakes and failures as part of the normal learning process they must endure to get to greatness. They elicit and heed feedback because they can use the information to move past the awkward learning stage onto the skilled phase.

I met a high achiever this weekend at one of my Passion Salons. This woman shared that she had wanted to become better at oral sex. Now, I have met many women who realized they were not good at oral sex and so they just gave up. Instead, this woman asked her husband for feedback. What do you like? Is this working? What can I do to get better?

Unfortunately, her husband wasn’t particularly skilled at giving her the feedback she needed. Maybe he was embarrassed, maybe he preoccupied in the moment or perhaps he didn’t know the answer to her question! However, she wanted more information, so she rented a “how to” video and practiced her new learnings on her husband. He was thrilled. And when I met her, she had a confidence that emanated from her.

Here is a suggestion for you: try some “practice sex”. Set aside time when the two of you agree that you are going to practice something that you are not good at but you want to become more skilled. Allow for mistakes and mediocre sex during this time with a view that you need to go through the awkward to get to great.  Let go of your need to be right, or perfect or flawless.  Enjoy each other and the process and you’ll find that you really start to enjoy each other and the process!!

Hint #50

Send your lover over the moon with a humming good time.  Hum instead of lick while giving oral sex.  The added vibrations will send them into orbit!

Hint #37

Menthol is a natural and powerful orgasm booster.  Pop a couple of extra strength peppermints in your mouth while going down on your partner.  Guaranteed to shoot their pleasure sensors right through the roof!

Hint #21

Take your gal on a roller coaster ride while giving her oral pleasure.  First, build her steadily up to the brink of climax and keep her there for as long as possible.  Then, just when you think she’s going to peak, move your mouth away to another part of her body.   Now, do it all over again.  Guaranteed to give her an outrageous orgasm when you finally cave into her screaming demands.

Oral Sex Basics for Him

Recently, due to an excellent question from one of my clients, I wrote an article on the Oral Sex Basics for Her. And, since I am an equal opportunity Passion Coach, (and because I was besieged with demands from the men out there) it is only fair that I follow up with some Oral Sex Basics for Him.

Man with Head in Hands

Here are some facts about women that you may not know:

  • Women typically have a more difficult time coming to orgasm than a man does. It can take women 20-40 minutes to warm up enough to experience that plateau of pleasure. Men, on the other hand, can take much less time to have an orgasm. Rather than finding this gap of time to be a frustration, figure out some fun and effective ways to fill it.  (Sex is not a race to orgasm – if your mindset is “I won” than obviously your lover “lost”.)
  • 70% of women need clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. This means the vast majority cannot have an orgasm during penetration alone.  Oral sex is a phenomenal way to make sure that she is satisfied.  (And believe me, satisfaction is what you are aiming for here.)
  • The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings – that is a lot to be packed into such a small area!  (Take your time and think of it as a challenge to try and find them all.)

Ready for the tips? Here they are:

  1. Prep for the event. Husbands, make sure your facial hair is well groomed. If you shave, then make sure you have shaved recently. For women with a sensitive clitoris, coming in contact with stubble can be incredibly uncomfortable and might even bring the whole session to a screeching halt. Wives, you too can be well groomed. Many couples report that shaving her pubic hair, trimming it with electric clippers or having it waxed enhances the sensations and increases the pleasure for both man and woman.
  2. Remove the Barriers. Just as I recommended with the Oral Sex Basics for Her, most couples I meet are nervous about two things when I talk about oral sex: the smells and the taste. As such, I highly recommend that you begin with having a shower or bath together and incorporate soaping each other down into your foreplay. This ensures that you will not be sidelined by hygiene issues and it gets you warmed up (literally and figuratively). The sensation of the water, combined with the slickness of soap, is a great way to enhance the sense of touch. If you enjoy the warmth of the shower and don’t mind a bit of splashing, begin oral sex there!
  3. Take your time. Men, I cannot stress this enough – DO NOT go straight for the goods! Remember the tip above, that is takes women about 20-40 minutes to get warmed up enough to experience orgasm? If you stimulate her on the clitoris immediately, she will most likely get over-stimulated before she gets close to having an orgasm. Instead, spend time exploring the other areas of her body and enjoy kissing her before you even get close to her pelvic region. Not only will this build intimacy between the two of you, but it will also give her time to become aroused. When you do begin to kiss her vagina, pay attention to it in its entirety, not just the clitoris.  If sports metaphors help you, then remember that this not a sprint; (and no, this isn’t training for a marathon either)
  4. Don’t get a tongue cramp. Ok, I don’t know if you can actually get a cramp in your tongue. However, it is a muscle (actually a grouping of muscles), so I guess it is possible. In all seriousness, do a little experiment right now. Stretch your tongue all the way out of your mouth and hold it there for a minute. Feel tired? A lot of men make the mistake of sticking their tongue out as far as possible and then battering the clitoris back and forth with it. They get tired and their wives get annoyed.  Instead, think of oral sex as kissing your wife with your lips and use your tongue creatively.
  5. Use variety of touch. The tongue is an incredibly flexible muscle, so try flattening it out, making it thin, put light pressure on her and then firm pressure, licking with it slowly or flicking it quickly, draw figure 8’s, spell out words and find out what her favourite letter is.  If you can multi-task at this point, then use your hands to caress her legs, stomach, inner thighs. You can also take a finger or two and slip them inside of her vagina. (Keep a lubricant handy so that this is comfortable for her.)
  6. Try an edible. There are a number of topical creams and gels on the market which add a flavour to the experience as well as help augment the blood flow into the vaginal tissue which make arousal easier for a lot of women. They are great options for all couples who want to add a bit of fun to their experience, and they are especially good for couples who are concerned about the smells and tastes of oral sex.   Edibles can be used directly on the clitoris, but are not meant to be inserted in the vagina.  Please take care here – never use anything with oils or sugar in a woman’s vagina as it can lead to infections.
  7. Keep the rhythm. As your wife is getting close to orgasm, make sure you keep the pace and rhythm of what you are doing consistent. Nothing is worse for a woman than being on the verge of orgasm and then feeling the touch change to something that isn’t as pleasant! If your wife is responding to what you are doing, for goodness sakes don’t stop!
  8. Get feedback. Every woman is different in what type of sexual touch she prefers, and so to understand how your wife ticks and what makes her tingle, you are going to have to ask her. I can give you all the tips in the world, but if you don’t get feedback from your lover, you are never going to make it to Oral Sex Connoisseur status. Some women need the hood of the clitoris to be pulled back so that you can get direct stimulation on her clitoris, some women need the hood of the clitoris to keep it covered because direct stimulation can be painful, some women need a very firm touch, other women need a soft touch. If your wife has not yet discovered what type of touch she enjoys, then encourage her to be honest and learn together!

Got the Basics Down? Here are some other ideas to incorporate:

  • Hum while you are kissing her to create a new sensation.
  • Put an Altoid, a mint or small piece of ice in your mouth to create a cooling sensation.
  • Whisper in her ear how much you are going to enjoy licking her.
  • Let her know what you are going to do to her, and then delay the process by taking your time undressing her slowly.
  • Talk to her while you you are performing oral sex – tell her what you like about doing it and what you like about her.
  • Blindfold her and talk her through the entire experience without letting her “see” anything.
  • Add a bullet vibrator for some extra fun.

Oral Sex Basics for Her

A client recently asked me, “So how do I give oral sex to my husband?” Excellent question! If you google “give a man a blow job”, you are bound to end up with lots of information (or pictures or a virus) that you really don’t want.

Your friends may not feel comfortable giving you step by step instructions, especially when you and your husband are coming over for barbeque this weekend. Your mom probably dodged the question if you even had the courage to ask. And your husband – well – he is probably so concerned that he might somehow turn you off the idea completely that he is terrified to address the subject.

you want me to do what!?

So, let me help you out. Here is a run-down on the things that I have researched, heard about, and even run by my R&D department.

  1. Relax – Remember that oral sex is great foreplay for a man, even if you are intimidated at first to bring him to ejaculation orally. Oral sex is a skill set to be developed just like typing. When you first started typing, it felt awkward and strange learning to move your fingers to push the correct keys, but after time and practice, it became second nature. Practice the first few steps of this process and then add more steps until you are comfortable with finishing all of them.
  2. Communication – You should communicate clearly before you get started about your intentions so that he is not disappointed by unrealistic expectations (ie: “honey, I want to get better at this but I am going to start slowly and I may not be able to finish you off right away.”). Moreover, asking him what he likes about the idea of oral sex so that you can incorporate it. Every man is different in what he finds erotic and stimulating, so the very best oral sex is always based on what he likes.
  3. Getting Ready – You probably want to have a good lubricant on hand (a water-based, flavoured lubricant is best) so that you don’t have to be concerned about using only your own saliva during oral sex. This also removes the necessity of having your mouth to do all the stimulating of the shaft (aka “deep-throating”) because you can use your lubricated hand to slide up and down his shaft while your mouth is elsewhere!
  4. Removing Barriers – Most women I meet are nervous about two things when I talk about oral sex: the smells and the taste. We will talk about the latter in just a moment, but for the former I highly recommend that you begin with having a shower or bath together and incorporate soaping each other down into your foreplay. This ensures that you will not be sidelined by hygiene issues and it gets you warmed up (literally and figuratively). The sensation of the water, combined with the slickness of soap, is a great way to enhance the sense of touch. If you enjoy the warmth of the shower and don’t mind a bit of splashing, begin oral sex there!
  5. Getting Started – Begin exploring by kissing and stroking the head of the penis, the shaft, the scrotum, the perineum (this area between the anus and testicles is rich with nerve endings) – whatever you are comfortable with and he likes. As you feel comfortable, take the head of the penis into your mouth, lick and suck on it gently. As you get more coordinated, use your hand to stroke the shaft while your lips are paying attention to the top of his penis.
  6. “Don’t orphan the balls!” – This is one of my favourite quotes from a client who was chatting to his wife about oral sex. Oftentimes, women focus too much on the penis to the neglect of the scrotum and perineum and yet these area are full of sensitive nerve endings. You can get creative with your touch – vary it from a gentle to firmer massage to running your nails across him to a very wet, sloppy kiss.
  7. The Gag Reflex – As you get used to the sensation of having his penis in your mouth, you can take more in. If you have a sensitive gag reflex, go slowly and take your time.
  8. Maintaining Contact – It is the stoking action on the penis which will bring your husband to ejaculation, and as you become more adept at oral sex, you will be able to recognize the signs that this is about to happen. The most important part of the finish is that you don’t break contact as this is one of the most intimate parts of the lovemaking. If you are not comfortable with the concept of swallowing, then keep moving your hand up and down the shaft until it covers (gently) the tip of the penis. This area gets very sensitive after orgasm, so ask your husband how much pressure he likes while he is enjoying his orgasm.
  9. Getting Feedback – This might seem like the most awkward part of the whole experience, but it really is one of the essentials and it goes back to the emphasis that I put on communication earlier. Ask him what he liked and what you can do better next time. I am not suggesting that you ask him the moment that you two are finished being intimate. Wait a day or two and then ask. You will never become an expert at this (or anything in life) if you don’t elicit feedback and, frankly, he is the only one who can give it to you here. Understand that talking about sex can be the hottest thing in your sex life because it shows that you care about making it great, you are interested in what he thinks, and you are enthusiastic. And those are all great turn-on’s for a guy.

Got the Basics Down? Here are some other ideas to incorporate:

  • Look up into his eyes while you have his penis in your mouth.
  • Hum while you are sucking to create a new sensation.
  • Put an Altoid, mint or small piece of ice in your mouth to create a cooling sensation.
  • Whisper in his ear how much you are going to enjoy licking him.
  • Let him know what you are going to do to him, and then delay the process by taking your time undressing him and touching him first.
  • Add a bullet vibrator for some extra fun. Put the speed on low and tantalize his scrotum with it.

Eryn-Faye on Marriage Uncensored with Dave and Christie

On March 15th, Marriage Uncensored with Dave and Christie asked me to come on the show and talk to them about my role as Canada’s Passion Coach. They wanted the discussion to revolve around the kind of questions that I get asked “behind closed doors” by women and men. The episode is only 24 minutes long (half-hour show) but we cover a lot of ground! You can watch the entire show here. Hope you enjoy!



Watch Eryn-Faye on Marriage Uncensored in Celebrity & Showbiz | View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

Great Sex Starts With Your Mouth

Great sex starts with your mouth! No, I am not talking about oral sex (at least, not right now), but I am talking about communication!

Even though we are blitzed every day with media images about sex, we still have such a hard time talking about the details of sex particularly with our spouses! This is such a shame, because talking together builds intimacy which then spills over into the bedroom.

greatsexstartswithyourmouth_590x300

When was the last time the two of you talked about sex? I don’t mean when was the last time you fought about it. When was the last time you had a time where the two of you were alone, and were able to talk about what you love the most about your sex life together. Not sure where to start?

Here are some tips for talking about your sex life:

  • Don’t do it in the bedroom. While giving feedback in the moment can be helpful in some circumstances, if that is the first time you have ever talked about sex, this could backfire on you! Instead, go out for coffee together or take a walk in the park, or have dinner, and talk about what you love. If you are nervous about it, jot down some notes before hand so you can read them to your spouse – or give them the list to read. Better yet, both of you can write out lists and then switch them over dinner.
  • Ask open-ended questions. When is your favorite time of the day or night to have sex? Where is your favorite place to have sex? What is your “Top Five List” for best sex together? What is the most pleasurable way to orgasm? All of these questions are designed to just get you to start talking, so you don’t have to worry about answering them all at once. Consider this an opportunity to have multiple dates with your spouse.
  • What you focus on will grow. Don’t spend your time talking about what doesn’t work; instead, talk about what does work. If one of you has a higher sex drive than the other (and contrary to cultural opinion, this can be either the man or the woman), then talk about the times you have had sex and what was pleasurable, enjoyable, and intimate about those times. Talk about what attracted you to each other in the first place. Discuss the love you feel for your spouse when he/she does . The more you focus on the positive aspects of your relationship, the more likely you are to recognize those things in your spouse.

And once you get the answers from your lover, make sure you incorporate them into your sex life. Does your spouse love deep kissing? Then remember back to the line from KD Lang’s song “Don’t kiss me like we’re married, kiss me like we’re lovers”. Put it into practice. Does your spouse love variety in the bedroom? Then surprise them with something new – research a new position, put new lighting in the room, pick a new place to have sex. Talking, listening, implementing – all of these are incredibly important to a great sex life!

More Questions to Open Up the Discussion on Sex

  • When is your favourite time of the day or night to have sex?
  • Where is your favourite place to have sex?
  • What is your “Top Five List” for best sex together?
  • What is the most pleasurable way to orgasm?
  • What do you enjoy me doing the most?
  • What body part do you enjoy me touching?
  • Do you have any fantasies about sex?
  • If so, what are they?
  • What makes you feel most connected to me?
  • What gets you horny?

New at This

This question is about sexual intimacy in the marriage bed and is very descriptive ( I am a newly wed, and am very NEW at all this).

My question is simple – as a wife, I would like to have oral sex with my husband. but I am uncomfortable with the odors I have in my private parts, so I have refused him access to that area. I would like to offer this gift to him, so what products (edible oils, cleaning products) do you suggest I use to get rid of these odors?

I hope that wasn’t out of topic. I am new to this site, and I have not had the courage to ask this question to anyone so far…Thanks for your prompt reply!

Let me start by saying that I applaud you for having the courage to write this email, especially as you have just recently been married! Any questions about sex are extremely sensitive, and sometimes it is difficult to know who to ask. I have coached hundreds of women in the areas of passion, sensuality, and sexuality, and let me assure you that your question is very common – many women are nervous about the odors that they have in their genital area and this impacts their impression of oral sex.

Let me start answering your question by saying that very often, men are far less concerned about our odors than we are! We, as women, are very critical about our bodies (how they look, how they smell, how they taste, etc.) and this can impede the intimacy we have with our husbands. However, they usually don’t care at all – they are just ecstatic that we chose to be with them!

I would suggest that you take a shower or bath before you want to have oral sex with your husband. If you are planning to return the favour, ask him to do the same. In fact, showering together and soaping each other down might be a great way to start the foreplay! And while plain ole’ soap will do wonders to freshen both of you up, you could also use a scented body wash that both of you like. I personally think the Body Shop has an amazing line.

Another product that has a great reputation is called D’Lickious. This edible lotion can be put on his penis or your clitoral area (but do not put such items inside the vagina), and enhances oral sex by giving a warming or cooling sensation. As it is an edible, it also helps divert attention from any odors.

Finally, it is important to remember that oral sex, like all types of sex, is a skill set. It takes time of develop and perfect your technique. As you and your husband explore and discover what you each enjoy, you will expand this aspect of your sexual relationship and deepen the intimacy between the two of you.

If you have any other questions, please write again! In the meantime, enjoy your new explorations!!

Sincerely,

Eryn-Faye, Passion Coach