Hint #37

Menthol is a natural and powerful orgasm booster.  Pop a couple of extra strength peppermints in your mouth while going down on your partner.  Guaranteed to shoot their pleasure sensors right through the roof!

Personal Body Grooming

When I was in elementary school, I ran down the street to visit a girlfriend. Her mother opened the door dressed in her exercise gear. This was the age of the Jane Fonda Workout and doing aerobics videos at home was all the rage. I can only assume that the mother peeked through the peephole in her door and thought, “Oh, it is only Eryn-Faye” because I shudder to think that, given her state of dress, she would have opened it to just anyone. For even at my young age, my eyes were drawn to the bush which was popping out of both sides of her body-suit and I vividly remember thinking to myself, “Dear God, I will never let myself look like that!”

Being thoroughly scarred from that incident, I was always meticulous as a teenager to make sure that nothing escaped from my swimsuit when splashing around during the Texas summers. Bikini waxes or shavings were just a part of my regular grooming regime. However, I was well into my twenties before I realized that I could do more than just “edge the curb”, so to speak. People actually “mow the whole lawn”!

Here are some of the reasons why both men and women might want to look into more extensive body groming (FYI - men, we call this “man-scaping” for you):

• In today’s styles of skimpy bathing suits, shorts, workout clothes and even lingerie, clipping your pubic hair means that you don’t have to be worried about anything sticking out.  (and reading about it on someone’s website 30 years later)
• If you are concerned about hygiene issues, the idea of less hair is most likely very appealing.
• Oral sex is so much more enjoyable when your lover is well groomed.
• Intercourse takes on a host of new sensations when there is little or nothing as a barrier in between.
• Less hair means more to see, and this can be very exciting. Provided that the lights are on, of course.

If you decide to take the plunge, you have several options, three of which are the most popular:

Trimming - typically using scissors or a trimmer (hair or beard), this is an option that you can try at home. If this is your first time with a trimmer, start with a longer blade and then shorten it to the desired length. While it does not remove the hair completely, it does shorten the length and tidy up the area.

Pro’s - once you invest in a good pair or scissors or a trimmer, the procedure is cheap, easy and quickly done at home.

Con’s - you will never experience the smooth feeling of a shave or wax, and you will most likely have to finish up the more delicate areas with a razor.

Shaving - this is an exceedingly easy option as everyone keeps a razor in the house. Usually more than one. When shaving the pubic region, it is essential to have a sharp razor (brand new is best) and a good shaving cream or gel. If this is the first time to do any sort of upkeep in the pubic region, then you will want to trim the area first so that your razor isn’t dull by the time you get to the sensitive areas. Go slowly, and try not to shave over the same area multiple times so that you can avoid irritation to the skin. (If you need a great shaving cream which helps cut down on the irritation, try out Unisex Soft & Silky)

Pro’s - cheap, easy and quick to do. The only expense is making sure that you change out your razors regularly to ensure that they remain sharp. You will have the soft, smooth feeling immediately after shaving.

Con’s - in the early stages of re-growth, the hair is stubbly which can be uncomfortable. However, once you get past this stage (usually in a day or two) this discomfort abates.

Waxing - the key to getting a good wax job is finding someone who really knows what they are doing. My personal opinion is that this is not the type of service that you want to get at your local esthetics school where all the novices are trying their new found skill sets on you for a cheaper price. But that’s just me. I believe that in the world of pubic waxing, you get what you pay for. If possible, get a referral from a friend who has had a good experience. If not, make sure that the salon is reputable, clean, and that your esthetician has experience giving pubic waxes.

Most salons will give women several options including Brazilian waxing (a full removal of hair) or French waxing (a “landing strip” of hair is left remaining). Likewise, men have the option of going totally bald or just waxing portions of their pelvic region.

Pro’s - Since the hair is removed at the hair follicle, it takes longer to grow back in and when it does, it does not have the stubble which accompanies shaving. Some people claim that if you continue to wax, over time the hair also comes in thinner and thinner. Immediately following waxing, the area is completely soft and smooth.

Con’s - It can be a somewhat painful experience, although an experienced esthetician will keep this to a minimum and move the procedure along quickly so that the discomfort does not last for long. Furthermore, the process can be expensive depending on where you live (smaller towns which have fewer salons tend to up their prices for this specialty service). However, as I mentioned above, this is not a service you want to scrimp on the price. If it is worth doing, it is worth doing well.

At the end of the day, there are a lot of options out there so that you can keep your down below region well groomed. Which I am sure will make your lover very happy.   (And you won’t freak out elementary school kids either. Bonus.)

Hint #21

Take your gal on a roller coaster ride while giving her oral pleasure.  First, build her steadily up to the brink of climax and keep her there for as long as possible.  Then, just when you think she’s going to peak, move your mouth away to another part of her body.   Now, do it all over again.  Guaranteed to give her an outrageous orgasm when you finally cave into her screaming demands.

Consummation 101

Welcome back to class.  This will be our last day of class before you “graduate”.  Feel free to have a big party tonight, but don’t pass out invitations in class unless you are inviting everyone!

But before we get too far into the celebration mode, let’s not forget that we do have a class today.  And yes, as promised, this really will focus on the sexual aspect of relationships.  No guys, if you have been diligently and patiently doing all the homework with your lady, then today’s lesson is truly well earned.  If you have sulked through class doing the bare minimums…well, then quid pro quo should not surprise you in the least.  You get what you give…

That being said, ladies - those of you who think that communication is the end-all-be-all of intimacy and understanding each other, I point you to a universally respected philosopher, Plato who said:

You can learn more from someone in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.

Not the kind of thing you would expect to hear from the guy who wrote The Republic and lectured on metaphysics in ancient Greece is it?  But it is true.

Now, I have already received quite a few emails in anticipation of this particular article.  My favorite was a simple, short question that said, “Are you teaching how to have sex?”  This is a question that I get asked all the time - especially in social settings when somebody blurts out that I am a “passion coach for sex”.  There is that awkward silence where people take that in and process it.  I usually take a deep breath and try to explain why that statement is as wrong as it is right, but someone always asks the question, “do you teach people how to have sex?”

The short of it is of course, no.  This article is not going to be a “tab A - slot B” diagram.   The underlying cause in the dramatic rise in sexless marriages in North America is not a lack of understanding of how a penis and vagina connect together.  I have yet to have anyone come to me for help and say, “I keep hearing about this thing called sex, but I have no idea what it is or how it works.”

No, for most of us, sex gets lost in the clutter of daily life, or set aside because of physical or emotional issues.   And yet physical intimacy is as important to a strong relationship as commitment and communication.  And yes, I did just switch terms from sex to physical intimacy.  They are slightly synonymous.  Sex is always physical intimacy, but physical intimacy is not always sex.

Easy guys, I am not going to say that a good cuddle can take the place of sex on a daily basis.  I don’t believe that.  But I do think both are important.  One of the issues that we face in North American culture today is that we have become so focused on goal achievement.  Now, usually this is a very good thing.  But often our greatest strength can also be our greatest weakness.  In a sexual relationship “finishing” the task at hand as quickly and efficiently as possible is not the best approach.  (the occasional “quickie” notwithstanding of course, but a healthy relationship cannot exist only on “quickies”)

Remember back to the beginning of your relationship.  Was there a time when you couldn’t wait to have sex?  All you wanted to do was run your hands all over your lover’s body and explore every inch of them?  When simply stroking their skin would lurch you both to an almost overwhelming physical response?  When you would kiss for hours because you weren’t sure the two of you were ready to take the physical further?

Physical relationships always start somewhere.  Sitting next to someone and your legs touch.  Reaching for something at the same time and your fingers brush against each another’s.  Somewhere along the way all this accidental touching changes to be more intentional.   One of you, maybe both of you at the same time, reaches for the other’s hand - and you never stop holding hands after that.

The first hug - maybe stilted and done with one arm.  The eventually that becomes a two armed hug where you lean into each other and shoulders connect but a little kid could still walk between you while you hug.  And finally, there comes the full-frontal embrace.  Arms around each other, heads tilt to opposite angles and rest on each other shoulders.  Neck touches neck.  Chest touches chest.  Belly to belly, thigh to thigh and hands move slowly up and down the back - longing to go just a little lower.

Then the first kiss.  Maybe it starts as cheeks touching and you make a little kissing noise as you do it (how very European of you).  Then it will proceed to a quick lip to lip that barely gives you time to pucker, but you think about it for hours afterwards.  Eventually you work up to that first real kiss.  It might not last for hours - maybe it is under the porch light at the end of a great date.  The first real kiss.  You are looking right at each other and your eyes keep moving from their eyes to their lips, like an unspoken ask for permission.  Then you begin the long slow movement forward as you both realize that this is going to happen.  Your lips part just as you come together and your eyes close as you give yourself over to “the kiss.”

Once that seal is broken you are kissing all the time.  You find excuses to be together just so you can kiss again.   You can be on the phone together for hours, not talking, because all you really want to do is be close to them - and when you are, talking is not the highest priority on your list.

Remember those days?  Back then we were not in a sprint to the finish line.  Sure, we probably wanted to speed things up a bit, but we were never rushed.   And yet today we are overwhelmed with activities and responsibilities and physical intimacy doesn’t get the prioritization it deserves.  Ironically, it is often the very fact that we know we can “get it” anytime that induces us to put it off - often to the point that we never do.

We have to reprioritize our lives.  If we want our relationship to grow and thrive, and not be satisfied with it simply continuing to exist, then we need to get back to the basics.  Let’s build on the foundation that we have.  Those feelings and activities might be buried under years and years of distractions and actions, but if you dig down, you will find that foundation.

Yes, I understand that you are busy, that your life is hectic and that you run at a frantic pace.  I understand that you have kids and they have some kind of built in amorous radar that forces them to suddenly need your attention if you and your lover so much as exchange a meaningful gaze.  But I also know that your sex life is important.  That it needs and deserves time and attention.  You deserve some time and attention.

So find some alone time.  Call into work sick one day and stay in bed - together.  Get up REALLY early and learn to explore each other again.  Find a friend to watch the kids for a night - or even for a few hours.  Trade off with another couple - each of you can watch the other’s kids while you go out (or stay in) once a month.

And get back to basics.  When was the last time you climbed on the bed and kissed deeply and lost track of time in each other’s embrace?  When was the last time you gave each other an hour long sensual massage - making sure to touch every single part of your lover’s body?

My husband once told me that he had a basketball coach who enforced a very strict rule.  Every time they brought the ball down court, they had to pass the ball 4 times minimum before they were allowed to shoot.  Sounds crazy doesn’t it?  What if there was an open shot?  What if they had an easy lay-up?  Didn’t matter.  The rule was 4 passes first.  I will admit that I don’t know enough about basketball to understand his rationale, but I am going to steal his concept anyway.  Next time you have sex, put this rule in place:  No vaginal penetration and no orgasms for either of you until you have both gotten fully naked, kissed deeply for at least 10 minutes and touched every part of each other’s bodies.  This is not a fast break play (to stay with the basketball analogy).  You have to intentionally build up to sex.  Nothing is to be rushed along.

Here’s a quick quiz for you:

Men: do you know what it takes for your lover to have multiple orgasms?  Wouldn’t it be great to find out?  If she has had them before with you, what is the highest number of them she has ever had (and can you beat that number)?

Women: do you know how long your lover’s refractory period is? (The refractory period is the recovery phase after orgasm during which it is physiologically impossible for a man to have additional orgasms. It is also sometimes explained as the time immediately following orgasm during which a man cannot achieve an erection.)  The best part is that there is only one way to find out the answer to this particular question…

If you are going to commit to focusing on your sex life, start first by focusing on having sex.  But focus on the full experience of it - from initial arousal through the complete build up to each person’s orgasms, then (to steal a line from hair care products) rinse and repeat.  Make physical intimacy a priority - yes, that means that something else will be pushed down the priority list.  Then schedule ahead specific times where sexual intimacy becomes THE PRIORITY.   Plan ahead.   I know, scheduling sex might not sound  like the spontaneous love making that everyone on TV is having, but it is simply to help you gain perspective on its importance.  You aren’t scheduling the sex - just the time for it.  The sex can still be spontaneous, and in fact it should be.  If you schedule one night a month where you will have long, uninterrupted time for sex, then switch back and forth on who plans it.  Talk in between times about what you like and don’t like.  What you have tried and what you haven’t (but secretly always wanted to).  Find new favorite positions or fantasies.  Have some fun.

I have coached many many people who lost the fun in sex.  I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the statement, “sex just isn’t fun anymore.”  Don’t be afraid to laugh together in the bedroom, or the kitchen table or the shower or wherever you decide to consummate your relationship again.  Sex is fun.

If you have gotten this far in the class, then you understand how integral commitment and communication are to a relationship - now you’ll find out how consummation interweaves with them as well.  None of them are complete without all of them.

So go - kiss, hug, stroke, have sex.  You heard me.  Go on.  And, maybe you shouldn’t invite anyone else to your graduation party after all.  

How does oral sex fit into your lovemaking routine?

Oral Sex Basics for Him

Recently, due to an excellent question from one of my clients, I wrote an article on the Oral Sex Basics for Her. And, since I am an equal opportunity Passion Coach, (and because I was besieged with demands from the men out there) it is only fair that I follow up with some Oral Sex Basics for Him.

Here are some facts about women that you may not know:

• Women typically have a more difficult time coming to orgasm than a man does. It can take women 20-40 minutes to warm up enough to experience that plateau of pleasure. Men, on the other hand, can take much less time to have an orgasm. Rather than finding this gap of time to be a frustration, figure out some fun and effective ways to fill it.  (Sex is not a race to orgasm - if your mindset is “I won” than obviously your lover “lost”.)
• 70% of women need clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. This means the vast majority cannot have an orgasm during penetration alone.  Oral sex is a phenomenal way to make sure that she is satisfied.  (And believe me, satisfaction is what you are aiming for here.)
• The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings - that is a lot to be packed into such a small area!  (Take your time and think of it as a challenge to try and find them all.)

Ready for the tips? Here they are:

1. Prep for the event. Husbands, make sure your facial hair is well groomed. If you shave, then make sure you have shaved recently. For women with a sensitive clitoris, coming in contact with stubble can be incredibly uncomfortable and might even bring the whole session to a screeching halt. Wives, you too can be well groomed. Many couples report that shaving her pubic hair, trimming it with electric clippers or having it waxed enhances the sensations and increases the pleasure for both man and woman.
2. Remove the Barriers. Just as I recommended with the Oral Sex Basics for Her, most couples I meet are nervous about two things when I talk about oral sex: the smells and the taste. As such, I highly recommend that you begin with having a shower or bath together and incorporate soaping each other down into your foreplay. This ensures that you will not be sidelined by hygiene issues and it gets you warmed up (literally and figuratively). The sensation of the water, combined with the slickness of soap, is a great way to enhance the sense of touch. If you enjoy the warmth of the shower and don’t mind a bit of splashing, begin oral sex there!
3. Take your time. Men, I cannot stress this enough - DO NOT go straight for the goods! Remember the tip above, that is takes women about 20-40 minutes to get warmed up enough to experience orgasm? If you stimulate her on the clitoris immediately, she will most likely get over-stimulated before she gets close to having an orgasm. Instead, spend time exploring the other areas of her body and enjoy kissing her before you even get close to her pelvic region. Not only will this build intimacy between the two of you, but it will also give her time to become aroused. When you do begin to kiss her vagina, pay attention to it in its entirety, not just the clitoris.  If sports metaphors help you, then remember that this not a sprint; (and no, this isn’t training for a marathon either)
4. Don’t get a tongue cramp. Ok, I don’t know if you can actually get a cramp in your tongue. However, it is a muscle (actually a grouping of muscles), so I guess it is possible. In all seriousness, do a little experiment right now. Stretch your tongue all the way out of your mouth and hold it there for a minute. Feel tired? A lot of men make the mistake of sticking their tongue out as far as possible and then battering the clitoris back and forth with it. They get tired and their wives get annoyed.  Instead, think of oral sex as kissing your wife with your lips and use your tongue creatively.
5. Use variety of touch. The tongue is an incredibly flexible muscle, so try flattening it out, making it thin, put light pressure on her and then firm pressure, licking with it slowly or flicking it quickly, draw figure 8’s, spell out words and find out what her favourite letter is.  If you can multi-task at this point, then use your hands to caress her legs, stomach, inner thighs. You can also take a finger or two and slip them inside of her vagina. (Keep a lubricant handy so that this is comfortable for her.)
6. Try an edible. There are a number of topical creams and gels on the market which add a flavour to the experience as well as help augment the blood flow into the vaginal tissue which make arousal easier for a lot of women. They are great options for all couples who want to add a bit of fun to their experience, and they are especially good for couples who are concerned about the smells and tastes of oral sex.   Edibles like Tasty Tease or Pure Satisfaction can be used directly on the clitorus, but are not meant to be inserted in the vigaina.  Please take care here - never use anything with oils or sugar in a woman’s vagina as it can lead to yeast infections.
7. Keep the rhythm. As your wife is getting close to orgasm, make sure you keep the pace and rhythm of what you are doing consistent. Nothing is worse for a woman than being on the verge of orgasm and then feeling the touch change to something that isn’t as pleasant! If your wife is responding to what you are doing, for goodness sakes don’t stop!
8. Get feedback. Every woman is different in what type of sexual touch she prefers, and so to understand how your wife ticks and what makes her tingle, you are going to have to ask her. I can give you all the tips in the world, but if you don’t get feedback from your lover, you are never going to make it to Oral Sex Connoisseur status. Some women need the hood of the clitoris to be pulled back so that you can get direct stimulation on her clitoris, some women need the hood of the clitoris to keep it covered because direct stimulation can be painful, some women need a very firm touch, other women need a soft touch. If your wife has not yet discovered what type of touch she enjoys, then encourage her to be honest and learn together!

Got the Basics Down? Here are some other ideas to incorporate:

• Hum while you are kissing her to create a new sensation
• Put a small piece of ice in your mouth to create a cooling sensation
• Whisper in her ear how much you are going to enjoy licking her
• Let her know what you are going to do to her, and then delay the process by taking your time undressing her slowly
• Talk to her while you you are performing oral sex - tell her what you like about doing it and what you like about her
• Blindfold her and talk her through the entire experience without letting her “see” anything
• Add a bullet vibrator for some extra fun

I don’t want to appear like this article is exhaustive…feel free to add you own suggestions if you think I have overlooked something!

For those interested in the products mentioned in this article (edibles, bullet, or flavoured lubricants), I would be happy to discuss them with you and order them for you if you are interested.  Contact me here.

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Oral Sex Basics for Her

A client recently asked me, “So how do I give oral sex to my husband?” Excellent question! If you google “give a man a blow job”, you are bound to end up with lots of information (or pictures or a virus) that you really don’t want.

Your friends may not feel comfortable giving you step by step instructions, especially when you and your husband are coming over for barbeque this weekend. Your mom probably dodged the question if you even had the courage to ask. And your husband – well – he is probably so concerned that he might somehow turn you off the idea completely that he is terrified to address the subject.

So, let me help you out. Here is a run-down on the things that I have researched, heard about, and even run by my R&D department.

1. Relax - Remember that oral sex is great foreplay for a man, even if you are intimidated at first to bring him to ejaculation orally. Oral sex is a skill set to be developed just like typing. When you first started typing, it felt awkward and strange learning to move your fingers to push the correct keys, but after time and practice, it became second nature. Practice the first few steps of this process and then add more steps until you are comfortable with finishing all of them.
2. Communication - You should communicate clearly before you get started about your intentions so that he is not disappointed by unrealistic expectations (ie: “honey, I want to get better at this but I am going to start slowly and I may not be able to finish you off right away.”). Moreover, asking him what he likes about the idea of oral sex so that you can incorporate it. Every man is different in what he finds erotic and stimulating, so the very best oral sex is always based on what he likes.
3. Getting Ready – You probably want to have a good lubricant on hand (a water-based, flavoured lubricant is best) so that you don’t have to be concerned about using only your own saliva during oral sex. This also removes the necessity of having your mouth to do all the stimulating of the shaft (aka “deep-throating”) because you can use your lubricated hand to slide up and down his shaft while your mouth is elsewhere!
4. Removing Barriers – Most women I meet are nervous about two things when I talk about oral sex: the smells and the taste. We will talk about the latter in just a moment, but for the former I highly recommend that you begin with having a shower or bath together and incorporate soaping each other down into your foreplay. This ensures that you will not be sidelined by hygiene issues and it gets you warmed up (literally and figuratively). The sensation of the water, combined with the slickness of soap, is a great way to enhance the sense of touch. If you enjoy the warmth of the shower and don’t mind a bit of splashing, begin oral sex there!
5. Getting Started - Begin exploring by kissing and stroking the head of the penis, the shaft, the scrotum, the perineum (this area between the anus and testicles is rich with nerve endings) – whatever you are comfortable with and he likes. As you feel comfortable, take the head of the penis into your mouth, lick and suck on it gently. As you get more coordinated, use your hand to stroke the shaft while your lips are paying attention to the top of his penis.
6. “Don’t orphan the balls!” – This is one of my favourite quotes from a client who was chatting to his wife about oral sex. Oftentimes, women focus too much on the penis to the neglect of the scrotum and perineum and yet these area are full of sensitive nerve endings. You can get creative with your touch – vary it from a gentle to firmer massage to running your nails across him to a very wet, sloppy kiss.
7. The Gag Reflex - As you get used to the sensation of having his penis in your mouth, you can take more in. If you have a sensitive gag reflex, go slowly and take your time. For women with this issue – and I have met many of you – the topical gel “D’Lictious” gives a tingling sensation which helps to calm the gag reflex. Apply it on the penis and swallow a small amount before you get started.  Another option is to incorporate a GiGi into the act.  You can use it on the shaft of his penis and as it slides over the head he may not even know when the GiGi stops and your mouth begins!
8. Maintaining Contact – It is the stoking action on the penis which will bring your husband to ejaculation, and as you become more adept at oral sex, you will be able to recognize the signs that this is about to happen. The most important part of the finish is that you don’t break contact as this is one of the most intimate parts of the lovemaking. If you are not comfortable with the concept of swallowing, then keep moving your hand up and down the shaft until it covers (gently) the tip of the penis. This area gets very sensitive after orgasm, so ask your husband how much pressure he likes while he is enjoying his orgasm.
9. Getting Feedback – This might seem like the most awkward part of the whole experience, but it really is one of the essentials and it goes back to the emphasis that I put on communication earlier. Ask him what he liked and what you can do better next time. I am not suggesting that you ask him the moment that you two are finished being intimate. Wait a day or two and then ask. You will never become an expert at this (or anything in life) if you don’t elicit feedback and, frankly, he is the only one who can give it to you here. Understand that talking about sex can be the hottest thing in your sex life because it shows that you care about making it great, you are interested in what he thinks, and you are enthusiastic. And those are all great turn-on’s for a guy.

Got the Basics Down? Here are some other ideas to incorporate:

• Look up into his eyes while you have his penis in your mouth
• Hum while you are sucking to create a new sensation
• Put a small piece of ice in your mouth to create a cooling sensation
• Whisper in his ear how much you are going to enjoy licking him
• Let him know what you are going to do to him, and then delay the process by taking your time undressing him and touching him first
• Add a bullet vibrator for some extra fun. Put the speed on low and tantalize his scrotum with it

For those interested in the products mentioned in this article (D’Lictious, GiGi, bullet, or flavoured lubricants), I would be happy to discuss them with you and order them for you if you are interested.  Contact me here.

Eryn-Faye on Marriage Uncensored with Dave and Christie

On March 15th, Marriage Uncensored with Dave and Christie asked me to come on the show and talk to them about my role as Canada’s Passion Coach. They wanted the discussion to revolve around the kind of questions that I get asked “behind closed doors” by women and men. The episode is only 24 minutes long (half-hour show) but we cover a lot of ground! You can watch the entire show here, or download it and watch it later. You can even get the audio for your ipod. Hope you enjoy!

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Great Sex Starts With Your Mouth

Great sex starts with your mouth! No, I am not talking about oral sex (at least, not right now), but I am talking about communication!

Even though we are blitzed every day with media images about sex, we still have such a hard time talking about the details of sex particularly with our spouses! This is such a shame, because talking together builds intimacy which then spills over into the bedroom.

When was the last time the two of you talked about sex? I don’t mean when was the last time you fought about it. When was the last time you had a time where the two of you were alone, and were able to talk about what you love the most about your sex life together. Not sure where to start?

Here are some tips for talking about your sex life:

• Don’t do it in the bedroom. While giving feedback in the moment can be helpful in some circumstances, if that is the first time you have ever talked about sex, this could backfire on you! Instead, go out for coffee together or take a walk in the park, or have dinner, and talk about what you love. If you are nervous about it, jot down some notes before hand so you can read them to your spouse - or give them the list to read. Better yet, both of you can write out lists and then switch them over dinner.

• Ask open-ended questions. When is your favorite time of the day or night to have sex? Where is your favorite place to have sex? What is your “Top Five List” for best sex together? What is the most pleasurable way to orgasm? All of these questions are designed to just get you to start talking, so you don’t have to worry about answering them all at once. Consider this an opportunity to have multiple dates with your spouse.

• What you focus on will grow. Don’t spend your time talking about what doesn’t work; instead, talk about what does work. If one of you has a higher sex drive than the other (and contrary to cultural opinion, this can be either the man or the woman), then talk about the times you have had sex and what was pleasurable, enjoyable, and intimate about those times. Talk about what attracted you to each other in the first place. Discuss the love you feel for your spouse when he/she does . The more you focus on the positive aspects of your relationship, the more likely you are to recognize those things in your spouse.

And once you get the answers from your lover, make sure you incorporate them into your sex life. Does your spouse love deep kissing? Then remember back to the line from KD Lang’s song “Don’t kiss me like we’re married, kiss me like we’re lovers”. Put it into practice. Does your spouse love variety in the bedroom? Then surprise them with something new - research a new position, put new lighting in the room, pick a new place to have sex. Talking, listening, implementing - all of these are incredibly important to a great sex life!

More Questions to Open Up the Discussion on Sex

• When is your favourite time of the day or night to have sex?
• Where is your favourite place to have sex?
• What is your “Top Five List” for best sex together?
• What is the most pleasurable way to orgasm?
• What do you enjoy me doing the most?
• What body part do you enjoy me touching?
• Do you have any fantasies about sex?
• If so, what are they?
• What makes you feel most connected to me?
• What gets you horny?

New at This

This question is about sexual intimacy in the marriage bed and is very descriptive ( I am a newly wed, and am very NEW at all this).

My question is simple - as a wife, I would like to have oral sex with my husband. but I am uncomfortable with the odors I have in my private parts, so I have refused him access to that area. I would like to offer this gift to him, so what products (edible oils, cleaning products) do you suggest I use to get rid of these odors?

I hope that wasn’t out of topic. I am new to this site, and I have not had the courage to ask this question to anyone so far…Thanks for your prompt reply!

Let me start by saying that I applaud you for having the courage to write this email, especially as you have just recently been married! Any questions about sex are extremely sensitive, and sometimes it is difficult to know who to ask. I have coached hundreds of women in the areas of passion, sensuality, and sexuality, and let me assure you that your question is very common - many women are nervous about the odors that they have in their genital area and this impacts their impression of oral sex.

Let me start answering your question by saying that very often, men are far less concerned about our odors than we are! We, as women, are very critical about our bodies (how they look, how they smell, how they taste, etc.) and this can impede the intimacy we have with our husbands. However, they usually don’t care at all - they are just ecstatic that we chose to be with them!

I would suggest that you take a shower or bath before you want to have oral sex with your husband. If you are planning to return the favour, ask him to do the same. In fact, showering together and soaping each other down might be a great way to start the foreplay! And while plain ole’ soap will do wonders to freshen both of you up, you could also use a scented body wash that both of you like. I personally think the Body Shop has an amazing line.

Another product that has a great reputation is called D’Lickious. This edible lotion can be put on his penis or your clitoral area (but do not put such items inside the vagina), and enhances oral sex by giving a warming or cooling sensation. As it is an edible, it also helps divert attention from any odors.

Finally, it is important to remember that oral sex, like all types of sex, is a skill set. It takes time of develop and perfect your technique. As you and your husband explore and discover what you each enjoy, you will expand this aspect of your sexual relationship and deepen the intimacy between the two of you.

If you have any other questions, please write again! In the meantime, enjoy your new explorations!!

Sincerely,

Eryn-Faye, Passion Coach