Did you know that MEN fake orgasm too???
Ever since the famous scene in When Harry Met Sally, we have been culturally conscious of the fact that women can pull the wool over the eyes of their men. However, new studies are now debunking the myth that only women engage in this sort of activity.
According to the November issue of the Journal of Sex Research, 25% of the men in their study confessed to pretending to orgasm. Askmen.com also did a survey of 100,000 men in which 14% admitted that they had done it once and a further 16% said they had done it multiple times.
But how? This seems to be the question that immediately comes to everyone’s mind.
If you think about it, in the day in which condoms and lubricants are prevalent, it would be easy to cover up the (lack of) evidence. If you throw in the fact that most women are not checking to see if their partners are faking it – because, let’s be honest, how many are – it would be relatively easy for the guys to pull off.
Why would a guy fake it? Simply put, for the same reason a woman does. The study published by the Journal of Sex Research stated that the most frequently cited reasons were:
- they wanted sex to end
- they knew that orgasm was probably not going to happen and faking it seemed like an easy way to “finish”
- they wanted to demonstrate to their partners that it was good for them too
- they didn’t want to hurt their partners’ feelings
Very often, we assume that men are always willing and eager to have sex and overlook the fact that they might be tired, or stressed or simply not in the mood. Just like many women.
But the typical response for women who find out that their husband is not automatically ready to go or cannot achieve orgasm is to assume that something is wrong with them. “Is he getting it somewhere else? Am I too fat? Am I not good enough?” are the some of the myriad of thoughts that float through their minds.
Perhaps. But it is much more likely that there is something else in play. Here are some of the common reasons why men have difficulty achieving orgasm:
- SSRI Drugs (Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, etc.). These are prescribed for issues such as depression, anxiety and insomnia. A very simplistic explanation of how these drugs work are that they keep more serotonin in your system (the happy, feel-good hormone). This is excellent news when you are dealing with depression. However, the nasty little side-effect is that this increase in serotonin actually suppresses your dopamine levels (which stimulate your sex drive). The end result is that you might have lower libido, it might take you longer to achieve orgasm or you may be unable to orgasm.
- Erectile Drugs (Viagra, Levitra, Cialis, etc.). If you think about it logically, these drugs are a result of the industry that has grown in response to our demand to perform anytime, anywhere. We make jokes about the common disclaimer – “seek medical attention if you experience an erection lasting more than four hours” – but the fact of the matter is that we expect these drugs to make us a sex GOD. But what happens when you are not in the mood? Physiologically, you have all the tell-tale signs that you are aroused, but what if you are not completely there? For men who find themselves in this predicament, achieving orgasm might not be as easy as they had anticipated.
- Alcohol (Beer, Wine, Spirits etc.). In my practice, I find that this is the most common drug that affects orgasm. Alcohol actually inhibits testosterone and this can result in lower libido, decreased arousal and delayed ejaculation.
- Porn (pictures, video, etc.). One of the issues that is becoming more and more prevalent in the field of sex therapy, is dealing with men who have turned to porn, thinking that it would give them a good sexual education. Bombarded with these images of completely unrealistic sex, genuine intimacy with a flesh-and-blood woman can become increasingly difficult. Remember the Sex and the City episode wherein Miranda dates a guy who cannot have sex unless there he is also watching porn? When she makes him choose between her and the movies, he chooses porn because “those girls have been with me longer than you have.” This might be a humorous depiction of the issue on screen, but is very serious when it is happening in your own house.
- Life. As I mentioned before, men’s sex lives are affected by stress, their jobs, their bank balances, their sleep patterns, any number of medical issues, emotional interaction with their wives and a whole host of other reasons.
So what if you are caught in the trap of faking it? The first time you faked it, it was probably to alleviate the pressure you were feeling in the moment. But now, you are under even more pressure to keep up the act and this can get very old, very fast.
Here is my advice.
Yes, that’s right.
Instead of devising ways to pull off the deception, view this as an opportunity to learn together and make your sex life better. You have the information now about the causes for your lack of orgasm as well as some of the feelings that your wife is probably going to have when you tell her, so you will have a little more (intelligent) communication points for the conversation that will inevitably happen.
Here is what I want everyone to remember: change is inevitable in your sex life. Inability to orgasm is just one of those possible changes. It is guaranteed that your body will change as the years go by, and your perspectives will most likely shift as well. If you do not have open and honest communication with your spouse, things will fall apart. You will find yourself with a spouse who is doing things that were awesome five years ago, but aren’t so hot anymore. Or you will find yourself hiding more and more instead of becoming more and more intimate. This does not make a fabulous sex life.
So have the conversation and devise a strategy of dealing with the issue. Perhaps you can go to your doctor and find something that is effective for your condition but does not have the sexual side-effects. Perhaps you can develop ways to lengthen the amount of foreplay so that you can really be aroused. Perhaps you need to lay off the booze.
And if you are the woman who is finding out that her husband has been faking it, don’t be defensive. Just listen. And then seek solutions together.
Sometimes an independent perspective can helpful. If you need a Passion Coach, then contact me for some extra help.
That’s what I am here for!