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Do Men Fake Orgasms?

Did you know that MEN fake orgasm too???

Ever since the famous scene in When Harry Met Sally, we have been culturally conscious of the fact that women can pull the wool over the eyes of their men. However, new studies are now debunking the myth that only women engage in this sort of activity.

According to the November issue of the Journal of Sex Research, 25% of the men in their study confessed to pretending to orgasm. Askmen.com also did a survey of 100,000 men in which 14% admitted that they had done it once and a further 16% said they had done it multiple times.

But how? This seems to be the question that immediately comes to everyone’s mind.

If you think about it, in the day in which condoms and lubricants are prevalent, it would be easy to cover up the (lack of) evidence. If you throw in the fact that most women are not checking to see if their partners are faking it – because, let’s be honest, how many are – it would be relatively easy for the guys to pull off.

Why would a guy fake it? Simply put, for the same reason a woman does. The study published by the Journal of Sex Research stated that the most frequently cited reasons were:

  • they wanted sex to end
  • they knew that orgasm was probably not going to happen and faking it seemed like an easy way to “finish”
  • they wanted to demonstrate to their partners that it was good for them too
  • they didn’t want to hurt their partners’ feelings

Very often, we assume that men are always willing and eager to have sex and overlook the fact that they might be tired, or stressed or simply not in the mood. Just like many women.

But the typical response for women who find out that their husband is not automatically ready to go or cannot achieve orgasm is to assume that something is wrong with them. “Is he getting it somewhere else? Am I too fat? Am I not good enough?” are the some of the myriad of thoughts that float through their minds.

Perhaps. But it is much more likely that there is something else in play. Here are some of the common reasons why men have difficulty achieving orgasm:

  1. SSRI Drugs (Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, etc.). These are prescribed for issues such as depression, anxiety and insomnia. A very simplistic explanation of how these drugs work are that they keep more serotonin in your system (the happy, feel-good hormone). This is excellent news when you are dealing with depression. However, the nasty little side-effect is that this increase in serotonin actually suppresses your dopamine levels (which stimulate your sex drive). The end result is that you might have lower libido, it might take you longer to achieve orgasm or you may be unable to orgasm.
  2. Erectile Drugs (Viagra, Levitra, Cialis, etc.). If you think about it logically, these drugs are a result of the industry that has grown in response to our demand to perform anytime, anywhere. We make jokes about the common disclaimer – “seek medical attention if you experience an erection lasting more than four hours” – but the fact of the matter is that we expect these drugs to make us a sex GOD. But what happens when you are not in the mood? Physiologically, you have all the tell-tale signs that you are aroused, but what if you are not completely there? For men who find themselves in this predicament, achieving orgasm might not be as easy as they had anticipated.
  3. Alcohol (Beer, Wine, Spirits etc.). In my practice, I find that this is the most common drug that affects orgasm. Alcohol actually inhibits testosterone and this can result in lower libido, decreased arousal and delayed ejaculation.
  4. Porn (pictures, video, etc.). One of the issues that is becoming more and more prevalent in the field of sex therapy, is dealing with men who have turned to porn, thinking that it would give them a good sexual education. Bombarded with these images of completely unrealistic sex, genuine intimacy with a flesh-and-blood woman can become increasingly difficult. Remember the Sex and the City episode wherein Miranda dates a guy who cannot have sex unless there he is also watching porn? When she makes him choose between her and the movies, he chooses porn because “those girls have been with me longer than you have.” This might be a humorous depiction of the issue on screen, but is very serious when it is happening in your own house.
  5. Life.  As I mentioned before, men’s sex lives are affected by stress, their jobs, their bank balances, their sleep patterns, any number of medical issues, emotional interaction with their wives and a whole host of other reasons.

So what if you are caught in the trap of faking it? The first time you faked it, it was probably to alleviate the pressure you were feeling in the moment. But now, you are under even more pressure to keep up the act and this can get very old, very fast.

Here is my advice.

Stop.

Yes, that’s right.

Stop.

fake-it

Instead of devising ways to pull off the deception, view this as an opportunity to learn together and make your sex life better. You have the information now about the causes for your lack of orgasm as well as some of the feelings that your wife is probably going to have when you tell her, so you will have a little more (intelligent) communication points for the conversation that will inevitably happen.

Here is what I want everyone to remember: change is inevitable in your sex life. Inability to orgasm is just one of those possible changes. It is guaranteed that your body will change as the years go by, and your perspectives will most likely shift as well. If you do not have open and honest communication with your spouse, things will fall apart. You will find yourself with a spouse who is doing things that were awesome five years ago, but aren’t so hot anymore. Or you will find yourself hiding more and more instead of becoming more and more intimate. This does not make a fabulous sex life.

So have the conversation and devise a strategy of dealing with the issue. Perhaps you can go to your doctor and find something that is effective for your condition but does not have the sexual side-effects. Perhaps you can develop ways to lengthen the amount of foreplay so that you can really be aroused. Perhaps you need to lay off the booze.

And if you are the woman who is finding out that her husband has been faking it, don’t be defensive. Just listen. And then seek solutions together.

Sometimes an independent perspective can helpful.  If you need a Passion Coach, then contact me for some extra help.

That’s what I am here for!

University of Indiana Sex Study

The University of Indiana recently published its findings in the most comprehensive sex study that has been conducted in years. The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior surveyed the sexual experiences and condom usage of nearly 6,000 people from the ages of 14-90. Some interesting findings:

  • People over the age of 40 were least likely to use a condom of all the age groups.
  • 85% of men report that their partner had an orgasm in their last sexual encounter, but only 64% of women claim that they did indeed have an orgasm. (There’s a pretty big discrepancy here, guys.)
  • Condom usage didn’t inhibit the sexual pleasure of most adults.

Want to know more? Read more about the survey here.

Are you surprised to learn that adults over 40 are the least likely to use a condom?  Thoughts?

Hint #52

Bring some yoga into your love life.  Build to orgasm with the lotus position: he sits upright with his legs bent at the knees, but wide apart.  She sits on top of him with legs over his.  Now, move together in a rhythmic and slow fashion while concentrating on breathing in unison.

Perfectionism

I meet a lot of perfectionists in my line of work. Perhaps there is an unusually high correlation between perfectionism and sexual hang-ups.

Perfectionists do not like mistakes. They like to be correct all the time. There is no tolerance for error in a perfectionist’s world.

However, this is a problem in sexual relationship because good sex takes practice. Inherent in the concept of practice is the understanding that there is room to make mistakes. When you are “practicing”, mistakes are acceptable, permissible and even expected.

I have noticed that when perfectionists become extremely fearful of making mistakes, they give up all together. Perhaps they try a few times, realize that they are not living up to their own internal standards and then they give up. The worst culprits give up without even trying. They are terrified of mediocre and so they twist the old adage of  “If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well” to justify their inaction. And in doing so, they completely miss the value of battling through the awkward learning stage.

To combat the threat of perfectionism in our own household, I have a saying that I give to my young daughter, “We learn more from our failures than our successes.” Our failures are not just a vivid reminder that we are not perfect (which, as it turns out, is really ok); they also give us valuable clues as to the areas we need to adjust, change and grow in our lives so that we can be successful.

People who can grab onto this concept are high achievers.  Like perfectionists, high achievers have very high standards of what they want to accomplish in their lives. But unlike perfectionists, they embrace mistakes and failures as part of the normal learning process they must endure to get to greatness. They elicit and heed feedback because they can use the information to move past the awkward learning stage onto the skilled phase.

I met a high achiever this weekend at one of my Passion Salons. This woman shared that she had wanted to become better at oral sex. Now, I have met many women who realized they were not good at oral sex and so they just gave up. Instead, this woman asked her husband for feedback. What do you like? Is this working? What can I do to get better?

Unfortunately, her husband wasn’t particularly skilled at giving her the feedback she needed. Maybe he was embarrassed, maybe he preoccupied in the moment or perhaps he didn’t know the answer to her question! However, she wanted more information, so she rented a “how to” video and practiced her new learnings on her husband. He was thrilled. And when I met her, she had a confidence that emanated from her.

Here is a suggestion for you: try some “practice sex”. Set aside time when the two of you agree that you are going to practice something that you are not good at but you want to become more skilled. Allow for mistakes and mediocre sex during this time with a view that you need to go through the awkward to get to great.  Let go of your need to be right, or perfect or flawless.  Enjoy each other and the process and you’ll find that you really start to enjoy each other and the process!!

Hint #50

Send your lover over the moon with a humming good time.  Hum instead of lick while giving oral sex.  The added vibrations will send them into orbit!

Hint #49

Ever thought of flexing a little muscle in the bedroom?  Clench your buttocks and upper thigh muscles before making out.  It helps increase the blood flow to your pelvic area and sensitivity of your genitalia.

Hint #48

Breathing is one of the key factors to having a great orgasm.  The faster you breathe, the more excited you get.  The more excited you get, the bigger the orgasm.  Use breathing to control your pleasure journey.  Breathe through your nose to relax the body.  Then, as your excitement builds, switch to breathing through your mouth.  Increase and decrease the speed of each breath according to your level of arousal.

The Notebook

Taking my daughter to ballet classes is one of those love-hate jobs for me.  She’s a 5 year old, and I am under no illusions about the talent level in her class.  It is cute.  Seriously cute…but at the end of the day it’s cute.  That being said, there are just some days that I have had all the cute I can handle…today was one of those days.  I brought my computer with me and put my head down to get some work done.

“So what do you do?”

It was an innocent question that completely interrupted my train of thought.  I looked up, smiled politely and internally braced myself.  There are times that I hate that question. Don’t get me wrong…I love what I do, but it’s an awkward answer for some people, and I did not know this lady and could not have guessed how this was going to go.

So, I took a breath and said, “I am a Passion Coach. I coach couples on their sex lives.” Then I smiled.

“Their what?”

At this point, I was really hoping it was the dull roar of casual conversations in the room that prompted her to ask me to repeat myself. I widened my smile. “Their SEX lives.”

Her eyes lit up. “OH! If I had met you two weeks ago, I would have needed to come to you for coaching!”

And then she proceeded to tell me about her sex life. (Believe it or not, this is the response that I look forward to most – it’s much better than the startled and horrified look that some give me as they shuffle away.)

The reason she no longer “need to come to me for coaching’ is because she had an “ah-ha moment” while watching the movie, The Notebook.

I was completely enthralled in her story, partly because I think the movie is brilliant. I love the story as it is told from the perspective of an elderly man who is telling a “love story” to his wife with Alzheimer’s. I love the passion of a young couple who truly do defy all the odds to make their relationship last the test of time.  It’s a great movie.

But, even as a big fan, I was a little bit baffled as to how it could radically change the sex life of a woman who had been married for 10 years.

She began to explain to me that as the story unfolded, she noticed that the two lovers were never burdened by the need to do the dishes. Or clean the house. Or tend to the children. Or mow the lawn. Without these cluttering details, she just saw the passion.

Now many people might see the same logistical details lacking in the movie, and think to themselves, “Well, that is such a fairy tale. See, she didn’t even have to do housework!” That kind of cynicism would miss the moral of the story on which this woman focused.

“They are totally different things!” She said proudly. “Passion and the little details of life have nothing to do with each other!” She then proceeded to tell me how she had decided, after watching the movie, to put all the little annoyances on the back burner when it came to having sex with her husband. It used to be that if he failed to help around the house, he would be “cut off”. If he didn’t pitch in with the kids – cut off.

But, under these circumstances, how were they ever going to have sex? “It could be a year!” She said.

After this little revelation, she decided to have sex with him regardless of what had happened during the day. They had sex so often, in fact, that one evening he said he was too tired and begged off for the night. “I can’t remember the last time THAT happened.” In the meantime, she found that he was helping around the house more and he was willing to pitch in with the kids.  It was clear she was a happy woman.
What she had stumbled upon was a principle that I preach to women far and wide. Men, when they are taken care of sexually, become more involved around the house. They become more attentive. They are more pleasant to live with.

Believe it or not, there is science to back this up. As women, we naturally have more oxytocin (the bonding hormone) in our systems. Call it part of our nature – we are built to bond. But there is one time that men can match us in the amount of oxytocin. It is right after orgasm.

Men feel closer to us when they have had sex.

So why would we withhold sex from them because they aren’t being emotionally close to us? It doesn’t make any sense. It is a chicken vs. egg argument which has disastrous consequences.

“It just wasn’t working.” The woman concluded. So she found a way to make it work for them.  Sometimes people need to hear this truth over and over again before it starts to sink in.  This lady just had to watch The Notebook.

Today, ballet class was the highlight of my day.

Hint #47

It’s easy to think that an orgasm is something that just happens.  However, it takes a little know how and practice to control your pleasure center.  Don’t be afraid to take control of your own pleasure.

Hint #46

If your relationship is a little lack-luster these days, work a little shine back into it with a toy.  Let a vibrator be a buzzing addition between your sheets.  Use it to massage, tickle, tease and delight.