The Flat Tire

Last week, when I was driving Riley to school, I heard a weird noise coming from the wheel well that even I, who is not in any way mechanically inclined, knew was not a good sign.

I pulled over at the next safe place and got out of the car to inspect the damage. Sure enough, the wheel was flat. Making a quick phone call to the school to tell them that Riley would be late was easy. Figuring out how to proceed was more difficult. Eric was out of town, and (to be brutally honest) I forgot in the panic of the moment that we had Roadstar Assistance because I have never used it before.

I did briefly consider changing it myself. To my father’s defense, he had taught me how to change a tire as one of the rites of passage that every teenage girl should undergo. But that was back in high school (eons ago) and I knew for a fact that my tires had been put on with pneumatic tools. Even if I could remember what to do, I seriously doubted that I had the strength to do it.

Even though he was far away, Eric did prove to be extraordinarily helpful. He hopped on the internet and got me the name and number of our tire shop and recommended I call them. When the man picked up the phone, I threw myself on his mercy. I played the “husband out of town” and “five-year-old in the backseat” cards like a champ.

“Where are you?”, he asked after he had explained that he probably couldn’t help because he had a guy out sick and another out of the shop. When I told him, he said, “Hang on, I think my guy is two blocks from you!” Sure enough, my knight in shining armor (or at least a ball cap and big truck) showed up five minutes later.

Within moments, he had the spare on my car and was heading back to the shop to start fixing my tire. The problem? It had gotten screwed. Literally. Evidently, I had run over the screw at one of the many construction sites around our house. What a humorous way to start the day.

You might be wondering how this story has anything to do with passion. Here’s the deal: I had rushed out of the house that morning without any makeup on. To you, that might not be a big deal. In fact, that might be how you start every morning (especially if you are a reader of the male persuasion). But I grew up in Texas. And Texan women of my generation don’t go to the grocery store to pick up a gallon of milk without putting on makeup. It’s just what we do.

As a result of this upbringing, there are at most 3 times a year that I will venture out without a full complement of makeup. This was one of those times…and I got caught with a flat tire. I felt decidedly unattractive.

The gentlemen at the tire store didn’t seem to notice. I suppose the fact that I live in British Columbia, wherein makeup is definitely optional, made me blend in better.

The next day, I went back to the tire shop to get my winter tires removed (which technically was before the official start of summer, so I felt okay about that). Since I had clients to meet and things to do, I looked, well, normal. When I eneterd the store, the guy at the front desk looked somewhat surprised and said, “You look different today.” I responded, “You caught me on a bad day yesterday.” And then he said something that amazed me, “Funny, I thought I caught you on a great day.”

Now, he could have been being kind. After all, they do give superb customer service at this shop (as evidenced by my rescue the day before) and so maybe it is second nature to assuage the embarrassment of female patrons.

Or maybe he was telling the truth. Maybe how I see myself isn’t how others see me. Maybe what I personally find “attractive” doesn’t register as necessary or even as “attractive” for others.

When I am teaching clients on the importance of attractiveness, I always stress how important it is to ask your spouse what s/he finds attractive. Taking care of yourself and putting effort into how you appear is important to keep the passion alive in your relationship but how this looks is different to everyone. You could spend hours of time on something that you think makes you look hot but your spouse doesn’t give a rip. In that process, you might be overlooking what really matters to him/her. So, how do you know for sure? Ask.

All things considered, I am glad that I had a flat that day. I was able to experience, with fresh eyes, things that I tell my clients.  And if you’re going to be wrong about something, being seen as attractive when you don’t think you are is a pretty decent thing to be wrong on.  Maybe I don’t always have to be right!!

What about you?   Are you sure you know what your lover finds attractive?

Three Steps to Cultivating the Erotic

I know I left you with a bit of a cliff-hanger last week. But I wanted you to have some time to truly ponder the weight of what I was suggesting. Allow me to now fill in some of the blanks for you. The very elements of mystery - the unknown, the uncertain, the ill-defined - are the places in which eroticism flourishes. The self-help guru Anthony Robbins says that the amount of passion in your relationship is directly proportional to the amount of uncertainty you can tolerate. Most of us like to play it safe, so once the first blush of love has subsided, we experience very little eroticism.  Often we feel a bit like the folks in this comic my husband found me - written and drawn by Jeph Jacques.

Here are a few things that eroticism needs in order to survive in your relationship:

1. Eroticism needs separateness.

Never before in history has there been so much pressure on relationships as there is in North America today. My husband and I saw how deeply engrained our own cultural biases were when we lived in Kathmandu, Nepal. We quickly came to realize that marriages such as our own were termed “love marriages” and they were actually looked down upon! This was quite a shock to us until we learned the rationale behind the distain.

Many of the older generation had the foresight to realize that the young couple, acting on a rush of hormones and endorphins, would not have sufficient wisdom to make a life-long choice of a spouse. The older generation expected that love would grow over the years of participating together in the daily duties of life. Financial stability, genetic compatibility, the support of a wider community, etc. rather than love were the hallmarks of a good match.

Now, before we get too critical of the pitfalls of that culture, let’s take a look at our own. Today, we put tremendous pressure on our spouses. We expect romance, deep understanding of our wants and needs, spiritual alignment, friendship (indeed the closest of friendship), passion, and agreement in parenting styles. This list goes on and on. We have, in essence, taken the admonition that “the two will become one” and interpreted it as complete and total enmeshment. I personally believe that our divorce rates are a reflection of the fact that our marriages are buckling under the strain of these ludicrously high expectations.

And yet, if we are to experience the erotic in our relationships, we have to give room to the fact that our spouse is indeed a separate person, whose fantasies and sexual tastes and desires might be very different than our own. When we embrace this separateness and allow it room in our relationship, the erotic has space to breathe.

I recently had a client tell me a story about her husband. One day, while away on a business trip, he had confessed to her that he had a secret fetish. On the surface, this was completely outside of her paradigm, but she realized that it wasn’t anything which violated her core values in the marriage. So instead of feeling threatened and responding with ridicule (such as “That is so strange and I really don’t want to have anything to do with it.”), she embraced the concept that her husband was a separate person, unique in his tastes and proclivities, and she told him she would be delighted to explore this avenue with him. The irony was that when she acknowledged and affirmed his individuality within the context of their relationship, their intimacy flourished.

Why do many people push back from the concept of separateness in marriage? I believe it has a lot to do with fear. If I accept that you are a separate individual, you might ask me to do something that is outside my own personal comfort zone, you might not want me, or you might define yourself differently than I do. Which leads me to my second point.

2. Eroticism needs fresh eyes.

Many of the couples I meet take a tremendous amount of pride in the fact that they “know” each other. This is a wonderful sentiment when it creates warmth and fondness and a sense of shared history in the relationship.

It can backfire on us though. When we become so secure in our belief that we “know” our spouse, we can stop looking for different perspectives on them. We get locked into our point of view, and even worse, we think that our opinions of our spouse are the “right” ones. In essence, we get so used to seeing what is in front of us that we no longer look for it any more. Psychologists call this problem habituation. As we become acclimated to the new stimuli, we begin to take it for granted. This can be an incredibly dangerous to the relationship.

The only group in which the divorce rate is going up in right now is empty-nesters. Everyone else’s divorce rate is remaining stable or going down. Theirs is going up. Why? I believe it is because theses couples took each other for granted for years but the cracks in the foundation of their relationship didn’t come to light until the kids left home. After years of “knowing” each other, we wake up and realize we don’t know each other at all!

To combat habituation, we need to be on the lookout for fresh perspectives on our spouse. My dear friend Sarah has the pleasure (or burden, depending on how you look at it) of seeing her husband through the eyes of another almost every time they go out for dinner. Sherman is a very attractive and gregarious guy who manages, without doing anything inappropriate I must stress, to make the waitresses swoon when he enters the restaurant. Many wives I know would respond to this situation by getting jealous or annoyed. Instead, Sarah has deliberately chosen to use these times as reminders of how sexy her husband is to other women. By making this choice, she allows these experiences ensure that her perception of Sherman never stales.

Couples would be wise to heed Sarah’s learnings when they think of their own sex lives. Men in particular, often pigeon-hole their wives as disinterested in sex and less sexual in general than men. Shmuly Boteach, the “Love Rabbi”, puts a lot of the weight of responsibility for this principle on the shoulders of men. He asserts that women are much more deeply sexual than men. They have layers to their sexuality which can be peeled back and discovered.

Here is what he says:

“The Talmud, written two thousand years ago, goes so far as to say that a man of leisure, that is a man whose occupation does not involve strenuous exertion is obligated to make love to his wife every single night. And that’s because his wife wants it every night. The rabbis of the Talmud understood women to be much more sexual than men. And to the extent that today so many married women claim instead to have a headache is because their husbands are having such bad sex with them that they’ve killed off their libidos.”

That’s an incredibly different perspective that what we culturally believe. Women actually have a deeper sense of sexuality but their libidos have been killed off by bad sex!

When we actively seek new perspectives on our spouses, when we are constantly on the lookout for change and growth in them, when we refuse to be fearful or dismissive of the perspectives of others, our own eroticism grows.

3. Eroticism needs delayed gratification.

We are, without a doubt, a culture of instant gratification. It is ingrained even in our children. Numerous studies have been run over the years asking children to choose between getting the object of their desire immediately or waiting a bit and getting even more. In one study done at Stanford, 70% of the children simply could not wait. They settled for less so that they could get it faster.

We cart this mentality right into our sex lives. We are besieged with images of couples having sex on first dates (sometimes the second if the couple is extra cautious). When we hop into the sack, it is all about the sprint to orgasm. Slam, bam, thank you ma’am.

And yet, instant gratification numbs eroticism. Eroticism thrives in being put off and delayed. Think back to the first kiss with your lover. Did you spend time thinking about when it was going to happen? How was it going to unfold? Where were you going to be? The delight of anticipation accelerated the desire.

We find the antithesis of this in most modern marriages. Couples zone out in front of the TV all evening and then will turn to each other and intone the words of Big John McCarthy, “let’s get it on!”  It’s no wonder that we have so many couples who are bored silly with their sex lives.

If you want to have eroticism in your sex life, you are going to have to be deliberate about cultivating it. The anticipation for sex should not begin when Leno goes off. It should begin in the morning or even the day before. You should be flirting, teasing, and touching hours before you ever take your clothes off. Only a small percentage of “sex” should take place when you are naked. The rest takes place when intercourse is not logistically possible but you are building up to the experience.

Think all of that takes too much energy? A boring, sexless marriage takes a whole lot more and it will cost you in the long run. So turn off the TV an hour earlier. Don’t panic - you can DVR it or wait until the series comes out on DVD. Flirt with each other leading up to the actual act. Look for chances to see your lover in a new light. If someone eyes up your lover don’t get jealous, get intrigued. And spend time exploring those layers of your sexuality.

Hint #34

If your passion meter is dwindling a little lower that normal, take a break.  Go cold turkey for a week, or two.  Establish an agreed upon timeline and ground rules (i.e kissing ok, but no direct genital contact)  When it’s “off limits” it’s amazing how much you suddenly want it.  Don’t cave before your agreed time limit though, holding off will make your love making session all the wilder!

NEW - Guest Writers for erynfaye.com

Socrates said that “An unexamined life is not worth living” and I couldn’t agree more. If we are not looking at what makes us think and behave the way we do, then we get mired down in patterns that are utterly predictable and, well, incredibly boring and tedious.

If I do nothing else on this website, I hope that I spark your interest in looking to see your lover in new ways and deepening your love and respect for each other.

One of the best ways to examine our own lives is by listening to the thoughts and perspectives of others. For nearly a year now, you have listened to what I have to say. Do not fear - I have no intentions of being quiet anytime soon. However, I have decided to invite guest writers to share their own ruminations on passion, love and intimacy. These guests come from various walks of life and all have thoroughly different perspectives, opinions and insights to share with you.

Some of these people are professional writers; others are not. Some of them will provide their own articles; others prefer an interview style. Some approach the subject with a clinical eye; others will share deeply personal stories.

Whatever format or voice they choose, remember this: it is through thoughtful discussion and discourse that we learn and grow.

Having said that, here is a suggestion for a “blogger date” with your spouse: When the guest posts come out, sit down and read the article together and then talk about the implications in your own love life. What strikes you as funny or odd or truly fantastic? Does the article seem out in left field or does it hit amazingly close to home? What can you incorporate in your own love life? What do you want to blush and laugh about?

Get ready to have your first blogger date on January 12^th.

I am delighted to announce that my first guest writer will be Cumingirl from Christian Nymphos.

Cumingirl will be writing on Anal Sex in Marriage.

Cumingirl is a devoted wife and full time mom of two living in the USA.  She is one of the co-creators of www.christiannymphos.org.  Their website is considered by many to be groundbreaking in its ability to intertwine sex and the Christian faith.  The site was launched as a way to teach married women to walk in sexual freedom with their husbands.

Top Ten Technology Flirts

Yesterday was a crazy day. You know the type where you have to carry a colour-coded schedule just to make it through the day without doing something foolish like, well, forgetting your kid at school??? (Don’t laugh too hard. We did that earlier this week) It was bonkers. Eric and I were flying in different directions, Riley had places to be and needs to be met. We ended the day flopped on the bed together, eating pizza and watching a kid’s movie about enchanted princesses and undying love.

After we put Riley to bed, Eric and I ventured downstairs with ambitious plans to work some more. This is one of the significant pitfalls of working from home. The lines between work and home life get completely blurred and it becomes exceedingly easy to work all the time. There is no such thing as a 9-5 work schedule. That could be a blog post in and of its own!

But on this occasion, we were just too tired to work. Instead, we ended up sitting right next to each other with our computers out. Then we found each other on Facebook. And we starting flirting. Outrageously. Which led to hearty laughter. Then our friends and family started to chime in on the discussion and we giggled even more. At last count, we were up to 32 comments and one “like”. I’m not sure what the record for comments on Facebook is - I am sure that we fell far short of that record - but that was a lot for us!

This interaction led me to think: who is your spouse flirting with on Facebook today? If it’s not you, there is a problem. This is a skill set you might want to pick up.

Realizing that this is a significant issue, I consulted one of my techy guru friends for his hottest tips on ways to use technology to flirt with your spouse.  Around here we call him JDog.  I think you’ll find him to be as refreshing and enlightening as we do.

J-Dog’s Top Ten List:

J-Dog’s Note: Ok, so Eryn-Faye asked me to come up with ten ways to flirt using technology, and I thought, “Oh, that’s easy!” Turns out that with the steady march of this thing we call ‘convergence’, the lines between various technologies are becoming less and less clear. Some of these suggestions will obviously cross over to others, and some won’t as much. The one commonality should be creativity - as long as you can think of something fun and creative to say to your lover, the technology can help you convey that message. I managed to come up with ten, although the last one is illegal, so don’t do it, ok?

Also, I’ll add the standard disclaimer that I’m a guy, and in spite my attempt to balance this with tips for both sexes, my own biases will show. Whatever.

1. Texting. Most people have mobile phones these days, and many couples each have their own. Texting is usually free, especially between family members (check your rate plan before going crazy with the texts, though!). Send your spouse a short, badly-spelled note informing them of just how hot you think they are. If you’re female, include details about your underwear. While this is quite effective if they are at work, it can be even more fun to do when you’re in the same room as each other. It’s a very good way to build the sexual tension between you when you’re at a party, for example.

A sub-genre of this is known as ’sexting’, and is generally more risqué (and risky!) and involves sending sexy photos of yourself to your spouse’s cellphone or email. A couple things to keep in mind if you want to try this are that you shouldn’t be stupid and include pictures of your face, because it’s pretty much guaranteed these pictures will not remain entirely private (especially if the recipient is a guy!). Also, be very careful when selecting the recipient from your address book, as a slip of the finger on that tiny keypad means the wrong person gets to see your naughty bits! Again, check your rate plan to make sure it’s not going to bankrupt you to send that picture.

If you don’t have a mobile to send text from, most carriers allow you to send texts from their website, or via email. For example, for Telus Mobility customers, you’d send an email to tendigitmobilenumber@msg.telus.com. Check your carrier’s website for details on how to do this.

2. Skype. This would include other kinds of real-time text chat as well, such as MSN, Yahoo! Chat, or Google Chat. Whatever network you both use, put it to good use by turning up the heat now and then. If you are apart from each other during the day, try to get online at the same time now and then, and just talk about how much you love each other, or how much you miss them. Tell him about your underwear. If your network of choice supports video, use it! It’s amazing what a turn on it is just to see your lover’s face while you talk to them. And if you have the opportunity, live video can spice things up in other ways too!

3. Music. It’s long been known that music is a great way to romance a woman. Dudes, fire up iTunes and buy her a gift card or use the Gift This function to send a specific song directly to her inbox. Browse the Latin and Jazz genres, or find a new mix of one of your old favourites. Girls, just send him a song about underwear. There’s lots on there, trust me.

4. Twitter. You can say a lot in 140 characters or less. Tweet about your lover. Let your followers know how much you appreciate them. Just for fun, start a hashtag with their name, and use it lots. And use the private message capabilities to add some spice!

5. Facebook. Eryn-Faye mentioned this one in her post, and I have to say it was a lot of fun watching that conversation go on! Facebook is a great way to publicly flirt with your lover, and letting your friends inject their own humour into the process can result in some hilarious moments. Use your status updates to brag about how great your spouse is - making oblique references to their sexual prowess not only tells them you think they are ‘all that’, but it is a great self esteem booster to have one’s praises sung in public. Doesn’t hurt the libido, either - which is what we’re going for here!

6. Telephone. Sure, it’s old-school, but sometimes, it’s just what the doctor ordered. The ability to hear your lover in real-time, with no delays, jitter, or dropped packets can be very refreshing. Call her up and let them know exactly what you’d like to do with her when you get home. Or, call him up and tell him about your underwear.

7. Voicemail. If your lover works in an office, you can call the switchboard and ask the receptionist to transfer you directly to their voicemail, rather than ringing their extension. This way, you can leave them a surprise message - be sure to preface it with “Darling, please make sure your speakerphone is off”!

8. Email. Even those of us without mobile phones have access to email, and this can be put to great use in the flirting game. Guidelines involve not using corporate email accounts for naughty exchanges (get a gmail account - it’s free, already!), and remembering to be careful about sending incriminating photos. Underwear shots are great, as long as your face isn’t visible.

9. Video. The availability of video recording technology such as camcorders, cell phones, and webcams means that it’s easier than ever to create a visual delight for your lover. This can be a lot of fun, especially because it’s so very ‘naughty’. You know what makes your lover tick, so include those things in your video. As with other forms of electronic flirting, it’s very important that you ensure the privacy of your material: no faces or identifiable markings such as tattoos; don’t use workplace networks to send private files (most log everything, and copies can be made for auditors or investigators upon request); and make sure that your personal computer is secure, both from outside penetration (hur, hur) as well as from family members (especially children, for heaven’s sake!). I would suggest getting PGP encryption keys and using them to lock all your private files.

10. Hack one of those roadside construction signs with the big digital displays. Replace the warning message about the bridge washing out or whatever with something that tells passersby how amazing awesome your lover is. You have fewer characters than Twitter, here - so use shorthand! And wear gloves so you don’t leave fingerprints, ok? I’m just sayin’…

As with all types of flirting, it’s important to remember that the most effective methods will employ your lover’s Love Language. Once you have that figured out, technology and gadgets can really help you push those buttons!

Eryn-Faye’s note: Ladies, for what it’s worth, underwear seems to be a consistent theme!

Essential Elements of Sex Course

Beginning next Wednesday, I will be doing a teaching series on The Essential Elements of Sex: Reigniting Passion, Love and Intimacy at the Women’s Breakaway program in Langley, BC. During this 8 week course, I will be answering questions such as:

• What are the myths that we believe about sex?
• How can we juggle our busy lives without neglecting this crucial aspect of our relationships?
• How can we communicate effectively with our spouses about this sensitive subject?
• How do we navigate differences in desire levels?
• How can we overcome the insecurities that we experience?
• How can we have more fun together?

If you would like to join me, the Woman’s Breakaway Program is being held at North Langley Community Church:

Location: 21015 96th Avenue  Langley, BC V1M 2Z3

Time: 9:15am - 11:15am

Runs: Every Wednesday from September 23^rd - November 25^th

Cost: $25 for the course  ($10 for child care for the entire course)

For more information, call the Women’s Breakaway program at 604-888-0442.

Not Quite Lords of the Dance

In my family, we love to dance. My husband and I fell in love jitterbugging and two-stepping on the dance floor of Billy Bob’s in Fort Worth, Texas. (In case you are unfamiliar with this venue, it boasts to be the World’s Largest Honky-Tonk.) Over the years, we have sought out opportunities to maintain this connection which originally drew us to each other. We once took a ballroom dancing class with another couple. We learned how to Salsa and then went out to Tim Horton’s for donuts. Work off a little weight…put it back on. We have also gone to a few dinner and dance places. Again, put on a bit of weight…take it off. It’s all about balance, really! We have even done a cruise around the harbour in Vancouver on a ship which had different types of dancing on each level. We went for the Latin dancing, but we could also venture up the stairs to try some country or techno if we got bored of the Latin selection. It was like a buffet of dance!

Our four-year-old daughter has inherited our love of dance. She is in ballet now, and while I originally thought she enjoyed the class because she got to dress up in frilly pink outfits, I am realizing that she genuinely loves the activity itself. I know this because, usually right as I am trying to prepare dinner, she will hold her hand out to her father, take a low bow and say, “May I have this dance?” Father and daughter then proceed to spin around the kitchen together dodging me as I scurry to make the meal which will replace the calories that they are using up.

This love of dance is not restricted to a dance floor, however. We love to dance in the car as well. It probably provides ample amusement for drivers who are passing us on the road if they were to look sideways and notice all the people in our car bouncing around to the beat of some unheard music. We actively encourage this crazy behaviour in our daughter. If a really good song comes on, we will say, “Riley, you have to listen to this!!” and then proceed to dance enthusiastically. She will oftentimes respond with, “Look at my cool moves!” and then flail around like a fish out of water. It is highly amusing. And we all feel a little bit more alive and connected when the song ends.

And this is one of the ways how we, in the Frans family, explore our passionate selves. How do you and your family do so?

Simmering Passion

One of the challenges in my business as a Passion Coach is teaching a woman how to make the transition from the roles she plays during the day (mother, sister, daughter, friend, employee, employer) to the role of sexy, passionate wife at night. As women, we pour our energies into the people and tasks around us all day long. Our boss needs something done, and we endeavour to get it done efficiently and with excellence. Our friend calls up sobbing because her teenager is doing drugs, and we listen and empathize. Our coworker is on the verge of having an affair because her home life is boring, predictable and lonely; and we invest time over lunch trying to convince her why this isn’t such a hot idea. And when we return home, our children need us to help with homework, or kiss their boo-boos, or drive them to their game or dance class. Later, we feed, bathe, and tuck them into bed.

And then, tired and worn out, we stumble into the bedroom at night, and there is our dear husband. With that look on his face. And it feels like one more thing we have to check off our “to do” list for the day.

How do we make the transition?

I believe the answer lies not in what happens at the end of the day, but in what we are doing all day long. Sure, we want to be good at our job, be a great friend AND be a Super Mom who engenders the envy of all the other PAC moms. But in attempting to do so, we have trained ourselves to neglect the passionate side of ourselves - the side that actually notices the details of life around us rather than just seeing a blur as we whiz by it. After all, it slows us down and makes us inefficient.

But is it also the side that makes us feel alive.

The best analogy I give to women is that of a pot on the stove. If you want to get it to boiling and the water is cold, it can take some time. However, if the water is already simmering, the pot boils very quickly. So, if you want hot, steamy passion at night, you have to be looking for and cultivating it during the day.

Need some tips and suggestions? Here are a few:

• The science of arousal is all about blood flow into the genital tissues, so do things which increase your blood flow during the day such as:
  • Do some cardio exercise. 20 minutes is a good place to start because it is long enough to get your blood flowing, but not so long that it is difficult to fit into your day.
  • Eat a healthy diet. Yes, it helps your blood flow as well as your dress size!
  • Put on some Pure Satisfaction in the morning and then again at night. Your body will become used to the sensations of arousal which will help you when you are about to have sex.
• Slow down enough to actually listen to the words of the songs on the radio. Play songs which make you feel passionate, romantic or sexy. Create a “Passion” playlist on your Ipod.
• Remember the Four Kisses a Day article? Don’t forget to bring passion to your relationship with your husband during the day. Send him a sexy text message or call just to say, “I love you”. Email him reminding him of your last romantic or steamy time together and tell him how much you appreciate him.
• Pick up an activity which makes you feel passionate and/or sexy. Try an art class, dance class, or even a cooking class (yes, a beautifully prepared meal can be sexy too!).
• Pay attention to the beautiful things in your life. Do you have nature on your way to work which is lovely? Do you need to go to an art museum or pick up a book on classic art? Train yourself to notice, appreciate and be thankful for that beauty.
• Most importantly, take your family on this journey with you. Teach your children to understand passion (albeit in the non-sexual way), so that they will take these lessons into their adult lives. In our family, we do it through dance.

And, lest I forget, if you haven’t already, make sure to vote on my Passion Poll about this!

How often do you think of yourself as a passionate, sensual being?

Laughing About Lingerie

This past weekend, our family attended a wedding of a dear friend. Since my husband was the master of ceremonies for the reception, we were invited to the all the festivities which lead up to the big event. During the rehearsal dinner at a local restaurant, several of us ended up in the bathroom to have a last minute discussion about sex. Two things might jump out at you about that last statement:

1. public bathroom; and
2. sex talk.

It just goes to show you that women will talk about sex anywhere! The environment was less than stellar, but I am always willing to work with what is available, and it was a follow-up to a more thorough discussion that the bride and I had had earlier in a much better setting.

As toilets were flushing in the stalls behind us, the bride mentioned the amazing lingerie shower that she had been thrown and all the new items that she was going to get to model for her new hubby. We all laughed that most men won’t even remember what you had on because it ends up in a pile on the floor so quickly! One lady mentioned that she wore an outfit three times before her husband recognized it as part of her wardrobe.

Over the years of marriage, however, we often stop trying so hard to look enticing for our husband. Maybe we gained a little weight and so now we feel self-conscious. Maybe we spend our money on clothes for our kids instead of ourselves. Maybe we are just so tired at the end of the day that we just want to crawl into our favourite sweat pants. Maybe we don’t feel like we deserve to get something that is so flimsy and worn for such a short period of time. Maybe we have just forgotten about how much fun it is to wear something sexy.

Here’s my question for all of you who have been married for a while: When was the last time you donned something special for your spouse? If it has been a while, then what is stopping you? How can you overcome that obstacle?

Need some great ideas?

• Get a lacy bra with matching panties – this is a somewhat practical suggestion as you can wear them all day but still look hot for hubby later!
• Purchase a teddy – if you don’t like the way your stomach looks, this is a very sexy way to cover it up!
• Try some silk or satin – they feel great against your skin!
• Check out this great blog post on crotchless panties

Now, in the words of that great American poet Justin Timberlake, go bring sexy back!!

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