“Like dumbbells for Your Hoo-Hoo”

Have you taken the poll yet? If not, go do that right now!

The correct answer to the question is: that simply by doing kegel exercises, you can achieve ALL of these things:

• Strengthening pubococcygeus muscles
• Making child birth easier
• Increasing the odds that your perineum will more likely be intact (fewer tears and episiotomies) throughout childbirth
• Enhancing sexual enjoyment for both men and women (including better orgasms!)
• Preventing prolapses (slipping out of place) of pelvic organs
• Preventing leaking urine when you sneeze or cough or jump on a trampoline
• Helping men achieve stronger erections

In my mind, this is a pretty strong incentive list! In this article, I will focus on kegel exercises for women, but I will address men in my blog post this week.

For women, the pelvic floor is like a basket of muscle. It holds in our bladder, our uterus and other sexual reproductive organs. As we get older, as we have children and as we gain weight, this muscle can begin to sag and lose over-all tightness. We also can experience decreased sexual sensation.

To combat this deterioration, doctors recommend that we do kegel exercises. The best way to illustrate a kegel exercise is as such: sit on the toilet and as you begin to pee, stop the flow of urine. This muscle that you are using is your pubococcygeus muscle, more commonly referred to as your PC muscle. A proper kegel exercise is contracting this muscle and holding it for 10 seconds. Doctors recommend that we do 3 sets of 20 kegels every day!

(Note: it is important to make sure that you are actually using your PC muscle and not your thighs or buttocks muscles. If you want to make sure that you are only using your PC muscle, then spread your legs on either side of the toilet as you begin to pee. This will ensure that you isolate the PC muscle and use only it.)

While this sounds a bit complicated when you get started, believe me, it is really simple once you get the hang of it. But where on earth are you going to find time to add this to your daily routine? It is surprisingly easy. Since no one can actually see you doing a kegel, you can do them just about anywhere. Sitting at a red light? Do some kegels. Standing in line at a grocery store? Do some kegels. Watching your favourite show on TV? Do some kegels. Although it takes some awareness and mental discipline, it is really quite easy to do.

Like all types of exercises, there are ways that you can vary the routine. Rather than just simple contractions, you can try:

The Flutter: Squeeze and release rapidly. Focus initially on a tight squeeze and release. Work your way up to doing it quickly. Do 30 flutters.

The Elevator: Picture your muscles as an elevator car at the bottom of your vagina, slowly moving its way up to the top. As the “elevator” goes up, increase the intensity of your squeeze. At the top, be squeezing the tightest. When the elevator moves down, slowly release the intensity. Repeat 10 times.  If you grew up in the 80’s you can sing Aerosmith’s Love in an Elevator while you do them.

Weighted Kegels: If you wanted to build the muscle in your bicep, you could curl your arm repeatedly and see small differences. Yet, if you picked up a 5- or 10-lb dumbbell in your hand, your arm will reap the benefits of doing the exercises with weights. Our PC muscles are no different. Add weights, and you will notice a more rapid increase in the strength of your muscles. Here are a couple options:

• Ben-wa Balls. Although two balls come in a set, I recommend that women start with just one. Insert it inside the vagina and hold it in place using your PC muscles. You will need to be standing for the balls to work. (Ladies, just for the record, it is not going anywhere. It is too large to go through the cervix!). Once you can hold one ball in place for 10 minutes or so, put in the second one and work your way up to 10 minutes with both inserted.
• Pleasure Pods. I have to admit, these are my favourite. They can be used two ways: 1) insert the whole thing into the vagina and hold it in place with your PC muscles while standing; or 2) lie down and insert the pod in half-way (where it narrows in the middle) and do any of the kegel exercises described above. You can be doing this while watching a movie (at home, obviously) or TV or even reading a book. One lady noted, “It’s like a dumbbell for your hoo-hoo!” Yes, yes it is.

At the end of the day, the most important aspect to highlight is that we are responsible for taking care of our bodies. The effort that we put into taking care of ourselves will have enormous benefits in many areas of our lives. Women have come to me, after becoming conscientious about doing their kegels, and told me that their orgasms have intensified, that they can feel their husbands for the first time since child birth, that they no longer fear jumping on a trampoline with their kids and they can watch a Depends commercial without a secret terror that they will need the product in the not-so-distant future. By taking some very simple steps, they have increased their overall satisfaction with their bodies, their sex lives and their comfort in social situations.

Now, isn’t that worth a bit of effort?

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Lubricating Your Relationship

Early on in my practice, one of my clients told me that I had “saved her marriage“.  Since I always love to hear people’s stories, I asked her to explain how this happened.

“You recommended a good lubricant to me”, she said rather matter-of-factly.

I was a bit slow on the uptake and wasn’t sure how something this simple could have such a dramatic effect on her relationship, but she continued on.

“I was allergic to [insert name of the most popular over the counter brand], but it was the only stuff I knew to buy. So, when I would use it, I would have to have sex quickly and then immediately hop into the shower because it would burn. It was killing our sex life! But when I got a good lubricant from you, it didn’t burn. Now I actually enjoy having sex with my husband again!”

Let’s face it ladies, if we don’t have sufficient lubrication, sex is going to be at best uncomfortable and at worst excessively painful! There are all sorts of reasons why a woman might not have enough lubrication:

• She might not be aroused enough
• She might be on a medication that hinders lubrication (allergy & cold relief medications, antidepressants and even the birth control pill are notorious for having this side effect)
• She might be headed into menopause, and the drop in our estrogen levels is causing changes in the way our body produces lubrication
• She might be nervous or stressed out or exhausted
• She might have just had a child or are still breastfeeding
• She might be a smoker

There is nothing worse than wanting to be intimate with your husband but then being betrayed by your body when it refuses to lubricate properly! It creates a vicious cycle because next time you are considering having sex, you might hesitate because you are worried about it. Not only are you dealing with something physiological, but now it is psychological too!

A great lubricant will take this pressure off of you. You will no longer have to worry about getting wet enough so that sex doesn’t hurt. It allows you to relax and focus on enjoying yourself and him. And this makes for a much more satisfying sex life for both of you.

Thankfully, we live in a day in age when good lubricants are readily available. You can have one on your bedside table drawer, another in your travel bag, another in the shower. A lady once said to me that lubricants were like lipstick - no woman should have only one!

Here’s a run-down on the different types of lubricants:

Type	Pro’s	Con’s
Water-based	Easy and safe to use almost anywhere. They do not stain, are simple to wash off, and are safe for use with condoms or diaphragms.	Cannot use in water (as it will wash off) and are not long-lasting. Some brands can be sticky.
Silicone-based	Great for water play. They are long-lasting, non-sticky, and usually have a silky texture	Harder to wash off (as they are designed to last in water). Cannot be used with silicone-based toys
Petroleum-based	Good for anal play.	Cannot be used with condoms, diaphragms or cervical caps. Can be irritating vaginally. They are difficult to wash off and can stain the sheets.
Oil-based	Made from vegetable or nut oils.	Can feel greasy and stain the sheets. They are not recommended for use with condoms.

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It might seem obvious from my pro’s and con’s table that I prefer water- and silicone-based lubricants; however, the point is that you have lots of options out there beyond [popular over the counter brand].

Looking for specific recommendations? Try the Product of the Week, Revelation Lubricant OR for a silicone-based lubricant (which is perfect for stashing in the shower as mentioned above), try Slip-N-Slide.

And remember, if you haven’t weighed in with your thoughts on the associated poll - now is your chance!

Pain During Orgasm

Dear Eryn-Faye,

My wife’s orgasms are painful. It is pleasing for her up until just after she orgasms. The orgasms first is pleasureful then immediately is becomes excruciatingly painful. What could cause this? How can this be treated so that when she has an orgasm it doesn’t hurt.

My immediate recommendation is that your wife should visit a doctor - preferably a specialist in obstetrics and gynecology. The symptoms that she is having might be indicative of a deeper issue which requires medical attention. While I am not a doctor, I have seen this issue before in my years of coaching women, and the issue is often uteral in nature (ie: endometriosis, Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, etc.). The doctor will most likely ask questions about the length of time she has experienced this pain, where it is located, how long it lasts for and so forth. I would strongly urge you to get answers for this issue as it is not a typical experience.

Thank you so much for reaching out to us with this significant question. Obviously, we want to see your relationship with your wife grow and deepen (and be free from painful orgasms too!!). If you have any further questions or comments, I would love to hear from you again!

Warmly,

Eryn-Faye, Passion Coach

A Case for Toys

Recently on a talk show, after a great discussion about which bedroom toys I thought were the best for men, women and couples, I was asked why I thought bedroom toys were such a good idea. For some people, they have always been seen as dirty and kinky, as a replacement for a partner, or simply unnecessary. But over the years, I have seen them be instrumental in revitalizing the sex lives of countless couples for several different reasons.

They open up the lines of communication in the bedroom.
As I mentioned in another post, communication is one of the key components to having great sex. And yet it is one of the scariest things to do (or even try) for most couples. Toys help alleviate this fear and lessen the stress by giving a focal point for both parties to start with. Think about it - it is virtually impossible to throw one of these items on the bed and not have some level of conversation about it – even if you are just laughing. (And remember, laughter in the bedroom can be a good thing too!) I had a lady tell me once that she had bought a couple’s toy and called her husband on the way home to ask him to bring out batteries for it. When she got home, he was sitting in bed looking as excited as she had seen him in years, with every single battery in the house spread out on the bed, and he quipped, “I didn’t know what kind we needed.” Just the mere idea of a toy got them talking about their sex lives. (It also led to the “best sex of their lives” according to her.) Thirty years into marriage, this couple found the key to talking about their sex life for the first time.

Bedroom toys help reduce the “ego factor”.

One of the reasons that talking about sex is difficult is because we are afraid of hurting each other’s feelings. Women, you know that if he is doing something to you with his body that is just not working, it can be very difficult to say “stop” because you are afraid that he is going to feel inadequate. Men, aren’t you secretly afraid that if you say “no” to ANYTHING that your wife is trying, then she will stop experimenting altogether – after all, many of us feel that getting something is better than nothing right? But when you are figuring out what works and what doesn’t work for you with a bedroom toy, it takes a lot of the pressure off. For example, saying, “I don’t like how a bullet (mini vibrator) feels there” is much less intimidating to say (or hear) than, “I don’t like it when YOU do that.”  This way you are both learning together and no one is to “blame” if either of you don’t like it.  And if you DO like it, you have opened up a whole new world of enjoyment for you both.

They help in situations where there are physiological difficulties.
Studies tell us that 43% of women and 31% of men have some sort of sexual dysfunction in the bedroom. These dysfunctions can run the gambit from low libido to erectile difficulties to complete inability to orgasm. A woman who has never been able to orgasm or has “lost” her orgasm due to menopause might be able experience this pleasure with the help of a vibrator. A man who is having a hard time keeping an erection might benefit from a C-Ring. And men and women who struggle with low libido discover that sex can be easier (and faster!) with the use of bedroom toys.

Bedroom toys add variety and fun to our sex lives!
I am a big believer that if we are going to have long lasting and healthy relationships we have to become experts in two areas:

1. recognizing when we are in a rut, and
2. knowing how to get out of that rut.

And bedroom toys are a great way to spice things up in the bedroom by trying something we haven’t tried before. In fact, a couple who have never been able to have face-to-face, simultaneous orgasms might be able to experience this intimacy for the first time with a couples’ toy. One client of mine had always thought a face-to-face simultaneous orgasm was an invention of Hollywood (only when people are acting). But when she and her husband used a couple’s toy for the first time, they realized that it did not just happen in the movies!!

Considering these things, it is easy to see why I am such a believer in bedroom toys. I do not mean to imply that toys can fix all the issues that a couple has, nor would I push anyone to try them if they are not comfortable with the idea. But if you are having any of the aforementioned issues, or are just looking to try something new, then I think bedroom toys are a great place to start.

ED in Newlyweds

Dear Eryn-Faye,

As a newlywed wife my husband experienced E.D. (he is only 47) on our honeymoon and the problem has cont’d, specifically the inability to maintain the erection. We have tried all the meds out there, we are now exploring injection and it has worked better. Nonetheless, the doctor basically assessed that my husband does not have a physical problem but that it was mental. As a wife, I do not fit in the category of a passive, sexual partner. Rather I am more assertive, have lots of desire but am turned off with the E.D. and my husband knows it. He has said that I “shoot him down”. Please help. We have been married a little over one year.

Let me begin by saying that my heart goes out to you during this painful and difficult time. The first year of marriage often brings issues to light which can feel overwhelming, particularly when they are of a sexual nature. Please allow me to offer you some resources which might help your specific circumstances.

First of all, I encourage you to continue to work with your doctors to find a medical or psychological answer to what you are facing in your sexual relationship. They will have knowledge of the most recent therapies that are available that would be suitable to your circumstances and your husband’s state of health. As you are pursuing that avenue, here are a few other suggestions:

On the Ask Eryn-Faye section of my website, I have answered a question which pertains to erectile difficulties and there might be some helpful information there.  While the couple who wrote in were older than you and your husband, you might find the principles of the article to be helpful. As an encouragement to you, 47 isn’t too young to be dealing with erectile difficulties; in fact, I coached one couple in their 20’s who were dealing with this issue.

No matter what age they are, every man wants to be the superhero in the bedroom and losing that ability strikes deeply at their ego. It is crucial right now that your actions do not exacerbate an already complicated issue by making your husband feel more inadequate than he is already feeling. In fact, if the problem is indeed psychological then the tension that the two of you are experiencing over the matter is going to aggravate it. Maintaining sexual intimacy (even if you cannot have penetration) is very important during this stage. If your husband is initiating sex, then by all means – take him up on the offer!  But as a woman who identifies as assertive, you as well can (and should) communicate your desire for him by instigating sexual intimacy and/or activity.

If he cannot experience or maintain an erection, then allow him to pleasure you in other ways. Experiment with different ways to achieve orgasm (manual, oral, etc.). If you are a woman who needs to have something inside of her to feel that your sexual experience is “complete”, then ask him to use his fingers or a bedroom toy. Channel all that desire that you have into building your sexual relationship even if it looks different than what you had envisioned.

Finally, it is important to prevent the issue of sexual dysfunction from overtaking all aspects of your relationship. Obviously, there was something about your husband that caused you to fall in love and marry him, so focus on those areas and build on them so that they grow deeper as you both seek solutions to address the erectile difficulties.

Thank you so much for reaching out to me with this very important question. It is very important that you feel the freedom to ask questions, as asking questions is an important way to see your relationship with your husband grow and deepen. If you have any further questions or comments, I would love to hear from you again!!

Warmly,
Eryn-Faye, Passion Coach

Too Old to Play?

Dear Eryn-Faye,

My partner is 75 years old and he has not had regular sex for quite a few years. He is having a problem having a strong erection and gets frustrated easily by this even though I do not put pressure on him to perform. I love him and would like to have a strong sex life but I am unsure of what to do to get him feeling more comfortable. Is there any age where men or women feel that sex is not part of there lives anymore?

The issue that you are experiencing is very common. As men age, they have increased difficulties with having and maintaining an erection. This is obviously an issue as we are having sex later and later in life. In my years as a Passion Coach, I have never met someone who was too old to have sex! The logistics may be a bit more complicated than when we were younger, but the interest and desire for intimacy is still there!

Allow me to give you a few suggestions that you and your partner can try together. First, if he is able to achieve erection, then you could use a “C-Ring” to help him maintain the erection. This item is a stretchy ring, usually made from silicone, which is placed around the base of the penis once it is erect. As the blood flow into the penis is restricted, it stays erect for longer. They are sometimes sold at drug stores or your can order them online. Here is a link to a company which sells C-Rings. You can order them in the privacy of your own home and they are delivered in plain packaging for your privacy and confidentiality.

* See the “Magic Rings” or the “Intimacy Enhancer”

For a complete explanation of how to put them on, how long to use them, etc., please visit this link.

A second suggestion is for your partner to visit his doctor. In these situations, doctors often prescribe a drug such as Viagra which can help men experience and maintain erection. This can be a very satisfying solution for couples.

Finally, allow me to speak to your comment about not wanting to put pressure on your partner. As I am sure you are aware, sometimes this issue is very difficult for men to talk about. A lot of their masculinity is tied up in their ability to “perform” and when this is waning, it can strike deep at the core of their identity. For tips on how to how to talk about this subject, this link has some excellent information: http://www.allabouted.com/english/relationships/partner.html.

Thank you for writing in to us. If you have any other questions, or just want to comment, I would love to hear from you again!

Sincerely,

Eryn-Faye, Passion Coach

Bringing Expertise

The biggest thing for me was the fact that there was no one to talk to.

My husband I are in our 20’s and nobody told us that sex could be anything other than what you see in mainstream media. Physical difficulties are not supposed to happen when you are this young. I was devastated and yet couldn’t talk to anyone.

Then through an acquaintance, I meet Eryn-Faye. She is the person every woman needs to know. She is the expert that we all need, the one who can confidently tell us what is actually normal and what to expect from our bodies, our passions and our relationships.

Saving my marriage might be too strong, but she definitely helped me keep my sanity.

~ Newly Wed