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Keys to Better Sex Revealed

A new study analyses what makes a great sex life. Here are some of the highlights:

  • Communication, self-esteem and understanding each other’s emotions make for great sex
  • Men want to engage in activities which bring pleasure to women.
  • When men are in tune with their partner’s emotions, women are more open to exploration.

You can read the entire article here.

What makes your sex life great?

Play time!

There is a story that is often told of Gregory Bateson, an anthropologist and the husband of the Margaret Mead. He was asked to come observe a group of otters that seemed depressed to their zookeepers. Otters, if you didn’t know, love to play. You can watch them for hours as they leap, swim, wrestle with each other and get up to all sorts of antics. These otters, however, seemed listless and lethargic.

 

After watching the animals for a number of days, Bateson dangled a piece of paper on string into their habitat. Before long, an otter came over to the string and began to bat at it. Very soon after, another otter joined in and then both otters started to play with each other. Even when Bateson removed the paper on the string, the otters continued to play.

How did two otters – creatures that are playful by nature – stop playing? Simply put, they got bored.

 

It is very easy for couples to get bored and, by extension, stop playing with each other when they have been married for years.

 

I was recently chatting with a client, and she mentioned that her husband liked to pull out a stuffed animal, put on an alter-ego voice, and make silly comments. She didn’t have a clue how to respond. Naturally a very serious person, this activity seemed very confusing to her. When I suggested that she make a silly comment in return – something fun and playful – it made her stop and think because it had been so long since she had been playful in their marriage.

 

Are you playful together? Believe it or not, this can be one of the most effective tools to making your relationship last. If you are having a lot of fun together, it makes it much harder to split up.

 

What are you doing to be playful with your spouse? Do you need to introduce something new into your environment to remind the two of you how to play again? What will that something new be? (as a suggestion: you might want to try something different than a just piece of paper on a string!) How can you make your spouse laugh this week? Can you surprise your spouse with something that will completely delight him or her?

 

As you think about those questions, let me leave you with a video of two otters, taking a nap at the Vancouver Aquarium. They are holding hands so that they will not float apart.

Remember: Playfulness not only combats boredom, but it also engenders intimacy.

The Quickie vs. Making Love Debate

This past weekend, I was speaking to a group of pastors and their spouses on The Essential Elements of Sex. As I began to talk about the concept of making love versus having a quickie, one woman called out, “Sometimes you just need a snack!” The room dissolved into laughter and even the most shy in the room were giggling in approval.

As a coach, one of the common complaints that I hear is that the woman wants to “make love” and feels that her husband just wants to have “a quickie”. The former evokes images of a couple looking into each other’s eyes and kissing deeply while the latter conjures up the picture of getting pinned against the wall and being taken right then and there. Both can be deeply passionate, just different forms of expressing the passion.

 

Sometimes, sex will be a deep, soul-connecting intimacy with our spouse. Other times, it will just be a way to experience pleasure together quickly. Sometimes it will be a two-hour experience; sometimes it won’t last ten minutes. Sometimes it will be long and luxurious; other times it will be fast and frantic. Sometimes both spouses will walk away having experienced orgasm; other times the focus is on one person alone.

 

Difficulty arises, however, when couples fall into a rut of believing that it has to be one or the other… all the time. I have seen husbands refuse to acknowledge the need to make love and I have met wives who insist that each and every sexual encounter must be “making love”. A dogmatic adherence to one or the other undermines true intimacy. A steady diet of quickies denies the concepts of exploration, creativity, and deep communication because, amongst other reasons, there is simply no time to venture into those areas. On the other hand, if couples only have sex when they have time to make love, they might never get to it out of sheer busyness!

 

Both types of sex build intimacy if they are done in balance. Sometimes you need a gourmet meal; sometimes you need a snack.

 

Which one do you need to work into your sex life to regain balance?

University of Indiana Sex Study

The University of Indiana recently published its findings in the most comprehensive sex study that has been conducted in years. The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior surveyed the sexual experiences and condom usage of nearly 6,000 people from the ages of 14-90. Some interesting findings:

  • People over the age of 40 were least likely to use a condom of all the age groups.
  • 85% of men report that their partner had an orgasm in their last sexual encounter, but only 64% of women claim that they did indeed have an orgasm. (There’s a pretty big discrepancy here, guys.)
  • Condom usage didn’t inhibit the sexual pleasure of most adults.

Want to know more? Read more about the survey here.

Are you surprised to learn that adults over 40 are the least likely to use a condom?  Thoughts?

Enjoying the Journey

bridge_590x300

One of the truly wonderful things about living in a hotel is the sheer number of people you come in contact with…in the fitness center, in the lobby, and even over breakfast. Since we are there for 6 weeks, we have seen a lot of people come and go. There are a lot of business people, a lot of families, a lot of poorly behaved kids.

This morning, as my daughter and I were munching on English muffins, I overheard a woman talking to her colleagues about some of her phobias. For a seemingly together businesswoman, she had quite the list. Crossing bridges had evidently just joined her list of things she tried to avoid.

Recently, she had been driving across a bridge with her son and enjoying the ride until he said, “Mommy, the only thing holding this bridge up is these cables!” And bridges promptly joined her list of phobias – she now avoids them at all costs.

I found this incredibly sad. I mean, I always find it sad when people allow themselves to be held back in life because something scares them.  They can’t go visit loved ones because it requires flying on an airplane. Or they can’t leave their children for an evening because something horrible might happen. Or they can’t get near water because they were too afraid to learn to swim. And this woman had lost her ability to access very essential parts of our road system because she had become myopically focused on engineering.

She no longer has a sense of excitement that comes with soaring over vast stretches of water. She no longer has a sense of wonder at the marvels of modern architecture.She no longer has a sense of anticipation as to what lies on the other side. There is just fear.

And it struck me that many people get stuck in this place in their relationships as well. They get so focused on the structure of their relationship that they fail to enjoy the ride.

Now, if you have followed my blog for any length of time, you know that I love to address the nuts and bolts of relationships – particularly sexual relationships. And, it is obviously essential to maintain the structure of your sex life. Imperative, in fact.

But sometimes we get so focused on the work that we cease to experience the pleasure. We are so busy thinking of the next 15 things that we have to do to keep this thing running that we don’t take the time to stop, look around us and enjoy where we are.

So what’s exciting, breath-taking, comfortable, beautiful, peaceful, or exhilarating about your relationship right now? It might not be perfect, but there are bound to be aspects that are good. If you need to fix some structural issues, then by all means do it. But don’t allow that to become your sole focus so that you miss the beauty of the journey along the way.

Hint #47

It’s easy to think that an orgasm is something that just happens.  However, it takes a little know how and practice to control your pleasure center.  Don’t be afraid to take control of your own pleasure.

Hint #44

Prolong your pleasure using the “start and stop” technique.  Build your orgasm up almost to the point of no return and then stop.  Then start again, and stop…  How many times can you “start” and “stop” before you just can’t take it any more??

Hint #37

Menthol is a natural and powerful orgasm booster.  Pop a couple of extra strength peppermints in your mouth while going down on your partner.  Guaranteed to shoot their pleasure sensors right through the roof!

Anal Sex in Marriage – A Guest Post

It’s a beautiful evening and the kids are gone to grandma’s house.  There is a fire in the fireplace, the candles are lit, and the music is low and sultry.  You are kissing and fondling and things are quickly moving to the next level when you feel your husband’s fingers at the entrance of the forbidden zone!  Oh no, wait, that isn’t his finger at all!  As this realization hits your face, your wonderful soul-mate husband of many years leans over and whispers in your ear…”feeling adventurous?”

Ever happened to you?  Well, this scenario (with various different changes) is played out in marital beds all over.  I’ve had women to ask me why in the world their husband seems so infatuated with their bottom.  To me the answer is pretty simple.  Men get sexual gratification from sticking their member into small damp holes.  Once a man and woman are married, their bodies belong to each other.  Of course it’s only natural for a husband to think of all the places he can go with it.  The three holes that are large enough to accommodate a penis are the mouth, vagina, and anus.  A simple, mildly blunt explanation as to why a husband may be intrigued or interested in anal sex.

It would be unfair though; to say that husbands are the only ones interested in back door play.  Many women are also curious about this ‘taboo’ subject.  In my own marriage, I have always been the aggressor when it comes to anal play/sex.  I had experimented myself during some alone time and found that there really are some nerve endings at the entrance of the anus that feel so pleasurable when stimulated!  I told my husband about it and asked if he minded using a finger there from time to time during intercourse.  The results were mind-blowing orgasms that made me melt and made him feel pretty good too!

So… how does a couple know if it’s really okay to try anal sex?  I firmly believe that a married couple should feel free to try almost anything they want to in their own marriage bed.  I draw the line at involving a third party, which includes other people physically and also pornography (this could be a whole other article in itself).  A healthy marriage is between the husband, wife, and God.  I also draw the line with sex acts that will hurt or demean one of you.  If you are involved in an act that makes you feel humiliated or degraded, then that act is unhealthy for your marriage.  That is a gateway for resentment to set in.

Anal sex can be very pleasurable for some women.  (Notice I said some and not all.)  We hear about orgasms that start from the clitoris or from the G-spot, but there are many women out there who swear that they have had orgasms originating from their anus.  I believe them because it’s happened to me as well.  But for all the women who claim to love anal sex, there seem to be just as many who don’t like it at all.  For some women it seems degrading and for others it’s uncomfortable or just down right painful.  Communication is so important here.  If you are curious about it, then TALK to your spouse!  Ask them how they feel about trying some anal play.  Find out if he/she is uncomfortable with the idea.  Discuss any concerns openly with each other.  There are some possible medical issues that could result from participating in anal sex, including infection and damage to the rectum, so it would be wise to research this together before deciding on trying it. If you find that your concerns and uneasiness outweigh the curiosity and eagerness, then you probably need to stop and back up a bit.  If you and your spouse have researched this topic and feel like it is something you’d like to try together, then here are a few things to keep in mind.

  • You need to start small with a pinky finger or similar sized toy and gradually work your way up to the size of the husband’s penis.  You may find that you can’t accommodate your husband’s penis but you do like the feel of his index finger.
  • STOP if you get to something that hurts. DO NOT try to “push past the pain.”  If there is pain it’s there for a reason and should be taken as a warning.  You are looking for sexual pleasure, not something that hurts you.
  • There is no such thing as too much lube. Use copious amounts of it, all over you and your husband.  Use the amount you think you’ll need, and then add some more.
  • Go slow and let her be in charge. Let her choose the position that she likes and allow her to set the pace.  It may take several minutes for her to be able to handle the full monty, so be patient and wait until she is ready for more.  Short, slow strokes are best to start off with.

You may wonder how in the world anal sex can deepen intimacy in marriage.  Over the last few years I’ve heard many stories of this, including one woman who wrote to me explaining how she had been sexually active with several other men before marrying her husband.  In her marriage, anal sex was a very intimate and bonding act for the simple reason that she had never had anal sex with any other man.  Her promiscuous past included vaginal sex with other men, but they both knew that the only man she had ever had anal intercourse with was her husband.  Thus, it became a very intimate act between them.

Like all other sex acts, this is a decision that is left up to each individual couple.  Anal sex isn’t for everyone.  It’s not the be-all end-all sex act.  It’s simply one out of hundreds of things that a married couple should feel free to try, if they both want to.  If both of you aren’t on the same page about it, then choose another book.  It shouldn’t be a divisive issue.  So communicate, research, and make a decision together.  And above all, have fun!

cumingirl

Cumingirl is a devoted wife and full time mom of two living in the USA.  She is one of the co-creators of www.christiannymphos.org.  Their website is considered by many to be groundbreaking in its ability to intertwine sex and the Christian faith.  The site was launched as a way to teach married women to walk in sexual freedom with their husbands.

Hint #33

Spend an afternoon hiding alluring clues around the house.  Leave a message telling them what you have in store for later and where to find the first clue.  Take your partner on a pleasure treasure hunt!