Spend an afternoon hiding alluring clues around the house. Leave a message telling them what you have in store for later and where to find the first clue. Take your partner on a pleasure treasure hunt!
Posts tagged: pleasure
Hint #19
Take two minutes to do what you normally do in two seconds. Okay, that may sound funny, but the point is that when you slow things down you become even more aware of each and every sensation. This in turn increases your sensitivity to touch an finally enhances your chance of an orgasm. Quickies can be nice, but slow things down in the bedroom. It’s a great way to take your partner to new heights of pleasure.
The Most Popular Man at a Nudist Colony
Who is the most popular man at a nudist colony?
The man who can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.
Wow! Not only is that guy well endowed, but he has a pretty strong erection too! Oftentimes we talk about kegel exercises for women, but overlook the fact that men derive great benefit from doing these exercises as well. As men increase the strength of their PC muscles they will find that it:
- Helps with premature ejaculation
- Increases the intensity of their orgasms
- Increases the strength of their erections
- Helps increase over-all control in the pelvic region
- Increases their odds of having multiple orgasms
Advantages of Kegel exercises: These exercises do not take a lot of time out of your day, and they can be done without anyone noticing that you are doing them. Do them in your car on your commute to work, sitting at your desk at the office or while you are watching TV.
Finding the PC muscle: Go to the bathroom. As you begin to pee, stop the flow of urine. This muscle that you use to halt the urination is your pubococcygeus or PC muscle. (If you want to isolate this muscle to ensure that you are using the correct one, you can insert your finger in your anus. As you flex your PC muscle, the anus will tighten.)
Basic kegel: Once you have identified your PC muscle, you can begin doing kegel exercises. The goal is to squeeze your PC muscles as tight as possible and hold them for 10 seconds. However, when you are starting, hold them for as long as you can and work up to 10 seconds. After each kegel, rest for the same amount of time that you squeezed. For example, if you contracted your muscles for 5 seconds, then rest for 5 seconds. Work up to 10 reps, 3-4 times a day.
Advanced kegels:
- Squeeze and release rapidly for 10 seconds. Rest for 10 seconds. Do 3 sets. Work up to sets of 1 minute each.
- Squeeze and hold. Hold for 2 minutes. Do one set. Work up to 3 sets, resting in between each.
- Squeeze and release your muscles 50 times. Do one set.
You might want to note, however, that just like building your 6-pack takes time, so does building your PC muscles. Work on them daily and you will definitely see an improvement in the next couple months or so. You will reap all the benefits of a strong erection, but won’t have to clean up after sticky donuts!
Oral Sex Basics for Him
Recently, due to an excellent question from one of my clients, I wrote an article on the Oral Sex Basics for Her. And, since I am an equal opportunity Passion Coach, (and because I was besieged with demands from the men out there) it is only fair that I follow up with some Oral Sex Basics for Him.
Here are some facts about women that you may not know:
- Women typically have a more difficult time coming to orgasm than a man does. It can take women 20-40 minutes to warm up enough to experience that plateau of pleasure. Men, on the other hand, can take much less time to have an orgasm. Rather than finding this gap of time to be a frustration, figure out some fun and effective ways to fill it. (Sex is not a race to orgasm – if your mindset is “I won” than obviously your lover “lost”.)
- 70% of women need clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. This means the vast majority cannot have an orgasm during penetration alone. Oral sex is a phenomenal way to make sure that she is satisfied. (And believe me, satisfaction is what you are aiming for here.)
- The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings – that is a lot to be packed into such a small area! (Take your time and think of it as a challenge to try and find them all.)
Ready for the tips? Here they are:
- Prep for the event. Husbands, make sure your facial hair is well groomed. If you shave, then make sure you have shaved recently. For women with a sensitive clitoris, coming in contact with stubble can be incredibly uncomfortable and might even bring the whole session to a screeching halt. Wives, you too can be well groomed. Many couples report that shaving her pubic hair, trimming it with electric clippers or having it waxed enhances the sensations and increases the pleasure for both man and woman.
- Remove the Barriers. Just as I recommended with the Oral Sex Basics for Her, most couples I meet are nervous about two things when I talk about oral sex: the smells and the taste. As such, I highly recommend that you begin with having a shower or bath together and incorporate soaping each other down into your foreplay. This ensures that you will not be sidelined by hygiene issues and it gets you warmed up (literally and figuratively). The sensation of the water, combined with the slickness of soap, is a great way to enhance the sense of touch. If you enjoy the warmth of the shower and don’t mind a bit of splashing, begin oral sex there!
- Take your time. Men, I cannot stress this enough – DO NOT go straight for the goods! Remember the tip above, that is takes women about 20-40 minutes to get warmed up enough to experience orgasm? If you stimulate her on the clitoris immediately, she will most likely get over-stimulated before she gets close to having an orgasm. Instead, spend time exploring the other areas of her body and enjoy kissing her before you even get close to her pelvic region. Not only will this build intimacy between the two of you, but it will also give her time to become aroused. When you do begin to kiss her vagina, pay attention to it in its entirety, not just the clitoris. If sports metaphors help you, then remember that this not a sprint; (and no, this isn’t training for a marathon either)
- Don’t get a tongue cramp. Ok, I don’t know if you can actually get a cramp in your tongue. However, it is a muscle (actually a grouping of muscles), so I guess it is possible. In all seriousness, do a little experiment right now. Stretch your tongue all the way out of your mouth and hold it there for a minute. Feel tired? A lot of men make the mistake of sticking their tongue out as far as possible and then battering the clitoris back and forth with it. They get tired and their wives get annoyed. Instead, think of oral sex as kissing your wife with your lips and use your tongue creatively.
- Use variety of touch. The tongue is an incredibly flexible muscle, so try flattening it out, making it thin, put light pressure on her and then firm pressure, licking with it slowly or flicking it quickly, draw figure 8′s, spell out words and find out what her favourite letter is. If you can multi-task at this point, then use your hands to caress her legs, stomach, inner thighs. You can also take a finger or two and slip them inside of her vagina. (Keep a lubricant handy so that this is comfortable for her.)
- Try an edible. There are a number of topical creams and gels on the market which add a flavour to the experience as well as help augment the blood flow into the vaginal tissue which make arousal easier for a lot of women. They are great options for all couples who want to add a bit of fun to their experience, and they are especially good for couples who are concerned about the smells and tastes of oral sex. Edibles can be used directly on the clitoris, but are not meant to be inserted in the vagina. Please take care here – never use anything with oils or sugar in a woman’s vagina as it can lead to infections.
- Keep the rhythm. As your wife is getting close to orgasm, make sure you keep the pace and rhythm of what you are doing consistent. Nothing is worse for a woman than being on the verge of orgasm and then feeling the touch change to something that isn’t as pleasant! If your wife is responding to what you are doing, for goodness sakes don’t stop!
- Get feedback. Every woman is different in what type of sexual touch she prefers, and so to understand how your wife ticks and what makes her tingle, you are going to have to ask her. I can give you all the tips in the world, but if you don’t get feedback from your lover, you are never going to make it to Oral Sex Connoisseur status. Some women need the hood of the clitoris to be pulled back so that you can get direct stimulation on her clitoris, some women need the hood of the clitoris to keep it covered because direct stimulation can be painful, some women need a very firm touch, other women need a soft touch. If your wife has not yet discovered what type of touch she enjoys, then encourage her to be honest and learn together!
Got the Basics Down? Here are some other ideas to incorporate:
- Hum while you are kissing her to create a new sensation.
- Put an Altoid, a mint or small piece of ice in your mouth to create a cooling sensation.
- Whisper in her ear how much you are going to enjoy licking her.
- Let her know what you are going to do to her, and then delay the process by taking your time undressing her slowly.
- Talk to her while you you are performing oral sex – tell her what you like about doing it and what you like about her.
- Blindfold her and talk her through the entire experience without letting her “see” anything.
- Add a bullet vibrator for some extra fun.
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Oral Sex Basics for Her
A client recently asked me, “So how do I give oral sex to my husband?” Excellent question! If you google “give a man a blow job”, you are bound to end up with lots of information (or pictures or a virus) that you really don’t want.
Your friends may not feel comfortable giving you step by step instructions, especially when you and your husband are coming over for barbeque this weekend. Your mom probably dodged the question if you even had the courage to ask. And your husband – well – he is probably so concerned that he might somehow turn you off the idea completely that he is terrified to address the subject.
So, let me help you out. Here is a run-down on the things that I have researched, heard about, and even run by my R&D department.
- Relax – Remember that oral sex is great foreplay for a man, even if you are intimidated at first to bring him to ejaculation orally. Oral sex is a skill set to be developed just like typing. When you first started typing, it felt awkward and strange learning to move your fingers to push the correct keys, but after time and practice, it became second nature. Practice the first few steps of this process and then add more steps until you are comfortable with finishing all of them.
- Communication – You should communicate clearly before you get started about your intentions so that he is not disappointed by unrealistic expectations (ie: “honey, I want to get better at this but I am going to start slowly and I may not be able to finish you off right away.”). Moreover, asking him what he likes about the idea of oral sex so that you can incorporate it. Every man is different in what he finds erotic and stimulating, so the very best oral sex is always based on what he likes.
- Getting Ready – You probably want to have a good lubricant on hand (a water-based, flavoured lubricant is best) so that you don’t have to be concerned about using only your own saliva during oral sex. This also removes the necessity of having your mouth to do all the stimulating of the shaft (aka “deep-throating”) because you can use your lubricated hand to slide up and down his shaft while your mouth is elsewhere!
- Removing Barriers – Most women I meet are nervous about two things when I talk about oral sex: the smells and the taste. We will talk about the latter in just a moment, but for the former I highly recommend that you begin with having a shower or bath together and incorporate soaping each other down into your foreplay. This ensures that you will not be sidelined by hygiene issues and it gets you warmed up (literally and figuratively). The sensation of the water, combined with the slickness of soap, is a great way to enhance the sense of touch. If you enjoy the warmth of the shower and don’t mind a bit of splashing, begin oral sex there!
- Getting Started – Begin exploring by kissing and stroking the head of the penis, the shaft, the scrotum, the perineum (this area between the anus and testicles is rich with nerve endings) – whatever you are comfortable with and he likes. As you feel comfortable, take the head of the penis into your mouth, lick and suck on it gently. As you get more coordinated, use your hand to stroke the shaft while your lips are paying attention to the top of his penis.
- “Don’t orphan the balls!” – This is one of my favourite quotes from a client who was chatting to his wife about oral sex. Oftentimes, women focus too much on the penis to the neglect of the scrotum and perineum and yet these area are full of sensitive nerve endings. You can get creative with your touch – vary it from a gentle to firmer massage to running your nails across him to a very wet, sloppy kiss.
- The Gag Reflex – As you get used to the sensation of having his penis in your mouth, you can take more in. If you have a sensitive gag reflex, go slowly and take your time.
- Maintaining Contact – It is the stoking action on the penis which will bring your husband to ejaculation, and as you become more adept at oral sex, you will be able to recognize the signs that this is about to happen. The most important part of the finish is that you don’t break contact as this is one of the most intimate parts of the lovemaking. If you are not comfortable with the concept of swallowing, then keep moving your hand up and down the shaft until it covers (gently) the tip of the penis. This area gets very sensitive after orgasm, so ask your husband how much pressure he likes while he is enjoying his orgasm.
- Getting Feedback – This might seem like the most awkward part of the whole experience, but it really is one of the essentials and it goes back to the emphasis that I put on communication earlier. Ask him what he liked and what you can do better next time. I am not suggesting that you ask him the moment that you two are finished being intimate. Wait a day or two and then ask. You will never become an expert at this (or anything in life) if you don’t elicit feedback and, frankly, he is the only one who can give it to you here. Understand that talking about sex can be the hottest thing in your sex life because it shows that you care about making it great, you are interested in what he thinks, and you are enthusiastic. And those are all great turn-on’s for a guy.
Got the Basics Down? Here are some other ideas to incorporate:
- Look up into his eyes while you have his penis in your mouth.
- Hum while you are sucking to create a new sensation.
- Put an Altoid, mint or small piece of ice in your mouth to create a cooling sensation.
- Whisper in his ear how much you are going to enjoy licking him.
- Let him know what you are going to do to him, and then delay the process by taking your time undressing him and touching him first.
- Add a bullet vibrator for some extra fun. Put the speed on low and tantalize his scrotum with it.
Eryn-Faye on Marriage Uncensored with Dave and Christie
On March 15th, Marriage Uncensored with Dave and Christie asked me to come on the show and talk to them about my role as Canada’s Passion Coach. They wanted the discussion to revolve around the kind of questions that I get asked “behind closed doors” by women and men. The episode is only 24 minutes long (half-hour show) but we cover a lot of ground! You can watch the entire show here, or download it and watch it later. You can even get the audio for your ipod. Hope you enjoy!
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ED in Newlyweds
Dear Eryn-Faye,
As a newlywed wife my husband experienced E.D. (he is only 47) on our honeymoon and the problem has cont’d, specifically the inability to maintain the erection. We have tried all the meds out there, we are now exploring injection and it has worked better. Nonetheless, the doctor basically assessed that my husband does not have a physical problem but that it was mental. As a wife, I do not fit in the category of a passive, sexual partner. Rather I am more assertive, have lots of desire but am turned off with the E.D. and my husband knows it. He has said that I “shoot him down”. Please help. We have been married a little over one year.
Let me begin by saying that my heart goes out to you during this painful and difficult time. The first year of marriage often brings issues to light which can feel overwhelming, particularly when they are of a sexual nature. Please allow me to offer you some resources which might help your specific circumstances.
First of all, I encourage you to continue to work with your doctors to find a medical or psychological answer to what you are facing in your sexual relationship. They will have knowledge of the most recent therapies that are available that would be suitable to your circumstances and your husband’s state of health. As you are pursuing that avenue, here are a few other suggestions:
On the Ask Eryn-Faye section of my website, I have answered a question which pertains to erectile difficulties and there might be some helpful information there. While the couple who wrote in were older than you and your husband, you might find the principles of the article to be helpful. As an encouragement to you, 47 isn’t too young to be dealing with erectile difficulties; in fact, I coached one couple in their 20’s who were dealing with this issue.
No matter what age they are, every man wants to be the superhero in the bedroom and losing that ability strikes deeply at their ego. It is crucial right now that your actions do not exacerbate an already complicated issue by making your husband feel more inadequate than he is already feeling. In fact, if the problem is indeed psychological then the tension that the two of you are experiencing over the matter is going to aggravate it. Maintaining sexual intimacy (even if you cannot have penetration) is very important during this stage. If your husband is initiating sex, then by all means – take him up on the offer! But as a woman who identifies as assertive, you as well can (and should) communicate your desire for him by instigating sexual intimacy and/or activity.
If he cannot experience or maintain an erection, then allow him to pleasure you in other ways. Experiment with different ways to achieve orgasm (manual, oral, etc.). If you are a woman who needs to have something inside of her to feel that your sexual experience is “complete”, then ask him to use his fingers or a bedroom toy. Channel all that desire that you have into building your sexual relationship even if it looks different than what you had envisioned.
Finally, it is important to prevent the issue of sexual dysfunction from overtaking all aspects of your relationship. Obviously, there was something about your husband that caused you to fall in love and marry him, so focus on those areas and build on them so that they grow deeper as you both seek solutions to address the erectile difficulties.
Thank you so much for reaching out to me with this very important question. It is very important that you feel the freedom to ask questions, as asking questions is an important way to see your relationship with your husband grow and deepen. If you have any further questions or comments, I would love to hear from you again!!
Warmly,
Eryn-Faye, Passion Coach
Talking to my 5 year old…
Dear Eryn-Faye,
I really appreciate your what you are offering couples, families and individuals.
My wife and I are looking for some ideas/ advice about how to talk to our daughter.
She is 5 years old and for about 2 years (since she was about 3) we have noticed at times when she is bored/ alone in her room (as she has a younger brother who is 2 years younger), she “humps” her pillow or teddy bear. At first we thought nothing of it, and then we noticed that she would get quite red in the cheeks and was quite worked up. When we inquired what she was doing, she said it felt good. Understanding a bit about the way we’re built, we could see she was stimulating herself, and it felt good. This behavior has seemed to decrease (maybe we see her doing it once a month), but is still consistent to when she is in her room and “bored.”
I know there may be many thoughts on masturbation (which this might be defined as, but I would probably lean toward the definition of self-exploration, as she’s only 5).
So I struggle with dealing with her behavior or trying to figure out what to say, without making her think that her sexual feelings are bad (which I’m sure she doesn’t think these are sexual feelings).
How do we as a couple talk address this issue with her?
Advice? Books to read?
Allow me to say that I appreciate that you have decided to write, because it demonstrates that you are taking your role as a parent very seriously!
You have a wonderful opening to speak with your daughter about healthy sexuality. These conversations should take place throughout the rearing of the child in an age-appropriate manner, beginning with basic knowledge such as the proper names for anatomy and going from there. Most experts will tell us that if you have not initiated the concept of sexuality to your kids early on, they will hear about it on the playground from other children (albeit a very convoluted version). Proactive parents will take control of the message so that this topic is accurately presented to their children. I believe that, as parents, we have an amazing message to communicate to our children about how we were made.
The body is a magnificent design, and it is understandable and natural that we want to explore it. It is very common for little girls to “hump” things. I had one coaching client relay to me that her (probably very embarrassed) parents had to drag her out of church one day because she wouldn’t stop humping the church pew! (I bet you are breathing a sigh of relief right now that you aren’t dealing with that one!) But I tell that anecdote mainly to let you know that your daughter is completely normal and that this is fairly ordinary behaviour. We simply don’t talk about it publicly too often which can lead to concerns such as what you have.
As far as things you can do as a parent, considering your daughter’s age, you can explain that it is acceptable for her to explore in private but not in public. We use this same reasoning when we explain why we cover the areas of a bathing suit because these are the parts of our bodies that belong only to us and need to be kept private (understanding, of course, that mommy and daddy and doctors might touch those areas for health/hygiene reasons). Not only are you able to set the foundation for a series of conversations about sexuality and create a sense of openness about this topic but you will also be setting the groundwork for appropriate touch and “stranger-danger” conversations with your daughter.
I would also recommend that you and your wife construct your answer to THE QUESTION right now. (Meaning, “Where do babies come from?” or “What is sex?”) Decide together what you are going to say, and practice it together if this makes you more comfortable. At your daughter’s age, it is best to keep your answer simple, and having a book to illustrate your conversation is extremely helpful especially if some (or all) of these terms are new to your daughter. Amazing You! Getting Smart about Your Private Parts by Gail Saltz and Lynne Avril Cravath is an excellent resource for your daughter’s age. You can find it on Amazon here.
And the website Talking with Kids has some helpful hints on these discussions as well.
As a parent myself, I want to encourage you again. Your desire to be proactive in your daughter’s life is exceptional. Taking the time to ask questions -even when they are seen as “awkward” – is indicative of how seriously you take your parenting duties. You have my deepest respect. I wish that all parents were so willing to seek help and advice.
I hope you find these resources helpful! If you have any further questions or feedback for other parents, please feel free to write back at any time!
Warmly,
Eryn-Faye, Passion Coach
Enhancing Experiences
My husband and I have really nothing but positive things to say about Eryn-Faye.
Ever since we communicated with her, we have found that we experience more pleasure during intercourse. It also adds an element of excitement to know that your husband is thoroughly enjoying himself.
Her expertise, non-nonsense coaching and support allows me to relax and know that I will experience intercourse without any discomfort. Going to Eryn-Faye and even just talking with her is well worth it!
~ New Mother
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