Posted on June 18, 2009
When I was pregnant, I read voraciously. I think I was terrified of getting caught not having a clue when the little bundle arrived, and so I did everything I could to prepare myself. During the first trimester, I read about pregnancy. During the second trimester, different philosophies of parenting were on the docket. And during the final trimester, I read up on labour and delivery. One night, in the midst of a pile of books, I ran across a particularly good recommendation. The author told me that, as a new mom, it would be completely unrealistic for me to keep up everything around the house and take care of my baby. Noting that this might cause conflict with my spouse, the author went on to suggest that I should ask Eric what was most important to him so that, if all else failed, I could get that done during the day.
Dutifully, I turned to Eric and asked him. I was shocked by his response, “If you could make sure that our bedroom is cleaned up, that would really make me feel good.” What?! The master bedroom? That is the best room in the house to close the door on and forget. After all, we are only in there at night!
It was amazingly insightful to have his input. You see, had I just assumed what he wanted, I would have thrown all my efforts into the rest of the house, and left our bedroom until the end. I would have guessed that eating dinner in sight of a tidy kitchen would have ranked much higher and would have put much effort into wiping down counters. Or even tidying up all the baby stuff in the TV room. In fact, a clean and tidy master bedroom would have been on the bottom of my list of things to induce peace in our household at the end of a long day.
Had I not asked, I would have made a whole list of assumptions. While he would have been pleased to see a tidy kitchen or TV room, he would have retired to our bedroom in the evenings and felt completely discouraged because this was the area which was the biggest deal to him. Can you see the cycle that would have started?
If he had expressed (even mild) displeasure with our bedroom to me after I had been with Riley all day and after I had put a concerted effort into cleaning the kitchen and TV room, I would have flown off the handle saying something along the lines of, “I can’t do it ALL!!” And then probably burst into tears.
However, because of this brilliant author’s suggestion and my follow-through, Eric and I avoided a ton of conflict when Riley was first born. Out of love for him, I made sure that our bedroom was tidy and clean when he got home. Even if that was the only thing that I got done outside of caring for Riley. We had peace as a family and guess what? He pitched in and helped with the kitchen and TV room!
Have you asked your spouse what is most important to them? You might not have a newborn at home, but there might be things that your spouse wants and needs from you that you are overlooking. Why don’t you ask and find out? If the answer surprises you, come back and share it with us in the comments.
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7 Comments - Posted in Blog
Tagged with: assume, bedroom, clean, important, pregnant, read
Posted on February 9, 2009
My husband and I have been trying to have a second child now for three years. It took us a year and a half to conceive our daughter, and we figured that since we had obviously figured out how to do it, it would be easy the second time. WRONG! Although all our tests are clean, we have not been able to “get one past the goalie” as my husband so eloquently puts it.
Not too long ago, we decided that we would take our trying to the next level and follow our doctor’s advice to go on Clomid, the fertility drug that is prescribed to a lot of women in my situation. As we were chatting with the doctor, I decided to be frank and asked, “So, doc, is this the drug that will turn me into a raving lunatic?” She laughed and diplomatically said, “Well, there can be some side effects with the increase of hormones in your system.” She then proceeded to give us the instructions on how to take the drugs. “Take them from days 3-7 and then have sex on days 8, 10, 12, 14, 16, and 18.” Turning to my husband, she then said, “If you have any business trips to take, schedule them for the rest of her cycle.” And then she gave him a very sympathetic smile. Humm. I suppose this was her way of being more direct to my earlier question. We got a good giggle and left the office to follow her instructions.
Now, for all of you out there who are thinking “I wish I could have sex that often!” let me say that doctor prescribed sex is not all it’s cracked up to be. In fact, it is awful. It turns something that is supposed to be fun, pleasurable and even spiritual into a chore that needs to be ticked off your “to-do” list. You have to do it (or else you feel guilty for not doing your best to get pregnant), you can’t use lubricant (it kills the sperm), and there is no cuddling afterwards (your bum is stuck up in the air on a pillow). Add that to the hormonal changes you go through if you are on the fertility drugs, and ups and downs you feel as you hope, hope, hope and then are disappointed, and the whole experience can really make your sex life take a nose-dive.
In my business as a Passion Coach, many women have come to me to discuss the ramifications of infertility on their sex lives. Their stories are remarkably similar. They speak about the fact that their minds are constantly on getting pregnant, which makes it very difficult to be romantic and stay in the mood because their mind keeps wandering to whether or not this will be the time that they conceive. They are constantly thinking about what day it is, and whether their period is going to come this month or not. Some husbands feel so much pressure that they cannot get and maintain an erection (which, of course, frustrates both them and their wives!). And underling all of their experiences – the waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting.
So, how do we maintain good sex lives in the midst of all of this? Here are a few suggestions:
- Add variety to love-making (change rooms or the time of day that you have sex, add candles or music, play strip poker, etc.)
- Make sure to have sex even on days which are not “doctor prescribed” so that your sexual relationship isn’t completely tied to the task of procreation
- Find some friends or a support group to talk to so that you don’t feel isolated during this time
- Try to find the humor in the midst of attempts to conceive (ie: read a funny yet honest blog, allow yourself to laugh)
- Take steps to reduce stress in your life (ie: physical exercise, learn stress reduction techniques such as yoga, choose to try to conceive during times of lower stress in your career, and laugh (see point above)
- Explore other options like adoption, IVF, or acupuncture
- Set a time period of “trying” interspersed with a period of taking a break (and really take the break – toss out the charts, put away the thermometer, stop tracking your cycle)
- As best as possible, make peace with the concept of not having a biological child
But at the end of the day, the thing to remember through this is what originally drove this whole thing – a desire to come together as a couple in the deepest of ways. I say that we need to remember that because in the midst of “baby making sex” it is easy to forget to make love. And that is what this is all about really. The intent of the exercise is to fall deeper in love with your spouse, so don’t let it become a wedge that drives you apart.
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Tagged with: acupuncture, adoption, candles, children, Clomid, cuddling, doctor, doctor prescribed sex, drugs, erection, exercise, fall in love, fertility drugs, frustration, guilty, hope, hormones, infertility, IVF, love-making, lubricant, music, passion coach, period, pleasure, pregnant, romance, sex, side effects, sperm, stress, strip poker, support group, yoga
Posted on January 12, 2009
Dear Eryn-Faye,
My fiancee and I are both virgins. We are waiting until marriage. We would like our first time to be natural (i.e. no condom/ interference with contact) but also do not want to get pregnant. She has medical conditions that prevent her from being on any pill/insert/hormonal supplement. We would not mind bringing in condoms after the first time. Any advice?
I totally understand your desire to have the first time feel as natural as possible. However, there is no way to guarantee that you won’t get pregnant. Even though using a condom is not 100% accurate, it is the best option when you cannot use the other methods (the pill, the patch, the shot, the IUD, the ring, etc.). You will raise the risk of pregnancy significantly if you choose not to use a condom. You could look into a spermicidal lubricant so that you are not completely unprotected, but this is certainly not fool-proof and you could easily get pregnant on your wedding night. If you do choose this option, have your fiancée apply it as a “test run” before your wedding night to ensure that she is not allergic to any of the ingredients in it. Ultimately, the two of you need to make the decision together as to what is more important – protecting against pregnancy or having a “natural” experience – because you can’t be guaranteed to have both at once.
But as a professional, who has coached hundreds of people in the area of sexuality, please allow me to give you a few pointers which you might find helpful. Oftentimes, we have preconceived (and incorrect) notions of what sex will be like before we actually engage in it. Understanding the realities beforehand greatly increases our chances of enjoying that first experience.
- Most men, when they have not had sex before their wedding night, experience orgasm very quickly. This will not be a contentious issue if both of you are have realistic expectations on your wedding night. Having a condom on actually helps you have longer staying power, which will be helpful to your bride’s enjoyment of the experience. Just a thought.
- Take a lubricant on your honeymoon. The ability to lubricate to the extent needed varies from woman to woman, and having a lubricant on hand will greatly increase her comfort and therefore enjoyment. I am a fan of water-based lubricants as they are the easiest to clean up, but feel free to find what works for you. Here are some choices.
- Encourage your fiancée to go to the doctor a few months before the big day, tell him/her that she is a virgin and about to have sex for the first time. If the doctor sees that she is particularly small, there are ways for her to stretch herself in preparation for you. While this might seem a bit embarrassing right now, trust me, it is so much better than her being in a lot of pain the first time (or first week or even first month) that you have sex!!
- Read up on the female orgasm! The male orgasm is far less complex than the female orgasm. Fewer than 30% of women have an orgasm through vaginal penetration alone – the vast majority of women need stimulation on the clitoris in order to orgasm. Allowing your bride to “go first” will increase the chances of sufficient lubrication, allow her to be more relaxed, and ensure that both of you will be satisfied. If she doesn’t have an orgasm on that first night, don’t worry! The two of you have a lifetime together to figure it all out. (However, do write me back – or have her write me – so that I can give you some tips and suggestions for that department!)
- Be prepared for a clean up afterwards! Bring a hand towel, or box of Kleenex to bed with you so that you don’t have to sleep in the “wet spot” your first night together. Besides, great sex often requires a shower afterwards!
I realize that my answer goes beyond what you were asking originally, but I would love for the two of you to have the very best experience possible on your wedding night. Remember that sex is not a “gifting” that some people are endowed with and others are not. Instead, think of it as a skill set that the two of you will learn and perfect over time together. I would love to hear from you again (and your fiancée too) if you have any further comments or questions!!
Sincerely,
Eryn-Faye, Passion Coach
1 Comment - Posted in Ask Eryn-Faye
Tagged with: condom, enjoyment, female orgasm, husband, intercourse, intimacy, lubricants, marriage, orgasm, pregnancy, pregnant, sex, wedding night, wet spot
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