Commitment 101

So?  How’s the communication going?  You have to love a teacher that ENCOURAGES talking in class!  We are breaking the school mold there aren’t we?  Did you find out what your lover’s love language is?  Did you already know?  How about your own love language?  Did you know what it was before you did the exercise?

Now that you know how to “talk” to each other in the way each of you hear “I Love You” best, have you been telling each other everyday?  Feel free to share with us what you have been learning.  Discussion is the best way for all of us to learn - especially when the topic was communication!!

Since last time I forced a “pop quiz” on you, this time I promise no testing.  Today is more about class work.  I hear you guys…”lecture, tests, class work - when do we have a time devoted to nothing but recess?”  It will come.  Have a little patience.

Today we are going to talk about one of the core pillars of a relationship - commitment.  I know that for some people, “commitment” is like a really long 4-letter word.  It evokes fear and loathing and possibly twitches and facial ticks.  But it need not.  Since we are all in (or preparing for) long-term relationships here, let me try and explain it from a different point of view.

Let’s go over to the play area in the classroom - over there where the building blocks are.  See this block?  Commitment is like this block.  It is the foundational component required to build the level of trust necessary for a complete sex life.  Ahhh…that got your attention didn’t it.  See, the stronger the commitment (or foundation), the greater the trust can flourish.  The greater the level of trust, the deeper the level of intimacy.  When you have deep levels of trust and intimacy, sex becomes more creative and enacted with “reckless abandon” because there is no fear.  This will allow you to build a sex life that will have you waking up each morning already looking forward to when you get to go to bed together again!

Now, to be fair, commitment does not always equal trust, but in a relationship, a lack of commitment is always indicative of a lack of trust.  And generally speaking, a lack of trust will lead you to a sexless marriage/relationship faster than you can turn on the TV or say, “I have a headache”.

I see those hands raised all over the class.  And I love that all the men are asking the same question. “how do I build that foundation?”   Well, that is a two way street boys and girls.  Commitment and trust go hand in hand.  You cannot really build one without affecting the other.

You see, trust is the culmination of good communication and constant maintenance. Relationships are based upon trust and cannot exist without it. Taking the time to practice trust building is not only a good idea - it is absolutely necessary.  The “constant maintenance” that I speak of is the day-to-day part of commitment.  Keeping a commitment starts with making the decision to show up day after day after day.  Taking it a level deeper is to say, I will not leave. To use the school analogy, it is to decide that you will not drop the class even if you fail a test or an exercise.  It is to say, “I will stick with the material until I bring this up to an A.”  Remember that when working towards a goal, you must focus on what you want to obtain and avoid the impulse to go back to what you know and to what is comfortable.  Often times commitment is not comfortable, but true living is outside the proverbial comfort zone.

One of the greatest examples of commitment in history was the Spanish Conquistador Hernando Cortez.  When he landed in Mexico, one of his first orders to his men was to burn the ships.  Cortez was committed to his mission and did not want to allow himself or his men the option of going back to Spain.  By removing this option to leave, Cortez and his men were forced to focus on how they could make the mission successful.   That is the beauty of commitment, once you make a commitment you are forced to focus on how to make it successful.  Cortez did not try to make the mission comfortable.  They did not build huts, plug in an Xbox and simply exist there since they couldn’t go back.  They looked for opportunities to make everything about the experience positive and worthwhile.  They actively and daily sought success within the commitment of the mission.

It is no different in our lives; commitment is a series of conscious choices.  A conscious choice to not attack or berate your lover when an argument starts (even if you didn’t start it).  A conscious choice to put your lover’s needs above your own (even when your needs are just as important to you).  A conscious choice to speak their love language each day.  A conscious choice to not slide into a comfortable apathy of existence.  These are the basic activities of commitment.

Trust, on the other hand, can be “practiced” in more tangible ways.  Oh sure, keeping your word is a huge way to build trust.  Doing what you say you will do, and not doing what you promised you wouldn’t do - these are trust-building activities.  I am constantly telling my 5-year-old daughter that “promises matter” - and at that early age she knows better than to make one lightly.  Because make no mistake, trust is built and earned.  In fact, there is an old saying goes something like this: “Trust takes a long time to build up, but can be destroyed in an instant.”  For each of you to trust the other, you are required to put yourself out on the line and the other is required to be there for you.  Let me put it another way.

We learn to trust only by repeatedly taking personal risk and experiencing positive outcomes.

If you are not willing to take personal risk - you can never learn to trust.  If your lover does not affect your outcome from that risk in a positive manner - you cannot learn to trust them.

Since we are over here in the activity center of the classroom, lets talk about some trust building exercises we can do!  I am going to give you a few activities for you to do at home.  Try them all out.  Some you might like, some you might find uncomfortable and some you might flat out dislike.  That’s okay.  Do them anyways.  They don’t take long and they really do help bring to the surface matters involving trust.   When I talk with couples about trust, I usually ask them directly if they trust one another. Invariably I get “Yes” for an answer, even if it is hesitant.  But if we dig a little deeper we often discover that this trust level is conditional. Yes, they trust one another to behavior generally within the bounds of acceptable social behavior.  Yes, they trust each other to do the minimum accepted standards of relationship care.  Yes, they trust each other to keep the expectations down.  It reminds me of that line from the Gin Blossoms’ song, Hey Jealousy:

You can trust me not to drink, and not to sleep around…and if you don’t expect too much from me, you might not be let down.

I think we can, and should, be comfortable with expecting a little more than that from our lover.

First exercise: eye contact. Yep, it is as simple as that.  Sit directly across from your lover (not too far apart) and look into each other’s eyes without looking away for 60 seconds.  I know how easy this sounds.  But the point is not to make each other laugh or giggle.  The point is to honestly look into each other’s eyes.  They say the eyes are the windows to the soul.  But so often we pass by those windows without ever really looking inside.  Of course, we often pull the shades on those windows too because we would rather not let people see what’s in there.  So for each of you, in quiet contemplation, look into the other’s eyes while opening up and letting them see in yours.  Then discuss what you did.  What did you think about the exercise?  How did it make you feel about the other person?  If you could let your lover see into your soul, would you be comfortable letting them?

Second exercise: same thing only different.  This time sit directly across from your lover (not too far apart) and look into each other’s eyes without looking away for 60 seconds.  BUT, this time, I want the two of you touching.  Hold hands.  Interlock fingers.  Practice “interdigitation” as my husband likes to call it.  Stroke the palms of each other’s hands (if you aren’t too ticklish).  Make physical contact the entire time.  And with the understanding you gained from the previous exercise, see if you can look deeper and see more of your lover this time.  The discussion points are the same for you afterwards.

Third exercise:  proximity alert. This time sit directly across from your lover (not too far apart) and look into each other’s eyes without looking away for 60 seconds.  BUT during the exercise, keep moving closer to each other - slowly.  Inch by inch (or millimeter by millimeter if you prefer metric) ever so slowly move closer and closer to one another. This will eventually put you in each other’s personal space.  That is part of the exercise, don’t stop it from happening.  If you touch noses, you moved too quickly.  If you don’t get in each other’s personal space, you moved to slowly.  Try again in these instances.  (Or hold still touching noses if you can do it without laughing).   Afterwards talk about how proximity to each other helped or hindered looking into each other’s eyes. Did you feel closer as you got closer?  Did being that close with your eyes open make you uncomfortable?  And why or why not?

Final exercise: together write a relationship commitment statement.  This will allow you to verbalize exactly what your commitment is to the relationship and to each other.  If it helps, think of it like a company’s mission statement.  It should include: your purpose, goals, and commitments.  What is the purpose of your relationship?  What are your goals in your relationship?  What are your commitments to each other in this relationship?

These are great conversations to have.  Then put your answers into a formal relationship commitment statement.  Put it on paper.  Have it framed and hung on your bedroom wall.  Turn the making of it into a work project for the two of you.  Put as much effort into “making” it as you did talking it into existence.

And remember that to avoid turning around and abandoning your goals, you must make going forward more compelling then going back.  So our next class will focus on some things that might help “compel you forward” in your relationship. Yes, guys…that means sex.