Creating space for meaningful conversations about sexual intimacy.

 

Posts tagged: relationships

What My Vitamix Blender Has Taught Me About Love

Posted on April 17, 2012

I have a new addiction in my life. It’s a Vitamix blender. On our recent trip to Texas, we picked one up and since we returned, I have been using it 2-3 times a day. It is truly a glorious thing. You can even make soup in it. Blend for 10 minutes, and it is steaming hot!

My daughter is wholly on board with the new toy too. Every morning, she says to me, “Can I have a smoothie for lunch?” Of course I say yes, because it gives me another opportunity to indulge in my addiction. That, and the fact that she now – very happily – skips off to school to eat a staggering conglomeration of fruits and veggies without a whimper of protest. The amount of spinach that child has consumed is nothing short of a miracle.

But here is what my Vitamix has taught me. One of my passions, one of my “causes” in life is healthy living. This stems back to the fact that I became a cancer orphan at 21, my aunt is a breast-cancer survivor, my sister has had pre-cancerous cells and my daughter was diagnosed with Severe Chronic Neutropenia at 13 months. Pretty grim.

However, I have also realized that my cause stems from a deep desire to love my family. As Bell Hooks says, “To begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone using the word in this manner automatically assumes accountability and responsibility.”

I crazy love my family. I truly believe my husband to be the most amazing man and my daughter to be the most fascinating girl on the face of the planet. But loving them entails taking care of myself. When I choose to put down the candy bar and replace it with an apple, it is not because I am trying to look like Jennifer Garner (although she is gorgeous and there are days when I would really like to look like her), but it is because what I put in my body is my act of love for Eric and Riley. It extends far beyond speaking love and becomes doing love.

It says, “I choose to do all I can do to make it to your wedding and to the birth of your children.” It says, “I choose to sacrifice that candy bar so that I have more energy for you.” It says, “I choose to eat well so that my brain functions better…and I am thereby more patient, kind and compassionate with you.” It says, “Even though I would really like to go on a binge, I choose you instead.”

Some days, I do better than others. But that’s ok. Because it not about expecting perfection of myself, it is about choosing the journey.

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Play time!

Posted on June 7, 2011

There is a story that is often told of Gregory Bateson, an anthropologist and the husband of the Margaret Mead. He was asked to come observe a group of otters that seemed depressed to their zookeepers. Otters, if you didn’t know, love to play. You can watch them for hours as they leap, swim, wrestle with each other and get up to all sorts of antics. These otters, however, seemed listless and lethargic.

 

After watching the animals for a number of days, Bateson dangled a piece of paper on string into their habitat. Before long, an otter came over to the string and began to bat at it. Very soon after, another otter joined in and then both otters started to play with each other. Even when Bateson removed the paper on the string, the otters continued to play.

How did two otters – creatures that are playful by nature – stop playing? Simply put, they got bored.

 

It is very easy for couples to get bored and, by extension, stop playing with each other when they have been married for years.

 

I was recently chatting with a client, and she mentioned that her husband liked to pull out a stuffed animal, put on an alter-ego voice, and make silly comments. She didn’t have a clue how to respond. Naturally a very serious person, this activity seemed very confusing to her. When I suggested that she make a silly comment in return – something fun and playful – it made her stop and think because it had been so long since she had been playful in their marriage.

 

Are you playful together? Believe it or not, this can be one of the most effective tools to making your relationship last. If you are having a lot of fun together, it makes it much harder to split up.

 

What are you doing to be playful with your spouse? Do you need to introduce something new into your environment to remind the two of you how to play again? What will that something new be? (as a suggestion: you might want to try something different than a just piece of paper on a string!) How can you make your spouse laugh this week? Can you surprise your spouse with something that will completely delight him or her?

 

As you think about those questions, let me leave you with a video of two otters, taking a nap at the Vancouver Aquarium. They are holding hands so that they will not float apart.

Remember: Playfulness not only combats boredom, but it also engenders intimacy.

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Failure Doesn’t Equal Success…but it can get you there!

Posted on May 18, 2011

Last week, my daughter bombed a math test. Flunked. Failed. In a big and mighty way. So big, in fact, that the teacher called me into the classroom to show me the test.

Later, when Riley and I were talking about it, she began to tear up.

 

“Are you saying that I made a bad grade?” she asked as her lower lip quivered.

 

I hesitated for a beat and then said, “Yes, Baby Girl, you made a bad grade.”

 

A lot of parents would be horrified with me. I can hear them saying, “What?! You don’t use the term bad when talking to a child!” I could hear them complain that I was going to scar my child or permanently damage her self esteem.

 

In our society today, we have become so concerned with the emotions of our children that we will lie, cheat and steal to keep them from feeling badly. The theory goes that if we can organize a world where they feel safe and secure and loved and comfortable all the time, then surely they will become confident adults.

 

The problem with this approach is that it simply doesn’t work. An obese child who is told that she is fine just the way she is will still grow up with be an adult with chronic health problems. A child whose bullying behaviour is overlooked because he is having problems at home that are not his fault will not learn how to care for those around him. A child who thinks that a failed grade is actually good will never learn how to succeed.

 

And so I let my daughter feel the full weight of failure.

 

And then I gave her the tools to succeed.

“You see, Riley, a bad grade tells us two things: 1) You don’t understand the material and/or 2) You did not practice enough before the test. However, both of these things are fixable. We can make sure you learn the material and give you lots of practice so that when you will not make this grade again.”

 

The rest of the weekend, we worked hard. It was obvious that Riley was missing the foundational pieces to the concepts and so we made sure she got them. Then we built on the foundation until she was grasping math which was much more difficult than the concepts on the test.

 

She got it. She grew confident. She asked to practice so she could show us what she had learned. And she learned how to turn failure into success, a life lesson that is exponentially more important than a math grade.

 

Many of the couples I meet struggle even admitting that there is failure in their relationship. They dance around the subject, trying to project an image that is perfect. They hope that I don’t ask any questions that might poke that delicate exterior and expose it for what it truly is.

 

But, just like Riley, if we do not take an honest appraisal of our work and if we do not acknowledge places where we fail, we will never be able to move past failure to success. Admitting you have a problem, as they say in Alcoholics Anonymous, is the first step to a new life. The brilliance of taking this first step is that you can make changes, fix the problems and move to a place of health and true happiness.

 

What do you have in your relationship that is not working?   What is failing?

 

Once you have taken an inventory, begin to make changes. Need some help? You can book your coaching session with me today.

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The Quickie vs. Making Love Debate

Posted on May 9, 2011

This past weekend, I was speaking to a group of pastors and their spouses on The Essential Elements of Sex. As I began to talk about the concept of making love versus having a quickie, one woman called out, “Sometimes you just need a snack!” The room dissolved into laughter and even the most shy in the room were giggling in approval.

As a coach, one of the common complaints that I hear is that the woman wants to “make love” and feels that her husband just wants to have “a quickie”. The former evokes images of a couple looking into each other’s eyes and kissing deeply while the latter conjures up the picture of getting pinned against the wall and being taken right then and there. Both can be deeply passionate, just different forms of expressing the passion.

 

Sometimes, sex will be a deep, soul-connecting intimacy with our spouse. Other times, it will just be a way to experience pleasure together quickly. Sometimes it will be a two-hour experience; sometimes it won’t last ten minutes. Sometimes it will be long and luxurious; other times it will be fast and frantic. Sometimes both spouses will walk away having experienced orgasm; other times the focus is on one person alone.

 

Difficulty arises, however, when couples fall into a rut of believing that it has to be one or the other… all the time. I have seen husbands refuse to acknowledge the need to make love and I have met wives who insist that each and every sexual encounter must be “making love”. A dogmatic adherence to one or the other undermines true intimacy. A steady diet of quickies denies the concepts of exploration, creativity, and deep communication because, amongst other reasons, there is simply no time to venture into those areas. On the other hand, if couples only have sex when they have time to make love, they might never get to it out of sheer busyness!

 

Both types of sex build intimacy if they are done in balance. Sometimes you need a gourmet meal; sometimes you need a snack.

 

Which one do you need to work into your sex life to regain balance?

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Being a Parent vs Being a Spouse

Posted on April 5, 2011

Does time with your spouse get squeezed out because you are spending so much on your kids? Read this article for tips on bringing balance and protecting your marriage.

Being a Parent vs Being a Spouse

And remember these 4 tips:

  1. Your marriage is one of the most important relationships in your life.
  2. Children need to see you two as a couple who will, at times, need to make that relationship top priority.
  3. Limit your child’s extracurricular activities to one or two special ones. Let them understand that they need to choose. You’ll be surprised how having less “running around” will limit exhaustion and free up some much needed time for you.
  4. If you have children from a previous marriage, include your new spouse in the time you spend with them. It will alleviate tension and resentment.

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Winning Isn’t Everything

Posted on June 7, 2010

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Not too long ago, a dear friend came to visit us. During the course of her stay, we had much discussion about her new career. After years of working in the field of web design, she has taken to has taken up designing board games. She seems to have a natural talent for it; two of her prototypes have a very strong potential to be published in the next year.  Not bad for a newbie designer.

Because my repertoire of games runs the very uncreative gambit from Go Fish to Monopoly, I found this new world to be completely fascinating. The more I learned about the intricacies of the process of publishing games, the more impressed I became. And, of course, you can’t hang out with a game designer without playing a lot of games. So, after Riley was put to bed at night, our friend would pull out various games and we would play.

One game, Dominion, was addictive. We played every chance we could get. The hours would melt away, and I would look at the clock in horror when I realized it was late into the morning hours and we were still playing.

Needless to say, once our friend returned home, Eric and I immediately purchased the game. After all, TV had become incredibly boring in light of the fact that we could collect gold and potions and other such fun baubles.

Fairly quickly, however, I noticed a disturbing trend. Eric and I would play; he would beat me (badly); I would get angry; I would go to bed in a huff. Evidently, my husband’s skill at the game had escaped my notice when there were several people playing and was magnified when it was just the two of us. We were not just playing the game of Dominion on the kitchen table; it was manifesting itself in our relationship too. The fact that he won ALL THE TIME had me seriously pissed off.

Have you ever tried to have sex when you are pissed off? It doesn’t work so well. Pretty soon I noticed that it had been a long time since we had sex. (I will refrain from mentioning a specific time frame here only because I believe that every one should decide for their own relationship how much sex is “enough”. Just take my word that, for us, it was a long time.)

Since we both saw the pattern of drought that was emerging, we would start the evening with the best of intentions. “Let’s play a quick game and then have sex,” I would enthuse. (Why didn’t I reverse the order, you ask? Simply put, our five-year old does not go to sleep immediately at bed time, so we have a “no sex” safety-buffer zone for about an hour after we put her down.)

And then, after one game, I would want another…and another. But by the time my husband had thoroughly trounced me over and over, I was physically and emotionally exhausted and ready to call it an evening. “I don’t like playing with you,” I would pout. Until the next night came and I would ask to play again. Seriously, a therapist would probably have a field-day with me.

I did get me thinking, though. The game of Dominion might seem like a silly example, but there are lots of little irritations that we allow to invade our sex lives:

  • He doesn’t pick up his socks and has no clue about the enormous amount of housework that I have to do = No sex for you buddy.
  • She is watching her TV shows (again), so I will roll over and fall asleep. Pocket veto.

Really, at the end of the day, there are so many things that get in the way of a good sex life that really shouldn’t get in the way. Isn’t your sex life more important?

Finally, FINALLY, I took a bit of my own advice and decided to do something about this issue. I had a few options:

1)   I could stop playing the game.

2)   I could change my attitude towards winning. My husband, to his defense, was trying to teach me new strategies so that I could get better. He wasn’t being a jerk about the whole thing. Really. No, really.

3)   I could do some work during the “buffer” time, then have sex, then play the game. (And get pissed off or not at that point…either way it wouldn’t have impact on our sex life!)

4)   Try other options that hadn’t yet occurred to me.

Recognizing what we need to change and then going and making that change is challenging. My problem was that I enjoyed the behaviour that ultimately led to my anger. I liked playing the game. I liked trying to win. But the long-term effect was counter-productive for my relationship. So I needed to change.

I personally chose a combination of options 2 and 3. We still play the game, and I still have delusions of beating Eric, but it no longer has a negative impact on our sex life. And in my mind, that is a pretty big win.

And I take my wins where I can get them, because they still aren’t happening in Dominion…but I’m not bitter (anymore)!!

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What your sex life can learn from the Olympics

Posted on March 2, 2010

Last weekend Eric and I had our kid-free weekend. (We swap weekends with another couple so that every other month, we get a weekend alone. I highly recommend it!) This month’s question: What do you do when your child is taken care of? Go to the Olympics, of course!!

There are a dozen things I could share with you about my Olympic experience that you can apply to your sex life. The aerials alone should make you stop and pause. But here is the thing that struck me the most profoundly: the efficiency.

Everywhere we went, Olympic committee had thought ahead and anticipated the questions that people would ask and the things they would need. Trying to get to the flame? People were stationed in life-guard towers at every corner giving directions so that the crowds moved along quickly and without confusion. Not sure how this long line translates into actual waiting minutes? There was someone there to tell you. Turns out that line that looks like half an hour long is only ten minutes. Who knew!? Got someone trying to budge in line and pretending they are just lost? A security person would magically appear and graciously point them to the end of the line.

In essence, they had simplified the process. Considering the glut of people who had descended on the city and the chaos that could have ensued, people where happy and cheerful because (even when they were squashed like sardines on the Skytrain) their needs had been anticipated and met.

Often in long term relationships, we allow the swell of the details in our life to derail our intimacy with our lovers. In the clutter and chaos, our time together dissolves into two tired people zoning out to a TV show. But what if we could anticipate our spouse’s needs and then streamline our life so they are better met? Sex doesn’t just magically happen once you have been married for a few years. You have to clear things out of the way for it to happen.

What do you need to simplify in your life so that sex is more possible? What do you need to eliminate, delegate or ask for help on so that it can happen? What needs does your spouse have that you need to anticipate and meet? What systems are you going to put in place to make that possible?

Sitting with a bull-horn on a life-guard stand is probably not the solution, but you get the idea!  Share some of your ideas!

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High School Reunion: Glory Days

Posted on October 8, 2009

So tomorrow night I am going to my huband’s 20th high school reunion.  He went to high school in Texas, and so by state law (I assume) reunions are held on homecoming, which again by law, must coincide with a football game.  So, I am going to get all dressed up and go watch a high school football game with my husband while at the same time meeting everyone from his graduating class.

Now, just so we are all clear on the background here, I did not know Eric in high school.  We lived in different parts of the state (or different parts of the continent depending on what years of high school we are talking about).  I moved from Canada to Texas when I was a freshman (9th grade).  Eric lived his entire life in Texas.  So, aside from a few dear friends that I made and still keep in contact with, high school was not that great a time in my life.  I am very glad it is over.  Eric, on the other hand, loved every minute of high school.  High school was like a 4 year party for him.  He fully embraced the whole high school experience – played sports, did well in academics, had HUGE number of friends (and evidently a whole load of girlfriends too).  So going back to visit his old stomping grounds holds great attraction for him.  Going back to high school, any high school really, is a far less attractive concept for me.  Add to this the fact that we don’t even live in the country (much less the state or city) and I know NO ONE ELSE that will be attending, and well, I am freely admitting that I am going only because I love my husband and it will make him happy.

But this whole 20 year reunion thing has been making me think lately.  When we graduate from high school (whether we loved it or loathed it) we are always looking forward.  It is a new chapter in our life.  In many ways high school graduation is a rite of passage.  Some people go to college, some go into the working world, some get married – the possibilities are endless.  And that is what has gotten me thinking.  Endless possibilities faced us.  We could do anything we wanted.  We could chase our dreams.  Do you remember what your dreams were coming out of high school?  Did you have your future planned out?  Where did you see yourself in 10, 20, 30, 40 years?

Now fast forward.  How long has it been since you finished high school?  Have you accomplished everything that you thought you would?  Have you gone everywhere you wanted to go?  Did you marry the person you dreamed you would (or at least the kind of person you thought you would)?

Why or why not?  Were you dreaming the wrong dreams, or have you just not gotten around to chasing them yet?  Has life gotten in the way of what you wanted, or have your desires changed as you matured and grown?

If you did absolutely everything you wanted to do coming out of high school, then what did you do after it was all accomplished?  How did your ideas change?

Now, since I am a passion coach, think about your relationship.  Is it everything you wanted it to be?  Is the intimacy at the level you thought it would be?  Is the communication as strong as you wanted it to be?  Is your sex life as fulfilling as you dreamed it would be?

Have you ever sat down with your lover and talked about what your dreams and goals for each of these areas are?  Do you know what his/hers are?   Maybe the two of you should have your own intimate “reunion”.  Get a sitter, go out some place – like where you met – and talk about what your dreams were for the relationship when it started.  See where you are now compared with then.  And talk about how things have changed.  Talk about how time and maturity have changed you.  Talk about what your goals and dreams are now, and how you can reach them together.  Get back to that place of infinite possibility and re-create your future together.

Trust me, it will be WAY more fun than reliving your spouse’s glory days with a bunch of people you don’t know.  I kid, I kid.  I love you husband and I can’t wait to find out more about the man I love and who he was a teenager!  Though, I am pretty sure that I am more impressed with who you are today than who you were then!!

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Flicking the Bean

Posted on August 11, 2009

A week later, I am still quoting The Ugly Truth to anyone who will listen to me. Friends have heard the run-down and I have giggled with women at parties about it. In fact, I even found myself sharing a scene from the movie during a coaching session with a client.

In this scene, the leading man asks the leading lady how often she “flicks the bean”. She is horrified and tells him that she doesn’t do that. He responds, “If you don’t even want to have sex with you, what makes you think that he will want to have sex with you?”

Controversial? Maybe.

Crass? Probably.

Thought provoking? Definitely.

Here is what I have found in my coaching business. Women who refuse to touch themselves as they are growing up have much more difficulty in their sex lives than women who masturbated before marriage. Why? Because prior to their sexual relationship, women in the former group (Group One) don’t have a clue what turns them on, what type of touch they enjoy, and what brings them to orgasm. Women in the latter group (Group Two), by contrast, are experts on their own bodies before a man enters the picture.

Granted, there are definitely couples who successfully navigate the Group One’s lack of experimentation. They typically have excellent communication skills, a shared sense of adventure and a lot of self-confidence going into their relationship. They understand that they will be figuring this stuff out together and are not embarrassed to make a lot of mistakes along the way.

Most couples, however, don’t get that far. A woman who has never given herself permission to explore her own body might also be terribly intimidated to talk about the ins and outs (pun intended) of sex. If she doesn’t have a community around her which is helping her find the words to communicate her desires effectively to her husband, and if he is just as lost as she is, then their relationship will slowly spiral downwards. Pleasure for her becomes allusive or utterly absent and the desire for sex tapers off as the years go on. And if you have paid attention to my writings on sexless or sex-starved marriages, you know that this can have serious ramifications on their marriage. (erynfaye.com/oh-me-so-horny/)

Even if women in Group Two struggle with their communication (and let me say that talking about sex with our lover can be intimidating for the most knowledgeable of us), they at least know what works. This gives them a basis upon which they can nudge him in the right direction, drop hints, or even allow their husbands to watch and learn. These women have a target which is clearly defined; they have success in hitting that target, and just have to work towards training their husbands to hit it. The barriers to them experiencing pleasure in their relationship are not as numerous.

Are there parameters that I personally put on the masturbation exploration? Yes. I am not a huge fan of a woman (or a man for that matter) using porn to arouse themselves. I have seen far too many couples slide into an unhealthy need (some would even use the word addiction) for porn. I am a big believer that there are lots of other ways you can become aroused without the use of this risky behaviour.

However, outside of this little restriction, my advice is or those of you who want to figure things out, you have my permission: Go flick the bean.

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The Ugly Truth

Posted on August 3, 2009

Last night my husband and I went on a double date to the see the movie, “The Ugly Truth“. The movie had been the other couple’s idea because when they had seen it previously, they looked at each other as the credits rolled up and simultaneously said, “We have to bring the Franses to this film!” I am often afraid to take other’s opinions on movies because “good” is so relative to personal tastes with them, but I have to admit that it might be the best romantic comedy I have ever seen. (I was going to call it a chick flick, but this would be a dreadful misrepresentation of the movie.)

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Since I am still nursing a broken foot, the others sent me ahead to save seats while they found parking spaces and bought goodies. (Ok, that’s not exactly true. Turns out, my husband and I had a major mis-communication and I inadvertently sent him on a wild goose chase errand which took quite a bit of time and left me alone in the theater watching it fill up wondering whether I had wandered into the wrong theatre and the others were trying to locate the poor cripple who was obviously blind as well. But I digress.) As I watched the theatre fill up, I couldn’t help but notice that it was comprised mostly of couples. I found this interesting because in other movies of this genre, the audience is mostly female with the exception of the few males who have very obviously been dragged there to appease their women folk. Furthermore, I realized that throughout the film, the men laughed as hard, if not harder, than the women. The brilliance of the film is that it speaks the thoughts on the mind of millions of men – hence The Ugly Truth.

It struck a chord with me because my personal opinion (based on professional observations) is that we as a culture try to feminize men to get them to fit our definition of a “good” and “healthy” relationship. Whether or not we are willing to acknowledge it, women want men to be women. We want to enjoy deep gazes into each other’s eyes (let’s ignore the research that tells us that even male babies of four months old avoid eye contract because that’s just not how they are made) or have endless conversations about our feelings and deepest thoughts (let’s denigrate them because men actually take action  rather than just talk). We might have initially been attracted to them for their masculine traits (they were mysterious back then) but then the minute we walk down the aisle, we want them to turn into our closest girlfriend. Our vision of a perfect relationship is, well, feminine.

Not only do we think that this is what we deserve, but then we judge men for not being women rather than valuing, respecting and indeed even loving their differences. And in my vaguely humble opinion, men really have traits and opinions and points of view that women desperately need.  In “The Ugly Truth”, we see Hollywood explore these concepts. And the end product is a film that is incredibly entertaining for both women and men. Yes, it is crass. Yes, there is lots of cussing. Yes, it will most likely offend your sensibilities. But go see it anyways.  And take your lover with you!!  And then come back and tell me what you think!

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Eryn-Faye’s Feature Videos

VIDEOS TO BE REVEALED SHORTLY…