What your sex life can learn from the Olympics

Last weekend Eric and I had our kid-free weekend. (We swap weekends with another couple so that every other month, we get a weekend alone. I highly recommend it!) This month’s question: What do you do when your child is taken care of? Go to the Olympics, of course!!

There are a dozen things I could share with you about my Olympic experience that you can apply to your sex life. The aerials alone should make you stop and pause. But here is the thing that struck me the most profoundly: the efficiency.

Everywhere we went, Olympic committee had thought ahead and anticipated the questions that people would ask and the things they would need. Trying to get to the flame? People were stationed in life-guard towers at every corner giving directions so that the crowds moved along quickly and without confusion. Not sure how this long line translates into actual waiting minutes? There was someone there to tell you. Turns out that line that looks like half an hour long is only ten minutes. Who knew!? Got someone trying to budge in line and pretending they are just lost? A security person would magically appear and graciously point them to the end of the line.

In essence, they had simplified the process. Considering the glut of people who had descended on the city and the chaos that could have ensued, people where happy and cheerful because (even when they were squashed like sardines on the Skytrain) their needs had been anticipated and met.

Often in long term relationships, we allow the swell of the details in our life to derail our intimacy with our lovers. In the clutter and chaos, our time together dissolves into two tired people zoning out to a TV show. But what if we could anticipate our spouse’s needs and then streamline our life so they are better met? Sex doesn’t just magically happen once you have been married for a few years. You have to clear things out of the way for it to happen.

What do you need to simplify in your life so that sex is more possible? What do you need to eliminate, delegate or ask for help on so that it can happen? What needs does your spouse have that you need to anticipate and meet? What systems are you going to put in place to make that possible?

Sitting with a bull-horn on a life-guard stand is probably not the solution, but you get the idea!  Share some of your ideas!

High School Reunion: Glory Days

So tomorrow night I am going to my huband’s 20^th high school reunion.  He went to high school in Texas, and so by state law (I assume) reunions are held on homecoming, which again by law, must coincide with a football game.  So, I am going to get all dressed up and go watch a high school football game with my husband while at the same time meeting everyone from his graduating class.

Now, just so we are all clear on the background here, I did not know Eric in high school.  We lived in different parts of the state (or different parts of the continent depending on what years of high school we are talking about).  I moved from Canada to Texas when I was a freshman (9^th grade).  Eric lived his entire life in Texas.  So, aside from a few dear friends that I made and still keep in contact with, high school was not that great a time in my life.  I am very glad it is over.  Eric, on the other hand, loved every minute of high school.  High school was like a 4 year party for him.  He fully embraced the whole high school experience - played sports, did well in academics, had HUGE number of friends (and evidently a whole load of girlfriends too).  So going back to visit his old stomping grounds holds great attraction for him.  Going back to high school, any high school really, is a far less attractive concept for me.  Add to this the fact that we don’t even live in the country (much less the state or city) and I know NO ONE ELSE that will be attending, and well, I am freely admitting that I am going only because I love my husband and it will make him happy.

But this whole 20 year reunion thing has been making me think lately.  When we graduate from high school (whether we loved it or loathed it) we are always looking forward.  It is a new chapter in our life.  In many ways high school graduation is a rite of passage.  Some people go to college, some go into the working world, some get married - the possibilities are endless.  And that is what has gotten me thinking.  Endless possibilities faced us.  We could do anything we wanted.  We could chase our dreams.  Do you remember what your dreams were coming out of high school?  Did you have your future planned out?  Where did you see yourself in 10, 20, 30, 40 years?

Now fast forward.  How long has it been since you finished high school?  Have you accomplished everything that you thought you would?  Have you gone everywhere you wanted to go?  Did you marry the person you dreamed you would (or at least the kind of person you thought you would)?

Why or why not?  Were you dreaming the wrong dreams, or have you just not gotten around to chasing them yet?  Has life gotten in the way of what you wanted, or have your desires changed as you matured and grown?

If you did absolutely everything you wanted to do coming out of high school, then what did you do after it was all accomplished?  How did your ideas change?

Now, since I am a passion coach, think about your relationship.  Is it everything you wanted it to be?  Is the intimacy at the level you thought it would be?  Is the communication as strong as you wanted it to be?  Is your sex life as fulfilling as you dreamed it would be?

Have you ever sat down with your lover and talked about what your dreams and goals for each of these areas are?  Do you know what his/hers are?   Maybe the two of you should have your own intimate “reunion”.  Get a sitter, go out some place - like where you met - and talk about what your dreams were for the relationship when it started.  See where you are now compared with then.  And talk about how things have changed.  Talk about how time and maturity have changed you.  Talk about what your goals and dreams are now, and how you can reach them together.  Get back to that place of infinite possibility and re-create your future together.

Trust me, it will be WAY more fun than reliving your spouse’s glory days with a bunch of people you don’t know.  I kid, I kid.  I love you husband and I can’t wait to find out more about the man I love and who he was a teenager!  Though, I am pretty sure that I am more impressed with who you are today than who you were then!!

Thanksgiving: Introduction

My husband and I have a consistent battle in raising our daughter. She is fortunate enough to be raised in a suburban family with access to private school education, dance classes, membership to Science World and a host of other opportunities. The child has never gone without food or shelter or clothing or other basic human needs. And while we wouldn’t even register as a blip on Forbes magazine’s list of the wealthy, when I look at the rest of the world, I cannot help but realize that we are incredibly privileged. And yet, because she has not yet traveled to other parts of the world to get perspective on how most children her age live, my daughter can easily fall into a pattern of complaining about what she doesn’t get.

Marketers are very familiar with this syndrome that Western children have. They call it the “nag factor”. They put down big money on the bet that parents can only handle the whining for so long before they give in and buy the item for their child. Companies now hire psychologists who give advice on how best to lure your child to the product that they offer. Cheryl Idell, an Executive VP for The Nielson Company, claims that a third of purchases for children are made because of this “nag factor”. Think about it. When was the last time your child asked to go out to eat, or for a certain pair of jeans, or even a pack of gum in the grocery store line?

In our family, we have realized that the only way to combat this swell in cultural tide is to pound home the concept of gratefulness. I am not going to intentionally withhold the opportunity for Riley to go to dance, an activity which she loves and offers all sorts of great learnings, but I can help her see that being thankful about this privilege is an essential tenant of being a Frans. As such, when she falls into a pattern of whining, Eric and I give her these instructions:

“Riley, we would love to hear what you have to say. However, for the next hour, every time you open your mouth to start a conversation, you must begin with the sentence, “I am thankful for…” Once you say something - and it can be something as simple as, “I am thankful that it is sunny today” - you can talk with us.”

When we employ this strategy, something interesting happens. Sure, she gets really angry at first. She pouts. She says she can’t find anything to say. But when we do not relent, she begins to talk about what she is grateful for. Usually her first couple of comments are surly. But as she begins to focus on what is good around her, her attitude changes. Life gets brighter and happier. And right before our eyes, our child changes from a sniveling brat into an incredibly pleasant child.

Even as adults, there is something to be said about the practice of actively looking for the things in our lives for which we are thankful. It’s like those optical illusions in which you can see two pictures. Do you see the beautiful young woman or the old hag?

When your spouse walks in the door, who do you see? Do you see someone who is constantly failing to live up to your expectations, or do you see the person who loves you and is doing their best? I believe a lot of what we see in our spouse emanates from our choice. When we adjust our focus to begin looking for the good in our spouse, our attitudes change. And when our attitudes change, this causes a domino reaction which reverberates through the rest of our relationship.

Since it is Thanksgiving this month in Canada (my American readers will just be studying ahead!), I am going to devote the next couple articles on specific strategies that we can employ to see our lover in a new light. Stayed tuned to see what you can learn!

Commitment 101

So?  How’s the communication going?  You have to love a teacher that ENCOURAGES talking in class!  We are breaking the school mold there aren’t we?  Did you find out what your lover’s love language is?  Did you already know?  How about your own love language?  Did you know what it was before you did the exercise?

Now that you know how to “talk” to each other in the way each of you hear “I Love You” best, have you been telling each other everyday?  Feel free to share with us what you have been learning.  Discussion is the best way for all of us to learn - especially when the topic was communication!!

Since last time I forced a “pop quiz” on you, this time I promise no testing.  Today is more about class work.  I hear you guys…”lecture, tests, class work - when do we have a time devoted to nothing but recess?”  It will come.  Have a little patience.

Today we are going to talk about one of the core pillars of a relationship - commitment.  I know that for some people, “commitment” is like a really long 4-letter word.  It evokes fear and loathing and possibly twitches and facial ticks.  But it need not.  Since we are all in (or preparing for) long-term relationships here, let me try and explain it from a different point of view.

Let’s go over to the play area in the classroom - over there where the building blocks are.  See this block?  Commitment is like this block.  It is the foundational component required to build the level of trust necessary for a complete sex life.  Ahhh…that got your attention didn’t it.  See, the stronger the commitment (or foundation), the greater the trust can flourish.  The greater the level of trust, the deeper the level of intimacy.  When you have deep levels of trust and intimacy, sex becomes more creative and enacted with “reckless abandon” because there is no fear.  This will allow you to build a sex life that will have you waking up each morning already looking forward to when you get to go to bed together again!

Now, to be fair, commitment does not always equal trust, but in a relationship, a lack of commitment is always indicative of a lack of trust.  And generally speaking, a lack of trust will lead you to a sexless marriage/relationship faster than you can turn on the TV or say, “I have a headache”.

I see those hands raised all over the class.  And I love that all the men are asking the same question. “how do I build that foundation?”   Well, that is a two way street boys and girls.  Commitment and trust go hand in hand.  You cannot really build one without affecting the other.

You see, trust is the culmination of good communication and constant maintenance. Relationships are based upon trust and cannot exist without it. Taking the time to practice trust building is not only a good idea - it is absolutely necessary.  The “constant maintenance” that I speak of is the day-to-day part of commitment.  Keeping a commitment starts with making the decision to show up day after day after day.  Taking it a level deeper is to say, I will not leave. To use the school analogy, it is to decide that you will not drop the class even if you fail a test or an exercise.  It is to say, “I will stick with the material until I bring this up to an A.”  Remember that when working towards a goal, you must focus on what you want to obtain and avoid the impulse to go back to what you know and to what is comfortable.  Often times commitment is not comfortable, but true living is outside the proverbial comfort zone.

One of the greatest examples of commitment in history was the Spanish Conquistador Hernando Cortez.  When he landed in Mexico, one of his first orders to his men was to burn the ships.  Cortez was committed to his mission and did not want to allow himself or his men the option of going back to Spain.  By removing this option to leave, Cortez and his men were forced to focus on how they could make the mission successful.   That is the beauty of commitment, once you make a commitment you are forced to focus on how to make it successful.  Cortez did not try to make the mission comfortable.  They did not build huts, plug in an Xbox and simply exist there since they couldn’t go back.  They looked for opportunities to make everything about the experience positive and worthwhile.  They actively and daily sought success within the commitment of the mission.

It is no different in our lives; commitment is a series of conscious choices.  A conscious choice to not attack or berate your lover when an argument starts (even if you didn’t start it).  A conscious choice to put your lover’s needs above your own (even when your needs are just as important to you).  A conscious choice to speak their love language each day.  A conscious choice to not slide into a comfortable apathy of existence.  These are the basic activities of commitment.

Trust, on the other hand, can be “practiced” in more tangible ways.  Oh sure, keeping your word is a huge way to build trust.  Doing what you say you will do, and not doing what you promised you wouldn’t do - these are trust-building activities.  I am constantly telling my 5-year-old daughter that “promises matter” - and at that early age she knows better than to make one lightly.  Because make no mistake, trust is built and earned.  In fact, there is an old saying goes something like this: “Trust takes a long time to build up, but can be destroyed in an instant.”  For each of you to trust the other, you are required to put yourself out on the line and the other is required to be there for you.  Let me put it another way.

We learn to trust only by repeatedly taking personal risk and experiencing positive outcomes.

If you are not willing to take personal risk - you can never learn to trust.  If your lover does not affect your outcome from that risk in a positive manner - you cannot learn to trust them.

Since we are over here in the activity center of the classroom, lets talk about some trust building exercises we can do!  I am going to give you a few activities for you to do at home.  Try them all out.  Some you might like, some you might find uncomfortable and some you might flat out dislike.  That’s okay.  Do them anyways.  They don’t take long and they really do help bring to the surface matters involving trust.   When I talk with couples about trust, I usually ask them directly if they trust one another. Invariably I get “Yes” for an answer, even if it is hesitant.  But if we dig a little deeper we often discover that this trust level is conditional. Yes, they trust one another to behavior generally within the bounds of acceptable social behavior.  Yes, they trust each other to do the minimum accepted standards of relationship care.  Yes, they trust each other to keep the expectations down.  It reminds me of that line from the Gin Blossoms’ song, Hey Jealousy:

You can trust me not to drink, and not to sleep around…and if you don’t expect too much from me, you might not be let down.

I think we can, and should, be comfortable with expecting a little more than that from our lover.

First exercise: eye contact. Yep, it is as simple as that.  Sit directly across from your lover (not too far apart) and look into each other’s eyes without looking away for 60 seconds.  I know how easy this sounds.  But the point is not to make each other laugh or giggle.  The point is to honestly look into each other’s eyes.  They say the eyes are the windows to the soul.  But so often we pass by those windows without ever really looking inside.  Of course, we often pull the shades on those windows too because we would rather not let people see what’s in there.  So for each of you, in quiet contemplation, look into the other’s eyes while opening up and letting them see in yours.  Then discuss what you did.  What did you think about the exercise?  How did it make you feel about the other person?  If you could let your lover see into your soul, would you be comfortable letting them?

Second exercise: same thing only different.  This time sit directly across from your lover (not too far apart) and look into each other’s eyes without looking away for 60 seconds.  BUT, this time, I want the two of you touching.  Hold hands.  Interlock fingers.  Practice “interdigitation” as my husband likes to call it.  Stroke the palms of each other’s hands (if you aren’t too ticklish).  Make physical contact the entire time.  And with the understanding you gained from the previous exercise, see if you can look deeper and see more of your lover this time.  The discussion points are the same for you afterwards.

Third exercise:  proximity alert. This time sit directly across from your lover (not too far apart) and look into each other’s eyes without looking away for 60 seconds.  BUT during the exercise, keep moving closer to each other - slowly.  Inch by inch (or millimeter by millimeter if you prefer metric) ever so slowly move closer and closer to one another. This will eventually put you in each other’s personal space.  That is part of the exercise, don’t stop it from happening.  If you touch noses, you moved too quickly.  If you don’t get in each other’s personal space, you moved to slowly.  Try again in these instances.  (Or hold still touching noses if you can do it without laughing).   Afterwards talk about how proximity to each other helped or hindered looking into each other’s eyes. Did you feel closer as you got closer?  Did being that close with your eyes open make you uncomfortable?  And why or why not?

Final exercise: together write a relationship commitment statement.  This will allow you to verbalize exactly what your commitment is to the relationship and to each other.  If it helps, think of it like a company’s mission statement.  It should include: your purpose, goals, and commitments.  What is the purpose of your relationship?  What are your goals in your relationship?  What are your commitments to each other in this relationship?

These are great conversations to have.  Then put your answers into a formal relationship commitment statement.  Put it on paper.  Have it framed and hung on your bedroom wall.  Turn the making of it into a work project for the two of you.  Put as much effort into “making” it as you did talking it into existence.

And remember that to avoid turning around and abandoning your goals, you must make going forward more compelling then going back.  So our next class will focus on some things that might help “compel you forward” in your relationship. Yes, guys…that means sex.

Back to School - for you!

“BACK TO SCHOOL”

One of those phrases that can strike fear and loathing into your heart or get you very very excited.  Often times the former is the older kids and the latter is either young students or parents!  As fall begins to approach we see the gearing up for back to school happening all around us.  Even if you don’t have kids of your own, you cannot help but be caught up in the marketing that dominates every store from now through the start of September.  And if you do have kids…well, then you are already in the midst of buying clothes and back packs and lunch pails and pens and notebooks and scissors and glue and every other item on the rather extensive “school supply” list that you have.  But once the first day excitement (or drama) wanes, the day to day routine will set in: bedtimes become more consistent, alarms start getting set in kids rooms again, lunches are made, after school activities start up, homework starts being done (hopefully!) and days start setting back into routine.  Kids know that everyday will consist of Reading, Writing and Arithmetic will some electives thrown in and, most importantly, some form of recess!  The details might differ, but the basics are the same everywhere.

Many of you might be looking forward to the start of school, especially if you are like me and you have been on deck for your young children all day every day.  I feel like I have been the main entertainment center for my 5-year-old daughter since pre-school ended in June.  Working from home with little ones running around in the summer is like a three-month oxymoron!  Personally, I can’t wait for school to start.  Peace and quiet in the house from 8:30am to 3:15pm every weekday!?  Are you kidding me?  I am doing the happy dance even thinking about it!!

As adults, we often think about back-to-school as a childhood phenomenon.  We remember the bells ringing, the teachers, the classes we liked (or didn’t) and for sure we remember recess.  But back-to-school is not about us now, or only tangentially at best.  I have to admit though, that school really is a great way to learn.  It forces us to focus on information daily.  We do get better by repetition.  Practice does make perfect.  And for children one of the most important things we can do for them is help build a solid foundation.  But what about us?  Adults.  Are there things we need to learn, or re-learn?  What can we be practicing every day that will make us better at the foundational stuff?

Oh, I am not talking about reading, writing or math for us.  I am talking relationships. (note the subtle yet ingenious segue)  For many of us we need to take a lesson from elementary school and get back to the basics.  SO for the next bit, we are going BACK TO SCHOOL.  Our courses will be a little different.  I am not concerned if little Johnny can’t read, but I am very concerned that John can’t communicate with his wife.  I am not focusing on little Suzie not working and playing well with others in the classroom, but I am very focused on helping Susan work and play well in the bedroom!  Our curriculum will focus on communication, intimacy, and yes, sex.

Bells going to ring soon…who’s with me?  Don’t make me take attendance!!

Flicking the Bean

A week later, I am still quoting The Ugly Truth to anyone who will listen to me. Friends have heard the run-down and I have giggled with women at parties about it. In fact, I even found myself sharing a scene from the movie during a coaching session with a client.

In this scene, the leading man asks the leading lady how often she “flicks the bean”. She is horrified and tells him that she doesn’t do that. He responds, “If you don’t even want to have sex with you, what makes you think that he will want to have sex with you?”

Controversial? Maybe.

Crass? Probably.

Thought provoking? Definitely.

Here is what I have found in my coaching business. Women who refuse to touch themselves as they are growing up have much more difficulty in their sex lives than women who masturbated before marriage. Why? Because prior to their sexual relationship, women in the former group (Group One) don’t have a clue what turns them on, what type of touch they enjoy, and what brings them to orgasm. Women in the latter group (Group Two), by contrast, are experts on their own bodies before a man enters the picture.

Granted, there are definitely couples who successfully navigate the Group One’s lack of experimentation. They typically have excellent communication skills, a shared sense of adventure and a lot of self-confidence going into their relationship. They understand that they will be figuring this stuff out together and are not embarrassed to make a lot of mistakes along the way.

Most couples, however, don’t get that far. A woman who has never given herself permission to explore her own body might also be terribly intimidated to talk about the ins and outs (pun intended) of sex. If she doesn’t have a community around her which is helping her find the words to communicate her desires effectively to her husband, and if he is just as lost as she is, then their relationship will slowly spiral downwards. Pleasure for her becomes allusive or utterly absent and the desire for sex tapers off as the years go on. And if you have paid attention to my writings on sexless or sex-starved marriages, you know that this can have serious ramifications on their marriage. (http://erynfaye.com/oh-me-so-horny/)

Even if women in Group Two struggle with their communication (and let me say that talking about sex with our lover can be intimidating for the most knowledgeable of us), they at least know what works. This gives them a basis upon which they can nudge him in the right direction, drop hints, or even allow their husbands to watch and learn. These women have a target which is clearly defined; they have success in hitting that target, and just have to work towards training their husbands to hit it. The barriers to them experiencing pleasure in their relationship are not as numerous.

Are there parameters that I personally put on the masturbation exploration? Yes. I am not a huge fan of a woman (or a man for that matter) using porn to arouse themselves. I have seen far too many couples slide into an unhealthy need (some would even use the word addiction) for porn. I am a big believer that there are lots of other ways you can become aroused without the use of this risky behaviour.

However, outside of this little restriction, my advice is or those of you who want to figure things out, you have my permission: Go flick the bean.

The Ugly Truth

Last night my husband and I went on a double date to the see the movie, “The Ugly Truth“. The movie had been the other couple’s idea because when they had seen it previously, they looked at each other as the credits rolled up and simultaneously said, “We have to bring the Franses to this film!” I am often afraid to take other’s opinions on movies because “good” is so relative to personal tastes with them, but I have to admit that it might be the best romantic comedy I have ever seen. (I was going to call it a chick flick, but this would be a dreadful misrepresentation of the movie.)

Since I am still nursing a broken foot, the others sent me ahead to save seats while they found parking spaces and bought goodies. (Ok, that’s not exactly true. Turns out, my husband and I had a major mis-communication and I inadvertently sent him on a wild goose chase errand which took quite a bit of time and left me alone in the theater watching it fill up wondering whether I had wandered into the wrong theatre and the others were trying to locate the poor cripple who was obviously blind as well. But I digress.) As I watched the theatre fill up, I couldn’t help but notice that it was comprised mostly of couples. I found this interesting because in other movies of this genre, the audience is mostly female with the exception of the few males who have very obviously been dragged there to appease their women folk. Furthermore, I realized that throughout the film, the men laughed as hard, if not harder, than the women. The brilliance of the film is that it speaks the thoughts on the mind of millions of men - hence The Ugly Truth.

It struck a chord with me because my personal opinion (based on professional observations) is that we as a culture try to feminize men to get them to fit our definition of a “good” and “healthy” relationship. Whether or not we are willing to acknowledge it, women want men to be women. We want to enjoy deep gazes into each other’s eyes (let’s ignore the research that tells us that even male babies of four months old avoid eye contract because that’s just not how they are made) or have endless conversations about our feelings and deepest thoughts (let’s denigrate them because men actually take action  rather than just talk). We might have initially been attracted to them for their masculine traits (they were mysterious back then) but then the minute we walk down the aisle, we want them to turn into our closest girlfriend. Our vision of a perfect relationship is, well, feminine.

Not only do we think that this is what we deserve, but then we judge men for not being women rather than valuing, respecting and indeed even loving their differences. And in my vaguely humble opinion, men really have traits and opinions and points of view that women desperately need.  In “The Ugly Truth”, we see Hollywood explore these concepts. And the end product is a film that is incredibly entertaining for both women and men. Yes, it is crass. Yes, there is lots of cussing. Yes, it will most likely offend your sensibilities. But go see it anyways.  And take your lover with you!!  And then come back and tell me what you think!

Simmering Passion

One of the challenges in my business as a Passion Coach is teaching a woman how to make the transition from the roles she plays during the day (mother, sister, daughter, friend, employee, employer) to the role of sexy, passionate wife at night. As women, we pour our energies into the people and tasks around us all day long. Our boss needs something done, and we endeavour to get it done efficiently and with excellence. Our friend calls up sobbing because her teenager is doing drugs, and we listen and empathize. Our coworker is on the verge of having an affair because her home life is boring, predictable and lonely; and we invest time over lunch trying to convince her why this isn’t such a hot idea. And when we return home, our children need us to help with homework, or kiss their boo-boos, or drive them to their game or dance class. Later, we feed, bathe, and tuck them into bed.

And then, tired and worn out, we stumble into the bedroom at night, and there is our dear husband. With that look on his face. And it feels like one more thing we have to check off our “to do” list for the day.

How do we make the transition?

I believe the answer lies not in what happens at the end of the day, but in what we are doing all day long. Sure, we want to be good at our job, be a great friend AND be a Super Mom who engenders the envy of all the other PAC moms. But in attempting to do so, we have trained ourselves to neglect the passionate side of ourselves - the side that actually notices the details of life around us rather than just seeing a blur as we whiz by it. After all, it slows us down and makes us inefficient.

But is it also the side that makes us feel alive.

The best analogy I give to women is that of a pot on the stove. If you want to get it to boiling and the water is cold, it can take some time. However, if the water is already simmering, the pot boils very quickly. So, if you want hot, steamy passion at night, you have to be looking for and cultivating it during the day.

Need some tips and suggestions? Here are a few:

• The science of arousal is all about blood flow into the genital tissues, so do things which increase your blood flow during the day such as:
  • Do some cardio exercise. 20 minutes is a good place to start because it is long enough to get your blood flowing, but not so long that it is difficult to fit into your day.
  • Eat a healthy diet. Yes, it helps your blood flow as well as your dress size!
  • Put on some Pure Satisfaction in the morning and then again at night. Your body will become used to the sensations of arousal which will help you when you are about to have sex.
• Slow down enough to actually listen to the words of the songs on the radio. Play songs which make you feel passionate, romantic or sexy. Create a “Passion” playlist on your Ipod.
• Remember the Four Kisses a Day article? Don’t forget to bring passion to your relationship with your husband during the day. Send him a sexy text message or call just to say, “I love you”. Email him reminding him of your last romantic or steamy time together and tell him how much you appreciate him.
• Pick up an activity which makes you feel passionate and/or sexy. Try an art class, dance class, or even a cooking class (yes, a beautifully prepared meal can be sexy too!).
• Pay attention to the beautiful things in your life. Do you have nature on your way to work which is lovely? Do you need to go to an art museum or pick up a book on classic art? Train yourself to notice, appreciate and be thankful for that beauty.
• Most importantly, take your family on this journey with you. Teach your children to understand passion (albeit in the non-sexual way), so that they will take these lessons into their adult lives. In our family, we do it through dance.

And, lest I forget, if you haven’t already, make sure to vote on my Passion Poll about this!

OH me so horny

As I mentioned in one of my blog posts, Guess Who’s Coming to Town, I was recently able to spend some time with one of my heroes, Michelle Weiner-Davis. Her work in the field of marriages on the brink of divorce - and specifically when the cause of that brink is their lack-luster or non-existent sex life - has been lauded everywhere from Oprah to The Today Show to CNN.

In her books, The Sex-Starved Marriage and The Sex-Starved Wife, Mrs. Davis moves past the gender stereotypes of [husband=horny] and [wife=disinterested] to a gender-neutral depiction of the High Desire Spouse and Low Desire Spouse. In some marriages, spouses get slotted into one role and stay there. In others, however, the roles can change back and forth due to stress, illness, exhaustion, children, hormonal fluctuations and a host of other life circumstances.

Regardless of who is the “horny” person in the marriage, one thing is always constant - the person who gets to set the frequency in the sexual relationship is the Low Desire Spouse. Whoever says “no” wins. If both parties are communicating about this issue and accepting of this arrangement, then it is usually smooth sailing. However, problems develop when:

• There is a large gap between what the High Desire Spouse wants and what the Low Desire Spouse wants

• This gap grows because the Low Desire Spouse begins to avoid all physical touch out of fear it will lead to sex

• The High Desire Spouse begins to push harder for sex in response to the Low Desire Spouse’s pulling away

• Communication about the subject becomes acrimonious or non-existent

• One or both parties begin to feel misunderstood or unloved by the other party

Sadly, if this cycle of misunderstanding, lack of communication and lack of physical connection is allowed to perpetuate in the relationship, then the marriage becomes at risk for infidelity and/or divorce.

So how can you become proactive to make sure your relationship is not at risk? As with most aspects of marriage, it takes open communication and willingness to compromise without being judgmental of your spouse. Remember, one role is not better than the other - it is simply a product of putting two different individuals in a relationship together. And if there are issues in the marriage that are a result of your differences, it is not a “his” or “her” problem, it’s a problem for “y’all” (yes, those are my Southern roots coming out). So stop blaming each other and get to work. Need some suggestions?

Here are a few exercises to be proactive in your marriage:

• Take a moment to look at your relationship through your lover’s eyes. Ask yourself:

• High Desire Spouses: How does it make him/her feel when I initiate sex? What am I noticing about him/her before I initiate? What makes my spouse feel loved and respected and how can I do those things for him/her?

• Low Desire Spouses: How does it make him/her feel when I say “no”? How does he/she interpret my refusal to give a hug or a kiss? What would I be communicating to him/her if I said “yes” even if I am not totally in the mood?

• What you focus on will grow. What were the circumstances around the last time you had great sex (or even sex at all)? Who initiated? Was there something special that happened? How were you feeling emotionally before you had sex? Did you feel empowered? Or less tired? Or deeply connected to your spouse? Did something different go through your mind beforehand? Once you have a clear picture of what is was that made that last encounter great, reduplicate it!

• Rediscover the warmth of physical touch. Initiate touch during times when it is not possible to have sex so that neither party feels any pressure. Walk down the street holding hands, give a hug or kiss while the kids are in the room, sit close to each other on the coach while company is over, have a cuddle while the TV is on, etc.

• Try something new. Do you know the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a new outcome. If what you have been trying isn’t working, then try something different and see what kind of response you get. Change the time or location of your sexual encounters, learn a new sexual technique, make the choice to say “yes” no matter when the next request comes, etc.

• Read the Michele Weiner-Davis’ books. These books are a good read for anyone who is interested in this subject, but essential reading for couples who are struggling with the pain of sex-starved marriages. Her approach is practical to understand and implement. Here’s a link to her on Amazon.ca

I do want to take a moment to reiterate that the labels of “high-desire” and “low-desire” are not permanently affixed.  In both men and women, and in relationships in general, libido ebbs and flows.  The spouse that is high desire today may be the low desire spouse next month.  Sometimes relationships can reach an equilibrium where your desires match. Whatever the case you find yourself in TODAY, know that any number of factors can cause that to be different tomorrow.  The important thing to remember is that communicating to each other your wants/needs/desires regarding sex is what keeps your relationship strong in this area.

If you haven’t yet, please do go vote in the poll on “Who Has the Higher Sex Drive in Your Relationship“.  And remember that when you vote, you are not slapping yourself with a permanet label - just noting where your relationship is at the moment!

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Who Has the Higher Sex Drive in Your Relationship?

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