Creating space for meaningful conversations about sexual intimacy.

 

Posts tagged: relationships

Simmering Passion

Posted on May 26, 2009

simmering pot

One of the challenges in my business as a Passion Coach is teaching a woman how to make the transition from the roles she plays during the day (mother, sister, daughter, friend, employee, employer) to the role of sexy, passionate wife at night. As women, we pour our energies into the people and tasks around us all day long. Our boss needs something done, and we endeavour to get it done efficiently and with excellence. Our friend calls up sobbing because her teenager is doing drugs, and we listen and empathize. Our coworker is on the verge of having an affair because her home life is boring, predictable and lonely; and we invest time over lunch trying to convince her why this isn’t such a hot idea. And when we return home, our children need us to help with homework, or kiss their boo-boos, or drive them to their game or dance class. Later, we feed, bathe, and tuck them into bed.

And then, tired and worn out, we stumble into the bedroom at night, and there is our dear husband. With that look on his face. And it feels like one more thing we have to check off our “to do” list for the day.

How do we make the transition?

I believe the answer lies not in what happens at the end of the day, but in what we are doing all day long. Sure, we want to be good at our job, be a great friend AND be a Super Mom who engenders the envy of all the other PAC moms. But in attempting to do so, we have trained ourselves to neglect the passionate side of ourselves – the side that actually notices the details of life around us rather than just seeing a blur as we whiz by it. After all, it slows us down and makes us inefficient.

But is it also the side that makes us feel alive.

The best analogy I give to women is that of a pot on the stove. If you want to get it to boiling and the water is cold, it can take some time. However, if the water is already simmering, the pot boils very quickly. So, if you want hot, steamy passion at night, you have to be looking for and cultivating it during the day.

Need some tips and suggestions? Here are a few:

  • The science of arousal is all about blood flow into the genital tissues, so do things which increase your blood flow during the day such as:
    • Do some cardio exercise. 20 minutes is a good place to start because it is long enough to get your blood flowing, but not so long that it is difficult to fit into your day.
    • Eat a healthy diet. Yes, it helps your blood flow as well as your dress size!
  • Slow down enough to actually listen to the words of the songs on the radio. Play songs which make you feel passionate, romantic or sexy. Create a “Passion” playlist on your ipod.
  • Remember the Four Kisses a Day article? Don’t forget to bring passion to your relationship with your husband during the day. Send him a sexy text message or call just to say, “I love you”. Email him reminding him of your last romantic or steamy time together and tell him how much you appreciate him.
  • Pick up an activity which makes you feel passionate and/or sexy. Try an art class, dance class, or even a cooking class (yes, a beautifully prepared meal can be sexy too!).
  • Pay attention to the beautiful things in your life. Do you have nature on your way to work which is lovely? Do you need to go to an art museum or pick up a book on classic art? Train yourself to notice, appreciate and be thankful for that beauty.
  • Most importantly, take your family on this journey with you. Teach your children to understand passion (albeit in the non-sexual way), so that they will take these lessons into their adult lives. In our family, we do it through dance.

 

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OH me so horny

Posted on May 21, 2009

As I mentioned in one of my blog posts, Guess Who’s Coming to Town, I was recently able to spend some time with one of my heroes, Michelle Weiner-Davis. Her work in the field of marriages on the brink of divorce – and specifically when the cause of that brink is their lack-luster or non-existent sex life – has been lauded everywhere from Oprah to The Today Show to CNN.

In her books, The Sex-Starved Marriage and The Sex-Starved Wife, Mrs. Davis moves past the gender stereotypes of [husband=horny] and [wife=disinterested] to a gender-neutral depiction of the High Desire Spouse and Low Desire Spouse. In some marriages, spouses get slotted into one role and stay there. In others, however, the roles can change back and forth due to stress, illness, exhaustion, children, hormonal fluctuations and a host of other life circumstances.

low libido

Regardless of who is the “horny” person in the marriage, one thing is always constant – the person who gets to set the frequency in the sexual relationship is the Low Desire Spouse. Whoever says “no” wins. If both parties are communicating about this issue and accepting of this arrangement, then it is usually smooth sailing. However, problems develop when:

  • There is a large gap between what the High Desire Spouse wants and what the Low Desire Spouse wants
  • This gap grows because the Low Desire Spouse begins to avoid all physical touch out of fear it will lead to sex
  • The High Desire Spouse begins to push harder for sex in response to the Low Desire Spouse’s pulling away
  • Communication about the subject becomes acrimonious or non-existent
  • One or both parties begin to feel misunderstood or unloved by the other party

Sadly, if this cycle of misunderstanding, lack of communication and lack of physical connection is allowed to perpetuate in the relationship, then the marriage becomes at risk for infidelity and/or divorce.

So how can you become proactive to make sure your relationship is not at risk? As with most aspects of marriage, it takes open communication and willingness to compromise without being judgmental of your spouse. Remember, one role is not better than the other – it is simply a product of putting two different individuals in a relationship together. And if there are issues in the marriage that are a result of your differences, it is not a “his” or “her” problem, it’s a problem for “y’all” (yes, those are my Southern roots coming out). So stop blaming each other and get to work. Need some suggestions?

Here are a few exercises to be proactive in your marriage:

  • Take a moment to look at your relationship through your lover’s eyes. Ask yourself:
  • High Desire Spouses: How does it make him/her feel when I initiate sex? What am I noticing about him/her before I initiate? What makes my spouse feel loved and respected and how can I do those things for him/her?
  • Low Desire Spouses: How does it make him/her feel when I say “no”? How does he/she interpret my refusal to give a hug or a kiss? What would I be communicating to him/her if I said “yes” even if I am not totally in the mood?
  • What you focus on will grow. What were the circumstances around the last time you had great sex (or even sex at all)? Who initiated? Was there something special that happened? How were you feeling emotionally before you had sex? Did you feel empowered? Or less tired? Or deeply connected to your spouse? Did something different go through your mind beforehand? Once you have a clear picture of what is was that made that last encounter great, reduplicate it!
  • Rediscover the warmth of physical touch. Initiate touch during times when it is not possible to have sex so that neither party feels any pressure. Walk down the street holding hands, give a hug or kiss while the kids are in the room, sit close to each other on the coach while company is over, have a cuddle while the TV is on, etc.
  • Try something new. Do you know the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a new outcome. If what you have been trying isn’t working, then try something different and see what kind of response you get. Change the time or location of your sexual encounters, learn a new sexual technique, make the choice to say “yes” no matter when the next request comes, etc.
  • Read the Michele Weiner-Davis’ books. These books are a good read for anyone who is interested in this subject, but essential reading for couples who are struggling with the pain of sex-starved marriages. Her approach is practical to understand and implement. Here’s a link to her on Amazon.ca

I do want to take a moment to reiterate that the labels of “high-desire” and “low-desire” are not permanently affixed.  In both men and women, and in relationships in general, libido ebbs and flows.  The spouse that is high desire today may be the low desire spouse next month.  Sometimes relationships can reach an equilibrium where your desires match. Whatever the case you find yourself in TODAY, know that any number of factors can cause that to be different tomorrow.  The important thing to remember is that communicating to each other your wants/needs/desires regarding sex is what keeps your relationship strong in this area.

If you haven’t yet, please do go vote in the poll on “Who Has the Higher Sex Drive in Your Relationship“.  And remember that when you vote, you are not slapping yourself with a permanet label – just noting where your relationship is at the moment!

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Who Has the Higher Sex Drive in Your Relationship?

Posted on May 18, 2009

Who has the higher sex drive in your relationship?

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Four Kisses a Day – thoughts

Posted on May 6, 2009

Last week, I had the privilege of being my daughter’s guest at her school’s annual Spring Tea. In her class, there is a mix of 3, 4 and 5 year-olds and they had all been busy for weeks making the preparations to serve their parents at this special event. As the parents waited in the hall outside the classroom, the children came out one at a time to speak to their parent and say, “Welcome to our Spring Tea. Won’t you come in?” The little girls finished their request with a curtsy and the boys bowed. We were then escorted to our assigned tables, complete with place cards. The theme of the tea was Mexico, so once everyone was seated, the children served us lemonade, chips and hot sauce, and quesadillas. It was incredibly sweet to see them so very excited, and yet behaving like proper little hosts and hostesses as they fulfilled all their duties.

After we had our goodies served to us, the children when to the front of the classroom and sang to us (mostly in Spanish) for about 10 minutes. Cameras flashed and video recorders whirled as all the parents attempted to capture this performance for posterity. My favourite song was called “Four Hugs a Day”. They introduced it in Spanish, but not speaking the language myself, I didn’t have a clue what it was. I was fortunate because after the first verse in Spanish, they sang it in English. And here is how it goes:

“Four hugs a day, that’s the minimum.
Four hugs a day, NOT the maximum.
Step One: Look them right in the eye
Step Two: Face to face
Step Three: Reach out your arms
Step Four: You can’t do any harm with
Four hugs a day, that’s the minimum.
Four hugs a day, NOT the maximum.”

Needless to say, all the parents beamed with pride. How can you NOT hug your kid after a performance like that??!!

But evidently, the theme of Four a Day doesn’t seem limited to school Spring Teas!

If you follow me on Twitter, then you might have seen me retweet some things from @hismilkmaid (her Twitter name).  One of her posts was on a study out of England that I thought was really interesting.  Recently the UK newspaper, The Telegraph, reported that a new study has come out which says that couples who kiss four times a day are more likely to stay married.  (if you want to read the article you can, here.) In fact, if you want the whole prescription for success according to the study, it’s:

  • kissing 4 times a day
  • having sex 2-3 times a week
  • staying in touch during the day (by phone, email, text, etc.)
  • enjoying two romantic meals out each month
  • spending three nights of the week cuddling on the sofa together and
  • getting away for a couple of romantic weekends each year
  • one annual foreign holiday

These activities shore up the foundation of your relationship and helps ward off divorce.  I made special note of the “annual foreign holiday” to my husband, who smiled and said, “I guess we’ll have to take our chances” and winked.  Oh well, even if I don’t get a yearly trip to someplace exotic the rest of these really are great ideas for couples.

So in light of this study, here are my coaching tips for the day:

  • Kiss on your wife or husband today (yes, four times!). Try a couple warm kisses and a couple deep kisses (remember what those are??).  Why not throw in a couple of extra little kisses on the top of their head as you walk by them.
  • Send an email or text (their preferred method) telling them how much they mean to you.
  • Be intentionally intimate with your lover – have sex tonight!
  • Plan a romantic dinner with your lover.  Go out to a nice restaurant or stay home and make a romantic dinner right there in your own home – you could picnic on your bed for instance.

And for those wanting more than something that can be done today:

  • Start saving for and booking a getaway night or weekend for the two of you. Send the kids to relatives, do a kid-swap with friends (they take your kids one weekend and you take theirs another weekend), hire a young married couple to come for the weekend to babysit. Get creative and get it done!

And lastly, with apologies to my daughter’s pre-school class, and sing with me…

“Four kisses a day, that’s the minimum.
Four kisses a day, NOT the maximum.
Step One: Look them right in the eye
Step Two: Face to face
Step Three: Pucker up your lips
Step Four: You can’t do any harm with
Four kisses a day, that’s the minimum.
Four kisses a day, NOT the maximum.”

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Four Kisses a Day

Posted on May 6, 2009

4-kisses-a-dayKeeping Romance Alive

Sharing two hobbies, having three cuddles every 24 hours, saying at least one ‘I love you’ a day and enjoying two romantic meals a month could also help ensure a lasting liaison.

Researchers also discovered the husband and wife who will stay true to their ’til death us do part’ vow will have met through friends – and tied the knot after three and a half years together.

More than 3,000 married adults were polled to discover the secrets of their success in staying together.

Carol Richardson of confetti.co.uk said: “The research shows just how many components make up the perfect marriage, including the ideal age gap, dating duration and time to get married.

“After wedding hype is over, the study shows how important it is to keep the magic alive with regular kisses, cuddles and romantic nights out.”

The study found the longest-lasting marriages involve a man who walked down the aisle at the age of 31 – two years and three months older than their partner.

They should also say ‘I love you’ to each other at least once every day and have sex three times a week.

To keep the spark alive the poll found that married folk should enjoy two romantic meals out each month and spend three nights of the week cuddling on the sofa together.

They will also keep in regular touch – even when they are at work – through at least three phone calls, text messages or emails.

Two surprise weekends away every year, one annual foreign holiday and two UK breaks will also keep the marriage strong.

But while the ideal couple will share two hobbies, the study also revealed it’s important to keep some independence by having two separate nights out with friends a month.

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Full article: www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/4902206/Four-kisses-a-day-are-key-to-long-lasting-marriage-survey-suggests.html

Photo: The Telegraph

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Missing the Woman I Fell in Love With – thoughts

Posted on April 24, 2009

I ran across this article on CNN the other day and as I read it, my eyes filled with tears. In my practice, I meet so many women like the wife of this author but to hear the story from her husband’s perspective was, well, heart breaking.

It makes me want to yell and scream that marriage doesn’t have to be like what he is describing. That as the years go by, we can continue to connect in a special way that is uniquely us beyond our identities as mom, dad, daughter, son, boss or coworker.

But intimacy is built on the myriad of little choices that we make. The choice to gently touch as we pass by each other. The choice to give a lingering kiss goodbye in the morning rather than a peck on the cheek. The choice to ask, “How was your day?”, and then really listen to the answer. The choice to make time to write a little note and drop it on his pillow for him to find. The choice to put the kids to bed early. The choice to leave the TV turned off.

The relationship that we have with our spouse is unique – no other relationship has such a powerful potential for adventure, happiness, pleasure, companionship, and yes, intimacy. But it will only reach that potential if we choose for it to be so.

If you have not done so already, go read the original article here or on my article page.  Then come back and think about these questions?

  • Do you “miss” the person you fell in love with and what has changed in your relationship that causes you to “miss” them?
  • What specific choices are you going to make today, tomorrow, this week that will create intimacy between you and your lover?

Let us know your answers, and more importantly, let us know how the week goes when you implement these choices!!

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Eryn-Faye on Marriage Uncensored with Dave and Christie

Posted on April 6, 2009

On March 15th, Marriage Uncensored with Dave and Christie asked me to come on the show and talk to them about my role as Canada’s Passion Coach. They wanted the discussion to revolve around the kind of questions that I get asked “behind closed doors” by women and men. The episode is only 24 minutes long (half-hour show) but we cover a lot of ground! You can watch the entire show here, or download it and watch it later. You can even get the audio for your ipod. Hope you enjoy!

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Learning to Date Again

Posted on April 3, 2009

Why is it that we stop dating when we get married? Theoretically, once we live under the same roof we should have more money to spend on each other because we have combined expenses. Are we afraid of spending time alone because we have forgotten what to talk about? Do we confuse quality time together with the fact that we are in the same room watching TV together? If we are going to keep that spark alive – the one that drew us to each other in the first place – then it needs to be nurtured. And one of the best ways to nurture it is to date each other!

Learning to Date Again

How do you do it? Here are five ideas:

1.    Start dating again. Choose to go on regular dates with your spouse. Put the date on the calendar, book a babysitter, make reservations at a restaurant, purchase tickets to the game and go! If you are out of the habit, then begin dating your spouse once a month and make it easy to remember (for example, the first Saturday of the month is date night). Make it your goal to decrease the time in between so that you eventually go on dates once a week.

2.    Don’t let cost get in the way. I promise you, the cost of having regular dates is far less than the cost of a divorce. Build the expense of your dates into your budget so that you know how much you can spend and not feel guilty about it. Remember that this money is an investment into your marriage. However, if you are really pinching pennies, then get creative. Set up a babysitting co-op with friends: you watch their kids one night, and then they watch your kids another night. Go on inexpensive dates: have coffee at a local coffee shop; park close to the airport and watch the planes come in; take a long walk together.

3.    Try a “Happy Camper” Date. For a lot of couples, just trying to decide what to do on their date causes conflict because they have different interests and tastes. Here’s how the “happy camper” date works: one week you go on a date and your husband gets to choose what he activity he wants the two of you to do. (He gets to pick the movie, the restaurant, the hockey game, etc.) You go on this date with a great attitude – you are the “happy camper” this week. However, the following week, it is his turn to be the happy camper and do whatever you would like to do without complaining. This experience gives us greater insight into what makes our spouse tick and it builds our common history together which, in turn, leads to a stronger marriage.

4.    Set the rules of the date. The focus of the date is the two of you deepening your relationship together as a couple. So consider limiting your conversations about the kids or work (these can often be all consuming topics). If this leaves you nothing to talk about, then think of things that you used to talk about before the kids came along, what is going on in the world around you, or get a book which gives you questions to ask each other. Learning to talk again as two lovers may feel awkward at first, but the more you practice it, the easier it will be.

5.    Put some effort into your appearance. Remember spending hours in front of the mirror or in the closet picking out the perfect outfit when you were first going out? Fixing your hair so that it looked just right (women – this isn’t just directed at you. I have known plenty of men who spend more time on their hair than women!) Doesn’t your spouse deserve the same now? The art of attraction should never be neglected or lost simply because your partner said “I do.”

One of my coaching clients had an amazing perspective on marriage. She told me that her spouse is the one person who will be witness to her journey through life. We leave our parents’ home, our kids eventually leave ours, we change jobs and friends move away. But our spouse stays with us and we build a common history together over the years. Solidify this history with memories of the two of you.

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ED in Newlyweds

Posted on April 3, 2009

Dear Eryn-Faye,

As a newlywed wife my husband experienced E.D. (he is only 47) on our honeymoon and the problem has cont’d, specifically the inability to maintain the erection. We have tried all the meds out there, we are now exploring injection and it has worked better. Nonetheless, the doctor basically assessed that my husband does not have a physical problem but that it was mental. As a wife, I do not fit in the category of a passive, sexual partner. Rather I am more assertive, have lots of desire but am turned off with the E.D. and my husband knows it. He has said that I “shoot him down”. Please help. We have been married a little over one year.

Let me begin by saying that my heart goes out to you during this painful and difficult time. The first year of marriage often brings issues to light which can feel overwhelming, particularly when they are of a sexual nature. Please allow me to offer you some resources which might help your specific circumstances.

First of all, I encourage you to continue to work with your doctors to find a medical or psychological answer to what you are facing in your sexual relationship. They will have knowledge of the most recent therapies that are available that would be suitable to your circumstances and your husband’s state of health. As you are pursuing that avenue, here are a few other suggestions:

On the Ask Eryn-Faye section of my website, I have answered a question which pertains to erectile difficulties and there might be some helpful information there.  While the couple who wrote in were older than you and your husband, you might find the principles of the article to be helpful. As an encouragement to you, 47 isn’t too young to be dealing with erectile difficulties; in fact, I coached one couple in their 20’s who were dealing with this issue.

No matter what age they are, every man wants to be the superhero in the bedroom and losing that ability strikes deeply at their ego. It is crucial right now that your actions do not exacerbate an already complicated issue by making your husband feel more inadequate than he is already feeling. In fact, if the problem is indeed psychological then the tension that the two of you are experiencing over the matter is going to aggravate it. Maintaining sexual intimacy (even if you cannot have penetration) is very important during this stage. If your husband is initiating sex, then by all means – take him up on the offer!  But as a woman who identifies as assertive, you as well can (and should) communicate your desire for him by instigating sexual intimacy and/or activity.

If he cannot experience or maintain an erection, then allow him to pleasure you in other ways. Experiment with different ways to achieve orgasm (manual, oral, etc.). If you are a woman who needs to have something inside of her to feel that your sexual experience is “complete”, then ask him to use his fingers or a bedroom toy. Channel all that desire that you have into building your sexual relationship even if it looks different than what you had envisioned.

Finally, it is important to prevent the issue of sexual dysfunction from overtaking all aspects of your relationship. Obviously, there was something about your husband that caused you to fall in love and marry him, so focus on those areas and build on them so that they grow deeper as you both seek solutions to address the erectile difficulties.

Thank you so much for reaching out to me with this very important question. It is very important that you feel the freedom to ask questions, as asking questions is an important way to see your relationship with your husband grow and deepen. If you have any further questions or comments, I would love to hear from you again!!

Warmly,
Eryn-Faye, Passion Coach

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Finding Answers to Difficult Questions

Posted on March 24, 2009

I just wanted to let you know that I truly appreciate your feedback.  You are the only person I could find, that actually answered my questions. I went everywhere, Dr. Drew, Dr. Phil, Dr. Laura, any network I could find and all the popular counselors in between. I am so thankful. I was put at peace and myself and my husband had a beautiful talk about my issues.  He was loving and felt so relieved and free to be able to discuss these very emotional things so openly.  He too had so much to share and our meeting ended great.  I realize I will need to work on these things to be better for myself and my relationship.  I can’t thank you enough for reaching out to me with such a difficult topic.

- Concerned Wife

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