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HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

The Sexual Cycle

A friend of mine from Texas once told me that when her husband asks if she wants to have sex, she will often respond by saying to him, “I don’t know. Why don’t you kiss me and we will find out?”

Whether or not she knew it, she was reflecting what new research is telling us about the sexual cycle. Because of what we see on TV and in Hollywood and maybe even reflected in the lives of those around us, most of us believe that it looks like this:

And for many people - 50% of people in fact - this is the case. They realize that they want sex, which then promotes thoughts and actions which lead to arousal, which leads to a sexual encounter.

However, studies now tell us that this only represents half of the population. What about the other 50%?? The cycle actually looks like this to them:

They actually have to get in the mood and feel the physiological changes of arousal before it will click in their heads that they desire sex. They usually have a great time having sex once they get started, they just start a bit differently.

This is great news for couples who experience a “desire gap” in their marriages. One spouse (the High Desire Spouse - HDS) wants more sex than the other (the Low Desire Spouse - LDS).  As I mentioned in my article, Oh, Me So Horny, the one commonality in these relationships is the LDS gets to set the pace - they have veto power on sex in their marriage - which can cause the desire gap to grow and grow as the years go by.

But what if the LDS is simply someone who falls into the second category of cycles? What if this spouse is waiting to feel that desire in order to acquiesce to sex, all the while not realizing that s/he needs to allow themselves to get aroused first? Remember, a full half of the population falls into this category, so it is highly likely that one (or both) of you might find yourself saying, “Finally! Someone understands me!”

At the Divorce Busting^® conference I participated in, Michele Wiener-Davis told the story of one couple she met. The wife never wanted to have sex, but when she gave into her husband’s request, she actually had a great time and found the experience to be highly satisfying. The husband commented, “I wish I could take a Sharpie pen and write on her arm, ‘I like sex!’ Then, the next time I ask, she can read it and remind herself.”

While I think that the vast majority of people would be a bit embarrassed to have such a visual reminder of their sex life in such an obvious place (can you imagine the looks and questions she would get??!), the humour of this story strikes a cord of truth in most couples. So, here’s my advice to any Cycle 2 people out there - when your spouse approaches you to see if you are in the mood for sex, follow the advice of my friend in Texas and say, “Kiss me first so I can find out!”

So here are my questions for you:

• Are you a Cycle 1 or Cycle 2 person?
• Which one is your spouse?
• Are you in a mixed-cycle marriage?
• What can the two of you do to close the desire gap in your relationship?