Last week, I had the pleasure of watching The Proposal on DVD. My husband is out of town and I often use times like this as an opportunity watch a lot of films. It is a win/win. He doesn’t have to endure movies that he would be watching simply to make me happy, and I get to do some “market research on the cultural perspective of romance” (in layman terms, I get to enjoy a really sappy chick-flick).

The main character in this film, Margaret (played by Sandra Bullock), is an orphan and consequently is extremely driven and myopically focused on her career. In fact, she has nothing BUT her career and comes across really bitchy.

While I genuinely hope that the people in my life don’t think of me as a bitchy – at least not all the time – I too am an orphan. It is the single-most defining role which shapes and molds how I see and approach life. When times get tough, my orphan voice says to me, “This is a walk in the park. At least no one has died!” When I feel overwhelmed, that same little voice whispers, “You have overcome much worse than this, so buck up!” When I start to take my husband for granted, the voice nags, “Remember that you don’t know how long you will have him so treat him well”. I am constantly guided by the learnings that I have gleaned from losing my parents at a young age. And while I still miss them desperately, I also am extremely cognizant of the fact that I would not be the person I am today had they lived. Yes, there is a sadness and loneliness which is omnipresent in my life – I believe that it is ludicrous to expect anyone who has lost a loved one to ever fully recover the piece of them which dies with that person – but I have also been given an incredible gift of perspective for which I am deeply grateful.

The English playwright and poet, John Heywood, has been quoted as saying,

“If you will call your troubles experiences, and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy, however adverse your circumstances may seem to be.”

Now, indulge me for a moment as I apply this to your relationship and sex life. If you have a desire gap with your lover (one of you wants more or less sex than the other), what experience can you glean from this state? How can you use this gap as a catalyst to deepen your communication with each other? How do you deal with financial stress which has had a “trickle down” effect in your bedroom? What about menopause or andropause or low libido or erectile dysfunction? How do you approach an illness or disability?

One of our closest friends developed severe arthritis in her early twenties and for years, it took an extreme toll on their sex life. However, a few years ago they made a choice: rather than having a bad sex life for the rest of their marriage, they would embrace the mystery that they would often not know how her body would respond. They increased their communication skills and increased their creativity so they could have a full repertoire of tactics they could take when she wasn’t feeling well. I must say that, despite chronic illness in their relationship, they have one of the best sex lives that I have ever heard about.

When we choose to see troubles in our sex lives as “experiences” and choose to learn from those experiences, the intimacy in our relationship grows to a magnitude that we previously did not think was possible.

I learned a long time ago that while I could spend my life playing the “orphan card” for sympathy, it did not change anything and would never make things better.  Is it time for you to stop playing the “poor me card” in your sex life?