Posts tagged: sex
A new study analyses what makes a great sex life. Here are some of the highlights:
You can read the entire article here.
What makes your sex life great?
This past weekend, I was speaking to a group of pastors and their spouses on The Essential Elements of Sex. As I began to talk about the concept of making love versus having a quickie, one woman called out, “Sometimes you just need a snack!” The room dissolved into laughter and even the most shy in the room were giggling in approval.
As a coach, one of the common complaints that I hear is that the woman wants to “make love” and feels that her husband just wants to have “a quickie”. The former evokes images of a couple looking into each other’s eyes and kissing deeply while the latter conjures up the picture of getting pinned against the wall and being taken right then and there. Both can be deeply passionate, just different forms of expressing the passion.
Sometimes, sex will be a deep, soul-connecting intimacy with our spouse. Other times, it will just be a way to experience pleasure together quickly. Sometimes it will be a two-hour experience; sometimes it won’t last ten minutes. Sometimes it will be long and luxurious; other times it will be fast and frantic. Sometimes both spouses will walk away having experienced orgasm; other times the focus is on one person alone.
Difficulty arises, however, when couples fall into a rut of believing that it has to be one or the other… all the time. I have seen husbands refuse to acknowledge the need to make love and I have met wives who insist that each and every sexual encounter must be “making love”. A dogmatic adherence to one or the other undermines true intimacy. A steady diet of quickies denies the concepts of exploration, creativity, and deep communication because, amongst other reasons, there is simply no time to venture into those areas. On the other hand, if couples only have sex when they have time to make love, they might never get to it out of sheer busyness!
Both types of sex build intimacy if they are done in balance. Sometimes you need a gourmet meal; sometimes you need a snack.
Which one do you need to work into your sex life to regain balance?
Right now, I am in the middle of fairly intense media training. My assignment is to shoot 5 one-minute videos each day. That’s not so difficult. However, later that day, I have sit down with a team of people while we all watch and critique the videos. And believe me, there is a lot to critique.
The team tackles issues such as gestures, phraseology, eye movements, expression, emphasis, content, lighting, makeup, and wardrobe. Yesterday was a particularly spectacular day because I wore a sweater that blended into the background and made me appear as though I had no arms. Seriously, every person watching the video laughed out loud, pointed and said, “you have no arms!!” or “wardrobe malfunction!!”
It sucks.
I am deriving very little pleasure from this process.
All my insecurities and perfectionist tendencies are coming to the surface.
I want to run and hide every time the team meets.
I cringe every time a new video starts.
And yet, I am keenly aware that if I want to accomplish some of my goals for 2011 this is exactly the type of training that I need. I will only develop this skill set by completing my assignment each and every day and then learning how I can improve – not just through my own eyes, but from the perspectives of others too. It helps that when I look up from my computer to the list of goals that hangs on the wall across from me, I am able to remember the reasons why I must press on despite the fact that I am miles outside of my comfort zone.
As I ponder what I am doing, it occurs to me that it is not unlike one of the principles that I teach my coaching clients.
If you are going to become a better lover, you must practice. I don’t just mean have sex more often; I mean have times in which you consciously lower your expectations of each other. I find that we put enormous expectations on our sexual relationships. They have to be good, all the time. There is very little room for “practice sex”.
In practice sex, the two of you decide that you want to get more skilled in a particular area. Perhaps she has never had multiple orgasms before, and you want to see what it takes to get her there. Perhaps he would like oral sex as part of your foreplay, and you are completely intimidated by this concept.
Set aside time when the two of you agree that you are going to practice. By agreeing ahead of time, you ease the pressure of performance. Then, allow for mistakes (and possibly even mediocre sex) during this time. Remember that it’s okay to not be great when you are practicing!! The goal is learning how to become better!!
Just as I am learning as I shoot these videos, couples need to remember that in order to get really good at sex, you have to go through the awkward learning stage. So be patient with each other and enjoy it as much as possible!
I am now going to take my own advice and set up the video camera.
PS – My goal is to start rolling out “Vlogs” soon. Hopefully, I will have arms in them.
Want a better Sex Life? Then exercise!
Jillian Michaels entered our lives on January 3, 2011. Prior to that, I had been going swimming every morning. But I am self-aware enough to realize that when winter arrived, the thought of having to dig my car out of the snow before driving to the pool at 6am was going to be a big enough disincentive to make me roll over and go back to sleep. I needed something that I could do in the warmth of my own home.
So, it came down to Jillian Michaels or a treadmill. She was cheaper and tells me what an amazing job I am doing, so she won. So now, Eric and I begin our morning by working out together. Not only are we encouraging each other in our pursuit for health and fitness, but evidently we are also making our sex life better.
Did you know that swimmers in their 60’s have the sex lives of people decades younger than them? Did you know that men and women who exercise 2-3 times a week rate their sex life as “above average”? Or that women have an easier time coming to orgasm and men lower their chances of impotence if they are exercising on a regular basis?
In short, the more consistently you exercise, the better your sex life will be.
Study after study has concluded that exercise has a both a physical and psychological impact. Here are some of the sexual side-effects of working out:
So now you have even more reasons to get out of bed when that horribly annoying alarm clock goes off at the same time every morning abruptly waking you up from the most amazing dream while you lie cocooned in the world’s warmest comforter. Notice I didn’t say it made the exercising any more pleasant, only that the benefits are worth the effort!!
How about you? What kind of exercise do you do? Has it made a difference in your sex life?
Did you know that MEN fake orgasm too???
Ever since the famous scene in When Harry Met Sally, we have been culturally conscious of the fact that women can pull the wool over the eyes of their men. However, new studies are now debunking the myth that only women engage in this sort of activity.
According to the November issue of the Journal of Sex Research, 25% of the men in their study confessed to pretending to orgasm. Askmen.com also did a survey of 100,000 men in which 14% admitted that they had done it once and a further 16% said they had done it multiple times.
But how? This seems to be the question that immediately comes to everyone’s mind.
If you think about it, in the day in which condoms and lubricants are prevalent, it would be easy to cover up the (lack of) evidence. If you throw in the fact that most women are not checking to see if their partners are faking it – because, let’s be honest, how many are – it would be relatively easy for the guys to pull off.
Why would a guy fake it? Simply put, for the same reason a woman does. The study published by the Journal of Sex Research stated that the most frequently cited reasons were:
Very often, we assume that men are always willing and eager to have sex and overlook the fact that they might be tired, or stressed or simply not in the mood. Just like many women.
But the typical response for women who find out that their husband is not automatically ready to go or cannot achieve orgasm is to assume that something is wrong with them. “Is he getting it somewhere else? Am I too fat? Am I not good enough?” are the some of the myriad of thoughts that float through their minds.
Perhaps. But it is much more likely that there is something else in play. Here are some of the common reasons why men have difficulty achieving orgasm:
So what if you are caught in the trap of faking it? The first time you faked it, it was probably to alleviate the pressure you were feeling in the moment. But now, you are under even more pressure to keep up the act and this can get very old, very fast.
Here is my advice.
Stop.
Yes, that’s right.
Stop.
Instead of devising ways to pull off the deception, view this as an opportunity to learn together and make your sex life better. You have the information now about the causes for your lack of orgasm as well as some of the feelings that your wife is probably going to have when you tell her, so you will have a little more (intelligent) communication points for the conversation that will inevitably happen.
Here is what I want everyone to remember: change is inevitable in your sex life. Inability to orgasm is just one of those possible changes. It is guaranteed that your body will change as the years go by, and your perspectives will most likely shift as well. If you do not have open and honest communication with your spouse, things will fall apart. You will find yourself with a spouse who is doing things that were awesome five years ago, but aren’t so hot anymore. Or you will find yourself hiding more and more instead of becoming more and more intimate. This does not make a fabulous sex life.
So have the conversation and devise a strategy of dealing with the issue. Perhaps you can go to your doctor and find something that is effective for your condition but does not have the sexual side-effects. Perhaps you can develop ways to lengthen the amount of foreplay so that you can really be aroused. Perhaps you need to lay off the booze.
And if you are the woman who is finding out that her husband has been faking it, don’t be defensive. Just listen. And then seek solutions together.
Sometimes an independent perspective can helpful. If you need a Passion Coach, then contact me for some extra help.
That’s what I am here for!
The University of Indiana recently published its findings in the most comprehensive sex study that has been conducted in years. The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior surveyed the sexual experiences and condom usage of nearly 6,000 people from the ages of 14-90. Some interesting findings:
Want to know more? Read more about the survey here.
Are you surprised to learn that adults over 40 are the least likely to use a condom? Thoughts?
I recently had a radio personality ask me, “Are you interested in anything other than sex?” I laughed because the truth of the matter is that I have numerous interests but they always find their way back to intersecting with relationships and intimacy for me. It’s like the Kevin Bacon game of 6 Degrees of Separation for me…give me a topic and I will link it back to sex in 6 or less steps.
One of my hobbies is personality tests. I have been fascinated with who we are and why we are who we are since I realized (at about age 12) that the reason my father and I fought all the time was because we were actually quite similar. This concept fascinated me and began what has become a life-long study.
Most recently, I have just finished reading Helen Fisher’s book Why Him? Why Her? For those of you who are not yet familiar with Dr. Fisher, allow me to introduce you. She is one of my favourite anthropologists and sex researchers. Dr. Fisher is known for putting people who are in love into an MRI machine and then watching their brains to see which areas light up when they are given a picture of their beloved. Science and sex together. Seriously, who would not want this woman’s job??
Evidently, not everyone. In her book, Dr. Fisher describes four broad personality types – not all of whom would enjoy doing what she does. As she describes these personalities, she asserts that while everyone has a primary personality type, they also have secondary type that also influences how they think and act.
So far, her theories weren’t much different that what I have previously studied – she just gave different names to the categories. But here is the part that really caught my attention – these personality types are influenced by the predominant hormones that you have coursing through your system which, of course, are genetically inherited.
I know, I know, the nature/nurture debate is never-ending and quite frankly, I am a bit bored by it. Scientists are finally beginning to conclude (and Dr. Fisher accedes to these findings) that it is about a 50/50 split.
But for the purpose of this article, let’s focus on the genetic part of your personality right now. Here are the four broad categories:
EXPLORERS. “Carpe Diem.” These individuals have a higher amount of dopamine in their systems. This makes them intensely curious, impulsive, energetic, enthusiastic, optimistic and creative. In her Word Type Study, Dr. Fisher found that adventure is the word most frequently identified by Explorers to describe themselves. They tend to be attracted to other Explorers, have the highest incomes, are the most sexual of all personality types but also have the highest divorce rates.
BUILDERS. “Pillars of Society.” The hormone that is most prevalent with this group of people is serotonin. They tend to be loyal, social, conscientious, dutiful, cautious, moral, respectful of authority, orderly and excellent managers. In the Word Type Study, family is the word used most frequently by Builders. Builders tend to gravitate to other Builders, are popular in their large social circles, have the lowest divorce rates of all the personalities but also have the lowest sex drives.
DIRECTORS. “Always to the Stars.” Testosterone is what influences the personalities of this group. Consequently, they are outspoken, direct, independent, competitive, pragmatic, goal-oriented and systematic. In her Word Type Study, Dr. Fisher found that intelligence is the word used most frequently by Directors. They are the most likely to get their PhD’s, can be very self-critical as they search for the highest prize (knowledge), have a healthy sexual appetite and tend to be attracted to Negotiators.
NEGOTIATORS. “Philosopher Kings.” The amount of estrogen found in this group makes them tend to be big-picture thinkers, emotionally expressive, intuitive, imaginative, tolerant of ambiguity, and empathetic. In her Word Type Study, Dr. Fisher found that passion is the word used most frequently by Negotiators. They too are drawn to Directors, are the most likely of all the groups to read books, they are highly introspective and have a rich fantasy life.
Evidently, my husband and I make a very good match. He is an EXPLORER/Director and I am an EXPLORER/Negotiator. Our primary types enable us to constantly seek out adventure together (much to the chagrin of his predominantly Builder family), and our secondary types balance each other nicely. Why is this helpful information to have? The better you know yourself, the better you know your partner, the better you will be able to navigate the bumps, twists and turns that life hands you.
So, can you see any traits that seem like you? What about your spouse? Does it shed any light on why you have succeeded in your relationship or run into problems?
Obviously, in this article I can’t cover all the ground that Dr. Fisher does in the book. So, here is the link. I highly recommend it!
Ordinarily, I bounce along in life, having a series of wild and wacky and usually embarrassing things that happen to me that I can pass onto you in the context of developing a deeper and richer sex life.
But lately life has been teaching me about something more serious. Something that causes one to stop, to ponder, to contemplate. Something that is extraordinarily uncomfortable to acknowledge. And yet something that, I believe, is at the heart of why so many people have such pain when talking about their sex lives.
My personal journey started when I was doing that aforementioned bouncing along and I ran smack-dab into a situation wherein I had caused pain to another. To be sure, this was not intentional on my part in any way, but intent did not mitigate the fact that I hurt someone. I did. And I felt awful for having caused them pain.
But their reaction to me – whether or not they intended it to be – was devastating. I was shaken to my very core. Suddenly my emotions were all over the map.
I cried. I raged. I had dialogues in my head wherein I called upon all my debate skills from law school and trounced them in public. But when all of this subsided, I wondered, “why is this affecting me so personally?” To be completely blunt, I had apologized to them for causing pain, so I could not figure out why I was still in emotional turmoil over this situation!
So, as is my habit when I find myself in unknown waters, I researched. And to my surprise, my research led me to the concept of shame.
Dr. Brune Brown (a self-described researcher/story-teller), who has spent a decade researching “connection”, says that shame is the fear of disconnection. It is the silent, inner question that we all ask, “Is there something about me that if people see, I won’t be worthy of connection?” And in her brilliant book, The Artist Way, Julia Cameron defines the act of shaming as “the attempt to prevent a person from behaving in a way that embarrasses us.”
We all have things within us that we are deeply afraid to reveal to others. Dr. Brown asserts that all humans capable of empathy have shame and the less we talk about it, the more we have it. We all wear masks that hide the parts of us that we don’t want others to see.
It is my profession to poke behind the masks that people wear and peek into their innermost fears and doubts. I cannot count the number of couples I have met who appeared to all those around them to “have it together” and yet they were secretly meeting with me to discuss their sexless marriage, or the incompatibility of their sexual proclivities or the fact that they loved each other, but were no longer “in love”.
I have also met countless young couples, boasting that they would do just fine in their sex lives because they had done all the research on the quantitative and qualitative elements necessary to sustain a healthy relationship. Later, they creep back to me because, in their youthful zeal, they had failed to see that there are things that you very simply cannot anticipate through theory…only experience can truly test whether you can thrive. Relationships, simply put, are not academic.
But what happens when we say something or do something (intentionally or inadvertently) that rips the mask off of someone and exposes their shame?
Most people resort to blame. (Dr. Brown says the clinical definition of blame is “a way to discharge pain and discomfort.”) For if they can turn the argument around and make you look and feel bad – if they can shame you – then they will feel safe and secure once again with their mask firmly back in place. It turns the spotlight from shining on their insecurities to redirects the light onto you. For, as we all know, the spotlight can be extremely uncomfortable.
Here is an example from my coaching practice. I met with a woman who had been married for decades and had decided that the sex life she had lived with was not what she wanted for the rest of her relationship. She had come to the place of needing a substantial change if she was going to stick around. After a series of conversations, her husband threw up his hands in disgust and said, “What is wrong with you? Sex has always been good for me!”
This woman, after years of silence, had expressed a desire to change their sex life, and his response was to cover his own shame of being unable to satisfy his wife by telling her that she was the problem. She had embarrassed him, and he responded by shaming her.
So how do you confront shame and blame in the bedroom?
Of course, putting several bullet points on paper makes the process seem simple. Let me to assure you that it is not. But it is a starting place. If you want to research a bit more, take 20 minutes and watch Dr. Brown’s presentation at TED here.
So what do you think? Have you ever been shamed…have you ever reacted to someone by shaming them? Your thought are always welcome!
When one of our friends was in his twenties and his son Adam was just three, his son saw him step out of the shower.
“Dad, when I get older, will my penis get bigger?”
“Sure, son. It will.”
“Is mine going to be as big as yours when I am your age?”
The dad felt both awkward and amused by the question.
“Well, probably yeah.”
His son thought about that for a minute, and then with eyes getting wider by the moment said, “that means that when I am forty, it’ll be HUGE!!”
Aging is just a matter of perspective. Many people dread adding candles to their birthday cakes, but this little boy could only think of the benefits of getting older. And, in such boy-like fashion too!
Today is my birthday.
I love my birthday. Not because I look forward to the gifts, or phone calls or Facebook messages – although those are wonderful and if you are sending them to me, keep ‘em coming!
I love my birthday for two reasons. The first is out of sheer competitiveness. I am trying to beat my parents. You see, my mom died when she was 46 and my father died when he was 51. Neither of them lived for very long. I very simply want to outlast them. (I am hearing Billy Joel’s song Only the Good Die Young as I type this. What that says about my desire to be “good”, I will refrain from commenting on.)
But the second reason that I love my birthday is that every year, I have accumulated more knowledge, more understanding and hopefully more wisdom. The person who I am today is happier, has a deeper sense of self, has helped more people, is more comfortable with the body God gave me, has grown in courage, has learned more from mistakes and has had more adventures than the “me” of last year. I know “me” better. I like “me” better. I can’t wait to see who “me” is at the end of each year. I have to admit that, looking forward, the idea of turning 50 just thrills me to no end!
Why do I blog about turning older on a website which is devoted to passion, love and intimacy? Because I know – from personal experience as well watching the lives of the my clients – that when you are excited about getting better with each year, your sex life gets better too. There is a direct correlation between becoming more comfortable in your own skin and getting better at sex. Why? Because sex is one of the ways we express who we are on the deepest of levels. Our wants, our desires, our proclivities – they all emanate from a place of who we are. And the more we know and understand that, the better we will be able to express it in a truly authentic way. Trust me, when you get there, it is an amazing place to be.
I find that most people who are afraid of turning older feel that they have something missing in their lives. There is something that they want to do which has not yet materialized. Perhaps it is a relationship that they are seeking. Perhaps it is career they have always wanted which has not turned out as planned. Perhaps they don’t even know – they just wander around with a vague sense of aimlessness in life. For those people, the thought of years rolling by is terrifying.
But if you are actively searching for the very best you that you can find, when you are taking the time to listen to that inner voice that acts as your compass to direct you to the reason you were put on this earth and then go after it, the years merely become a companion as you pursue what you were destined to do.
We have another friend who is 62. He was recently asked what he was going to do with his “last 18 summers”. The question was so jarring to him that he spent hours thinking of his answer. And then he made some radical changes in his life.
Can you say that every year you get better? Do you like yourself more? How many summers do you have left? Are you doing what you were meant to do in this life?
If not, you have some work to do. But it will be worth it.
Today, I am going to begin my year by having a ridiculous amount of fun with family and friends.
And, my husband turns forty this year. So, thanks to Adam’s perspective, I have that to look forward to too!
How powerful is your mind? Exceedingly so!
One of my favourite sex researchers, Cindy Meston from University of Texas, has just finished a study in which women reported that their libido improved even when they were given a placebo.
“The findings from our study show how a woman’s expectations to improve sexually can have a substantial positive effect on her sexual well-being without any actual drug treatment,” Meston says. “Expecting to get better and trying to find a solution to a sexual problem by participating in a study seems to make couples feel closer, communicate more and even act differently towards each other during sexual encounters.”
For the complete article, read here:
University of Texas Study by Cindy Meston
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