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Posts tagged: sexy

Sex is Like Typing

Posted on April 20, 2010

pc-and-mac

Today I converted. Mac has been proselytizing long and hard and has finally won my heart. Perhaps I fell in love the trendy guy who plays Mac in the commercials on TV. Perhaps it is because so many of my friends have Macs. Perhaps it is that every time I sit in my husband’s office, I get jealous because he has a Mac and I do not.

For the last year or so, my husband and I have had an on going discussion about a new computer. It was not a question of “if” but “when”. My laptop was far too old. And while age in and of itself was not enough reason for me to go through the pain of moving my life from one computer to another, the fact that it took 7 minutes to boot up was grating severely on my nerves. (Yes, I timed it.) So, the question turned to the type of computer I would get. I was angling for a Mac, but my husband declared that I was not “Mac Worthy”. I felt like I was stuck in an old Seinfield episode. You know the one…”sponge worthy”.

It is true that I do not do the incredibly tech-y things that Mac is designed for. I am not designing websites; I am writing copy. I am not editing graphics; I am sketching my ideas by hand. All the people who design my sites and edit my graphics have Macs. Technically, I don’t NEED one.

But Macs are sexy. And fast. And you can shut the cover without turning off the entire computer.

Finally, my husband and I came to a compromise. We have a friend who has a lightly-used Mac laptop, and we would buy it off of him. I get the benefits of a Mac without the full weight of the price tag.

So today, I am typing on a new keyboard and getting used to its nuances. I choose the smaller computer intentionally so that I can take it with me on the road. (There is nothing worse than having an idea for a blog and writing it on a scrap of paper that inevitably gets lost.) The downside to a smaller computer is that the keyboard is slightly smaller as well. And I am finding that the “Y” key is sticking a bit. I have to hit it a bit harder to get it to work. But everything else is rainbows and unicorns – just like they promise it will be on the commercials!  All of this reminds me of an illustration I use when teaching clients about sexuality.

Sex is like typing.

If your goal is to be a phenomenal lover, it takes time, practice and feedback to learn how to hit the right keys at the right time to get the desired outcome. If you are not getting feedback, you won’t be a good typist. If you don’t practice, you won’t be a good typist. Our bodies are a lot like this keyboard.

But, let’s change up the illustration a bit. In real life, our “keyboard” actually changes over time. Sometimes, only a couple keys are out of place. If they are keys that we don’t use often such a “q” or “x”, it will probably take us a while to notice. But if the “a” or the “t” suddenly moved places, we will take heed immediately. If someone switched our normal keyboard for a Dvorak keyboard on us, we would probably come unglued.

In our sex lives, we need to realize that change is inevitable. What worked in your sex life when you got married might not work after you have had kids and will most likely not work after menopause. Throw in a chronic illness or job loss or depression and you are getting calls from a completely different playbook altogether.

You can approach these changes in a couple ways:

  1. You realize that change is bound to happen and so you shore up your communication skills. That way, when change does come, you have a way to express your needs to your spouse and sort through the challenges together.
  2. You can get all pissy and pout about the drain of kids, or getting older, or whatever else is bothering you – with all that free time you’re going to have when you stop having sex altogether.

You get to choose. Do you want to be reactive or proactive?

One last thought. Think of all the new things you will get to try as you take your new “keyboard” out for a whirl over the years. The very fact that change is inevitable forces us to get out of the rut we have fallen in, look at our spouse through new lenses, and learn about each other in a deeper way. This process, when done well, builds incredible intimacy.

Me? I am embracing change today. Good-bye, PC, I will not miss thee.  I’ll learn to live with a sticky Y key.  Worst-case scenario is that I type in “sexy” and only get “sex” on the page.  And getting sex when you weren’t expecting it ain’t all bad!!

funny-mac

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What is Sexy? Guest Post by Laura North

Posted on February 9, 2010

It all started with a question from the back seat of the minivan. “Mommy, what is sexy?” We had been discussing licence plates and how I remembered mine which ends with AVS. I had created an acronym about my husband: Andrew’s Very Sexy. Thus, the question.

Instantly, I remembered my confusion as a child about that word sexy as I watched a television show with Rod Stewart prancing about the stage with spiked hair and tight leather pants singing:

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy
Come on, sugar, let me know
If you really need me just reach out and touch me
Come on, honey, tell me so

So yes! What is sexy?

Thankfully, I remembered and repeated a quote I had read in a book from a mother who  when asked the same question by her 5 year old she said, “Sexy is when it feels good to be in your own skin. Your own body feels right, it feels comfortable. Sexy is when you love being you. Because it all starts with being sexy on the inside.”

My daughter was satisfied and I got curious.

A few days later, the aforementioned sexy husband and I headed away for the weekend and I placed the question on the table for discussion. That question has begun a month long theme of ‘What is sexy?’ As a life coach I am all about questions…good questions. The kind of questions that linger in one’s awareness like perfume or cologne long after the date is over.   I am not always about finding the answers because once you do…. you stop looking, discovering, growing. Often I think, we are meant to live the questions. I want to live ‘What is ‘sexy?’ for a long time.

So, we discussed the obvious physical attributes but then kept going looking at the wider definition. Almost every day since the question was posed we have delved deeper….how sexy is defined during different season of life, busting cliches like sexy is taking out the garbage and looking at the even bigger question for ourselves, ‘Am I sexy?’

It is amazing once a word is in your awareness how it shows up everywhere. A movie director client described her job as sexy, a salesman eagerly attributes sexiness to the red sports car he is selling and I even overheard a discussion commenting on a new sexy computer software program.

Sexy describes a life force. As Kris Carr named her documentary Crazy Sexy Cancer and subsequent website Crazy Sexy Life, she attribute the word sexy to an intrinsic  force within all of us.

When I begin a coaching partnership with a new client I often start by having them read the famous quote by Marianne Williamson and underline one or two sentences that have particular significance to them:

‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.’

Sexy is not a word in the quote but it could be. Who are you to be sexy? I believe if I gave a group of men and women a list of 100 words and asked them to pick 10 words to describe themselves that sexy would rarely be chosen. Sexiness is powerful. It can attract what we don’t want as much as what we do. It connects us to a powerful force that can have us feel like we are riding a thoroughbred…and we have not finished jockey training school. Or it causes us to face the some truth about our attractiveness and worse than being sexy is the fear of being vain, conceited or self-centered. To truly own the word we have to come to terms a part of ourselves that can feel both vulnerable and potent.

So in an act of curiosity and simply research for this article I invited others into the question.  I asked several groups of people “How would you answer the question, ‘What is sexy?’”

Some laughed nervously and changed the topic, from some I got radio silence, but all in all an overwhelming response.

It seems I am not the only one intrigued to define and explore this word that has so much power, magnetism and energy. It appears to be a loaded question and yet even in our over-sexed culture…very difficult to define.

Several people gave one word or simple answers:

  • Confidence
  • Enthusiasm
  • Tool-belt
  • A smile
  • Joie de vivre
  • A peek of skin
  • Sparkly eyes
  • Stubble
  • A long pony tail that swings when she walks.
  • A pregnant woman in a bikini.
  • The sensation of all the senses.
  • Nothing but a Canucks jersey.
  • Sexy comes from within when you are reminded that you are… beautiful!
  • Sexy is feeling like the most amazing person in the world whether I’m dressed up to the nines or wearing sweatpants and a tee!
  • I feel sexiest when my mind is touching someone else’s.
  • A woman ‘showing off’ her body without ‘showing too much’ is incredibly sexy.
  • It is the look that is unaware of the presence of anyone else.

Others had a lot more to say:

  • What is sexy? Well, if you mean, ‘what does the word sexy mean’, then sexy is anything that inspires sexual interest and feeling. But what inspires sexual interest and feeling? Used to be tequila or beer kegs. Has also been the power of making someone want me – that was damned sexy. For a time, another’s disinterest could be sexy. Sometimes being attractive to others made another person sexy – their very desired-ness was sexy to me.
  • What is sexy? I was shocked that my brain went numb when I asked myself this question. What do I find sexy? Still numb. The short answer is that I think I find individuals that have the quiet self assurance  that comes from being authentic, sexy. There also needs to be some level of health. Too much coughing and complaining is not sexy!!
  • I’ve been thinking about “sexy” the last couple of days and my definition for myself is that I often feel sexy when I am wearing  clothes that make me strut just a little. It is my husband who helped me be more fully aware of what it means to be a woman, what it means to be sexy.  His delights  in my body and my sexiness.
  • Thank you for your question!  We talked about it for awhile but over the course of the conversation we got <ahem> distracted! <wink>
  • If we are to believe what the media pumps out about “what is sexy”, it’s reserved for the young perfect few.  It has been said that the brain is the biggest sex organ in the body next to the skin.  Sexy is a state of mind for me not what I look like.  I am sexy because the love in my life makes me so. I am allowed to be myself (including flaws) and I am loved.  Love allows me to be confident.
  • ‘Sexy’ is knowing that you are desirable to others.  Sometimes that is in a physical way, but it can also be on an emotional, intellectual or even spiritual level.  It is knowing that others want to connect with you, and that in some way, you are very attractive to them.
  • Sexy is an individual definition based on the eyes and heart of another person. It is also a definition you can hold for yourself about yourself.  You can choose that perspective, no matter what your body shape
  • If I were explaining it to my 3 year old daughters I would say:  ”Sexy is when you feel a certain way.  It’s partly about the way you say your words, the way you wiggle and spin, the way you whisper and smile.  God made you a girl, a beautiful girl and I love it when you announce to me, ‘I’m bootiful!’ That is sexy.”

Reflecting on God, I am always fascinated to think about all of the things God didn’t have to create…colour, music, taste, laughter, nipples on men.  And what about sexuality…..Maybe God could have given the baby delivery job to the storks after all.  Procreation aside, why is sexuality essential to our existence? To our relationships? To ourselves?

Our view of sex, sexy, and sexual energy can be so extremely narrow. The truth is that we struggle in our connection with the earth, with each other and with ourselves. Our sexuality is our awareness that we are separate and our sexuality is all about all the ways we go about trying to connect.

In Rob Bell’s book, Sex God, he raises some interesting points paraphrased here:

For many, sexuality is simply what happens between two people involving physical pleasure. But that’s only a small percentage of what sexuality is. Music, for example,  is powerful because it connects us…it is sexual. We generally don’t think of it in those terms but it is true. Certain communal events draws us together into something bigger than the event itself…we are connected…the way it is supposed  to be; a run for a common cause, a concert, a rally, a church service. Our sexuality is all of the ways we strive to reconnect with our world, with each other, and with God. This why places like the red light district in Amsterdam are so sexually repressed. Lots of physical interaction and no connection. Lust comes from a deep lack of satisfaction with life. Lust says, “If you just have this everything would be fine.” Lust promises what it can’t deliver.

Sexuality in its purest form offers us acceptance of ourselves, others and God…..which is the greatest connection there is.

So when our sexuality is defined by what we are made for (connection) and what is possible (acceptance) then ‘sexy’  becomes an invitation to connect as we are meant to.

So what happens when you ask yourself the question, ‘What is sexy?’

Can you say that you are sexy? Why or why not?

What would happen if you did?

So as the Olympic spirit descends on Vancouver, BC here is the essence of sexy fun by Evgeni Plushenko, 2006 Winter Olympics Gold medalist.

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LAURA NORTH, CPCC
Certified Professional Co-Active Coach
www.truenorthcoaching.com

Laura is a bold and intuitive coach certified through The Coaches Training Institute. She is an excellent communicator who has assisted many in overcoming personal and professional challenges. Laura believes that when we struggle to find the answers to our questions perhaps we need to look at the questions we are asking.

Like most of us, Laura’s most profound learning has been taught by life itself. As a cancer survivor (Hodgkin’s Disease) at the age of 19, Laura knows what it means to fight for your life. Her strength is supporting others to clarify what they want, identify obstacles (real or imaginary) create a plan and then get moving.

After fifteen years in Education she describes that time in her life as one of the most exhausting, yet most fulfilling. “I learned more about life, relationships and discovering who I was during those years. Children are wise and gifted teachers” says Laura.

Laura’s greatest longing is for people to know deeply who they are…..beloved children of a loving God. She does not market herself as a ‘Christian Coach” as she loves to ask all people questions to have them seek for truth and watch God show up in beautifully intimate ways just where they are.

As the founder of True North Coaching in the late nineties, she is one of Vancouver’s first certified professional coaches. She attracts a wide variety of clients locally and internationally and is a celebrated speaker and workshop leader. Laura lives in Vancouver, Canada with her husband of 20 years and two young children.

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How to Look Good Naked

Posted on November 17, 2009

“All we’ve ever wanted is to look good naked; hope that someone can take it.
God save me rejection from my reflection; I want perfection”

Robbie Williams, Bodies

How to Look Good Naked

I am endlessly fascinated by the British series How to Look Good Naked. During each show the host, Gok Wan, will hone in on the deepest insecurities of a female guest and discover which body part she despises most about herself. He will then have her strip down to her “knickers” (or underwear for you non-British folk out there) and introduce her to a line up of average-looking women who are also in their undies. Gok explains to the guest that these women are lined up from smallest to largest of the hated body part. The woman then has to place herself where she thinks she fits in the line up. So, for example, if she is really concerned about her thighs, he arranges the women from smallest to largest thighs and then has the guest decides where she believes she measures up.

I have never seen a show where the guest didn’t go right near to the end where the largest body part was. Sometimes, while she does this, she is in tears completely undone by her self-loathing. However, Gok will then move her to the place where she actually belongs – this is most often nearer to the smaller end. The brilliant point that the show makes is that when it comes to body image, how we perceive ourselves is not necessarily reality.

We are besieged, each and every day, by images of “beauty” as defined by marketers. We somehow forget that it is their job to make us feel insecure about ourselves so that we will go out and buy their product. In fact, we get so caught up in what beauty is supposed to look like that when our lover tells us how good we look, we grimace and respond with an ungracious comment such as, “you need to get your eyes checked”. Internally, we are running through a checklist – formed through our consumption of airbrushed images – of all the reasons why s/he is wrong. But we, like the women on How to Look Good Naked, might have perspectives on our bodies which are very, very wrong.

Most people at this point go into a diatribe about how our character, our choices, our love for each other, our insides are most important in life. And I am all for those things. Truly.

However, there is no doubt that attraction is essential to a great sex life. You go to bed anticipating hot, steamy sex and all that passion you are feeling is immediately extinguished when he kisses you with unbrushed teeth and you get to taste what he had for dinner. Or she sidles up to you in her ratty sweats – so she can stay warm during foreplay, of course. Or he hasn’t cleaned under his finger nails since 1995. Or her hair hasn’t come down from that pony-tail since the kids were born. Physical attraction matters. You might be a beautiful person inside, but s/he is not making love to your insides.

When I am coaching couples, I try to redirect their focus from what our society says is attractive to what they find attractive in each other. Instead of scrambling to reach some unattainable cultural expectation (let’s face it, we’ve all seen rather unflattering photos of what the media refer to as “beautiful people”), find out what your lover sees as beautiful and what makes you feel attractive and sexy. Then set a goal to work on those things.

One of my clients shared with me her road to finding her “attractive self”. She has terrible skin sensitivities and so she cannot wear makeup easily and even hair products can be problematic. She always felt “less-than” because she couldn’t have the glamorous hair and makeup like the models. However, she discovered that she feels really attractive in skirts. So, she started to look for skirts which really make her feel sexy. Sometimes they are long; sometimes they are short. They had to be made of a fabric that felt good to her. She works with her husband, and so sometimes she goes to work with garters on underneath her skirts. And he loves this. Just knowing that his wife is wearing garters under her skirts is a complete turn-on to him especially since he can think about it all day at work. Now, if you saw her walking down the street and you were looking only for women who fit the model version of “gorgeous”, you might not give her a second glance. But she knows that she is attractive and her husband knows this too. They have found what really works for them.

What works for you and your lover? Do you actively put effort into being attractive for your spouse? If this is an area of your relationship that you would like to address, here are some things you can do:

  1. What does your lover find attractive about you? Have you ever asked or have you just assumed? Ask him/her – what is your favourite feature about me? What do I do that you find attractive? If I am able to do nothing else to make myself attractive, but I could only do one thing for you – what would that one thing be? If s/he is open to the conversation, turn it around and tell him what you find attractive about him/her.
  2. What makes you feel attractive, beautiful, sexy, hot? Do you allow yourself the time, the energy, the money to invest in this? How would your demeanor change if you did? Would your lover notice a difference? Would other people around you notice a difference? Find one (even small) way that you can feel more attractive this week and do it.
  3. Buy an article of clothing that makes you feel incredible. How does it feel against your skin? What do you love about it – is it the colour, the shape, the fabric, the way you look in it? How does your lover respond when you wear it?

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Hint #3

Posted on June 3, 2009

Just like anything in life, you have to believe in yourself.  Once you have established that fact, confidence always follows suit.  It’s no different in the bedroom.  To be sexy, you have to think sexy.  Ditch any hang ups at the bedroom door and don’t stress about whether you’ll make the cut for the next top model.  They’re irrelevant when it comes to having a great orgasm.

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