Relational Eroticism Part 2

I am not a history teacher by any means, but I have heard the comment that those who do not study the past are destined to repeat it.  I understood that statement to be an indictment on ignorance, and I have never wanted to be ignorant.  So, in order to “study the past” I became a student of it, mostly by watching the History Channel and Mel Gibson movies every now and again.  And one of my, now less so, guarded secrets is that I love watching the History Channel.  I was watching it the other day when my husband walked in.  He stared at the screen for a moment and saw men dressed up in medieval armor and turned and looked at me…waiting for some explanation as to why I was watching historical battles reenacted. I didn’t really have one other than a meek, “there wasn’t anything else on.”  But the truth is that I found it fascinating.

I love the names we have given to periods of time in history:  “The Dark Ages”, “The Renaissance”, “The Age of Enlightenment”…these all sound so romantic.  It’s way better than simply saying, “I grew up in the 70’s!  Best I have is “The Age of Bellbottoms and Awful Moustaches”, and that doesn’t roll off the tongue.

Just like looking back at pictures from the 1970’s and wondering how on earth our parents could have thought those clothes were fashionable in any way, when we look back on other ages in history it is always interesting to see what odd and even ignorant perceptions and paradigms people held so dear to themselves.

For instance, look at the so-called “Middle Ages” or “Dark Ages” for instance.  It was not until hundreds of years later that scholars began to use those terms for it, and it quickly took on a derogatory meaning.  It became a way to sum up that section of time by focusing on what was deemed to be “wrong with it.”  For a while it was called the “Age of Faith” because religion reigned supreme in the culture. Later, when this was deemed to be inappropriate because it is in direct conflict with the subsequent deification of intellect and man, scholars began referring to that period of history as “barbaric” and “priest-ridden”, and spoke of “these dark times”, “the centuries of ignorance”, and “the uncouth centuries”.

By the same token, these same scholars began calling their own time the “Age of Enlightenment.”  Thanks to the great oracle Google, I can tell you that, The Age of Enlightenment (or simply the Enlightenment) is a term used to describe a time in Western philosophy and cultural life, in which reason was advocated as the primary source and legitimacy for authority.  In fact, during this time reason was held to be the primary value of society.  Reason was prized above authority, intuition, emotion, mysticism, superstition, and faith.

Why am I forcing you into my private interest in history?  Because there are things we can learn from the past.  In fact, our current culture is shaped, in many ways, by cultural past. Studies have been done that show as much as 90% of our beliefs are secondary - meaning, that we either heard or read it, but did not personally experience it, and yet we believe it to be true. So when we hear “Dark Ages” we believe those times to be “bad” and when we hear “Enlightenment” we believe those times to be “good”.  What follows from that are logical conclusions that we should do like those who were “enlightened” and not be like those who were “ignorant”.   The pendulum has swung fully from a time where mysticism and faith (belief in that which cannot be seen or explained) were revered to a place where reason and understanding reign supreme.  Anything that cannot be fully known, understood, and explained in minute detail is not to be trusted.

The problem with this, like with any over-reaction, is that we have thrown the proverbial baby out with the bathwater.  Believe me, I too love to know and understand things.  When my husband is telling me something, I often serenade him with a chorus us “details, details…I WANT DETAILS!!!”  Seriously, I really do sing this to him.  It’s cute when I do it.  Seriously.

Anyway, the point here is that I am like everyone else when it comes to knowing things.  I want to know.  I need to know.  It’s my God-given right to know!  And therefore I tend to not trust things that I do not really understand.

This same philosophy has wormed its way into our belief about relationships.  I cannot tell you how many people have told me that they “deserve to know” every detail of their lover’s past and present in every area of their life.  And if they don’t know every detail, then they assume that things are being hidden and if things are being hidden then they must be bad or they wouldn’t hide them, and if they hide things then they don’t trust them, and if they don’t trust them then they cannot truly love them…and round and round the circle goes - each link in the chain assuming more and more negative qualities and it will become a major block in a relationship (if not a causal link to it failing).  Somehow in marriage we have come to the point where we actively and intentionally strive to eliminate all mystery.  We lose tolerance for a spouse who loads the dishwasher differently than we do - we don’t even bother to see why they do it a different way, we just know that our way is better.  We lose all tolerance for ambiguity - everything has to be nice and predictable.  Orderly.  Able to be quantified and classified.  Simple and easy to explain and understand.

The problem with this banal perspective is that it is, well, boring.  And aside from boring, it by definition extinguishes any erotic life from marriage.  Eroticism thrives in an atmosphere of mystery.  It allows for, and even encourages, spontaneity.  It provides fodder for our powerful imaginations to re-engage in the area of sex.   We regain a sense of wonder about sex.

I love the wording of that phrase: sense of wonder.  The very word bestows us with permission to not know.  To wonder is to not be sure - to not know.  And yet, one of the things we revere about children is their unadulterated sense of wonder - their amazing ability to simply look at things in awe without the overwhelming desire to understand it all.  They can take things at face value and appreciate them for what they are on the surface.  Faith comes easy to them.

We as adults, on the other hand, almost pride ourselves on our cynicism.  No one will take advantage of us.  We have ubiquitous sayings that permeate our sub-conscious like, “fool me once, shame on you - fool me twice, shame on me” or “if it seems too good to be true, then it is” or “I’m from Missouri, SHOW ME.”  We require proof.  In many ways we still cling to the pendulum that swung so far.

This is because, in North America, our thinking has been so radically impacted by the Age of Enlightenment. We can rationalize and explain virtually everything in our world. Intellectual discourse is high on our list of values. If I can explain things more articulately than you then I win the debate. We put very little value on mystery, on that which cannot be explained. Even our “mystery” shows on TV - CSI and Bones among others - are tied up neatly with a bow at the end of the episode. Shows which refuse to explain every little nuance - the show Lost comes to mind - drive us insane. (Why can’t they just tell us what is up with that island anyways?!)

And so it is with our relationships. Can’t communicate well? Head to your local bookstore and look through the thousands of self-help books. Or even better, flip on Dr. Phil - he will give you an answer. Can’t sustain an erection? Go to the doctor and get a prescription of Viagra or Cialis filled. If that doesn’t work, you can research penis implant surgery.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I am not saying that diligently seeking solutions to life’s problems is wrong. Au contraire - I wholeheartedly advocate being solution-oriented. And yet, there are times when we cannot find answers. Times when the prescription medication he is taking to keep him alive has devastating side effects on his libido and despite all the things you have tried, nothing can take away the ache that he doesn’t pursue you like he once did. Times where even though she has never had an orgasm with you, she finally confesses that she cannot live like this any more. Even though you have tried and tried, nothing is working and your fear that she will leave is escalating with each failed attempt.

In these moments, do we stop looking for solutions? No.

Rather we have to act like the love illegitimate love child of Mulder and Scully from the X-Files.  While looking for answers, we have to simultaneously learn to embrace the ambiguity of mystery. We choose to learn from the very fact that we do not know the answers. Contrary to everything our culture teaches us, we realize that we can grow from not knowing. We choose to see this mystery box as something that will weave richness into our life’s story rather than an inconvenience that needs to be immediately eradicated.

Richard Rohr calls this place “liminal space.” He says, “It is when you have left the “tried and true” but have not yet been able to replace it with anything else… It is when you are in between your old comfort zone and any possible new answer. It is no fun.”

No, it is not fun. However, if we can survive liminal space without bailing out too early for cheap and easy answers, we reap incredibly rich rewards: we become adept at dealing with anxiety, living with ambiguity, and stoking the flames of eroticism.

You thought I had forgotten about eroticism. Trust me…I’m getting there, but we have to build the foundation first. Next week: Exploring the Mystery of the Erotic or The Truth Erotic is Out There…

What’s All the BUZZ About?

From pre-engaged individuals to those with over 30 years of marriage - people always seem to have the same questions when it comes to the “taboo” subject of bedroom toys.  And so many don’t know where to go for the answers. But now it’s finally here!  Eryn-Faye’s first behind the scenes e-book focused specifically on Bedroom Toys.

From the perspective that only Canada’s Passion Coach can bring, Eryn-Faye targets the questions you are asking with the answers you are seeking. Eryn-Faye covers it all - from the basics of what a bedroom toy is (and isn’t) to how to talk about them with your lover.

With her trademark humor and frankness, she broaches topics you care about - Are they dirty?  Can I get addicted to them?  Why would I even want one? It’s all in there.  Wondering if you (or your lover) will become “unnecessary”?  She covers that too.

From communication skills to the infamous “walk of shame” when leaving an adult bookstore - Eryn-Faye deals with all of it. The Top 8 Questions Couples Ask About Bedroom Toys are all in here.

Isn’t it time you stopped wondering and started knowing?

You can purchase What’s All the BUZZ About for just $5 USD.

Simply click the Add to Cart button to purchase this exciting eBook!

The Sexual Cycle

A friend of mine from Texas once told me that when her husband asks if she wants to have sex, she will often respond by saying to him, “I don’t know. Why don’t you kiss me and we will find out?”

Whether or not she knew it, she was reflecting what new research is telling us about the sexual cycle. Because of what we see on TV and in Hollywood and maybe even reflected in the lives of those around us, most of us believe that it looks like this:

And for many people - 50% of people in fact - this is the case. They realize that they want sex, which then promotes thoughts and actions which lead to arousal, which leads to a sexual encounter.

However, studies now tell us that this only represents half of the population. What about the other 50%?? The cycle actually looks like this to them:

They actually have to get in the mood and feel the physiological changes of arousal before it will click in their heads that they desire sex. They usually have a great time having sex once they get started, they just start a bit differently.

This is great news for couples who experience a “desire gap” in their marriages. One spouse (the High Desire Spouse - HDS) wants more sex than the other (the Low Desire Spouse - LDS).  As I mentioned in my article, Oh, Me So Horny, the one commonality in these relationships is the LDS gets to set the pace - they have veto power on sex in their marriage - which can cause the desire gap to grow and grow as the years go by.

But what if the LDS is simply someone who falls into the second category of cycles? What if this spouse is waiting to feel that desire in order to acquiesce to sex, all the while not realizing that s/he needs to allow themselves to get aroused first? Remember, a full half of the population falls into this category, so it is highly likely that one (or both) of you might find yourself saying, “Finally! Someone understands me!”

At the Divorce Busting^® conference I participated in, Michele Wiener-Davis told the story of one couple she met. The wife never wanted to have sex, but when she gave into her husband’s request, she actually had a great time and found the experience to be highly satisfying. The husband commented, “I wish I could take a Sharpie pen and write on her arm, ‘I like sex!’ Then, the next time I ask, she can read it and remind herself.”

While I think that the vast majority of people would be a bit embarrassed to have such a visual reminder of their sex life in such an obvious place (can you imagine the looks and questions she would get??!), the humour of this story strikes a cord of truth in most couples. So, here’s my advice to any Cycle 2 people out there - when your spouse approaches you to see if you are in the mood for sex, follow the advice of my friend in Texas and say, “Kiss me first so I can find out!”

So here are my questions for you:

• Are you a Cycle 1 or Cycle 2 person?
• Which one is your spouse?
• Are you in a mixed-cycle marriage?
• What can the two of you do to close the desire gap in your relationship?

Thanksgiving: Introduction

My husband and I have a consistent battle in raising our daughter. She is fortunate enough to be raised in a suburban family with access to private school education, dance classes, membership to Science World and a host of other opportunities. The child has never gone without food or shelter or clothing or other basic human needs. And while we wouldn’t even register as a blip on Forbes magazine’s list of the wealthy, when I look at the rest of the world, I cannot help but realize that we are incredibly privileged. And yet, because she has not yet traveled to other parts of the world to get perspective on how most children her age live, my daughter can easily fall into a pattern of complaining about what she doesn’t get.

Marketers are very familiar with this syndrome that Western children have. They call it the “nag factor”. They put down big money on the bet that parents can only handle the whining for so long before they give in and buy the item for their child. Companies now hire psychologists who give advice on how best to lure your child to the product that they offer. Cheryl Idell, an Executive VP for The Nielson Company, claims that a third of purchases for children are made because of this “nag factor”. Think about it. When was the last time your child asked to go out to eat, or for a certain pair of jeans, or even a pack of gum in the grocery store line?

In our family, we have realized that the only way to combat this swell in cultural tide is to pound home the concept of gratefulness. I am not going to intentionally withhold the opportunity for Riley to go to dance, an activity which she loves and offers all sorts of great learnings, but I can help her see that being thankful about this privilege is an essential tenant of being a Frans. As such, when she falls into a pattern of whining, Eric and I give her these instructions:

“Riley, we would love to hear what you have to say. However, for the next hour, every time you open your mouth to start a conversation, you must begin with the sentence, “I am thankful for…” Once you say something - and it can be something as simple as, “I am thankful that it is sunny today” - you can talk with us.”

When we employ this strategy, something interesting happens. Sure, she gets really angry at first. She pouts. She says she can’t find anything to say. But when we do not relent, she begins to talk about what she is grateful for. Usually her first couple of comments are surly. But as she begins to focus on what is good around her, her attitude changes. Life gets brighter and happier. And right before our eyes, our child changes from a sniveling brat into an incredibly pleasant child.

Even as adults, there is something to be said about the practice of actively looking for the things in our lives for which we are thankful. It’s like those optical illusions in which you can see two pictures. Do you see the beautiful young woman or the old hag?

When your spouse walks in the door, who do you see? Do you see someone who is constantly failing to live up to your expectations, or do you see the person who loves you and is doing their best? I believe a lot of what we see in our spouse emanates from our choice. When we adjust our focus to begin looking for the good in our spouse, our attitudes change. And when our attitudes change, this causes a domino reaction which reverberates through the rest of our relationship.

Since it is Thanksgiving this month in Canada (my American readers will just be studying ahead!), I am going to devote the next couple articles on specific strategies that we can employ to see our lover in a new light. Stayed tuned to see what you can learn!

What would you love to have your spouse do this Thanksgiving?

Commitment 101

So?  How’s the communication going?  You have to love a teacher that ENCOURAGES talking in class!  We are breaking the school mold there aren’t we?  Did you find out what your lover’s love language is?  Did you already know?  How about your own love language?  Did you know what it was before you did the exercise?

Now that you know how to “talk” to each other in the way each of you hear “I Love You” best, have you been telling each other everyday?  Feel free to share with us what you have been learning.  Discussion is the best way for all of us to learn - especially when the topic was communication!!

Since last time I forced a “pop quiz” on you, this time I promise no testing.  Today is more about class work.  I hear you guys…”lecture, tests, class work - when do we have a time devoted to nothing but recess?”  It will come.  Have a little patience.

Today we are going to talk about one of the core pillars of a relationship - commitment.  I know that for some people, “commitment” is like a really long 4-letter word.  It evokes fear and loathing and possibly twitches and facial ticks.  But it need not.  Since we are all in (or preparing for) long-term relationships here, let me try and explain it from a different point of view.

Let’s go over to the play area in the classroom - over there where the building blocks are.  See this block?  Commitment is like this block.  It is the foundational component required to build the level of trust necessary for a complete sex life.  Ahhh…that got your attention didn’t it.  See, the stronger the commitment (or foundation), the greater the trust can flourish.  The greater the level of trust, the deeper the level of intimacy.  When you have deep levels of trust and intimacy, sex becomes more creative and enacted with “reckless abandon” because there is no fear.  This will allow you to build a sex life that will have you waking up each morning already looking forward to when you get to go to bed together again!

Now, to be fair, commitment does not always equal trust, but in a relationship, a lack of commitment is always indicative of a lack of trust.  And generally speaking, a lack of trust will lead you to a sexless marriage/relationship faster than you can turn on the TV or say, “I have a headache”.

I see those hands raised all over the class.  And I love that all the men are asking the same question. “how do I build that foundation?”   Well, that is a two way street boys and girls.  Commitment and trust go hand in hand.  You cannot really build one without affecting the other.

You see, trust is the culmination of good communication and constant maintenance. Relationships are based upon trust and cannot exist without it. Taking the time to practice trust building is not only a good idea - it is absolutely necessary.  The “constant maintenance” that I speak of is the day-to-day part of commitment.  Keeping a commitment starts with making the decision to show up day after day after day.  Taking it a level deeper is to say, I will not leave. To use the school analogy, it is to decide that you will not drop the class even if you fail a test or an exercise.  It is to say, “I will stick with the material until I bring this up to an A.”  Remember that when working towards a goal, you must focus on what you want to obtain and avoid the impulse to go back to what you know and to what is comfortable.  Often times commitment is not comfortable, but true living is outside the proverbial comfort zone.

One of the greatest examples of commitment in history was the Spanish Conquistador Hernando Cortez.  When he landed in Mexico, one of his first orders to his men was to burn the ships.  Cortez was committed to his mission and did not want to allow himself or his men the option of going back to Spain.  By removing this option to leave, Cortez and his men were forced to focus on how they could make the mission successful.   That is the beauty of commitment, once you make a commitment you are forced to focus on how to make it successful.  Cortez did not try to make the mission comfortable.  They did not build huts, plug in an Xbox and simply exist there since they couldn’t go back.  They looked for opportunities to make everything about the experience positive and worthwhile.  They actively and daily sought success within the commitment of the mission.

It is no different in our lives; commitment is a series of conscious choices.  A conscious choice to not attack or berate your lover when an argument starts (even if you didn’t start it).  A conscious choice to put your lover’s needs above your own (even when your needs are just as important to you).  A conscious choice to speak their love language each day.  A conscious choice to not slide into a comfortable apathy of existence.  These are the basic activities of commitment.

Trust, on the other hand, can be “practiced” in more tangible ways.  Oh sure, keeping your word is a huge way to build trust.  Doing what you say you will do, and not doing what you promised you wouldn’t do - these are trust-building activities.  I am constantly telling my 5-year-old daughter that “promises matter” - and at that early age she knows better than to make one lightly.  Because make no mistake, trust is built and earned.  In fact, there is an old saying goes something like this: “Trust takes a long time to build up, but can be destroyed in an instant.”  For each of you to trust the other, you are required to put yourself out on the line and the other is required to be there for you.  Let me put it another way.

We learn to trust only by repeatedly taking personal risk and experiencing positive outcomes.

If you are not willing to take personal risk - you can never learn to trust.  If your lover does not affect your outcome from that risk in a positive manner - you cannot learn to trust them.

Since we are over here in the activity center of the classroom, lets talk about some trust building exercises we can do!  I am going to give you a few activities for you to do at home.  Try them all out.  Some you might like, some you might find uncomfortable and some you might flat out dislike.  That’s okay.  Do them anyways.  They don’t take long and they really do help bring to the surface matters involving trust.   When I talk with couples about trust, I usually ask them directly if they trust one another. Invariably I get “Yes” for an answer, even if it is hesitant.  But if we dig a little deeper we often discover that this trust level is conditional. Yes, they trust one another to behavior generally within the bounds of acceptable social behavior.  Yes, they trust each other to do the minimum accepted standards of relationship care.  Yes, they trust each other to keep the expectations down.  It reminds me of that line from the Gin Blossoms’ song, Hey Jealousy:

You can trust me not to drink, and not to sleep around…and if you don’t expect too much from me, you might not be let down.

I think we can, and should, be comfortable with expecting a little more than that from our lover.

First exercise: eye contact. Yep, it is as simple as that.  Sit directly across from your lover (not too far apart) and look into each other’s eyes without looking away for 60 seconds.  I know how easy this sounds.  But the point is not to make each other laugh or giggle.  The point is to honestly look into each other’s eyes.  They say the eyes are the windows to the soul.  But so often we pass by those windows without ever really looking inside.  Of course, we often pull the shades on those windows too because we would rather not let people see what’s in there.  So for each of you, in quiet contemplation, look into the other’s eyes while opening up and letting them see in yours.  Then discuss what you did.  What did you think about the exercise?  How did it make you feel about the other person?  If you could let your lover see into your soul, would you be comfortable letting them?

Second exercise: same thing only different.  This time sit directly across from your lover (not too far apart) and look into each other’s eyes without looking away for 60 seconds.  BUT, this time, I want the two of you touching.  Hold hands.  Interlock fingers.  Practice “interdigitation” as my husband likes to call it.  Stroke the palms of each other’s hands (if you aren’t too ticklish).  Make physical contact the entire time.  And with the understanding you gained from the previous exercise, see if you can look deeper and see more of your lover this time.  The discussion points are the same for you afterwards.

Third exercise:  proximity alert. This time sit directly across from your lover (not too far apart) and look into each other’s eyes without looking away for 60 seconds.  BUT during the exercise, keep moving closer to each other - slowly.  Inch by inch (or millimeter by millimeter if you prefer metric) ever so slowly move closer and closer to one another. This will eventually put you in each other’s personal space.  That is part of the exercise, don’t stop it from happening.  If you touch noses, you moved too quickly.  If you don’t get in each other’s personal space, you moved to slowly.  Try again in these instances.  (Or hold still touching noses if you can do it without laughing).   Afterwards talk about how proximity to each other helped or hindered looking into each other’s eyes. Did you feel closer as you got closer?  Did being that close with your eyes open make you uncomfortable?  And why or why not?

Final exercise: together write a relationship commitment statement.  This will allow you to verbalize exactly what your commitment is to the relationship and to each other.  If it helps, think of it like a company’s mission statement.  It should include: your purpose, goals, and commitments.  What is the purpose of your relationship?  What are your goals in your relationship?  What are your commitments to each other in this relationship?

These are great conversations to have.  Then put your answers into a formal relationship commitment statement.  Put it on paper.  Have it framed and hung on your bedroom wall.  Turn the making of it into a work project for the two of you.  Put as much effort into “making” it as you did talking it into existence.

And remember that to avoid turning around and abandoning your goals, you must make going forward more compelling then going back.  So our next class will focus on some things that might help “compel you forward” in your relationship. Yes, guys…that means sex.

Communication 101

OK kids!   How did your time together go?  Did you recreate your first date?  Did you go the Happy Camper route?  Did you check out the airport and watch planes come in?  Whatever you did, the point was spending time together - quality time together.  I hope that you did, and hope that you will share some of that with us all in the comments, so we can all learn together!

Alright, this is school, so put your books away, clean off your desks, get out a clean piece of paper and let’s take a pop quiz!  True or False. 50/50 chance of getting it wrong right.  (These questions and the follow up information come from Michele Weiner-Davis’ “The Marriage Breakthrough” seminar © 2001.  Used with permission.)

1. Conflict and Anger are signs that your relationship is failing.

False All relationships are subject to rocky ups and downs.  Many people feel that their marriage/relationship is doomed because they argue.  THIS IS NOT THE CASE.  Passionate people are passionate in all areas.  Some of the most passionate people in the bedroom have some of the most passionate arguments.  I worry more about relationships where the two people “never argue”.  That can be indicative of a sexless marriage as well - one with no passion anywhere in it.  How we resolve conflict and how we fight are much more important indicators.  When Eric and I went through pre-marital counseling one of the greatest tips we were given was to set the ground-rules for how we would fight.  We were not so naïve as to believe that we would not fight, so we had to agree up front to fight fair, and we set strict rules about what we could and could not do or say in an argument.  We have lived by those rules and updated them constantly as we change and grow.

2. You’re more likely to divorce if there are differences in your beliefs, backgrounds or interests

False Research shows that people who remain happily married are not necessarily more similar to each other than those who divorce.  They just learn effective ways of managing their differences and nurturing the things they do have in common.  So all that talk about “how can we stay together when we’re so different” or “we need to get a divorce because we’ve grown apart” is complete bunk.  When Eric was growing up he always assumed that he would marry a good little Texan girl who grew up trained to be a Southern Belle, and loved to cook, clean and sew.  I can tell you honestly, he was 0-fer on those.  Our compatibility had very little to do with how much we had in common.  I didn’t even like the Dallas Cowboys when we met - and that was borderline heretical!

3. In healthy relationships, major disagreements get resolved over time.

False Research tells us that approximately 60% of what couples argue about is un-resolvable.  The issues couples disagree about in the beginning of their relationship are the same things they disagree about years down the road.  What does change is the way in which they handle their disagreements.  (if you have trained them right, the men just give in over time)  Ok, I kid about that part.  The true nature of maturity, both as an individual and as a couple, is developing and growing our ability to appropriately and effectively handle issues and conflict - not our ability to avoid them.  Shumley Boteach (Host of “Shalom in the Home”) has said, “wrestling with our humanity is the very stuff of living.  In life, righteousness is defined not through perfection, but rather through struggle.  It is our endeavor to try and to do the right thing amid a predilection to do otherwise that makes us unique, not the fact that we always choose the right thing.”

4. Couples should have a shared definition of what it means to be loving.

False Too often people tell themselves, “If you loved me you would feel the same way I do about _________.”  Everyone communicates differently.  There is nothing better about one form of communication over another.  The trick is to learn HOW to hear what the other is saying.  Gary Chapman wrote the groundbreaking book on the “5 Love Languages”.  In summary he explains that there are 5 ways we can communicate our love, and while all of us can do each one of them there is often a primary way that we prefer to have love communicated to us.

The 5 languages are:

Words of Affirmation
Mark Twain once said “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”  Verbal appreciation speaks powerfully to persons whose primary Love Language is “Words of Affirmation.”  Simple statements, such as, “You look great in that suit,” or “You must be the best baker in the world! I love your oatmeal cookies,” are sometimes all a person needs to hear to feel loved.

Quality Time
Quality time is more than mere proximity. It’s about focusing all your energy on your mate. A husband watching sports while talking to his wife is NOT quality time. Unless all of your attention is focused on your mate, even an intimate dinner for two can come and go without a minute of quality time being shared.

Receiving Gifts
Some mates respond well to visual symbols of love. If you speak this love language, you are more likely to treasure any gift as an expression of love and devotion. People who speak this love language often feel that a lack of gifts represents a lack of love from their mate. Luckily, this love language is one of the easiest to learn.

Acts of Service
Sometimes simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of love. Even simple things like laundry and taking out the trash require some form of planning, time, effort, and energy.  Doing humble chores can be a very powerful expression of love and devotion to your mate.

Physical Touch
Many mates feel the most loved when they receive physical contact from their partner. For a mate who speaks this love language loudly, physical touch can make or break the relationship.

Sexual intercourse makes many mates feel secure and loved in a marriage. However, it is only one dialect of physical touch. Many parts of the body are extremely sensitive to stimulation. It is important to discover how your partner not only physically responds but also psychologically responds to these touches.

Ok.  Turn in your quizzes.

How did you do?  It’s ok no matter what you scored - you’re here to learn right?  You know what I really love about the 5 Love Languages?  They are all the basics that you can see in any school setting through the innocence of children.  Let’s go to the playground for recess and you can see what I am talking about.

Words of Affirmation are always found on the playground.  Little Johnny can tell Suzie that her dress is awful pretty, or that he likes he curls, or he can tell her how impressed he is that she can run faster than any boy in class!  All he is doing is expressing appreciation for her.

To see Quality Time in action let’s head over to the swing set.  This is one of the best examples of quality time.  Little Johnny can push Suzie in the swing for the entire recess period and both of them be happy about it.  He is paying complete attention to her and making sure that she is going as high as she wants to.  She is being doted on because he is listening to her and responding to her wishes.  The communication can be as simple as “higher!” or “that’s too high!” but it is so much deeper than just the words.  She is communicating a need and he is meeting it.  She is being heard and she knows it because he changes in reaction to it.  That is the quintessential quality time: proximity, focused attention and truly hearing the other’s needs.

Receiving Gifts is also in full display at school.  Sometimes it might not work out so well, like when Little Johnny gives Suzie his prized frog he caught.  Sometimes it does, like when Suzie gives Little Johnny a pen because he left his at home.  It is simply giving to someone else something that has value - either to you or to them.  It is especially impactful when the item has value to both parties - such as when Little Johnny breaks his homemade chocolate chip cookie in half and slides a piece to Suzie during snack time.  Giving a gift in a public setting also has extra value because Suzie’s friends see the transaction and they get to talk about it afterwards, thereby increasing the importance of the gift and it’s attached meaning.  This is why brining your lover flowers home is a wonderful thing to do, but having them delivered to her at work or when she is sure to be in front of friends is even more impactful.

Acts of Service is almost ubiquitous in school settings.  How often do you see people offer to carry books, or open a door or help with homework?  These are all acts of service that tell the person that they are important.  It communicates very clearly that I see you and I know you.  And because of that, I am aware of what your needs are and I am going to go out of my way to meet those needs.  Acts of service require us to be aware and to be self-starters.  See a need and get up and meet that need (preferably before you are asked to do so).  If there is a piece of clothing on the floor - pick it up!  If there are dishes in the sink - put them in the dishwasher, or <gasp> wash them yourself!  If he’s mowing the lawn and you can tell that it is hot outside, take him a big glass of his favorite ice-cold beverage.  The key: notice and be proactive - don’t wait to be asked.

Physical Touch is probably the easiest to see on the playground.  Everyone of us has played tag before.  What is the basic point?  To touch!  Remember the swing set where quality time is camping out?  In order to push someone on the swing you have to touch them.  Win a game and high five?  Touch.  Punch a buddy in the arm? Touch.  Almost all the games we create on the playground requires some level of touch.  Our relationships are no different.  Yes, every guy wants to claim Physical Touch as their primary love language in the hopes that their wife will read “sex is my love language.”  But stereotyping aside, there is more to physical touch than simply sex in a relationship.  It can be a gentle caress as you walk by your lover.  A lingering hug that promises more.  A quick peck on the cheek just to say hi.  Holding hands in a public area.  Cuddling on the couch while watching a movie.  Physical touch is a way of reminding the person that you are there for them - that they are not alone.  Our bodies and minds respond to touch.  Studies have shown that infants who receive hugs and touch every day will develop better cognitively.  My daughter’s class last year sang the “Four Hugs a Day” for all the parents as a reminder to everyone of the importance of physical contact for showing love, support and connectedness.

So your assignment this time?  Head out to the playground with your lover and through practice and patience try out all the love languages and see what you respond to best and which one you are most fluent in.  Take some notes.  Learn with each other.  Copying off of your lover’s work is highly encouraged!!

Then each day, go out of your way to intentionally speak your lover’s Love Language at least once - every day!!

There’s the bell!  Go play!!

Do you think you should tell your lover about your sexual past?

How does oral sex fit into your lovemaking routine?

Awareness Regarding Sex and Menopause

In this short Q&A, Eryn-Faye, Canada’s Passion Coach, answers an audience member’s question about the major issues regarding sex and menopause.

Download this file as a .mov file for your Quick Time player OR as a .m4v file for your ipod OR as a .mp3 file to listen to the audio on itunes

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