Hint #41

Varied stimulation is the key to great orgasms.  Whether it’s the motion, the lotion, the direction, or the communication, always keep your lover guessing!

Communication 101

OK kids!   How did your time together go?  Did you recreate your first date?  Did you go the Happy Camper route?  Did you check out the airport and watch planes come in?  Whatever you did, the point was spending time together - quality time together.  I hope that you did, and hope that you will share some of that with us all in the comments, so we can all learn together!

Alright, this is school, so put your books away, clean off your desks, get out a clean piece of paper and let’s take a pop quiz!  True or False. 50/50 chance of getting it wrong right.  (These questions and the follow up information come from Michele Weiner-Davis’ “The Marriage Breakthrough” seminar © 2001.  Used with permission.)

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1. Conflict and Anger are signs that your relationship is failing.

False All relationships are subject to rocky ups and downs.  Many people feel that their marriage/relationship is doomed because they argue.  THIS IS NOT THE CASE.  Passionate people are passionate in all areas.  Some of the most passionate people in the bedroom have some of the most passionate arguments.  I worry more about relationships where the two people “never argue”.  That can be indicative of a sexless marriage as well - one with no passion anywhere in it.  How we resolve conflict and how we fight are much more important indicators.  When Eric and I went through pre-marital counseling one of the greatest tips we were given was to set the ground-rules for how we would fight.  We were not so naïve as to believe that we would not fight, so we had to agree up front to fight fair, and we set strict rules about what we could and could not do or say in an argument.  We have lived by those rules and updated them constantly as we change and grow.

2. You’re more likely to divorce if there are differences in your beliefs, backgrounds or interests

False Research shows that people who remain happily married are not necessarily more similar to each other than those who divorce.  They just learn effective ways of managing their differences and nurturing the things they do have in common.  So all that talk about “how can we stay together when we’re so different” or “we need to get a divorce because we’ve grown apart” is complete bunk.  When Eric was growing up he always assumed that he would marry a good little Texan girl who grew up trained to be a Southern Belle, and loved to cook, clean and sew.  I can tell you honestly, he was 0-fer on those.  Our compatibility had very little to do with how much we had in common.  I didn’t even like the Dallas Cowboys when we met - and that was borderline heretical!

3. In healthy relationships, major disagreements get resolved over time.

False Research tells us that approximately 60% of what couples argue about is un-resolvable.  The issues couples disagree about in the beginning of their relationship are the same things they disagree about years down the road.  What does change is the way in which they handle their disagreements.  (if you have trained them right, the men just give in over time)  Ok, I kid about that part.  The true nature of maturity, both as an individual and as a couple, is developing and growing our ability to appropriately and effectively handle issues and conflict - not our ability to avoid them.  Shumley Boteach (Host of “Shalom in the Home”) has said, “wrestling with our humanity is the very stuff of living.  In life, righteousness is defined not through perfection, but rather through struggle.  It is our endeavor to try and to do the right thing amid a predilection to do otherwise that makes us unique, not the fact that we always choose the right thing.”

4. Couples should have a shared definition of what it means to be loving.

False Too often people tell themselves, “If you loved me you would feel the same way I do about _________.”  Everyone communicates differently.  There is nothing better about one form of communication over another.  The trick is to learn HOW to hear what the other is saying.  Gary Chapman wrote the groundbreaking book on the “5 Love Languages”.  In summary he explains that there are 5 ways we can communicate our love, and while all of us can do each one of them there is often a primary way that we prefer to have love communicated to us.

The 5 languages are:

Words of Affirmation
Mark Twain once said “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”  Verbal appreciation speaks powerfully to persons whose primary Love Language is “Words of Affirmation.”  Simple statements, such as, “You look great in that suit,” or “You must be the best baker in the world! I love your oatmeal cookies,” are sometimes all a person needs to hear to feel loved.

Quality Time
Quality time is more than mere proximity. It’s about focusing all your energy on your mate. A husband watching sports while talking to his wife is NOT quality time. Unless all of your attention is focused on your mate, even an intimate dinner for two can come and go without a minute of quality time being shared.

Receiving Gifts
Some mates respond well to visual symbols of love. If you speak this love language, you are more likely to treasure any gift as an expression of love and devotion. People who speak this love language often feel that a lack of gifts represents a lack of love from their mate. Luckily, this love language is one of the easiest to learn.

Acts of Service
Sometimes simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of love. Even simple things like laundry and taking out the trash require some form of planning, time, effort, and energy.  Doing humble chores can be a very powerful expression of love and devotion to your mate.

Physical Touch
Many mates feel the most loved when they receive physical contact from their partner. For a mate who speaks this love language loudly, physical touch can make or break the relationship.

Sexual intercourse makes many mates feel secure and loved in a marriage. However, it is only one dialect of physical touch. Many parts of the body are extremely sensitive to stimulation. It is important to discover how your partner not only physically responds but also psychologically responds to these touches.

Ok.  Turn in your quizzes.

How did you do?  It’s ok no matter what you scored - you’re here to learn right?  You know what I really love about the 5 Love Languages?  They are all the basics that you can see in any school setting through the innocence of children.  Let’s go to the playground for recess and you can see what I am talking about.

Words of Affirmation are always found on the playground.  Little Johnny can tell Suzie that her dress is awful pretty, or that he likes he curls, or he can tell her how impressed he is that she can run faster than any boy in class!  All he is doing is expressing appreciation for her.

To see Quality Time in action let’s head over to the swing set.  This is one of the best examples of quality time.  Little Johnny can push Suzie in the swing for the entire recess period and both of them be happy about it.  He is paying complete attention to her and making sure that she is going as high as she wants to.  She is being doted on because he is listening to her and responding to her wishes.  The communication can be as simple as “higher!” or “that’s too high!” but it is so much deeper than just the words.  She is communicating a need and he is meeting it.  She is being heard and she knows it because he changes in reaction to it.  That is the quintessential quality time: proximity, focused attention and truly hearing the other’s needs.

Receiving Gifts is also in full display at school.  Sometimes it might not work out so well, like when Little Johnny gives Suzie his prized frog he caught.  Sometimes it does, like when Suzie gives Little Johnny a pen because he left his at home.  It is simply giving to someone else something that has value - either to you or to them.  It is especially impactful when the item has value to both parties - such as when Little Johnny breaks his homemade chocolate chip cookie in half and slides a piece to Suzie during snack time.  Giving a gift in a public setting also has extra value because Suzie’s friends see the transaction and they get to talk about it afterwards, thereby increasing the importance of the gift and it’s attached meaning.  This is why brining your lover flowers home is a wonderful thing to do, but having them delivered to her at work or when she is sure to be in front of friends is even more impactful.

Acts of Service is almost ubiquitous in school settings.  How often do you see people offer to carry books, or open a door or help with homework?  These are all acts of service that tell the person that they are important.  It communicates very clearly that I see you and I know you.  And because of that, I am aware of what your needs are and I am going to go out of my way to meet those needs.  Acts of service require us to be aware and to be self-starters.  See a need and get up and meet that need (preferably before you are asked to do so).  If there is a piece of clothing on the floor - pick it up!  If there are dishes in the sink - put them in the dishwasher, or <gasp> wash them yourself!  If he’s mowing the lawn and you can tell that it is hot outside, take him a big glass of his favorite ice-cold beverage.  The key: notice and be proactive - don’t wait to be asked.

Physical Touch is probably the easiest to see on the playground.  Everyone of us has played tag before.  What is the basic point?  To touch!  Remember the swing set where quality time is camping out?  In order to push someone on the swing you have to touch them.  Win a game and high five?  Touch.  Punch a buddy in the arm? Touch.  Almost all the games we create on the playground requires some level of touch.  Our relationships are no different.  Yes, every guy wants to claim Physical Touch as their primary love language in the hopes that their wife will read “sex is my love language.”  But stereotyping aside, there is more to physical touch than simply sex in a relationship.  It can be a gentle caress as you walk by your lover.  A lingering hug that promises more.  A quick peck on the cheek just to say hi.  Holding hands in a public area.  Cuddling on the couch while watching a movie.  Physical touch is a way of reminding the person that you are there for them - that they are not alone.  Our bodies and minds respond to touch.  Studies have shown that infants who receive hugs and touch every day will develop better cognitively.  My daughter’s class last year sang the “Four Hugs a Day” for all the parents as a reminder to everyone of the importance of physical contact for showing love, support and connectedness.

So your assignment this time?  Head out to the playground with your lover and through practice and patience try out all the love languages and see what you respond to best and which one you are most fluent in.  Take some notes.  Learn with each other.  Copying off of your lover’s work is highly encouraged!!

Then each day, go out of your way to intentionally speak your lover’s Love Language at least once - every day!!

There’s the bell!  Go play!!