The other day I was having coffee with another one of the moms from my daughter’s school. She mentioned that she and her husband had moved to the area shortly after her daughter was born. Struggling to balance all the responsibilities that are part and parcel of being the primary caregiver to a newborn, she would go to the grocery store just to have human contact. Inevitably, this would be when the child would start to cry, and Mom would leave so that she didn’t have to endure the caustic glances from strangers. In fact, she didn’t find any friends in the area until her daughter started preschool and she connected with one of the other moms. Surprisingly, I have heard many, many stories similar to this one.

The sense of isolation is particularly profound when dealing with sexual issues. Despite the fact that we are besieged by media images about sex, talking about the “nitty-gritties” of our personal experiences is still very taboo. And so we fall into the trap of thinking that we are the only ones who deal with X, or put up with Y, or are hiding the secret of Z. Compounding this misconception is the belief that the ubiquitous “they” have a better sex life than we do. Allow me to burst that bubble for you. I have never met a couple who has a phenomenal sex life all the time. Despite our best intentions, life just gets in the way.

No matter what is impeding the sex life that you have always dreamed of, you are not alone. There are other women who are allergic to lubricants, hate having sex because they were molested as a child, are fearful that sexual odors will be a turnoff to their partner, would rather sleep than have sex, have husbands who are less interested in sex than they are, have never had an orgasm — the list goes on and on. Resources exist to help the situation you are in right now.

Realizing that you are not alone is the first step. Getting the right resources is the second. But there is a third, equally important step. When I speak to groups of women, I encourage them to broach the subject amongst themselves – a support group of sorts. I won’t always be there for them, but now that we have “broken the seal” on the subject, I encourage them to continue to talk about the issue. I don’t mean in such a way that embarrasses your husband or belittles your relationship with him.  Remember that talking about an issue is different than just talking about your husband.  However, talking together breaks the sense of isolation, and when this is broken, we can get the help we need to make our sexual relationship thrive.

Believe me when I say that each of us privately struggles with the question of if, how and when our secret anxieties should be divulged to friends.  But stepping out of fear is the premise behind trust.  Ironically, it is the fear of being different (isolation) that keeps us isolated.  Letting go of that fear is the risk we must take in order to forge the connections that sustain life and give it richness.

Recently, I was speaking to a group of ladies. After my talk, when all the other ladies had moved on to the delicious food and drink that was being served, one woman snuck back in to see me. She was obviously very nervous even though it was just the two of us, and it took her several minutes to work up the courage to say what was on her mind. Finally, she got it out. “You know, talking about this stuff was taboo years ago. If I had known then what you just told me, I might still be married.”   I, like her, was utterly heartbroken by that thought.  What a tragic consequence of silence that is unfortunately repeated over and over by women leading lives of quiet desperation, believing they are alone.

Isolation is a killer. Your marriage doesn’t have to be a victim.